The Nick DiPaolo Show - 220 - Nunberg Subpoena

Episode Date: March 6, 2018

Nunberg Subpoena

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com. Oh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. On a Monday. It's always Monday. Never fucking Friday. Every day's Monday Fridays come around once every what? Four or five weeks? Every goddamn day's a Monday

How'd you make out in the storm? That was one Friday It was, right? I don't know how But everybody around me lost power And usually I'm the first to lose power I'm at the end of a private road in the woods

and there's always, you know, these trees. They died 40 years ago. Somehow they're hanging on. If a squirrel farts, they tip over. Somehow. I mean, millions in Westchester or whatever, surrounding towns. And, uh,

nothing. Although a sad star kid in my town, 11 years old, tree falls and the house kills him. I worry about that because my house is surrounded by these big, beautiful old trees. I slept with a Minnesota Vikings helmet on from 1971 with the one bar going across like the field goal kicker. But I, I always fucking worry. There's a, you know,

I always worry and a horrible, horrible, but, um, Christ almighty. I don't know how, but, uh,

nothing. We got through the show. If you already, right, we didn't lose any. No, all good. And they're saying, what, another? We're going to get hit again Wednesday?

They're talking nine or ten inches. Or literally the guy goes, nine or ten inches, minimum six. And I'm not saying we're going to get six. I'm quoting him. So he goes from nine to ten, minimum six. Not saying we're going to get six. If it stays in, it might be rain. Okay, well, I could have just said that.

You know what? It might rain. It could snow like a motherfucker because it's March. Thank you, Ted. Hey. But I'm heading to Tampa this weekend, so side splitters, March 9 and 10. This weekend. Friday. Saturday. Jared Freed. The kid we had in there.

I think he's featuring for me. So. Yeah. This weekend. I'll see you at side splitters. 866-969-1969. 866-969-1969. Is the phone number.

And next weekend. Not this weekend coming. But the following March 16th, the Nick is Right Talk kicks off at the Clayton Opera House, Clayton, New York, and continues the next night, March 17th, at the Wood Theater in Glen Falls, New York. Go to nicktip.com for ticket info, tour dates, and whatnot. And hit me up on Twitter, at Nick DiPaolo, so we can see if these people are holding me back. whatnot. And hit me up on Twitter, at Nick DiPaolo, so we can see if these people are holding me back.

I mean, I wish Barbra Streisand died in her sleep and I get fucking kicked off for a couple hours. But I've been frozen at the same number for about three months now. I don't mean to be paranoid. I actually kicked up a little. I don't know why. I do know why. Did I give this theory on

Friday? Because I, Barry Kremenz, who passed away, who helped find the Boston Comedy Scene, who was a fucking, basically a Marxist, hated this country with a passion and everything it stood for, and because I praised him, it kicked up a few notches. Therein is my theory.

Could be wrong. Could be wrong, but could be right Remember Colin Quinn said to me And this had to be 12 years ago Maybe more When was Tough Crowd? 2005

What's that? Fucking 13 years ago Hey he goes You're a little paranoid You better keep an eye on that Even Quinn when he admonishes you Has to do it in a smile You better keep an eye on that

I'm telling you Quinny has to go to I talked to him today he's got to go to like you know therapy like three times a week I forget what the some type but it's like heart rehabilitation you know they hook him up like a lab rat

have him doing deep knee bends and cartwheels and shit, front handsprings. That's what Quinn used to say. Congles, I stopped my morning the same every for the last 10 years. I get up, I do a three deep knee bend. I'm telling you, folks. And the other thing, I have steam heat, which is, you know, I have a boiler. It's fired by oil, obviously.

And we have Verizon guys come over last week. Guy goes, I got to be honest with you. I don't want to be nosy, but it smells like oil in here. I go, I know. It has for about a year and a half. I get fucking high on it. Got a problem with it? He goes, no, that's not good.

I go, I've had nine guys in here who do this for a living, who couldn't really fucking figure it out. Maybe you want to take a shot, Verizon Fios. But the thing is, the pipes, they're like sheet metal, and they're old, and they're thin. And the one that's going into the wall is all rotted out. So I'm guessing we're getting some. I googled it. It's harmless, said the guy from Exxon.

And said Rex Terlison Will he work? I tell my wife it's harmless She's got headaches and I'm throwing up Don't worry about it That's not Earl It's Texas Tea Bitch So uh

So I call a fucking I call this company And uh We've had them out before. I mean, they're pretty. Lady goes, $70 driver fee. Then it's $145 for the diagnosis, and then $195 an hour. I said, are these fucking plumbers or surgeons? $195 an hour, my cock.

