The Nick DiPaolo Show - 208 - Joe Matarese

Episode Date: November 14, 2017

Joe Matarese

And now, The Nick DiPaolo Show. Oh yeah, back in the saddle again. How are you, folks? Monday. It's been a while. It's been a long, painful while. How are you, folks? Good to be with you. Joe Mattarese later on, second hour. Catch Joe live this weekend, November 17th and 18th at the Comic Strip Live right here in New York City. November 24th, the Mayo Performing Arts Center in Morristown,

New Jersey. And Joe's got a one-hour special, Medicated. It's available on Vimeo. You can stream it, download it. So what the hell's going on, kids? How you been? A lot of shit's gone down. No pun intended. Yeah, I'm in pain. I'm sitting high above courtside. You're like, what do you mean? Well, I'm sitting on 19 donuts and two phone books and three pillows.

Let me tell you something. Palumbo, look, it might be too early to make this call because, again, the people that had this thing done, this hemorrhoidectomy, most of them called and said, yeah, the best thing they did, blah, blah, blah. And I'm reading most testimonials online say the same thing. But right now, Palumbo is right.

I wouldn't do this to Hillary, okay? I wouldn't do this to Al Shabaab. This is... I just looked at my underwear, not to get too gross. It looks like the upholstery in JFK's limo right after they yanked him out of there. Just covered in types of matter and blood. Jesus Christ.

I tried to use one of my wife's pads. She played net for the Rangers for two years. And what? But the pads, they don't fit. They're like too big. pads. She played net for the Rangers for two years. And, uh, what? Uh, but, uh, the pads don't, they don't fit. They, they, they're, like, too big. I don't know what the hell she's got going on down there. It's like, it's like putting an air mattress.

So I just found my oldest pair of Hanes. I keep alternating those out. What a mess. What pain. Never felt anything like it in my life. Oh, my God. It's like, people kept asking me, uh, like, on Twitter, What pain? Never felt anything like it in my life. Oh, my God. It's like people kept asking me, like, on Twitter, and the best analogy, again, it's like Rocky's eye around 11, I'd say, against Apollo when it's all, you know, it's just completely closed almost, and Mickey cuts him.

That's the equivalent of moving my bowels. It's like when Mickey cuts that, well, whoever does. Instead, you ever see, you guys watch boxing, you see a fighter, he has a gash over his eyelid. You've seen them. They're like, I mean, literally an inch open. You can almost see his eyeball. Just picture that. Instead of the trainer reaching in with a sponge and soapy water, hitting it with a nice handful of stool.

I don't know how I'm not going to get an affection. I just don't understand. I just don't get it. My ass smells like a pair of 22-year-old moccasins that you wore only in the summertime. moccasins that you wore only in the summertime. My shorts, they smell like a... Ever get behind a guy at the airport? You know, he's wearing wingtips with no socks. Like August, the 112% humidity business guy. And he takes those off to go through security.

That's my ass. Throw in some onions. And a pound of fresh garlic. But anyways, not the Gros show. How are you, kids? This is pretty much what it sounded like at my house since last Monday. They were singing this to me and I left the hospital. They gave me an epidural. Now you guys probably don't know what that is, but you broads do. Yeah, they numb me from the waist down to dig into my ass.

And what's freaky was I could, when I came to, this is how I know it's some of the worst painted, but I came to, I was still numb from the waist down, which is creepy. You can't wiggle your toes. That's the weirdest most horrible i don't know how stephen hawkins does it but it's a horrible can't feel anything in the waist down can't move my legs or anything yet i could feel a stinging in my asshole can you imagine everything else was dead i said to the nerd i go are you shitting me go, I can feel it through the epidural. She just smiled. Thought it was funny.

Holy Christ. And here's the thing. Your ass contracts. They told me this after. Like when I got home that night, I'd be, you know, I'm trying to sleep and all of a sudden my asshole would start, you know, spasming. And I looked that up and it explained to me that I'm trying to sleep and all of a sudden my asshole would start, you know, spasming.

And I looked that up and it explained to me that when they do this procedure, they stretch out your asshole. They have to, to get in there. Could you make this shit up, Mody? Could you make it up? They stretch your ass and then it contracts. It's like, you know, snapping back into place and then, holy holy christ and i want to hear from people who've had it done i'm not exaggerating i had both my shoulders reconstructed okay i've i've dislocated them gone back into a football game had them put back in had

them come out again this made that look like fucking dandruff it's your asshole 866-969-1969 and um it's just the whole thing is just friggin i'm surprised it's even legal in industrialized countries it's really and here's the thing you're're sitting there. I went when I got home, went to the bathroom a little bit, about four hours after, but that was just liquid and whatever the hell. By the way, he leaves a plug up in there on purpose, like a big ball of gauze on purpose.

You can't even see it, like a magician would pull a fucking rabbit out of a hat. You don't even know, you can feel something horrible. You feel a horrible pressure up there. Remember, Andy, I was asking you, you feel like you have to take a 20-pound dump, you hold it for two hours. It's like that times 10 for like three days.

And he specifically said, don't pull that out. You let that either fall out on its own, or when you go to... Oh, my God. Ah, and it did. I don't want to say it was a big plug. When you go to the bathroom. Oh, my God. And it did. I don't want to say it was a big plug. It splashed me.

