The Nick DiPaolo Show - 216 - Big Jay Oakerson

Episode Date: January 30, 2018

Big Jay Oakerson

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com. Oh, guess what? It's Monday again. What are there, three Mondays in a week? I just saw that again on 3030, Mike and the Mad Dog. Let me tell you something, folks. You can put two people in the room. You put Mother Teresa and the Pope on a morning show. They'll fucking hate each other after three weeks of doing radio.

It's just a fact. That's how radio is. Unless you get an alpha male and a beta male and some puss who... But, you know, usually guys, funny guys get on the mic and they're fucking throwing elbows the minute it starts. How about when those guys didn't talk for like months? That was my favorite part. I kind of related. Me and Artie never got that bad. But, um...

Bo Shetty, a lot of tension with him. He was trying to butt in. No. Who's sweeter than Mike Bochetti? How are you, folks? It's Monday. It's a Monday. Real quickly,

I have to thank my contributors that contributed to the Nick DiPaolo podcast, which you can subscribe to at connectpal.com slash Nick. connectpal.com slash Nick. $3.99 a month. Five shows a week.

You get a free one in there. It's on iTunes. It's on riotcast.com. nick, $3.99 a month, five shows a week. You get a free one in there. It's on iTunes. It's on riotcast.com. It's on Stitcher, all those places. And you can contribute on top of that, which Dennis Paul has. Thank you, Dennis. Buddy Dan Pamatuan, Cincinnati Tim Huell, Luke Anderson, Robert Shalider, and many others have contributed on top of the $3.99.

Thank you guys so much. And people are still signing up, so they like it. Luckily, we have very capable people like Brendan Stipes, who boils this show down to an hour, and Andy Fiore, I call him Danny. So, yes, connectpal.com slash Nick if you don't have Sirius Radio, which some people don't, you know. They don't have cars. I try to work it on my contract.

I get 50 cents from every car that has Sirius Radio. I'm not even listening to my show. I just want 50s. They didn't go for it. Is it Mel Carmisen? No. Who's want 50s. They didn't go for it. Who, is it Mel Carmesan? No. Who runs,

who's at the top now? Oh, Scott Greenstein. He might go for it. He likes me actually. He does. Finally, once I have a guy with some juice in my pocket.

Cut to me come renegotiation time fucking storming out of here in a heavy physique. Anyways, thank you people that came out to see me

and Andy Fiori this weekend at the Comedy Works, Saratoga Springs, New York. Great time. Buddy Tommy. It's his best room. He's bounced around many. Loved it. It was great.

And Fiori ripped the tits off the crowd. I have to remind the audience after. I go, look, he did 20 minutes. I did three times that, all right? Quit fucking sucking his dick. Boy, does that piss me off when I'm a headliner. Man, that guy was funny. He should be...

Listen, fuckface. Who can't be funny for 20 minutes? Peoria's fucking giving me the stink eye right now. But no, you did. They loved you. They fucking loved you. And what did I tell you? I still...

I have one bone to pick with you. Quit asking questions to the audience. You opened them up a couple times and they start yelling shit out. Don't do that. That's kind of, that's. No, you're not listening, fuckface. Do you respect me as a comic or not? Yes, I.

Don't do it. Hey, Eagles fans, who's been to Miami? Anybody? Do you like chocolate milk? And fuck, you don't do that. When do those come up? They, you want to hear? I recorded you.

You want to hear them? You don't, it's a sign of a green comic. Quit doing, you're killing with material.'t do that come up they you want to hear i recorded you you want to hear them you don't it's a sign of a green comic quit don't you're killing with material why do that don't start every bit with a question joe list did it when i first met him but he was 11 years old but you killed they when you were doing material you were killing i'm like why fucking you don't open the floor to drunks that's's why they start yapping. And then our buddy Mark from Albany, who loved, you know, he lived under communist rule in Poland. He said he was bringing, he wasn't kidding. His whole family was there. I didn't know who he was.

I've never seen. I pictured him because I'm a racist stereotypical. I pictured a giant head with a black mustache, a guy kind of beaten down, saggy eyes who owned a furniture store in Warsaw. And so the show's going on and this lady keeps yelling shit out. And I go, she wasn't yelling shit. I was trying to add to the show, and I go, enough already. Finally, I thought I'd shut you up. Shut it.

And then at that point, Mark says, I'm Mark from Albany. It was his wife. I felt so horrible. So bad I stayed around and took pictures with the whole family. And Mark didn't look like anything like I pictured. He had a tan. Yeah. He looked younger than me.

I was picturing a guy 10 years older than me. He looked younger than me. He had a tan. He looked healthy. Nothing like, I had this, it's weird what radio does to you. I had this guy with a big thick, what was that Mario video game? Super Mario. Yeah, I pictured that type of guy.

E.G.? Yes. Kind of a Polish version of that. And he looked nothing like that. He looked like he grew up in frigging, you know, New Jersey. And I felt so bad because I was telling his wife, will you shut your yap? And then he tells me who he is. And I felt so bad because I was telling his wife, will you shut your yap? And then he tells me who he is, and I felt horrible. And she was just adding to the show.

I brought up Whoopi Goldberg, and she goes, her real name's Karen Johnson. I'm like, who the fuck asked you? No interaction, you people. Shut your yaps when you come to a comedy club. Nobody wants to hear it, unless it's a comic who doesn't know how to doesn't have an hour material and needs the fucking you know killing time talking to the audience but after 30 years i don't want to hear from you i don't and most people know

that now they've seen me a few times they know does that make me a dick? No, it doesn't. Makes me somebody who understands what they're doing for a living. Shut it. Fiore killed all three shows. Thanks. Even Tommy said, even Tommy said, after you were up there like ten minutes on the first show, he came in and he goes, this guy's good. What are you, surprised? I could have brought a kid up from

the Shrine of Sainte, he'd have bombed. We'll send you this adorable love to the rescue blanket. I like when he's, have you seen the new one? He's wailing around the corner. Hi, Grandma. Love you.