You're into me for $2.15 before you get in the door? I'll put fucking masking tape around and hope my wife doesn't die in her sleep. I couldn't even bury her, for Christ's sake. $2.50 before you even get in the door. $1.95. I appreciate you guys can do shit that we can't but now you get into lawyer fee fucking johnny cochran down there working on my boiler sure he's been dead and that was a bad reference but uh i can't think of any live lawyers marcia clark i'm going up a decade at a time

get her on the team get marcia yeah her her and Chris Darden did a nice job. They set affirmative action back 40 years. Fucking woman and a black guy lost the OJ case. I could have fucking won that thing. Try a glove on. Try my dick on.

What? That was clever. Folks, this kind of shit you're going to get at the Clayton Opera House. But isn't that ridiculous and then uh me and fiori are looking for a ride uh after we do the uh the clayton opera house on march 16th the next morning we need a ride back to the airport to the syracuse airport it's about uh it's about 83 miles the limo companies and car services want $300 plus.

I said, what are you sending me, a chopper? Well, it's 160 miles both ways. I can fly to Vegas for 311 tonight. Jesus H. Christ. Money doesn't buy happiness. Do I sound fucking happy right now? See if we can hop in with the oil guys. What?

See if we can hop in with the oil guys. Yeah, exactly. I don't know what that means. I form a Trump aid on Mueller subpoena. Screw that. That's him. That's my first story, by the way. The guy's name is Sam Nunberg.

Look, he's got a very weak chin. Jesus Christ. Yeah. He gets subpoenaed by Mueller. He goes, I'm not fucking going. Kiss my grits. Paraphrasing. 866-969-1969.

Former Trump aide Sam Nunberg said Monday he's been subpoenaed to appear in front of a federal grand jury investigating Russia's interference. Oh, my God. They're still at it. He's fucking, oh, you're embarrassing yourselves. But he said he's going to refuse to go. In an interview with the Washington Post, he's on TV right now on CNN talking to Google Gobbler, fucking Cooper Anderson, Anderson Cooper, Kevin Stewart, Stewart Kevin, whatever his name.

In an interview with the Post, Nunberg said he was asked to come to Washington to appear before the grand jury on Friday. He also provided the Washington Post a copy of his two-page grand jury subpoena. Seeking documents related to President Trump and nine other people,

including emails, correspondence, invoices, telephone logs, calendars, ice cream logs, records of any kind. Among those, listen to this kind of it is among those the subpoena requests information about our departing white house communications director hope hicks former white house strategist

stephen bannon uh trump lawyer michael cohen trump campaign manager cory lewandowski and advisor roger stone nunberg says he does not plan to comply with the subpoena, including either testimony or providing documents. I like this guy's style. But what happens when you say no to a subpoena?

You know. Brendan, ask Carl Sofser. Get him on the hotline and fucking Ed Segg. You know what he says, this guy? This is why I kind of like this guy he says let him arrest me nunberg says mr muller should understand i'm not going in on friday but now here's the best part of the article he says the russians and trump did not collude nunberg said putin is too smart to collude with donald And then he says, I'm not spending 80 hours going over emails with Roger Stone and Stephen Bannon and producing them.

Donald Trump won this election on his own. He campaigned his ass off, and there's nobody who hates more than me. That's a pretty... Trump should be retweeting this shit all over the place. This guy hates... He'd get canned.

I'll tell you why he get canned Some racial shit apparently Yeah He's a He was an advisor to Trump in 2016 He was let go from the campaign staff In August of 2015 Following a Business Insider report On racially provocative social media posts

He worked Previously for the Middle east forum the american center of law and justice as a u.n delegate for the but he defended people who like would go after you know say stuff about isis and whatnot because they would get shut down considered hate speech and he would like defend people like that um From 2012 to 2014, Nuremberg worked as the direct illegal project, the Middle Eastern Forum. The project was designed to protect researchers and analysts who work on the topics of terrorism, terrorist funding, and radical Islam from lawsuits designed to silence their exercise of free speech. So he sounds like a real threat, doesn't he? But then he called Obama some shit.

This is why he got canned, apparently. He was again fired from the campaign in August 2015. Business Insider reported on Nunberg's history of racially charged and provocative social media activities going back to 2007. The report noted that Nunberg had a history of attacking african-american leaders now i'm expecting to mention you know actual al sharpton who the fuck hasn't attacked al sharp president barack obama among other things nunberg called obama a socialist marxist islamo-fascist, Nazi appeaser and Farrakhan's messiah. Oh, how fucking radical, huh?

