The Nick DiPaolo Show - All Whitey Then | Nick Di Paolo Show #283

Episode Date: January 14, 2020

DEM debate a diversity downer. Diego the turtle saves species. Leftist Meltdown in Starbucks. MONDAY - THURSDAY 9PM EST #Trump #MAGA #ABreathOfFreshAir

Now I'm just gonna tell you motherfucking niggas straight out the dump. Don't fuck with my motherfucking president. Do you understand me? Nigga, we riding with Donald Trump over here, nigga. Draco, we ain't playing with you motherfucking niggas. You understand me? Keep my motherfucking president name out your mouth. Fuck, nigga.

Any motherfucking nigga, white, black, Chinese, Mexican, if you want to build that wall, let them build it. You motherfucking niggas out there think it's a game. I'm going to go to war behind Donald Trump. That's right. Do you understand me? We're going to go to motherfucking war, Trump. You got some motherfucking soldiers, boy. Right here on your side, boy. Right here. We coming. Draco. Talking about we going around.

What that little nigga down there in Baton Rouge's name? Nigga, keep my motherfucking president out of your motherfucking mouth, nigga. Talking about you got a hundred on the drum. We'll be right back. Yeah, how are ya? Welcome, it's a Monday here in Georgia. How you doing, folks? Don't forget tonight, ladies and gentlemen, especially you NFL fans. I don't like college football. Yeah, watch tonight.

Two 14-0 teams for the national title. LSU versus Clemson. It doesn't get any better. I don't know how the games are because LSU is scary good this year. I kind of want them just for their coach, although I love Davo Sweeney, but I love LSU's coach. He's born and bred in Louisiana. Scary dude. Sounds like he's got throat cancer. Face like a pit bull. Just absolutely lives and dies for LSU football. And he was coach of the year. And anyways, that should be a dude. He's 214 and 0. You're not going to see that in the NFL. Speaking of the NFL, how was that weekend? Woo. A few upsets there. that weekend. Woo!

Few upsets there. Ravens went down like bitches. Wow. Huh? Was that terrible? Yeah, I'm a big Lamar Jackson fan. Me too. Well, I love Lamar. I mean, come on. If you're a football fan watching that guy, but he was not too good. A little rusty

and whatnot. Who beat him? I can't even remember. Couple of real, huh? Titans. Look out for the Titans. Mike Vrabel, okay? A what? A protege of who? Bill Belichick. You know those suckers have won 13 in a row? They haven't lost since, they were two and two, and they've won 13 in a row row I was at the Longhorn Steakhouse it was a bunch of black people in a birthday party there I was watching the game with I am loving it down here the birthday girl wait about 260 Raz I'm telling you she had a beautiful face but she you know big but beautiful face she had a lime green shag carpet miniskirt. It looked like a toilet

seat cover, a hot pink top with it, and like leopard shoes on. And she fucking looked the nines. I had to buy her a shot of Patron. But just picture me. I'm surrounded by a bunch of black people. I don't know. One of them's got a baby. I'm having so much fun down here. I had to buy her a shirt, and she looked great. Seriously, I'm not kissing ass here, but you put that on a fat white bra, get to Walmart, fucking buy a pantsuit. It was funny. So what were the other games? I can't even remember. This is how bad my fight... I know the 49ers won. They were in the NFC championship game against the Packers. 49ers, I think, will win that. And then

you got the Titans and KC. Right? KC was down 24 to nothing to the Texans, like 10 minutes into the game. And they ended up blowing them out. So, anyways, let's get on to it. But don't forget tonight, Clemson LSU, 8 o'clock.

Speaking of people who don't like football, how about those Democrats? It's rough. People, the kids are going to get concussions and shit. Shut the fuck up. Remember, when you watch the show. I am your voice. That's good. Me fuck you in your bone spurs.

Run through a motherfucker face speaking of good contest we got the democratic debates tomorrow night uh the democratic debates and what's the big story about that oh no the four or five people left in the debate are all white in a party that just fucking is obsessed with diversity and the Haiti of whitey. Why is that a big deal? If I went to an NBA all-star game and it was 98% white, would I be able to complain? You'd be like, what the fuck? This isn't, no, that's not what I wanted to say. If it was all black, what the fuck? This isn't, that's not even what I wanted to say. If it was all black, would I complain? No. Goddamn, that would have been funny if I said it right.

Fucking A. Must have slept three hours last night. I was having dreams about Jimmy Fallon. Not sexual ones. Fucking exhausted. Anyways, that's the big, you know, that's the big thing. It's so funny.

They've just talked themselves into a reality corner. This country's always about merit. I don't want to hear it's racist because there's only five, four white people left. Barack Obama got elected president. He couldn't have done it with the help of white voters. So I don't want to hear it anymore. Archie Bunker had a good take on black presidents many many years ago besides getting elected there's more to that than just being smart there is huh how come we don't have a black president I

mean some of our black people are just as dumb as Nixon You ain't got a black president Jefferson Cause God ain't ready for that yet Wait a second What? That's right God's gotta try it out first By making a black pope Which he ain't done yet

Best show on the history TV Aren't they doing a remake with like like, Jim Carrey or something? They're going to just ruin. They're going to have to ruin everything that's good in the world. Anyways, let's get back to it. Yeah, all white people. That is scaring some Democrats to death. I think that was Liz Warren.

