The Nick DiPaolo Show - 222 - Nick's Edema

Episode Date: March 20, 2018

Nick's Edema

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com. Oh yeah! How are you folks? Welcome to the show on a Monday! Of course it's a Monday. There's 11 Mondays in one weekend. One Tuesday, one Wednesday, one Thursday. Yeah! 866-969-1969. 866-969-1969 is the number.

I'm your host, Nick Tafalo. Straight white male. Proud of it, goddammit! What's going on? How was your weekend? Mine was terrific. I spent it with Andy Fior. What's going on? How was your weekend? Mine was terrific. I spent it with Andy Fiori, big, hairy, fucking Italian guy. We'll get to our weekend in a second.

It was actually pretty great. Kicked off the Nick is Right tour. We started in Clayton, New York, which, you know, I think I hit Montreal. I threw a rock at a pigeon. And it was great, though. And next night we were where, Andy? Glens Falls, New York. And tremendous.

Tremendous turnout. And both shows. I'll get to it in a few seconds. But it was a pleasant surprise, to say the least. And the, oh, Jesus. I've got toesus gotta talk about delta airlines oh my aching stem i i just uh you know you guys everybody knows what a fucking nightmare flying is but uh just in fiori saw it all he witnessed my luck and first of all we're like oh this will be easy fucking syracuse what's that

a 48 minute flight from where seriously like an hour at the most and naturally we get there and it says the flight's like 50 50 minutes and then they put us on the plane sit another hour in the fucking tarmac and uh this broad gets on and um white trash you can see right off the bat and uh she got kind of a shiner I said well now why would somebody hit a girl like that And then I saw her little black kid I go oh puzzle connected That's a fucking joke

But she did have a cute little black kid with her But she's already three sheets to the wind Fucking just freaking white trash And took to me Like a lost puppy And just It's not a big plane. It's a regional jet. Everybody's fucking quiet.

She's just yammering. We were fucking, we had to stay overnight. I suppose she's talking to the whole plane, but she's looking at me. We were supposed to leave last, the flight yesterday. And they shut the gate 20 minutes early which nobody does she goes i i went ahead and drank and used the restroom and they told me i couldn't get when the fuck did they get it and it just got worse from there and she's talking that fucking loud to me i'm pretending to read and she goes i know you're not fucking reading

and just fucking wouldn't let me alone. You're kind of cute. You look like, who do you look like? You look like, you know that show where they do practical jokes on true TV? Yeah, the four ugliest fucking guys I've ever seen. I look like one of them now? How many fucking jacked? She's slurring. Cute.

Her son was well-behaved. Cute little black kid. She's white trash. Florida-Bro Florida Brooklyn connection. So predictable. But I don't know where my baby daddy is. Fucking. She was bragging about that to the whole plane.

Fucking. I want nothing to do with him. Fucking. Then I pretend I'm sleeping. And she's fucking touching me. She's touching my shoulder. Poking me with her thumb. And the stewardess tried to get involved to calm her down and shit.

I can't make this shit up. I mean now now again this is supposed to be an hour flight so i'm being tortured we haven't even taken off yet and she's fucking and then once we got in the air it fucking the you know it got three times worse i can't tell you how well behaved the little kid and i'm thinking this poor kid don't know where the fucking father is. This broad, if she's alive in a year, I'd fucking be surprised. I don't know what her uncle did to her or her fucking

father, but, you know, why do you say that? Because she was on drugs, alcohol, or both, and then she wouldn't, you know, people rolling their eyes and shit looking at me like i fucking brought her with me i i i forgot the most important part of the story i was sitting you know i had my seat with a guy with somebody next to me she gets on with a kid

and they were going to separate them you two were both on the aisle i'll tell the story thank you i'm filling it in nick de paPaolo show. It happened to me. Shat it. He sat there and belly laughed, by the way. He saw the whole fucking thing. I, uh, so I, I go, do you want to switch so you can sit with your son? So I switch across the aisle. Now I'm on the aisle seat and she sits on the fucking aisle seat.

So we're, you know, two feet from each other and she's just fucking, yeah, but away people are going, the stewardess is trying to, you know, two feet from each other. And she's just fucking, yeah, put away. People are going, the stewardess is trying to, you know, intervene. Fucking wouldn't leave me alone. I'm not even doing a job. Just picture if we're in the air for now. Yeah, but getting louder and louder. Nobody, you know, but nobody, again, this, you know, the flight attendant, excuse me, not stewardess, could have said, shut up. Low your voice. None of that. Because we can't judge behavior today, can we? This you know the flight attendant excuse me not stewardess could have said shut up lowly avoid

