The Nick DiPaolo Show - Alvin Bragg A Racist Punk | Nick Di Paolo Show #1554

Episode Date: April 16, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about another Joke trial, Caitlin on SNL and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Yeah, yeah, yeah, what it is, what it was. That's right, Canadian tuxedo. You saw it. I bought a jean jacket. It fucks up your whole wardrobe if you wear jeans every day. Because you can't walk around like Johnny Cash. Fucking Jay Leno with his denim. Oh boy, it's time. How are you folks? I put this on because we got the air on, and that was the plan, but you weren't supposed to see the jeans.

I'll take this off. I'm not going out in public. Don't worry. I went out once with the jeans and the jacket. Somebody threw a fucking Heineken at my head. It's always a Heineken. Specifically a Heineken. You notice that?

The Ellis knows. I'm trying to break up a fight between two angry women, my manager and my agent. Tommy doesn't do any, well he brings me all this shit, but he doesn't fucking, before it's all on paper and I'm writing. You know? Yeah, I got you this, that, well fucking lay it in front of me so I can read it and go yes or no. That's how I know he's a, whatever, he's a good guy. Fucking. It includes,

I got you an extra, I got you one less day out there, an extra 500 for travel. I just emailed you the initial offer after I've agreed to everything. It includes this sentence. Expect final scheduling to come in early September. What's that mean?

They can call me fucking on, you know, fucking August 31st. We're adding three shows. I don't understand how it works. He's Jews. Anyways, how are you, you folks see what I go through between this and that and the other thing didn't start the clock sister's cock

anyways here I am had to take a fucking you know what last night I will be um I want to take two but you better have an extra free day if you do they tell you adults you take two I don't know all I know is I didn't get up to piss do you know I have did I tell you I have one of those plastic bottles that you have in the hospital room with a handle on it to piss in

and the bathroom's right there bathroom is literally four steps down the hall not even and I'm not going to do it. Because to me, you wake up. Like when you brush your teeth before you go to bed when you're real tired, it's like cocaine in the toothpaste. That's my theory. I fucking, the less I can. So I just sit up.

I turn the light on. I fucking have it in a drawer, and I just suck it all in. And I always imagine like a young nurse watching me 20 years from now if I'm alive. So sad. And then I make sure I put it way away so I don't kick it over. The dog comes in, laps it up. You know how it used to be a girl, but now it's a dog. It's a sad thing.

Anyhow, any he, any wah-wah. What else do I want to talk about real quick? Fucking Red Sox. I know you don't want to hear it, but we lost Story again for the season. Superstar shortstop.

Him being at short just improved the defense by 1,000%. He fucking tears his shoulder. Last night, pop up behind third base. Devers, who's our best player now, without Story and I backing up. He's been out for six games, Devers, who's our best player now, without story, backing up. He's been out for six games, Devers, with his shoulder. Comes back last night. The crowd's all happy. O'Neal coming in, our one guy who leads the pro baseball at home runs, by the way,

comes in. They crash into each other. They're both down for five minutes. I couldn't even get mad. I was fucking laughing like I was watching the Stooges. I go, the Bambino curse is back. Oh, fucking devastating the game. O'Neal had to leave. His face is bleeding. I guess his glasses. You could hear a pin. It was like Kennedy gets shot.

You could hear a pin drop in fucking Fenway. The Bambino curse is back. Meanwhile, the Yankees are ripping through the league. Although John Sterling, the radio announcer, retired. 86 years old. He quit right in the leg yesterday.

He just had to because of health concern. I thought he had retired a couple of years ago. So that's all information you guys don't give a fuck about. You're like, we didn't tune in for this.

Tell us about AOC's teeth. Her teeth and her teat and her PHC levels. PHC levels. All right. I forget how to do this. Let's start with headline number one. Stormy days ahead. Oh, hold on. See, this is what I'm talking about. The pill? No, I'm talking about. That's right. Stormy days ahead. Oh, hold on. See, this is what I'm talking about. The pill? No, I'm talking about. That's right. Stormy days ahead. Donald Trump appeared inside a girl years ago, and now he's in trouble. Good night, everybody. Here's Phil with the weather. Donald Trump appeared inside Manhattan Criminal Court on Monday. Jesus Christ, Tupac didn't spend this much time. As the first criminal trial, this is the most bogus one, by the way, and you don't have to be a Trump fan or a Republican.