I still haven't seen the new one. That's not even a new one. You haven't seen that one? No, but remember Saturday we went and let you go. Yeah, there's a whole lineup of new kids. And we're donating.

We're not making, I want to get this through. I'm not making fun of him. I'm making this kid just stop. He's got like a podcast for Christ's sake. He's interviewing pro athletes. I'm over here fighting for an 8 p.m. slot. It's serious.

Jesus Christ. I got to catch up. I went on a tirade too about Netflix and how, you know, not that I want a half hour special at this point, but Andy had put up the 30 people who are getting them in this one straight white male. So I was on stage. I think I opened that second show. I can't get on Netflix because I'm not from India with a fucking hair lip. he'd put up the 30 people will get them in this one straight white male so i was on stage i think i open that second show i can't get on netflix because i'm not from india with a fucking hair

lip or a gay black guy or a fucking i eat pussy but i'm a guy so it doesn't mean anything just a fucking just seriously that's what it's about now this business is about why do you get out of the way i ain't going nowhere you know how the DACA kids are like, we're not going anywhere? Neither the fuck am I. I was here before you, as a matter of fact. 866-969-1969. 866-969-1969. Big Jay Oakerson, where's his fucking, here it is, is going to be with us.

Hopefully in a few minutes. Doesn't he work right here in the building? So what's he doing? What's he in the kitchen eating soft pretzels? Get him in here. You know, Jay, he's the co-host of The Bonfire with Dan Soto, which is a hilarious show. Monday through Thursday, 6 to 8 p.m., Comedy Central Radio.

More people who never give me a fucking look. They were going to put me on their label after they built the network on my back and ate other comics through the 90s and no we can't do that uh comedy central's radio series xm95 you know big j likable funny uh just just a uh just a great guy this thursday you can see him february 1st through the 3rd at uh City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas. I can't believe that place is still open. I picture it. I can picture it. I did it 19 times. It's like in a parking lot in the middle of nowhere,

right near a bridge, right? It's kind of creepy. Yep. I finger-popped a homeless guy. I mean girl. Did I say guy? Under that bridge. For tickets and all of Jay's dates, head to BigJayComedy.com follow him at big jay okerson and uh catch me since we're doing business bobby v's wins a lot connecticut february 10th february

23rd and 24th governors in levittown new york march 3rd uncle vinnie's point pleasant march 9 and 10 side split is tampa hit me up at At Nick DiPaolo On social media Um Twitter is Definitely fucking with me I told you right That I get voted for saying Some shit about

Barbra Streisand All I said was Die in your sleep You libtwot And somehow You know After all the shit I read about Trump

Every fucking day That's not hate Bill Anyways This has been at me For like six minutes And um I can't get any traction on it fucking day. That's not hate, Bill. Anyways, he suspended me for like six minutes. And, um, I can't get any traction on it, so I stopped posting. So don't, I haven't posted anything

on there in fucking three weeks, I swear to God. Not counting show stuff. But yeah, they don't like right wing anything. And to them, I say, go fuck yourselves. Every single one he is is including Zuckerberg. That isn't a Facebook.

Now the elitist Jack off telling us we should all live and hold hands and diversity. But meanwhile, he's in a gated community works in a gated community, has his own fucking 80,000 campus, 80,000 acre campus. Just a total horse shit. Hypocrite.

They're all the same. They are all the fucking same, 80,000 acre campus. Just a total horse shit hypocrite. They're all the same. They are all the fucking same. But we had fun, didn't we, Andy? Saratoga's. Good weekend. Place called Peddler's. Peddler's.

Looks like a restaurant slash pub, like two feet from the hotel we stayed at. We wandered over there. That's not too depressing. I'm sitting there with Fiore, eating a chicken mandarin salad. Well, fucking who was playing on the radio? Like John Waite from the 80s. Fat girls

walking around. Oh my God, shoot me in the fucking head. Big Jay just walked in. The guy is the definition of hip. Look at him. He's a fucking handsome son of a bitch. Yeah. Didn't notice that. Under that light, Jay. Come on in, fella.

How are you, Nick? How you doing? Andy doing andy what's up bud i'm doing good i just walked by the there's a hip-hop party happening right next to you you don't think i was aware of that with my politics is that always going on at this time oh my god i walked by they gave me the bird apparently they know my politics. They come out of the gates like, fuck you. I went in the bathroom. It was five of them. It was fucking very awkward. I felt like I was in the 50s. I went into the colored bathroom.

Very fucking odd. Sorry, everyone. Wrong bathroom. I'm washing my hands. Two of them, one guy's got a San Jose Shark shirt on. I'm like, how are you? I'm in my khakis with plates in the front. Anyways, Jake, good to see you. Good to see you, too. I'm in my khakis with plates in the front anyways jake good to see you i'm gonna be honest with you man i was like why even you know i but he told me your

schedule is pretty nuts but i was like i don't think jay likes me no not at all are you sure love you yeah are you sure very sure do you follow me on twitter i think so i don't i wanted to have you on a long time ago but but then, like, Andy just explained to me, with Bonfire, and then you have a podcast, the Skanks thing. Two podcasts, yeah. Three, I guess, technically, if you count Roast Battle, too. And Roast Battle. So, I'm only home Monday, Tuesday, Wednesdays from the road, and those days I have to do, like, 12 hours of broadcasting. See that?

And he's doing eisenhower it's a one-man play aren't you on broadway off broadway off broadway it's on 32nd street and 11th um no i'm glad you're here i was really getting fucking paranoid we had soda in here you know yeah i was just telling andy when i listened to the bonfire i feel fucking old it's the only thing that makes me feel why because you guys everything's like a pop culture reference oh yeah and I don't know what the fuck and you jump from subject to subject and everybody's fucking laughing and I know the people at home are laughing I'm in my car going I can't follow these guys do you uh do you we should just

do is kind of keep up with the the basic like award shows We just did a whole thing on the Grammys. Yeah, see? No. I boycott them. They hate me. Hollywood, people like that hate my guts and everything I stand for. Oh, the Grammys people. Yeah. Grammys, doesn't matter. Oscars, Tonys. But here's what you get, though. You get to... This is what I

use it for, at least. I know, you skew all these people. Is to get... Yeah, to take in the pop culture references now i have all the references so i can tell you about all the shit no but no i follow it but i don't get much new music but i know it i know i also have a 15 year old daughter you know which which helps with that kind of stuff too the pop culture thing that's right i know because of her uh a lot of stuff too but i watch the grammys to just have my finger on the pulse of what's going on. The names and everything.