Not none of that because we can't judge behavior today. Can we and that's why I don't do people favors a lot of time That was my reward for being a nice guy letting her sit with her kid fucking torture next person asked me switch seats I'm gonna go fuck off and I'm gonna headbutt you Just I'm not even doing it justice what a hellacious fucking nightmare of a flight it was at one point after we land she gets up while we're taxiing and i see the stewardess get right on the horn to the pilot and sure enough he locks up the brakes now we're waiting for her she's in the shithouse yeah she comes out we're on the her. She's in the shithouse. Yeah. She comes out. We're on the

fucking tarmac as they couldn't, you know. They were waiting for me. I had a fucking I had a pee. I've been fucking holding it. And listen to this. This is a funny part. She reaches over to do something with her kid. Sit him up straight or whatever. She starts rubbing her ass on

me like a stripper. Fiore Sartre. Was she not? I was actually the father's kid for like three minutes. Well, he goes, where'd my mommy go? I go, she's taking a big shit. No, I said, she had to use the bathroom. He goes, I got to go to the bathroom.

I go, I said, he actually said, we in Syracuse? I go, yes. I go, your mommy will be back in a minute. I'm mentoring. It's a big brother's program. Picture me with my reputation. I'm helping a cute, he was the cutest little fucking kid, and he was well-behaved the whole time, unlike his mother.

And then we finally get away from them. We finally de-board. I'm waiting for Yorty to pick up his fucking rental car or whatever. You know, who comes around the corner? With, I guess it wasn't the fucking baby's daddy, but he had grill work.

Looked like an impala. And who does she notice? Threw her fucking drug haze. Gives me a high five. She was fist bumping me the whole flight. Guy next to me was crying because i was saying some of those horrendous shit i go you think this little kid has a chance i said this kid might as well mug me when i get off the plane fucking guy was belly lapping guy next to me was crying i was saying the most horrendous and then delta has the nerve once we land you know they give those announcements they go we'll

be handing out a survey. No, in a week, you're going to receive a survey through the email. Yeah. Yeah, that's what you want to do. Ask us how this flight was. I told the guy next to me, I'm going to wipe my ass with it and put it back in the envelope and send it. Huh? Oh, that's right.

I forgot the other part. I said to her at one point, she was freaking out because she couldn't have a drink. The flight's like 48 minutes, you know? I go, about 10 minutes left in a flight. Now I'm angry. I wonder if I can make the rest of the people around me miserable. So I go to her. If you shut up, I'll buy you a shot at Jack Daniel.

She goes, I will. I will. I will. That's right. I was enabling folks. I was hoping it was going to kill her. Sure enough, I give the flight attendant, who's this cute black girl. Really?

Portia. Portia. Yeah, the girl kept yelling out, Portia, you're fucking beautiful. Piece of ass. And me and the flight attendant kept making eye contact. So I whispered in the flight attendant's ear, I go, I'm going to buy her a shot. She said she'd shut up. And even the flight attendant looked so crazy at that idea.

She brings back a shot. I was gonna fucking, I wanted a little bit myself. She grabbed the cup. The broad grabs the cup. I didn't even, she sucks it down like it was fucking Yahoo. Yahoo? You mean Yoo-hoo? Yeah, she sucked down a computer. Fucking, she

sucked down a search engine. Um, I wanted a taste of that shot it wasn't just for her she gobbled that fucking thing down that poor kid might as well put him in jail tonight not a fucking prayer huh my favorite flight ever for you every time i looked up fiori sitting directly behind there he was literally he had his hands over his belly, doubled over. I could see his eyes welling up. I'm over there going, Mommy will be back in a second. I mean, the one person to put her next to.

It's God, teacher Mila. But, but, but, just a fucking nightmare. Just a, that's supposed to be a 48 minute fucking flight. It's why i don't fly anymore if it's not that it's a flight attendant we're waiting on a flight attendant two weeks ago remember there was somebody late getting to work so we have to wait for that it gets better folks we land 25 almost 40 minutes early on the flight home yeah 40 minutes early i'm in seat 1a i got a hard on'm like, I'm fucking out of here This is beautiful

I'll be home a half hour before I should be So I stand up, you know, ding I got my bag, I'm first in line We're waiting You know the jet bridge is supposed to come down? It's stuck Cut to 40 minutes later It's still fucking stuck

So Delta, P fucking U Seriously, if I was on Greyhound I would have had a higher class of She was rubbing her ass, giving me like a lap dance Literally on my shoulder I almost fell out of my chair And you know, if she had an ounce of fucking sexiness It might have been worth it

Might as well have been Fiore rubbing his big hairy ass on my neck Here's a fire force Have you ever fjord? That was priceless. Once in a lifetime. No, I've never. I have. People who know me have.

