The Nick DiPaolo Show - 225 - The Masters

Episode Date: April 10, 2018

The Masters

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com. Oh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Of course, it's a fucking Monday. Ah, Monday. I'm telling you, there's five Mondays in a week And two Tuesdays That's how I see life I never wake up and go, ah, it's Saturday That happens once a year Even that's not fun now, knowing I have to do comedy

I'm a fucking lazy guy is what I'm trying to tell you people Good to be with you How's your onion? Big enough to make my eyes water? I bet it is, you big bitches Listen I want to thank the people that came out Friday night Good to be with you. How's your onion? Big enough to make my eyes water? I bet it is, you big bitches. Listen. I want to thank the people that came out Friday night. Portsmouth, New Hampshire, the Red Hook Brewery. Sold out. Not a huge venue. I'm not going to pretend here. But it was packed. And got to see my old college roommate, quarterback from University of Maine, Richie.

Used to make me laugh as hard as anybody, Richie Labonte. And my other buddy, Ricky Lamphere, who I went to middle school with, he has the same personality. He's got a computer company with like 80 people under him, but he has the same giggly, stupid fifth grade personality. Love him. Of course, his girlfriend was yapping throughout the show. I wanted to open her head like a ripe melon, but she was kind of cute, so I didn't. And she was

humping my leg after the show when we were taking pictures. And Ricky's just going, oh, my buddy Ricky with the gray beard. He looks like the most interesting man. You know the commercial that's Dos Equis? He's the most interesting man in lewiston maine gray hair gray beer and uh it was good seeing those guys and uh and then saturday night i gotta be honest with you didn't have that many people up at poughkeepsie that's because we've worked the market we've pounded that area pretty good but the bardovan is this old gorgeous theater you know it's huge it's way it's it's it's you know gaffigan should be playing there whatever But the Bardovan is this old gorgeous theater. You know, it's huge.

It's way, it's, you know, Gaffigan should be playing there, whatever, not me. But the people that came, it was my favorite show of the tour so far. It was just, there was no pressure. Tommy took off, the promoter before, because he's got another thing, the guy's so busy. And it was intimate, yet this huge huge theater and they fucking caught every word and i was so excited because i threw some new stuff in there i changed the order of some bits and it just flowed it meshed i was excited i go i cannot wait to fucking get home and listen to this i get home lay on my couch and i record with my iphone and i go to the fucking voice memo it's not there i never turn the recorder on i started the stopwatch like an

asshole and just i'm worried man you guys think i'm kidding my dad has alzheimer's and it's it's congenital i hear i'm telling you i'm fucking worried about my, I just left my goddamn phone here in the kitchen next to the pretzels. I got rock salt all over my iPhone. And a fucking salty apple. But that Poughkeepsie gig was my favorite of all of them. The numbers, it wasn't that, again, I didn't do any radio or anything. But they caught everything. The sound was great.

The big, huge stage, black curtain, just bare bones. It was fucking, and like Fiore said, there's pictures of Lou Reed in the green room and the people that played there. And I'm like, what am I doing here? I got to believe Mickey Dolenz is on the way. It was my favorite gig. Not to mention I made it home in 40 minutes. Down the Taconic with both feet on the gas pedal at 110. 866-969-1969.

866-969-1969. It's just why I got into comedy. It wasn't a comedy. It was a nice theater the people paid to fucking hear what you had to say and it just flowed beautifully and I was home with a little chunk of change in my pocket

I was home by fucking 10.30 earlier than that wait the show was at 8 we got done at about quarter yeah I was home about 10.30 I was in my 10.30. I was in my sweats and my fucking pizza-stained sweatshirt by quarter of 11. My hand on my balls by 10 of 11.

I looked like I lied at 11.06. It just... It just... It's... They had a parking spot for me up front. I'm very... You know. 866-969. Mark, relax about the response to the Syrian gas attack, will you? Can I set the agenda for my own fucking show?

Jesus Christ. The only response to that is a fucking gas attack on them. That's how I play. An eye for an eye? How about a barrel of chlorine for a barrel of chlorine? But no, the fucking media, whatever, we'll get to that in a few minutes. But I just enjoyed the weekend. Tommy Nicky shows up at the Red Hook Brewery. The guy he was dealing with actually quit or something at the Red Hook Brewery. Tommy luckily drives around with his own PA system.

Sets up the lights, the stage he's collecting money this guy's a man's man I'm looking at him, I couldn't organize my sister's birthday party this fucking guy throws a comedy show together sold out and still has time to pick us up a deli platter

on his own I'm just saying, some guys get it done I have the energy of a cancer patient in his late 70s. Nobody's calling because I haven't talked about anything other than my fucking weekend. Anybody watch the Masters? That's where I am, energy-wise. I watched it from two to the end.