You just have to be a little bit fair. And if you're for this, you're a fucking douchebag. I don't want you in my life. Seriously. Okay, Mom? I'm kidding. First criminal trial against him began with jury. So isn't it the first criminal trial of a former president to,

or whatever the fuck. Yeah. Began with jury selection. Guess what? No jurors were selected from the dozens screened. It marked the first time a former president has gone to trial over criminal charges, which stem from six-figure

hush money payments the ex-president allegedly made to former porn star Stormy Daniels and Playboy playmate Karen McDougal, way hotter than the other whore, ahead of the 2016 election. So, you know, these broads want their payday and whatever and saying bad things about my boy. Watch your fat fucking mouth. She ain't fat. Got nose for you. Let's take a look at a video here. I don't know what it is and who gives a fuck.

Thank you very much. We had some amazing things happen today. As you know, my son has graduated from high school and it looks like the judge will not let me go through the graduation of my son who's worked very, very hard. He's a great student. I'm very proud of the fact that he did so well. I was looking forward for years to have graduation with his mother and father there.

And it looks like the judges are going to allow me to escape this scam. It's a scam trial. It looks like the judges are going to allow me to escape this scam. It's a scam trial. If you read all of the legal pundits, all of the legal scholars today, there's not one that I see. And it's true. He said this is a case that should be brought or tried. It's a scam.

It's a political witch hunt. It continues. It continues forever. And we're not going to be given a fair trial. It's a very, very sad thing. In addition, as you know, next Thursday we're before the United States Supreme Court in a very big hearing on immunity. And this is something that we've been waiting for a long time. And the judge, of course, is not going to allow us.

He's a very conflicted judge. And he's not going to allow us to go to that. He won't allow me to leave here for a half a day, go to D.C. and go before the United States Supreme Court because he thinks he's superior, I guess, to the Supreme Court. And he's right. The trial is expected to last about two months. And because it's a criminal trial, he has to be there every day. Right. I'm not confusing my trials, am I? It's like dealing with Capone on the show. to last about two months. And because it's a criminal trial, he has to be there every day. Right? I'm not confusing my trials, am I? It's like dealing with Capone on this show. And Trump faces up to four years in prison if convicted.

I'll bet my mother's ass he's not going to get convicted. Because it's a criminal trial, I'm sorry. I'm saying shit that's in the story, folks. It's, you know, who am I, Colbert? I don't have any staff. Excuse me. Because it's a criminal trial, the former commander-in-chief must show up at court every day

that it's in session. Again, the judge could be, use his discretion and change that, but no, he's a twat, like everybody in New York City, which, again, except for you people who like Trump, get the fuck out of there and let's blow it up. And they won't take out fucking L.A., then Chicago, and all the other scumbag blue fucking anti-Trump states.

Prosecutor Joshua Steinglass, emphasis, Steinglass, yeah, Steinglass recited Trump's infamous Access Hollywood hot mic moment Monday morning, saying Trump's grab- by the pussy speech word for he said it word for word that this guy get this through your head get this through your

head you Jew motherfucker you by the way you know I'm defending Israel so shut up the judge ruled that the tape could not be played for jurors but testimony about the tape will be allowed in the DA's office urge a merchant to find Trump 3000 for jurors, but testimony about the tape will be allowed in. The DA's office urged a merchant to fine Trump $3,000 for violating the court's gag order by disparaging likely witnesses.

Michael Cohen, fucking serial liar, has been lied under oath and busted many times. And Stormy, I'll take it in the ass and mouth for six bucks. Daniels. I'm not holding that against her, by the way. In social media posts. Merchant said a hearing in the matter for next week. In the matter for next week. Who fucking?

Her constitutional scholar. Her. Another Advil, please. Here, constitutional scholar. No, that's not Jonathan Turley um do we already put him up there he is uh Jonathan Turley on how bizarre this case is and why it's bullshit this is Turley telling and this guy by the way Georgetown University he's on all channels lately he's been on Fox a lot because Trump's always dealing with the courts. Okay, he's not a conservative judge, blah, blah, blah. He's like Dershowitz. He actually understands the Constitution.