I'm born under a death star. And that's why we're driving to Cuba, New York. I don't give a shit if it's in Cuba, Cuba. I'll drive through the ocean. Fuck that. I'll drive through the ocean. Fuck that. I couldn't believe people, the flight attendant asked me my seat number on the way out. I'm thinking I might

be getting a refund. Fiori says no, she's just going to pay for that drink. But she saw, I kept making eye contact, she could see that, oh my God. Tomorrow night, the very funny Dan Soda, who I fucking love. He's great on the radio.

You know him from the bonfire in his Comedy Central. And just a great guy on top of it. He'll be here tomorrow night. This Friday, the Nick is Right talk continues at the Palma Opera House in Cuba, New York. Saturday, the next night, at the Cohoes Music Hall, Cohoes, New York. Next weekend, you'll find us in Arlington, Mass. at the Regent Theater on Friday, March 30th, which is Saturday. No, you really?

Bill and Nova? Just read it as it is. Oh, it's horrible. Regent Theater on Friday, March 30th and Saturday. Maybe I'm. March 31st, Tarrytown Music Hall, Tarrytown, New York.

Go to nickdip.com for the entire tour and ticket info. It was great. We did Clayton, New York, which is up on the St. Lawrence River. It's a summer resort town And we weren't expecting anybody

And we did pretty damn well And crowds were great Nice venue It just feels so nice to be out of a comedy club It just And then The next night Cleanse Falls

Was a pleasure We drove up from my house It was just nobody on the road Taconic which is my favorite highway in the country There's nobody on the road There's nobody on it Just a peaceful ride up there I have edema

My leg's swelling up I don't know if I mentioned that on air last week I got this liquid build up I told you it looks like hillary's calves or cankles or whatever i don't know what's going on and they tell me not to eat sodium so i stopped off at a gas station got about an eight pound bag of beef jerky it's got so much sodium and there's a picture of jerry lewis's face when he's on pregnant zone fucking it's good i, I'm wearing a compression sock.

It's flesh colored, like you'd see on a 90-year-old lady from Palermo. I take it off. That calf is the size of a kumquat. The other one looks like a fungal bat. Look like one of those kids on the Shrine of Sin. I'm living here. But great turnouts both I mean a pleasure

Especially the Glens Falls But thank you guys who came out To both gigs this is gonna be good Cause it's just starting And you can tell there's an appetite To hear liberals getting bitch slapped All over this day And I'm probably forgetting

Important parts of them. Anything? Weren't you raped on a plane on the way back, Zaha? No, I don't think so. But how about you and I wandering around in Rochester in the Syracuse airport

at five in the morning in a garage under construction looking for Enterprise Rent-A-Car. It's literally, it's 11 degrees. And I'm like yeah i play this right that was a good weekend i have no thoughts on the new gun control bill so ed you can change the subject i don't know what the fuck you're talking about this isn't uh

you know not a gun enthusiast And you know You didn't have to hang up But did you kick him off? Ed you can call back Talk about something else Or you can teach me about the gun control What is it? They raised the age or something

Some knee jerk reaction How about the We'll get to this in a few minutes I have to get out of the radio I'm so sick of being pulled in 19 directions Either comedy or fucking radio Democrat lawmaker blames bad weather on Jews Controlling the climate

That's the headline Well it makes sense globalist to global warming that's horrible we'll get to that in a second these dems you know they love farrakhan they're the most anti-semitic they get a lot of meanwhile you say something wrong you say colored instead of black and you're done whatever but they get free reign over the fucking... Brian in Ohio. What's up, Bri? How are you, Mr. DiPaolo?

What's happening, my man? Dude, this is by far the greatest show on radio or TV, in my opinion. I'm with you how how is there only one person that goes a little bit to the republican side on all of serious all of tv it's really frustrating but also refreshing to be able to listen to you every night i appreciate that they have something called the patriot channel here right that's pretty uh pretty right wing i guess i'm not like I'm not like Brian, I'm not like a classic conservative, but yeah, compared to the rest of people

in this business, I am, you know, they consider me far right, but hey, I don't even fight the label anymore. I just say I accept it. What I don't understand, people are so blind

to one side or the other. You're a guy kind of like myself where you just make your judgments on what you're looking at, what you're reading, what you're hearing. More people are just either one or the other, and I don't get that. How can you not have some opinions one way and some another? Well, yeah, I call him like I see him, and I just happen to,

I don't know how you can look at what the Dems are for and be for any of that shit, whether it's shutting down free. What's that? You know what my dad would have done to me if I said I was going to skip school to walk out? And I would have got my ass kicked, and he would have told my teachers to kick my ass if I even think about it. Your dad was a motherfucker, huh? I mean, kids just walking out of school, I don't get it. Whether you're Republican or Democrat, when did in this country we not be able to tell kids what to do? We're the adults.