866-969-1960. I like the fact that he's going, kiss my ass, I'm not coming in. And he was terminated on August 2nd, 2015. July 26th, Trump accused Nunberg of violating a confidentiality agreement and sought $10 million from Nunberg. Trump accused Nunberg of leaking a story about a dispute between Corey Lewandowski and Hope Hicks. Nunberg claimed the arbitration was part of the campaign's attempt to silence him after he endorsed Ted Cruz

I love this shit Why not rent the car Kevin? Because I don't want to fucking have to get up at 4.30 to return it I don't know I don't want to drive either Don't I deserve a limo Kevin? Go to Kevin line 3 I fucking have to get up at 4.30 to return it. I don't know. I don't want to drive either. Don't I deserve a limo, Kevin? Go to Kevin Line 3.

What's up, man? Nick, you mama luke. Hey, mama luke. You fancy pants. It's not that bad, man. You save yourself 200 bucks. I think at a booze you can buy with that. No, I know.

Holy crap. I know. Rent the car. I wouldn't drive it. Fiore would. He'll be drunk from the night before. We'll end up hitting a fucking herd of sheep, and we'll all die in a fiery crash. Hopefully. You'll end up in fucking Erie.

Yeah, exactly. I'll be in the backseat sleeping. All right, buddy. I love your show, man. All right, Kev. You're great. Thank you. My wife suggested that.

Uber. I think it'll wife suggested that. Uber. I think it would be much cheaper. I think we'll get a fan from up there. Who lives near the Clayton Opry House? Opry. Opry House. What the fuck? What does that mean?

What's the Italian version? Is that plural for opera? Opry? Opry. Look at the Brady Bunch screen up there On CNN Live Here's the story of some fucking liars All of them had Hillary's

Pubes in their teeth Except for the host He's covered in goo His name is Cooper Look at this Breaking news Former Trump aide defies grandeur It it's breaking news on msnbc cnn yet the rest of the world doesn't give a shit you people are embarrassing yourselves

let's bring on jeffrey tubin he's been lying as a legal analyst on cnn for the last 25 years let's listen to what this fucking crooked guzzler of goo has to say. Let's rent the car, Andy. Let's get a fucking... What do you call those? Volkswagen buses? Yeah, we'll get a bus. Huh? Like they took to Woodstock?

Yeah. You got the hair and beard for it. That'll be terrific. Frank in the Bronx. Frank, go ahead. What did Einstein say? He said, if I ever come back in a second life i'm gonna be a plumber because it's the easiest fucking job in the world everything goes down yeah shit runs downhill that's it he says if i ever it's like uh there's a plumbing supply house

over there in hell's kitchen and it's like right outside in the Albert Einstein statement. I believe he really did. So even back in Einstein's time they were charging fucking exorbitant fees. I'm going to charge you 10 cents to fill up with the horse. I'm going to charge you another 12 cents to keep cleaning the

shit off my boots. Another 18 cents to come in and drop my trousers for your wife. I know. Unbelievable. Listen, do me a favor. I got a guy he could drive you. Seriously?

Call him Louie. Louie the driver. Louie the driver. Yeah, he's a, he's a little fucking, he gets a little stupid sometimes.

He's narcoleptic, so you gotta take a chance. Yeah, keep enticing me. It sounds terrific. I wanted to do stand-up comedy a wheelchair for the rest of the tour. Nick, take care, brother. Thanks, Frankie. 866-969-1969.

Never really talked about anything yet. I'll talk this at the end of the thing. Yeah, I like this guy's Gonna refuse to come in So what do they do? I forget, they get you another way I got a story here about Maxine Waters She received an award over the weekend I'm gonna save that for you

Because you won't believe What the award was for And if you came here for oscar uh talk lick my heterosexual ass i didn't see one of the movies i didn't watch a minute of the show why would i well you're in show business well it's fucking radio um Why would I? Well, you're in show business Well, it's fucking radio Why would I? I said the call and quit on the phone today

Can you imagine? I said, me with my politics Like having this radio show And being a young comic And going out to Hollywood now And trying to Like if they knew Just think about that

Anybody that they know my politics Seriously Should it be that? It's ridiculous You would never do it in a thousand years why would i spend a minute watching those libs jerk each other off and everything out of their mouth is hypocritical and fucking two-faced and contradictory kimmel who i used to love he's fucking losing me by the second good guy still but just what are you talking about but uh yeah no i watched you know i watched we found some behind the scenes of the sopranos on like amazon or something it's like two hours of it

remember gg the guy that died in the toilet he's the one narrating it it's really corny he's like in a black suit he gets out of a limo and uh but there's some good footage it's like taken by guys you know shooting the pilot they went to the house the actual soprano's house and shit and talked to the people who own it and there was footage of them shooting some of the pilot there and uh some good stuff some shitty shit you know them signing autographs at a fucking models and coney island and you can see the look. I like Johnny Sack's face. He doesn't want to be there. Or whoever.

