The Nick DiPaolo Show - 224 - Colbert's Easter Show

Episode Date: April 3, 2018

Colbert's Easter Show

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com. Oh, yeah. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It's a Monday. The fifth one this week. Monday, Monday, Monday. How are you? 866-969-1969. 866-969-1969.

Quick thanks to Dennis Paul, Daniel Pamatuan, Kevin McArdle with a big fat contribution to the Nick DiPaolo podcast. If you want to subscribe to that, go to connectpal.com slash Nick, connectpal.com slash Nick. $3.99 a month, five shows a week. We take the two hours here and boil it down to an hour for people who don't have serious and people who are still signing up and contributing on top of the $3.99 a month, if you feel. And believe me, I could use it.

Right now, I'm wearing 12-day-old underwear and a pair of red leather shorts that I used to wear in the 80s to high school. It used to get me a lot of snatch. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Interesting weekend. Thank you so much to the great people

of Arlington,achusetts on friday night the regent theater it was tremendous and then my favorite venue even though i was picking on it this is why i wear i and i do this all the time i make fun of the venues i'm in even at tarrytown music hall is as sweet a little venue as you're going to find. And thank you people for coming out on Easter Eve. It was great. It's just an awesome venue. And the mic cut out a couple times, so I made a few jokes. But people in this business, folks, are very sensitive.

It's why I don't belong here. When I say this business, I mean stand-up, that type of world. It's all kids who get picked on and fat-shamed, all that shit. They all run the show business. I personally had a good time in high school. I used to give people wedgies and noogies and fucking poke people in the eyes. And I just happened to be funny at the same time. So I've never been welcome in this business. Let's be honest.

But when you go to a local theater like this, that's who runs it. You know? A chick with a fucking glass eye and kind of a Sarah Sanders Huckabee look to them. And guys who weigh about fucking 106 soaking wet. And I can sense once the show's over, like, oh, this guy stands for nothing. But that doesn't matter. The people who paid to get in. And yeah, some of them drove a couple hours, had a few of those both nights.

And it is such a pleasure to be performing in nice theaters, and, you know, God bless comedy clubs, it's how you develop and stuff, and who knows, I could be back there in two months, but I'm just saying, to not be in a green room and, you know, fucking hear the noise of drunken idiots pouring into the funny bone. And it's nice when people pay real money, you know, no coupons. Uh, and they come in and they sit and they listen. And, uh, it's just a nice big stage most of the time with a curtain. That's all I want. And Tommy Nicky, God bless him, shows up at every gig. And it's been so... We're already this week coming.

We'll be at the Red Hook Brewery in Portsmouth, New Hampshire on Friday night and then Saturday night, April 7th, the Bottom On Opera House in Poughkeepsie, New York. That's halfway through the tour already. Frightening. See, I'll be dead in minutes.

Next week, the tour continues on Friday, April 13th at the Paramount Theater in Rutland, Vermont. The next night, Saturday, April 14th, the Barrington Stage Company, Pittsfield, Mass. Go to nickdip.com for all the tour info, ticket information. And I have a store there. If you want to get CDs, DVDs, hats, T-shirts, it's all at nickdip.com. But really fun gig. Both of them. And it's just, there's nothing funnier than smoking a cigarette in the alley after you're done.

Buy a dumpster. They all look the same, every fucking gig. A dumpster and, I don't know. It was funny. Easter Eve at Tarrytown had that Easter feel to it. The audience was a little, took me a while to crack them a little bit. But, uh, I wasn't all there mentally either. But the beauty of leaving my house i go on ways

this is why i'm a spoiled breath though i go on you know last week and we were in cuba new york that was literally 360 something miles or whatever away i put in tarrytown musical from my house it's like uh 14 minutes and uh oh my god Was Was home by like Five or ten Even after shaking hands With people I mean with money In my pocket folks

That's all I'm asking for I'm not asking To be in the movies I'm not asking To be uh Craig Ferguson With his own Well when he had

His TV show I'm not asking To be Tom Cruise Roseanne Ba Just let me do this Sell some tickets Come see me live That's all I'm asking

And uh Yeah I cannot believe We're halfway through this friggin thing already The nick is right there It's flying 866-969-1969 michael imperioli of the sopranos he's got a new novel coming out and it sounds very freaking interesting um whole article always influenced by david, which is true. I always talk about the Sopranos in the show and I say what separates it is the

details, the little things, everyday things like Tony, even though he's an Italian, he's an Italian American, like taking Turkey cold cuts and dipping them in the Hellman's jar and shit like that. Seriously,

little shit like that. He's sitting there eating, uh, eating pasta, like, uh, on a workday at noontime. He came home for supper.