And I know you didn't. But I can see why you're distracted. You got ranges eliminated. Yeah. By the way, my Bruins stunk it up last night. They had to play a makeup game. Them and Florida were the only team playing last night in the whole NHL. It was a makeup game from a snow out.

If the Bruins win, they win the division. And the conference, I'm guessing. Because, no? I don't think so. Well, Tampa won the conference, and if we won last night, I might be wrong, I might be wrong, but they would have won the division. So I'm figuring they're going to come out flying.

They did play the night before against Ottawa. They laid an egg last night like I've never seen. I almost thought it was a bad job. I go, what? Seriously, they look like they were skating in mud. They were slow, uninterested. I couldn't fucking believe it. You win, you win the goddamn...

I'm talking about hockey people. What about the Syrian gas attack? Fuck those people. I'm talking about my Bruins. I'm talking about hockey people. What about the Syrian gas attack? Fuck those people. I'm talking about my Bruins. Nothing important. Okay, a few kids get bleach in their eyes. Listen, Pasternak has to pick up the pace. Come on, Mike.

807? I thought it would be 821. Give me one of those nights, huh? Hand me that needle, Brendan. 866-969-196. And call me if you're at the show. And I took a lot of pictures and shit. Snuck out on Poughkeepsie.

I had to get out of there. I saw... This is... Let me describe Poughkeepsie. had to get out of there I saw This is Let me describe Poughkeepsie And I couldn't come up with it For the show First thing I see Is I pull into downtown Poughkeepsie

I see like a Not a homeless guy But a guy who might be homeless But he had a coat on He's got a He's got a like And I'm not shitting you This is a grown man

I'd say in his 40s or 50s With like a grey beard And he's kind of dirty And he's got a Hello Kitty book bag. That tiny little hello, I swear to God, like the little girls wear

on his back. If that's not Poughkeepsie in a nutshell and if that thing wasn't filled with fucking blow. Or the little girl. Or the little girl.

Exactly. Her feet and hands and part of her head. The rest of her is tough. It's gristle. You ever eat a five-year-old? They're all fucking chewing shit. I was going to get to the, you know what, the Masters.

Patrick Reed won. And, yeah, I do. I don't play golf, but I watch it. That's sad, but the masses I'll watch. But I like this kid. He's a dumpy looking. He's got no athletic body whatsoever. He looks like he should be fixing your copy at work or if, you know, a vending machine went down at the Motel 6. Just a fucking working class.

And so I was pulling for him. This guy can put his balls off. And he's a working class stiff. He wins the Masters and he gets like a tepid response. Everybody's pulling the pretty boy who I love, Spieth. Everybody's pulling for Spieth and for fucking Ricky Fowl. All the pretty people were pulling, you know, and I was kind of it was bugging me. I wanted this fucking working class stiff who

can play golf like you wouldn't believe. And then I read a fucking article about him. That's a good picture of him. He does not look like that now. That's way too healthy. There you go. He looks scared in the picture. But he's like a working class. All the rest of the golfers are pretty boys and all the fucking girls are drooling over. They all have titleless deals and shit. And this guy's kind of cocky or whatever, but like a working class stiff, you know, reminded me of this.

Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here. Member? Are you kidding? You think I'd join his crummy snobatorium? But his whole place sucks. That was him as they put the green jacket on him. But listen to this. And everybody else has a big following.

They were talking about him. He had his brother-in-law caddying for him. And his wife, Justine, who was chairing on the outside of the ropes. And his estranged mother, Jeanette Reed, who issued an early tweet that included, Go Patrick Reed. But he's from like a dysfunctional family. It says in the article, it's all either documented or whispered, the reported tension between the Reeds and Patrick's parents, Bill and Jeanette.

And the nasty back and forth on social media where Justine claimed Patrick was abused physically and verbally. By his parents. Accusations his parents have denied. We also know about the times his parents who weren't invited to Patrick's wedding. Okay. Were escorted out of the 2014 U.S. Open. And supposedly at the request of Justine and how his parents, who live in Augusta,

have had little contact with Patrick, Justine, or the two children. Normally, parents are among the first thanked when someone wins a major, but when asked if it was bittersweet not to share winning the Masters with his parents, Reid answered, revealed, all you need to know. I'm just out here to play golf and try to win golf tournaments. So I was pulling for it and I didn't

know any of that back story. I just like the fact that he looked kind of you know, not like an athlete. I always pull for the you know, the working class, whatever. And I guess he went to he went to, I don't know, Georgia State, whatever. He won two national titles at whatever college down there in Georgia.

