The Nick DiPaolo Show - ADL Lectures Elon Musk | Nick Di Paolo Show #1450

Episode Date: September 5, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about College Football, Biden's lies and a whole lot more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 The hyperbole is done. Now we can finally play the game. Look at that. Oh, my goodness. One man. Goodbye. Joe Haskins. Intercepted by Teague.

George Teague to the end. Ooh, the sound, the pageantry. We're going to play football. Yes, sir. The great Keith Jackson, ladies and gentlemen, the late, great Keith Jackson. I've told this story before. I went to do a voiceover audition for a commercial in L.A.

Who's coming out of the booth? I'm next. Keith fucking Jackson. And I looked at the guys. Yeah. I said it right out loud. I go, you've got to be shitting me. And, of course, the two fags that are running the audition

had no idea who he was. I said, if he was a fucking drag queen, you would have asked for his autograph. And he said to me, how are you doing? Let me sum up a rivalry between Michigan and Ohio State. Well, it's about not liking somebody since about 1939. The best. Anyways, that's right.

I'm talking college football. Welcome to the show, folks, for the first segment. So if you're gay or Jewish, you might want to tune out. What? That's not fair. Life's not fair. Yes. All's right with the world again. And forget how to do the show. Oh, here's a button. Did you guys watch any of this? I know most of you, you know, if your right wing is traditional, the chances are you do love college football. It's very Americana.

It's the only thing, by the way, that brings us together that we can agree on, sports in general. And, of course, you know, the left's trying to fuck that up too with the Colin Kaepernicks of the world and the angry dyke from the soccer team uh but uh let me tell you the most impressive thing I saw was uh again if you guys follow college football you know that uh Deion Sanders became head coach of the Colorado Buffaloes and they won one game last year they were the worst 127th on offense and 129th on defense i mean there's like 132 teams that's right that's right and they were literally the worst so they bring on bring in dion of course all the young brothers who are talented want to play for the superstar right and um he was at jackson, did a nice job.

So what he did was purge the program. He came in there and said, hey, if you don't like to do it my way, you go somewhere else, and a lot of kids did. When they started this season, there was 112, 112, I didn't know any squads were that big. Only 25 were from a year or two ago that were already going to Colorado that stayed. He brought in 68 new guys, and everybody was telling him, you can't do that. There's no chemistry, blah, blah, blah, this, that. You know, you can't tell prime time.

You can't tell them nothing. Anyways, he's got a son at quarterback, and I'm going to, you know, I got to admit, I was doing this stereotype. If he's Deion Santa's son, he's going to be an unbelievable athlete, but he's probably going to be one of these quarterbacks that runs every time. No, I couldn't have been more wrong. This kid was

throwing darts. A couple times he could have scrambled and chose to throw. He was un... First game at this level breaks a Colorado University record. Throws for 510 yards. He was like 38 of 47

or some shit like that. Four touchdowns, no picks, I don't think. On the road and not against a cupcake. That's right. On the road against TCU, who was in the national championship game. So you can say whatever you want. I mean, holy shit.

And there was one other guy. What was the receiver? Hunter. This kid. This might be the greatest physical feat I have. People are going to take this for granted. He plays both ways. Just like Dion used to.

Wide receiver and cornerback. If you know anything about football, nobody runs more during a game than a wide receiver and a cornerback. Because even when you're not in the play, you're running a pattern and you're covering a guy in a pattern. I mean, this kid played both ways, 129 snaps. But get this, it was 108 degrees on the field when the game started this kid didn't miss a fucking snap oh by the way he had 119 yards receiving there was one play um he caught a guy from behind tcu guy broke away he caught the guy from behind i don't think it was an interception it was was a run by TCU's

not TCU. Who do they play? TCU. I get hit in a softball game. He chased the guy down. It looked like he was going for a touchdown. He broke away down the side. This kid comes out of nowhere, tackles him. Three plays later he intercepts the ball in the end zone.