Yes. Well, I'll tell you when. When the new age psychology took over back in the 40s and 50s, started out fucking west, that new age psychology, where you're best friends with your fucking kid, and it seems like the left has grabbed onto it, and they still believe in that horse shit. And you're absolutely right um we you know we're making policy based on kids who are traumatized yeah it's uh you know it is what it is you know 18 year old kids are in high school crying and moaning and leaving and six months to a year from now, they could be in Iraq shooting people. I mean, come on. All the little bad things happen in life.

You've got to toughen up and get through. Well, no, I'm not. That's not my take on these. No, I'm not saying that's your take, and I'm not even saying that's completely mine. It's just overall, not just that subject. I think we need to toughen up a little bit in this country. You know, these Dems go from telling everybody, say what you want, free speech,

now it seems like you say anything close to against them and you get your head ripped off, lose your job. What happened to Louis C.K.? It's just ridiculous. Yeah, well, that's why I don't, I call them like I see them and the left is way, they

are so out of touch right now. And it's fun. It really is. It's fun. It's fun to watch. All right, Bri, hey, thanks for the call. Okay, yep. You got it.

You know, my buddies and I, we love you. Just keep doing it. Thank you, brother. Take care. All righty. Yeah. I don't know. What were we talking about?

We're recapping the weekend and then jumping to the weather topic. I wanted to get this. Well, let's real quick. Ed has some news on the new gun control bill going through Congress, but it's not. It's not a lie yet, apparently. Ed, what is it exactly? Hello? Yeah, go ahead, Ed.

Hey, how's it going, Dick? What's happening? The Chippewasen Army strikes again. Yes. It's terrific. What the fuck does that even mean? No one gives a shit, I don't think. I don't either.

Do I have to put it to sleep, that Chippewasen Army, myself? How dare you people uh ryan in new york uh saw me and fiori and clayton on friday hey ryan thank you for coming out hey thank you for showing up in clayton appreciate it i just want to say thank you for showing up in Clayton. I just want to say thank you. Yeah, it was fun. Do you live up there right on that river? I do. Man, what a beauty. It must be unbelievable in the summertime, huh? Yeah, it's better in the summer.

And sorry they didn't serve alcohol there. I was pretty pissed off. Oh, don't worry. I had my own alcohol, but I felt bad for you guys. I can't imagine watching me without alcohol. No, but laughed my ass off, enjoyed the show. Thank you, Ryan. And we'll be back.

Thank you, yeah. You can tell your other comedian friends. Okay, thanks. I don't want to. My bad. What's the fucking hurry, Fiore? I thought he was done. That was the producer cutting you off, right?

Yes, me. I apologize. Fucking strewns. Mark in San Diego says, I played that flight all wrong. No, I didn't. You weren't there, Mark. I played it just right.

Go ahead. No. Oh, come on, Nick. Now that the Nick is right, tour is blowing up and you're going to be flying from coast to coast and being on birds as much as me. That's what we call the terminal cakewalk. Dude, you served it up for you. Why did you not take it home? Yeah, that's spoken like a real Latino who would just pork anything and have 11 kids. She was a white hillbilly. Hey, hey, hey, hey, Nick, I'll tell you this. You can tell I'm a good Catholic boy because I never wear a bag, but the Lord is my condom.

I shall not want, you know? What the fuck? That's going to fly good with a conservative. Comparing, uh... Comparing... Literally comparing God to a scumbag. Dude, you can't fuck as many white girls in Kentucky as I did and walk away unscathed without the Lord's blessing.

Okay. Thanks, brother. All right. See, Mark. What's he talking about? He had more pussy by seventh grade than him. Show you my pictures. I had a six-pack when I was 11.

My dad had me juicing. I forgot about her for a day me too we had such good time at the uh no you're right but yeah pure florida let me get to this real quick uh this this uh democrat lawmaker he's on the whatever council in dc i don't know what the fuck it is um but his name is trayon white senior the video shot through the windshield of his car driving down the freeway sky is gray snow flurries fall and and white that's him then warns everyone by the way who's black if you didn't get the name trayonayvon White. That's a combination of Trayvon and Tray. I don't know where they get this shit.

White then warns everyone about the Jews and their ability to control the climate as a means to create natural disasters that in turn allow them to own cities. What the fuck? There's something wrong with the black man's mind! There's something wrong with his mind! So they can control cities. No, they're ignorant. That's ignorant.

Oh my goodness gracious. You see Chuck Schumer and his brother scheming. We're going to create a hurricane that'll knock the shit out of Chattanooga. And then we'll buy up all the property. But this is his quote. I'm reading him. Okay.

