The Nick DiPaolo Show - 217 - Colin Quinn

Episode Date: February 6, 2018

Colin Quinn

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, Riot evening, everybody. It's a Monday. What else? It's Monday every goddamn day, isn't it? Then you just wake up and again, my gig's not till 8 at night, but waking up at 8 in the morning going, oh, for Christ's sake. 12 hours till showtime. What do I do in that 12 hours? A little thing called latinohousewives.org.

What's going on, folks? How are you? Hey, the great Colin Quinn will be joining us in the second hour. You can see Colin, his new show, One in Every Crowd, February 8th through 10th at the Comedy Works in Denver. And he's doing theaters all over the place, too. This guy, seriously, makes James Brown look like Jeb Bush with the energy. That's a pretty good one off the top of my fucking head for a Monday, let me tell you. He is.

He's all over the sky. And when he's not doing it, he comes off the road, then goes down to the fat black pussycat, works on it. He's like Schwarzenegger in Pumping Iron when he was 11. This fucking guy's got a work ethic. Makes me see the goddamn Irish. They're either drunk, so they work their balls off, or both. You ever see an Irish guy in a forklift doing donuts for like 40 minutes at 38 dollars an hour head to colinquinn.com for tickets and shot glasses what no uh tour dates and info and be sure to follow him on twitter at I am Colin Quinn.

And let me tell you about Quinn and Twitter. If there's anybody going to follow him, he figured it out before fucking the guys who invented Twitter figured it out. He puts out annoying... He figured it out. He goes, I can prove how stupid the average person is just by... He's a troll.

He's a fucking... He figured out trolling before trolling was even a term. Am I right? He'll put out something like, I'm guessing the Super Bowl is going to be pretty exciting. There's a lot of good players on the field. And just watch people fucking snap for the next three. So, we got him from 9 to 10. Obviously, you know, from SN snl we can update and of course tough crowd with colin quinn not to mention a bunch of other products and that you guys have

never seen they never made never saw the light of day cop show cop show okay it was an online series which is another way of the industry to fucking jerk you off and make you work 18 hours a day and not pay you. That thing was funnier than Andy, what's his name? Sandberg? What's that stupid show he does on Fox? 9-11? Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Yeah, Brooklyn Nine-Nine fucking unfunny.

Brutal. Okay, brutal. But he's still, you know. This cop show thing, do you ever see it, Brendan? Online cop show? I have not, no. Do yourself a favor. And I'm not just saying it because I know, Quinn, you want to laugh your balls off.

Sure, sure. I'm telling you. I almost had a hashtag me too moment on the set. You guys, I'm working to you. On the set of what? Cop show. I'm working to you. On the set of Cop Show, there was a scene where there was a dead hooker or maybe just an attractive girl in the bed.

There was blood all over the walls and shit. Of course, I said, this looks like a tampon commercial going bad. You know, and everybody's cracking up and a couple of girls are nervous and shit. I mean, this is back in the day when you could say shit like that, like 12 months ago. Excuse me, I have phlegm because I smoked seven cigarettes today before noontime. It's amazing what tension will do. Can't wait for Quinn to get in here so I can punch him right in his skinny ribs. The guy is one of the best.

And if you don't like his comedy, seriously, I use it as a barometer. You don't like comedy. I say that about him and who else? That's right, Soupy Sales. 866-969-1969. 866-9-goddamn-69-1969. Why the anger during the number? Well, I'm a fucking Patriots fan, so go fuck yourselves.

69. Why the anger during the number? Well, I'm a fucking Patriots fan, so go fuck yourselves. Next week, which means this week, again, it's crack staff, Andy Fiore putting that together. That will be this week. Bobby V's on Saturday night, Windsor Lock, Connecticut. What are you doing?

This copy last week's copy? You're such a mama Luke. February 23rd and 24th, I'll be at Governor's, Levittown, New York. March 3rd, Uncle Vinny's Point Pleasant, New Jersey. March 9th and 10th, Sidesplitters, Tampa, Florida. Go to nickdip.com for ticket information.

And Twitter, again, lick my white European balls for keeping me at the same number for the last fucking month. Seriously. I know what you're doing. I used to add 10 a day

without even trying. You motherless fucks. You didn't like, and I'm going to keep saying this, just fucking delete my account, you fucks. Do it. Dorsey.

And you other high-tech fucking goo goblers. Fucking elitist assholes. Anybody see the fucking T-Mobile commercial? Thanks for the morals lecture. Now why don't you lick my white European bag? When I say white, I mean there's some white pubes on it.

It's not a... Hey, my sister did like Ancestry.com. I'm as much British as I am fucking Italian. So what do you think of that? I wish Patrice was alive. I'd throw that in his face. You ain't fucking white, man. What the fuck?

I got more British in me. On my mother's side, apparently. I'm not proud of that. I'd rather be a Ginzaloon. 866-969-1969, the phone number. Fiore threw me this story. I might even save it about Doritos. It's pretty funny.

Let's get right to it, folks. I don't feel good today. I have a fucking, I have a hangover from the Super Bowl. I'm blue, I've got the real shine on me. I love it. Shine on me. I love you. Shine on me. Off play action. Going for it all into the end zone.

And it is caught. Alshon Jeffrey for the touchdown. Yeah, terrific. You know, and this is a beef. Bill Belichick, supposedly a defensive genius. That's how he made his name. At Cleveland and at the Giants. Defensive genius.

And I've been making this argument for a few years now, way before this Super Bowl yesterday. He never gives Brady the fucking defense he deserves. When's the last time, even when Bruschi was there and Ty Law, that was the last good defense I can remember. Since then, Brady's had to put up 48 points a game. Seriously. And the Malcolm Butler thing, not that I would have made it.

