The Nick DiPaolo Show - Another Balloon Mystery? | Nick Di Paolo Show #1357

Episode Date: February 21, 2023

Reports of Another Balloon Over Hawaii. Adult Airline Drama. Roald Dahl Being Censored in the Afterlife.   Join Nick for bonus content at Patreon! www.patreon.com/thenickdipaoloshow  Go see Nick on the road! www.nickdip.com/tour for tickets

🎵 I want all of you to enjoy your cake. So, enjoy. Hi. Welcome to the Nick DiPaolo show on a Tuesday. So, enjoy. improved it's like coke zero it's covid zero anyhow any he any who in a high uh what i do last night nothing did some stretching hey see that that was almost jeff dunham and peanut like i'm telling you anyways i don't know what to say to say. I guess it's get on with the show. Hope I get some small talk. I don't know. What did you guys do for President's Day yesterday?

I do what we always do. My family made an address. My dad was a big historian type guy. historian type guy and we'd have to do this either on Presidents Day or November 22nd. We'd have to reenact a Kennedy assassination. He would rent a limo and put the roof down and my mother would be in the back with him. My Uncle Bob would drive. And me and my brother would be on the roof of our neighbors across the street throwing rocks. They made us throw rocks at my dad. And then one tomato for the hit to make it look.

And, oh, my God. Then we had to, he would fucking film it. And this is in the 70s with that projector thing. We'd have to review it for two days and tell him where he was wrong. Oh, Annie, what a pain in the ass that was. All right. I don't know what else to say other than let's get on with the goddamn show.

Unbelievable. Another day, another ballooning. Problem is ballooning. What is that? Reports are flooding in that a large, this was last night or yesterday, that a large white balloon has been seen by pilots over Honolulu in Hawaii, as opposed to the Honolulu in fucking Denver. Thanks for clearing that up, you cheese dicks. It comes just days after U.S. officials claim that a previously downed Chinese spy, you know, the one that went down on Swalwell,

Fang Fang, you don't want a bride going down on you named Fang Fang. Am I right? Ting-hang-wong-gay. Chinese spy balloon that was targeting the state of Hawaii was blown off course what are they talking about the Chinese said that on the first one we go to China now

I want to tell you something important is a very important or very big blow. Hey, waitress, just get my fog cutter and shut up. My scorpion ball. Anyhow, now reports like this tweet are flooding in on social media claiming that pilots have seen what is being described as a large white balloon approximately 40,000 feet over Honolulu. I'm not talking about last week, folks. This is another one.

We ended up shooting down, again, they never really clarified it. People are saying it was old weather balloons and shit. They never really clarified. Again, don't believe your government, okay? Is this China or is this US Air Force about to accidentally shoot down another weather balloon another

person tweeted it's a sick question you're sick fuck and I'm not that sick that I'm gonna answer that was a sergeant Milley's answer these reports have not yet but hey what happened to the Space Force that Trump was working on I suppose we get rid of that as soon as douchebag took office. These reports have not been confirmed by air traffic control or other United States officials. Well, maybe there's people making it up on Twitter. Yeah, fucks. I doubt it.

The flying object was said to have been seen by several pilots. Oh, here we go. Probably ones that were drinking on Southwest. Have the DTs or quit trying to... An image circulating online shows what appears to be a pilot in the cockpit holding a note. Now, wait a minute.

Is that the note? Looks like a receipt from Walmart. Oh, thank you. Report of large white balloon in vicinity of whatever. Estimated to be between 400 and... FL-400 and FL-500. I'm guessing that's

a location, air location. Yeah. Precise altitude unknown. Advise ATC if object is seen. Roger. I like that type of talk. It makes me hard.

My wife hates it when we're having sex. She'll go, is that good? I go, Roger. You know, she doesn't like that type of shit. And I said, I said, out of tension. And she goes, why don't you say that to your dick? I said, listen, corporal. Fucking backslap you.

Anyways, who saw that note? And he's holding it, what, in the window? Who saw it and how? I am totally confused. This sounds like a lot of horse poo-poo. Sorry for the strong language. This note reads, one large cappuccino with foam and a fucking donut. The note reads, report of large white balloon, that's what I got on my gums over my bad tooth, in vicinity of,

write this down, folks, an important number. Jesus, my eyes. 2639N, as in Nancy, 15021, Walter. What's W in Dallas in the? Whiskey. Whiskey. Jesus Christ, it's much better than Walter. What's N? Don't say it. What is it?