Yeah, I know. But I look at Bond to do that. That's the wrong pulse. You know the amateur shit? Yeah, I do know the amateur shit. LatinaHousewives.org. Holy fucking moly. We were just talking about, because Miley Cyrus, everybody went and put on their most

non-provocative clothing last night for the Grammys because this is the year they're going to say that it's over. You can't just look at our tits and boxes for free anymore. Which is, to me... Time is up. Except you could just Google Miley Cyrus taking a piss on the side of the road while drinking a beer, which is just a fantastic picture. Into Charlize Theron's mouth.

But here's why that's stupid, and this is why they're stupid, and I can't waste my time on them anymore. Okay, they're going to dress less provocatively. To show they won? Well, then that's back on the guy who goes, you know what, you was asking for it when you get fucked.

It sort of is. It is. It really is supporting that. No, I don't know. I'm annoyed with the time's up. Yeah, time's up. Because, you know, rape and sexual harassment weren't legal. I'm annoyed with the times up Yeah times up You know Rape and sexual harassment weren't legal

Like you know four months ago It was never legal Times up for what that you're gonna finally tell a guy Like spit a cock out of your mouth And be like I don't want to do this Yeah it's 3.30 It's 3.30 January 28th

No more rape I just heard the Dan Harmon story very recently. The guy, Dan Harmon, who did Community, and he's got the popular pocket Rick and Morty. Don't tell me they're going after this guy. They went after him. A girl, a girl particularly went after him. And his response,

I heard, was very like, he goes, oh yeah, he goes, for sure. He goes, but I liked this girl, actually. He's like, I liked her a lot. And then, when I realized she wasn't recipro reciprocating i guess or the idea was he treated her a little bit differently like he was like well then kind of like fuck her i guess and was kind of shitty to her he's like i was wrong of me to do that i shouldn't have done that and that was terrible of me and then she had to kind of come out and say like oh maybe i should have just said something to you then about it instead of just being quiet about it and waiting for a public time to go.

What did she accuse him of? I think just treating her kind of like giving her preferential treatment and being like a certain way with her and then being different when she. Oh, so that's going to be lumped in with Harvey Weinstein getting a chicken. It all is, though. But that's the problem is it all. I know that. I mean, Aziz Ansari didn't give me red wine. I'm a red wine drinker.

Now I'm raped. Seems very bizarre to me. And the claw. I know that I mean Aziz Ansari Didn't give me red wine I'm a red wine drinker Now I'm raped Seems very bizarre to me And the claw I invented that in high school For Christ's sake The fish was Only my fingers Went in the eyes

Bitches like that You blind them You take them Marked for death style You just go in For the Jamaican eye gouge When I didn't have Salt to throw in the face

866-969-1960 And they were talking to Big Jay Oakerson Of the Bonfire fame And 19 other things Legion of Skanks And his one man show Eisenhower I like how you approach your sexual harassments Like a 1980s wrestling valet

You're there always to throw some smoke in their eyes Some chalk That was the move in the 80s You got a girl walking around the room Like Van Damme in Bloodsport, trying to use her feelings and other senses to know where your dick is. She's making smoke rings as I choke her. They like to be choked. I choked many girls, not even in the bedroom.

It was always either in the kitchen or the living room before the sex. They're killing the spontaneity and wild fun of any kind of thing, man. I've had girls put my hand on their throat, and you're almost like, yeah? Are you serious? Are you sure? Yeah. Well, that's it. Shy with her.

Adam's apple. Before you ask, feel that lump. There it is. There she is. Yeah, you guys man you guys with the the fucking social media i said that you can't get laid you're in your 20s and 30s mother of god give it up it's fucking well huh we just did on the show was talking to lewis j gomez on the Bonfire a bit ago. How do you keep up? We were told five, six months ago for the last... It stopped

about five, six months ago, but for the last couple years we were told to stop slut-shaming. Stop saying... Let girls go out there and blow 50 guys if they want to. And not call them on it? Is that what that means? Don't call them a slut. If they want to blow people from the rescue, why can't we? Guys do it. Guys do it. And then like overnight it's just like keep your fucking hands

off of right who do you think you are right I think like you know all the Monique thing above boycotting stuff and everyone's to boycott like yeah the thing I mean like Natalie Portman did you see that at the Golden Globes when she came out? She's so hot. But she came out on a thing and they were like, they were like, all right, you're nominees. They were presenting. You're nominees for Best Director. And then she goes, you're all male nominees. It's like, oh, suck a dick.

I mean, that's crazy. And then I put it on once. What would you take that moment for? I put it on once, the show. Golden Gloves? Yeah the Golden Gloves I literally was flipping through I can't watch that shit

It makes me go mentally So I flip it on And I Just angers me to think What I could have said about Obama And didn't And I flip through it And Oprah's speaking

So I stop She's telling a story about Six white guys That raped a black woman In the 50s yeah oh raise up i'm woke i know that changed the fucking channel and now they're like she should run for president because yes exactly because she's a good storyteller should morgan freeman run for president just because his speeches would be so mor Freeman-y. And white man, hell, barely down.