My hair, my chest. It hit the ceiling in the bathroom. Came out with the force of... Just seemed really barbaric in this day and age. And, you know, Colin Quinn asked me about having them lasered off. And I mentioned that to the doctor right before he knocked me out. And he goes, that's almost malpractice today. Because they used to do that, and it was so bad. If you guys who lived in New York remember a doctor, Dr. Tush, his name was,

right away you know he's above board. You'd see his ads on the subway. And that guy did like 1,000 operations a week lasering people's asses off. My doctor said for the last few years they've been cleaning up his mess with the fucking laser surgery because there was all kinds of complications and shit. So apparently the only way is to get them out is

to dig them out with a clamming knife. That's the way I went. Jesus Christ. And here's the thing. If you don't keep going to the bathroom, I have to take you know what, Metamucil stool softens on top of that, because you know why?

And get this, folks, if you don't move your bowels on a regular basis, something like, I think it's called stenosis happens, your asshole can actually close up, so nothing comes out. Yeah. Now that might be good if you have a blind date with Kevin Spacey,

but listen. What? What kind of talk is that? I hear a little echoing. Do you hear an echoing? I can hear myself. No? Okay.

Sorry, I actually acknowledged that. Yeah, you get stenosis or something like that. And your asshole will actually stay shut if you don't keep moving your bowels. And they tell you, listen, don't even bother wiping. I go, I don't anyways. I usually just blow dry it and I head outside. But, uh, no, you gotta jump right

in the tub, which is nice. Then you sit in your own stew. All you need, you know, your two celeries and an onion away from making a nice roux. Folks, I don't mean to be gross about this, but there's no other way to explain it. And what's scaring the shit out of me

is that I have to head to Massachusetts on Friday. Right now I'm sitting forward. You can't even see. I have my ass up in the air like a baboon in heat at the zoo. Have a seat with their big pink pussies are hanging out. Looks like somebody busted a watermelon in half. I'm sitting forward like that. Sweating through my sheets at night

like I have fucking Ebola. Percocet, Metamucil, and then sitz baths. Ever see one of those? It's a little plastic toilet you buy for yourself. It's about four inches deep. I know a genius came up with this. And you put hot water in it

and you put that with. I know a genius came up with this. And you put hot water in it. And you put that with... I know. Fucking Fiore's loving this. Everything starts like I'm making a New England boiled dinner. Starts with boiling water. Fucking cabbage. And then you fill that little thing. And you put that on the toilet.

Because just sitting on the toilet the weight of that makes you want to faint before you even move your bowels and then when you move your bowels that doodoo going by your cut

they it's like sticking two fingers in a cut and swishing I can't describe it any fucking way it's like being branded and how the fuck

I'm not going to get infected has been I mean no antibiotics the doctor says I'm like what's what am I I mean, no antibiotics, the doctor says. I'm like, what am I, a fucking field experiment? Guys will see me on Judge Judy going up against this guy.

I'll be sitting there with pus coming out of my eyelids. This guy told me to eat two aspirin and an apple. Oh, my aching stem. What a toilet you, mate. Yeah, well, that's where I've been living for the last fucking week. From the toilet to the tub. From the toilet to the tub to the toilet. And my maid from Ecuador, she isn't here to clean it up, so it's starting to build up. I have a sandcastle.

But what else did I want to tell you about that? The Percocet's not giving me a buzz or anything, because when you have real pain, that's how it works, I guess. You know, if you take Percocet and you're not in pain, you get a nice buzz. But if you have pain, it does its job, which is... I didn't know that. I thought I was going to get a nice buzz from this shit. Fiora, you ever take Percocet? Of course. Oh, have you? Absolutely. I know, I'm way behind

on this shit. Is it a nice buzz? Yes. When you don't have a hatchet wound in your asshole? No. I've taken them for hangovers. You what? I've taken them for hangovers. It's great. You take Percocet for hangovers. That explains his physique. Right now, it's like I'm looking at Rush Limbaugh in 1981. What the fuck does that even mean?

I don't even know. Yeah, I've taken them for pain and for pleasure. Yeah, well, I've taken that. But that has acetaminamine in it. What is it called? Yeah, I think. Yeah, that's right. You can only have so much of that acet or whatever and you it'll fuck up your liver.

Yeah. So you can only take so much within a 24 hour period. Luckily, the wife knows how to do math. And but then again, do I trust her to do the math right? She's like, no, go ahead. Have a couple more. Cut to me laying on my own stool at three in the morning. Change me.

But I've been living on pudding, soup, actual food. You have to eat actual food, they said. I said, no, I'm just doing liquid. And they said, no, your ass will be sealed shut. You have to actually eat and move it on through. This first segment is brought to you by Bloodstool.

It's like FanDuel. So, yeah, I'm leaning to my left right now. Leaning on my left hip. Boy, I wish this was being telecast. I'd show you my underwear. You know, it looks like a Civil War bandage on a guy's head. You know? You know how they always have that with a red dot coming through?

And there's mud mixed there and stuff. It's delicious. But it is, it's good to be home. And it better be worth it. It better please, you know. The other thing is when I piss, too, it feels good to be home. And it better be worth it. It better please, you know. The other thing is when I piss too, it feels like glass is coming out. That's the other thing. Because everything's swollen down there.