Man, it just started snowing out of nowhere this morning, man. Y'all better pay attention to this climate control, man. This climate manipulation, White warns. And D.C. keep talking about we a resilient city and that's a model based off the rothschilds controlling the climate to create natural disasters they can pay for so they can pay for to own the cities man be careful did you hear that but did you hear the ghetto language that's a elected official have we lowered the standards in this country enough well you can't tell a fucking councilman from a rapper seriously have we lowered the standard you know the founding

fathers were actually spokesmen well spoken well read and oh god but again a democrat Oh, God. But again, a Democrat. And do you hear any Democrats calling this guy out? By the way, you know who the Rothschilds are? A wealthy business dynasty descended from Mayor Amschel Rothschild, a famous Jewish banker who got his start in the mid-1700s. Yeah, he used to do the weather on Channel 9. Do the family's... Cigarettes.

Due to the family's vast success, wealth, and business power, the Rothschilds are regularly smeared by anti-Semitic conspiracy theories, the usual anti-Jewish tropes about the controlling the world's wealth, starting wars, and now the fucking weather. Let's throw it to saul over the fucking satellite get this through your head get this through your head you jew motherfucker you unbelievable the democrats remember the the girls that organized the march they were they were farrakhan fans. The women's march.

But you don't hear a peep, do you, on all the channels? Think Rachel Maddow I'll be talking about tonight? So don't tell me about Fox being slanted one way. Imagine if a white dude even implied this. Trayon Weiss Sr. Sickening. 866-969-1969.

Back after this. I couldn't handle it about the woman with the bloating and the swelling. Jesus. Every night, I take my sock off real slow. I'm like,

I don't know what... I'm afraid to see what it's going to be, what shape it's... But it's spilling over into the front of my shin. I got about a quart and a half of fucking vodka in my right leg. Anybody want to tap this thing?

Stick a tap in my cap. It's like a bottle of Avion. I can't wait. Don't eat sodium. What the? There's sodium in everything. Isn't there? I know beef jerky. Fior we're dry i get a out of the 1900 things in the gas station and there's like there's four rows of protein bars

and shit and i'm like oh look at big red's beef it's like fucking chewing on bark i look at the sodium content literally it's like 17 million milligrams per chew oh my aching stem i'm telling you i was trying to think of a fat guy i couldn't even reference a fat guy or girl i don't want to go back to the Hillary thing again. But, yeah, I'm going Thursday to find out. Then, you know, you Google it and you go WebMD and you start shitting your pants. Oh, it could be a sign of kidney failure. Liver failure.

My liver enzymes were elevated the last time I went to the doctors a little bit. And he said, I want you to come back, you know, and have them test. And I didn't. Because you got to get me more excited than that. You know what I mean? I'm going to see back You know And have him tell you And I didn't Because you gotta get me More excited than that You know what I mean I gotta see a little bit Of panic in your eyes I'm not gonna fucking

Take time out of my day To sit in your waiting room You're 45 minutes late You know what I mean Well they're a little elevated Well I gotta hear You know what They're a lot elevated

You know That's what I gotta hear You got the You have the liver of Billy Martin The day before Then I might go Uh oh We should have that checked

There has to be some Urgency there You can't get me back Well you know But now I'm thinking That's coming back to me And the left leg is a little You know

I have it on both legs Obviously In both legs It's fucking weird I guess my dancing days are over. I'm like Johnny Sack's wife. What was her name? Jeannie.

Jeannie? Jeannie. Jeannie Kusamano. Jeannie. Jeannie Kusamano. Oh, Jeannie? Yeah. Jeannie.

Jeannie. Jeannie. I'm going with Jeannie. But he goes like this Remember She walking away She had those Shitty nylons That I'm wearing

What is it Jenny That's Kusumano Talking about It's Johnny Sachs girlfriend No Johnny Sachs wife The fat fuck The horrible actors

She passed away In real life Brenda's dying over there The fat fuck. Well, there's... Oh, yeah, I got confused. Yeah, her. She's walking away.

She's like, poor thing was huge. But Johnny said, eh, she's quite a hoofer. Quite a hoofer in her day. Like she's a great dancer. Do you remember when he caught her? He left the house, he came back, he forgot his whatever, he goes downstairs and she's on her knees

with a box of candy. And he starts yelling at her. Remember? John, did I ever once say you should get on those dealer mail cards? Ginny. Ginny.

Yeah. John, why are you so mad? You fucking lied to me! You lied to me! Those Daily Mail cards! Just coming out of a mobster's mouth. She's got like nine Kit Kat bars, like

eleven Zagnuts in front of her. She's got... I'm not... The poor lady passed away in real life But uh She's the one that got They had that cattle call Over New Jersey

Oh here you go Here we go Jen Jesus you scared The shit out of me What are you doing? I thought you left I forgot the sweater

What are you doing on the floor you left. I forgot the sweater. What are you doing on the floor? Nothing. I was getting the laundry together. She's hiding it under the clothes. It kind of broke my heart. See the look on her face? John.