Now, Libya is a fine country. I don't want no trouble. I'm just saying, Syria. I'm just saying, little fat man. We got a button, and it's bigger than yours. 866-969-1969. Talking to big Jay Olkerson Me and Jay did a gig

Where were we Jay? Up Niagara Falls? Seneca Casino Seneca It's a nice Didn't you like that setup or no? I did yeah I actually was in the round like that

Yeah Semi in the round Yeah Yeah that was really cool That was my first time ever there so Yeah Casino gigs are alright In and out

Love them Short trip Love them Short flight up I don't like Like back in the day When I did Catch a rising star in Vegas

It would be a Tuesday to a Sunday And I don't gamble Oh yeah You talk about a long Fucking week When you're staying at a casino And it just depresses I

You know I get up for morning radio They pick me up at 6am I'm walking through the casino You see a guy in his 70s In a members only jacket Drinking a Heineken Just ripping butts Yeah It's 7 in the morning He's got dirty He's got dirty sneakers on He's been up all night I'm walking through the casino. You see a guy in his 70s in a members-only jacket drinking a Heineken. Just ripping butts.

Yeah. It's 7 in the morning. He's got dirty sneakers on. He's been up all night. Why is he? Doesn't it take some luck to win? I'm looking at this guy. What makes you think you're fucking lucky?

You're 70. You have an oxygen tank next to you. You're in dirty sneakers. He figures all the chips must be stacked in the gambling luck. He's like, well, I've got nothing on the physical end. That's right. I'm following the shit. That's the mentality. Maybe God will give me a win for life for my last four good years.

A win for life. I just got off a cruise ship where they had me host bingo because they didn't want any of the actual cruise people to host the things on this boat because it was a chartered boat for a heavy metal thing. That sounds like it pays good. Boats pay good.

It's a chartered thing, so it's great. It's not just a bunch of blue hairs. We played bingo and I had to host it. Man, people take bingo pretty seriously. They don't want to hear your jokes in between their numbers. Oh, see. They don't want to hear you talking shit about bingo.

Yeah. G7, some lady with two plastic hips tries to jump up. We definitely made it inappropriate as possible for 11 in the morning. What were you saying, Mike? What was some of the shit you were saying? Just how much this game sucks. How ridiculous it is. Some people are getting upset.

I'm like, there's no way to zhuzh this moment up. Because even if I'm just nailing you. Oh, look at this One here, and are you guys America you two losers? Oh 41 What did they think you were gonna do as a comic host and big? I mean, I mean they like that they were fine with it, but it's like they weren't they were much They're very intense about such a lame Thing to do like bingo to be that invested in it.

They come with their own little stampers and shit. I've had people come up to me on the boat afterwards and they were like, listen, he goes, I come from a long line of bingo players and that was by far the most fun bingo ever. Yeah, there you go. Which is nice, but you're like, a long line of it. She's like, my mom plays bingo.

You realize that's a lot of this country, man. A lady, a divorcee who plays bingo, her 25-year-old son lives with her, and she's just waiting to get fingered while Black Label Society plays on the main stage. On the poop deck. While Stone Sour's wailing in the Victoria Aft Lounge. She's getting fucking boo-food in a jacuzzi. See, that was like a segment of Bonfire. I had no idea what the fuck those references meant. You didn't know those bands? No.

You're not Stone Sour? No. Stone Sour. I don't even know them. But you'd like that. Like what? Those, that music I just said there, it's just like rock and roll music. Is it really? Black Label Society is Zach Wild. You know, Zach Wild is Ozzy Osbourne's guitarist forever. Yes. Since the 90s. Actually,

wait a minute, he wanted to beat me up at a roast. Zach Wild? Yeah, that makes sense. He's like a big fucking- He's a big Viking looking motherfucker. Yeah, and I made a crack at him. Made a crack. Oh, yeah.

Something tells me he doesn't have a good sense of humor at all. We were doing an NFL draft or something. Would he have been on that? Sure. Yes, he was. Yeah. It was an NFL draft. They already introduced me and Artie.

We were already sitting up there on the dais. Now they're introducing the rest of it. And Zach Wild was one of them. And I go, ah, into the mic and go, nice fucking hat. Fuck you, man, with these fucking eyes that get this big. He's like a big dude.

Fucking me and Artie like, oh, Jesus. Yeah, he's like a big Viking guy. I don't give a fuck. I'll die. I'd love to die in a row with some of my shoes on. He's an older gentleman at this point now. Yeah, so am I. And he's still about 6'3", 240 it looked like. He had shoulders on him

like a fucking... Yeah, he really does look Nordic to say the least. Yeah, he did. He looked like a Nordic fucking meth addict. And stone sour you might not know.

But Corey Glover was on the boat. He's from Living Color. It's a cult of personality. You know that song. Yeah. Anybody, how about Man Without Hats?

Are they a representative? The safety dance? No, but there was... That's my go to reference When we talk music But there was A Norwegian guy Who was on A YouTube sensation

That came and sang A heavy metal version Of Africa by Toto No Oh yeah See I know the song It's 80s Oh I love the song

Pat Noswalt If I heard a bit He was It is a great bit I heard on the radio On the way home About him Having a depressing day

And him trying to buy frozen foods. And he goes, African Matoto is playing in the supermarket. That's great. Perfect. It's one of those songs. It's one of the five songs that when I pass it on my iTunes or whatever, that I'll never- You'll stop?

I'll always stop. Yeah. There's very few of those songs. Brendan's laughing at it. I'll tell you who I fucking love And you better play him When we come back Alright

Chris Stapleton Oh yeah you enjoying him? Yeah you don't like him? He was just on SNL I like his vibe I don't know the music very well But I like the big beard Long hair

He's the real deal But you can tell It's not a fucking act Sort of like Charlie Daniels He was born with that beard And that fucking hat Yeah he's supposed to have it Yeah

And his voice is killer. And Midnight to Memphis, did you find it? I saw it on SNL. I'll get it. Yeah, pull that. He did it on SNL this week? Yeah. That was great.

And it was fucking both songs. I was like, God, I like this guy. So that means he'll be gone in a year. You know how it works. He was all over. He was on the Grammys. He did a couple things in the Grammys. Did he really?

See, you're right. I should have watched it. Let's take a- I think he did a couple things in the Grammys. Did he really? See, you're right. I should have watched it. Let's take a- I think he did a Tom Petty tribute. Huh? I think he played Wildflowers. Is that what it was? Tom Petty tribute.