So he stopped him from scoring once and then twice. and then he goes back on offense. It was insane. And then they had a running back. I think it was his first game at this level. Dion's known him since he was a little kid. And he had four touchdowns.

And they were impressive. Yes, they gave up a lot of points, but that's TCU. And I'm sure Deion knows a little about defense. They'll tighten that up. But watch the fuck out, man. They said it couldn't be done. You can't bring in 68 score and, you know, have them mesh that quick.

Oh, you want to bet? Oh, it was terrific. Interesting precedent, too. Unbelievable. He was, I know he breaks the record and again they were they've already equaled their wins um what else did i watch uh that's the beauty of this portal thing you put on a game and it's like every time a guy makes a play they're like well he just transferred from alabama he wasn't happy he You know, he's at BC now or fucking Oh, Texas State

upsets Baylor. Anyways, I'm skipping through that, scrolling through the shit here. I'm just going off the top of my head. Big one, Duke. Duke last night against friggin

Clemson. Sorry, man. A lot of alcohol this week. Duke versus Clemson. Clemson was what? What do they rank? Ninth? Something like that? And as you know, Duke's been getting better every year.

They won 10 games last year. And let me tell you something. They put it on Clemson last night. Clemson made a lot, I mean, a lot of mistakes. Twice inside the five and they fumble it. And anyways, Duke looked every bit the part playing at that level. Their defense was as fast as anything. It was impressive. And then also Florida State might've been the most impressive I saw overall. They put it on LSU and I don't mean just beat them. They were bullying

them by the end of the game, running over people. You don't see that happen to fucking LSU. Okay, you guys are bored out of your tits. Let's move on. We do have Sanders on video. We do have, have I ever done this show before? Jesus Christ. Let me just let the, I'm letting the shit run. Here's Dion after the game. I told you to come. You thought we was joking. And guess what? We keep receipts.

God bless you, America. Thank you, Jesus. I'm so thankful right now. Look at my son, man. My pot right here, man. My son, my other son. He forgot his son. This is a blessing.

My 12-letter son. Everybody, Buff Nation, who supported us, and all the hood that had my back, I thank y'all. God, this is good and all the hood that had my back. I thank y'all. God, this is good. All the hood that had my back. Why? Was there a lot of white people in the suburbs coming after you?

What the fuck does that even mean? You can't take the hood out of the hood. He's as straight as it gets. But you know what? I am, I'm loving him for turning these kids into disciplined guys. I mean, tremendous. He backed up everything he said he was going to do. They got Nebraska next week. I know you guys are sick of it,

but Minnesota also in the last play of the game, like close to it, tied it up against Nebraska and beat them. Poor Nebraska. And Fresno State over Purdue. that was a big one. Northern Illinois over Boston College. I didn't even know about that one. And we mentioned Texas State and Duke. Anyways, let's move on to something that the people who, let's say lighten the loafers. Oh, before I do that. Guys, head

over to nickdip.com. We're doing a commercial. To get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and to look good at the same time. I'll have merch with me at my shows next week in Buffalo and Cleveland. And you can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the NICA shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com and click on store. And a shout out to Anthony from Long Island who was spotted this weekend wearing a Nick DiPaolo show shirt. He actually bought two, one that I signed. So thanks to Anthony. Thanks to all of you who continue to support the funniest show on the

planet. Who? What? That's right. Three's Company. It's in reruns, you motherfuckers. Anyways. Good time to say this. In the second half of the show, I'll be talking about why the ADL, that's the Anti-Defamation League, why they picked a fight with Elon Musk at X, formerly known as Prince. And also another smash and grab where the criminal gets a real surprise. You got to see that footage. You're going to laugh your ass off. Anyways, let's go to Jerkoff Biden. When is he going to be done? Did I say go to Nick DiPaolo? NickDip.com. If you want DiPaolo? You did now. NickDip.com.