Fucking Furio. Look really fuming. But it was pretty good stuff. They interviewed David Prevost. Richie April. And he's got those crazy fucking eyes. But some of it was pretty damn good, actually. That's what I did.

That's what I watched. I really didn't care about the shape of water. I know the shape of water. It's in whatever bowl it's in. Shape of my water this morning. Very lumpy. Like Italy. Is that a shit joke?

Yes, we do that here. What was the other? That one, right? Yeah. Yeah. Shape of water. And Francis McDormand. Yeah, that was a big surprise. Huh? um, Frances McDormand. Yeah, that was a big surprise, huh?

Somebody more manly than me. One of the best actresses. Wow, that was a shock. Keep finger-popping each other out there. Keep jerking each other off. You are so far... Hey. What happened to three billboards in fucking Tennessee?

Huh? Three pamphlets, I heard. It could beat up by three pamph in fucking Tennessee. Huh? Three pamphlets. I heard. It could beat up by three pamphlets in Pittsburgh. Three pamphlets in a butcher window.

Who would watch that horse shit? Why? While you're in showbiz. No. Jim in Florida. How are you, Jimmy? Here's a bulletin.

What's going on, pal? Nothing. I was trying not to laugh when you answered but um i actually did watch uh well everyone's calling it grinding emo but shape of water yeah the woman the woman ends up having sex with fish monster thing yeah after Yeah, after her and her communist friend, and a gay person across from her apartment, and a black woman basically helped get it. Jesus Christ. Well, you can see why it won. That's the reason I'm kind of giving you the details in it. Spoiler alert, because I know you're never going to see it.

So they helped get this fish monster out of a military lab that's run by probably the most, it almost seemed parody, I don't believe he was a general, I believe he was a colonel, who's holding him there, torturing him and all that stuff. Of course, naturally. Right, right, very American patriotic. Yeah. So that's why it won. It's the most, if you put it in a machine

that could artificially create the most social justice warrior-type movie, that would be it. There you go. There you go. Can you imagine what a room smells like with a woman who had sex with a fish? Holy Christ almighty! It wouldn't actually smell, because in the scene,

she irresponsibly, to say the least, fills up the entire room with water, to the point where it leaks into the bottom of the lower part of the apartment complex where a movie theater is. Oh, that dirty cocksucker. Yeah, so people start complaining in the movie theater because water's now flooding the movie theater,

all because she wanted to have sex with a fish. Anything but a guy. That's all it is. That's the fucking message. Anything but a... Next year, it'll be a tiger and a fucking turtle. And, uh... Seriously, I...

You know, if we ever get hit again, like 9-11, I really hope it's fucking Hollywood. Anyways, thank you, Jimmy. Well... I gotta let you go, Jimmy. You're way over the time. Ah, well, I was last time, too. Take it easy. All right, take it easy.

Let's keep it to fucking five minutes, huh, folks? Jesus H. Eloise. So, they show the lady having sex with this fish monster? Anybody see this? I didn't see it. I ain't gonna watch it tonight. That's gross.

I had all the movies, too. I belong to SAG. They sent me all of them. I'll watch them. Will you? Yeah. Good for you. I watched a few of them.

You want to watch a story of a young boy coming of age and falling in love with his male Italian professor? Hmm. Ziti. By the way, I made fucking pasta with zoo. Oh, I'm going to bring you some. Oh, beautiful. Too. Thank you.

Three minutes. Boy, it went by like it was 43 minutes. Look at Anderson Cooper slash Cooper Anderson, whatever his name is. Look at the stupid frown on his face. Look at him. Like somebody showed him a pair of nice tits. Look at him. Just despondent.

Very stern. Former Trump aide and Russia probe probe they know something on him i just read you his quote saying i hate his guts but he won it fair and square so this guy's out getting his 15 minutes right what a what a sad world anyways folks next weekend not this weekend i mean i'm in tampa next weekend march 16 this weekend, I'm in Tampa. Next weekend, March 16th, the Nick is Right talk kicks off at the Clayton Opera House, Clayton, New York. The following night, the Wood Theater in Glen Falls, New York. March 23rd, Palma Opera House, Cuba, New York.

