The Nick DiPaolo Show - A Breath of Fresh Air | Nick Di Paolo Show

Episode Date: July 26, 2021

Nick Di Paolo live in his stand-up special "A Breath of Fresh Air"

Hi, boys and girls. Nick DiPaolo here. Free speech lives right here on The Nick DiPaolo Show. I'm grateful to be able to do this show my way, and I'm only able to do it my way because of your generous contributions. Please go to nickdip.com or click the link on thecomicsgym.com and contribute today to keep this show and our speech free. Thank you so much.

There's no respect for white European males anymore. I realized this. I was in Jersey last night, working in Jersey. I had to get on the turnpike to come home. I had to go to the bathroom on the Jersey turnpike, so I pull into a rest area. What's the name of the rest area? The Vince Lombardi rest area.

That's the best we can do for the greatest coach in the history of the NFL. Should we put a statue of him in front of his high school? No, let's build an 18 by 24 brick structure off to exit 13A where truckers who have been living on hooker pussy

and beach jerky for 14 hours can unload their impactive bowels. Where gay guys can exchange filthy blowjobs at 3 a.m. and where pedophiles can come into the faces of terrified children. You know, the shit that Vince Lombardi was for. You know. Fucking Vince Lombardi rest...

Where's the Jerry Sandusky rest area? That's my question. That's the rest area I want to see. Life-size statue of Jerry in a bathing suit, half a hard-on, big smile on his face. Couple of Boy Scouts in headlocks.

Fucking white, toxic males. How about Jesse Smollett? Is that feminine black toxic fucking femininity? What a genius. You know why he did all that? He said he wasn't getting paid enough. $65,000 an episode. Well, it turns out after that hoax,

they figured out in three seconds, you're a pretty shitty actor, I guess. Fucking... Imagine a white guy trying to pull that off. Fucking reverse hate crime. I'd have to get two white bodybuilders from Sweden, put them in blackface. Fucking beat me up, make it look like it was two black guys,

leave a pack of Newports next to me. Dump great Kool-Aid over my head. And I'd set it and they'd go, fuck you, this is Obama country. So I'd set it in Salt Lake City, naturally. Make the fucking... What a scumbag. I hope he still has that fucking noose and he uses it the right way this time. Yeah. Jesse, go downstairs, find a beamer.

You know what to do. Fuck it down. Some of yous will laugh and the rest of yous, I can see is shitting in your little faggy fucking liberal pants. I'm woke, okay? And I'm on the right, motherfuckers. Drove up here. I live in Westchester, and I drove up. Made here in like under two hours.

I got a ticket last time. The fucking Nazis on the Taconic. Can't you get enough cops? Doing 106, you know. My buddy who's with me goes, you're doing 106? I'm like, so what? He goes, well, if we hit a deer, we're dead.

I said, a deer at this speed? If we hit a fucking moth? It's going to go through like a hollow point bullet. Are you shitting me? What are you? So I use the Waze app. I love the,

anybody use the Waze? 20 of us, the rest of you is what? Getting raped on Uber cars on the weekend? How many Uber rape stories have you read in the paper last year? I've read like three. You know, if you're an ugly girl, you can't get a date on a Saturday, just call Uber, okay?

They'll be happy to take you to your sister's house. You'll wake up in the driveway with your skirt over your head. What happened? Am I there? They'll send like a Haitian on bath salts to pick you up. Go ahead. Give me a fucking... That would be $22, man.

Put on your shoes. I love that Waze app. I fucking love it. You know, because it tells you where the cops are, and I still sell Coke to schoolchildren in the afternoon, so that kind of works out good. Do you know who come up with the Waze app? The Israeli military.

That's kind of ironic when you think about it, because Jews are known best for what? Being lost in the desert for 40 years. Flooding up ahead, Moses. 40 years. Flooding up ahead, Moses. What's this, a Palestinian crowd all of a sudden? What the fuck? I use the Waze app to drive into New York City

every night to work on my act, and I live 40 miles outside of New York City. I do the first 38 miles in 38 minutes I get into Manhattan I look down, it says one mile to go 27 minutes There's marathon runners who run a sub-four minute mile

I'm gonna turn my car in for a fucking Kenyan tomorrow Get like 20 miles and a bowl of rice and some Japanese beetles You know what I'm saying? I smoke now, I started smoking it a year ago. I fucking love it. I'm not gonna stop so shut your mouth Makes me feel good

I don't care, my friends are going, why would you start at this age? I go, why would you start in your 20s? So you're going to have cancer in your 40s? I'm timing it out. The doctor tells me I have cancer in 30 years, I'm going to kiss him on the lips. Are you shitting me? Do you see many happy 87-year-old guys out there? They all look in their face like, I wish I fucking smoked when I was a kid. Laying in a puddle of my own piss, nobody's talking to me. Give me a cigarette, goddammit.

Fucking love it. Smoke a lot. Trying to quit, it is kind of nasty, but my buddy says, why don't you try those e-cigarettes? I said, because I look more manly with a cock in my mouth. That's why. That's a fucking cigarette that has steam coming off it.

What am I going to do, your salmon and your vegetables? Come here, Pete. What's that, broccolini? Hey, Dave, you got a wrinkle on your shirt. Come here, I'm getting lightheaded. Fucking e-cigarettes. You know, I smoke, it draws attention. Just like doing comedy.

It's like having a mic in your hand. Take a cigarette, everybody's staring at you like a psycho. I get off a plane in Buffalo. I go outside of the airport. The whole sidewalk, there's no smoking signs until you get to the end. Then I have this little glass booth for smokers.

It looks like a bus stop. I'm in there at 7 in the morning by myself, and there's like 10 people looking in, watching me. I felt like a fucking polar bear. Ah! Ah!

