The Nick DiPaolo Show - Archer Hero Or Zero? | Nick Di Paolo Show #1436

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Archer & Hunter, Ukraine drones, a possible secret Chinese lab and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Fuck Joe Biden! Fuck Joe Biden! Today's a good day to fuck Joe Biden. Hopefully hopefully but you know how it works how are you folks welcome filthy monday hate it rather be laying on the couch good night um what's going on um we'll get to you know hunter and devin archer it's the big day for testimony. See if somebody got to him. Over the weekend, UFC. I got to start with UFC. I'm sorry. Justin Gaethje is my favorite fighter of all time.

Never see him. I don't see him enough on UFC. And he fights Poirier for the second time this weekend. Poirier beat him the first time. They're the two toughest motherfuckers on the planet. So check this out. This is like a grand slam in baseball. You don't see it often, but God, it's sweet when it happens.

Oh. You got knocked the fuck out, man. Oh, man. Oh, God. Watch this. Oh, my God. I thought his head was going to land on my couch. And then he gives him a little tap there. That was just, it made me hard.

That's my favorite Friday, Gaethje. And that guy's probably my second favorite. Look, I'm wearing this like I'm Jamie Foxx. I kind of like it on them. What do you mean, them? You heard me. Shut the fuck up. Anyways, yes, folks.

I'm trying to convert my boy Colin Quinn. He's old school. He still watches boxing. I go, you're always ahead of me with everything. I said, music, you're always hip, books, fucking, what are you doing? Swallowed boxing, hold this book for a reason. Don't get me wrong. I'll watch Mickey Ward and whoever.

I better shut up and get on because we had a lot of show. Anyways, that was just, it was frigging great. And the Sox, my Sox went to San Francisco. Giants are pretty good. They're like nine games over 500. And we take the first one, and then we get beat on a walk-off home run on Saturday and a walk-off single or whatever the fuck, and extra innings on Sunday. Justin Turner is having the year of his life.

Even when you take all those Dodger years he had. This guy, he's got 70-something RBI's in 16-17 home run. Nobody expected this from him. Those are, if they said to the Sox before the season started, those are the numbers that are going to be

at the end of the year, you're like, beautiful. Fucking, he's having the fucking year of his life. What do you guys care? I know.

I'm a Phillies fan. I'm a Cardinals fan. Shut the fuck up, Nick. I don't blame you. And finally, I cracked the code for New York crust pizza. I cracked the code for New York crust pizza I cracked the code

I've been trying to look the first 15 years I'm doing it in a kitchen oven what am I what am I living like an animal

so then you know I saw some dope and I got a pizza oven and you know I've been keeping you up I got the Neapolitan down

but I like the New York style, folks. It's thin. It's greasy. You can fold it in half like Travolta did. And you know what? Saturday Night Fever. That's a fucking... So I switched to bread. I looked it up. I Googled it. I said, New York City goddamn thin style crust. Why didn't I think of that? I don't know, the internet's been around since what, 1850? Anyways, bread dough, bread dough, bread flour, I mean, and I used a pizza hook. It's all in the instructions. Let it, I can, the, the, the, let it, the biggest thing is letting it proof overnight

or for up to, you know, two, two days or whatever. And then it just, it's like playing with your girlfriend's tits. They go this way and that way. Okay, bad example. Hopefully your tits stay right with it. Anyways, it's, I folded the motherfucker. Threw a party. Nobody cared. All right, let's get on with it. Boy, did I bore the shit out of you people. Joe's Day of Reckoning. Devin Archer, Hunter Biden's long-time friend and fiend, I mean friend, holy shit, they look alike,

and business associate, is expected to testify on Capitol Hill if he's not assassinated today, and share intimate details about the foreign ventures he worked on, and the level at which Mr. President Biden was allegedly, and alleged my ass, Archer is set to appear

before the House Oversight Committee Monday and is reportedly preparing to tell lawmakers that President Biden met with dozens of Hunter's business associates while he was getting blown by a 12-year-old Chinese kid. Cut! I'm just kidding. While he was serving as vice president