What the hell is this? I thought you were on the Atkins. I was. I am. It's hard, John. I'm trying. This is how you try? I'm not out of the house ten minutes? I was dizzy. I was having low blood sugar. What happened to the fruit salad, then?

You were the one who was supposed to quit smoking and didn't. That contains an addictive substance. What's wrong with you? Why are you yelling at me? Did I ever ask you to go on a diet? Did I ever ask you to be thin for me? The fasting, the Nutrisystems, those goddamn deal-a-meal cards? What's the world, John? Our culture? What the? You have any idea what you've done?

What do you mean? You lied to me. You lied! I know I've can't wait these last few years. What have you done? What do you mean? You lied to me. You lied. I know I've can't wait these last few years. I see the other wives, the way men look at them. Don't I look at you like that? She's crying gravy. Haven't I always?

It was your idea. It was dieting nonsense. I want you to be proud of me. I am proud of you, sweetie. Proud of you. I love you. Now have a carrot! I love Vince Caratola.

Caratola. I always say it wrong. Those goddamn Dillamale cards! Coming out of a mobster's mouth. Let's go to Kev in New York. He's been on there for a while. Kev, what's happening? Hey, Nicky, are you moonlighting?

I mean, go put on your little orange hot pants after work, and you got your Hooters hose on. That's what it is. I'll take a picture of a beard, a couple dozen hot wings. Kev, you got it. That's where I know those shiny nylons from. I'll take a picture of a beard and a couple dozen hot wings. Kev, you got it. That's where I know those shiny nylons from. You're right, Hooters.

Yeah, you got your Hooter hose on. Yeah, Hooter hose. Down south, in the southern Hooters, they don't have bare legs because they're tanned. But you go to Hooters in Buffalo and they're wearing bulletproof nylons. I love you, buddy. All right, Kev. Talk to you later. Take it easy. He nailed it.

That's what I was thinking. You know what I'm talking about? Perfect color. Shiny. They look like pennies. I mean, for the... Anybody with a dama out there? How about just a fat broad, Colin?

Fat guy. Anybody who just retains water around the... I'm sure I will. I'm saying... And you probably won't. My buddy was obese his whole life. He's got low cholesterol. Never had a hemorrhoid in his life.

Unbelievable. I'm saving the marijuana mom story for tomorrow. How about the, uh, how about the engineer that, uh, told FIU there was a crack in that bridge? Left a voicemail. Hear that over the weekend? Yeah. Engineer reported cracks on a pedestrian bridge, blah, blah, blah. W. Denny Pate, a lead engineer with the Fig Bridge Group.

I don't want to, I don't like the name fig for a bridge building company, dry fruit. Uh, W Denny Pate, a lead engineer with the fig bridge group behind the 14.2 million construction product left a voicemail message for a Florida department of transportation employee.

Two days before the bridge crashed onto a busy roadway, killing six people, injuring 10 others. However, the message was left on a landline while the FDOT, that's the Florida Department of Transportation employee, was out of the office and the information was not relayed until Friday. Anybody check their messages? How many people are going to hang for this huh um so uh we've taken a look at it and uh obviously some repairs or whatever will have to be done but

from a safety perspective we don't see that there's any issue there that was the end of the message he left yeah how wrong were you miami-dade mayorade Mayor Carlos Jimenez said that crews were conducting a stress test on the bridge at the time, even though the FDOT said it was not aware of the test and did not issue a request to shut down all eight lanes. Oh, my God. Just people dropping the ball everywhere. It's like watching the 72 Patriots offense. This is horrible. I mean, a lot of people gonna hang the fdot also met with pate shortly

before the collapse and placed the blame on the design build team and a statement issued on friday here we go with a finger pointing fig and the fiu design build team never alerted fdot of any life safety issue regarding the fiu pedestrian bridge prior to collapse of statement right. So here we go. And to the lawyers and what a horrible situation. John in Missouri, what's going on, Johnny? Hey, I'm a fat fuck. Does that count?

You're a fat fuck. Oh, I'm a fat fuck, man. 6'1 and 380. 6'1, 380. That's pretty heavy. Do you have any edema problems? No edema problems, but I do have the sweet blood, as the brothers call it. Oh, diabetes. What was the last part? I'm sorry.

High blood pressure. I'd give you another six months if you don't watch it there, Johnny boy. And you're right, man. Every fucking thing has got sodium in it. I mean, a piece of gum's got sodium in it. I know. That's why I don't swallow that shit. I like

to drink Gatorade, too. You know, the sugarless Gatorade. Well, it's actually a sugar, but a less amount of sugar. But even that's like high in sodium. I drink about five of those in there. And, you know. But you don't have any... I have something called pitting.