Smokey the... We know it kills you. We know it's bad for you. How should I take this? My wife's a smoker. She actually got me started on smoking a little bit, okay? I come down the stairs the other morning, and there's a note on the kitchen table that says, I went grocery shopping, but I left you you this it's a cigarette PS I love

you might as well left the fucking syringe with AIDS all over it stick stick this into the head of your cock I'll be home with some fresh carrots that you'll need Cosby I read Bill Cosby today I was reading Bill Cosby today. I was reading the paper. He doesn't really like prison. And everybody's so shocked when that story broke. Oh, yeah, black rapist from Philly.

What are the odds? I can hear two pussy liberals going, oh, the guys with Miller light cans. You're the fucking assholes. Oh, that was racist. Have another beer and die, please. Black racist from Philly. I never liked Cosby.

He's a fucking pompous asshole. I didn't like when he was telling young black kids to pull up their pants. Meanwhile, the last 30 years, he's had his down to his ankles every fucking night. Shut your mouth, Billy. I know he's guilty of rape.

I hate Bill Cosby. My uncle Al loves Bill Cosby, so I took my uncle Al to see Bill Cosby in Atlantic City like 12 years ago. This is how I know he's guilty of rape. We went backstage after the show to meet him. I shake his hand. Next thing I remember, I'm waking up

in his hotel room. I'm on the floor wearing nothing but a Temple University T-shirt. I got pudding pop wrappers stuck to my ass and back. Also, I remember hearing his,

I'm gonna stick my dick in this little guinea's asshole. I was raped by Bill Cosby. True story. He's a fucking rapist. Look, I don't condone what he did But I understand it Ladies, let me explain before you jump down my throat, okay? You women get a little long-winded at three in the morning When we're trying to fuck you, you know what I'm saying?

I just spent 40 bucks on your red lobster It's four in the morning, I finally got you on my couch I have to hear about your cousin's wedding in Aruba next March Fuck that shit Look over there Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. You better fuck me. I'll call Uber. Somebody's going to get laid. It might be you. It might be me. I don't give a shit. That wasn't a very good Cosby impression I did earlier.

All my black comedian friends do a great Bill Cosby. They have him raping everybody in their act. They have a new 10 jokes every week. I do a great Popeye impression. If Popeye goes on a raping spree, I'll have a new half-eye. Suck me dick, it's consensual. Tongue me nuts. Put away that rape whiskle.

Wow. Yeah, I don't condone what he did, but he's a serial rapist, Bill Cosby. When you hear serial and crime, you think white guy off the bat. 99% serial killers are white guys, right? Yes, the answer will be yes, fuck faces. Look, I'm as biased as anybody. Boy, this is a real right-wing town. No, that's not true. I don't give a shit what your stats are. There's a lot of black

fucking child rapists. The serial killers are mostly fucking white. Remember Patrice O'Neill, my fat black friend, the fucking great... Okay, he hated white people. Relax with your applause, all right?

Now listen. But we always argued about that. He always said, white boys are the serial killers of white boys. I'd be watching the news, there'd be a story about a serial killer,

my phone would ring, I'd pick it up and all I'd hear is, white boy, click. It's fucking Patrice. And I thought about it, and he's right. You know, most serial killers are white, but you know why?

To be a serial killer takes a lot of effort. It's like a full-time job. It's true. You've got to follow the kid around his elementary school for six months, and you have to go online for like 12 hours, find out what kind of chemicals dissolve bones in a tub in 10 minutes. It's not like black crime, you know. You step on somebody's foot in the champagne room at a titty bar,

so you shoot them on the dance floor 30 seconds later. Gee, I wonder if the detectives can figure this one out. This is a real puzzle. Black crime is just quick and fucking simple. You know that show, The First 48? They have a new one, The First 48 Seconds. It's just black crimes. Wow, the balcony's packed, too. Holy shit. Nice going, Goho. And yeah, I noticed he wasn't lumped in in the hashtag me too thing, Cosby. Apparently he was above that. He was actually pissed about it. His wife's still defending Cosby. He didn't do anything wrong. Bill's next door. He's got like pub wife still defending Cosby he didn't do

anything wrong bills next door he's got like pubes in his teeth I didn't know shit man fucking hashtag me too what a crock of shit okay let's I was I was with that movement for a few minutes then you took it way too far like most you lesbians do you go fucking crazy you know you know what I learned from hashtag me too from the whole thing guys are just hornier than women that's all I learned from that whole thing I asked my wife is that who's horny and men and women my wife cuz that's about even and then I proceeded to tell her this story and she hasn't brought the subject up in about two years and uh hey guys are just horny when I was 14 years old going through And then I proceeded to tell her this story, and she hasn't brought the subject up in about two years.

Hey, guys are just horny. When I was 14 years old, going through puberty, I used to fuck my bed pillow until I came at least three times a week. By the time Friday rolled around, it was like sleeping on a microwave oven. I couldn't tell. Are there any statute of limitations on these hashtag MeToo?

Guys are being sued for rape 25 years later. I'm in a case right now. A woman sued me. The case is 51 years old. She said I kept touching her tits. And I'm like, yeah, it's called breastfeeding, mom. Get off the fucking, let it go. But like Harvey Weinstein is a piece of shit.

He should be in jail. He's a fucking legitimate rapist, in my opinion. Okay? But don't lump him in with my buddy Louie, who likes to whip his prick out next to the punch bowl every few fucking weeks. I mean, come on, we've all done that, right, fellas? Sometimes you're out with a girl on a date,

she's not picking up the vibe how much you like her. You have to give her a hint. What the fuck? One of those girls said she has post-traumatic stress syndrome from seeing Louis' dick. Oh really? That's the equivalent? Seeing a guy's cock is the equivalent of watching your buddy being blown up in fucking Iraq with an IED, you whore. Really? Louie was my old roommate.

I lived with him for a year and a half back in the 90s. I saw his dick maybe 12 times. I'd say four times consensually, to be honest with you. But, you know. But these broads get on their fucking hype. I see Whoopi Goldberg talking about hashtag MeToo. What the fuck does she know about sexual harassment? At what zoo?