And his wife is rubbing her, putting her fingers through his hair like he's a little kid. Shit like that. Real life, almost, you know. That's what gives the show such depth. And the whole article was Imperioli's he never met a guy that worked you know and paid attention to such detail but he's got a novel debut novel coming i'll call uh the perfume burned his eyes uh it's imperioli's book follows a queen's teen named matthew as his shattered family moves from jackson heights to manh Manhattan where he finds an unlikely mentor

and a drug-addled Lou Reed of all people. Early reviews of Praise Imperioli for bringing mid-70s New York to life with celebrated novelist Joyce Carol Oates hailing his work as vividly imagined.

He's got a great imagination. He wrote the goddamn Pine Barrens thing and a few of the other... I mean, he wrote a lot of the episodes on The Sopranos. When it came to portraying Lou Reed,

Imperioli had some of the best source material. The pair had been friends since 2000. They'd exchanged letters and did philanthropic work together.

Imperioli, who also sings and plays guitar, even hung out with the former Velvet Underground frontman in the music studio. The actor knew he wanted to write a coming-of-age novel, but said he never thought to use Reed as a character until after the musician died of liver disease in 2013. He said initially it was just about the boy, the book, And then after Reed died, it just hit me. It was a moment of inspiration. What if this kid and Lou's paths crossed? I love Lou Reed.

I love Imperioli. I am all over this shit. We got to get him in here. Let's play some of the best of Imperioli as Christopher Down. This means turn it down. Right there. Right there. You can't do that?

You said the second one we couldn't do. All right, kill Lou Reedid you have to kill kalou oh that's right it's me all right to the boss here good maybe someone will smack some goddamn sense into him great my own mother you you he played a very charming sit down sit down hate you get off me you fucking whore yeah that's it go home get my dinner ready what a pleasant what a pleasant oh so you could do it no i just didn't think of it before that oh my producer i'll tell you cocaine uh so that's that. I can't wait for that to come out.

It's in the next few days, right? That's going to be fucking great. Here's what he said about Lurie. Imperioli sees his novel as a homage to Reed, who could be a pretty prickly character, in quotes, but showed compassion, kindness, and generosity To those closest to him Like me Only not famous and not rich and not talented

Just like me But I met Imperioli a couple times In Vegas we did the wise guy show Or something you know A lot of the Sopranos guys were there And Imperioli and Sharippa hosted it And I did stand up and and then

a couple weeks later i get a uh you know what a voicemail on my phone hi nick is michael imperioli i almost shit myself maybe a few months after i should say he wanted for me to do some play with him but it was about two like vaudeville comics like set in the 50s or whatever and the dialogue was literally just me and the other guy but there would be four pages of dialogue yeah exactly i was like uh you know the last time i acted i think i said hello on uh suddenly susan as she was going out there that's the the extent of a, I had done a few things. But, I mean, I was flattered that, I saved the voicemail forever, but I think I somehow, because I love Imperioli.

So I was flattered, but I could not handle that. I told him I had work or I had to do stand-up. I couldn't afford not to take a few, but I could have not. It was, you know what I mean? Alan Aldo would have struggled. work or i i had to do stand-up i couldn't afford not to take a few but i could have not it was you know i mean alan aldo would have struggled it was like you know five pages at a time of of you know looking into a mirror and talking to yourself and shit like real i mean stuff that paul moment would have struggled with i'm like yeah I have the chops of Larry Storch of F Troop. 866-969-1969 is the phone number. Where do we go?

We got Luke in Los Angeles on line two. Luke, how's your onions? The biggest question I have about that book is, does anyone call anyone a lukeyak? I'm guessing chapter three, I think. Lou Reed's mother gets a little mouthy with Matthew. Have that one called that one a lukeyak. Luke just hit the funniest part of it.

Have that one called that one. That made me fucking belly laugh. Doesn't that sound like a good book, Luke? I'd read the fuck out of it. Yeah. I didn't have to go that far, but... Yeah, I got excited. All right, anything else, fella?

Yeah, I'm out here in L.A., and I don't know if you ever heard of Nerd Melt Comics. It's... What is it? It's called Nerd Melt Comics. It used to be where... What's his name? Did the Nerdist podcast, Chris Hardwick?

Yeah, no, I tend to ignore that type of anything with nerd in it, but go ahead. Well, it was a home base for comics that we love, like Kumail Nanjiani and Cameron Esposito, real funny people. But it's closing, along with a lot of these other places that are just like liberal echo chambers where no free speech or any kind of free comedy is allowed yeah and it just cracks me up that shit like this and like cso and ios just closed because these places they're more concerned with like exclusivity and having uh you know uh diversity than actually having fucking funny people well hold on hold on let me push back on the cso thing thing. I disagree with CISO.

