The Nick DiPaolo Show - BB: It's Time For War | Nick Di Paolo Show #1475

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Woke witchery and more! Support the show & download the DraftKings Sportsbook app. New customers can bet just $5 & take home $200 instantly in bonus bets. Use code NICKDIP to sign up! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com

🎵 Happy Halloween, everybody. Welcome to the show. How you is? Don't adjust your computers. This is what they call Halloween lighting. Look at this. What did I tell you about our Renaissance man who sings, dances, fucking makes banana leaf dishes? He carved that fucker out this morning while he was showering

and making his wife a sandwich. Let me tell you something. That's the effort you put into a marriage. But I told him, wait about a year. You're going to be in the car. You're going to rifle through her purse and find her best friend's phone number while she's changing a flat tire in the rain.

That was one of my bits about when you first start dating a person. I go, you open the doors for them. This doesn't apply to you being married, but I'm talking about dating. I go, you know, you pull out the chair, you open doors for them. I go, six months, fast forward six months, you're in the front seat of her car rifling through her purse looking for her hot girlfriend's phone number as she's trying to change a're in the front seat of her car, rifling through her purse, looking for her hot girlfriend's phone number as she's trying to

change a flat in the room. I'll tell you, ton of laughs. Fuck off. Oh, it's so great. Isn't it fun to be, you know, Halloween? Everybody, especially here in Savannah, folks, it's a haunted fucking town. Why don't I start the clock?

Charles Nelson Reilly. Anyhow. What? Real quick. Fucking, I was bragging about the Diamondbacks, so they lost last night. Two to one. But that's going seven. I don't care what anybody says.

And that goddamn Corey Seager, is that his name? The fucking shortstop. He's the best baseball player on the planet right now. That guy defensively hit another home a lot. That and the Garcia, that black dude, threw somebody out at the plate. Anyways, enough of that shit, folks. Show the clip. I like to show clips that I like to start the day on a high note. Here's a clip of a

young person of color shoplifting and getting what he fucking deserves. La, la, la, la, la. Get out. I'm not doing nothing. Man, get out.

Get out, man. I'm getting the fuck out of here. Kid in a white hat, shoplifter. And here comes somebody to throw something at him. Up Gilligan! You got knocked the fuck out, man! Doesn't that make you hard? Huh?

Nice form, too, on that. What the hell? I don't know if he threw a box of Triscuits. Well, they had to be stale, Tanagama. Or a toaster oven. I don't know what the fuck he threw at him. Clang peaches and heavy syrup.

Wasn't that great, folks? Doesn't that make your friggin' day? Life should be just like that. You know what I'm saying? That's called justice. I'm sure he's not dead. He just won't do it at that store. It's not going to stop him. Anyhow, let's get to the top story that's sort of related to Halloween. Which one is which? That's W-I-T-C-H. Like your mom. I say that because my mother grew up in Salem, Massachusetts.

She's not a witch, by the way. Bitch? No. She's a sweetie. In 1648, Margaret Jones, a midwife. What the fuck is a midwife? I always wanted one of those. They help with childbirth. Yeah, that's it though?

What a dumb name. How about the fucking snatch helper? Whatever. Speaking of that, Joe List had a baby. Well, his wife had the baby last night. Joe, I said, he said, yeah,

she wasn't supposed to have it. He did a cannonball off the couch, landed on her belly, and the thing landed in a plotted plant. Hey, Margaret Jones, 1648, midwife, baby snatcher, became the first person in Massachusetts, the second in New England, to be executed for witchcraft. You know, if the left had their ways, they'd be doing that to maggots. Decades before the infamous Salem witch trials.

So they did this bitch in. You fucking whore. Yeah, that's it. Go home. Get my dinner ready. You midwife. Nearly four centuries later, that will be today. This is why Massachusetts is a state of assholes.

And I say that with a lot of pain in my heart because it's my hometown. The state and region are still working to come to grips with the scope of its witch tribe legacy. The latest effort comes from a group dedicated to clearing the names of all those accused, arrested, or indicted for witchcraft in Massachusetts, whether or not the accusations ended in a hanging or not.

Got enough free time on your hands, Massachusetts? Can you fucking imagine? These are adults. Can you imagine? Yet if that was a MAGA hat, they'd fucking hang them to... Listen to what the jerk-off says, and I quote, it's important that we correct the injustices of the past, said Josh Hutchinson with his dick in his hand,

the group's leader, who noted, he counts both accusers and victims among his ancestors. We'd like an apology for all the accused or indicted or arrested. Yeah, well, don't hold your breath, Titlis Wonder. Can you fucking imagine, you child? I wonder how he voted. For now, the group has been collecting signatures for a petition, but hopes to take their case

to the State House. Boy, I wish I lived there just so you could knock on my door and I could hawk a big six-pound Louie right in your mouth. I am sure Widow Krieger, that's the midwife, I guess, would have been quite happy to join our witch's walk today in the defiance, what's Pelosi doing here? All right, in the defiance of those who feel they have the right to accuse someone they feel looks different, acts different, or has a personality that they might find odd of, you know, being a witch, said Joyce Held, a member of the Pownall Historical Society, which worked with Bennington Museum to get the marker. Oh, my God.