But somebody accused him of like cheating on a scorecard in a practice round or something. Whatever. So he wasn't that well liked. But he goes into Augusta and sticks it up their ass. So, Jack in L.A. so uh jack in la he says he's gonna school us on patrick's history of cheating what is it exactly jack he was accused of well i i wasn't i and that's not really all the story apparently you know he was kicked out of his original school i mean you said they went to a school in Georgia, but he originally had gone to a different golf school. And by the way, you were mentioning his physique. I've heard

the term fat trick thrown around. Yeah, that stinks, but go ahead. But yeah, so, but apparently it's not just that he was cheating, that he's just generally disliked. One of the other things was that he was apparently accused of stealing money out of uh his roommate's uh room apparently like four hundred dollars and so he just kind of brash and you were just saying that he's not really you know well received i think that's you know part of it i don't know exactly you know any of the truth of what was said but apparently when he got kicked out, they did mention that the reports were true. He got kicked out of what school?

DeVry? You know, I don't know. I did only a cursory glance at the article. That's more than I did. Yeah, I was playing catch-up on the story of who Patrick Reed was also. Well. Alright, I'll sign off. I love the show, Nick.

Thanks, Jack. Appreciate it. Good call. That's why the show is great. You guys can fill me in on the facts. I just, I don't give a shit. I like that he's, as they said in the article, he came into Augusta with a black hat and he left with a green jacket.

Yeah. All right, not a good guy. Accused of this, that, and the other thing. Eh. yeah not a good guy accused of this that and the other thing eh not a gentleman doesn't fit into the well doesn't fit into the well I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here member are you kidding

you think I'd join his crummy snobatorium but his whole place sucks um anyways Anyways He had all the best golfers chasing him The Speets The fucking Ricky Fowlers

And All the big names Biting on his heels The fucking Rory McIlroys Who everybody wanted to win I love it I like the Raiders in the 70s. They were hated because they cheated.

I like the bad guy. I like the bad guy, okay? That's what I say. Let's go to Brandon in California. Brandon? Hey, Nick. How's it going, man? Pretty good.

How you doing? Good. So me and my best friend are huge fans of yours, and I'm just curious if you have any tour dates planned here in the hardcore liberal Bay Area anytime soon. Of course not. I hate that fucking area. I hope it blows up in a snowstorm. Wait a minute, that made no sense. No, I eventually will get out there. I had an interesting conversation with an old boss of mine today, as far as a tour, and put him in touch with somebody else.

So this thing isn't going to die, and we will make it out there. I can't say when, Brendan, but, you know, I need the dough. Got it. Well, I'll definitely look out for it, man. Where are you, Brendan, exactly? I live about an hour north of San Francisco. Hour north. Is that Walnut Creek area or no?

Yeah, well, I live 20 minutes from Walnut Creek. How's that for a guess? I loved it. I did Walnut Creek with Bobby Slate and we co-headlined. How's that for two fuckers? It was called the Battery of Acid Tour. I fucking... People went nuts. I bet they hated

you out there. Oh, no, they loved us. This was fucking 20 years ago. San Francisco and... Punchline used to have me twice a year. I mean, Bobby Slate is as politically incorrect as you can get. He could run for mayor. Maybe, well, he could.

I don't know if that's the case anymore, but he could have ran for the mayor of San Francisco. That's why I used to appreciate Sam. But I think you're right. I think it's probably changed, and the fascist fuckstains from the left will try to shut us down. But that's all right. I carry a pistol now. I've got to conceal and stab. But we'll make it out there,

Brendan. Cool. Well, if you do, man, definitely I will for sure buy a ticket. All right, buddy. Thanks. Have a good one. Take it easy. Scott in Massachusetts came to the show Friday night at the Red Hook Brewery.

Scott, what's going on, fella? Hey, Nicky. Just wanted to let you know we had a great time. I brought my wife, my daughter, my son-in-law. My wife and daughter had never heard your comedy before, and they had never laughed so hard. My wife said her stomach hurt when she laughed. They ain't virgins no more, Scott.

No, Nicky, they are not. And you keep going like that, and you'll be out of that attic of a brewery someday before you know it. I was out of it the next night, Scott. I was at a nice theater the next night, so kiss my grits. Oh, well, that's good. See, I knew it would pay off. I knew it. All right, glad. I wanted to tell you, we had a great time.

It was the best night of the weekend. It was. We had a blast, too, man. It was a great venue. And, yeah, absolutely. And thank you for bringing everybody out. And we'll see you again. All right.

Take care. See you, Scotty. All right. How about the FBI raiding fucking Cohen's office, his hotel? The FBI needs to be fucking. We don't have anything that take them down a notch. They can bust into your house now

and take shit. I mean... Huh? Where's the warrant? Was the paperwork filled out at the CVS? Yeah. I kind of like the idea

of a lawyer named Cohen having the FBI clamming up his ass. I gotta be honest with you. What? Globalist? Is that what you said? I'm reading Brendan's racist... Uh...