I mean, they had me on and Doug Stanhope and some liberal people, but they made an effort, I think. CISO did, no? Well, I think they started cramming a lot. Look, I know that Cameron Esposito was on there, and she was constantly tweeting about how diverse her staff and shit was. It's like, yeah, aren't they fucking funny? Because they weren't. Right. I don't i don't know maybe so you can argue but it's just funny that places that use

like meritocracy based and hire actual funny people like the store and the laugh factory and the fucking mellows improv are going strong and all these new liberal fucking bastions of uh you know pc safe space bullshit uh just go under it's great well yeah and los angeles is sort of the fucking ground zero for that horse shit. So, I mean, eventually the comedy store will go that way, too. But, yeah, no, you're right. And as far as the liberal radio never worked, they tried Radio America, whatever, with Marin and Janine. And this shit just, like you said, it's an echo chamber. It's people saying what they think they're supposed to say and not what they're really feeling, like this show.

Luke, good call. Talk to you later, buddy. Love you. I'm going to turn the heat down. It is warm. Yeah, I got a fucking sty under my left eyelid. It feels like I have a fucking, somebody left a branch in there. Oh, it's just red and weepy and,

not weepy, but it's, I got the, sort of, like I said, the Sarah Huckabee Sanders thing gone. It looks a little, 866-969-1969. I'll talk about whatever you guys

want to talk about tonight. I am, I'm just, the fucking news is just recycled horseshit. I'll get to the teens who like to pull condoms through their sinuses that's the new one because the tripod thing was stupid so and uh this headline made me laugh five shot during incident sunday night at underage rap concert in mobile sound like a good idea to have any mature rap concerts, these shootings,

but let's give the fucking 15 and 16 year olds a chance to show their marksmanship. And then Stephen Colbert Easter Trump show. On Showtime, he's got this animated thing, and the episode on Easter said, how do grown adults still worship jesus and and

there's dick jokes trump doing dick jokes about the you know about god cutting off his penis the point being is can imagine i i just laughed that that's considered edgy on the left you know because there's there's one religion causing havoc all over the fucking globe but let's go after christianity because they're real hell-raised. What fucking horse shit? That's called fake fucking edginess. And you'll find plenty of it in comedy clubs like Luke just talked about. Remember fucking Rosie O'Donnell?

Remember that pit bull? Comparing Christians to fucking ISIS. 866-969-1969. 866-969-1969. 866-969-1969. Teens snort condoms then pull them through mouths and disturb new trends. And I, in all fairness,

I did this once. I was like MacGyver one night. I was with abroad years and years ago. And I had a condom in my pocket, but apparently it had been there for about a year and a half. It was completely dry uh i i had a condom in my pocket but apparently had been there for about a year and a half it was completely dry so i had a cold i ran it through snorted it through my nose i had a nice satisfaction pulled it out my mouth and that thing it was fucking lubricated beautifully slapped it on my tool so these kids i i wanted to yell at them at first But, I don't know, pulling a condom Inhaling

They inhale it This to me is kind of You know, it's not as ignorant as a tripod No, they're ignorant It's not ignorant, it's funny Good for these kids One of these kids that fucking does this He'll be at the laugh factory selling out

Before my 38 years of stand-up um because that's how it works in this retarded fucking world that we live in uh-oh retard alert retard alert um i'd like to hear from some people who uh i want to hear from some young kids who have done this at a party and ended up getting them laid. That's quite a trick. Who thought of that first? How bored are you? I know a lot of millennials take an oath of celibacy and shit.

They're not like we were, trying to fucking fuck our neighbor's dog when we were 14. They take an oath to celebrate but how bored do you have to be sitting home like on a friday night and go you just take a condom out of the package and just it's funny to watch i go there was there's a there's a comedian who was up at montreal like 15 years ago with me He was like the headliner, and that's all he did. He was like, he wasn't a magician. He was doing the shit after the show at Club Soda at the bar. He was pouring an entire thing of sugar in his nose, and then it would come out of his mouth completely dry.

It was the fucking weirdest shit. See if you can find, you know, put comedian nostril sugar. I don't know how you fucking Google that. But I saw this. It made me laugh online. Not Amazing Jonathan. No, no, no, no. Fuck no.

Amazing Jonathan would lay out a line, a fake line of Coke. I remember watching him at Nick's. It was like literally two and a half feet long and uh you know it was fake and he had this giant straw and he'd snort it but what what people didn't know he had like real lines of coke behind it it was the funniest goddamn thing he showed me like fucking between show just a maniac let's go to uh let's brian in New Brunswick. What's up, Bri? Hello, Mickey.

How are you doing? Pretty good. Good, good. Oh, you're a taller guy. Is he Canadian by any chance? No, but I am. Oh, he's a fucking nice guy. I thought he was from Canada.

Jesus Christ. He's one of us. No, you were saying before you were looking for ideas for the show. of an ace guy. I got to tell you this from Canada. Jesus Christ. It's one of us. But, you know, you were saying before you were looking for ideas for the show. I thought,

well, I'm a trucker and you got a couple others listening to you. I thought we could do an all truckers show. Guys calling in and telling stories.