March 24th, Cohoes Music Hall, Cohoes, New York. March 30th, the Regent Theater in Arlington, Mass. I don't know. Am I supposed to read these slow people writing them down? That's good. What's the point? March 31st, Tarrytown Music Hall, Tarrytown, New York. April 6th, Red Hook Brewery, Portsmouth, New Hampshire.

April 7th, the Bardavon, Poughkeepsie, New York, as opposed to Poughkeepsie, California. April 13th, the Paramount Theater in Rutland, Vermont. April 14th, Barrington Stage Company, Pittsfield, Mass. I like that one, because when you're done with your set, they go, scene! April 20th, Cortland Repertory Theater in Cortland, New York. April 21st, Steel Stacks, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Sounds like where the Steelers used to train or some shit. I've done that one, by the way. It's awesome.

Yeah, that's cool. April 27th, Majestic Theater, Pottsville, PA. April 28th, the Kirby Center, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. May 4th, Jonathan's in a gunk with Maine. May 5th, the Schubert Theater in New Haven, Connecticut. So please go to nickdip.com for all the ticket information. 866-969-1969. When I come back, we'll talk about Maxine Waters and what she won over the weekend.

You won't believe it. You're listening to The Nick DiPaolo Show on Faction Talk, Sirius XM 103. I don't know. guitar solo Ginny said when she was just five years old You know this, nothing happened at all Every time she put on the radio There was nothing going down at all Not at all One fine morning she pushed on a New York station And she couldn't believe what she heard at all

She started dancing to that five-five-five-five It's on the New York station and she couldn't believe what she heard at all. She started dancing to that 5-5-5-5 music. My life is a 5-5-5-5 rock and roll. Hey, baby, rock and roll. The Nick DiPaolo Show returns now. Hey, it's at a rock and roll station. It's all right. It was all right.

Go ahead. Play it. Let me hear it. Oh, heroin music. I love it. A little pure horse. Pure horse. It's my favorite song of all time, by the way.

That album. Brendan says no. He's Men Without Hats. He says... Let's change the subject. Enough of the fat people. They're getting sweaty. The Nick is Right Tour starts March 16th at the Clayton Opera House, Clayton, New York. Andy Fiore will be opening for my producer here.

Very funny fella. March 17th, the Wood Theater, Glen Falls, New York. March 23rd, Palma Opera House, Cuba, New York. March 24th, Cahos Music Hall, Cahos, New York. I love that place. March 30th, Regent Theater, Arlington, Mass. March 31st, Tarrytown Music Hall, Tarrytown, New York. Excuse me.

April 6th, Red Hook Brewery, Portsmouth, New Hampshire. April 7th, The Bardaban, Poughkeepsie, New York. April 13th, The Paramount Theater, Rutland, Vermont. April 14th, Barrington Stage Company, Pittsfield, Mass. April 20th, The Cortland Repertory Theater, Cortland, New York. April 21st, Steel Stacks, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania April 27th, Majestic Theater, Pottsville, PA April 28th, the Kirby Center, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania

May 4th, Jonathan's, Agunquit, Maine And finally, May 5th, the Schubert Theater, New Haven, Connecticut Go to nickdip.com for ticket information, tour dates, shot glasses, Nick DiPaolo podcasts, denim, whatever, fucking v-neck sweaters, and top hats.

I don't sell anything. I sell, you know, I'm going to be selling some Maxine water. What? I was curious if we had merch for the Nick is right tour. Do we have? Legitimate question.

Huh? Do we have merch? You're not going to get a cut of it. What are you going to fuck? I'm curious. A t-shirt, a member. No. Again, I'm not Ron Popeil.

I'm a fucking comedian. I'm not going to stand out there and people go, well, you have people stand out there and sell it. That doesn't work either. It only fucking sells when you're out there. Am I right? Unless you put a broad out there in a bikini, which, you know. How do you look in a one piece?

Andy? I'm a little hairy. I'm a little hairy. Ladies and gentlemen, apparently men's sperm counts are dropping and scientists don't know why. Found this very interesting. Brendan, go ahead. What's your guess?

I say Wi-Fi. Legit, I say Wi-Fi. We can't hear you, son. Sorry, Brad. Is my mic not connected? No. Well, if you're already asleep, he's over there trying to finish his six-foot meatball sub. I legit think Wi-Fi.