If you want to join the mug club, go to NickDip.com. It's the most important part of the plug. I don't know where the fuck I am today, folks. I have no idea. This is my wife's shirt. Listen. Let's move on. Personal foul bullshitting.

Good one, Dallas. President Biden's reelection campaign unveiled a new ad that will highlight his economic agenda during the NFL season fucking opener because he's done so well. Look at this piece of shit. He's going, I'm having a pain right here. Ass wipe. The ad will run on Thursday for the primetime opener game. But that's right.

Make me throw up between quarters. time opener game. That's right. Make me throw up between quarters. The prime time opener between the Lions and the Chiefs. Oh, I forgot the Lions were decent last year. It will target I can't even see. Battleground

States and appear on national cable networks as well as on digital and connected TV so you can listen to this jack off. Liar, liar, whore, liar, whore, you know it. Amen. The ad entitled Got to Work? It says Got to Work. Got to Work. Yeah. Got to Work. Why don't you take your own advice, shithead, and have an ice cream car? I hate you, fucking you and your wife. Outlines job. Listen to this.

It outlines job creations and work to bring down inflation during Biden's presidency. Well, you're the one who made it go up, you tit winder. It's a part of a 16-week, oh, they're going to work for four months, $25 million advertising blitz

and will run on broadcast and cable TV in Phoenix, Atlanta, Detroit, Vegas, Raleigh, North Carolina, Philly, and Milwaukee, all the places they stole. The spot will also run on Jill's forehead, which is huge. It'll run on national cable on MSNBC, CNN, and daytime Fox News. Why? Why? Why? And that's conveniently the entire football season, 16 weeks. Exactly. What? It's also COVID season coming up.

That's true. Huh? That's true. Enacting the fucking thing. Try it. I dare you to try that again. Please. Please try to make us wear masks like that black dude said. Did we show that? Or did I see that this weekend? I don't know.

Anyways, here's a shithead talking. They said millions would lose their jobs and the economy would collapse. Louis C.K. But this president refused to let that happen. Who said millions are going to lose their job? Did I miss something? When Trump left, wasn't the economy in good shape? Or am I dreaming? They fucking, these guys, I said to Dallas before the show, they have become a parody. This is like if an SNL put a commercial commercial together for a president campaigning this would be it

that's what because these Marxists that are running the place they just go pull up uh George H Bush he had a good camp and just emulate that and say jobs are going up the sofa blatant go ahead let fuck sting talk I can't take it he got to work fixing supply chains fighting corporate greed, passing laws to lower the cost of medicine, cut utility bills, and make us more energy independent. But make us more energy independent by not letting us drill? By buying oil from fucking China and...

What are you fucking talking about? Blowing up the pipeline? You lying cocksuckers. I think your brain is going soft. Talking to me? Go ahead. He's still got more lies. Inflation is down

to 3%. Unemployment, the lowest in decades. There's more to do, but President Biden is getting results that matter. I'm Joe Biden and I approve this message. Do you? Nobody else does, you shithead. You approve that message? You don't even know what you just said.

They recorded him saying, I approve this message when he was sitting in a lawn chair on the beach like a year ago. Just say this, sir. I'm going to use it. What a sap. Guys, it's incredible. You know what? Now, if I'm on the right of Republicans, I run that ad, right? And then I cut right to his popularity polling and his approval ratings and everything. They're talking like when Trump left, we were in a depression and shit. He fucked up the pipe. It was right after COVID, all the pipelines get fucked up.

He put Fag Pete Buttigieg in charge. He was nowhere to be found. Do you remember all the shit? Remember Putin's rose to, Putin's inflation? Because remember the gas was going through, he blamed Putin for that. I'm paid over $5 again, by the way.