Who the fuck wants a sexery house, a fucking beanbag chair with dreads? I mean, what the fuck? Joy Behar, when's the last time she was finger popped? On the Mayflower in 1650, that skank? Fucking... Fucking dick could land on the bridge of her nose, you wouldn't know what it was. Fucking Matt Lauer, that's the one that really pissed me off. Matt Lauer had a button under his desk in the office,

he could lock his door and lock his secretary in. And I'm like, what the fuck, why didn't I think of that? I have an office and a desk and a... But then I remembered I'm fucking married, what am I'm like, what the fuck? Why didn't I think of that? I have an office and a desk and a... But then I remembered I'm fucking married. What am I going to lock my wife in? Did you finish FBLT yet? You're not going anywhere.

I'll fucking... vacuum the corners. Fucking Harvey Weinstein. You think... It's revenge of the nerds. Like him and Louis didn't get pussy before they were rich and famous. You think Harvey Weinstein didn't get a lot of pussy? Now they don't know how to handle it. He was asking 20-year-old fucking actresses,

would you like to watch me take a shower? Yeah, Harvey, I moved out here from Oklahoma to become an actress, but I'd rather watch you rinse your big gray Jew balls in the sink at the Four Seasons on Hollywood Boulevard. That's why I'm here. We can do anything men can do. We can do any, this is what I've been hearing my whole life. We can do anything men can do. We can do anything men can do.

If that's true, how come every time I get on a plane today, I'm not on the plane two seconds, a woman comes up to me, can you help me lift my bags? Now I have something to say, I go, no, hashtag me too, bitch, fucking lift them yourself. Got an 18 inch neck and a mullet, you can lift those bags. Who are you shitting, you man hater? Can't lift them because your husband's head

and legs are in there, that's why you can't fucking lift them. You're a man hating machine, young lady. Fucking hashtag me too. All this shit. And they're trying to blame all this racism and sexism on fucking Trump. What a crock of shit. You know, I didn't like Trump as a TV personality, but I love him as a politician.

Okay? Fucking love him. They did everything they could to keep him from becoming president. Ooh, we have a videotape of Trump saying

he likes to grab pussies. What, Hillary doesn't? Where's that videotape with her face buried in a giant muff at Yale in 1976? Just look like a lion's mane. They didn't shave back then. They did everything they could. He's a fucking bullshitter and he's a salesman, which is what the fucking job calls for. This company's a corporation. You should have picked that up when he was running for president. He sounded just like a salesman. He was telling people what they wanted to hear. Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump, what about your healthcare plan? We'll be the healthiest people alive. Next question,

please. We'll have white teeth. We'll be orange and tan. It'll be beautiful. Mr. Trump, what about your tax plan? There won't be any taxes. I'll pay you. Just fucking both of you. I have to beat this fat bitch. Don't embarrass me up here, please. Can you guys not do that? Whoever's farting over there in section six. We have microphones everywhere. I can love them. Hillary's still out there saying, well I lost because of sexism. Well there was other reasons. First of all, it wasn't sexism. You're a guy. How can you lose? Guys hate guys. Is that sexism? What the fuck?

But there were other things. She wasn't the healthiest candidate, right? There were little subtle hints that she wasn't very healthy. Like a nine inch shit stain in her pantsuit as she's going up the stairs. Remember her trying to get into that SUV? She's like the elephant man, you know? I'm not an animal. I'm a human being. I, come here.

Secret service, get in the truck, they can see your shit stain. Those are M&M's, fuck you, those. I'm not an animal, I'm a human being, I. You're a thick-ankled, dog-faced, lying whore is what you are. Of money-grubbing, power-hungry, fucking lib who've turned into a corporate shell. is what you are, a money-grubbing, power-hungry

fucking lib who turned into a corporate shill. I would love to wake up and find out she passed away in her sleep last night. I would be ecstatic. I would jerk off to the autopsy photos. And it ain't because she's pretty. I'd be like, ah, the wicked witch is dead. There you go, Hillary. You've probably never seen this before.

Bill's downstairs. The cops are interviewing him. He's in a wife beater. I'll fuck her. I don't know what happened. I heard a big thump upstairs. She banged her head or some shit. I don't know what the fuck happened.

I got to go fucking fuck this IHOP wait for about 20 minutes. Can you clean this shit up? I gotta get out of here. And you young people, Bernie Sanders, you thought he was gonna be your savior. The old Bernie Sanders, the old wrinkled Jew who... You guys thought you're gonna... I'm talking about the young people, okay?

You thought you were gonna get free handjobs, chocolate ice cream, red wagons. Just an old bitter Jew who couldn't make it. I like when Bernie talks. It's like he's writing an imaginary letter to Santa Claus. I know a few girls got sexually harassed in my campaign a few years ago. Their tits were grabbed in the shower

and somebody pick up on somebody. I didn't know about it. I was so busy making the case. We'll try to do better. You fucking kids get off my lawn. I like him. He's out of his mind, but he's a miserable. I like miserable people who are just fucking unhappy for no reason whatsoever.

He actually, the most interesting story during that election was about Bernie Sanders. You guys can Google this. He used to write erotica for a magazine in New York City. He wrote an article saying when women are having sex with their husbands, they're secretly fantasizing about being raped by three guys at once. That's how you know he's a real socialist. Even in his rape fantasy, he's sharing the pussy three ways. I want to redistribute pussy. It's trickling up to the 1%.

They're getting all the pussy. Sexist pig. But he hides it. The other reason Bernie lost, other than it was rigged, he couldn't get the black vote. He could not get the black vote. I kept emailing him, change your first name to Colonel. What the fuck?

Right in front of you. Wake up. If you don't like that joke, you're dead inside or you're a liberal. Either way, I got a black lady laughing her ass off. She knows the truth. Kind of a young version of Esther Rolle sitting right there. Fucking beautiful. Yeah, I fucking love Trump.