Titless bat. Only white candidates have qualified for next week's Democratic presidential debate. The first time in this election cycle that no minority contender will make this stage. Obviously, that means this country's racist, right? It's a dynamic that critics say threatens to undercut the party's rhetoric of inclusivity. No, they're just hypocrites. That's all there is to it. But I'm loving it that nobody likes it. Before there was a historically diverse pool of candidates

including two black senators, a black mayor, a Hispanic former cabinet secretary, Asian businessman who couldn't buy a necktie to save his life. So what? Who cares if it was diverse then? Who cares?

That's, see, they put that before anything. Since then, all have either dropped out or failed to qualify for a spot on the stage determined by poll numbers and donations. Bye-bye. So, yeah, Bernie Sanders is kicking ass, you know. He's, like, leading the polls in Iowa now. He's bringing in a ton of money. Not compared to Trump.

He's a socialist, but he's got more individual donations than anybody in history. I say, who gives a shit if it's individual or not? I say PAC group, send it all in. Oh, does that bother people? Both the way the primary is set up and the way the debates are done are a problem, said Rashad Robinson. Wonder what color he is. What are they fucking, what are they asking, opinions of wide receivers from the Rams? Rashad Robinson, executive director of Color of Change.

Jesus fucking Christ. That's the name of the group, Raz, Color of Change. Tell your people to grow up. Color of Change. Tell your people to grow up. Color of Change. I know what the Color of Change is. Silver. Mother of me. A racial justice organization.

What does that even mean? The system they have designed, he says, has suppressed the most loyal base of the Democratic Party. Jeez, that got loud. Which is true. Which is true. Blacks and minorities over the last 50 years have fallen for the horseshit, the criminal enterprise also known as the Democrat Party. They've been lying to them for years, done nothing.

Old Whitey Trump comes in, gets him all jobs. He works with him. He hires him. And they don't know what to do. He says both the way the primary is set up and the way debates are done

are a problem. No, actually, it's not. It's based on merit and stuff. You don't think, if Yang, my friend Mr. Yang, if he had the best ideas and shit, and you know what I mean? You don't tell me,

whoever, you know, Cory Booker, cra he had the best ideas and shit, and you know what I mean? You don't tell me whoever. You know, Cory Booker, crazier than a shithouse rat. Anyways, Rashad Robinson, color change. Yeah, the system has been designed to suppress. Candidates qualify based on public polling. That sounds pretty fair. Number of small donors they attract. That's their problem.

Over time, those standards have risen, winnowing the field. For Tuesday's debate at Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa, candidates must show contributions from 225,000 unique donors and reach 7% support in two polls of early states or 5% in at least four polls of early states in national surveys. And only a few of them did that. Okay? polls of early states or 5% in at least four polls of early states in national surveys. And only a few of them did that. Okay?

The last survey showed Bernie Sanders attracting 20%. I got 20%. I'm an old country Jew. I don't give a fuck. I don't care about color. Oh, yeah, now you don't. Let's see if they bring it up at the debate. That's going to be the first question. You know how I make these predictions?

I'm right about 98% of the time. That'll be the first. Bernie, do you have a problem with the lack of diversity in tonight's debate? I don't give a fuck. I'm a Jew. I'm a minority. Jews are getting the shit kicked out of them for the last 2,000 years. This poll was sponsored by whatever, the mind register.

Show Bernie with 20%, Elizabeth Warren garnering 17%. Can you imagine, even now she has that much? This broad will not answer the question, if you have health care, you know, for all, you're never going to raise our taxes. She won't answer that question. Yet she's still second. You people don't, you can't handle the truth. Pete Buttigieg, my favorite gay soldier, 16%.

And Joe Biden, old, crunchy, old white man Joe, at 15%. Boys, he's fallen, and he's happy about it. That's what they should show him, laying at the bottom of the stairs going, I've fallen in the polls, and I can't get up. Nobody else achieved more than 10% in a poll with a margin of 3.7. Cory Booker told the AP this week that he had one of the best fundraising days during the December debate, even though he wasn't on the stage. What does that say about you, Cory? Your presence hurt your fundraising. Because of the reaction of the absence of me and frankly people with more diverse lived experiences. No, you guys are obsessed with

it. This is proof that the American people don't give a fuck. They want somebody qualified. And I'll say it again, Barack Obama won. So don't give me that racist horse shit. The DNC, which runs the debates, has defended its rules. And they did a pretty good job of it, saying the requirements were set well in advance, and the stage reflects the preferences of voters, including voters of color. That's right. So, in other words, what this DNC is saying, don't blame us. The country's still racist. That's basically what they're saying.

We've set forth a clear set of transparent, inclusive rules. Tom Perez, he's the chairman of the DNC. We set those rules out in advance, and it's for the voters to decide. And he's absolutely, god damn, literally right. You are correct, sir. But what he's saying is, hey, don't blame us. The fuck, we can't help it if this country's racist. Let me explain something else.

This country's still majority white. You get it? Almost 68% white, 14% black, 23% Latino. Stop with your silliness. Jesus Christ. The all-white stage reflects long-held societal biases among voters, said Amy Allison, who should go back under the rocks from she climbed out of executive director of the She the People organization. Color of change, She the People. Why don't you shorten it to Sheeple? Fucking dupe. An organization that elevates women of color in politics. To that I say, fuck you. How do you elevate women in politics? Just by their color.