Your asshole is next to your prostate, which is right next to your bladder. They're all about an eighth of an inch apart. Everything gets inflamed. Everything pushes against everything else. Oh, God. So I drank this. The first day home, I drank like four Gatorades. And I pissed like an eighth of an ounce.

So that's building up. Then finally it let loose. And I didn't have a bowel movement for three days. I told you, when I first got home, I had a little whatever they left up there. And then three days. And I was eating and shit, oatmeal and stuff, trying to make a move. So eventually the dam broke, like Sunday night. It was unbelievable. Wife opened the bathroom door. I was a him so the eventually the the dam broke like sunday night it was

unbelievable wife opened the bathroom door i was a foot from the ceiling off the toilet look like a call and blow commercial on snl really tremendous let's go to bob in chicago he bob says he had this done he liked it so much he did it again, just for fun. Is that true, Bob? Your thoughts? Hello, Nick. First time in my life I've had XM for 18 years. I've never called because I've never known anything, but this is exactly. I heard you the night before you had your surgery, and I was afraid to call you to tell you. I would have rather had a wake-up in the morning and get a kick in the balls rather than take a dump. It was unbelievable, like someone sticking a knife up me.

And it was everything you're describing and nobody giving you anything my doc was the guy he just sent me home with nothing absolutely nothing i was unbelievable oh my god really honest to god no pain pills no no you just they got a tough you'll be okay take some aspirin if you some aspirin if you feel uncomfortable. I'm like, if I felt uncomfortable, I've had everything. I've had abscesses and teeth. Nothing was as painful as this. Nothing. Who was your doctor?

Dr. Michael Ditka? Oh, God. It was Joseph Mengele. He was an unbelievable old German guy. And he just did his work well. No infection, no problem. You're not Jewish, are you, Bob? No, no, no.

Okay. I'm Italian, too, and I love your show, by the way. I love you. It's very funny, but it's like, oh, I didn't know what to tell you. Everyone else was calling up. I'm like, oh, my God. He doesn't know what he's in for. He doesn't know what he's in for.

Bob, I am not exaggerating, am I, as far as when you have to move your bowels. I'd rather, it's the most frightening thing. It's like somebody saying, I'm going to put a brand, I'm going to brand you every six or eight hours. I'm not exaggerating. It was like a stiletto going up, and then someone twists it. It was unbelievable. Well, that I kind of like.

I've never had that kind of intense immediate and like i couldn't even go after the first time i must have held it for three days i didn't even give a damn i held it out it was horrific and i and these guys don't even think they all think it's nothing and oh never mind oh my god you know but you know what bob to my doctor, he gave me, and I mentioned this on the show, he gave me fair one, more than, he almost talked me out of it. He goes, listen, everybody I've ever done this to, the following week when they were still in pain, they said, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. How could you do that to me?

I would never do it again. He told me all this. No, right. I, wait, that's the bad part. I was going to finish with telling you. My hemorrhoids came back in like two years. I've lived on them for the last 40 years. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Bob.

No. No, tell me. Don't tell him that. Bobby, tell me you're kidding. I'm not. I wish I was. Wait a minute. Did you have them cut out or lasered out?

Oh, no, cut out. The regular surgical, you know, just like you said, hemorrhoidectomies, exactly. Again, I used to be a dentist. I know a lot about the body and medical. I knew exactly what was going on, but I couldn't believe the intensity of it, the pain. And it was unbelievable. It is truly unbelievable. They're not supposed to come back, Bob. They're not supposed to come back. That's what I was unbelievable. Truly unbelievable. They're not supposed to come back, Bob.

They're not supposed to come back. That's what I was saying. That's exactly what I talked about before. They promised me because I'd lived with them for about a year. Okay, too much itching, blah, blah, blah. Okay, I'll go through this. And then when they came back and then nothing else seemed to stop, I said I will not go through that again.

I will not. Never mind. Like I said, I've subsequently had, just as you said, I've torn my rotator cuff. I've torn my bicep off completely. Piece of cake. Piece of cake. Wasn't anything.

Nothing. Nothing compared to that. And I feel that you're not exaggerating. I've got to be honest. It's very distressing, this first call, hearing that they came back. I mean, that's what I'm counting on not happening. I mean, that's the whole thing. Now, I was much younger.

Ask your doc, maybe there's a difference at this age. Well, yeah, I don't deadlift anymore. Okay. No, you're probably right. All right, Bobby. You go. Thanks, Nick. You're the best.

I appreciate it, man. Thank you. Now, this is a depressing call. All right, take care. Oh, my. You go. Thanks, Nick. You're the best. I appreciate it, man. Thank you. Now, this is a depressing call. All right. Take care. Oh, my God. Please. If these things fucking come back, I'm telling you.