Yeah, that sounds horrible. That sounds absolutely horrendous. I got to be honest with you, Brian. We can't, you know,

we could do that for 10 minutes, but, well, I got good stories. you, Brian. We can't, you know, we could do that for ten minutes, but, uh... Oh, I got good stories. I'm sure you do. I threatened a male prostitute, another time I got caught jerking off in a truck. That happened to me, and I'm fucking,

I'm a comedian. Oh, you did it on Steve's own. No, I didn't. I threatened a male prostitute, and then I got jerking off in and I had nothing to do with it. Yeah. Well, we'll take that into consideration. All right, man.

All right, Bri. Stay safe now. Dale in New Jersey, welcome to the show. How's your onion, Dale? What's up, Nick? What's happening? You're talking about it very early, so I don't know. I think probably the funniest scene in The Sopranos ever was Christopher's intervention.

Yeah, I just played a clip from it. Did you notice? No, I missed that. The only thing I'm talking about that like, it always sticks to my head. It's like when, what's her name? His wife goes, you were high at my mother's wake. And then Tony goes, my mother's wake. Jesus Christ.

That's right. That's right. And the other funny line was Sylvia going, I came into work early. Your head was in the toilet. Your hair was in the toilet water. Disgusting. It was like, just in defense, he was in the toilet. Your hair was in the toilet water. Disgusting. It was like, Justin's defense, he did have the flu.

Yeah, that's right. That kid did have the flu. But, Nick, I haven't called you in a while. Nick, go with me on this. The whole thing with Trump is, like, do you think it's officially happened now that the left, they're done, like, trying to go after him? Because after the Stormy Daniels thing like, do you really do you think it's officially happened now that the left they're done, like trying to go after him?

Because after the Stormy Daniels thing happened, did you notice that nobody gave a shit? Not even the left. They were like, yeah, CNN put it. And they're like, it is what it is. We're fucked. All right. He's going to be the president for eight years. What do you think?

Yeah. You know what, Dale? It's pretty good observation. I feel like it's it did fall off a cliff, that story. But CNN was like, I didn't see this, but I read an article saying CNN, like all weekend, they were bragging about JFK's extramarital affairs and, you know, what a cannonball he was in bed. And, you know, this coming on the heels of shitting all over Trump for having an extramarital affair. But they're bragging.

They're like high school kids. This is a fucking news network. They can't see that people go, what are you? Could you be any more hypocritical? It's just fucking, they're shameless, man. I think it's officially done. I don't know what they're going to come out with after this, but I was just kind of like, okay, I think you're officially wrong.

Good luck with the elections in 18. Yeah, I think you're right. I don't know. As long as the mainstream media leans left, they'll always be in the game. Thanks for the call, Dale. Appreciate it, buddy. All right, brother. I got a letter.

Ah, yeah. Mike in Reno. What's going on, Mike? Oh, not much. I'm talking about the same thing that guy was talking about. CNN shitting on Fox for having a bias almost exactly two weeks after interviewing a hooker trying to make Trump look bad. Yeah. I don't know. CNN calling anybody,

any other news organization biased is just fucking laughable on any level. And like, you know, if they take away, if they take, I pointed this out a while ago,

but the airports, how you're forced to listen to CNN. I've been complaining for years because I hate public televisions anywhere and in public spaces

that makes me nuts. But CNN,nn i mean if you took away those every every delta terminal has them i'd love to know what their real number was ratings wise uh 11 people the answer is 11 people it's even on my phone the fucking the stuff that's automatic on my phone is straight CNN bias. I know. How about when Yahoo News pops up? You're like, I didn't ask for your fucking left-wing opinion, you motherless fucks. Oh, fuck. Well, it's all fucked.

We're screwed. But at least we got you. Yeah, you're goddamn right, Mike. Thanks for the call, buddy. Oh, yeah. All right. 866-969-1969. Anybody snorting condoms?

What you're supposed to do is smuggle condoms, cocaine in them, then you pull them out of your ass, then you do the snorting. Maybe you don't even have to take them out now. You do the whole thing one shot. Ha ha ha. Um. One more before we go to break.

Josh in New Hampshire. Josh? Hey, Nick. You doing trucker stories? No, I'm not. I'm trucking. I'm on a three-day meth bender taking raw metal from Connecticut to San Francisco. Trucking.

Woo! Truck out of here. Raw metal from Connecticut to San Francisco. Trucking. Woo! Trucking. Raw metal from Connecticut to San Francisco. Woo! Oh, beautiful. Tell me, I hope you're building houses for the homeless out there, or toilets. We love you. All right, Josh.

All righty. You know what? He wasn't kidding. That guy had a meth vibe to him. Ross Steele from Connecticut. Oh, I hope they're building a crucifix for Nancy Pelosi. Let's take a break, because I feel like punching myself in the fucking throat three times. We'll talk about gonorrhea that you can't get rid of More good news in the world, huh?