Okay, here's his take on it. Don't listen to me, the dope with a tuxedo. To go into the Wayback Machine, this statedemeanor uh died because of sexual limitations pause what do you hear what he just said this case is too old to be brought it's already died because of statute of limitations statute of limitations all right so it shouldn't even be happening in the first place so go ahead bragg, well, I'm going to allege that you did false filings on business records to hide a crime. But he was very ambiguous what that crime might be. He still is ambiguous, but it is assumed to be a federal election crime. The problem is the federal government doesn't view it as a crime. They decided not to prosecute. And most election

experts say that this is the type of thing that's failed in the past. So this bizarre indictment is now going to be an equally bizarre trial. And to this day, there's some confusion as to Bragg's actual theory as to what was the exact crime that Trump was hiding from all this. Can you fucking imagine? Counselor! Can you imagine? Counselor! Even the feds didn't have a problem with what went on.

And you people out there, and you can go ahead. And the feds have been weaponized against him, and they don't have a problem with it. Yeah, exactly. When you fucking put on the other channels, they'll be listing. Really, you want this guy as president? 91 indictments, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Honestly? Fucking no. And then they go, he's a threat to democracy. These are all political witch hunts because you don't want him on the ballot. You sick fucks. I don't have to tell you that. I don't mean you guys either. You know that, right? You know what

I'm saying, Tiz? Hey, anyways, in the second half of the show, what will I be talking about? I don't know, but you better be there for it. I'm talking about, oh, finally, that armorer, that young girl that was on the Alec Baldwin set of Rust, that movie when he, you know, used somebody as a clay pigeon. I think that poor woman standing there. Anyways, the girl who was responsible for the gun safety, you know, she got her come on up and the judge didn't go easy on her either. Well, anyways. Also, I got to tell you about a woman that did something on spring break she she's a

capitalist let's put it that way and she limped home with a pocket full of money after making a lot of fellas happy and i have no problem with it sure whatever yeah but it's just shut it she made i'll tell you right now she made a million. Imagine trying to do that with your dick. I went to fucking ladies night at the, some, some, I went to, you know what, that Thunder Down Under. And went into debt by 250. Yeah, exactly. I, I owed them 1100 bucks somehow. That's all exclusively a mug club.

You know, where do you get my club, Nick? Well, you go to nickdip.com and sign up at nickdip.com. Do you hear what I said? Yeah. Beautiful. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Let's move on, shall we? I was going to show you this yesterday because it happened last weekend. Caitlin Clark's clark's snl debut if for you people

who don't know she is she's a great white hope um female basketball player i don't know iowa i think somebody like that um anyway she's the number one draft pick she was picked yesterday by the wmba number one draft pick and remember what jason whitlock said who's a black sports writer she's gonna face so much fucking hate from the lesbians because she actually likes men and from black players because she's the great and it's true even white players

in that league now you can see them getting smacked around flavor fouls black people just angry I think it's because their palms are white and their feet they get very mad at that folks Folks, you know I'm kidding. Black people. Look. I'm almost black myself. From the waist down. I'm totally Chinese. Good night, everybody.

Caitlin Clark's SNL debut. Iowa Hawkeyes great Caitlin Clark. There she is. Made a surprise appearance on Saturday Night Live over the weekend as she got ready to hear her name called, which she did yesterday, at the WNBA Draft number one. Yeah. What about homosexuality, Tony?

You like men, huh? What? That didn't work. Clark appeared on the weekend update segment and chided Michael Che over his jokes about women's sports and the WNBA. In the skit, Clark told Che she wrote some jokes for him and asked him to read them out loud. That was the sketch. And I find this very endearing because she hasn't been in the spotlight or on TV a lot.

So she's stiff as a board and shit. But I love her courage. And she's going to be a household name. And she's going to do all kinds of shit like this. But I find it endearing. That means she's a real basketball, real person. I find it endearing. That means she's a real basketball, a real person. I find it endearing when people aren't comfortable on TV. That's why I look at myself as a fucking asshole.