Wants to build a wall. I think that's stupid. Why build a fucking wall when you have machine guns and flamethrowers? Why build a fucking wall when you have machine guns and flamethrowers? Another great joke wasted on faggy, liberal, mind-fucked MSNBC watchers. We don't even talk about using weapons to defend. What a fucking, where are we? You gonna tell me if you picked off one of those creeps coming over the fence

anybody else would follow for the next ten years? Answer me. Answer me, you fucks. No. over the fence anybody else would follow for the next 10 years answer me. Answer me you fucks! No! Okay you don't have to kill him that's a little too medieval for you people. Okay just a super soaker filled with cat piss just fucking drench him. Be inventive with the wall make it like the green monster at Fenway. You know, put seats at the top, people with rifles. Every time an illegal gets killed, the guy comes out and puts a one up on the board. Put up a crooked number, Trump.

I will. Trump actually had a great idea during the, He couldn't have come up with this line. Somebody must have given him this line. They were saying, the press a couple weeks ago, a wall is medieval. And Trump goes, well, a wheel is medieval. We're still using that. It's a great fucking line.

You should compromise. Make the wall out of wheels. 30 feet, that wouldn't work. The Mexican side would be missing hubcaps after the first three weeks. You know, they'd be floating across the river with the tires. There's a hole in the wall.

Let's float through that thing. I watch a lot of Fox News. You might have picked up on that a little bit. I don't watch it for the right-wing slant. I watch it for the pussy. Let me be honest. But you gotta admit, right? The girls are really pretty on Fox, fellas.

You have to, come on, Martha McCallum, fellas? You wouldn't boil her panties, make a nice hard cider for yourself? Shannon Breen. Do you know how many times I've masturbated to Shannon Breen. Do you know how many times I've masturbated to Shannon Breen? Today? About seven. Fucking stunning.

And thanks to the pause button on my remote control, I know what all these women look like with their eyes closed and their mouth open. in their mouth open. Shannon Brames like, and the president met with a con- Look at honey, she's licking my face, she likes me.

Shannon, you want communion? Oh, she's Catholic. It's kind of embarrassing, your wife walks in, you get your pants down to your ankles, she's like, what are you watching? I'm like, Hannity, what the fuck you think I'm watching? Somebody has a discerning eye for beautiful women who does the hiring at Fox

and I'm ruling out Shepard Smith. I don't like Trump. He looks like a guy that used to beat me up. Okay, Shepi. The other reason I watch Fox News is for the commercials. All the products are for people in their late 90s. And I'm starting to want some of this shit. There's a fine line between somebody in their 90s

and a lazy guy in his 50s, you know? Who doesn't want a tub with a fucking door that opens? I'm 57 years old, I have the balls of a Great Dane. I don't want to do this in front of the mirror every morning. Oh, Jesus Christ. The acorn stair lift? You don't want an acorn stair lift in your house? You come home shit-faced on a Saturday night,

that staircase to your bedroom looks like Mount fucking Everest, do you shit me? Just strap yourself in. Wife's coming down the stairs, fuck you bitch, I'm drunk, catch me. Clothes liner. I love those commercials with the acorn stale. If the woman's like 97 years old,

you can't tell if she's going upstairs or to heaven. See you later, catch ya. Grammy hasn't taken a good dump in three weeks. I might see ya, I might not. Grammy hasn't taken a good dump in three weeks. I might see you, I might not. Catheter? Who doesn't want a catheter?

Come on. It's three in the morning, you want to get up to piss? Fuck that. Run a tube from my dick to the toilet. I'm not getting up. I'm staying in bed and counting my Rosendale Gold Capital Medals. Hello, I'm William Devane.

I know! I'm a little, you know, I'm right-wing, but I'm not a fucking religious fanatic. I'm not a... Anybody religious here? I love asking this question in New York. Not once has anybody raised their hand. I might as well go, who's got Hep C? Religion, how do you catch that?

That's gross. How do you fucking step on a dirty nail? How do you catch religion? I'm not religious either, folks. But I admire religious people. I hate people who hate religious people. I admire them because they believe in something. They actually believe in something.

I believe in nothing. I'm fucking empty inside. I'm like a chocolate Easter bunny. I'm hollow. I have no fucking... My mother's very religious. 81 years old, goes to church every Sunday.

She told me I'm supposed to live my life the way Jesus lived his. Well, that's setting the bar a little high, isn't it, Mom? Jesus rose from the dead. I can't get up before noontime after six old duels.

Jesus forgave the very people that killed him. I haven't talked to my best friend since high school because he spilled Yoo-Hoo on my letter jacket. Jesus was in a cave with a rock in front of it and disappeared I get caught in a fucking revolving door at the bank

for 20 minutes the other day you know how embarrassing my mother's religious believes in heaven and all that shit my dad doesn't believe in any of it and they're both in their 80s

they're getting near the end of the line and I notice my mother is a lot more comfortable with the concept of dying than my dad is. He's always talking about it. He's nervous about it.

My mother thinks she knows where she's going. It's like watching two people pack for a long trip. One of them already has a room reserved at the Hyatt Hotel. Meanwhile, my dad's

ripping through Yelp two minutes before the plane leaves. All these rooms are tiny with no air conditioning and bright red. Yes, welcome to the Motel 666, fuckface. You're gonna burn in hell. Yeah, my dad doesn't believe in that stuff.

Religious people take it too far, though. This is why people start to hate religious people. I'm watching a story on the news the other night. A young girl's behind the wheel driving. She looks down at her phone and drifts into oncoming traffic, was killed by an 18-wheel truck instantly. Her mother's on the news that night going, God called her home today.

Well, if you look at the accident report, he texted her, number one. And number two, I mean, what kind of religion kills people with trucks, right? I mean, that's right, Islam. Great joke. Great joke. Yeah.