But yeah, no, what the fuck? They go to his hotel room, they go to his apartment. What is this? This is the reason we busted off from England, isn't it? Well, it wasn't the FBI. What? It wasn't the FBI. They saw it and passed it along to...

To who? To Eagle Scouts? I believe so. Who? To the New York State Police, I believe. I don't believe that for a second. I believe it was the FBI in some cases. You might be right.

Again. But either way, stay out of our shit. Bart in North Carolina has an opinion on the Cohen raid. Bart. Yes, sir. Nicky D. Good to talk to you again. Listen, I think it's very scary that an FBI that's under the microscope for misdealing

is actually not even raiding. He raided his personal lawyers. Yeah. What is that? I just wanted to get your take on how does that make you feel comfortable going and talking to your lawyer or your doctor or anything? Oh, exactly. To have that privilege. Yeah, exactly.

What happened to confidentiality and all that shit? They break into Cohen's office. He's got all those files and they grab everything off the computer and you could be a client of Cohen's. Not me, personally. I can't afford a guy like Cohen. I got a guy named Dino Pruninelli. But, no, that's a great point. And especially with what we've seen the FBI is capable of right now, it smells

like we're living in a third world shithole is what it smells like to me, Bart. But how exactly? I think when you when you when you've clearly gotten when you clearly got proof of an FBI that's been tainted by political agenda. Yeah. You don't want to see them raiding the president's personal lawyers or anybody's personal lawyers compounds to retrieve documents and if they retrieve it what can they do with it it's privileged information information it's privileged information they put it at the bing

all right bart you heard it. I have. Thank you. Yeah, I don't like it. I don't like it. Fucking, you know, confidentiality is one thing. But, you know, what I think they were hoping to. Cohen is the guy, right, who used his own money to hush up Stormy Daniels, which they're trying to turn that into a campaign contribution, which turns into impeachment or whatever, obstruction, whatever. That's what they're going for there.

But Jesus, like he just said, Bart just said, what if you're a client of Mr. Collins and all your shit? Then again, if they didn't scoop up your personal information, Facebook would have got it. You can't win, folks. You're fucked. It's not the FBI. It's fucking Zuckerberg's people.

I'm telling you. I must have ate too much this week. My fucking belt is cutting into my belly like a fucking samurai. Brian in Georgia has an update on Patrick Reed's history. Hey, what's up, buddy? Hey, Brian, what's going on? Hey, you kind of switched gears on me, so I'll give you a quick update for Patrick Reed. Okay.

He went to the University of Georgia here in Athens, and he did get kicked off the team for cheating and stealing, etc. But you switched gears on me. Did you see the story today? etc but um you switched gears on me did you see the story today apparently one of de blasio's aides got busted with a loaded handgun that was missing two cartridges from the magazine clip no i did not so it's like a 42 year old woman uh that got uh arrested on felony handgun possession charges the the handgun had the serial number filed off, and there was a video of her or somebody discharging the weapon from the car, and she's, like, in charge of New York City Youth or something for de Blasio. What color is she? I'll give you a guess.

I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure she is not like you and I, my friend. Well, I'm pretty dark, so I'm guessing she's like me. All right, man. Well, I love you, you dirty fucking dangle. See you later, bro. Dirty fucking dangle. See, it said Brian from Georgia. They still hate Italians.

They're fucking... Meanwhile, we're more redneckish than you are, you numbnuts. DeBlasio A... Oh! What color is she? Nick, why is that important? Because if she was fucking white, they would have stressed it! Go ahead.

Look at her. What is she? What's her name? Her name's Reagan. Reagan Stevens? Jesus Christ, she's got two last names. What a mess. Let's call her Anderson Cooper.

Yeah, she's- She's kind of brownish. Tony and Poughkeepsie. Hey, Nick. How are you, bud? What's up, T? You came to the show Saturday night. How are you?

Yes, I did. I brought my wife, and she was on the fence about seeing you because she's a little bit liberal. Yeah. But she laughed her ass off, bro. So she laughed. There you go. She's a liberal, but she enjoyed herself. She laughed her ass off bro she so she laughed there you go she's a liberal but she enjoyed herself she laughed her ass off that's because i'm fucking funny doesn't matter what your politics are that was my favorite show by the way tony so far of the it was just it was

a small intimate area man yeah we felt like we were seeing somebody that we you know that nobody else got to see. It was fun. I fucking really enjoyed it. So you tell your wife that I love it or death, and to keep her chin up. All right, brother. All right, Tom. Love the show, man.