I'm sure that didn't come over the border, right? We've been killing that shit with fucking Raid For the last 40 years But all of a sudden there's a super... Actually the article's a guy got it in England So who cares that fucking England That fucking 98% Muslim shithole of a country 866-969-1969.

Back after this. You're listening to the Nick DiPaolo Show. On Faction Talk, Sirius XM 103. I don't know. Stephen Colbert's Easter Trump Show. I guess he's got an animated show on Showtime. And they were, you know. Stephen Colbert's Easter Trump Show. I guess he's got an animated show on Showtime. And they were, you know.

The episode which aired on Easter Sunday was titled Church and State and depicts a fictional Trump grappling with his loss of support among evangelical voters. On an open mic he is heard committing the religious gaffe. And the line was, what's that Joseph guy, guy a putz or what clearly he wasn't taking care of mary's needs i mean if god knocked up my wife he'd never doink again i'd cut off god's penis trump says who said that who the fuck said that who's the slimy little communist shit twinkle toe cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant. Yeah, that would be Colbert or his writers or whatnot. But he's supposed to be a devout Catholic. So...

But I think his only religion is money, if this is what he's behind. Fucking... The point being, you know how cowardly fucking... There's one religion causing havoc around the world right now, and it ain't the fucking Christian one. It's such... This is fucking considered edgy. If you go down to the,

you know, the comedy clubs in Manhattan. Then vice, then vice, again, I can laugh at all this shit, but on Easter,

I mean, really? Couldn't do a little Islam fucking humor? Colbert, you might fucking what, end up with your head on kick down Broadway by Mahmoud Mohammed?

Then vice president Mike won's the president sir i think that's a hot mic trump does not believe him why is there a cold breeze on me tonight what the fuck has changed does this change on the air come warm whatever uh so uh pence says i think that's a hot mic trump does not believe him and the anti-christian incels continue you think you're a great you think your great-grandfather hunted dinosaurs that's what trump says to pence how do grown adults still worship jesus i mean where was jesus when the taj mahal was at a standstill with the unions which that's a funny line but the point being it's ballless make funny line. But the point being, it's ball-less! Make something, say something about the fucking Prophet Muhammad

on your cartoon. After the gaffe hits the news, Trump tells the public, don't believe the dishonest media. I would never cut off God's penis. This is Easter humor, by the way. Unless God, by the way, showtime. Again, would they ever put anything up?

Fucking just cowardly, spineless, motherless fucks each and every one of their goo-gobbling... Fucking... I would never cut off God's penis unless God begged me, like, please, son, slice off my dong. I'm like Jesus, only with twice as many prostitutes. Later in the show, Trump's

son decides to create the alternate religion of Trumpanity. God gets hit with a golf cart and Trump wins an Easter egg roll by cheating. Shut up! Shut, shut, shut, shut, shut up! Shut up! Br, shut, shut, shut, shut up! Shut up!

Brought to you by Stephen Colbert. You smug cocksucker. Fuck you. I mean, man, come on, man. Real ballsy, huh? Let's go to Brian in California, the last republican in the state he believes what's up nick hey bry i just wanted to touch base on some of this left shit that i'm starting to hear now where uh white folks apparently don't have to do anything because some rich man will come sponsor us and help us out. Makes me feel like I don't do shit.

And it's just part of their propaganda to kind of get other ethnicities on their side and kind of hoo-ha about their bullshit. What are we talking about exactly? You lost me at the beginning, Brian. I'm sorry. This whole thing with white entitlement, what I'm supposed to believe is because I'm white and I grew up in America, everything was handed to me. I didn't try for shit because apparently there's rich white males

that are powerful sponsoring people like me and helping me out. It's just another one of the left agenda things that I keep hearing about. You don't believe you're a white privileged male i don't no me either i mean i work 50 hours a week i paid for my education i didn't bitch about my student loans i just paid them off nobody did it for me no but see they'd go oh right there you fucking you had a job. Somebody helped you get a job.

And you had an opportunity to go to college. Even though you paid for it, you had the opportunity. That's what they'd come at you with. Like, you know, they have none of,

which is total horseshit. Maybe in 1948, none of this was, but it's all available to them now. And they're still crying. Fucking victimhood. So you're right.

Well, I mean, am I supposed to feel bad if my parents stayed together and didn't shit the bed? Yes, you are, as a white male. It's like, fuck, man. Don't let it get to you. Don't let it. You know what?