I couldn't be more comfortable. I don't like you or anybody else. What? Holy shit, the coffee's really... Let's watch this. You make a lot of jokes about women's sports, don't you, Michael? I wouldn't women's sports, don't you, Michael?

I wouldn't say a lot. Don't you, Michael? It's not on the regular. Cut. Do it again. Definitely a lot. I actually sort of made a super cut. Take a look. Well, no, we don't have to do that. A number of sports bars around the country are promising to only show women's basketball games during March Madness.

The bars are known collectively as the Empty Ones. A new report claims that recent stories on the Sports Illustrated website were actually generated by AI. And it's already making glaring mistakes. For instance, it made up something called the WNBA?

Iowa's Final Four game against UConn was the most watched women's college basketball game ever, with 14.2 million viewers, beating the previous record by 14.2 million viewers. Wow. Call them with the receipts. Thanks, man. No problem.

You know, unlike Che, I support women. Whoa! No, hold on. I think you're a great basketball player. I mean, I can't play like you do. Yeah, we know. And obviously, I can't tell jokes like you do. Thank you for that. But I did

write some jokes, and it would mean a lot to me if you read some of them. Just right over there on the cards. Well. She looks like a nun. Like a young nun. The Indiana Fever have the first pick in this Monday's draft. A reminder that Indiana Fever is a WNBA team and not what Michael Che gave to dozens of women at Purdue University.

Good jokes. She didn't write them. That's a good joke. But I mean, SNL. You really wrote these yourself? Yeah. She didn't write them. But I mean, SNL. You really wrote these yourself? Yeah. Netflix's top new show is Ripley, featuring an eerie, unsettling performance by actor Andrew Scott.

Critics say it's the hardest thing to watch on Netflix since Michael Che's special Shame the Devil. I like that one. There's more. This year, Caitlin Clark broke the record for three pointers and a single season. And I have three pointers for Michael Che. One B two funnier, three dumbass. Thanks for doing that, Michael.

Yeah, no problem, and good luck in the WNBA. I hope you have a great first season. Thanks. I'm sure it will be a big first step for me. But it's just one step for the WNBA. Thanks to all the great players like Cheryl Swoops, Lisa Leslie, Cynthia Cooper, the great Don Staley,

and my basketball hero, Maya Moore. These are the women that kicked down the door so I could walk inside. So I want to thank them tonight for laying the foundation, and Michael, since you're such a big fan, I brought you a souvenir. It's an apron signed by me.

Call back to a joke you did about her. Thank you. call back to a joke you did about her thank you i i can't wait to give this to my girlfriend you don't have a girlfriend pause let's do tv with nick first of all it's very safe because a black guy made all the sexual, you know, the sexist jokes. And she got to make him look silly and all that other whore. It's very safe. And they also had to force her to say, the only reason I'm here,

and she has to mention, you know, nine other women. I don't know how many. There were a few white ones in there, but couldn't just let it be. She's probably the best to ever do it. But, you know, you got to. That's how I see it, folks.

I could be wrong. Anyways, the fever did take Ms. Clark yesterday as the number one. She set the all-time Division I NCAA girls basketball record, scoring record this year. Iowa fell short, and they now championed the Staley, South Carolina Gamecocks up in that mother. Ironic. College girls team called Gamecocks. They tried game snatch.

That went nowhere. It didn't work. No. That's gross, Nick. Yeah, I know. I got a jean jacket on. What do you want from me? I can talk like this. Look like every fucking country and western star. Country and what? They don't say that anymore, Nick. It's just country. The only thing you're missing is a cigarette pack in your breast pocket.

That's true. Marlboro. It'd be funny if I had a fucking Virginia Slims. The new cowboy. I got to just say something real quick. American Idol. There's a 15-year-old black kid. Did I mention? I think I did mention him a few weeks ago. He's 15 years old.

I still want to see his birth certificate. Got the deepest voice. He's more mature than I'll ever be in my life. And he had to grow up fast, you know. He explains that. But he, dude, we're watching the next Tiger Woods. We're watching, he's got a Southern accent, sounds like a white Southern guy.