I'm going to fucking smash his fucking face in. That was the fucking. And that's actually another way of putting it. You know, if they did come back, would you do this? Absolutely not. I'd have my fucking wife, I'd have my wife ice me down and then pull them out with pliers or some shit before I did it this way again. Well, maybe not my wife, maybe a nice Korean girl

at a so-called laundromat on 42nd Street and 8th. You get your shirts done, you get your roids out you can buy snow ties have you been to that place it's tremendous tremendous let's go to let's go to guy in indiana guy welcome to the show and my ass pain how you doing hi nick how are you i'm calling cheer you up buddy and maybe switch subjects just a little bit kind of take your mind off this shit so today i had my uh orientation my new job which is uh at a large university here in indiana i can't see which one but the hour i spent with this lady 25 was talking about sexual harassment and uh yeah i'm gonna get to that guy you're jumping the gun I get two hours to fill

this better end this better end with her pulling your hemorrhoids off well I didn't know shit but the only thing that kept me awake that whole fucking hour was thinking of you sitting in the back of the bus back of the room fucking going this fucking bitch and just making comedy

fodder that's what kept me awake so thank you. Well, what exactly was, well, we'll get to it again. I'm going to get to, obviously, a close friend of mine in Hollywood had his day in the barrel this weekend. So we're going to get to that and also Roy Moore. But apparently, real quick for Guy, apparently all us guys, we're all, we're just all rapists waiting to happen.

So, and I know that's what this would turn into. But, all right, Guy, I'm glad I got, I'm glad that I got you through that and kept you awake. Later, man. I appreciate it. Keep listening. Thank you, fella. Greg in Pennsylvania had the same surgery. Only he said he, it was a 22-year-old

girl who did it at a fraternity party. Is this correct? Funny you say that. Funny you say that. I actually live in Penn State, so that's not... Oh, Jesus! Dr. Sandusky! I know his work well. Let's talk about the second mile. Come on. Anyway, I tweeted you a couple times last week.

I didn't want to tell you the worst part of it, and you touched on it, the pissing. I just, I come out of my shoes. Well, that's not as bad as the pooping, but it's a close second, man. Well, did you have any wadding in you? They put wadding in me oh christ yeah oh my and i i i unraveled the the equivalent of i'd say three afghans two sweaters and a fucking turtleneck and my thing with the piss and i thought oh if i can just move this a little bit i can piss so i yanked on this thing because it's going to come out oh my goodness and it wasn't even

halfway out it was like as long as my arm and i was just sweating you look like a fucking you look like a fucking chinese kite leaving the bathroom it was unreal yeah this guy said he goes i put a little there's a little plug up in there he said but do not pull it out it will fall out on his own but but but, bop, bop. And you know what? And after the third day, it popped out finally after I was sitting on the toilet. And like I said, it made it splash like somebody dropped a bowling ball in the toilet. I couldn't believe the amount of material he got up there.

Yeah. If I was lost in the woods, I could have made a jacket for myself. Not for the mockies, for sure. Brutal, right? All right. Thanks for sharing that, Greggy. Later. Yep.

Remember when you called me? You gave me the Jaws line? What did I say? Go ahead, Peter. I don't want to tell the whole thing. There you go. I'll be damned if I'm going to cut this thing open and have the Kinder Boys. Oh, yeah.

That's the whole thing. There you go. I'll be damned if I'm going to cut this thing open and have the Kittner boys. Oh, yeah. That's the other thing. I had to do a couple enemas before, before the hospital. And they want you doing one in the morning, like an hour before you leave your house. And I said, I didn't want to fucking do that. My wife's like, why not? I go, I don't want to fucking have that Kittner boys spill out all over the dock. Like some half-ass autopsy. I lost it.

That's the thing. You couldn't even get, if I had to do an animal tonight, you couldn't even get the nozzle. It's as bad as Palumbo. Palumbo caught on. She fucking knew when I was describing it. And I underestimated it. i knew it was gonna hurt

like an mfr but i i really thought i was gonna be back at work remember i said to you fiori i'm like no i mean i'll probably come back on wednesday you know a couple days after the third are you shitting me i was in a fetal position crying on my bathroom floor till like friday night and let me tell you folks folks, I have a fucking high threshold for pain. I mean, you know, I identified as a gay fellow for a couple of years.

I was in the Navy for a year and a half. Like I said, I was Spacey's intern and, you know, so. And I roamed with, what's his name? The gay football players, Sam.

I can't. It would have been funny if, what's his name? The gay football player, Sam. I can't. That would have been funny if I could remember his name, but the Percocets kick and the shit out me. Let's take one more call before we go to break, and we'll get on to more accusations out of Hollywood. 866-969-1969 is the phone number. And Andrew in Oregon. Let's go to Andrew in Oregon.

Andrew, what's going on? What's up, buddy? How are you doing today? I'm doing the show standing up. How are you doing? Oh, my God. So I've had chronic hemorrhoids since I was a teenager.

You know, pushed a little too hard carrying the tuba. Carrying the fucking tuba? Oh my God. There must have been... Now, how did it feel when your boyfriend was banging you?

It must have been even worse. It wasn't gay. Our balls didn't touch. The race we need. This is race. This is race. Go ahead. Anyways,

I've had several surgeries done and what surgery did they do to you? Did they pack yours when they were done with it or they leave it open oh they sewed it i have stitches in my ass my ass looks like fucking like yeah my my ass looks like arturo gaudi's eye and the second mickey wood fight that's that man like the worst i've ever had was that they had to shove this God stuff up in there after they did, like, this half-moon cut of, like, half of my sphincter. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, that was, it was the worst hemorrhoid that I'd ever had. It was the worst hemorrhoid this doctor had ever seen. He'd been a doctor for, like, 20 years doing this. And it was, like, the size of, like, a large man's thumb. And it was a pretty fucking brutal man. That sounds like a tumor. I thought it was a tumor. I freaked out, and I made my sister come into the bathroom

and look at it because nobody else was home, and I thought I shit out my intestine. Oh, God. Help us. Yeah, it was, as a 16-year-old boy, that was pretty embarrassing. And then she needless to say, she went around and told everybody in the high school. And so everybody walked around slapping my ass

for the next two weeks until I could get to the doctor. That's not the worst thing that could happen to you. All right, fella. I gotta go to break. Thanks for the call. I got a couple things. have to throw it to break I have to change my pad and look what I did to this pillow I'm sitting on

a commemorative George Washington pillow he's crying blood tears right now later on top of the second hour Joe Mattarizzo our buddy will be in here with me that's right, the DePaulo den. He doesn't live that far from here.