Did he? God damn it. One thing I know. I was watching the episode of Chopped. All right, let's take a break, and we'll talk with Big Jay Ogeson, co-host of the Bonfire. We come back. The phones are lighting up. Jay, you're very popular here on the station.

And we'll take some of your calls, and we'll talk about other stuff. Sit tight, kids. We come back. The phones are lighting up, Jay. You're very popular here on the station. And we'll take some of your calls and we'll talk about other stuff. Sit tight, kids. Back after this. You're listening to the Nick DiPaolo Show on Faction Talk Sirius XM 103. We'll be right back. Well, I just looked down, gave me 40 days Studied to find that I could not fade Said what right to assume me home Cross the line

you'll be on your own Forty days A shotgun and barbed wire pensive Forty nights I said listen The Nick DiPaolo Show returns now. Welcome back. Segment two on a Monday.

Talking to Big Jay Oakison of the Bonfire fam. And that's Chris Stapleton. Love him. Anybody else out there? I really do. I dig his vibe. It looks like he's got a song out with Justin Timberlake, which this is Justin Timberlake's new trying to, like,

untwinkify himself. Yeah. It's a new thing His new album's called The Man in the Woods The Man in the Woods And he's got a beard And he's wearing like A sheepskin

And he's white now He's playing The white side of him Or something Oh yeah Right Yeah More so as he gets older

I feel like Talented guy Unbelievably talented He's an unhatable Unfortunately Absolutely right Saw him hosting. Didn't he host the ESPYs once? He hosts the ESPYs, his SNLs. He's always

willing to make fun of himself. He hosted the ESPYs. He was better than most comics. He's willing to make jokes about himself. I was bummed out. Another AVN Awards goes by. I'm never getting a shot at hosting. I want to host those so bad. I get called a couple times and didn't do it. You didn i want to host those so bad i want to swipe a couple

times and didn't do it you didn't want to do it no i uh i'm married ari spears did it this year apparently proving my point um i did i did uh i hosted the they have us awards for the best strip clubs in the nation i hosted that one how was that fucking ron jeremy comes up to me i mean i'm like hiding backstage after the show comes up and he goes i fucking love you on stern and bubby brings two strippers back you know they get the tits hanging out oh yeah i'm just trying to talk to him did he start ripping his jokes my penis is only two inches from the flua he's such a doofy florida jew He really is. Ron Jeremy. Hey, you want to see my schmeckle?

Yeah, no, he is. A guy that can count down to cum from 10 seconds shouldn't also call his dick a schmeckle. These poor young girls. I started 30. How great is junk, just boot and heroin, that you're willing to fuck Ron Jeremy when he comes and talks to you. You still got to put on a good face because he doesn't hide his age and his weird goofiness. And he goes, all right, I'm going to put on my schmecko. And then this young, hot Asian 22-year-old is going to suck it. That's what he sounds like.

Yeah. And you're like, this girl is just, oh, I bet the smell's coming off that guy. It just smells like a deli case. Salted meats. What an easy gig, though. I did 15 minutes up front of my filthiest shit. And then I had to introduce,

you know, whatever, from the Gold Club in Atlanta. They were the semifinals last year. And it was fucking great. That's all I did. And I got, you know, fucking nine. It was like lo-fi figures. You know what I mean? And they're like great. That's all I did. And I got, you know, fucking nine. It was like low five figures or whatever.

You know what I mean? And they're like, Portia just returned from nationals in her second campaign for top stripper. Yeah. This is the quiet, the golf announcers. Three-time recipient of the Sticky Pole Award. I've only hosted like stripper contests and stuff never on the big scale but i tell

david tell always tells me like uh he's done it probably many times yeah but not that he told me i wouldn't do well he just goes a tell really believes and maybe he's right maybe he's wrong you know i don't know that you have to approach it like they don't have a sense of humor about themselves. Yes, true. You can't make fun of them. You have to pay tribute to them in the humor somehow. And I was like, I got to say, I semi-disagree with that. I mean, I could be proven wrong for sure, and he probably would know better than I can.

He's talking about the porn stars, not just the street. I'd like to take a shot, though, at doing it the way I would do it. Because, I mean, I do, there's got to be a happy medium there where you can kind of take the piss out of this industry that's so ridiculous. It's so ridiculous.

Of course. I mean, like, any girl, I mean, they never come out of it okay. Jenna Jameson was the only hope for someone who were like, look at that, went mainstream and just lives a life. Yeah.

And then you see her like, you know, she's like drunk talking on the Today Show about her book. It's a crazy book. There's been like, look at that. Went mainstream and just lives a life. And then you see her like, you know, she's like drunk talking on the Today Show about her book. It's a crazy book. There's been like three. Nutty things. And Tina Ortiz is putting her in fucking guillotine chokes at home. There's been three recent deaths, like back to back to back of porn stars, of young girls

too. Suicide always? Yeah. One was a suicide, August Ames. A couple of them. Yeah. Right in a row. Yeah.

Back to back. It was in the Sunday Post I cut it out, I framed it over my bed I don't like these dirty bitches It never ends well You have to listen to the sad speeches about them While you're watching them just get tagged up by three black dicks Well, that's what I'm saying

None of us get here crying for help with all that cock in our mouth No, exactly When I would go to titty bars, I used to go to titty bars. That's all I would think about. While I was watching them dance, I was always thinking about what uncle, what fucking, what half. Yeah. Every, don't tell me, there's not a one that wasn't fucking violated.

I used to drive. And they deny it now in articles. No, I grew up in a healthy, that bullshit. I used to drive. Maybe wrong. I used to drive escorts and strippers back from bachelor parties and stuff. I had that job briefly in Philadelphia. Can you quit that for comedy? Can you believe it?