November. Honestly? Yeah. Boy, they fucked up on that one. I would have went with Nancy estimated to be between FL 400 FL fire person can I just read this oh I read it on the thing advise ATC if object is seen I would be shit my pants I gotta be honest from a pilot up there and I see that I'd be like this is your captain speaking you people on left side of So I'm a pilot up there. Let's see that.

I'd be like, this is your captain speaking. You people on the left side of the plane, look out. Look, another chink balloon. The balls on these fucking zipper heads. Am I right? Who's with me? Raise your hands. By the way, the seatbelt is off because it's not going to matter if this is what I think it is.

We're all going to burn to a crispy cream. Sunday, the Oakland Oceanic Air Traffic Control Center confirmed the existence of the flying object. They think it was a ball hit by Mark McGuire in 1996 out of the Oakland Stadium. out of the Oakland Stadium. BNO News said that in terms of altitude, this unidentified flying object was seen floating up to 50,000 feet, according to the outlet. Currently, it is not known who the object belongs to. Again, we don't even know who the three things we shot down.

They didn't bother retrieving them, did they? One of them belonged to a hobby club. Remember? That was hilarious. $12. Yeah. We shot two missiles at it, by the way. $800,000.

Or the threat level it poses to the public. Yeah, neither of those are very important. I don't know nothing about that. Of course you don't. Fucking, you know, that was Pete Buttigieg. Pete Buttigieg. What course you don't. You know, that was Pete Buttigieg. Pete Buttigieg. What a waste of skin. Do you guys realize how incompetent

the people are that, oh, I mean, even good politicians barely do anything. But then when you got these hacks, let me tell you something. Marjorie Taylor Greene would be on my goddamn ticket. I just fucking love her spunk.

What did she put up that could have been construed as racist this week? I don't know, but I was belly laughing. She don't play. South Carolina's hardcore, seems like that state. I might go up there and shoot squirrels. You ever have squirrel? Heard it's pretty good. Looks too much like a goddamn rat, though.

You know what I'm saying? All right, what's that? Got the energy of a cancer patient right now. Next story, just plain rude. Plain, P-L-A-N-E.n-e oh boy was staying in the sky for this one one man shared his unpleasant experience with a fellow plane passenger who was sitting in his assigned seat and how he got the ultimate revenge on her during the flight now i read the first paragraph i said if this doesn't

end with him fucking hitting her with a forearm shiver to the chin, I said he didn't get the ultimate revenge. Nothing but physical violence on this woman would suffice as far as I'm concerned. After I get sucked and punched by a woman, that's my new... No, I wouldn't do that unless she was fat and from Denver. What? I don't know. He was flying from Florida to California to visit a friend. Ooh, I bet. I used to have this manager who was gay, big heavy set fellow. We all knew he was gay, but he wasn't out. And would go, Artie Lang goes, Pete, he was Artie's game, but he wasn't out. And would go, Artie Lang goes, Pete, he was Artie's manager. Pete, what are you doing this weekend?

I'm going to, it's a long weekend, Labor Day. Going to Nantucket with my friend Jason. Not even Nantucket, I think it was Provincetown. Anyways, it was a very quaint, tony place. What are you saying, Nick? You know what I'm saying. It's hilarious. I fucking love them. They're so funny. We'd be at breakfast

and he'd look at the menu and he'd go, I've been good all week. I'll have the pancakes. All I can see is Florida, California to visit a friend. Oh, that's why I got off on that tangent. According to his ticket, this guy who some woman sat in his assigned seat, he was assigned in an aisle seat toward the back of the plane.

Must have been black. However, upon boarding the plane, the man realized there was a young, dumb fat broad in his seat. I added that for emphasis. So I point out, hey, sorry, you are probably in the wrong seat. Ever watch people try to find their seats? And don't you go, how did we evolve as a society? Look, I've sat in the wrong seat. I've fallen 30 years, maybe twice. Not because I didn't know what the fuck. I was in a rush. I feel people breathing down my neck, you know what I mean? Or the wrong seat. I've fallen 30 years, maybe twice. Not because I didn't know what the fuck.

I was in a rush. I feel people breathing down my neck. You know what I mean? Or something like that. But anyways, and then I realized it before, actually. Anyways, so he says, you probably sat in the wrong seat. And the guy says, I show her my ticket, right? And I nicely say, all right, get up.

That's how I would have handled it. With an eye roll that could have sounded like she was playing Yahtzee. Oh, my God, I thought I was the only one doing the Yahtzee reference. She says, Oh, I'm in 24C. Now, at that point, I'd go, Oh, what's your fucking point? I don't care if you're in 11DD. Right now you're in my seat. That's how I handle it and people call me an asshole. You can't argue with a woman.