By the way, kudos to the Eagles. That's a sports town. I don't give a... And I like that they flipped a few cars and lit a few fires. That's Philadelphia. And you know what? I mean, that's a football town for the most part. And seriously, like i said

i'm 56 years old i've experienced first half of my life so much bad patriarchy and and that i'm fulfilled with so i don't care it bothered me last night for about an hour and uh actually kind of you know yay for the fucking football town. But I'm just pissed. If that defense showed up for fucking two quarters, Brady threw for 505 yards. I'm reading the articles today. Hey, Mr. Costello, Brian Costello, you're right for the post. Why don't you grow the fuck up?

Your hatred of Tom Brady and the Pats makes me sick. I have to read one time how Foles out-dueled. No, he didn't. Brady threw for about 130 yards more than he did. So stop it with that nonsense. But Jesus Christ, give Tom Brady the defense

that he deserves. Why aren't the phones lighting up at this point? Brendan, is the thing plugged in? The phone machine? 866-969-1969. But you got to give props. That's a football town, Philly.

A great sports town. And seriously, there's worse towns to lose to. If I lost to San Diego or anything in California, I would have fucking, you know, Kaepernick, something like that. But I'm still, you know, it still didn't sit well. I actually had a Brady football jersey that somebody gave me. This is this Asian kid that hangs out. No, it wasn't. I'm sorry.

I'm not saying this guy was Middle Eastern. Actually, a Muslim. He works with my sister at the hospital in Massachusetts. And he went to some fake Chinese website and got me, you know, they make these like NFL, like official jersey, you can get them for like $20.

He gave me a Brady one. I've never worn a quarterback's number on a t-shirt. You know, I played defense in high school and, you know, whatever. I fucking, even, you know, I played offense too, but quarterbacks were always fags.

Except for Brady. They'd give him a handjob tonight if he walked in here. But it would have been a blowjob about a week ago. No, I mean, the guy puts up five. But Foles, I mean, come on. You got to be, you got to give them their props, do you not? I think you do. But the Malcolm Butler thing, I wanted to get to that real quickly.

Malcolm Butler was the hero against Seattle in that Super Bowl a couple years ago. And he's a great cornerback. I mean, you know, but he was in the doghouse all year. I don't know if he asked for more money or whatever. But here's the thing. He didn't play a snap, right? He played 98% of the snaps during the regular season. Do you realize that? Didn't play a snap yesterday. regular season do you realize that didn't play a snap yesterday and then i read in an article and they just threw it in there like and they just mentioned it in passing they said he was a day late getting to the super bowl in minneapolis because of a hospital situation i don't know you can interpret that a million ways was he in the hospital did he have the flu was his mother dying did his dog? Whatever. Let me tell you something about Bill Belichick. Even if it was Malcolm Butler's mother dying on an operating table, if the Super Bowl is not your priority that day or the day before that,

whatever, one day late, you're not fucking playing. It was just mentioned in the article, like, in passing, and it jumped out at me because Belichick, do you remember? Wes Welker. Wes Welker made a joke about Rex Ryan infatuation with feet. Yeah, next thing you know, Welker was on his way out. So I'm telling you. And I think we could have used Malcolm Butler yesterday. That guy, Roe, did all right, but he got burned for a few. And I guess it was an entertaining Super Bowl. But I, being a selfish bastard that I am, I said to my wife, I'm not going to be happy unless we're up by three touchdowns at halftime. I don't need another nail-biter, okay? And me and my brother-in-law argued against a bunch of other-in-law Argued against a bunch of other guys In the room

Probably a month and a half ago About the Patriots defense Not It's gonna let them down in the end And they fucking sure did Anyways Our father who art in heaven At Gillette Stadium

Oh those goddamn Eagles But they did it right after the game. They torched a few cars and... Fucking... You see the guy... You see him standing on the canopy at the Ritz? Who would have guessed that caved in? I saw a clip online a couple years ago

of about 150 Israelis at a wedding in Israel and a dance floor caved in at a hotel. So who the fuck would have... Who would have thought canopy couldn't hold a bunch of fucking cheesesteak eating did i mention colin quinn coming in later i gotta stop with the cigarettes man it freezes up and you anyways uh i play the alfred jeffries touchdown now that that's when i knew things and that was uh that was early in the game that was like on the second corner i was

like oh that kind of made me and then midway through the third quarter, and I don't want to bust your chops. Again, I gave you eagles, your props, but that was not a catch in the third quarter. That ball was loose in the guy's hand going out of the back of the end zone. And don't look at me with any, I'll argue to you, blue in the face. If you've been watching football all year,

if it moves one cunt hair, it's been called incomplete. Guy was juggling like he was an epileptic with a fucking please and you know why and you know why the refs went both ways against the pats and here's my theory on this and again if you don't like it you're not following sports there's been all this talk this year about how the referees in the big games, the close calls, favor the Patriots. They wanted to break that reputation, and they did. It's like a coach bullying.

You know, you watch a basketball game, there's a coach all over the referees for certain calls, and then the calls start going. They get into the refs' heads. I'm telling you, that's what happened there. Not that it made a difference. I'm not taking anything with... Like in Eagles ruling, you don't think that would happen, Fury? I don't like that look.

You look like fucking Meathead after Archie made a good statement. That's what that was. That was a case of America going, oh, the Pats get all the calls, Goodell's in cahoots. Excuse me. And that was not, that ball was, but that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. That Peterson did a great job. That called out on the goal line, that little fleet flicker.

I mean, that was ballsy. But you, they're going, what courage? I'm going, what are you talking about? What courage? It's early in the game. It's the patch. You better put up some points. Chris, what's his name that does the color commentary?