Keep it up. Thanks. Thanks. I'm clearing my throat. Fury sent me a story about a girl, she a teenager, and the school made her cover up her protruding nipples in high school. Now, why would you do such a thing? I mean, who doesn't enjoy a nice rock-hard nipple

from the guidance counselor down to the janitor and everything in between? Why would you do that? We can talk about that for hours on end and my big story tonight is the ceo of twitter fucking jack dorsey he endorsed this article that somebody wrote on uh medium a website called medium about driving conservatives from public life and dorsey endorsed the article he retweeted it and shit this is a guy that runs twitter and is so unbiased so he can kiss my sister's ass that's all i got is fucking lefties who like a rig the game that's all it is and uh i also got uh remember diamond and Silk

the two black chicks who loved Trump like all the black women like roommates or whatever I don't know if they're lovers or sisters I don't know what they are but they're very entertaining and funny and light hearted

and they were huge Trump fans during the election well they get suspended by Facebook Facebook considers them unsafe to the community. The only... I'm not going to say it.

Two of the... Ah, forget it. Even here, I'm afraid. 866-969-1969. But we'll talk about... I'd like to hear from you guys about the Twitter CEO endorsing this article. 9 1969 but we'll talk about i'd like to hear from you guys about uh the twitter ceo um endorsing this article they think we should go the way of california that's what this article

saying california is right that's the future and blah blah blah real leftist fuck and that us people who lean right need to be literally, voices need to be distinguished from public conversation. So that means Twitter, the guy who runs it, is full of shit. It's as fucking partisan as I thought it was. May he die in his sleep in a fiery crash. And I'd like to hear from some of you guys out there who think you're being shadow banned. Nobody's seeing my... I put a picture up of me choking a premature baby,

and nobody fucking got two likes. So I got a feeling... 866-969-1969. Back with the second segment right after this. You're listening to The Nick DiPaolo Show on Faction Talk sirius xm 103 jimmy kimmel and hannity went at it over the weekend kimmel apologizes to hannity for harmful comments uh he apologized to Henry on Sunday

appearing to end a week long feud between the two talk show hosts making light of First Lady Melania's accent well I think I have a clip somewhere of that no White House Easter celebration would be complete without story time from our First Lady never stop exploring cause life would be boring.

Be clever and curious, just like a cat. Ask lots of questions about this and that. About this and that. This is brutal. Liberal Jimmyimmel making fun of the first lady of the united states and her involvement in the white house easter egg roll even her accents jimmy you're a despicable disgrace hey uh mr kimmel that's her fifth language how many do you speak i mean come on and i I like both these fucking guys. But, I mean, I think Sean was overreacting a little bit here. You know? I like, you know, Matt Hannity.

A few times. But he's, you know, you gotta... Sean, come on. What the fuck? Really? Was that that vicious? I mean, he said other shit. And then he went back at Hannity, you know,

talking about Hannity supporting Roy Moore and shit, and, you know, he's fucking dug in his heels. But Kimmel's done a lot worse than that, as far as Trump and monologues, and so I thought, you know, you conservatives, you've got to fucking show a little bit of... I mean, that was, you know... But here's my other point. Jimmy Kimmel would never do that about Michelle Obama.

Ever. And how she, you know... Again, looks like a strong safety for the fucking Kansas City Chiefs. Runs a 4-8-40. And you can tell she doesn't like Whitey. She got that fake grin and... you can tell she hates Whitey. That's my opinion. But Kimmel would never go near that,

neither would fucking anybody else. Still afraid of the black fucking, you know. But then Kimmel, in his apology, raised the death threats he and his family got last year after he talked about his newborn son's life could be affected if lawmakers voted to remove coverage for pre-existing conditions in Obamacare. That's the shit I would get riled up. The vile attacks against my wife and wishes for death of my infant son are shocking. The vile attacks against my wife and wishes for death of my infant son are shocking, and I encourage, see, whoever wrote this article has to throw that in there to give it some fucking, you know, shocking. And I encourage those who made them to give their words and actions thought.

Kimmel wrote to his 11 million followers. I, too, will give my words more thought and recognize my role in inciting their hatefulness. So, you see what he's doing there? He's comparing those hateful people wishing his baby died to what he said. You know what I mean? He's kind of, you know,

I was making fun of her accent. You want my kids dead. So, you know, it's kind of a backhanded apology, maybe. You get what I'm going for? Addressing Hannity directly, Kimmel said he takes

the Fox News anchor at his word that he was genuinely offended by what I believed, still believe to be a harmless and silly aside referencing our First Lady's accent, which I kind of agree with him there, too. But my point, Jimmy, is, you know, you'd never do it to Michelle Obama, neither would Fallon, neither would Colbert, which is just fucking ball-less, in my opinion. Let's go to Robert in Los Angeles. Used one of my jokes at work, and now everyone thinks he's an asshole. I don't believe it, but go ahead, Robert. Hey, Nick. What's up, my man?