Let it out, white people. You know, I mean, she looked down and God texted her, I guess. I don't know. I don't care much of an ATC. You look down and your text says

delivered by God. You're going to pull over. And then you see a fucking eggplant emoji. You're like, oh, it's my friend Bill with a big black dick. That's what it's like.

He's busting my balls. You young people better stop with the texting behind the wheel. People are getting killed left and right. I feel more comfortable that you assholes are off the road, but that's not how I want to see you done. I mean, but you, oh, again, all so sensitive. Oh, my nipples, that one stung, Nick. Nick, that was a little too much. We all know somebody who, no, you don't. They have a whole campaign targeted to young people. It's called It Can Wait.

In other words, a text can wait. You should look at it. That's, that's, not all texts can wait. Let's be honest. Let's say you're a 14-year-old boy in high school. You've been drooling over this girl in English class for two years. She never talks to you. All of a sudden, she fucking texts you at three in the morning.

I'm going to blow you behind the Fuddruckers in ten minutes. That text cannot wait, my friends, okay? If I'm that kid, I'll be telling this story the rest of my fucking life in a wheelchair. I couldn't believe it. She tongued my balls and then she was biting my nipples

and she never even looked at me. I couldn't believe it. Diane wanted me so bad. I can't. Look, I'm doing donuts. I'm so happy. I can't believe Diane wanted me so bad. I can't. Look, I'm doing donuts. I'm so happy. I eat. Yeah, let's go to a titty bar. Does the Gold Club have ramps?

Let's go. Yeah, let's go. What's that got to do with religion? I digress. I'm sorry. Back to the other gentleman. But the problem with religion is you don't get to pick it, right? When you're a kid, they slap it on you. Like I'm Catholic. I didn't pick that. I was like 10 months old. I'm naked. They bring me to some Catholic priest. They splash water on my face. I'm hoping that was water. I've been hearing stories.

Felt a lot like hair gel to me, but I'm pretty sure... My mom knows. I trust my mom. I'm pretty sure I was safe with three priests naked, dunking me in water. I think that's called waterboarding,

isn't it, mom? What the fuck? But you ever think about confession? How creepy that is? I mean, I know it's easy to pick on Catholicism,

but some of it is creepy. Confession, what am I, eight, nine years old, I have to go into a dark closet with a grown man and tell him my sins through a little window? I might as well be reading him a penthouse letter for Christ's sake. By the time I'm done confessing, that little window looks like the bottom of a parakeet's cage. at the bottom of a parakeet's cage.

Too gross? Okay, the sneeze guard at the Harris Buffet at Vegas at three in the morning. Why am I telling him I'm nine years old? I looked at Karine Conway's tits for two seconds. Telling this to a guy who's got the shit of a Cub Scout on his nuts. Why am I telling this guy? Wow, I turned into fucking an ISIS member

with that type of material. It's creepy. You've got to admit, though, some of this shit is really creepy. The Bible. I'm reading the Bible. Sure I was I did I started then a lot of that stuff is right they don't even mention the pyramids in the Bible the pyramids

around a thousand years before the Bible was written and then somebody explained to me the reason it's not mentioned that people who wrote the Bible don't want to acknowledge the accomplishments of their oppressors. It's sort of like Chuck Todd not mentioning Trump's economy on Meet the Press. It's a great joke. How did they fucking... Even back then the Jews controlled the media apparently. That you laugh at. Okay, cohoes, I'm the fucked up one. You were waiting for the anti-Semitic part to laugh.

The first part you were offended by. Right? The Bible was their social media. Scripture used to be a letter from Paul to the Corinthians. Now it's a tweet from Michael Moore to the Republicans. You know, it's all the... I like the Cain and Abel story. That's my favorite one out of all the Bible things.

You know, Adam and Eve's kids, they offered gifts to God. God accepted one of them and didn't accept the other one. The brother got killed. Cain killed his brother Abel. But Cain was a farmer. He offered wheat and grain to God. Why would you offer wheat and grain to the guy that created the universe? That's like giving Bill Gates a fucking gift card to Best Buy. Ooh, 20 cents off a USB cable.

Thanks a lot, Timmy. I fucking invented it, you asshole. What else you got for me? And then Cain got pissed, so he killed his brother, and God punished him and said, you have to wander the earth aimlessly for the rest of your lives. Reminds me of a Father's Day

that we had at our house a few years ago. I gave my dad a $120 Armani sweater. My brother gave him like a $12 necktie. He never wears my sweater. Wears the fucking tie every day. I mean, I didn't kill my brother over it. I pinned him down and gave him tit twists for like 45 minutes.

Then my dad punished me and made me wander the earth aimlessly. If you don't believe it, look at my for like 45 minutes, but... Then my dad punished me and made me wander the earth aimlessly. If you don't believe it, look at my tour dates at nickdip.com. Thank you. That deserves a smattering. And then the food. You know, Muslims can't eat pork.

That's the other white meat that they hate. Oh, we can't laugh at that, even though we hate them at home. We're not going to laugh in public at that. This is a TV taping. Jewish people and their food, kosher food rules, they make me belly laugh. You can't eat an animal unless it was killed humanely.

Okay, does a deer that I vaporized on the sawmill parkway at 180 miles an hour when I was drunk, does that count? I'm pretty sure he didn't feel anything. I was doing about $1.60 and sucking on his antlers, getting off the exit. These are delicious. I don't think he felt a thing. Can't eat the animal unless it was killed humanely.

I picture a rabbi strapping his pet goat into the passenger side of his Volvo and turning on the car and shutting the garage door. car and shut the garage door. I can't breathe. Yeah, you can't eat it unless the fucking thing was killed humanely. And the other rule of kosher food, when you're killing the animal, you gotta do one slice. You can't saw the neck back and forth. So we know OJ's in a juke, right? I think we can... Uh, too soon for that one, folks? Come on, it was, uh, 48 years ago. Sweating like I could fucking jauntice up here. What is going on?