You should be thinking up here, diverse thoughts, not... Oh, our father who art in heaven. It's a troubling indication of built-in bias towards white men and white candidates over everyone else, Allison said. There's a deep cultural belief that hasn't been adequately challenged yet. No, it hasn't been challenged at all. We don't talk about race enough. We don't blame every part of the world and all white guys. You're right. We are, it says, why are we assuming that Biden, who tops polls of black voters, is a stronger candidate? What is magic now? He was beaten by a younger African-American candidate, 2008 Obama,

when Biden garnered just 1% of the vote in the Iowa caucuses before dropping out. That's actually a legitimate point, but he's not fucking qualified either. Okay, so... What are we doing? What's going on right now? He's on the stage going, it's all white. What are we doing? How am I still up in the top four? The men on stage will be Joe Biden, Pete Buttigieg, Bernie Sanders, and Tom Steyer, billionaire.

That's it? That's what the debate's going to be? One, two, three, four. No broads? Oh, my God. Now I'm offended. We should put Kamala Harris back in. At least we can look at her tits

what? who said that? Mike Bloomberg, an old Jew to make the debate stage he can't make it you know why he's self-funding his campaign isn't accepting any donations so he cannot make the debates under the current framework ooh, are the Jews screaming

hey, that's fucking anti-Jewishness anti-defamation anti-Jewishness. Anti-defamation. Anti-Semitic. Some longtime observer said the whiteness of Tuesday's debate shouldn't overwhelm the reality that the Democrat Party is friendly to Minard. It never will. But you start, Trump is the biggest, they have to be scared of shit of Trump. You saw a spokesman that we played in the cold opening?

He is not playing. Black people actually like him. Because you know why? Black people, just like any other voters, their wallets are getting a little fatter. That's all that matters. It's a capitalist country, Bernie. Good luck to you. But you see, now it's just, oh my God. Anyways, so now it's racist. But this guy, some of them are defending it, saying the optics will be off-putting to some observers. A bad thing for the party that will need the enthusiastic support of all sectors of its coalition. Harvard Law professor said that.

But it is mistaken to suggest that the racial cast of the lineup means the Democrat Party is hostile or indifferent to people of color. Oh, I see. So when the Democrats do it, it's all white on the stage. That doesn't mean they're racist. But when the Republicans do it, you know, you people, you people. God damn you people. minority groups to advocate for change, suggesting the Congressional Black Caucus and Congressional Hispanic Caucus should put their endorsements, pull their endorsements until the debate stage reflects the country. Can you imagine? You guys are obsessed with fucking race. And I love it. It's going to be all white men tonight and a billionaire in there. Proving you're

hypocrites. You're making the rules. Speaking of black racism, let's get on to Joy Reid, the most hateful. She hates Whitey more than anybody. She doesn't like gay people. Remember the big flap a couple of years ago? They found some of her old tweets and shit, homophobic jokes and stuff. But she's still on the air, you know, MSNBC, and she's really a fucking, just frigging racist. Joy Reid, she says, Trump's fault that Nazis are walking around in America. That's her fucking take on it. You fat, nasty black bitch. She continued. Let's show the video. Here's Joy Reid. She continued. Let's show the video. Here's Jerry.

Not just what he can do, but what he's doing to people, what he's bringing out in people, the kind of people he's surfacing in the United States, swatting happening and Nazis walking around. It is a scary time. Nazis walking around, swatting. What do you mean? What is swatting? Only thing I've seen swatted is, you know, Antifa swatting Trump hats off people, beating them up. Does she believe this or is she just making a paycheck or is she really ensconced in that liberal bubble that she has no, she's that tone deaf. Nazis walking around. She's talking about us Trump voters. So fuck you, Joy. You know what,

honey? You're about 100 years still too early. She and people like her won't be happy till the Senate is 98% black and brown. See, let me explain something. This country's evolved, okay? Yes, it was founded, a lot of racism back in the day, but see Society moves it at its own pace You know I'm saying eventually maybe after I'm gone it will be all black and brown and then the country look like neighborhood in Detroit The Air Force one up on blocks missing its tires But she they you know, they can't wait to get there She continued you look at the polling on what Donald Trump has done, and rather than make people feel more confident, it's made people more anxious.

Who are you speaking for? He's doing well with minorities. It's making people more anxious. Here is the anxiety level in 2018 versus 2019. People are more anxious. Do people feel safer after the strike on Iran? Yes, the ones that have any brains do. The ones that hate Trump are just going to use it as an excuse. They feel less safe. Everything he does makes people feel worse. Really? Talk to small business

owners of all colors. What are you talking about? So do you think the, it says, do you think that redounds, what does that mean? Must be a misprint. In particular, in any particular candidate. Oh, God, I can't take her anymore. You stupid fucking blabbermouth cunt. Oh, easy with the language on a Monday morning. That's all that deserves. She's an outright racist with a TV show.

Still has it. If you want to hear these views live with jokes thrown in, go to nickdip.com. Got some new stuff to plug today. New dates announced. January 23rd, Yonkers Comedy Club, Yonkers, New York. That'll be a warm-up for the next night at the Ridgefield Playhouse

in Ridgefield, Connecticut. The next night after that, January 25th, Larkham Theatre, Beverly Mass. February 1st, the Historic Ritz Theatre, Brunswick, Georgia. February 15th, Kelsey Theater, Lake Park, Florida. February 20th through 22th, Comics at Mohegan Sun, Montville, Connecticut. February 28th, the Decatur Civic Center, Decatur, Illinois. Tommy, you got me on a plane two weekends in a row.