And when I come back, I wanted to hit on, you know, again, accusations. Obviously, you guys know I'm friends with Louie. And it's so funny. People are so ignorant on Twitter. One guy literally tweeted, fucking DePaulo and Norton.

They fucking knew. Fucking comedians are such scumbags. Well, what the fuck? What? Knew what? I knew as much as you fucking did. But obviously I have thoughts on it and the whole thing. Like I said, it's becoming feminist versus man. You're not going to see a male fucking actor, director, producer. They're all going to be replaced by robots anyway. So what the fuck's the matter in the long run, folks? Am I right? 866-969-1969. Sit tight.

I will. You're listening to The Nick DiPaolo Show on Faction Talk Sirius XM 103. And now, back to the Nick DiPaolo Show on SiriusXM, Faction Talk 103. Hey, welcome back. Final segment on a Monday night. Real quickly, I want to thank Brendan Lowe, Darren Card, Chris DeVito, Dennis the Grab Bag,

and Robert Shoeter for contributing to the Nick DiPaolo podcast. If you want to do that, if you want to sign up for the podcast, you go to connectpal.com

slash Nick, connectpal.com slash Nick, $3.99 a month, and you get five shows a week. One of them is actually free. And we boil down the two hours on this show to an hour, and people are still signing up.

And if you want to contribute on top of that like these guys did, you can. So thank you so much. Talking currently with Joe Matariz, very funny dude, despite some of the callers. And you can catch him November 24th, the Mayo Performing Arts Center in Morristown, New Jersey. And he's got a one-hour special, Medicated. It's available to stream and download in Vimeo On Demand.

And you can catch me this Friday night at the Cary Memorial Hall, Lexington, Massachusetts. The following night at the Cabot Theater in Beverly, Massachusetts. And December 8th and 9th, I'll be at Helium in Buffalo. New Year's Eve, Hot Comedy Club in Yonkers, New York. The new Hot Comedy Club, by the way. I wanted to... Go ahead, Joe.

I was just saying that the main plug that I wanted to plug was the new podcast that I'm recording with Dr. Keith Abloh. Well, my producer didn't find that. Well, it's not. We're recording eight. Well, tell us about that, man. Recording eight episodes. I like Keith Abloh, by the way.

Yeah. Well, you should get a come on. I'm gonna, but you always want to. It's like, when? Three o'clock on a Tuesday. Yeah, I'll drive into the city. What the fuck? You could Skype in.

I told you that. We're doing a couple Skype episodes, but I don't like to do them. No, don't do that. We're taping eight episodes, four tomorrow and four on Wednesday, and they'll be out in probably the next two or three weeks. It's called Stand Up, Lie Down, and they want to follow us on Twitter. We just put a Twitter out called at Stand Up, Lie Down. Well, there you go.

Why didn't you bring that up when Corey was ripping your new asshole? Well, yeah. You're doing something different. He'll say that's the same thing, but it's not. We're interviewing comedians. We're pulling stand up clips and we're analyzing them. Enough with the analyzing. Enough with the fucking therapy angle.

It doesn't work. It only made you 190 grand in two years. I know. They don't work. It only made you $190,000 in two years. Well, no, I know. They don't know. That kid, I don't know where he's from. It says Los Angeles. You could be lying about that. But if he's one of those comics in L.A.

and just fucking focuses on everybody else's business, they get skewed in there. You haven't made it, Joe. You don't have a mansion and fucking eight cars, and that's how you judged in los angeles you must be doing something wrong exactly well they have the thing because my wife makes more than me and that that was my angle she's a fucking doctor for christ's sake let's go to uh kevin in south jersey he has an opinion on matter east go ahead kev

hey what's going on guys guys? What's happening? So, yeah, I actually saw Joe one time. He did stand up at a family picnic of mine for around a dozen people or so. He did it right there. This guy's making this up. No, Joe, I'm not. I did a comedy for your family picnic. A family picnic?

South Jersey. Joe, you're fucking terrible. I'm sorry. All right, Kev. That guy's hilarious. All right. Fucking. You don't think I'd remember?

You don't remember? What a wormy on the belly, huh, of people out there. This fucking ball is. He doesn't do what you do for a living, but he wants to. You know who has a great quote? He doesn't do what you do for a living, but he wants to. You know who has a great quote? He doesn't do what you do for a living, but he wants to. So he has to call up. Yeah, that's what they think. They think writing on the internet is also, they think that's show business.

This country lacks so much character, especially the millennials. I swear to God, I hope they all get cancer and bleed from their filthy fucking asses. You fucking motherless fucks. You don't want to. You fucking snowflakes. You pussies. You fucking faggots. No, I thought. Anyways, your thoughts.