Where you working? The fucking Nancy Pelosi library? I do security over here in the fucking Mexican part of town, so you can imagine. But, uh, no, I was just listening to what you just said right now with Jimmy Kimmel talking shit about a millennial's accent. Yeah. I don't know if you knew this, but about a years ago, on Telemundo, there was a reporter who made a joke about Michelle Obama because they do the thing, they comment on the fashion and shit.

Yeah. And he said that she looked like a character from the Planet of the Apes. And he got fucking fired the next day. Yeah. Well, that's a little... That's a little much. Go ahead.

This was a guy that worked on Telemundo that said that? Yeah, I'm a fucking beaner, if you didn't know it by my accent or anything. I was watching Telemundo, and then this guy was just talking about how everyone looks like celebrities. And then he made a little joke about how she looked like, I think, Caesar from fucking Apes. Oh, God. And then he was gone. Yeah, that's not a little joke.

That's a big joke. But you can still fucking zinger. You could still zinger. You know, you gotta know how to fucking zing people. Like, I'd go after her 18-inch neck and say she looks like

a tight end for the eagle. You know, and then people can't say racist. Or her fucking gums. What's that? Or her fucking gums that stick out. Jesus Christ. Don't even smile, Mrs. President.

Yeah. Nobody, you know, everybody treated her and Barack with kid gloves. It's so fucking sickening. This country and its black guilt, white guilt, I should say, about fucking slavery. You should watch yourself, Nick. They're going to get you next. Yeah, I know. I know.

Okay, so this is why I called. So the other day when you said you were talking about Stephen Hawking and how he got the fucking Jaguar commercial and you were mad. Yes. Because your manager can't get you shit. Yeah.

I was laughing so fucking hard when you said the hashtag wheels up when you were describing Stephen on the beach with his side chick. I almost went over the fucking sidewalk. I was laughing so hard. Did I say that? We had a meeting this Monday or last Monday.

And my boss was talking about clients who have special needs and you have to make special accommodations for them. And then I brought up, I stole your bit. I'm a fucking joke thief, sorry, but I thought it was going to be a good time. Yeah. So I brought up the Stephen Hawking joke and then I tried to hit him

with the punchline of hashtag wheels up and I got fucking crickets. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me and it was, I thought I was going

to get fired. I was like, holy shit. That's because you're in Los Angeles and political correctness emanates from that city. It's just fucking swimming in it. Oh, no, it's not even the best part.

What? Fucking after the meeting, everyone's picking up their papers and I just, I have my fucking tail between my legs like, oh, Jesus, this is rough. My supervisor's like, hey, why'd you say that? I was like, I thought it was just a joke. He's like, you know, Jim, his son has autism, right? Yeah. So the owner of the company

has his son's a fucking waterhead, so he got offended by that joke. Yeah, you know what? Tough shit. Tell him, look, fucking, uh, you should say, look, he's got a waterhead, baby. You guys, don't you have a fucking drought going on out there? Tap his skull.

Tap his head like a fucking keg of Miller Lite. Let that shit squirt all over the rug. All right, Robert. I'm sorry I got you in trouble at work, but I appreciate the call, buddy. All right, ladies and gentlemen. All right. That is the mentality of the left, by the way. That's not funny.

My sister's husband used to hit her. Yeah, I didn't get the fucking... I saw you laughing at the AIDS joke and the you know, paraplegic material I was doing. You're howling at that, but when it hit Holmes, it's not. That's how they think as a group, though. Do you understand how, do you ever

think about how sanctimonious that is? The left calling everybody else racist and bigoted. That means they really believe they are morally fucking superior to you. If you sit there and let that sink in, it'll make you fucking angry. That's where they start the conversation.

Like they have never thought, had a racist thought or misogynist thought or uttered a racist, you know, sexist word ever? It makes my blood boil. Mike in Atlanta thinks I'm trying to be controversial. What are you fucking talking about, Mike? I'm just talking about what's in the news. Hey, Nick, I just don't understand your endgame.

I mean, you know, you make these... Ain't no endgame, Mike. Why ain't it got to be an endgame? I'm just doing my thing. Well, no, I mean, you know, it's always got to be, you know, some type of career advancement, but... Radio? Really? Go ahead. Well, I just kind of think, like, you know,

you kind of make these jokes about michelle obama being like a lamb but but it's like it like gets crickets every time if it's oh really why don't you go watch my special gets crickets go watch fucking raw nerve tell me you got crickets well i mean like i say hey i'm a fan of comedy if it's funny if it's funny yeah and that's like i mean i just think sometimes i think you're trying to gain like an audience of like i don't know rednecks and far right people already got a mic saying my first radio mic i think that you can you can your comedy i've listened to you you know howard stern i'm a big Howard Stern fan. I just think your comedy is, like, you know, far, it's funnier than, you know,

the weak stuff you put out trying to be controversial and play to this small audience is probably not even going to support you. I think that if you just stuck to the funny stuff, like, you know that, you say that Obama joke, like, every day, and it's like, okay, it wasn't funny the first time, and it's not funny now. Yeah, yeah. Now, can you shut up? Hey, can you shut up and let me talk now?