That's a no-no, but we'll deal with it later. March 13th and 14th, McGubie's Joke House Timonium, Maryland April 3rd the Morgan Hill Events Center in Herman, Maine the next night April 4th Jonathan's in Gunkwood, Maine

and here's some new ones we just added June 12th another Ritz Theater Scranton, Pennsylvania just added October 10th Stand Up Live

Huntsville, Alabama I don't think I've ever done comedy in Alabama just added October 11th Zany's in Nashville, Tennessee Huntsville, Alabama. I don't think I've ever done comedy in Alabama. Just added, October 11th, Zany's in Nashville, Tennessee. These will be like one night, one show, one night, or whatever. I don't do that five shows at a club anymore, because I have a real manager and a real agent. But those are just added, so go to nickdip.com for your ticket information.

Let's stay on the wacky left, shall we? Let me take a sip of my Jack and coffee. Mmm. Ah my teeth. I bought some of them whitening strips. I'm at Walmart with like six other people who had green teeth fighting over a box of plus white. I bought a mouthpiece you know you're supposed to like you did when I played youth football in high school. You buy the mouthpiece, you're supposed to put it in boiling water. Forms your teeth, and you put the gel in,

and you wake up your teeth are more sensitive than the tip of your dick after it gets caught in a zipper for 45 minutes. Anyway. Cigarettes and coffee. Oh, Jesus H. Anyways, what's going on here, more, this to me looks staged, I'm going to show you a video, it looks staged to me, this would actually be a good ad for the Democrat Party of somebody voting, I think it's staged, I really do,

because somebody, this broad snapped at a Starbucks, and it went viral staged. I really do. Because somebody just brought Snap to the Starbucks and it went viral and I really think the camera's so perfect on her and stuff I really think she could have been doing a stump speech. But it was at but then I see the reaction of the idiots in line at Starbucks

and they did nothing about it because that's the kind of people they are. Just ball-less, gutless. If I was trying to get a coffee Starbucks and this woman goes off on a three-minute rant, I would choke her a minute into it. What's your time more valuable than mine? Get off your soapbox, you fat.

Tell me they're not blind by their rage for Donald Trump. Watch this witch, whether it's staged or not, but it was effective. Because you are just such an incredible human, and like, I want everything for you, like everything you want right now. Look at her sucking up to the black girl. Don't you think that she deserves free access

to safe, affordable health care? Like, that's what I want for her. I want for like, if you want to have kids and you don't have to because that's your choice, and Secretary Clinton believes that that is everybody's choice. It is a choice so you don't have to, but's your choice and secretary clinton believes that that is everybody's choice it is a choice you don't have to but if you did i would want them to have clean water pause first of all the camera's right on her i thought i heard yell somebody action why if you're in line you wouldn't i don't know how you got if this happened at dunkin donuts

she would get a large steaming hot black coffee right in her fucking face by some plumber who's got to get to work but no not here and I don't even know where this was probably New York just sitting there watching like the pussies that they are okay she's sucking up to the she's using a black girl behind the counter as a prop look how much I love black people she deserves everything. Go ahead. If they grew up in Flint, Michigan, okay? Like, I would want to go to Flint, Michigan. I wish I could go there and clean all the water.

Like, sometimes I look at your coffee. Pause. The camera cuts to the black girl with a hurt look on her face. Why is not the black girl going, Miss, Miss, shut the fuck up. I know you're pretending to like black people. Please, security. Fucking lunatic. Will you shut up? Will you? Will you please shut up?

Go ahead. I look at the color of it and I'm like, that's what these babies in Flint are drinking. It's like the- Lattes? Do you think that when you drink it? Look at these idiots. And like, I just want, I want whatever you want.

Pause. Why didn't that black woman step up and bitch slap? Huh? Imagine if this was a Waffle House or a fucking McDonald's at two in the morning. There'd be three guys on her

ripping her hair out of her head. Did you see how the camera panned to the black worker just to get the pained look on her face? That's why it seems very, very staged to me. And this is why I don't go on. These are the people at Starbucks. Nick, that's not. No, it is. I see him 40 deep at the airport to get a Starbucks coffee. Are you people out of your mind? Go ahead. You are so much more than this job. I don't know if you want to be a ballet dancer

or a truck driver or you want to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. She could be both. I'm looking at her. Lean in. I want you to lean in with me right now. Lean in. I'll lean into your throat with my fucking elbow. Oh my God. Do you see? You're just walking past it.

You didn't leave a $20 tip, did you? No, but you know what? She's got dreams. Pause. Pause. You didn't leave a $20 tip. She's got dreams. This has to be staged.

Oh, it would have ended in a knife fight. Man, she looked at me and said, you didn't leave a $20 tip. I'll leave the fucking tip of my boot right in your ass, chubby. You fucking pig. You self-hating white pig. Oh my God, what an actress. I'm telling you. Let's get her on the show in person so I can

choke her out. I've been watching a lot of UFC. I'll get her in a fucking figure eight. Go ahead. So many dreams. Like I can see them in her eyes. I can see her dreams, and I want them all to come true. I mean, as a Twitter supporter, like, that's all I care about are other people's dreams. And women and the babies, oh my God, I care about the children of America so much. Pause.

Fuck, are you shitting me? This can't be real. It can't be. Although, in the age of Trump, this is how unattractive women on the left. I feel, do you hear her? I care more. This is virtue signaling. Embodied.

This is the definition. She hates herself. Go ahead. And like, I want to know, oh my God, do you know every time I take a sip of my coffee, I want to take a sip for Standing Rock because I voted for Clinton and she would have eventually cared about that. I know she would have. I don't shut up. I don't want to be a victim of any state violence of any kind.