The Foo Fighters. Dave Grohl. There's a documentary on the Foo Fighters. And he was saying it took him about a year to mourn the death of Kurt Cobain. And then he started the Foo Fighters. And people had the nerve to contact him and go, what is this shit? It sounds like Nirvana.

And he goes, you know who was in Nirvana? Me. What the fuck? I'm doing what I do. And he goes, I don't read anything anymore. You just do your piece of fucking work, and you put it out there, and you move on. That's why, remember back in the day, actors wouldn't go on The Tonight Show.

You always heard, like, what was his problem? Because that was their version of going, I don't care what anybody thinks. I'm doing what I want to do, and I don't, what are you listening to? Wait a minute. Them going on The Tonight Show was their version of? Well, guys, you hear, like, they don't watch the movie they were in. Right. They don't do interviews.

They don't really... They don't read reviews. They just do it. And then they do the next thing. Well, that's what I do. Yeah. When I go on Twitter, I fucking fast forward through right to the top to the last tweet.

I don't fucking read the 19 mentions. Don't read what they wrote. It gives a shit. But that's what we are. We've turned into a country of people who don't fucking read the 19 mentions don't read what they wrote gives a shit but that's what we are we've turned into a country of people who don't do they judge that's what we've turned into i agree there's no more lack of character i remember when i was in high school playing football and fucking my coach appointed like you know practice it point over like these fucking burnouts in the woods whatever yeah and he goes they fucking you know why they hate you he goes you can do what they're doing right now but they can't do what you're doing they can't fucking do it you could go over there and smoke weed and cigarettes and

fucking drink which i did eventually right after the right after the game i joined in with these kids i kind of liked them but uh i play on with my coach i go yeah you're right but they were right and that's why they hate you. I hate fucking, envy is the worst of all the seven, whatever the fucks. That's what I told you, the guys that sit in the back end.

And this country is loaded with it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they are, it fucking loaded with it. Fucking kids who couldn't, and this business is loaded with people like that who couldn't do it

in fucking high school. And that's why, you know, they have the Judd Apatows of the world. That's why every fucking jerk off in his movie is a jock,

a white jock with a football leather jacket on. And that's been going on since the fucking 80s. That's who runs this business. Nerds. People who get fucking,

yeah, nerds. And you know what? I'm glad they get the shit kicked out of his kids because when they grew up, they turned out to be real assholes. Yeah.

Well, I said that to one. I said that to the better guy in his radio show. I said that to one of these guys once do you know what i was talking i go you didn't play sports did you he goes what the fuck's that supposed to mean i go because in sports you if you talk shit out on the fucking field yeah you might get your ass kicked in the parking lot by nine guys or just me yeah but you're not you're

not used to having to answer like that's because they're that's what they do like there's a i saw some interesting documentary also in the bbc about this uh about trolls and this girl did a documentary and she's she's a model and how much hate she was getting on the internet and i'm like these guys are out the girl's fucking gorgeous and they're like look at your zits look at you guys are girls both both it was like, these guys are out. The girl's fucking gorgeous. And they're like, look at your zits. Guys or girls? Both. Both.

It was like all these people that were coming at her. That's human nature. It's because they wish they were fucking pretty as you. As Bill Hicks said, we're a virus with shoes. It's my favorite fucking quote of all time. And fucking, it's an insult to viruses, actually, when you think about it. But, yeah, no. I was going gonna get into roy

more tonight because we usually do more politics here but by the time i fucking tease this story and the phones light up we'll be saying good night so we'll stick uh to people that want to punch joe in the face oh really love him aren't you glad you came over joe and i really wish this was uh i wish i knew more about technology, Facebook Live. I'd pull my underwear off right now and put them right up to the camera, and I'd make half the nation throw up. It really looks like Lincoln's fucking hair about eight hours after the theater shooting.

That's my... Do they have to shave all your... Just an open wound. Do they have to shave all your asshole hair? No, they didn't. No? No, they use duct tape. They just slap that shit.

I don't know. I didn't look at my asshole yet. I'm afraid to. Oh, you can't even tell it's so bloody if there's hair or not? I can't even tell. I feel stitches. I feel stitches and shit. It looks like Raggedy Ann dolls fucking.

Are they those dissolvable stitches or you got to get them taken out? No, these you have to lick out. You have to either get a prostitute or a very hungry dog. Yeah, they dissolve apparently. I don't even know what that means. Where do they go? What do they made of? Pixie stick dust?

My ass was going to fall out while I'm bowling one night. They must have dissolved. Fucking somebody's anus. That's in the gutters. Oh, my God. dissolved. Fucking somebody's somebody's anus is fucking that's in the gutters. Oh, my God. I don't know. Let's let's. Yeah, I'll get into Roy Moore.

That's, of course, for you political folks who follow this show. You know who he is. He's trying to fill Jeff Sessions seat. Sessions left to become attorney general for Trump. And there's a seat in the Senate open. He was the chief justice of Alabama. He's the one who put the Ten Commandments in his fucking, you know, in his courtroom and they wanted him to take them out. He said, fuck you.

He's the guy who took a gun out when he won an election on stage. He had a gun out. And anyways, there's a bunch of women coming out of the woodworks from years ago saying that when they were young that he fucking, you know, he tried to fuck them and want to, you know, lock one of them in a car and stuff. And I actually pulled a clip of the audio of the woman who spoke today. But you know what? We'll do that tomorrow, yeah?