Collinsworth. God, why can't I think of that? I was going to say Christofferson. Chris, what's his name that does the color commentary? Collinsworth. God, why can't I think of that? I was going to say Christofferson. What is going on with my goddamn Advil PM? It's making me a fucking moron. What else did I want to mention real quickly about the game? Oh, how about 1,151 total yards? Not only a record for the super bowl or playoffs but a regular season in an nfl game did you realize that pure i did not how about brady going 28 of 48 if

his defense showed up for five minutes he could have won the goddamn game 505 yards Three touchdowns. Yeah, he should retire because he's 40. Hey, lick it. And Falls was terrific. 28-43. 373. That's embarrassing, Patriots defense. I was all upset about Patricia leaving, but I don't think it's his fault. I think, you know.

So, yeah. When that Alshon Jeffrey made that touchdown catch at the end of the first quarter I knew I was like, ooh, I don't like that That's what I saw during the regular season But both defenses stunk, did they not? Brady was just throwing it up the Amendola's

Like he almost had to call a fair catch on one It was ridiculous, wasn't it? Very entertaining for the average moron who doesn't like to see any defense. I agree. But Tom Brady

deserves a fucking defense. You are correct, sir. I know I am. Let's go to Matt in Ohio, a state that knows

football at the high school level. How are you, Matt? How's it going, Nick? What's going on, Bill? Wanted to put in a call as a, obviously, very non-biased party. Unfortunately, I'm a Browns fan. We'll never be in the Super Bowl, so kind of just sharing my thoughts on it.

You forgot about the goddamn Browns. I want to see Cleveland in this, by the way. I mean, Cleveland is the NFL. Paul Brown, all that shit back in the day i mean we we gotta get you guys gotta do something have your own to sell coke to kids whatever crack cocaine go ahead i'm hoping so at some point but it's just some of this uh some of the internet memes and commentary around brady just kind of makes me laugh people saying that you know patriots lost the game because of Brady, which is complete shit. I mean, 500 yards, the guy didn't throw an interception.

He looked great all game. If anybody lost that game, it was single-handedly Bill Belichick not putting a defense around the best quarterback they were touching. Thank you very much. I feel the same way. Let me just interject here man i'll let you go on but they kept saying how the pats defense made a turnaround after week four that you know the statistics got better now they're like fourth giving up a second giving up point you know why that is they were never on the field the fucking brady offense seriously somebody wrote a great article about it. Broke it down.

They were never on the field all season, thanks to Brady doing his 11-minute drives. So you make a good point. No, I agree. And when you really stop to think about it, it is impressive how well Foles played, but let's be honest. Brady threw up more yards and more numbers against a better defense than Foles did,

which is to be expected. People tend to forget that the Eagles' defense is pretty damn good. Look, anybody that was bad-mouthing Tom Brady's performance yesterday was probably a backup dance of a Justin Timberlake. Absolutely agree. I think you get my drift. All right, Matt, thank you for the call. Thanks, Nick.

Appreciate it. Ohio right, Matt. Thank you for the call. Thanks, Nick. Appreciate it. Ohio knows this shit. Let's go to Mike in Boston. Mikey in Boston, my hometown. Mike, your thoughts on the game? Hey, Nick. What's going on? Not too much.

I agree with the Butler thing. with the Butler thing, I had heard that he had also missed two curfews along with the late thing. So obviously, even if it was his mother, he missed two curfews.

Wait a minute, Mike. Now, hold on. Hold on, Mike. Two curfews when? During the season or during Super Bowl week? No, during the Super Bowl. Super Bowl week.

Wait, but... Okay, so that... But that would eliminate my theory of him getting down there a day late. Yeah, no. I heard a day late and two curfew misses. So, yeah, basically three strikes.

Oh, my God. Once again, we have black lifestyle versus white. Seriously. That's what it comes down to. Fucking culture. Take your job seriously. Yeah, you know how that works. It's always worked that way with Belichick. Good for

Belichick. I hope that's true, Mike. I hope. I swear to God. I'm on Belichick's side a thousand percent. Yeah, no. Supposedly somebody who was at the game last night was next to Dion Lewis's wife and she said that. I swear to God. Nick, I swear to God.

Who was it? OB from Southie? Who was next? I know. Nick, I swear to God. Who was it? OB from Southie? Who was next? I know. Oh, that's good. That's what they had said. But in addition to that, Roe played like shit. Yeah, the defense sucked all year.

Yes. It wasn't a surprise. People predicted a 30-something, a 30-something game, and it worked out. Our quarterback didn't catch as good as their quarterback, even though he was drafted as a catcher. Yeah, it was just, I also applaud the Eagles fans. You know, Belichick's staying by his roots, by his things, and he didn't, he said, screw you, you're not playing.

No, and it wouldn't have made it. Look, he played 98% of the snap, but Butler got burned a few times during the season at the beginning. And I'm a Butler fan, by the way. He plays with a lot of heart and shit. But let me tell you something. I just love that man. You can't argue.

How can you argue with Belichick's philosophy or the Patriots' philosophy up to this point? You really can't. You're late for a couple meetings. You're not fucking playing. You're lucky if you... No. And then one other thing, just unlike the whole game, but the first drive they throw like eight times and they get

down the goal line. Second down, they run. They get stuffed and then they throw. They don't complete it. They settle for a field goal. It's like, stick with what works. Well, no, and I understand that. It's a little predictable. I agree. On that, you know, on the second down, the third down, when they run, it really is to, no, and I understand that. It's a little predictable. I agree. On that, you know, on the second down, the third down, when they run, it really is to, again, that's

a purpose run to set up your pass. But everybody does that, so that's predictable now. You know what I mean? That off-tackle run on fucking third down, I always go, here it comes. They're going to run off-tackle. Are the defenses in play, is that stupid in the NFL?

They don't know that that's a setup for the fuck i don't know all right my good call thanks buddy take it easy jimmy in manhattan you son of a bitch how you doing jimmy i miss you man you were brilliant in cop show by the way i i'll tell you i fucking well i was a cop for four years in high school. With the brownie beret? That's right, the green beret. That's right. I just want to watch you write your biography, that's all.