That's just being, hey, suck a bag of shit. You know how many times I help women with their bags even though they don't deserve it, because they're not even fuckable? Oh my God, that's horrible. Who are you, Tiger Woods? I'm going to carry a tampon now anytime I'm hanging out with my buddies. Just do it. Anyways, the woman's seat was directly behind the man's.

And when he glanced over at the row, he realized why the woman was refusing to sit in her own seat. There was a 300 to 400 pound female sitting in the middle seat eating a whole cheesecake with her hands no uh the man shared uh the seat was also not ideal for him because the guy himself is 6'1 230 pounds and he has to be forced to sit next to a 400-pound fucking woman in the middle. Ring that buzzer. This is horrible. And let me just make a little good time to fucking talk about the airline. The only industry in the history of this country that hasn't evolved a fucking speck.

The Wright brothers would come back and go, what the fuck? This is uncomfortable. Have you ever? Matter of fact, American Airlines, a couple of years ago, I did a story where the leg room is less than it was a few years ago to fit a few more extra seats. It is, I can't wait for the day. And I'm nervous.

I am nervous about flying out with all this woke shit going on. I feel like I've got to get, you know, here's what I hear in my head when I fly. And I always, and I'm not kidding you. Every time I'm going down the jetway to board, I hear this. You can't win them all. You can't win them. I hear that in my head. Because when you land safely, you're winning them all.

Right? No, I'm talking to a guy who jumped out of a plane. Dallas is looking at me with a tilted head like, what the fuck are you talking about? Dallas can't even relate to this. This guy jumped out of perfectly good planes. God bless his soul. But I'm just saying, you can't win. Well, you must have thought that when you jumped out of a plane.

No? He's like, no. You can't think like that you jumped out of a plane. No, he's like no You can't think like that in the middle. Anyways, that's how I think I just know my luck and then people go You know you'll go in at your time and somebody I forget who said that what if it's the guy next me? What if it's his time? It's a great great parent. Anyway, still the woman refused to allow him to sit in his assigned seat Which I don't understand. Here's where you, again, back in the day, you could put your hands on anybody.

Now you do that. You know, you're going to be on an iPhone going viral. Fucking, you won't be able to fly ever again, whatever. But still, I'd sock her in the face just to come. No, still, the woman refused to allow him to sit. Again, I wouldn't know how to handle this. I'd lose my shit. I say that, but I got sucker punched and I behaved myself

because that could have been deadly. After a 15-second stare down, this is the guy who experienced this talking. I say, well, and she says, she says she's comfortable already and not moving. It wants to sleep, blah, blah, blah. Fucking bitch. Oh, my God. That's where I raise my voice. Oh, I guess you can ring that thing.

That's the smart move, but I don't like doing that. I'd rather be that guy at the ball game you see in the background on the camera wrestling with some fat guy. Bears are flying. Left with no choice, he was forced to sit on her face. Turned out he loved it. No, he was forced to sit in her assigned seat. Do you believe this? That's not him, by the way. I proceeded to set a, listen to what he did. I don't know why he'd be, he must have Alzheimer's. He proceeded to set a silent timer on my phone that went off every two minutes. Why? You couldn't just count it? To remind himself to kick her seat violently. I don't know. You should have filmed this. And then every time the seat belt sign went off,

I'd get up, and this drives me nuts, grabbing the top of the seat to lift myself up, pulling her seat back and forth, which people still do. And you cocksuckers with your book bags. I sit on the aisle all the time. Fucking by the time I get to where I'm going, I have a black left eye and no ear.

But can you imagine she wouldn't fucking get up? You fucking whore. There you go. Yeah, that's it. Go home. Get my dinner ready. I'll never stop laughing at that. There were many death stares and heads turned each time I would just smile and wave. time I would just smile and wave. I would love to turn around if somebody's kicking my seat and see a guy with fucking those loafers on. It would be go time. I'd beat him with his own boat shoes. Don't you fucking hate that though? I can't believe a woman would have the gall to say, I'm not getting up. And again, it would have been solved if the guy rang the bell, that little thing that makes you feel...

But you know what? Fucking people are still loading their bags and shit. They're not going to get to you. It's a horrible experience. That's all I got to say. It's so bad that I'm watching 1823. I hope that's the name of the show, or 1883. I can't get them straight.

You know, it was when Americans tried to go west that horrible time and people died of everything from dandruff to what a shit time to be alive. But I watched that and they fucking you know, they're in a wagon. Takes a month to go fucking 200 miles and I'm still

I'd rather do that than be on a southwest flight. I just fucking I've grown to hate it I like sitting at the airport and watching fat people you know especially spared airlines you could see a fucking race war those blacks I'll tell you when they fly they fly all right let me move on and a final story tonight on Jackoff Jim. Willy Wonka ruined. What? How can you ruin a thing like that?