I know it's not going to be okay. I need to take a sip for every Muslim who might have to register under this crazy situation. Okay, all right, all right. Fucking yeast infection on wheels. Die tonight in a fire, you pig. She covered Muslims, women, people of color. She's doing a monologue. I swear to God, Starbucks let it happen. That's why, again, Dunkin' Donuts, you would have got drilled with a stale cruller right in the side of the fucking head.

Oh, but not at Starbucks. Everybody's, you know, white and entitled and they got their Ginny and Garoppolo glasses on and their laptops. And, uh, Raz, do you believe that? Was that staged? What do you think? It had to be. Somebody would have stepped up, right? Not Starbucks.

I don't know. Again, I don't know where it happened. If I was a good radio guy, I would have looked it up. I didn't shave either. Fucking looking elderly. Yeah, no. I don't know. Anyways, I thought you guys should see that.

Mentally ill? Maybe not. She had problems. But not, not, here's a good problem I have, actually, and this happened to me once. I was over in Barcelona. Man hospitalized with a three-day erection after taking bull sex stimulant.

Of course, that happens in Mexico. Mexico, they're so macho. Yeah, Viagra, Cialis, you can't pop a few of those. Guy went to a bullfight. He said, look at the cock on that Grecian bull. He took a pill that they give to bulls. I didn't know bulls couldn't get it out. pill that they give to bulls. I didn't know bulls couldn't get it out. What is that? It's a fucking carrot. What? That is the saddest dick. I have more girth than a bull. That's the guy, by the way, apparently turned into a bull. It's like American Werewolf in London. He took a couple and all of a sudden, that's a weak dick for a bull, I gotta say. Huh? You know what that looks like?

It's the thing the guys at the airport hold when they're bringing the planes. Look at the poor broadies banging, not even interested. She's over there eating her oats. Get off me with your carrot dick. It's one of the Ravens linemen celebrating after the big loss a man correction that lasted three days that's right three days okay uh trace yes uh after taking a sexual stimulant used for breeding bulls the unnamed individual

underwent emergency surgery at a specialist hospital. There's a picture of him, but it's pixelated, whereas they should show his, you know. I like to see penises. Yummy, yummy. Bon appetit. Surgery, specialist hospital, 270, in the U.S.-Mexican border city of Reynosa.

The Peruvian outlet reports that the man took the drugs with the intention of having a successful sexual encounter with a young woman of 30 years. She waved a red towel in front of him. He charged her and fucking. she waved a red towel in front of him and he charged her and fucking uh according to the hospital the man had purchased the pills in vera cruz mexico uh where farmers use pills to encourage mating between their cattle while there have been no updates on the man's health since surgery there's been a line around the block at his house um many men who have found themselves in similar position have survived although the condition could have cost the guy his manhood, they say, because if it stays hard and long enough, it does permanent damage to the tissues,

and they have to chop it off. A guy in London last year, 41 years old, underwent the knife to mitigate a 36-hour erection after being diagnosed with priapism or the prolonged erection of the penis. I don't see why that's a problem. Are you going to tell me it's not going to go down eventually? I put all these sound effects in this story. I didn't put them on the board. Stick Monday up your ass. Anyways, that would have been so funny.

This story is very flimsy. It was based on the sound effect. You know, what's the matter with Viagra? Hymns are Romans. You can call all these companies, these websites. What's it called? Hymns. And they do an online thing. Romans, and you can call now these companies, these websites, what's it called, HIMS, and

they do like a, they do an online thing, you know, the doctor comes on, Nick, how do you know, because I saw them, I watched the video, and there's like a fake doctor on the other end, like they're not going to sell you this shit, they ask you questions like, do you have a problem getting an erection, oh no, but I just wanted to talk to somebody. Fucking silly. Silly goose. We're fucked up sexually in this country, and the straight guys are taking bull pills, and girls are pointing at the vagina saying, my name's Bob. We're a mess. I was reminded of this while watching the NFL this weekend. a mess. And I was reminded of this while watching the NFL this weekend. A commercial almost sent me through the roof. I must have seen it four times. And you're probably not going to agree with me on this take. Or you might. I know fans of mine will probably agree with me. There's a commercial for Microsoft. It's for their new Surface whatever laptop. And there's a

woman. She's obviously a gay woman. And anyways, she's not one of the coaches with the San Francisco 49ers. Here's the commercial. I'll tell you why. I wrote this a long time ago. I don't know how old I was. I hope someday I will be on a real football team. I'm Katie Sowers, offensive assistant coach for the San Francisco 49ers. I'm not just here to be the token female. I'm here to help us win. The Surface Pro helps me get what's in my head and get it out onto the field. There we go. That's what I'm talking about.

I would want to tell this little girl to keep pushing herself. Look at her. Your dream's coming. Let's go. Let's run it again. Run it again. Let's go. Run it her. Your dream's coming. Let's go. Let's run it again. Run it again. Let's go. Run it again.

Make me a sandwich. Shut up. Oh, what a great story. Now, here's my take on it before you get all, oh, come on, Nick. First of all, it is a publicity stunt, although she's been there a couple years. All right? Of course, San Francisco leading the way. All right? Here's my take on it. Okay, I'm a couple years. All right? Of course, San Francisco leading the way. All right? Here's

my take on it. Okay, I'm happy for her. All right? If that was her dream and shit. But here's the problem with it. Okay? Here it comes. There's a hundred guys who played in the NFL who could use that coaching job. End of argument. What happened to, you know,

Merritt? People who played the game. Somebody could use her fucking job. She's taken a job away from a more qualified guy. Hundreds of them. That's my point. And don't get me this way. You can learn just as much.