But I'll tell you what, it was funny. People used to ask that. Are you fucking these girls or anything at all? I'm like, no. I'd watch them go do their thing and then the drive home, you become their girlfriend. You're driving home and they start doing like,

ah, the guy was so sweaty and smelled so bad, whatever. And I gotta just fucking, I'm just doing this till I can get my kids back from social. So it's always like something that was like, they're waiting. Yeah, you're a bartender now, basically. Yeah, I fell,

the first one I ever drove, I fell in love with and I brought, I went back to her house and brought her flowers the next day. And then she didn't fuck me or do anything. You brought her flowers? It was the lamest, fattest, funniest, doofy kid not knowing what's going on in the seedy world yet.

It's a dozen white ones. It was funny. As I was driving her home, she goes, do you mind stopping at that 7-Eleven? I want to buy some flowers. And I was like, why? And she goes, after a night of work, I just always like to buy myself some flowers

because I deserve it. And I was like, this is a great inn. So I was like, I'm going to show up at her house tomorrow and just give her flowers and then leave. I don't have any kind of weird, creepy, like she's going to invite me in. I was like, hey, you deserve for someone else to get you some flowers. I'm like that'll work nothing

Didn't hook up with her at all and then a year or so later. I was just calling around one night I just had no work You know I wasn't making any money in comedy at all yet And I was like I'll make some money out call one of these companies these companies will hire a driver Sometimes just on the phone like sure go grab these two girls and go do the thing. And he goes, this guy goes, yeah, come to my apartment. No vetting? No vetting. They go, come to my apartment

and, you know, I'll meet you and then if it works out, I'll send you tonight with some girls. And he goes, I go, great. I go to his place. He brings up the two girls. One's his cousin. The girl's cousin is the first girl I ever drove I hadn't seen her since that night ever and

She that year that's when you got flowers what yeah, whatever She was doing to herself and that year had beaten her up bad She looked awful and at the end of that I know self flowers. Yeah At the end of that night. She was throwing pussy I felt like, but it was like, no. I'm like, now she has scabs on her butt cheeks and shit. Here we go. Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife.

I guess I'll have to spread my legs now, she says. Why, he asks. Don't you have a vase? Thank you, Uncle Junior. I gotta play that at least once a week to make me feel good about myself. But that really is, yeah, that world is, none of them are, come out of the whole thing perfect at all. Surprisingly. That's like saying someone's 100% stable transgender.

It's impossible. Exactly. You's impossible. Exactly. You can't. Oh, you're a bigot, Jay. Forget it. You're a bigot, Jay. Just trying to wrap your brain around the concept

that you feel you were born wrong to think that you don't have to go. Listen, I've got weird things about, I hate looking in mirror. I hate it. Like I avoid mirrors. It freaks me out if there's mirrors. If there's mirrors all over a hotel bathroom, I take a shower in the dark, which is pretty

personal stuff to tell people. But it's very true. What, are you molested by a Maybelline artist? No, but it's almost my point that I'm saying, I don't come out and go, I'm not transgendered or gay or wrestling or anything like that, but I wrestle with, it's like, I definitely need some sort of therapy because I'm not wired right. And if you think you want to go, you know, almost like Chappelle's got the joke to kind of set it as best you can say it, but you want to cut your fucking cock off, you probably need to talk to somebody about that.

Sure. Even if you're sure you want to do it. The limo driver. Let's go to Johnny in Texas. Very excited that Jay's on the show. Johnny, what's happening? Hi. Say hi to Big Jay.

Big Jay motherfucking Oakerson and Nick DiPaolo on the set. Holy freaking shit, this is fantastic. It's a perfect storm. You guys seriously are two of the best, of the three best comics on the planet, and it's not just because you say funny shit. I mean, you guys truly are intelligent I know it sounds like I'm sucking your dick

but you guys are so go ahead Johnny you guys are so smart and then you throw all that comic you can only talk about dorks and nuts for so long to get chuckles and you guys are just truly so so friggin smart

it's fantastic i love both y'all shows but hey real quick so i wanted to talk about um so you guys know the rooney the the rooney rule um in in football in nfl before you hire a head before a team hires a head yes you gotta yeah you gotta interview a black guy. Seriously. Really? Yeah, in the minority. Yeah. Oh, I thought you were just making that up. No, that's the Rooney rule. That's the fucking Rooney rule.

You have to... Yeah, that's a true thing. A minority. So tell me, I understand it, I guess. I fucking understand it. But tell me, as a black cat, do you want to... Of course not. It's insulting.

It's patronizing. It's insulting. I mean, you want to be in that room knowing you had to be there. Nobody asked for you to be there. It's fucking absolute horseshit. And as far as black coaches, and I've said this before, it should be. It should be merit, especially the owners. You know, the players always laugh at the owners.

They're all about the money. It's a business. That's right. And if the fucking best candidate is black, they're going to fucking hire you. I don't want to hear it anymore about Kaepernick and whatnot. And if the top 50 coaches on the planet, best football coach, happen to be all black, then they should be all black. Or if they're all fucking Asian, they should all be. That's all there is to it.

But again, people want to keep it alive that, you know, this race. Give me a break. Where's the argument that there's not. Thanks, Johnny, for the call. There's no argument that there's not enough white people in basketball. I've been arguing that for years. And there's a limited amount, but who cares? Of course.

Do you want to watch? What's a better league? I want to watch the best game possible. I don't give a shit who's what. I couldn't care less. Exactly. I would never not hire. Me and Dave Smith love this conversation all the

time too it's there's no place in the world for the belief system of like almost like if a transgendered person is the best person for a coaching job right right that's right out of the line but if that's the best person for the job i believe you should hire that person i believe you're a fool not to hire that person if they're the best person to. I believe you're a fool not to hire that person. If they're the best person to do the job, you're a fool not to hire them. But if you don't want to hire someone because they're transgender, I also defend that right, too. It's like, okay, that's his private thing. He doesn't want to do it. Maybe that makes him a sour, bitter person.

Let him deal with his own feet. Or it makes him very smart. Not to have a tranny head coach in fairness. It may have been a bad example. Well, it is because, you know, the NFL is a Neanderthal fucking atmosphere. This is Laverne Cox, your new offensive coordinator.