Keep those borders open. Fucking, I'm glad I get to drive. I do any gigs that I, I don't want to get on a plane any fucking way. I went to Boca Raton last week and first time I get on a plane in about six months and it reminded me why I don't do it.

Person in front of me, emotional support, puppy. Lady behind me, emotional support, cat. People are riding llamas and shit, fucking deer. But don't bring a peanut on the plane. That might fucking, somebody could be allergic to a peanut. I get 19 inches of cat dander on my forehead, but don't show me a payday bar. That's like ricin, motherfucker motherfucker get that shit out of my way

Tired of traveling and hotel, you know I You know, I am a I guess I'm a nationalist. I lean right. I don't know what the fuck I am But yeah, I'm a nationalist and I'm white, but I'm not supposed to say that. I believe in the country as a whole and I'm white, but don't say that. That makes you a Nazi. Suck my ass. Suck my ass. If you lean right in your politics,

people on the left say, when you use the word globalist, that's code for Jew. Now they're telling me what my words fucking mean. Although they might have a point. I was trying to sell my car the other day. This guy was really globaling me down.

I'll tell you what. I need a good lawyer. Anybody know a globalist? I mean, a... Discapelian? I don't know what to say to you. But the progressives love to show off their brains.

You can't get away from it, you know? Fucking, I'm confronting globalists. I'm checking into the Hyatt Hotel in Boston. Beautiful hotel. Girl behind the counter goes to me, would you like the green eco package? And I go, okay,

what kind of Matt Damon wet dream are you about to explain to me? And sure enough, I was right. She goes, for every day here that you don't use

the maid service, we'll give you 500 points on your next day at a Hyatt hotel. And I said to her, I guess you don't know what married guys do when they finally get

to a hotel by themselves alone with their iPad, U-Porn, unlimited lotion, and I said to her, I guess you don't know what married guys do when they finally get to a hotel by themselves alone with their iPad, U-Porn, unlimited lotion, pizza delivery menus. You should see my bed after the first half hour. It looked like it was a gang rape at a Papa John's. I got this DNA on the headboard, marinara sauce on the comforter, a whole chicken carcass under the sheets. They have to call in Matt Hooper from Jaws to find out what happened to my bed.

Well, this was no boating accident. And I wasn't a hooker on the rag either. Do you call the cops? This is ridiculous. This is obviously the non-frenzy feeding of a bitter headliner who's been on the road for 31 years. You've got a bigger problem. He's still out there touring, Martin. Does that bother you people?

Hotels are not washing the bedding under the guise of conserving water. I said to the fucking lady, yeah, they're not washing the bedding. I said to the lady, did the guy that stayed in my room before me, did he have the Green Eagle package? How about the people that stayed in the room before him?

Did they have the Eagle package? Am I going to be rolling around in somebody's mud or does he have plaques, rices, sweat for the next three days? For Christ's sake. Conserving water so Kimba in Nigeria could have a drink without a mouthful of fish eggs. Tough shit. He was born in a shithole. You heard the president.

It's not my fault. I'm just trying to wash my hair and clean my ass. So I go in to use the shower at the Hyatt in Boston. They have a water-saving shower head. Took me 40 minutes to get my hair damp. Just standing there fucking fuming for like 40 minutes. Finally, I felt a drop. Turns out I was crying.

I was so goddamn angry. It was like an 80-year-old guy pissing on me with a large prostate. Now, you people are saying, Nick, how do you know what that's like? Well, I had some money problems when I got out of college, and I did what I had to do. I am not homophobic. I'll do anything for cash. Let's be honest. I hooked up with Ben Clausen. And then I go to use the toilet. I look in the toilet. There's two tablespoons of water in the toilet total.

Two tablespoons. I just spent 60 bucks on myself at Chipotle. I don't think that's going to get it done. 70 pounds of beans and rice, that's going to take it out to the Hudson? I don't know. I think you might want to give me an eye drop more. That's not going to fucking...

All to conserve water, all these weird rules. You know, if you don't flush the toilet the whole time, I drop more. That's not gonna fucking... All to conserve water. All these weird rules. You know, if you don't flush the toilet the whole time you're here at the high, it'll cut to me squatting over an ice bucket

at three in the morning. I'm gonna see the Dominican Republic from 50 bucks. I'm not gonna flush that fucking toilet. I'm gonna get 500 points and take my wife.

I think she'll enjoy that. Fucking this much water we're recycling shit water there's not a temperature high enough that you can boil my shit water that I want it back in my life

for the next 40 years okay let the DeSanti company scoop it up and sell it to people in nice plastic bottles okay thank you

then I go to you know Let the DeSanti company scoop it up and sell it to people in nice plastic bottles, okay? Thank you. Then I go to, you know, yeah, fuck this shit. We're recycling shit water. Do you understand? We, look, I'm not a wasteful person. I grew up in the 70s. My dad was a Marine. If I left the lights on in the house, he'd knock me out, you know?

But we take this stuff too far. When I say we, I'm talking about liberal fuckstains. Are you with me? You remember? You remember Sheryl Crow, that titless wonder? Had a few hits back in the 90s. She actually said this in an interview. She said, after you have a bowel movement,

you should use no more than one square of toilet paper to clean yourself. I wouldn't want to be her manicurist, huh? Oh, Mr. Clow, you got shit under your nail. You got poop under your nail, Mr. Clow. You can't use one square. You got four or five square toilet paper to go shit under your nail. You got poop under your nail, Mr. Clow.

You can use a four or five square toilet paper, there's shit on your nail. You got poop on there now, Mr. Clow. You can use a four, five square toilet paper. What do you do? Imagine her fingernails, looks like a mechanic who worked on a transmission for 14 hours. Got the, got the hands of Demi Moore in Ghosts after the pottery scene.

I mean, Jesus H. Christ. One square of toilet paper? What are you living on? A grape and a crouton a week? I just had four slices of pizza, six donuts and a pot of coffee. The AIDS quilt is not going to clean up this mess. One square.