No, you can't. And I use this example again and again. If you're going to, oh, she watched football. She played it as a kid. Did she ever play at the pro level or even the college level? That doesn't mean anything. Are you telling me

that fucking doesn't mean anything? So with most industries, you go on a job at W, let's say you go to Apple for a job with computers, but it says you were a rodeo clown for three years. Not close enough.

Or you're going to take the guy who majored in computers at fucking MIT. Do you get me? And I know people are, this is fucking just ridiculous. Because somebody, like I said, could use that job that played and knows a thousand times more than she does. And people, well, no, you can learn it. It's like, you know what, people who run comedy clubs have had this argument.

They'll put up some really shitty comics and I'll say, you know what, people who run comedy clubs have had this argument. They'll put up some really shitty comics, and I'll say, you know, after your taste is kind of, you know, well, I've been doing this for 25 years. You've been doing comedy? No, I've run this club for 25 years. Okay, I've been doing comedy for 30 years. So what you're saying is, if you went in for open-heart surgery, you'd prefer a doctor who has watched 100 surgeries than somebody who's performed 100. Try arguing with that logic. I'm sorry. I don't want to piss on her dreams. Good for her.

I have to say that. It's the hashtag me too. It was her dream. She was a basketball player. I mean, I admire her. She got a scholarship to Goshen, wherever the hell that is. She wanted to be an assistant coach. Actually, here's her story on the second clip. Because strength

has no gender. Pause. Strength has no gender? First of all, that's a fucking lie. We all know one gender is way stronger than the other, right? Seriously. Jesus Christ. First of all, I'd rule her out because of her arms what is that it's a straw sticking out of her which one is it yeah that's her sister on the left and i like it here's why i like these girls go

ahead courage no orientation and determination knows no limits. Needed as political correctness. If you have a society that's just thinks one way, had one background, had one race, had one religion, you would never grow as a person, you would never grow as a community. And so I think football is just one of those prime examples. You need big guys, You need fast guys.

You know, you need people that see the game differently. Buzz, no, you need people that play the game, if you're talking about coaching. How many coaches in the NFL never play the game? There might be a couple, but they got to a certain level. I'm sorry. I live in the real fucking world. I'm not buying it. And I'm sure she's a nice lady slash fella. I really do.

She's got the haircut. She has to leave this part to let you know that she's gay. That's a fucking rule. Go ahead. That open up so many opportunities for people. And that's something that we as a society can learn from. Pause. Pause. We as a society can learn from and you know pause pause We as a society can learn so if we don't see it the way a gay woman sees it This society is still blind and shit. Do you do you under did you understand that? You are where you are because of the society you're in we couldn't be more friendly to gay people Or whatever. She's talking like it's 1960 Go ahead as long as you just stop and you listen to people who might see things differently,

you'll find that you actually learn a lot more than you thought you ever could. Pause. Straight people. Pause. Straight people. Listen to. Stop and talk to and learn. It's all we hear. Eh. Go ahead. Oh, thank Christ. I was getting the dry heaves. To play devil's advocate. Go ahead.

Coach K of the Blue Devils. Did he play in the pros? Coach K of the Blue Devils. You don't have to play in the pros. That's not what I said. Okay. Right? I said you had to get to a certain level.

Did he play in college or high school? Yeah. I a certain level. Did he play in college or high school? Yeah. Bet he did. Did he play in college? I think so. Yeah, it makes him more qualified to coach college because he played to be winner's advocate. I'm just saying, there's a fucking hundred guys who could use that coaching

job. What happened to, you know, black coaching, we need more black. There's a fucking hundred guys who could use that coaching job. What happened to, you know, black coaching? We need more black. That's the other thing, which is such a, it's so insulting. What's the rule they came up with for black coaches? They have to be interviewed. NFL teams have to interview a black coach now. It's, I think it's the Rooney rule.

I think it was the Steelers implemented it or something. That's so insulting to black people, you know, to go into an interview and know you're there just because you're, you know, a black or whatever. It's insulting. You think in this day and age where these owners will do anything to win, it's about making money, right? If the best 50 football coaches in the country are all black, then the whole fucking league, all the coaches should be black. Or if the Chinese were the best or whatever. Nobody's discriminating anymore. This is a fucking smoke screen. Oh, my God.

I can't take it. Marvin Lewis. And by the way, Marvin Lewis, there's a lot of black coaches who have been around forever because they're black. Their records stink. There's a lot of black coaches who have been around forever because they're black. Their records stink. Katie, I'm not pissing on your dreams. And, you know, as a little boy, you wanted to be in the NFL.

And, you know, I'm just fucking saying, you know, it's just knee-jerk reaction. Everybody nods. Oh, that's feel good. But this, you have to, if the society would just open its mind, It's as open as it can be for the love of Christ. You can point to your vagina and say you're a guy. Could we get any more open? Of course, the 49 is leading the way. Anyways, good luck to you, Katie.

I'm just jealous because I want her to be Joe Montana. Some women have it harder than Katie. Like this woman who ordered diapers from Amazon and she opened them. Human shit in the diapers. Somebody is very funny at Amazon. Somebody is a funny... You know some worker. Came in drunk. He was out all night drinking Jägermeister.