You're a typical fucking lefty. You sound like a typical fucking black. You're a typical fucking black. How? Because you want me to just be funny and not talk politics. You want me to shut my mouth like... You can talk about the policy you want to. Oh, bullshit. Mike, you fucking... Come on, man. You sound very to shut my mouth like... You can talk about the politics you want to. Oh, bullshit.

Mike, you fucking... Come on, man. You sound very ignorant tonight. I voted for Trump. Yeah, so what? I voted for Trump. I told you that before. So what?

But I'm saying, you do stuff, and it's like the last caller, I guess he's some in-netskin guy that's down with a white man, I guess. And that's how you see the world, either down with a white guy or down with a black guy. Now you sound silly. That's how you see it. I'm reporting the news, Mike.

I'm reporting it. It's not how I see it. You said earlier, I wonder what race that person was. Yeah, I do. I do, because they don't mention it when it's a black person who commits the crime. I don't know if you've noticed that. It's very irresponsible reporting. And when I point that out, you don't like it, because you're not around white people who speak their fucking mind, and you can't handle it.

I'm around all kinds of people all the time. I like it. I'm a black person. I say, hey, I voted for Trump. But I'm just saying, if things were funny, I would laugh. Hey, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. You were kind of funny. Mike, Mike, why do you think the rest of the world thinks only what you find funny is funny?

I've been doing this 30 years, and I'm still fucking relevant. Your channel is not even that big right now. What? Not that many people are listening to your channel here and the reason why because it's not that fun how do you know mike how do you know how many people are listening well because i i i really believe that you every day you try to get on the radio hoping to snag a headline so you can get on to the, you know, get on, on to the news and people will tune in to see who you are. I think that, you know, it's kind of like, yeah, that's the

whole idea behind radio. We're like Arnie Lang, like Arnie, Arnie used to be controversial and all that. As soon as he left, started a man is in a crack house somewhere. And, and, and you're just trying to go that same trajectory yeah you got mike you got me nailed buddy you fucking you got me pegged i'm gonna start shooting heroin tonight and see if i can all right i gave you enough time thank you mike all right there's something wrong with the black man's mind there's something wrong with his mind there's something wrong with the black man's mind there's something wrong with his mind. There's something wrong with the black man's mind. There's something wrong with his mind. No, they're ignorant.

That's ignorant. That's the dumbest mic has ever sounded. We've had them on many times. I'm trying to, I don't do, you hear, it's your end game. I got an end game. It's the reason people like me. I don't have an agenda.

I call them like I see them, Mike. Once again, you're not around enough white people who speak fucking from their gut, because most of them are afraid to. That's all. Larry in North Carolina. Larry, what's going on, Larry? Carolina, Larry, what's going on, Larry? I'm glad there's the Mikes in the world to critique comedy for the pros so that the pros can tweak their act. Everybody's an expert on comedy because, see, at one point, Mike and everybody else has made somebody laugh in their life,

so they know what we do for a living, and it's very simple. They could do it too, but they'd rather work at the mattress factory 100 hours a week supporting their 11 fucking kids. Well, they're using the wrong side of the mattress. Yeah, exactly. Well, I gotta tell you, the Hannity and the Kimmel thing, and Hannity was playing all kinds of clips

from Jimmy Kimmel when he was on the Man Show talking about how twisted and sick he was. He was playing all that stuff on his show on the radio. Yeah, I heard all that stuff. I wasn't even crazy about the fucking Man Show because it just made men look stupid and simple, and some of it was funny, but, you know. Well, you know, I don't participate in a lot of popular culture, so I'm not really in anybody's demographic.

They're trying to get the old white-haired fat guy all his money. I'm not spending a lot of discretionary income, so I'm not really in anybody's demographic. I've got to tell you, I don't know why people are surprised about the left-wing suppressing right-wing speech. Does anybody remember 2012 when two Democrat senators wrote the IRS, alarmed at the rise of the grassroots Tea Party movement and their loud voice? And guess what? They used all-power government to shut the fuck up. Yeah, that's right.

I'm not fucking surprised at left-wing suppressing speech. Last I checked, every communist dictatorship in the world was a leftist socialist scumbag. And gee, they're into killing people and shutting them the fuck up. Right. Now, right-wingers, we don't mind believing in the arena of ideas because they're fucking idiots. Go ahead and spout your shit nobody agrees with you dumbass put everything you want on cnn there's less than a million people listening in a country with a population of over 300 billion i don't think they're reaching a lot of fucking

people i don't give a who the hell what they put on their stupid network. Nobody's listening. Nobody gives a shit. And as for Mr. DiPaolo, I guess he's been doing comedy for 30 years, and Mike, you haven't. I think Mr. DiPaolo knows what the fuck he's doing. He's able to reach and entertain an audience. I think that makes him a modern-day raconteur. That's what I'm thinking.