How about one square mile of the rainforest to make the paper to clean up the mess I just made? Got doo-doo in my eyebrows for Christ's sake. What are you... Be honest to God. Guys really are, I hear girls saying there aren't many real guys anymore. I'm starting to believe it.

Really emasculated. I'm watching college football. I've seen this about four times this year while watching college football. Guys are just turning into little sissies. I'm watching like Nebraska-Oklahoma. Nebraska scores at Oklahoma, and they cut to four

college-age guys in the crowd, and this is their reaction. That is not the reaction of a young man in college. That's the reaction of a woman when you give her a diamond ring or fucking, you know, a leather jacket

or a nice dick pic she's looking at or something. What if your Uncle Joe who fought in World War II the first time he saw her jap, he went... Oh, God. Oh, God, he looks mean.

Oh! You know what I'm saying? I'm 57. My parents are still alive, technically. They are getting really old and I hate calling home. My mother answers the phone. It's like calling the obituary hotline.

She starts rattling off everybody that's died within a mile of my house in the last nine years. She sounds like Belushi at the end of Animal House. Niedermeyer dead. Bob Berry dead.

Consoli dead. Hayes dead. Thompson dead. Consoli, dead. Hayes, dead. Thompson, dead. I go, Ma, how did Mrs. Hayes die? My mother goes, she was walking to church. She slipped on some ice and fell, and her hip bone came right through her ass. But that's not the funny part.

Then she goes, she almost bled out on the sidewalk. I go, you just used the word bled out? You're an 81-year-old white woman. What are you, dating El Chapo? What the fuck? Bitch almost died on the sidewalk, nigga. Bled out on the fucking side.

I go, how did Mr. Consoli die? My mother goes, he was in his wood shop, which is in the garage, making a bird feeder. And then his family realized he was missing after 44 days. And they just found him sitting there, you know, dead. A bunch of angry pigeons, you know, just crapped all over him because the house wasn't done. He looked like he could hit with a gallon of whiteout.

His glasses are crooked. Even his kids are giggling. Yeah, Dad's dead, but he looks like an asshole. I gotta be honest with you. That's how you die. God has a mean sense of humor. He really does. You walk into a church,

go into his house, and he makes you slip and fall, and your fucking hip bone comes through your ass, and you bleed out. Doing a nice thing, making a birdhouse, and you fucking just croak there.

He's just a dick, isn't he? When you think about it. Gladys is up there. I didn't know cohoes were so fucking religious. You people make me sick. He's got a mean sense of humor you know I'm gonna see Gladys is up there vacuuming nine-year-old woman by

herself on the third floor God's up there with Pete watching hey Pete watch you she's gonna catch her toe on that cord about three seconds there goes fucking Gladys 21 cartwheels later. Lands on her husband's air hose. He's in the other room trying to watch Matlock. Now he can't breathe.

He's like, God's laughing so hard he's making the same noise. See that? Pete, two for one. They didn't go to church. Fuck them. I got those. That's how you die, folks. You fall down the stairs,

a hip comes, you know what I mean? You're laying in a puddle of your own piss on a kitchen floor, yelling into a bracelet your family welded on your wrists. You didn't even know. You were welding bracelets on old people

like we're tracking white sharks on Nat Geo, for Christ's sake. That's why I hate those Life Alert commercials. They open up and the lady's already on the floor. Have you seen that latest one? The lady's at the bottom of the stairs with a clothes basket. This clothes.

But there's a disclaimer before the commercial. It says you may be offended by the following. Why the fuck would that offend me? I'm offended that I didn't see her falling down the five flights of fucking stairs. See a lady flying through the air like Evel Knievel at Caesar's Palace in 1976. That's what I want to see.

Not her laying there half-dead. What fun is that? Ah, I fell down. There's a lady, this is a true story, you can Google it. There's a woman suing Life Alert right now. Her mother died on the kitchen floor. When you yell into a Life Alert bracelet, it's supposed to dial 911. She yelled into it, it dialed a Gap store

in Aurora, Illinois, at a mall. I just pictured some pimple-faced teenager folding sweaters, he's got the headset on I'm bleeding from my ass, help! Sorry ma'am, I work in shoes I don't know, maybe I can give you somebody in pants I don't know about asses, I can Jesus Christ, I didn't sign up for this

That's how you die It's not pretty It's not like in the movies, you're laying there in bed, all your family surrounding you, you know. Since of course there's always one estranged son missing. Where's Timmy? Well, he's opening a Broadway play, Dad.

He'll be here in a couple days. So my mother's My parents' friends Are dropping dead By the dozens They're like fucking Hummels on a crooked shelf Just sliding off And smashing

I've been to two funerals And two wakes In the last seven months I'm so sick of Renting tuxedos And top hats For these fucking people That's what I wear

I show the proper respect. I go, oh, fucking Mr. Consoli. I bought a bird feeder off this asshole. He didn't even finish it. Let me look at my gold watch. People don't dress up anymore. My grandmother died.

My buddy shows up with a Dustin Pedroia T-shirt on. What the fuck? She's from Italy. She was born in 1885. I don't think she really appreciates a fucking four, six, three double play, okay? Fuck, please. I like wakes better than funeral. You know why I like wakes? You get to kneel down next to a dead

body like two feet away. That doesn't happen that often if you're white. Am I right, folks? It really is. Yeah. Fake white fucking offense. I'm kind of offended. He said black. You guys do what I do in a wake. You kneel down next to the casket. You pretend you're saying a prayer, but you're really browbeating the body like a psycho for five minutes. I stay up there

too long sometimes. Even at my grandmother's funeral, my dad yelled from behind, he goes, hey, what are you looking for? Signs of foul play? She's 98, for Christ's sake. He found her in the driveway,

not John Gotti's basement. Let somebody else stare at her, for Christ's sake. I was staring at my Grammy's makeup It was horrendous Apparently the makeup artist That do the Batman movies Broke into Peterson's funeral home

She looked like Heath Ledger Big white pasty giant face Fucking big red shit eating grin They should have propped her thumb up With super glue To make her look more natural. Don't get me wrong, my Grammy needed the makeup. She was not a looker, you know. In her prime, she looked like a young Bill Parcells.