The latest editions of Roald Dahl's, never heard of him, sorry, much-loved children's books. Oh, that's why. I don't molest kids anymore. Have been altered to remove words such as, get this, folks, oh, my God, fat, ugly, and mad. So I guess they don't mention The View in any of these. The Telegraph first reported. So they're fucking with these books.

And this guy's not even alive anymore. And some woman said, this way they won't be offensive to anybody. You fat cat. Wow, he wouldn't like that. So Roald Dahl, who died in 1990, is one of the most successful authors of all time. Boy, did I get a shitty education. I guess if I had kids.

Or, like I said, if I had them tied in my house. His 43 books. What in God? What did he write down every thought he ever had this asshole? Oh look at her ass She's 11 yummy including more than 20 children's books have sold more than 250 million copies According to words rated That's two hundred and forty nine million nine hundred and ninety,000 more than my first album sold. In a note at the beginning of the new editions,

which the Telegraph cited, the publisher Puffin, oh, God, Paula Puffin, said some text had been rewritten to ensure that Dahl's books, listen to the arrogance in this sentence, can continue to be enjoyed by all today. It didn't sound like people were having a problem with it with 250 million sold, you fucking arrogant twat. Who the fuck are you to change somebody's work after he's gone, by the way?

That is just so typical. And by the way, that would be a lefty. And they talk about the right book burning and shit how fucking dare you shut up mind your fucking business and shut up exactly that's what he would have said puffin where can we protest her find her house and the uh roald doll story company hired sensitivity oh yeah his company hired sensitivity yeah Oh yeah. His company hired sensitivity. Yeah, I'm sure they did. Sensitivity readers from the inclusive minds, which calls itself a collective, listen to the arrogance again, for people who are passionate about inclusion, diversity,

equality, and accessibility. We call those people jerk-offs. Plain and simple. Virtue signaling, spiritless, soulless, control freak jerk-offs. Diversity, equity, and accessibility in children's literature. I got news for you. The world wasn't that diverse sometimes. The world wasn't that diverse sometimes. The word fat has been cut from all dolls' kids' books. It's kind of ironic when today one in three kids is obese.

You'd think they could relate more to it. The book should be 300 pages of pictures of different cakes. According to Telegraph, Augustus Gloop, who used to turn punts for the Packers in the 70s. Oh, he looks horrible. Who's that? Augustus Gloop? I don't get it. What? He's a character in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. In Willy Walker? Yeah. I don't remember jerking off to him. I mean, what? It looks like to me he's in a field. He's a midget.

A dog just took a big dump, a nugget filled one. And those are his arteries, which are clogging from all the chocolate. Anyway, Augustus Globe from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is now simply enormous rather than enormously fat. Aunt Sponge, how the fuck is that offensive? We had an aunt who was a sponge. Every time she'd ask us for five dollars on our birthday. From James and the Giant Peach. Is that him again, this

guy? He wrote some real garbage. What? Who's that? Yeah, Roald Dahl. Same guy. Is no longer the fat one. Instead, they say this. Y'all fat fuck, look at you. The publisher, oh, this is precious, has also removed the word ugly. Oh, my God. Rather than being ugly and beastly, Mrs. Twit, why don't you change your name? Mrs. Twit of the Twits, that's not fucking offensive. Oh god, look at that. Look at those Jewish stereotypes. That's horrible. That's anti-Semitic. Can I ask you a question? Who

are those old Jewish ladies I see on TV who are over somewhere in Europe starving to death? I know, the same ladies. The same ladies for 10 years now. They're always 103, and one lady opens a package, and she's making out with a bag of unleavened bread. Somebody help them, will you? They're probably gone now. I mean, but then there's a lady right there, a young woman, going,

please send money. Send money. Make them a BLT. You're young woman, going, please send money. Send money. Make them a BLT. You're 10 feet away. You fat fuck. Look at you. Anyways, the twits is now simply beastly. The publishers also cut terms such as crazy and mad, which Dahl used on numerous occasions.

You know why? They were acceptable. Oh, my God. We are living in horrible... I hope this is infected, and I do die. The new editions also try to modernize the book's portrayal of women. Can't leave it alone, can they? I hope the changes were bigger tits. I hope the changes were bigger tits.