Had like fucking three Burger King Whoppers at two in the morning. Rushed to work. I got a shit. Well, Bob, the box of diapers right here. Perfect. I am fucking all over the place.

I had all these things ready to, you know, for Katie Sowers. My vagina's angry. It is. It's pissed off. Here vagina's angry. It is. It's pissed off. Here's a feminist.

If you shut the fuck up and let me read my list, there's the fucking proof. I obviously can't like read your ass. So, number one, number one, shut the fuck up

for a second. Make me a sandwich. Make me a fucking sandwich. I'm all over the place. No, no, no. All right. Blow me. Could you be coached by a female coach? Could I be coached by a female coach? Yeah, you play football. You got to be more specific at what level and what level is her to fill in the gaps?

In college? If I'm in college. And she played in high school or she played you know at a small community college or something does she have nice tits is she above a seven fuck you i'd go i pull the hamstring can you rub this down no i couldn't no't. No, I couldn't. Nope. You got to know what it's like to get knocked out on a football field. That's my cutoff or to knock somebody out or to fucking break a shoulder in half. And Nick, that is just closed minded. But same thing with the army. They go, they go, yeah, but what, you know, they carry guns. Women can shoot guns just like a gun. That's the argument. I still say no.

I don't care if it sounds retro. An army or a military group is only as strong as its weakest person. Okay? They had to change the standards for the pull-up contests in the military, push-ups. They've changed. They've lowered. We're literally lowering the standards out of fairness. That's a perfect example.

Because I really believe there's a guy that knows more than Katie Sowers about that. But again, I don't mean to hurt her feelings. I feel happy for her and her sister. I like them because I thought the clip showed more when they were kids, they would round up boys in the neighborhood to play football. They loved it. And you know what? And the other thing I liked about her, which you don't see often, at the end of the thing,

she says, when I came out, when did she say she came out? In college or whatever? Her parents go, we already knew. Which I thought was cool. You never hear like that. What was I talking about? Oh, dirty diapers. What a show, folks.

You don't get this on Hannity, thank Christ. Woman opens delivery from Amazon. Diapers contain human shit. All righty then. Nasty sales from Jersey City, New Jersey, placed an order for diapers on Amazon's warehouse section where open box and returned items are sold to the public at a discounted rate. I don't like stuff that's been...

When sales opened the package, however, she said that some of the diapers had what appeared to be feces in them. She said, at least that's what it tasted like. I picked up the diapers and it was a little bit heavy. Yeah, there's a good sign. What do you think there was gold in them? I pick up a heavy diaper, and I've never been a dad. I'm throwing it out. Louis C.K. does the best bit about his daughter when she was like nine months old, taking the worst, he changed her diaper, the worst dump. He goes, I think I might have said this last week,

it looked like a 48-year-old alcoholic took a shit in her diaper. That made me laugh. Yeah, the diaper was a little heavy. I was half asleep, and the lights were off. At that point, I turn on the light, and that's when I notice these diapers are neatly folded, and they are soiled. Amazon said that they are investigating the situation.

They've called Robert Mueller, and Chuck Schumer's going to have a hearing, and they are in contact with the customer to make it right. What are you going to do? Take them back, wash them, then put two pounds of yogurt in them? As for sales, she said she did not test the substance that she found in the diapers, but that it looked and smelled like human waste. It's either shit or it isn't.

For the Christ's sake. Delicious. Thank you. Sale said that she immediately disinfected the nursery and wiped down her 19-month-old daughter with rubbing alcohol as soon as she made the discovery. What? You didn't put the shitty diapers on.

What are you wiping down your kid with alcohol for? That's a little fucking, that's going over the top. I'm sorry. I find a pair of shitty diapers. Somebody mailed me. God damn it. I'm sending a thank you note.

I'm wrapping that up for my brother for Christmas. Little trick gift. Let that shit fester over the summer. Keep it in the garage at 112 degrees Fahrenheit. What you get me? Nice meatloaf. We've already touched on the guy with the, took a bull pill to get a hard on.

Another animal sex story. And I really, it's very rare that I am in awe of animals. But this turtle, this playboy tortoise had so much sex, he saved his entire species. How about that? There he is. Look at him. What a handsome devil. Look at that.

Look at he's laughing. This fucker's been banging for 2,000 years. And apparently the female tortoises love this guy. What is it? Is it the fucking banana lipstick? He couldn't be happier. I wonder if that's the actual tortoise. Right now there's another tortoise licking his balls.

If he has balls. You know? He was very shy, they said, when the zoo first got him. But somebody said, hey, you got to come out of your shell. How corny was that? I deserve a slap for that. A womanizing tortoise who took some bull tranquilizer, no, whose rampant sex life may have single-handedly saved his entire species from extinction, has retired from his playboy lifestyle, returning to the wild with his mission accomplished. According to a report from CNN, Diego, Diego, his name's Diego, unstoppable libido is credited as a major reason for the survival of his fellow giant tortoises on a Spaniola,

part of the Galapagos Islands, after being shipped over from the San Diego Zoo as part of a breeding program. When he has more babies than Roger Cromartie for the Giants. What was the guy's name? Do you remember the guy that's got 18 kids for the Giants? Not Cromartie. It's something like that. When he started his campaign of promiscuity, there were just two males and 12 females of his species alive on the island. Get these numbers.