Nice head of gray hair, saggy tits, sweater vest, fucking shitty attitude. Hey, put a headset on Matilda, She'll call a nickel package. Watch. It's not a case. I don't know why. And then my buddy's dad drops dead. Don't get sad. Nobody liked him. He's a loudmouth drunk. But I like the kid, so I went to the wake out of respect, right? And then I'm kneeling down and looking at his father in the casket, and I'm getting irritated. And I'm going, what is bothering me about this picture? And then it dawned on me, every time I met this guy when he was alive, he was in shorts and a wife beater and flip-flops.

Now he's in front of me in like a $3,000 Armani suit, $800 shoes. What a phony fuck. That's a waste of clothes. Does Calvin Klein know the shit that he works on for three years is going right into the hole and be covered in maggots in ten minutes? It's a waste of clothes. How about the fucking immigrant digging the hole of the cemetery making 40 bucks a week? He could use a pair of pants couldn't he? You know what happens soon as the family leaves the cemetery, the immigrant pulls the suit off the fucking guy, brings the casket home, makes a go-kart for his 12 kids. The next day you look out the window at your neighbor's garden and he's cutting roses in

a Hugo Boss. La camisa, las pantalones Muy bien, eh All those clothes You ever think about that? Talk about waste and shit Once you wear a toilet paper Take off your clothes Before they fucking bury it

It's a waste You guys see a cemetery You think what? You think dead people I think men's warehouse You're gonna like the way you look Well, not in a couple years But right now I think men's warehouse. You're gonna like the way you look. Well, not in a couple years, but right now, you're gonna like the way you look.

Hey, Billy needs a suit for the prom. Where's my shovel? I'll be back in 20 minutes. What's the big fuckin' Cut to Billy slow dancing with his date. He's got maggots on his collar. Who got tonight? Who needs tomorrow? Hey, Billy, his suit smells like shit. Fuck you, it's formaldehyde. My dad got it for me, $11 at Forest Lawn.

It's a waste of clothes. I have it in my will. I don't think my wife will do it. I want her to rip my suit off me at the cemetery in front of everybody. Right down to my tighty-whities and dump me in that hole. Just like Joe Pesci at the end of Casino.

My brother's like, he's still breathing. My wife's like, he's not still breathing. He's fucking dead. That's how I want to go in my underwear. Then we had to go, in my underwear. Then we had to go to an estate planner, me and the wife. We're at that age, that's when you go to get your financial affairs in order before you

die. I'm at that fucking age? Well, that ought to take a long time. I've sold 22 CDs in a 30-year comedy career. Hope my nieces and nephews don't break their back picking up that pot of gold. So we go to see these Jews. I mean lawyers. I mean globalists.

I mean lawyers. And this one lawyer hated my guts the minute I walked in. He must have been a big lib. He knows my comedy and shit. Hated me for the whole hour we were in there. He kept using this term. We're talking about we were in there. He kept using this term, we're talking about dying and Wilson. He kept using this term,

and every time he'd say it, he would point to me with a stern look in his face. He goes, let's say you get hit by a bus tomorrow. After like the third time, I said, let's say my wife gets hit by the fucking bus and I'm driving it. You want to paint a real picture, counselor? Yeah, I'm driving it.

My girlfriend's sitting in my lap. She's staring. I'm working the pedals because she's 17. She doesn't have her license yet. We're backing over her legs and over. I go, why do you have me

getting killed in this story by a bus four times? What am I, 80 years old and living in the park? I'm out of the Greyhound bus station in a tent? What the fuck? And then he looks at me and asks the big question. Now, Mr. DiPaolo, we had the living will discussion.

If your wife was in a vegetative state, would you have a problem pulling the plug on her? That's when I spit coffee out my nose, my eye holes, I was fucking belly laughing for like 11 minutes. And he's like, what's so funny? I'm like, well, I tried to strangle her with an extension cord two weeks ago. That's sort of like foreshadowing your question, isn't it, counselor? There's electricity involved.

Would I have a problem pulling a plug on a woman who fucks me once every three months, busts my balls 24-7 into a fine dust, hates my family? I think I could muster up the will to up. Are you shitting me? I'll be in the basement of the hospital pissing on the generator.

Whoops, I spilled another big gulp on the nurse's computer. We got a code blue in the witch's room. I mean my wife's room, code blue, everybody. And they ask my wife the same thing. You don't think she feels the exact same way? They said, Mrs. DiPaolo, would you have a problem if your husband was in a vegetative state pulling the plug on her? And she's like, would I have a problem pulling a plug on this verbally abusive guinea whose showbiz career consists of opening at Fuddruckers and playing co-hosts three times a year.

A guy who asked me to marry him at my physical peak, I could have blown any hedge fund manager in the country, been set for fucking life. This doesn't take electricity, counsel. Hand me that letter opener. Thank you. My wife better pray that I die first because she is the smart one out of the two. I know that's very fucking cliche to say, but it's true. She keeps my books. She was a great accountant, went to school for finance. She's a genius. I can't even work my fucking email. If she dies first, her body is not gonna see a cemetery

for six, seven years. I'm gonna have her corpse in my garage, leaning against a canoe with a tarp over it. There's gonna be squirrels nesting in her ass cracks, spiders in her eye holes, fucking smell coming out of my garage I'll be in her office trying to open the dead folder on her computer and this part is true she has a folder on her computer

it's for me it's labeled when I die it's where all the attorney's numbers are and all the money and shit I have a folder on my desktop it's labeled when she dies you open it up it's a picture of three of her friends I've wanted to fuck for the last ten years. So, there it goes.

I had a great time. ស្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប� guitar solo Outro Music