You push... I'll show you later after. You push into my shin and it leaves a dent. Look, everybody's laughing at me. This is serious shit. It's called pitting. Well, they call that homosexuality. Oh, Johnny.

Oh, Johnny, for Christ's sake. He said shin. Shin, not shit. My shin. Oh, get your... Guys always think about chocolate cake. All right. Hey, you know, we're talking about fat fucks.

I want all of you to enjoy your cake. All right. Hey, you know, we're talking about fat fucks. I want all of you to enjoy your cake. So, enjoy. What? What do you think old Bill Clinton's thinking about thinking

thick-ankled dog face breaking a hip, breaking a wrist, all this shit. Is he hoping she dies soon? Did she break a hip? Nah, but she's going to. Oh, yeah.

He doesn't care. He's hoping it's her neck. Oh, hell no. I hope that Uma Abedin goes along with her. I hope... Watch Hillary goes missing, you know, like all the

client bills behind it all. These people getting whacked. We're going to hear about Hillary. They're going to find her in the woods at Chappaqua. Behind the rock. You did the good work.

All right, thanks, John. With a box of Twix. You see the Fignotons and Twix? Ginny had good taste. Scott in Tennessee sells cardiovascular drugs and he thinks he can diagnose me. Scotty boy, what do I got here? Hey, man, first of all, I could listen to you all night.

Thanks. Thank you. Secondly, hey, are you on any blood pressure, man? No. My blood pressure's perfect. Oh, well, that's great. That means, okay, that's a good thing. Well, what they're probably going to do is put you on a loop diuretic, which is basically a water pill is what they're going to call it.

It just lowers your volume of blood, so you'll just pee out excess liquid and whatnot. And it'll probably be called LASIKs, and it works like a champ, so you really don't have to be worried. So, I mean, I've been to the doctor a few times for this, and this has never been brought up. Well, you probably really need to see a cardiologist, to be honest with you. Well, no, that's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. And I saw a cardiologist, and they did the whole, I forget, I always confuse the CAT scan up the leg to look for. No, they did a cath.

Yeah, yes. Yeah, no, you know, to look for. No, they did a calf. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. No, you're probably fine. Some people just have edema. It's no big deal. It's called fetal edema. Some drugs do it, like calcium channel blockers do that.

Some people just have it naturally. My aunt and my grandmother had it, and they just put them on a loop diuretic, and Lasix, it's an oldie but a goodie, but it works like a champ. I'm surprised they haven't done that already. My fiori's laughing his balls off because you said my aunt my grandmother i'm being thrown a little um with some women in their late 70s you know what's good you know what's good no but i wanted to hear that i wanted to hear that hey this is just common in some people. Because even this, like, young nurse, when I went a couple months ago, this young girl in her 20s, she goes, she pulled it up.

She showed me her leg was a little, and, you know, so I'm glad, yes. So I'm glad. They'll have you wear compression stockings for a little while until the loop diuretic kicks in. And then what, a hoop skirt? The demon goes down. You know what? That was actually a helpful call, Scott. Thank you.

Okay, cool. You got it, buddy. All right, man. Peace out. Thanks. That's what I was waiting to hear. But you got to be careful. You got to know fucking.

That's a little famous last words. Oh, that's very common in a lot of people. Cut to me on a Delta flight Clutching my chest Fiore's behind me laughing his balls off Thinking I'm kidding And then they're wailing me off the plane And I have these two giant calves sticking out of the blanket They have my body covered with a blank

You know blanket sheet Jesus I can't find the words tonight I only have to lay off the sauce Maybe that's half the problem I'll show you the pitting I don't want to do it I'm going to let you push into my Here's the other thing I get kicked in the shins

Playing football in high school I was chasing a kid I dove to tackle him from behind his cleat came up took took chip to my chip the little yeah a chip in my shin to this day sometimes i bang it or somebody touches it i'll you know i'll almost go out it's it's still and that's sort of where where all the fluid is. Hope it's not infected. Cut to me and these legs are getting bigger. I'm in those hoes.

You remember when Ginny fell out at the wedding? She passed out. Her legs are up in the air. She had those. Yeah, yeah. That's why. She had the fucking stockings on that I'm wearing. Fiore's eyes lit up.

My grandmother, my aunt. Fiori's eyes lit up. My grandmother, my aunt. Matt in Arizona has a comment on the drugs that we just mentioned. What is that, Matt? Hey, Nick, you know, you ever hear of a piss like a racehorse? Yeah. It's because they give racehorses Lasix to open up their lungs when they run.

So you better figure out that bathroom situation in the office, or else you're going to miss half the damn show. I don't piss. Here's my other problem. This is why I got a little... I could drink three quarts of water. I don't... Very weak stream. But then again, I'm in my late 70s.