The suggestion that something might be not ladylike has been switched to undignified. Yeah, because that's a word kids would get. In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. She's a malignant cunt. All right, that's a little over the top there. They've also opted for gender neutral terms where possible Mothers and fathers has become parents

It's become parents How about I thought oh only in science is that egg donor and sperm? Yeah. See what we're doing to women, though, we're just cutting them down to nothing. Anyways, cloud men, I guess cloud men run this story. I can't believe I missed this one, and I went to UMaine. Cloud men of James and the Giant Peach are now cloud people. Thank God. Honest to God, because society, what is... Oh, there's the...

First of all, that looks like a beautiful woman's ass. And there's a bunch of old white guys trying to pinch it. I don't see what's wrong with that. That looks like something Biden's going to shoot down. I don't see what's wrong with that. That looks like something Biden's going to shoot down. That's the giant peach. And who's this James jerk off? Do you see, folks?

Do you see? We're under a cultural revolution. China already went through this. They're better at it because, you know, they imprisoned and they, which they which is coming by the way which is coming. Is my story the the bonus story is that the Trudeau China link? No? What is it? Encore is a Bhattacharya with the tech censorship. What was the first word you said?

Bhattacharya. Oh, that thing. Wow, all of a sudden Dallas speaks real Hindu. But that Indian doctor who was right about the pandemic, and you people, again, who subscribe will know. Remember at the beginning of the pandemic, they silenced a bunch of, how can you silence a guy with an Indian name that,

guys are wrong about nothing. I love Indian doctors, especially the ones that are like 22 years old and they're girls and they smell nice and they don't have that thing saying they're married. Oh, I love them. Okay, I just made up some girls. Did I tell you, do I tell you I got a hernia too? Yeah. That else is laughing. And I think I already had this fucking thing fixed.

I can't remember where the last one is. All I know is I had a young nurse, and I got to be honest. What do you call that sonar thing when they? Oh. Not an EKG, but not an MRI. Or is it? No. I know.

What is it? They put gunk on it and they, what the fuck is that called? Bottom line is, she goes, you got to take a... Sonogram. Well, I was going to say sonogram, but that's for pregnant women,

but I guess it's the same thing. Yeah. Anyways, she was like 23 and she looks at me, and she goes, you got to take everything off from the waist down. And I went. I just got this psycho look on my face. I'm like, really?

Oh, that sucks in my sarcastic way. Anyways, then spent the next 45 minutes. I'm glad she covered my dick. It's not going to blow anybody out of the water. Like Lenny Clark said best. Lenny said, I'm not knocking any walls down on this thing, but I'm not hurting the national average either. Anyway, she puts a little cloth over it. You know, I got my left nut out there. Beautiful. Getting some air. And she puts a little cloth over it, you know, I got my left nut out there, beautiful, getting some air. And she puts goop on it and it's fucking on my balls, folks. What a country.

And we're trying to have a normal conversation, you know. You can tell she's talking at like a nervous pace, probably because I was like this. No, it was fun. I've got to be honest. Hey, I'm 61. I'm going to start faking hernias. How'd you hurt yourself?

Picking up a goddamn cup of coffee. It was a large. Anyhow, yeah, the Gooper thing. So I had my physical the other day. Doctor. I go, is that a hernia? He goes, I don't know. He said it like I asked you.

It was the worst physical. Again, we're switching doctors. Me and my wife. Guy fucking sucked. I won't tell you who he is. Looks in my ears and my nose, my eyes with that light. What is this, 1968? That's all he did. slaps me on the back meanwhile let me ask you a question when they put this stethoscope to you

and they have you take deep breaths what are they listening for any idea yeah i think it's anything that might be in the lung yeah well mine sounded you know, a tub sloshing around and he doesn't say shit. And then I said, prostate exam. I go, does the PSA screening take, replace the prostate exam, the digital thing now? And he goes, yeah. He goes, there, the other one was given too many false or whatever. So I, which I'm glad I don't need a guy's finger up my ass. I can do that myself. I'm flexible. So as soon as he says that, as soon as I get out of there,

I Google. And it says just the opposite. It says some doctors still do the digital exam because the PSA screening gives too many false. It was opposite of what he said and the truth is they don't know. You know I mean so I'm gonna do mine at

home myself in the garage like I used to do. Anyways that's it that's all I got for you guys today. Cameo.com. If you want me to roast a friend or relative, go to cameo.com. Tell me about the person, and we'll cut them to ribbons verbally, or I can say happy birthday, whatever. I did a lot of them for Valentine's Day.

It's a lot of fun, isn't it? And again, it lines my pockets with nickels and dimes so I can control the politicians in my area. That is it. You guys think and I'll say it. You're very welcome. We'll see you back here tomorrow. Have a good day, everybody. Hi. Good night, everybody. guitar solo Outro Music