Bri, do what I do. Handle it the other way. I go, fucking, you rub it in their face. Go, yeah, I'm a fucking white male. It's great. Fucking enjoy your day at the shithole. I mean, enjoy it. Be the ass. If they're going to paint me as an asshole,

I'm going to act like one, which I've nailed that role pretty good on stage. Don't let it get to you, Brock. I won't, man. Keep up the good work, man. Take care, pal. Oh, for the love of, I mean I used to, but I love that I would love to hear that

I used to say, yeah, I'm making At the Comedy Salon be on stage I'm the white privileged male Hey, I'd go to a gnome or whoever's in the room What do we get paid for this set tonight? And what did Godfrey get paid? The same. I get the same as the black guy?

All right. Just want to make sure everybody realizes that. Don't let it get to you, folks. Do what I do. Go home and quietly go to the liquor cabinet. Here's what my guy, this guy Phil Toll I used to work with. He used to smoke like four packs a day. He was a phone salesman.

People would just send him money over the phone because his voice was like 19. It was the greatest voice. He was a stone call. We'd go out to lunch. He'd have five martinis and not even fucking feel it. It was like 19, it was the greatest, he was a stone cold. We'd go out to, you know, lunch. He'd have, you know, five martinis and not even fucking feel it. And he got divorced because of his drinking. And he told me, though, near the end when he was with his wife, he used to drink martinis when they were watching TV and she used to fucking bust his balls.

So he said, he told her he quit drinking. What he used to do, he'd buy jars of olives, dump the juice out, replace the juice with vodka, and then sit there watching a movie with his wife, pretending he's drinking the olive juice out of them. Which is fucking ingenious. I mean, old school. One of these guys, I bet you he'll live until he's 106. He had a sailboat, and he goes, yeah Yeah I'm going on vacation For a week He was going to sail down To St. Martin

Comes back six months later Like I don't know 40 pounds heavier Or just booze Love guys like that I look up to him The Andy Fiori's of the world That's a dangerous situation

Hey I don't like the law That I can't drive around with an open booze thing in my, even though I didn't drink out of it. If I ever, let's use an example, a bottle of Bacardi. They pull me over and that's my bad. And I haven't touched it. Right? State. State to state, I think still.

But New York is one of those states. Is it not? Yes. This fucking state that just, you know, still. But New York is one of those states, is it not? Correct, yes. This fucking state that just, you know, makes you wait eight years to get a handgun and can't have an open... Who the fuck's running it? Some nine-year-old broad on the... I was going to say on the rag, that made no sense. Paul in Mississippi.

Paul, how are you? I'm good. How are you, Nick? Pretty good. I was... I know it's... The screen still said about the gonorrhea thing. That's why I called good. How are you, Nick? Pretty good. I was, I know it's, the screen still said about the gonorrhea thing. That's why I called in. But, anyway, I was telling Brendan that you said before we shouldn't be going over to Southeast Asia

and doing all those broads over there. But when I'm sitting in the Indian Ocean for 120 days, surrounded by a thousand men, the first woman I see, she's going to get screwed. That's a good point, I guess, Paul. I don't know if I'd take a clean guy's ass or a filthy Indonesian vagina. I will not take a clean guy's ass. I've screwed women in Korea, South Korea, Thailand, Philippines, Japan, pretty much anything over in Asia, they got screwed.

And did you put condoms on? No. And you never got any? I'm going to feel the sensation. I'm going to feel the sensation. Did you get anything, Paul? Did you catch the drip over there? No.

I got BD from an American girl when I got back. Yeah, she was probably with some South Asian chick, Robin Klitsch. Oh, by the way, go Bruins. Gotta talk to all my Bruins. All my Bruins. All right, baby.

All right, Paul. Thank you very much. You got it, buddy. So, Paul, never got the... I'm guessing you're in the minority. I mean, they have films about it the minute you get in the military. And I don't think those guessing you're in the minority. I mean, they have films about it

the minute you get in the military. And I don't think those are English chicks in the films. Misha Horny! Misha Horny. Let's go to... Let's go to Mike in New York here. Facebook story. I don't even know what he's talking about.

Go ahead, Mike. Oh, yeah, sorry. I've been listening on demand. I haven't been know what he's talking about. Go ahead, Mike. Oh, yeah, sorry. I've been listening on demand. I haven't had a chance, so I'm just bullshitting. Yeah, we can't talk about shit that happened the last show, Mike. No, but it's important. But here's the thing, man. You talk about changing up a little bit.

Here's the thing, because I was interested. I was listening to Sam Rowe, who I love. But even him, as a white comic, he started kind of going like Liza Trigger on you. These comics I see, and he's a great comic, good brainwashing stuff. It's like ridiculous. I can personally hear him talking like, that shit he doesn't believe. He just saw

on news, saw it once in a while, and that's what he believes. And that's what the comics are becoming, even if good comics, because it's like they have to survive, in my opinion. Well, Sam grew up in Manhattan, so he grew up liberal, you know? So I don't say he doesn't believe that, but some of it was, like, when I told him that Facebook, you know, social media leans left and he didn't know, that's called, like my

buddy Colin Quinn says, willful ignorance is what it is. Yeah, I guess you don't want to know. But the thing I was trying to say, because the fact like that, they're coming after Mark Zuckerberg, that's a huge deal because he was supposed to protect Hillary, you know, and he didn't. So now it's like, let's blame him to make Trump look bad.