There you go. I mean, come on, people. I mean, come on, people. I've been doing comedy for 30 years. He's still irrelevant. He's still doing shows. He's still doing tours. He's obviously doing something you're not, i.e. Larry, I think you said I'm still irrelevant.

I did say that. I said you're still relevant. Okay, we're going to have to listen to the replay. Fiore laughed and I laughed. We both heard it as irrelevant. irrelevant. Okay, we're going to have to listen to the replay. Fiore laughed and I laughed. We both heard it as irrelevant. Well, I might have

a shit salesman with a mouthful of it. I don't know. I'm just rolling across. I'm on vacation. The company's just let me start again. Oh, good for you. I was having more fun. I don't believe I could stand it.

Mr. DiPaolo, I'll let you go. All right, Larry. Good call, and thanks for defending me. Oh, yeah, you're the man. Appreciate it. Bye. You hear that, Mike? Am I going to let you hear that? Larry likes me.

A white truck driver, I know. I know what you're thinking. But this notion, I'm trying to be controvert, what are you fucking talking about? Yeah, he really came out swinging out of the gates with a fucking story about the masters.

That was pretty controversial. I push the envelope with that one. Then I'm defending two black women who love Trump. Boy, that's how to fucking get a right-leaning following, huh? People are just, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go to John in Vegas. He has some comments on the Kimmel story.

What's up, John? Nick, pleasure to talk to you. Same here. Yeah, I thought Mike was king of all blacks, maybe smoked a sherm this afternoon or something but um anyway hey if anybody ever wished harm on my baby or infant i would rip their left eyeball out and show it to their right eyeball you know come on. If anybody... Yeah, okay, but I don't get your point. Well, don't talk bad.

Don't wish harm on my kid. Yeah, but Hannity didn't wish harm on Kimmel's kid. That was people on Twitter and social media, which that shit's always going to be out there. But yes, I get your point. I get your point. That's a damn shame. That's a damn shame. Yeah, no, you're right. Nice to be out there. But yes, I get your point. I get your point. That's a damn shame. That's a damn shame. Yeah, no, you're right.

Nice to talk to you. I love your show. You're one of the top three people I listen to and pay for this subscription. Oh, good. Please tell the people that run this place that. All right, Johnny. Good call, buddy. Hey, thank you.

You got it. Thank you. I like Hannity, and I like Kimmel. I really do. I mean, as people, I really do. They're fucking very nice to me. And I would like one-tenth of their money from each checking account. Folks, this week, the Nick is Right Tour continues this Friday at the Paramount Theater in Rutland, Vermont.

Saturday, April 14th, the Barrington Stage Company in Pittsville, Mass. Next week, the tour continues Friday, April 20th at the Cortland Theater, Cortland, New York. And Saturday, the 21st, the Steel Stacks in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Uh, after that, we go to the Majestic Theater, Pottsem, Pennsylvania. After that, we go to the Majestic Theater. Pottsville, Pennsylvania. That's the 27th of April. April 28th, the Kirby Center. Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.

And then May 4th, Jonathan's in a gunk with Maine. Guess I got a few of the boys coming that I play ball with up in Maine. Coming to that. Not those boys. Andy's lifting. I heard some things about that town. Yeah, well, it's like a gay hangout, but so is Provincetown. I did comedy down there, and boy, I left a trail of dirty condoms all the way up the sidewalk.

May 5th, the Schubert Theater in New Haven, Connecticut is the last date on this leg of the tour. And we got more stuff in the works. Had some interesting conversations on the phone today with a few people. And we don't know where it's headed. We really don't. Is that it? Didn't really get into the girl with the nipples in high school.

Having to put bandage. Fury says, we'll do that tomorrow. That's what he sends me for a story. Oh, yeah, that'll light up the phones. Who's against that? Hi, I don't like nipples. It was kind of weird, though. They told her to put on a second shirt, and then they actually move around and stuff.

You can see Fury's face right now. He looks like Alex, the little kid in the Shriners. People like you can send sickles like me $5. I can rent the 30 porn. Get a toy for myself. Anyways, that is it, folks. I want to thank you all the callers, even Mike from Atlanta, who really came at me like a madman. I have some type of agenda.

You should just be funny and don't fucking rebel your politics, because I disagree with him. Anyways, that is it. Remember, kids, you think it, I'll say it. You're welcome. Good night, America. Outro Music