between 2009, 2017. So we know all that's true, don't we? What are we doing? You know what you're doing. What's going on right now? Archer is expected to detail the meetings he witnessed that both Bidens attended, either in person or via telephone. Archer will reportedly testify that Hunter would specifically introduce his dad to foreign business partners or prospective investors. Hello. Hello, Joe. Archer's intimate knowledge of the business arrangements come after years of working closely with Hunter, including on the board of Ukrainian natural gas firm Burisma Holdings with him beginning in 2014. Archer also co-founded investment firm Rosemont Seneca alongside the president's son and climate envoy John Kerry's stepson, Christopher Hines. Archer served as the managing director. Archer co-founded BHR Partners in 2013, a joint venture between Rosemont Seneca and Chinese investment firm Bohel Capital. BHR Partners

is a Beijing-backed private equity firm controlled by Bank of China Limited. Don't get any dirtier than that. Archer was forced to resign from BHR Partners in May 2016 after he came under federal investigation. Archer visited Biden's vice presidential residence for a holiday reception in December 2009. He met with Biden in the West Wing of the White House on April 16, 2014, just days before Archer and Hunter joined the board of Ukrainian gas company Burisma Holdings in Ukraine. It's all fitting like a bicycle. Joe Biden, while serving as vice president, and Hunter Biden allegedly coerced Burisma CEO Mikola Zalovsky to pay them millions of dollars to help get the Ukrainian prosecutor investigating

the firm, remember this, fired. Remember he's bragging about it? Son of a bitch. He was, according to allegations included in an unclassified FBI FD 1023. Those 1023s will get you every time. At the time, Joe Biden was in charge of U.S.-Ukraine policy for the Obama administration. Biden has publicly boasted about his success in having that prosecutor, Victor Shokin, fired, though supporters said firing Shokin was consistent with the United States policy. Though supporters said firing Shokin was consistent with the United States policy. Here's Lindsey Graham in 20 years. Look at this guy.

So anyways, and the other big thing about this that happened this weekend, they actually, the DOJ actually was trying to have Devon Archer arrested because he's, you know, he's on trial for something else. No, he's already, he's got to do a year for some other tax fraud shit or whatever. They were going to have him thrown in jail this weekend so he couldn't testify. Does it get any more Banana Republic slash Marxist slash Soviet fucking unbelievable?

They just weaponize, it's crazy. And it's, I swear to God, Biden's not even smart to do it i'm telling you and it's all out in the open they're not even hiding it it's all out in the fucking open and this will be an outrage oh we're threatening impeachment what the fuck is that you might as well give him a kiss on the forehead impeachment doesn't do anything can you imagine if this was trump that's the other thing this is all against the backdrop of Trump being railroaded for trumped up charges. Can you fucking, the worst, the most scandalous scumbags ever, this administration. Biden family is just corrupt from day one.

Icky, pooky, ugh. Anyways. Hey, in the second half of the show, I'm going to be talking about LeBron James He started a school for students at risk Whatever the fuck that is What do they do, walk on thin ice when they go to school? What the hell does that even mean? You know what it means

Poor black and brown kids And apparently none of them can do math From kindergarten up to, I think they said, eighth grade Not one of them can do math at a grade level I'm not even teasing you I'm telling you the story story. I love it. As Laura Ingraham said, shut up and dribble. No, at least his heart's in the right place. I'm not putting this on him, but can we quit pretending? Can we quit being PC? Look, I can't do math as good as a Jewish guy. End of quote. And I'm pretty good. A Jewish guy can't do math as good a lot of Asian kids.

And black and brown people, not people, kids, they just can't do fucking math. That's not true either. I'm sure Tiger Woods, there's three of them. Obama, his wife. No, you know what I'm saying.

You can't, I'm sorry, you can't cover up some shit. That's all I'm saying. That's going to be in the second half of the show that and and of course a white radio sports guy gets fired kind of a hash throwback to hash to hashtag me too made to me the most innocuous statement about a blonde broadcaster and he's he's gone just the double standards make my sister's ass get bigger. Those stories are exclusively on Mug Club. So join now to get it at where? NickDip.com.