No, I just missed you. You know what I thought about the game? I had to listen to it because I had to work last night, but that catch in question, I was listening to the Philly broadcast on Sirius, and even the guy was trying to say it was a catch, but the way he was explaining it, you know, he was bullshitting. He was what? He was like bullshitting.

That catch, that bumbled up catch that Philly guy made. I think it was the fourth quarter. Yeah, the ball. Oh, which one are you talking about? The ball that was at the end of the. If you're talking about the guy that was going out of the. Oh, you're talking about. You're talking about Hertz.

Yeah. The tight end. The Hertz catch. Yeah. I didn't. Honestly, I didn't know how to roll that one either. I didn't get mad. Even as a Pats fan, I go, whatever.

He stayed with it. Go ahead. Wait, let's get B.R.E. in here. Giants fan. Because they set the precedent against Pittsburgh that that very play, after it broke the plane, and the crowd chose him. It was not a catch. It just goes to show they don't know what they're doing.

They don't know how to call it consistently. And then they go, he's a runner at this point. Right. When did that come into play? They're making it up as they go along. Yeah, they are, actually. So, uh... And I've solved

the catch thing ten times over on this show, many times. You go back to what it was in the 70s. Guy's got his hand around the ball.

One potato, two potato. It's a fucking catch. I don't care where his feet are. If they're on the ground, in the air, look up the definition of possession.

It's nine-tenths of the law for Christ's sake. All right, Jimmy, thanks. I've got to take a break and take a dump. All right. Maybe we'll take one more. Keith in Long Island,

your thoughts? He's a Giants fan, but I'm sure you felt like most New Yorkers you hate Philly, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely. You know,

I couldn't believe it. I mean, this guy Foles can win the Super Bowl and catch a ball for a touchdown on that flea-flicking play. Well, Jesus, let's not make it. People make it out to be a great catch. And Brady, he didn't drop the ball, and his hand was injured, you know. I know. Listen, I was shocked.

I mean, Brady's the greatest quarterback of all time. And this whole thing with not playing Butler, there's got to be a lot more to it. Because you know what? If he's missing meetings during the week of the Super Bowl, if I'm the owner, I'll be like, I don't care. Get this guy in there. We need to win. That's it. You know?

That's not how it works in the Patriot way, Keith. Really? Yeah, really. Maybe you noticed the five rings on Brady's fingers. We do shit the right way. Everyone's always in line, but if you have a good player... Ah, no, no. They ain't fucking...

You sound like a fucking millennial. You don't change your philosophy of life. Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm looking to make money and stuff like that. I'm a capitalist. I am no millennial. No, a millennial doesn't have nothing to do with not making money. I thought you were make money and stuff like that. I'm a capitalist. I am no millennial. No, millennial doesn't have nothing to do with not making money. I thought you were a young kid.

That's what I was saying. No, man. No. All right. No, you got to. I'm just saying that, you know, if you're trying to win a game, you know, if you have your assholes and your idiots on the team that act up and shit like that. But you don't, Keith.

Take you to the Super Bowl. Keith, you're sounding shit like that. But you don't, Keith. Keith, you're sounding like a... Keith, you're sounding... I've got to be honest with you. You have no idea the Patriot way. If you're an asshole or a clown, even if you're the greatest player on the team, you don't fucking play in New England. And that's how it goes.

That didn't cost them the game, by the way. Butler's a good cornerback and shit. I mean, it was a really close game. And I was saying, I was talking to my friends, too. I was like, no, the Patriots are going to pull this out. Philly's going to make a mistake and the Patriots are going to capitalize

and it's going to turn in the second half and unfortunately it didn't happen. I couldn't believe it. I was like... I was like, you know, and it was hard enough

to watch the fucking game with the fucking goddamn political commercial. Ah, please. I fucking, I mute them. I fucking, you know,

I noticed that when I was 11 years old. Thank you for the call, Kate. I flipped, I mute them. I fucking, you know, I noticed that when I was 11 years old. Thank you for the call, Kate. I flipped to the porn channel doing the, you know. All right. Go back to the game. Take it easy.

All right, take care. Uh, yeah. Those commercials are just, that fucking, the one that I actually unmuted was the T-Mobile thing, and I almost flipped to my recliner.

I leaned back, fucking, I grabbed my dog by the throat. It's flipped in my recliner. I leaned back, fucking... I grabbed my dog by the throat. It's in the hospital right now. I took it out on a fucking... bull mastiff. No matter what your skin color, we don't care where you...

Suck a bag of fucking cheese. T-Mobile. I would not use your product. Boy, it was fun watching why do you look like a dope in every commercial. It's just... It's the globalist thing. It really... T-Mobile. I would not use your product. Boy, it was fun watching Why Do You Look Like a Dope in every commercial. It's just, it's the globalist thing.

It really, take away TV, they don't have a fight. The phones are fucking lit up. This is why I hate to go into sports on the top of the show. It turns into Mike and the Mad Dog. But,

there's so many up there. I'll take a few more. I'm going to take like two or three more when we come back. But I want to get into other stuff. Like what? Well, how about an NFL Colts linebacker killed by a twice-deported illegal alien?

Yeah, but let's bring back those sanctuary cities. Yeah, but Indianapolis isn't a sanctuary. Not the point. Goddamn marble lights. Imagine what the Reds do to your lungs. Anyways, I'll take a few more calls You know, about the Super Bowl But yeah, a twice-supported illegal alien

Kills Edwin Jackson, linebacker And the guy, you know, helping him And we also got Adam Schiff The guy who I'm gonna punch in the face If I ever see him in person You know, the little pencil-neck geek Who looks like Charles Grodin When he was 12?

The guy that thinks that fucking Trump is colluding with Russia still, this guy? He was on the Sunday morning shows making an ass of himself. And I also have

a couple other things. Gender-bending chemicals found in plastics, which explains why I have a clit on my forehead. Back after this. You're listening to The Nick DiPaolo Show on Faction Talk Sirius XM 103.