That's exactly right. You're not going to get much. It's the NFL is the one place where that wouldn't work. It was a great fucking analogy. Listen here, honeys. I'm going to need you to button hook and you're going to post up strong. Double move his ass. You sick cunt. Double move his ass and make your way into that

fucking end zone. I'm going to tattoo your ass from 60 yards out. Let's go to Zach in Oklahoma. Zach, say hi to Big J. Big J, love the show. Nick, I love the show, man. Thank you, man.

Thanks, Zach. Yeah, man, I'm really enjoying it. Nick, I got a question for you. Yeah. When are we going to see you reunite with the great Artie Lang at the compound? And Big Jay, when are you going to do one of Opie's pop-up videos? Thanks, guys. Have a great night.

I'm not avoiding doing the compound. It's just my show starts at 8 at night. You've got to understand. I live fucking 38 miles north of here. I don't want to get in fucking, you know, this probably isn't working. What time do they do their show? 4 to 6. 4 to 6, yeah.

Oh, fuck. It works out perfect. All right, I'll do it next week. I was going to say, I can't do it because it goes right into the bonfire. Yeah, you've got 19 things to do. I could probably get in there. I mean, they text me every now and then. So I'm just, I have to prepare in the afternoon.

I actually do prepare for this shit. I mean, people don't blame me, but look, I have four stories and I'll save it tomorrow since we have a guest. When I don't have a guest, which I usually don't, and I'm fucking yapping, I rip through these fuckers, right? Yeah. Fiori, and it's like, you know, but the call is like a... But no, I fucking, I would love to see Artie again.

Is Artie back on Compound? I think so, isn't he? I think so. I saw him giving somebody the finger the other day online. I don't know if that was an old clip. He's just sitting there. It was like a still photo, but he's like with his sunglasses on. I hope he's okay.

I doubt that. Short, short, short ostent of rehab on record, I think. Yeah. Oh, no. Hey, Matt has a question. Matt from Connecticut for Jay. Go ahead, Matt. Hey, what's up, guys?

What's going on? Yo, Big Jay, did you want to tell, like, maybe five years ago, did you guys do a show where the whole audience was naked yeah yeah we did what really what was that what was that about it was uh it was like a nudist colony that has their meeting at some weird theater here in new york it was on the west side it's about all i can remember about that but anybody under 50 in the audience um yeah a couple i mean the hottest chick i saw was chubby but she was full puss out naked which was pretty impressive but the rest yeah i mean i mean i did it for the pure novelty of like the holy shit this is pretty crazy of course they weren't a fantastic crowd

surprise surprise they didn't have a microphone which was funny so then they made a microphone you could turn like an iphone or something into a microphone for what reason would they need microphone well so we could do a comedy show you mean they didn't have a comedy show they didn't have a microphone for you guys yeah what and we all went out and everybody sat there naked and kind of watched um i wish i could say that i could buy into that that that you know that kind of world the nudism world isn't about something sexual because it is for me when i went to that naked thing i'm gonna go i go hey guys i want to look at your wives tits and pussies and i hope i see them fall with their legs wide open i hope i walk into the wrong room and their head button each

other in the clit like i, I'm okay with all those. That's all that I want from this. I'm doing it. The money was whatever. It was just a matter of, like, I'm going to go look at naked people. But they're always like, no. So you didn't do that for your resume.

They're always like, it's not. You're IMBD. But they always have, like, such a, it's not about that, man. It's about being free and natural and nature. Like, I don't know No it isn't stupid you fucking exhibitionist Shut your fucking stinky hole

Maybe though me and Jeff Me and Jeff Ross were in Australia once And definitely looked like assholes On a beach Went to Bondi Beach And there's these beautiful women just laying there It was just topless And not everyone's topless.

Like a handful of people where you can be. And these young, beautiful chicks with great titties just laying there topless. And like, you know, a 10, 11, 12-year-old, not their kid, just like from another family. Yep. Five feet away from them, like just making sandcastles and not overthinking it. That kid's gay. That kid might be gay because me and Jeff Ross were trying to subtly take pictures of tits. And I'm like, that's the American garbage that we are.

But I approach it differently. I do think it's sexual. If anything involves nudity, I'm like, why wouldn't it be sexual? I know, even in Europe. Yeah. Right? I mean, absolutely. I don't get what Amsterdam approaches That much better

They know everything It's like yeah Live fuck show Like sure I want to go watch that If we're going to do this No I know Well look

We do have those Puritanical roots I guess When do those die out though Jesus Christ I mean You know We got the internet now You can watch a cat

Piss in a woman's mouth Fucking You know what I mean I think we'll pass that That's a good No that's the That's almost the answer to the puritanical thing is it has to go so extreme overboard that's right i'm such a fan

at looking at the extreme i really i i worry that it's like warped my gauge of absolutely they have and i'll give you i had a bit like that they have a hooters in new york city i remember when it first opened and i i had this fucking bit it's like i'm on 57th street 56 and i go really and and that's supposed to impress me a girl in shorts and a tank top in a city where i can go into a booth and pay a quarter to watch a woman lactate into a champagne glass i'm gonna fuck girls giving me chicken wings in a tank top that is a that's almost the basis of what the bonfire is the show is that is that Dan... Is numb to it? No, he's not numb to it. Dan is...

We watched a video the other day of a girl. You saw that video went viral about the girl giving you 10 reasons why you should fuck dogs? Yes. Whitney Wisconsin, her name is. Same girl. Whitney Wisconsin? Same girl. Looks very like a regular girl.

Also has a video of herself in a bathtub getting up like with her ass up in the air and like her head underneath and pisses in her own mouth. And Dan and everybody else in the room was still doing like the like, oh, like closing her eyes from the screen. I was just like, yeah, I was looking. I was like

this is great. What a garbage animal, this chick. This is fantastic. Is she good looking? She's very good looking. She's very cute. Yeah, absolutely. Watch me throw up in my mouth here. No.

Just to make me upset. Oh, you're an animal. Whitney, Wisconsin. Yeah, she's cute. You're not bad. But like a regular looking chick. She's a little Asian. She's an animal. I don't sign off that you should fuck dogs.