I really do. You talking porn, you mean? People yanking it? No, I think the radiation from Wi-Fi floating through our nuts. No, I know you're right. All that, the fucking cell. Wait a minute, though. Here's the thing.

I'll read the article. Because it's only certain parts of the world that it's happening to and uh your theory would be blown out of the world because over in the middle east apparently it's not happening over there and they fucking every three days they're organizing an uprising on facebook and shit so wouldn't their balls be dried up too i said that on stage i go i'll be at a club it's half full i go i know I know a 14-year-old black kid. If this was a fucking footlock, he could have 600 of his friends here in 10 minutes. And the crowd laughs.

And then one lady gets up in the back and fires it off an angry email. New research. Research. Shows sperm counts are drastically dropping across the Western world. Hey, if you don't believe it, put on an episode of Chopped or anything. Put on Cake Wars. Put on fucking whatever. What's the family?

What's the show that's a big hit? Regular Family? Modern Family. Modern Family. There you go. Or just put on anything. Anything. Research is from Hebrew University.

That's where I used to return punts. They had a hell of a football team. Hebrew University at Hadassah Braun School of Public, Jesus Christ, Health and Community and Medicine in Jerusalem. I went to the other campus on the West Bank. It's a community college. Announced this week that the sperm count in men is residing in developed countries. Residing. That's a misprint, isn't it?

In developed countries, it says dropped by a whopping, oh, men residing, I'm sorry. That's sperm residing. Dropped by a whopping, you're very concerned for your, dropped by a whopping 50% over the last 40 years. Oh, big deal.

The planet's going to get, what, a degree warmer in 100 they claim this is alarming trend could potentially result in a decline of male health fertility possibly even extension if the trend doesn't uh if it doesn't turn around big deal are you worried i'm not that worried come on he's a fag! After data was collected from 185 studies looking at sperm count and 22 remote controls from Hotel Sixes,

concentration concentration of men from... Here's the problem. 185 studies looking at sperm count and concentration of men from North America, Europe, Australia, and New Zealand from 1973 to 2011. Research has found that total sperm count declined by

59.3% and sperm concentration declined by 52.4%. What's the difference? But here you go. Data from South America Asia and Africa were also examined however

no serious decline was detected you didn't have to go all the way over to Asia and Africa and South America you just went up to the Bronx

and seen that this was true for the love of Christ researchers did note that not as many studies have been conducted in those regions probably because you know

they're waiting for running water and they're shitting in coffee cans and they have no teeth. What do you mean, Nick? You don't know what I fucking mean. You see, he's coming over. Researchers didn't look into reasons why the drop in sperm count occurred. No, not interested. Just happy it's happening. No, not interested.

Just happy it's happening. I'm going with the info wars. Alex Jones theory of the PBA things and the plastic water bottles and all that. And the pesticides and all the other shit. And the food. They didn't look into the sperm count? You think if girls' uterus were falling out, did they look into that? They noted the phenomena was previously linked to factors ranging from chemicals and pesticides to lifestyle choices, including smoking, obesity, and stress.

As Tony Soprano once said, hate to quote him again, is that all you only fucking word you doctors know is stress? You could go in there with an 8-inch hatchet stuck in the forehead to be like, yeah, stress lately? Yeah, I'm stressed about this hatchet in my forehead. They're worried if things keep heading in this direction, the human race could be doomed. I'm not worried. I'm actually encouraging it. My sperm count

is fine. You don't believe me? Check the headboard at the Marriott. What? Oh, is that you? What the fuck was that? And you blew it! Yes, I did. You blew it.

You can act like a man! What's the matter with you? Is that you? What did you do to my clip? He didn't do it. Oh, boy, come on. It's an 8 o'clock show, not 8 a.m. This guy, this caller says the reason for the sperm drop is his sister.

What? Let's go to Matt in Texas. What is the reason, Matt? I believe it's tight underwear and the... It's just like you said. It's all that plastic, the products that we're using and buying in the stores.

They've got some information out online about how much estrogen it's pumping into your body, all the plastic water bottles, your plastic containers you have in the house, heated up in the microwave. It's just like what you said. That's what it is.

It's true. I drank a bottle of Avion, and I went from a B cup to a C cup. I was like, what? I'm telling you. And what do they call those? PBAs, man, or something? PBA. Yeah.

Something like that. That's what it is. Here's the problem. Here's the problem right here. You and I are the problem. We're talking about we know what's causing a low sperm count. We're like, do you know? Nah, something, whatever.