Day after day I'm more confused Yet I look for the light through the pouring rain You know that's a game that I hate to lose And I'm feeling the strain And now, Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. I want to get lost in your rock and roll that you drift away. And now, back to the Nick DiPaolo Show on SiriusXM, Faction Talk 103. Oh, yeah. That's quite a song. I love that song. I always love Uncle Cracker.

Speaking of Uncle Cracker, Colin Quinn's with us. Final segment on a Monday. Go see him at the Comedy Works in Denver, which is probably one of the best clubs in the country, no doubt about it. It was ruined for me by a bunch of chicks who were about, I'd say, 5'4", 360 on average,

and they yelled shit out. I had the nerve to go after their frame and their bmi and i was kicked to the curb by the bitch that ran that place but he'll be there february 8th through 10th and uh go to colinquinn.com for tickets he's also selling colin quinn shot glasses which i was surprised this guy hasn't touched alcohol in 100 years and uh on twitter at i am colin quinn and there, and there's no funny Twitter account. He figured it out before the guys who invented Twitter. I mean, just, you were the first troll, is what you were.

Well, yeah, I guess. I guess. What do you mean, you guess? Before the troll was invented, you- No, it's true. I really believe that. People were taking me, people were very angry. It was more fun when people were threatening me at the time, you know.

But now everybody caught on. That's the only problem. Only a guy from Brooklyn would say that. It's a fun one. They were threatening me. Let's go to a regular caller. He's actually, I'd have to say, one of the top three stars as far as callers go. Nathan from Connecticut.

I know this guy. He'd like to talk to the great Colin Quinn. Say hi to Colin, Nathan. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Hello, Colin. Wow, this is truly, I must say, an honor to speak to you.

Well, thank you, but I feel like you've, I mean, I've listened to you on the show before. I feel like you're now, you're overdoing it a little bit. You're taking it up a notch. Now it's becoming a caricature.

Nick called me a star and I have not been a notch. Now it's becoming a caricature. Nick called me a star, and I have not been a star. It's gone to your head, yes. I was employee of the month in September of last year. Doing a little writing before the show, maybe? Colin, this is terrific. A man like you, I mean, I had to look you up to some of your credits.

Sure. Tough crowd. I've never seen that show, but that was a wonderful show. Thank you. I know that comes from the heart. No, it does. I've never seen it, but it's a wonderful show. My dad and I love old movies.

We watched a movie called Concrete Jungle. Do you know it? Oh, sure I do. That's where Rock Around the Clock, the first time I ever played that, was in Concrete Jungle. Just for that reason, I don't like it. Yeah. Bill Haley and the Comets. To me, it's interesting because you kind of have a...

It's called the asphalt jungle, though. Oh, asphalt. John Ford. No, no, no, sir. This is the one with Sidney Poitier. Oh, that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that one.

I know the one with Bob Denver. Go ahead. John Ford was the teacher, and Sidney Poitier was the thug student. Oh, I was referring to... Glenn Ford. Glenn Ford and Sidney Poitier. the thug student. Oh, I was referring to... Glenn Ford. Glenn Ford and Sidney Poitier. Yes, yes. Gerald Ford.

And you remind me of Glenn Ford a little bit. Thank you. Tough crowd. Diane Ford was in there. Nick was the hoodlum that you were trying to keep from doing. That's funny, yeah. I can see what you're saying. But it was terrific.

And do you ever perform with Nick, maybe, on his tour? We have performed together. We might, you know, I was thinking eventually if we decide to do bigger venues, we would perform together, yes. I could see that.

We've done it before. It always works out good when we perform on the road together. Would you be able to possibly bring in Jeff Dunham, the famous ventriloquist, because my dad and I love him as well. Oh, geez, you really,

you got to keep it subtle. This is, you can't go too big. We don't buy it. Well, sir, I appreciate that. The reason I wrote that earlier, because I'll tell you why, because I tried to have bullet points. I understand what I call up. Jeff Dunham.

Well, the reason I say that is because, sir, you and you remind me of maybe a younger version of Walter, his puppet brother. And that said, sir, with much respect to you, and speaking to you is like speaking to me. All right, thank God. See, that's the problem. Mickey Mantle. All right. Nathan, thank you for calling, buddy.

You've got to keep it subtle. Thank you, Nick. You've got it, man. I'm not sure what that means, but I will try. Okay. It means you don't, come on, do a bit of a character. You know why I'm laughing? Because my wife said I felt like he was doing a character last week

That's what my wife said Yeah Fame has gotten to him Anthony I mean He's sitting all day He's clearing He buys lozenges before he goes and makes the call

Doesn't he sound like Sam Greenfield though? He did when he Remember? I when I see him on the show. But now he's, I'm telling you, he's almost like Reagan. I'm laughing because I knew. I knew you were going to pick it up. He's chewing up the scenery. He's chewing up the, that's lingo. That's showbiz lingo.

Chewing up the scenery. He's like this. He's taking 10 minutes. It's like, come on. He's chewing up the scenery He's like this He's taking ten minutes He's like come on He's chewing up the scenery You know And I just gotta say that Roman Polanski I thought

He's Didn't he say that About somebody Remember I described My underwear I had a couple of them For you Oh yeah

After the operation Oh yes I said they look like Sharon Tate's Throat pillows Why'd I pull that them for you after the operation. Oh, yes. I said they look like Sharon Tate's throw pillows. Why did I pull that out of nowhere? I don't know.