Most important part. Hey, boys and girls, head over to NickDip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Let's move on to Chick in Kiev. Nick, is that a joke about the Ukraine? Kinda. Anyways, Russian authorities say the Ukrainian drones, uh, that you three Ukrainian, uh, drones attacked Moscow in the early hours on Sunday, injuring one person and prompting

a temporary closure for traffic of one of four airports around the Russian capital. Kind of a big story when you're hitting Moscow. This should be what we're all talking about. But no, they gave us UFOs and Devon Archer and other things. Look over here. Don't look over here. We're on the brink of fucking literally nuclear destruction where Trump was supposed to take us. Can you imagine?

Looks like the Capitol. You wouldn't be so lucky. Nick, that's how, shut it. It was the fourth such attempt. God fucking damn it, Nick. It was the fourth such attempt at a strike on the capital region this month, and the third this week, fueling concerns about Moscow's vulnerability to attacks as Russia's war in Ukraine drags it into its 18th month. And if you got Trump in there, he would have solved it, and he would have.

He would have sat him down. He would have broken a deal. He would have. I'm wholly convinced. Even people who don't like him said he would be better at it. He would have. I'm wholly convinced. Even people who don't like him said he would be better at it. Name one. I don't know, Charo. That's also, for you young kids, that was a Spanish beautiful woman in the 70s. She's coochie-coochie. Your dad jerked off to her a million times. So did I. I was 14. Yummy. She's still around, by the way. Anyway, the Russian Defense Ministry referred to the incident as an attempted terrorist attack by the Kiev regime. And said three drones targeted the city. Comrade, here is something that might be of interest to you.

Your office was blown to bits. Your office was blown to bits. One was shot down in the surrounding Moscow region by air defense systems, and two other ones were jammed. Those two crashed into the Moscow City Business District, taking out two chess kings and a CVS. And the Capitol. Photos from the site of the crash showed the facade of a skyscraper damaged on one floor

moscow mayor sir sobanian said the attack insignificantly damaged the outside of two buildings in the moscow city district there was no immediate comment from ukrainian officials who rarely if ever take responsibility for attacks on Russian soil. So they ask, you know, Zelensky and the boy, what's going on? They get nothing. It's a dangerous situation. Why is Richard Gere of Russia staring at us? Russia's defense ministry reported shooting down a Ukrainian drone outside of Moscow on Friday.

Two more drones struck the Russian capital on Monday, one of them falling in the center of the city near the Defense Ministry's headquarters along the Moscow River, about three kilometers, which is two miles from the Kremlin. Hey, that's a beautiful building, huh? That's about as warm as an army physical. It's true. Then again, you look at the Pentagon, that's not exactly fucking welcoming. Big cold. And if the Dems had the way, that's not exactly fucking welcoming. Big cold. And if the Dems had the way, that's how the whole country would look.

Suburbs. You know what I'm saying? Sure you do. Goodness gracious hell-o-ees. Let's move on. China syndrome. Nick, what does that mean? Well, that was a movie back in the 70s or 80s.

I want to go 80s. I don't know. I know Cher was in it. It was about the nuclear reactor melting down and shit. One of them. I can't remember which one. Pick one. Three Mile Island, fucking whatever.

Somebody spilled a, literally, it's how it was triggered. Somebody spilled like a drink. You know, like if I sat at your desk with my coffee and I spilled it on the board, it wouldn't fucking melt the world out. Which one was it in Russia?

The nuclear? Chernobyl. Yeah, I think it was Chernobyl. Thank you. Fucking mind. It's gone. Yeah, it might have been Chernobyl. Anyways, it won some

Academy Awards, I think. Following a months-long investigation, local and federal officials uncovered a secret biotech lab linked to China with nearly a thousand mice and 20 potential infectious agents. Folks,

I'm not talking, you know where it was? In California, under an overpass, wasn't it? Was it California? Or am I making that up? Do you believe that shit? What the hell's going on out here? I don't know, Vince. Yeah, that building doesn't look suspicious.

What, are you shitting me? Fresno County authorities discovered an unlicensed laboratory inside a warehouse in Reedley. Never heard of it. Reedley, California. The secret probably up by Sacramento. By the way, Cher used to live on the top floor of this, they said. Things weren't going.

The secret lab was owned by Prestige Biotech, a company registered in Vegas, Nevada. Prestige Biotech claimed it moved assets to the warehouse from the now-defunct Universal Meditech Inc. On March 3rd, a code enforcement officer reportedly noticed a garden hose attached and coming out of a wall in the back of the warehouse. Somebody's at least paying attention. I wouldn't have noticed that.