I don't know. No. Yeah, we're not scientists, and we're not qualified to do that. No, that's right. But if you do the study yourself, and you stop doing all that. They even did one study about kids drinking out of plastic water bottles, and they said, well, we didn't see any significant lower level, but it was low because then they stopped the kids from all plastic for like two weeks and then

they said well it did go down a little bit but really i'm going to say that that's it yeah no kidding so well yeah that's that's my thought on that all right right, Matt. Thank you. And I asked my wife how come her tits aren't growing if she's drinking a lot of water. She's drinking a lot out of tap water? No, all these water bottles. I was like, well, why aren't your tits growing? She goes, well, they're not my tits. I go, let me show you my dick.

All right, Matt. Thank you, buddy. All right. Take it easy. Bye. What's that? What, hooch? right. Take it easy. Bye. What? Hooch? Kills your sperm count.

Marijuana's laws are a lot looser now. More prevalent. That's always been one of those things they say. Yeah, but this has been going on for the last, like I said. Yeah. Weed. You know. Kills us.

Whatever. I don't know what to believe. That would make a bong even double dangerous. I was going to say, like we've talked about before, the weed is so crazy, you know. You missed that one right over your head.

The bong, there's water in it, and the weed, huh? Why don't you just cut your balls off with some wire snippers? Yes. Paul in Utah,

hashtag me too responsible for sperm. Absolutely. That is Paul. What's going on? Oh, not much. I just think that the reason why sperm count's dropping is the hashtag me too. Yeah. I got to believe that that's part of it.

I'll tell you. Yeah. I mean, why would guys even want to try to do anything even procreative? You know. I know. They're going to get in trouble. I got to be honest. My sperm count's fine.

I'll tell you. We want to know when you're coming to Utah too, Nick. Right after my sperm count goes down. I don't know. Utah. You know, Paula, I'm dying to go to Utah. I see it on TV. It looks like Salt Lake City is nestled in these mountains.

It looks beautiful. It is. It's a very beautiful state. Jim Norton was here on Saturday, and he sold out both shows, and I think that you would do great here. Very conservative state. You should come. Jimmy playing some good-sized venues, I'm guessing now.

He's been on, what was the venue he played at? I'm not, I won't be playing. Oh, yeah, that's it. Oh, it's a club. I thought he was doing a thing. That guy's been bugging me forever. And always something comes up, or the price isn't right, or I'm sick of doing comedy clubs and I hate comedy.

Something like that. I forget what the excuse was. But, yeah. No, I do. I have to get out there. It looks like a beautiful place. And the people seem nice. And it's very white.

Can I say that without being racist? Yes, it is very white. All right, Paula. Well, thank you. And maybe I will make it to Wysa. I really do want to see you, Tessa. Yeah, we love the show, and we listen to you every night, and we would love to have you come.

All right. I'll make a mental note. Okay. Thank you. Take care. And I like Mitt Romney. I've got to be honest. I know he's not a real conservative, and neither am I.

But I thought he was a smart guy, and, you know. But I didn't like, remember, he took the daggers out during, when Trump was running, remember? Called Trump a phony, you remember that? Called Trump a phony in a charlatan, you remember that? That's when I was going, motherfucker. But he would have made a good president, don't you think? Yeah? A not conservative enough year.

I want somebody to the right of fucking... I knew he didn't stand a chance. Huh? I knew he didn't stand a chance. Talk about Herman Munster. Who? Romney. I didn't.

Really? I thought he... Yes. Why? Oh, because Obama... Obama. Well, yeah, the first black president. Incumbent.

Come on. No, I know. Thanks to places like this, New York, New Jersey. Fucking people wake up out there, will you please? I'm doing poly. You do that decree, they'll put us both in jail. I can't hold me no more. I'm going to be careful on the way home. You do that, the Creed will put us both in jail. I can't hold me no more.

I'm going to be careful on the way home. Dante. Hey, a buddy Dante from Harlem. What's going on, Dante? Nick, you was happening, man. You already. Yup. Yeah, the other black dude called in, so I figured I may as well make it a milestone episode and shit.