It's like a fucking broken shower head. It's just not what I... You know, even when I have to piss bad, it doesn't come out that hard. What is that? My prostate's fine, by the way. That's a prostate situation. No, I checked it. I looked in the mirror today. It looked beautiful. Pink and orange.

That's a... Yeah, that's a dangerous angle to see that in the mirror. That's a good point. So, okay, I'll tell the doctor I don't want the racehorse pills. Yeah, good luck with that. All right. You're going to need a catheter, too.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I order those on Fox News, by the way. They sell them by the box. All right. Thanks, Matt. Yeah, that and the MyPillow. Enjoy. Yes.

All right. Take it easy. All right. See you. All right. Yeah, well, I wanted to hear that. Maybe it's just All right. See ya. All right. Yeah. Well, I wanted to hear that. Maybe it's just common to people, but it's fucking weird.

All the jumping around I do and didn't, you know what I mean? You think all the P90X shit and all that, that I would have had it like all the time, but I didn't. Maybe I'm just hitting the sodium too much. I eat 11 to 12 Slim Jims before I go to bed. And then a bag of Cheetos. You think that's a...

Look, there's Cooper Anderson. That's what I call. Look at him. I just want to mess his hair up. Peter Schweitz has got another book coming out. He's the guy that wrote Clinton Cash.

This guy, I don't know how he gets his... And it's real. It's not like the shit that came out of Trump. You know, when we talk alcohol and edema and shit, there's somebody we can always go to for the opinion. That would be a buddy, Len in Idaho, who right now I'm guessing he's in the back of a cab of an 18-wheeler on the side of a highway.

He's got about 41 Keystone light empty cans around him, and he's happy as a pig of shit. Oh, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. They're pouring out of the truck, Nick. Goddamn. Every time I open this door to piss, they just pour out. I can't believe it.

How the fuck are you? Oh, that dirty cocksucker. I'm doing believe it, man. Well, how the fuck are you? Oh, that dirty cocksucker. I'm doing all right. How you doing? I'm doing pretty good, man. Man, what the fuck's up with Florida, man? First, we have the shooting where they have all the goddamn early warnings. Yes.

For the shooting to happen. And then we have the bridge where the engineers are calling and saying we might have a problem. What the fuck? Is that the state or the feds? You know? Yes. No, it's, well, it's incompetence

and complacency, which I don't think is relegated to the state of Florida. It's pretty much our society today, including me. Some days I mail it in, like tonight. And people just, you know, people get complacent. They just look forward to that weekend.

They want that check, get through Monday through Friday. But some people have jobs that could cost you your lives, so you have to be a lot more responsible. And you're right. Florida's getting hit hard here with a couple of things where people were not doing their job. And it cost people's lives. But it's not relegated to the state of Florida, I'm sure. But I'm not going to go there anytime soon. Well, you know, if the feds have anything to do with it, it's going to be a debacle.

Yes. You know, that's always the case. That usually is the case. What did Reagan say? He's like, if somebody knocks on your door saying, I'm from the government and I'm here to help, run. But I tried that. I ran right into the wall in the kitchens. So I always held that against Reagan. I broke my nose and a toe

and I should have answered the door. Lenny, I got to run. It's the end of the show. Be safe out there. Always, Nick. Hey, man. Thanks again. Keep it going, man. All right. Thanks. Do I have time to do the dates?

Yes. Yeah? Hey, this weekend, me and a few of y'all Do I have time to do the dates? Yes Yeah Hey this weekend Me and a few Are going to be at the Palma Opera House Cuba, New York On Friday night

Saturday night Cohoes Music Hall Cohoes, New York And then March 30th The Regent Theatre Arlington, Mass March 31st Tarrytown Music Hall

Tarrytown, New York April 6th Red Hook Brewery Portsmouth, New Hampshire April 7th The Bardabon In Poughkeepsie, New York April 13th The Paramount Theatre Rutland, Vermont April 6th Red Hook Brewery Portsmouth, New Hampshire April 7th the Bardaban in Poughkeepsie, New York April 13th the Paramount Theatre Rutland, Vermont

April 14th Barrington Stage Company in Pittsfield, Mass April 20th Cortland Repertory Theatre Cortland, New York April 21st Steel Stacks Bethlehem, PA April 27th Majestic Theatre Podsville, PA

April 28th the Kirby Center Wilkes-Barre pennsylvania and then may 4th jonathan's in a gunkwit maine and the following night may 5th the final night of this leg schubert theater new haven connecticut thank you to all the callers this evening uh and um i don't know we going to do it again tomorrow night. But remember, kids, you guys think it, I'll say it. You're welcome. Good evening, America.