Better than Liz Warren's. But the desirable shell dweller had so much sex, he helped boost the population to over 2,000. It's like a player in the NFL. The Galapagos National Park Service believed the 100-year-old, he's 100 and he's banging out the shit. Man, no wonder why they move so slow. 100-year-old tortoise is the patriarch of around 40% of that population. You believe that? Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole.

that? Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Apparently it's a talking turtle, too. A total of 15 tortoises took part in the breeding program to boost the island's population, but none played a bigger role as Diego did. White people should

take note of this. About 1,800 tortoises have been returned to the Española, and now, with natural reproduction, we have approximately 2,000 tortoises. This shows that they are able to grow. Yeah, if you've got a stud. It's like the Hugh Hefner of fucking Turtle World. They are able to reproduce.

They are able to develop. Unbelievable. Good for him. How long do those fucking things live? At my pond, at my house up in Westchester, we had two. This is why those fucking things live at my pond at my house up in Westchester we had two

this is why I wouldn't go in my pond I saw these sucker like the second day we bought the house I'm not shitting you one of them the shell

was about the size of a trash can cover and then like a couple weeks later I see two of them they were having sex they like roll around it's unbelievable

it got me very horny went right to the computer and I punched up Latino housewives They were having sex. They'd roll around. It's unbelievable. It got me very horny. Went right to the computer, and I punched up latinohousewives.org. Anyways, I think that might be it. Got a couple more here. Let me do this one real quick. Remember how New York and other cities are reforming the bail situation? Cash bail.

Now criminals don't necessarily have to post bail because it's unfair to who. That's right, the Amish. Controversial bail reform springs a serial robbery suspect who then pulls off his fifth heist. You believe that? John Dillinger wannabe is on the loose thanks to lax bail laws that set him free despite his arrest in connection to four Manhattan bank robberies. Okay? Four. You fucking people.

You have no idea how to defend a nation. Sprung on Thursday, he promptly robbed a fifth bank in Brooklyn on Friday. So cops spent Saturday hunting. Isn't this unbelievable? They're lowering bail. They're dropping the threshold of how much you can steal. This is liberal. It's a mental fucking illness. Here's where I agree with Iran on a few things. You get caught shoplifting, they take your hand off. Is that a little too extreme? Spanx in Chelsea, the Upper West Side, and the West Village between December 30th and January 8th. That's the last few weeks. Because Woodbury allegedly robbed using a note, I didn't know this, rather than a gun, no New York jail can currently hold him no matter how many times he strikes. I didn't know that. You all saw him. He had a gun. He had a gun.

So if you have a note and not a gun... Artie Lang has a story about that. He handed a note to a bank teller. I forget what the fucking background on the story is. He actually had to go to jail when he was real young. They're saying he wanted to rob the bank. His alleged grand larcenies are classified as nonviolent felonies, and under the bail reform law that took effect on January 1st, most nonviolent felonies, including bank robberies carried out without a weapon,

are no longer bail eligible, meaning no judge can order him held pending the trial. Imagine they just take off. He's gone, and we couldn't do nothing about it. The insanity of the new law clearly wasn't lost on the prime suspect. This is the suspect after he got busted. He says, I can't believe they let me out. Woodbury marveled as he retrieved his vouchered property at one police plaza. I know right where that is.

He says, what were they thinking? These are the criminals talking. de Blasio, you fucking communist idiot. NYPD Commissioner Dermot Shea voiced his frustration after the Post broke Woodbury's story. He says, what motivation does this suspect have to return to court? None.

Exactly. You are watching Western civilization commit suicide thanks to progressive thinking. Oh, but it's hard for poor people to raise, but tough shit. Should have thought about that before you lifted that can of diet Sprite. Woodbury's alleged spree began on December 30th when he slipped a note demanding money to a teller at a Chase Bank at 9th Avenue. He struck next at a Chase Bank on Broadway, West 90th on January 3rd. Three days later, he struck in the West Village, making off with more than $1,000. January 8th, he passed the note to an Upper West Side bank teller, and he left empty-handed. Patrol

cops caught up with him in Manhattan on Thursday after the NYPD sent a photo to 1,000 NYPD smartphones. Excuse me. Anyways, the dedicated NYPD cops saw it while on his way to work, spotted the man, safely made the arrest. Less than a day later, Woodbury took advantage of his unexpected freedom to rob a fifth bank in downtown Brooklyn. In that heist, he allegedly passed a note to the teller at a Chase Bank on Flatbush Avenue

and made off with more than $1,000. Need I say more about liberalism? I can't say any more. Yes, that's progressivism in action. That is it, ladies and gentlemen. It's 112 in here. I timed it wrong again with the air conditioner. That and the 90 cups of coffee.

I have a sweat bead at the tip of a crack of my ass right now. It's just sliding down like a kid at a water park. It's dark in here, mister. Anyways, that is it. Don't forget Cameo.com. I did one this morning for a fan named Kayla. It was her birthday and

she was so happy about it, I'll tell you. I have no idea how she reacted. I'll tell you. I have no idea how she reacted. Go to KMU.com. Fill out my profile. I will send a personal video. Make it on my phone and I'll roast one of your friends or your relatives or somebody you hate, somebody you like. I could be nice, whatever.

Anyways, anything else? Nickdip.com for my dates. Don't forget the comics gym that my manager Tommy created. There's some great comics on it already. So it's a website. Go there. You'll love it. That is it. We'll see you guys on Patreon

tomorrow. Don't forget. You think it. I'll say it. You're welcome. Bye-bye. guitar solo guitar solo I want to be