I would have probably tried to get a drink out of it and then died of some type of nuclear juice. Readley City Manager, oh, Nicole Ziba, that explains that. There she is. It's a nice look. What are you, anyways. Nicole Ziba said, frankly,

we knew that should not have been there. And when she went to investigate, she found that there were there was activity or something happening within that building. Could you get more broad? Did you? You found out something was going on in the building? Did you? You found out something was going on in the building? The Fresno County Public Health Department obtained search warrants and made the shocking discovery on March 16th. Certain rooms of the warehouse were found to contain several vessels of liquid, and I'm not talking about my ball sack, Jim.

There it is. That's what they found in this warehouse. That looks like Hunter's refrigerator to me downstairs where he keeps the stash. Anyways, hundreds of vessels of liquid in a thing of a two-year-old half and half. That was the most dangerous. No. In various apparatus, court documents stated, Fresno County public health staff also observed blood tissue and other bodily fluid samples. Bodily fluid samples? What the fuck's going on in there? Is this a whorehouse or a Chinese lab?

And serums. I love serums. You ever have the boysenberry at the shithole? What are they called? And thousands of vials of unlabeled fluids and suspected biological material. Fresno County Public Health Department Assistant Director Joe Prado. Very good. So he says, so there was over 800 different chemicals on site in different bottles of

different acids. Unfortunately, a lot of these are being categorized under unknown chemicals. I don't know nothing about that. Can you fucking imagine? Did I make up the Chinese part? They said it's... It'll mention it later, won't it?

I'm still waiting for the... It probably said it in a headline. I didn't make that up, folks. We know, because they also found like two tons of chicken and broccoli that was spoiled. What? Will you stop? I didn't make that up folks we know because they also found like two tons of chicken and broccoli that was spoiled what will you stop I can't think darling I Pratt pride Oh up Rado added there was some 1,000 laboratory mice on

site at this location look at that one stretching out, ready to have its ass filled with some type of chloride. What we heard from the business owner was that they were doing some type of testing. First of all, who was the business owner? Get a little more specific, you fuck. Did she have tiny little feet that were some type of testing with those mice to see whether or not their COVID test kits were actually effective in detecting COVID. So that was one example of what they shared with the purpose of the laboratory mice, what the purpose of mice were on site. The Centers for Disease Control, why we even still quote them about anything, but even those nitwits, the CDC and prevention, conducted tests and discovered that the laboratory contained at least 20 potentially infectious agents. I'm not talking FBI, including coronavirus, HIV, hepatitis, and herpes. Those are all things, by the way, that we've cured or have cures for.

and herpes. Those are all things, by the way, that we've cured or have cures for. The only reason you'd have them around is to put them out in the air maybe eventually. That'd be the worst. We all get herpes. I'll take the hepatitis, but I don't want a bubble on my lip. I've been through that shit. Hepatitis, herpes, according to Health and Human Services, that letter was dated on June 6th of this year. Citing court documents, there were 20, letter was dated on June 6th of this year, citing court documents, there were 20, 20 potentially infectious viral bacterial and parasitic agents were present, including E. coli. Didn't you go to the army with E. coli, were you? Oh, it was high school. That's right. E. coli. Malaria and even COVID. Officials say that all hazardous materials, guess what? They were removed from the warehouse by July 7th. But I'm telling you, folks, it said in the headline there was a Chinese connection.

How I edited the story and left that out is beyond my fucking comprehension. You know how I feel about those filthy people. So that's just a warehouse sitting somewhere with a hose coming out of it, and they find all that shit in there. Why would you... It's not even... Did you see it? It's a warehouse.

It's not... In the middle of nowhere. Whoever heard of Readly, California? I haven't even played that doing comedy in 30 years. That's how you know it's way the fuck off the map. So the Chinese are setting up shop here. Well, they have a secret, remember we covered

the secret police station in New York, in Chinatown or whatever. They have a secret police, you know. I'll say it again, I'm 61, never been happier.

Hey, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show. Everyone else go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show, Steven Crowder's full show, and a whole bunch more. It'll be the best dollars you ever spent. Trust me. guitar solo Outro Music