I know what Quinn likes. Anthony in Dublin has a request for Colin. Anthony. What? Evening, Nick, and hello, Colin. Hello, Anthony. Dublin. You know, I think comedy's getting a

bit tame. Now, I went to see one of my favourites, and it just shows that something like Tough Crowd, where you can speak freely and not be worried about Twitter rage, and I think that's important. Like, it was a 5,000 set-out show, main arena here,

and I thought the guy was being a little bit careful. It was still a good show, but it wasn't as good as his earlier stuff at all. Who? Jim Jefferies. Oh, Jim. I don't get it. Sorry. Like at all. Who? Jim Jeffries. Oh, Jim. I don't get it. Sorry.

It was like he was being safe. He is safe. He is safe. He makes fun of people on the right. You understand? He's a lefty in the United States. There's nothing edgy about that. Political correctness comes from the left.

He's coming from a safe place. And it just, fuck, I don't get it. I would like to like that guy. But there's nothing dangerous about his drinking stories. George Carlin said he never thought he'd see the day when the censorship came from the left, before he died. Carlin said that? Yeah, well, he's

to blame, some of it. Right, Anthony? Well, I thought he was being safe with his filthy stuff, even. Like, try not to offend women or anything he was being... Oh, I see. Oh, that's a new thing now, yeah. Okay, then you know what? He has no balls filthy stuff even. Like, try not to offend women or anything he's been doing. Oh, I see. Oh, that's a new thing now. Yeah, it is. Oh, yeah.

Okay, then you know what? He has no balls as a comedian because I thrive to offend fucking women. I think I actually hate him. It's been said of me. I don't buy it. We should go to Dublin and do a show.

Thank you, Anthony. We should do a show. 5,000 seats, 60 quid, 60 quid euros to take it. Listen, don't make us angry. I did a show in Dublin. I was there

the last three months ago at that park at the Vodafone Comedy Festival. Anthony? Do you know what? It's my own fault

I'm not following things on Twitter. I only recently got on that book. I've missed loads. I only heard Bill Burr was here when he was actually going on stage. I was in the car.

That's when I heard about it. Well, you think me and Nick would sell well over there? I think yeah and Doug Stanhope said last week a show with Nick

himself yourself Joey Diaz that'd be just fantastic like there's too much safety in comedy first of all we don't like you booking

why'd you book Joey and Doug trying to chop up my money already it was on the show last week I understand but I don't know

why you had to book him I'm booking this show I said me and Nick and you're like yeah don't know why you had to book him. I'm booking this show. I said, me and Nick. And you're like, yeah, Joey, Doug. What are you trying to... He's trying to crowd up the room. I want that money. I want that 5,000 quid or whatever the hell it was.

Well, 5,000 seats at 60 euros a pop. It's sold out. 5,000 seats? I'd fill the first row. You guys would have to fill the rest. 5,000 seats? I'd fill the first row. You guys would have to fill the rest. 5,000 seats? Jesus Christ. We may have to get Daryl Bryan to headline.

He's not even that good, but he can fill a place that size as well. Sure he can. What the fuck? Somebody teach me how to fill a 5,000 seat room. Seriously. I think Anthony's just calling to torture us. Yeah, thank you, Anthony. Bit of call.

Nice talk. Yeah, break it up. Listen, you bastards. torture us. Yeah, thank you, Anthony, but a call. You break it up. Listen, you bastard. Fuck it. 5,000 seats. For fuck's sake. Jesus H. Christ. I'll be at fucking Bobby V's this weekend.

That's not even 5,000 square feet. The fuck, you. Get this through your head, you. Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker, you. I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore. 5,000 seats. Come on. Give me 1,500. I'm pretty impressed that you get calls from Dublin like that.

You should be. This is an international show. I see that. I got another guy from Poland. I'll be calling in a few minutes. I know. I know the guy. The regular. Hey, listen. He's an international show. I see that. I got another guy from Poland. I'll be calling in a few minutes. I know. I know the guy. The regular.

Hey, listen. He's up in Albany. All jokes aside with Anthony, though, we should go to Dublin. I mean. You should. Nobody knows me over there. What do you mean? You got the radio show.

We'll promote it for three weeks. Okay. We got one guy to come. Anthony will spread the word. Bring your family, Anthony. Well, then again, you're right. Irish. You might bring 400 people.

Yeah. That's a good parent. I love how you called fucking Nathan. He's laying it on a little too heavy. Oh, you're the best guy to put on for that. Because I know the show. That's why. Let's go to a female named Lou from Pennsylvania.

She has a question about tough crap. You know. Hi, Lou. Go ahead, Lou. Hi, guys. How are you? How are you? Pretty good.

What are you, on a CB radio? Come on. No, I'm on my phone. Is it good? Go ahead. It's all right now. I know you talk about Tough Crowd and everyone wants it back and loves it, but if you did it today, if you could do it today,

what comedians would you have on? Would you put new ones on? Janine Garoppolo. I'd tell you who I wouldn't put on. Chip Chipperson. Oh, come on. There's no way Chip would be on that show, I'm telling you right now. So you don't

want success? He would not be welcomed in the building. I'd do what the security guards did to Kevin Hart last night. I would have them do the chair. Strong arm and that out of there. I didn't see how that... I mean, there's so many comedians now. Tough Crowd actually would be something to watch

because there's so many more than there was when we were doing it. I mean, there's thousands and thousands. Who would be on that show that would be able to do that? Most people are PC, you know what I mean? Yeah, but I mean, you know, once people get in the right atmosphere, they would let it fly

even accidentally. And remember the rules we had. The rules we had on Tough Crowd. No applause from the audience. I didn't get applause when I came out. I said, no applause. No applause from the audience. So you can't go for applause. You either went for laughter or you got silence.

That's one of the most important rules that comedy needs. There you go. You're laughing or you're not. Can you imagine anybody else thinking of that? No applause. So I think that would really, it changes the comedians. Because suddenly they're like, oh, I'm not going to get applause for saying this. So they're just trying to be funny. And back to the original nature.