Looks like Muhammad Ali, a baby face Muhammad Ali. But he's got the cowboy, and not a fake. He grew up in Alabama, whatever. He's got the fucking greatest country voice you've ever heard. And he's 15. I don't understand it. I actually was saying, and this is how jaded I am. I said to my wife, how do we, I know I'll put the tinfoil hat on for this one. I go, I swear to God, he's AI. How would we know? He checks every, he's going to be a zillionaire. You understand?

He's got the talent. He's black, but he's whiter than you and I. It sings like, pick your favorite country guy, George Strait, whoever you love, already at 15. If he doesn't fucking win this thing, I will fucking be very, it's insane. It is insane. It's like Tiger in golf. And I swear to God, he's going to be that big. Crazy, talented, mature, nice kid with the heaviest twang accent.

It's fucking insane. And there's another guy, I know you guys will laugh that I watched this. Again, I'm not going to tell you why. He's using me, pausing every few seconds, my wife yelling at me because I'm doing this fucking analysis, social constructs and all kinds of shit. It really is. If you want to teach people about political correctness and being manipulated by left-wing media

and the victim status and how kids today, that's their currency. If you get a sob story, you go to the front of the line. This is the fucking prototype to watch. That and America's Got Talent, it's creepy how you're manipulated and the fake arguments and shit. But you can't deny the talent on some of these people. It's insane. Then there's a big football player. Dude, he's fucking like an offensive, he's a cyber offensive lineman in the NFL. He played it like a division, a small school from Georgia. Fucking red beard. He's got that scary redneck face that you wouldn't fuck with this guy. He's got beady eyes, just would, fucking monster. Another guy, got the raspiest, most beautiful country voice you've ever heard. These guys are

fucking all set. And there's a, whatever. Watch it, though. If political, I'm giving you a trigger warning. If you want to go through the roof, watch that show. Anyways, for those of you guys on Mug Club right now, stick around for the second half of the show. The rest of you guys, you got to go to nickdip.com and sign up to get the rest of this show,

the rest of the great Stephen Crowder show. I think I will be filling in for Stephen at the end of May, sitting at his desk. And don't expect, I don't know what to expect. If they're going to make me try to do the show the way he does,

that'll be fucking, it'll be hilarious either way. My head will explode. Anyways, or I'll, you know, duck and make a mess of it. Either way way you're gonna laugh because

he puts on just a tremendous show everyone else I told you to go to nickdip.com and get crowded and a whole lot more meaning Alex Jones and on

Fridays and the Hodge twins and Brian Kellen anyways and while you're there click on the tour date button May 1st and 2nd Sidesplitters Comedy

Club Tampa I'm sure you're sick of and God the tour date button. May 1st and 2nd, Sidesplitters Comedy Club, Tampa. I'm sure you're sick of it. And God bless you, Tampa. You'll be guinea pigs because it'll be the first time I've been on stage in about eight months, which is the longest break. It was a break. I took a fucking break. And that could be hilarious. Once again, a total disaster, which will be funny.

Either way, you know, I'll get mad and start cursing out fucking my. It'll be great. I'll tip over shit, break the mic stand. Then May 10th, two shows at Soul Joel's Comedy Club in Pottstown, Pennsylvania. Very good gig. And then the next night, of course, the big one, May 11th, Comp AC Theater, Red Bank, New Jersey, 1,500 seat venue. Let's come as close as we can, filling in, all right?

I really think we'll hit the thousand mark, and I gotta be honest with you, and that, again, I gotta thank the fans. We're at 700 and something, whatever. I gotta thank the fans. My fans. This

shit, and I'm not just being corny, it means more to me than any of the fucking credits, the Tonight Show, doing Letterman, all that stuff is great when you're coming up. But to be in the game 37 years and hopefully having 1,000 people there, because of word of mouth, really, not because I'm on a show every night.

I'm on Crowder once a month for a couple days. And I give that to you guys, real comedy fans who follow it and follow what's going on in the country. And we can hopefully, whatever. I thank you. Especially Jersey. I've always said that you've been good to me. Let's move on so I can get the fuck out of here.

I hate this business. What? And action. Hi. Good night night everybody. Cause once I We're a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else

No, no I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else And I don't wanna be destroyed like everybody else And I don't wanna get in trouble like everybody else Cause I'm not like everybody else

I'm not like everybody else