They're willing to go after Zuckerberg to take down Trump. That's how big of a deal it is in my opinion, because I know everyone kind of knew Facebook had some privacy stuff. I mean, whether how big you knew it was, that's just their business model. But now the fact that they're willing to expose it, they're willing just to take down Trump. That's the sole reason.

And that's kind of disturbing for me because who knows what they're going to do. They're going through, I'm trying to follow your logic, they're going to take down Zuckerberg to get to Trump? Well, the whole thing is that they're trying to relate that Facebook, this whole stuff about their privacy, people voted for Trump because they got tricked with data and stuff. That's their next play, in my opinion. So it's like, oh, so they're willing to not protect Zuckerberg anymore with his privacy shit because they think it's going to hurt Trump. That's my opinion.

And I think that makes sense a little bit. Yeah, well, I don't think Zuckerberg's going to hurt Trump. That's my opinion. And I think it makes sense a little bit. Yeah, well, I don't think Zuckerberg's going anywhere. He's one of those, I mean. Well, I mean, he lost, not that he needs it, but billions of dollars. If you think about it, it's a pretty big deal. I know. And then it rebounds fucking five months from now, you know, because somebody says something else. That's so weird, isn't it?

Who lost to, oh, Bezos and Amazon, you know? He lost, like, literally I don't know, $40 billion with a B. Yeah, that's right. Alright, Mike. Good call. Alright. You know, Zuckerberg. I think they're going to try to regulate all this shit. Whatever. But guys like that, where's he going?

What, are they going to put him in jail? What? Huh? See you at three o'clock, buddy, as my teacher would say, for an hour of detention. Fiore is glued to that Villanova fucking... You'd think he had money on it. I have heart. You got fucking heart. Your heart is blacker than my sister's napples.

I don't know what napples... Those are nipples and... Nipples and apple. Napple. What are you going to find my napples? Dave in Iowa. How are you, Dave? Hey, Nick. What's up, brother? Nothing. I'm all over the map tonight,

so I'm letting the... It's going to be Manic Mondays. You guys can decide. I'll just react to it. I'll make it entertaining and funny. That's the kind of... Okay. Well, you kind of touched on it. I was curious that these women have made such a big deal out of wage disparagement,

which I say it's probably a real thing, but in my world, it's not. You know, everybody makes the same, and I was wondering about the comedy deal. I mean, do they pay a female comic less just because she's a female? That's my question. I doubt that very much. In this business?

What, are you kidding me? Matter of fact, I know a few get paid better than I do. Then they're more famous than me. But no, Fiore can speak to that because he's on that level. They make 11 bucks a set. Go ahead. Yes, absolutely not. You get paid the same, right?

Of course. Yes. Yeah, no, Dave. Although, Dave, I was going to say, the Monique thing, right? Netflix only wanted to give her so much, and she went shithouse. But again, because it's based on a free market, and she was only going to draw so many eyes to the thing. What? I was going to say, that's the perfect example of quality demands.

Because she screamed racism. That's called a free market. She screamed sexism, but then she named two black guys and a woman. Right. Who got bigger money. That's called a free market. She screamed sexism, but then she named two black guys and a woman. Right. Who got bigger money. Bigger money than her.

Right. Yeah, the free market is, but, you know, the answer is no. All right, sir. All right, Dave. Next time be more funny. Be more funny, why?

I don't know. You make me follow, man. Yeah, well, I know, but Jesus Christ, Dave. Does that mean everything out of my mouth has to be a joke? Well, you said you were going to make it funny. Oh, I see. All right. Yeah.

Only the girls with big tits get plenty of money, Dave. All right. Take it easy. Fucking hazy. of big tits get plenty of money, Dave. All right, take it away. Fucking hayseed. Jesus, did I put that in writing?

The show was flying by, and then I fucking, I hit a mud puddle, and the car stalled. Nobody tell me this is a... Let me read a headline that made me laugh. Five shot during incident Sunday night at underage rap concert in Mobile. Why would you have a rap show, an underage rap concert?

Not to draw too many... You understand? The people who are of age doing enough violence when there's a rap concert. But let's let the 15 and 14-year-olds who are probably the fucking craziest. Shooting happened at the Grand Hall. Are we playing that on Nick's Right Tour?