And I think I still follow that rule. I took it to such a high level. No, even on stage at comedy because I haven't got applause in years. You and Patrice never got applause. You guys were just out there. But I'm just saying everybody got into the mindset, no applause. We're going for laughs. I'm just saying even on comedy the mindset, no applause. We're going for laughs. I'm just saying, even on comedy clubs, now I get introduced, there's no applause.

That's not true. I'm seeing you. You can get applause. Anything else, Lou? No. I love your show. I love you guys. Have a nice night. Did you love me in Valley Forge? Oh, she jumped. Oh, Jesus. That's what we do. We don't let them linger. I know. You give them too much air time, they turn into Nathan. Oh, did jumped. Oh, Jesus. That's what we do. We don't let them linger.

I know. You give them too much air time, they turn into Nathan. Oh, did you have to let it, speaking of Dublin, what about poor girl Dolores O'Riordan? I wish I could understand any of that. Translator? What the fuck was that? I know a guy who should have that. This is rape.

This is rape. This is rape. Whoa. You should have that guy on. Aaron Glazer. 30 years old, of Long Island. Up-and-coming comic whose career was shredded when the influential improv group

Upright Citizens Brigade booted him over rape allegations, now suing the troop, claiming reverse gender discrimination. Aaron Glazer, 30, of Long Island, says in his Manhattan federal suit that the UCB should be stripped of the federal money. I didn't know the UCB got federal money. Received as part of a small business loan for believing in, quote, hollow and wrongful allegations of sexual misconduct because of its prejudice against men. I haven't met this guy, and I'm with him.

Well. Okay, I'm going a little too far. I don't know the true story. I'm sure Andy could give us Okay, I'm going a little too far. I don't know the true story. I'm sure Andy could give us the lowdown on the real deal. Well, how did you know that? Because Fiori had an opinion on him. He knows that world better than we have a world. Do you believe the allegations, Andy?

He went to improv class with him for two years. Yes, he did. They had a softball team. In this case, I do believe some of the girls that I also know personally. Yes. Now, why? Why? Based on personal animus? Something happened between you and him? Not at all. I don't actually know

him that well. He's got a very bad reputation. Based on his picture. Did you see his picture? Well, yes. That should make you hate him. Glazer hosted a sold-out monthly stand-up show. He was accused in August 2016 of drugging and raping at least, I know, it's 11 seats, two fellow comics.

He says he never learned the identity of his accusers. Is that true? Well, then how the fuck can you say he's guilty? One woman in honesty

told the website Revelist that they had drinks together and then she woke up in his apartment having non-consensual sex. When Jasmine Pierce, a writer for Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon,

called Glazer a rapist on social media in August of 2016, he slapped her with a $38 million lawsuit. He dropped that suit in September, telling Jezebel.com that he ran out of money. So he really is a UCB guy. So why do you, Andy, you... He can't disclose, but he knows all these people. Trust him. Look at the guy. He doesn't look like he'll throw a goddamn roof.

He'd try to do that to you or me if he could get away with it. Remember when the Chinese were putting... And guess what? When they were putting what? They were putting the date rape drug. They were painting toys with it. Were we hip and all? Spanish fly? They were painting... date rape drug. They were painting toys with it. Were we hip and all? Spanish fly?

They were painting. No. Spanish fly? Spanish fly. Who are you, Bill Cosby? Date rape drug in the paint that they paint toys with. I got caught stirring a girl's gin and tonic with a Barbie doll. When the girl called me, she said, well, it still affected Barbie.

It knocked her out. Well, okay. Again, should I read on here? Are you guys already convicting this guy? We're convicting him. Really? I mean. But here's why I don't like it, Andy.

Listen, okay? Let me just read a little. The comic says he performed with UCB for nearly 10 years until he was called into a meeting at his midtown office August 12, 2016. There, UCB directors Shannon O'Neill and Alex Sedis said, in the past, people, this is their quote, in the past, people felt as though you have raped them. Glazer claims that O'Neill, Shannon O'Neill, had labeled Mr. Glazer a, and this is quotes, privileged white man and decided that he must be guilty because he looks like other people have been guilty of crimes in the past, the suit says. Glazer wasn't questioned as part of the sham investigation, yet somehow have been convicted of a very, very serious crime. But what is literally a clown called you to? I'm sorry, but from what I'm reading, the guy's getting railroaded.

Listen, that quote made me sick, too. It should. Privileged white man. Yes. We're the prototype. Yeah. Listen, that quote made me sick too. It should. Privileged white man. Yes. We're the prototype. Yeah. Of rapists. But

you can say that. That being said but that being said still he knows there's a lot of talk about him. But I do agree

that mob mentality did convict him before any sort of due diligence. Yes. That's my part. Let's get him in here

and find out. No? Hashtag me too? It's your show. What are you talking about? I don't know. Why wouldn't that be? I've heard...

You've heard what? He's gonna rape me? What the fuck have you heard? You stupid fucking blabbermouth cunt! It's been my favorite show of the year. Brent, seriously, mark this one down. Seriously.

If I have to send a tape to another radio station. Plus, what if the guy comes in and he's the biggest hack you ever met, which is the odds are pretty good. Good chance of that happening. What are you talking about? The hacks get all the pussy. Yeah, well. It's the fucking real comics who. Apparently.

It's the trees who had to, you know. Yeah. That's true. Brendan's got a brother doing time in a Kentucky penitentiary named Soft Serve. Really? In Kentucky, huh? Yeah. Which one is it, Brendan?

Quint'll tell you what the racial makeup is. That's funny because you don't look like you come from seven Appalachian generations. He's got that long, lean look. He does. He's fucking... I know. Well, even like my wife's forever. They're naturally ripped.