That's backup. And they're talking about maybe making us get a Kovach again. Please, please try that. I'd fucking dare you. Anyways, let's move on. Oh, more of this sniping. The Labor Day liar. Biden on Monday threw numerous verbal jabs at his predecessor in a Labor

Day speech aiming to use his administration's record as a way to undermine the inroads Donald Trump had made into a core part of Biden's political coalition. In a speech to the sheet metal workers, what's there a hundred of them left? I worked in a sheet metal shop you know in high school in summertime fucking great come home and cuts and oh my god that shit's dangerous used to bend them in the machines and shit fucking great stuff love working with jaded Olga I call him old they were fucking younger than me not but they're in there like 50s yeah go ahead kid you

fucking go yeah but I think I need a tetanus shift. Up there, pussy. Get in there. In a speech to the sheet metal workers local, 19, in Philly. Wow. How to pick a fucking adverse audience. Biden put a sharp edge, get it, on his economic message, repeatedly referring to Trump as the last guy.

Because if he said Trump, he'd know. And the guy who held this job before me, probably because he can't remember. He thinks it's like Taft or McKinley. Look at this schmuck on wheels. Let's take a, let's listen to this guy who never won an election, didn't win the last one. You can suck my dick if you think he did. Go ahead. When the last guy was here, you were shipping jobs to China. We were? Now we're bringing jobs home from China.

When the last guy was here... You're bringing money home from China. When the last guy was here, your pensions were at risk. We helped save millions of pensions with your help. When the last guy was here. He looked at the world from Park Avenue. I look at it from Scranton, Pennsylvania. I look at it from Claremont, Delaware.

Yeah, at the beach on your fifth vacation. Not a joke. You're a joke. Someone said, you know, that Biden, he's getting old, man. Oh, that dirty cocksucker. Guess what? The only thing that comes with age is a little bit of wisdom.

Yeah, and a lot of dementia. I've been doing this, Lauren, anybody, and guess what? I'm going to continue to do it with your help. Okay? As the dumb people in the audience of all races nod, we should find where they live and burn them out of their houses.

Let's start the war today. I'm kidding, folks. I'm not for that type of shit yet. Look at the idiots. Look, can you imagine being that dumb, going to that rally? By the way, that's all the people he had there. And that's at Yankee Stadium on a Wednesday.

It's fucking schmucks on wheels. Take a big step back and literally fuck your own face! That was one of Trump's lawyers. We caught him this weekend, though. After he gave the speech, he went shopping in Philadelphia. It didn't go that well. See that giant ass blocking the way?

What a schmuck on wheels. Hey, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of this show. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show, Stephen Crowder's full show, which is produced like a movie it's tremendous it's tight it's educational it's funny and when i'm there it's even i'll tell you right through the the ratings i'm making all this up but right through the roof i dreamed uh every yeah everyone else go to nickdip.com and uh you get brian callan show and Alex Jones on Fridays, I think. I got the Hodge twins.

He's put together a murderous row of right-wingers. And anyways. Also, when you're on my website, nickdip.com, click on the tour button. As you see, this is right around the corner, September 15th. I'll be at Rob's Playhouse in Buffalo. What's today?

Fourth, fifth? Is it the fifth? Nine. Ten days from now. I don't know what that is. Also the 16th, the Santander Arena in Redding, Pennsylvania. That's right, with the great Greg Gutfeld. He'll have

thousands of people there. Me, Joe Mackey, Jimmy Norton, and Jamie Lissow, I think. Do a little bit of stand-up nice. Make fun of the midget. It'll be a good show. Anyways. Also, September 17th, one show only. Hilarities Comedy Club, Cleveland,

Ohio. So Tommy put that together. We're doing, because I hate flying, I'm flying out of Dallas to wherever. I think Buffalo first. He's going to pick me up. We'll do Buffalo in the neck. He's going to pick me up. We'll do Buffalo in the neck. He's going to pick me up the next day. We're going to drive to Pennsylvania and then we're going to drive

to Cleveland and then I'm going to fly home if anybody's looking to assassinate me. Alright. guitar solo Outro Music