Fiore, you call on that, yeah? Yeah, we don't have enough time now. We'll talk about that. And the question there is, is it the Washington Post, a left-wing fucking rag doing a hit job? Or are these legitimate? And, you know, I gotta be honest. I heard this woman today.

She sounded like the legitimate victim but again you know it all comes out to you know 12 days before the big election and shit so uh it's interesting isn't it you've been sitting on that story for however how long no but i voted for trump and my husband so again i i don't know i don't believe anything anymore especially after how trump Trump exposed CNN for the lying cocksuckers that they are. I don't, I don't, especially don't believe the fucking Washington Post, who's the print version of CNN, in my dirty opinion.

Let's go to the phones. Mike in Philly's got a question about Joe's prescriptions. Go ahead, Mike. Hey, it's me, Mike from Philly. All right,. Go ahead, Mike. Hey, it's me, Mike from Philly. All right.

Take it easy, Mike. Take it easy. Take it easy. I'm surprised these guys know how to work a phone. Kevin in Tennessee. Joe, you had mentioned earlier that Louie could have banged these chicks but jerked off instead, and Kevin wants to discuss that. Say hi to Joe Matariz.

Hey, Joe. Just want you to quantify your statement. First of all, being from Tennessee, if you're 32 and you want to go out with a 14-year-old,

we call those pedophiles. But as far as... What does that have to do with the Louis? We're not talking about... That's got nothing to do with Louis. Hey, but with the Louis

conversation, you said that since these girls were in his hotel room, he could have banged them anyway. No, I said he could have tried to have banged them. It would have been like a normal guy move. It would be like, I got girls in my room.

Now I'm going to, hey, you want something to drink? You talk to them. You work your fucking magic. I'm trying to help you, Joe. I'm trying to help you, Joe. Check the playback and get ready for, you know, that way you can plan for the twitter onslaught tomorrow hey i understand i understand where you're coming

from i don't think that's what you meant that's what you said and i just wanted to give you the heads up on it brother what is he saying that i said thank you kevin what is he saying that i said nick you didn't say he tried he could have tried you said he could have banged these girls that's what kevin's saying big fucking difference and I'm sure the planet will stop on its axis once we clear that up. Jesus Christ. And I love Kevin for being a fan of the show, but really? Fucking A. They just sit there and they fucking wait for something.

Why do they care? They can re-edit it in their own way anyway, so what do they care about? This is rape. This is rape. This is rape. You're raping me. This is rape. That's all I'm going to play every night when I come on. Welcome to the show. This is the news out of Hollywood tonight.

Welcome to SportsCenter. This is the news out of the NFL tonight. Welcome to TMZ. This is rape. This is rape. This is rape. Welcome to TMZ. This is Charlie Sheen on vacation. You're raping me. This is rape. This is rape. This is rape.

That's what I feel like. My asshole feels like I spent six months in a jail cell with Terrell Suggs. He was very horny and I had no say in it. Fucking ass is like a smashed and pumpkin. Let's go to Larry in Indiana. Larry, say hi to Joe Matarese. Joe's more than happy to come over here tonight.

Taking a real pound. Well, hello, Mr. DiPaolo. And hello, Mr. Matarese. Well, hello, Mr. DePaulo, and hello, Mr. Mattarese. Hi, Larry. Hi. I must confess, Mr. Mattarese, and I apologize for my ignorance, but I don't know a thing about your comedy. But I wonder about the Corey in L.A.,

if he's going to stop telling Dan Whitney to get her done. There's comedians out there who absolutely cannot stand. It's worse than fingernails on a blackboard because you can stop fingernails on a blackboard but they don't need me in their audience they have their own audience they have their own success and there's nothing i can do about their comedy one way or the other so i just ignore them and all the other people the haters out there they just just, well, fuck them. Just absolutely just fuck them.

You're doing your thing. You're having success. You're happy. Piss on the bastards. If I may quote my Aunt Rena, God love her and God bless her and God rest her, just poop on them. Just poop on them.

And don't worry about them. I mean, just absolutely. Just poop on them. don't worry about them i think just poop on them just do this to them well if you you would think if they had any common sense they would know that them going out of their way to hate on you is so much effort to do that that you would go why would i want how could that ever be someone well it shows how empty their fucking lives it just shows who they are he knows he's been following you and he's gonna cut it and retweet it and like just that you did that makes me know here's what

i always say that you're fucking how about? You're following my career. I'm not following yours. So who's the shithead here? Right. That's got me out of many jams. I'll be at Uncle Funny's in fucking Pittsville. In Pittsville. Go ahead, Larry. Well, that's exactly right. The thing about the Internet, they think that it gives them legitimacy that they have 10 followers.

When, you know, any jackass that's willing to mutilate himself can get 10 followers. That's not an audience. When you have people who pay money to come out and see you, that's a legitimate audience. When you have thousands of followers or more on the internet, that's a legitimate following. You have talent, you have your own audience, you have a show. People just think that they deserve an audience. That's the worst thing about the culture these days, is they think they deserve an audience. No one deserves an audience. An audience is something like respect, okay?