Yes. It's fucking amazing. From log rolling for seven generations to build their homes. Where is it? Marion County. It's fucking amazing. Exactly. Log rolling for seven generations to build their homes. Where is it? Marion County. Marion County, Kentucky. Quinn will break down racially. He'll tell you what the fucking ad seg unit. I don't know, but I mean, I know that Kentucky

is, you know, it's mostly white except for Louisville and Lexington. Yep, that's exactly right. Where all the best basketball is played, ironically. Well, Lexington's white, I think. Louisville is the only place, yeah. Lexington is more gay than black. Wow.

Lexington's like Red Fifi now, huh? Yeah, it's the art city. They got the horses up there, don't they? They got a whole thing going on. Quinn, I haven't done comedy in Lexington. I did it in Lexington at that club. How was it? Years ago, it was fun.

It took me to the game. You started at the club? What's the club, Brendan? Comedy Off-Broadway is the name of the club. Yes. That's right. I remember turning it down

because it was Off-Broadway. It used to be Comedy On-Broadway moved to Comedy Off-Broadway. The guy took me to the UK game. Who's that? Was it Lee or Scott by chance?

Kyle Macy was there. Absolutely, yeah. What are you laughing at? Were you there when I was there? I was there in like 2006. Yeah, that's absolutely... Well, I was in France. I was so fat, I had to wear...

We have audio of you there. What's that? We have audio of you, your first lines on that stage. There's something wrong with the black man's mind! There's something wrong with his mind! Well, I knew it was the one state I could get away with that way. That's Quinn's open. That and Idaho are the only states I use that to open.

Everywhere else it was touch and go. I'm still trying to buy property right behind Mark Farman's house. He lives in Idaho, right? Yeah, yeah. Right? A lot of cops do. A lot of those California cops moved out there, yeah. See that?

I would love to live there. That's where like, what's his name? Like Napoleon Dynamite and all that stuff they shot. Yeah, I know. And they ruined that movie. Oh, my God. Here's our boy yelling on Hannity Shelf. I can't believe him!

Yeah, but you know what? He's been right on the money. Right on. And then you got Rachel Maddow. Again, looks like my junior high picture. I want to smash her face wide open like a fucking Kirsten Powers. She's got a haircut like John Stockton. Perfect.

She still looks pretty good. Kirsten Powers is always, yeah. I mean, she's really kept herself up. One way you can say. There's no denying it. Gretchen. Gretchen. Van Susteren.

What was her name? Greta Van Susteren. Boy, she was. I love when they replaced her with Tucker Carlson. That was like getting, you know, Tom Brady for Kaepernick. I was so excited. Let's go to Bill. Bill in L.A. hadn't seen The Godfather, Colin.

And we said, you have to watch it. And he did watch it this weekend. You believe that? Go ahead, Bill. What's going on, guys? What's happening? Oh, saw the movie. My final review.

Estupacente. El Maguillo. Ah, fuck. I forgot the rest. I laughed, I cried, I vomited. Man, it was a great movie. How good was it? I forgot the rest, man. I laughed, I cried, I vomited. Man, it was a great movie. How good was it? Oh, fucking amazing, man.

When Don Corleone dies, when he gets shot by the car, I had to stop the movie. I thought, no fucking way they kill him off in the movie already. No! Bill, I don't think you really liked it that much. It's like, I saw Star Wars, because here's what happened, Bill. You waited too long, and your expectations were too high. I saw Star Wars when I was in my 30s, and I could not enjoy it. I had never seen it when I was younger.

And I think the same thing happened to me happened to Bill. I hate Star Wars, and he hates The Godfather. No, I love it. Number one. No. Top of the list. No. No.

Top of the list should be Mean Streets, then Goodfellas, then the Godfather. Oh, God. You're too much of a purist. Mink. You put Mean Streets ahead of, you know what? What city are you from? What? Practical math.

Yes. God damn it. Hey, what city do you live in? Porky's, too. What city do you live in, Bill? Bill. Los Angeles. I live in Gondora.

Where the hell is that? About 40 miles east of Los Angeles. Your favorite movie should be The Salt and Sea. Remember that one? Hey, Colin, about your line about not having Chip on New Tough Crowd. The only thing I've got to say is, Colin, what you doing? Like, oh, it's talking on a phone or something?

First of all, your favorite movie should be L.A. Confidential. L.A. Confidential, by the way, is a very amazing movie. I auditioned for it, by the way. You did? Of course I did. Johnny Stompanato. I did an audition in front of a very famous casting woman. She's like 80 years old. The scene where

Stompanato, who's the star? Russell Crowe. Russell Crowe grabs him by the balls in a bar. I'm grabbing my own balls for this audition in front of an 80-year-old lady. Delivering the lines like I'm in pain. I didn't mean it. Broad's like, okay, nice talking to you.

I'm like, that's it? I just grabbed my own bag in front of a 90-year-old lady. You should be at least playing with yourself. That's a true story. I look just like Stomping Otto. Yeah, you do. I do. I did.

I mean, when I auditioned for my wife, I was like, oh, my God. Yeah. And you know who they tend to pick? Larry Storch beat me up. And your wife told me that she wishes, Andy said she wishes she had a daughter like Lana Turner. She better be laughing right now. God damn right. Well, they say she probably killed him and the daughter took the fall.

Yeah, that's right. Hey, gotta get a little malty. What are we gonna do? We got a minute left. Colin, we can't thank you enough, buddy. Fucking always. I love it, you guys. Go see him in Denver.

What's the dates again? 8th through the 10th. 8th through the 10th. Comedy Works. Jesus, you're doing a lot of traveling. I promise if he comes to the show, I'm going to try to hit it out of the park for you guys. I hope so. Last time I saw you, you followed one off in a catcher.

All right. Listen. All right. That is it for tonight, folks. Congratulations, Philly, you sons of bitches. And you handled the success well. Just the way I knew you would. That's about it from here.

We'll talk to you tomorrow night. And remember, if you're afraid to say something, say it anyways. Fuck them. I'm out.