My point's being, if you're gonna fuck a dog, I don't have to watch it through my eyes like, you know, I'm watching a murder or something, you know? Like,

I have to look away. If I see a real person getting their head cut off in a video, like, that makes me tilt away for sure. I'm just the opposite. I'm jerking off to that.

You run from this and jerk off to that? Yes. Fair enough. I'm just the opposite. I'm jerking off to that. You run from this and jerk off to that? Yes. That's fair enough. I'm watching this through my fingers. But she is, yeah,

she's fantastic. I wonder what happened to her. Oh, all kinds of shit. Her and her mom share dogs, they say. It's,

the whole thing's a mess. Don't you like to sit down? Matter of fact, that reminds me, we're going to have Dr. Keith Abloh on tomorrow night. Really?

I think so. We're trying, Matt Arese is doing this thing, this fact, that reminds me, we're going to have Dr. Keith Abloh on tomorrow night. I think so. Matt Reese is doing this thing, this podcast, where they analyze, and I think we're going to have him on. Dr. Keith, who I like, by the way. I see him on Fox. He's not one of these soft psychologists. You've got to coddle your kids. He's against all that shit. He fucking grew up

two towns over from me. I think we might get him in here tomorrow night. Matt Arese-Aston. Of course, Matt, my buddy Matt, he'll ask for something like that then I can call him tomorrow, three minutes before showtime. Hey, can we do it on Saturday afternoon? You know. Let's take

another call, Big J. Matt, does that answer your question? Yeah. Alright, thanks, buddy. Sorry, I thought we booted you Yeah. All right. Thanks, buddy. Sorry. I thought we booted you a long time ago. Oh, Jesus. Good question.

Mark in San Diego wants to know if you and I, well, maybe not you and I, but you're an Eagles fan. I'm obviously Pats. I'm a huge Eagles fan. How fucking great is this going to be? It's going to be really fun. What are you doing? I should have you and Christine up to the house. We're going.

God damn it. Me and Bobby Kelly are going to battle it out at the cellar. They're doing a little small thing at the olive tree at the cellar. Is that right? Another thing Robert didn't let me in on. That fucking. No, really? What?

During the game? Yeah, we're going to watch the game up there. We ordered a bunch of food and stuff. Yeah, I wouldn't like that. I'd have to be more reclined by myself. Yeah, I agree. Are you one of those two? Thank you, Mark. Mark, are you there like that. I'd have to be more reclined by myself. Yeah, I agree. Are you one of those, too? It's, it's... Thank you, Mark.

I live 10 blocks. I live 10 blocks from... Hey, what's up, Nick? Hey, you guys have been having me rolling all night. Fucking Big J, Crackle Crackle, motherfucker.

Crackle Crackle, dude. Get back down here. Get back to San Diego, man. We love you, lad. We're out here. I will indeed be back at the American Comedy Factory. Yes.

Yeah, very good, guys. Take it easy. Love the show. All right, Mark. Thank you, man. I'm doing the Japanese Comedy Factory. Yes. Yeah, very good, guys. Take it easy. Love the show. All right, Mark. Thank you, man. I'm doing the Japanese Comedy Factory. It pays a lot more. But it's all yen.

It's all yen. I'm super excited. I had to watch. You have to be thrilled. I watched the conference championship on that boat. Actually, the day we got on the boat, it was playing on that. See, now it's a nice day. That was pretty cool.

Right? It was really cool because there's a we got on the boat it was playing let's see now it's a nice day that was pretty cool right it was really cool because uh there's a sports bar on the boat and they like played it and there was a bunch of eagles fan everybody wore their jerseys and came to the sports bar and watched it on the cruise ship so it was pretty neat the eagles fans were everywhere and i lived in la there was a fun i lived on venice beach the was the closest bar with it was all philly bar really Really? Yeah. Watching. I saw the Chargers play the Eagles this year in LA. Did you really? It was a 90% Eagles audience.

Oh, yeah. I felt bad for the Chargers. I know. You can hear the. I mean, when they get first downs, they start booing. Like the crowd booed in a home stadium. Like, that's a Chargers first down. Boo.

It just rained down. I started feeling like, no, we're supposed to be kind of the outcasts right right but i don't know are you worried as a chart as a as a patriots fan at all yeah the fucking eagles look i've watched a lot of football and they were a well-rounded team but yeah i'm praying the pats just once can you have a couple touchdown lead at halftime just Just let me relax on this one. It makes it almost uncomfortable. And Carson Wentz, I mean, this might be a blessing that motherfucker's not playing. Because, boy, he was scary good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Although Falls, I mean, really stepped it up. Yeah, they might. It's going to be a good game. They may have gone into favorites, possibly. Well, their youth, they wouldn't have. But it might have been like a two-point spread. What, with Wentz? If Carson Wentz was playing.

Yeah. Because they were putting up like average 36 points a game. It's going to be a- It's going to be a fun one, for sure. But I was going to say, I only live a 10-minute walk from the cellar, even. So when Bobby invited me to do this thing, I was like, yeah, I'll go. But me, I was like, yeah, I got my Sonos in my house now. I just want to sit on my couch And watch it on my bed

I've built my apartment For this moment Literally And I was like How do I say no to that though Just me and Bobby Arguing all night That'll be fun

No it'll be fucking great So do you have to run Yeah yeah yeah You've done enough of this shit Yeah go see Big Jay He's gonna be at the Cap City Comedy Club In Austin, Texas

February 1 through 3. For all his tickets, go to bigjcomedy.com. Hit him up at Big J. Oakerson. Dude, you're great on the radio. You're a funny motherfucker. And thank you for having me on your show. Thank you, Nick. I love you, man.

This was awesome. Yeah. Please, please. I'll come back again soon. Could you please? Absolutely, yeah. All right. We're going to go to break and we'll be back and talk some politics and piss off some fags.

All right, back at it. The Nick DiPaolo Show will return in a few minutes. To catch Nick on the road, check out nickdip.com for info and tour dates.