I hope the fuck not. Shots were fired outside the hall around 10.40 p.m. during an event involving mostly teenagers. The event was advertised as a rap concert for high school students. How the hell? Why? I don't care if you think i'm drawing general i'm making generalizations how the fuck do you think that was going to go up without somebody going i've been

shot one guy shot himself they said seriously self-inflicted and then somebody else is like in critical five people struck by bullets and at least two more were hurt and a stampede of people trying to flee the shooting and get inside the building of the five shooting victims one person's injury was self-inflicted another individual who was i got so nervous because i'm gonna shoot myself uh and another individual who was shot by someone else is in critical condition police arrived at the scene around 11 p.m where they described seeing approximately 300 teenagers between the ages of 15 to 18 years old but nobody's mentioning i don't know what color these people are they haven't mentioned race in

this article once. Police Chief Baptiste acknowledged that the spring break timing may have been a factor. Oh yeah, that's what it was. Since children in Mobile would have been off Monday. You could have had that on Christmas Eve. Fucking Flag Day. Arbor Day. Fucking Halloween.

Easter. Maybe Halloween. Easter. Maybe it was Easter. But I like the police chief. He says, this is a plea to the parents. To be more vigilant. First of all, it says parents, plural, which is hilarious. To be more vigilant where their children are hanging out at. To be sure they are going into a safe environment.

Well, back in the day, going to a concert was a safe environment. That those established have safety protocols in place. Can you imagine being a parent, you're on the phone going, Hi, yeah, I'm going to send my son to the rap concert tonight. Do you have safety protocols in place? Do you have two protocols in place? Do you have two clearly lit exits? The parking lot was strewn with mostly garbage,

but evidence of the rush to escape the hall was clear. Clothing, footwear, cell phone cases, and charges could be seen on the ground outside the venue. At the rear of the parking lot next to a bar, a small bag of marijuana was found on the ground. You sure this wasn't the Pistons' locker room?

Shut up! Shut, shut, shut, shut, shut up! Shut up! I'm in move for Uncle Junior. Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. I guess I'll have to spread my legs now, she says. Why, he asks. Don't you have a vase? What I tell you, hold on to your cock when you negotiate with these desert people.

Oh, come on, Andy. No piling on. That's Uncle June. Yeah, I know. Gotta be steezy. We have to dole out our... I feel bad for the police chief. To the parents,

be more vigilant where your children are. So you're having a fucking rap concert with children. When are you not a child? Can I ask at what age? Seriously, I'm asking this seriously. What point? I mean, they're looking at point at age four, five. Matt in Arizona, what's going on, Matt?

Hey, Nick, you know, the worst thing about this shooting in Mobile is that it's going to go down, as far as the FBI is concerned, as a mass shooting. So it's just more ammo for the left wing. Yes, the anti-gun people. What's the definition of a mass? Four or more, Matt?

Yeah, I think it's three or four, yeah. Three or four. That's a Tuesday night in Chicago at a goddamn bingo game. Yep, exactly. But it happened in one location and probably with either one or two weapons. That's a good point. And they'll throw that in the category. Yep, that'll just get lumped into the mass shooting category.

Yeah. But hey, Nick, one more thing. One of the funniest goddamn things I've heard you say in my six or eight months of watching this show, the fucking, the chick from Notre Dame, the chick who hit the game-winning shot, when you made up a name for her, holy, I almost fucking pissed myself. Well, it was a very, I think it was like an African,

an African name, but let me tell you about that woman. She has ice in her veins. That's like two games. Oh, she is, yes. She's a cold-blooded murderer. I wouldn't go that far. Jesus. No, that's not Pai White. Oh, she's Irish.

She plays for the Irish, obviously. Rikki Ogunbowale. Bang. I was driving in my car. I swear to God, I almost pissed myself. It was fucking hilarious. What a shot that was. All right, Matt.

Thanks, buddy. Seriously, though. That fucking... She won two games at the buzzer like that. Again, shooting from her tits. Pretty sure I could slap it away. Anyways, ladies and gentlemen, this weekend, Red Hook Brewery, the Nick is right talking, continues at the Red Hook Brewery, Portsmouth, New Hampshire on Friday night. Saturday night, the Bar-De-Var in Poughkeepsie, New York.

The next weekend, the Paramount Theater, Rutland, Vermont. April 14th, the Barrington stage company in pittsville mass april 20th the courtland repertory theater courtland new york april 21st steel stacks bethlehem pennsylvania april 27th the majestic theater potsville pennsylvania april 28th the kirby center wilkes-barre pennsylvania and then may jon Jonathan's in a gun quit. Have you been in a gun quit? Beautiful. Beautiful area. It's like a predominantly gay hangout. And I spend from

June to August there just... And then May 5th, the Shuba Theater in New Haven, Connecticut, which I was told is already selling well. Go to nickdip.com for all the ticket information. And you can buy a podcast, hats, T-shirts, CDs, DVDs. Thank you to all the calls tonight.

You were great. You're the lifeblood of the show. Remember, kids, you think it, I'll say it. You're welcome. Talk to you tomorrow.