Absolutely. Don't want to give my people the wrong idea. I want to make a correction on your plug this weekend, man. It's Tamper, not Tampa. Did I say Tamper? Nah, but I like it when you say that better. I'm always getting called on that i know tamper i'll be in tamper and i'll have a vodka and tonic yo um i was uh i was actually trying to talk to talk about some of the callers but uh

but yeah the the thing about the low sperm count, man, it's like, I think somewhat of the weed, but I think, you know, dumb people also still got the strongest swimmers, man. Why is that? Yeah, it's just, you know what I'm saying? It's Darwinism and shit. It's, yeah, no, you make a good point. Wait a minute, but here's the problem With the weed theory The fucking brothers love

Nobody loves weed More than brothers And you don't seem to be Having a problem Having kids Dad this is true This is true We love the fucking guys

You really do And uh yeah If you ever need any man Get it Just let me know man If you ever need any man I don't That shit's like LSD for me

I fucking I you know I've told many stories On this show Where I you know let me know, man, if you ever need any, man. I don't. That shit's like LSD for me. I fucking, you know, I've told many stories on this show where I, you know, I took a one-eighth of an edible. I bit off the corner of it and fucking I thought I was on the moon. Fucking, I lost my shit. But, you know,

I guess there's some stuff out there that I'm still tempted to. I need something to help me sleep. Yeah. Yo, your Mad Dog impression needs a little work, man. On the callers, man, I just want to say a couple things. Larry's the fucking man. Oh, I know.

I felt bad for him that night when Stan Hope was dogging on him. Yes. And, of course, Mark in Albany keeps it 100. Nathan in Connecticut, man. I don't know what his real government name is, but I can tell you whoever he is, he's also that

motherfucker from Staten Island who calls in to rap to you. We haven't heard from either of them in a while. No, and I have a theory on it. On, you know, who Nathan is. I think we called him on his character. We're like, yeah, he's laying it on a little thick. Remember, we started calling him on his character?

Yeah, and I think he saw him inventing a new one right now. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Dante. Yeah, last but not least, that puck slut, Mark, in San Diego. Yo, I'm glad he doesn't call you homie anymore, because every time he does that, Richie April flips his grave. The great David Proval.

All right, Dante, good call, man. All right, man, peace. Take it easy. Did he call me? Mark called me his homie. Yeah, so I got to believe. But why isn't this shit going down in South America, Asia, and Africa? And again, he said, research has noted not many studies have been conducted in those regions.

You know why? The researchers are white. They don't want to fucking be attacked by... What is it? What's the fuck? Who's the one that captured all the girls? Boko Haram? I tend to believe it's the food and the...

I'm guessing they don't get heavily processed food over in Nigeria. They don't get any food at all, as a matter of fact. Think about that. A bowl of fucking rice. People laugh right now. They think all of Africa's poor and shit. Yeah, I do. About 98% of it.

I do. Sorry. Those are the images I've been growing up with. I never see heavyset kids in Mugabe. Those commercials late at night. I haven't seen those anymore.

A kid climbing through a dump looking for a sandwich. I'm laying there at home with a six inch meatball so just belly

laughing going unlucky little prick. Yummy bittles. Fiddles. Yummy bittles Bittles Yummy bittles You hungry? No

What do you do? Go to bed hungry? I can't, I can't sleep I don't know how those little kids do it over and over They must be up all night What? I'm trying That's the only time I lose weight Is when I go to bed hungry

Absolutely If I don't eat after a certain hour I will lose the weight and I can't do it I have zero fucking willpower Zero That's when I do all my eating at night What are you doing You're sitting there watching a game

Huh what are you gonna do Sorry I was born in America with my white privilege I have a leftover fucking porterhouse steak An inch from my Am I not gonna get up and get it Between periods With my white privilege. I have a leftover fucking porterhouse steak an inch from my. Am I not going to get up and get it between periods? Huh? I know.

Meanwhile, there's a kid bare ass chasing a water bug with a stick for lunch. I'm fucking. Keep showing me that commercial. As I reach for my third bag of Doritos. And a A&W. I am like a bitch. I'm in the mirror in the morning just looking at my gun. What the fuck?

I didn't know your tits sag. Everything goes, leave it on a guy. It goes lower. I can't even wear like a fucking tight shirt no more. Now you look good. Well, I know that, but...

You can act like a man What's the matter with you? Really? What's the matter with me? Nothing My sperm count's 150 over 171 Wait a minute That's my blood pressure

Alright that's it kids I don't know what we get accomplished here But As long as it's entertaining Come see me at Sidesplitters this weekend. Friday and Saturday night. And the Nick is Right tour kicks off March 16th at the Clayton Art Pals Clayton

New York. Go to nickdip.com for all the tour information. That's it. Fiori, anything to add? No, sir. I'm going on by a Maxine Waters wig. And that is it. Remember, kids, you know, you guys Waters wig. And that is it. Remember, kids, you know, you guys think it, and I'll say it.

And you're very welcome. Good night, America. Outro Music