You earn that, all right? And if you have the ability and the talent to actually earn an audience, just like you earn respect, okay, that's not a gift. You don't get that as a gift. You don't take that as a given, like you deserve respect. No, you don't deserve shit. You only deserve what you earn. So just fuck the rest of the prick bastards.

Hey, Larry, does the Pope deserve an audience? I don't think the Pope deserves an audience, but he's a damn communist bastard from down below the equator, and he's an out-and-out leftist. And as for your asshole problems, Mr. DiPaolo, I can sympathize with your asshole problems, but your asshole problems can be fixed, unlike what we're dealing with in the modern political structure.

Those can't be fixed. OK. Larry, that was so well put. And I want you to I want you to weigh in tomorrow because I'm going to hit on the Roy Moore thing, because you're when I read this stuff and you're a trucker and the Southern and you follow politics closely, I don't know, this story is saying

I wonder what Larry, how he would weigh in on this. Real quick, because I only got a second, but is it a hit piece by the Washington Post? Is this legit? What do you think?

All political? It's clearly a hit piece. The Washington Post, to this legit? What do you think? All political? It's clearly a hit piece. The Washington Post, to quote James Carville, was dragging a $100 bill through a trailer park. Dragging a $100 bill through a trailer park. You know, they never know what you're going to find. Well, that's what they did. They hit people all over Alabama. The guy that runs Amazon, whatever that jackass's name is, and unlike your asshole, that asshole can't be fixed either.

But they were dragging a $100 bill through a trailer park. Right. That's what they—and of course—yes, I'm sorry. No, go ahead. I'm agreeing with you. Well, and also the right wing, what they call themselves the right wing, all they are is just not as far left as the Democrats, and that's all they are. The rhinos did not want the sitting senator to be defeated in the primary to Roy Moore, and those assholes would rather lose seats than deal with principal conservatives, and that's all you have to know

about Judge Roy Moore. God bless him. He's gonna win, because I think the people of Alabama in this media environment are way too sophisticated not to recognize a left-wing hit piece from the New York, or rather the Washington media, the Washington Post that's owned by Amazon. And I don't know why anybody would have a brain would, well, never mind. I'll save that for tomorrow, Mr. Say that tomorrow. We'll get into Bezos tomorrow.

All right. Yeah. And Mr. Mattarice, again, I apologize for not knowing your comedy, but being an old white-haired fucker with a phone with training wheels, okay, I don't do the Internet, so I'll judge for not being good. All right, Larry, take it easy. I love you, Larry. Thanks, man.

See you. Take care. I have a theory that that's do you know do you remember Randy Credico a comic yeah real left wing comic

I know the name I never met him funny fucking dude who I love it sounds just like him he says he's a truck driver so still to this day

every time he calls does he call every show is he in every show caller or a lot of shows every show now the pain is spreading to my hip i think the infection's going from my ass to my hip let's uh we only get three minutes left we'll take one more call and again go see uh joe don't don't tell him about the podcast that's it stand up lie down that's it stand up lie down down with... Dr. Keith Abloh. Psychologist Dr. Keith Abloh, who's from Boston.

Psychiatrist, yes. Psychiatrist. He's coming down from Boston right now, probably. I think he's great, man. I used to see him on O'Reilly all the time, and he always made sense. He hates these self-entitled little fucking snowflakes. Yep. And he's a real common sense guy.

Well, let's see how he deals with comedians and straightens them out a little bit. We can find a time between 4 and 4.05 a.m. on a Wednesday. We have to come to your fucking toilet. You got to come to my toilet. What did I do with your fucking plugs? What's the place, though, Morristown? Mayo. You'd have to have my website in front of you.

What is it, producer? It's Mayo. Mayo Performing Arts Center. My hometown. There you go. Thanks for weighing in. I appreciate it. It's the day after Thanksgiving, right?

November 24th, you go ahead. November 24th. Day after Thanksgiving. Day after Thanksgiving. I'll be laying face down trying to have stuffing removed with a pair of salad tongs by a couple aunt and uncle. I don't know. Do we get time for one more, producer?

Yes, we have exactly two minutes. Exactly two minutes. All right, let's go to Josh, line one. Josh, real quick, you're the last caller of the evening. I got to soak my ass. You're fucking done, you Nazi fuck. You fucking piece of shit. You fucking posted that audio without my fucking consent.

I fucking told you, motherfucker. I fucking told you. I fucking warned you. I fucking told you off the air, you fucking piece of shit. And you took personal information from my life, and you posted it on fucking YouTube, and I fucking asked you not to. He must be talking to you.

I don't know how to do YouTube. If you want to fucking solve this, you little bitch, fucking call me. Fucking call me, motherfucker. Because you don't have a fucking leg to stand on. You are fucking done. What did you do to this guy?

You are fucking done. All right, Josh. Thank you. Another fan. It sounded like you pulled that from a movie or something. I don't know what that was from. Andy, was that from something? It sounded like somebody in the media or something.

Yeah, whatever. Anyways, Joe, thanks a lot. Go see him. He's very fucking funny. His next special will be called Dunk Tank. Come see me this Friday night at Caryrie memorial hall lexington mass and then this saturday night cabot theater and beverly mass new year's eve at high young hot comedy club and yonkers thank you to all the callers and i will go rinse my filthy ass take care of yourself I saved the world today

And everybody's happy now The bad things gone away And everybody's happy now The good things here to stay Please let it stay. Please let it stay.