Oh, fucking idiot. Oh my God. I don't even know what to say. How much time do you have on your hands, you petty? Fucking, and do you notice how they go? If they look different, you know who they're talking about. So that's directed at white bigots. That's, they hide it though because they're chicken shit.

Mother of God, help us. Anyways, probably the roughest doctor show I've had in years. What the fuck's going on here? Let's go, let's look at some Halloween shit. Oh,

God, my yard made the paper here in Savannah. The little square, the top one, that's the yard. I'll show you what they were focusing in on. Yeah, might as well show them right now. Go ahead. go ahead those kids have leprosy and a broken foot this is the one that puts the chills up my ass

tell me her dad didn't touch her with a millilite bottle This is the one that puts the chills up my ass. Tell me her dad didn't touch her with a Miller Lite bottle. People are stopping. Me and my wife are like in shock because we're on a nice main drag. That's why. Because, you know, there's streets and neighborhoods behind me that have shit like $5,000 more stuff. And there's people getting out taking pictures. I go, it's Savannah. Savannah?

Oh, God. We've got to start over. What the fuck is the matter with me? I got some pictures of me from past Halloween in there, right? Oh, that's the most recent one. You can't really. You can okay. The most recent one. Oh, that's the most recent one. You can't really... You can't... Oh, you can.

That's me and my wife this morning in our kitchen. This is what we do. No, every morning. No, that... What the hell is going on? You know, I fucking hate the way you make me fucking ride you. Now get the fuck out of here. That's me fucking the...

Oh, my God. Come back here. What? I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you.

I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you. I was shaving my goatee. That was fucking 10 years ago. And I, you know, and I went, oh, God, because my hair was like Hitler's. So I said, let me leave this. Go downstairs. I think the wife would laugh.

And she goes, you want coffee? What the fuck? You want coffee? What else? We have a picture from one of our followers on Mug Club. OK. Yeah. What's it say? Queers for

Palestine. And that's probably real. Right? No, seriously. It could be. I mean, because there is a group called Queers for Palestine on a college campus. In other words, they're promoting their own death. It's like black people with a sickle cell.

You know what I mean? It's fucking insane. Anything else? Good. Enough of that shit. Happy Halloween, everybody. Look, that's my fucking favorite. That hurt.

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21 plus age varies by jurisdiction, void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. See sportsbook.draftkings.com slash basketball terms for eligibility and deposit restrictions terms and responsible gaming resources we thank draft kings for sponsoring the show i believe we're at about the 10 minute mark right uh and the second half of the show ladies and gentlemen i'm going to be talking about why uh professors at columbia should be taken out and stoned to death, in my opinion, or fired, or whatever. And also a horrible hockey accident that happened in the UK. A guy actually died on the ice, played in the NHL for a couple years for Pittsburgh, I believe. He got his neck slashed, and there's a big controversy about it.

And I'll weigh in on that if we have time, okay? All that's exclusively on Mug Club, so join now to get it at nickdip.com. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much.

See you soon. Cease fire my ass. Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, in no uncertain terms, Monday, why do you have to say certain terms, said Israel will not oblige calls for a cease fire as it takes on Hamas. Why anybody would ask him to do that is beyond me, Joe. Meanwhile, Ori Megadish, a young female IDF soldier, that's Israeli Defense Forces, was reunited with her family Monday, three weeks after being kidnapped by Hamas terrorists on October 7th, the IDF said. And if you listen to the media, some of the, again, the wording on this, they go, she was freed.

Right away, I go, freed or rescued? See, big difference, right? And she was rescued. Did I skip the video? No, that's right. All right. But private Megadish was released during, not released, again, rescued, during expanding ground operations in Gaza, the Israeli military said on X,

here's Netanyahu basically letting Biden and everybody else who's telling him to take his foot off the gas to kiss his ass. I want to make clear Israel's position regarding the ceasefire. Just as the United States would not agree to a ceasefire after the bombing of Pearl Harbor or after the terrorist attack of 9-11, Israel will not agree to a cessation of hostilities with Hamas after the horrific attacks of October 7th. Calls for a ceasefire are calls for Israel

to surrender to Hamas, to surrender to terrorism, to surrender to barbarism. That will not happen. Ladies and gentlemen, the Bible says that there is a time for peace and a time for war. This is a time for war. Do you want to go to war? Come on. Do you want to go to war? We'll take you to war, okay? Tony. That's the Hispanic Netanyahu. He said, excuse me, mother of God. This is a turning point, Netanyahu said, during the roughly six-minute part of his address given in English, a turning point for leaders and nations.

It is a time for all of us to decide if we are willing to fight for a future of hope and promise or surrender to tyranny and terrorism And that's the same message here folks Okay, now rest assured Israel will fight he said since October 7th Israel has been at war Israel did not start this war. Israel did not want this war, but Israel will win this war. I love it. That they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom. I thought I heard Pelosi in the background. Earlier Monday, Shani Luke, this was so fucking sad, the young German-Israeli tattoo artist who was paraded through the streets of Gaza

after being kidnapped by Hamas on October 7th has been found dead after sadistic terrorists chopped off her head, Israel's president. And again, you say that to anybody who's defending Palestine, whatever the fuck, they'll say that's propaganda. That's all they got. They're like three old kids.

Meanwhile, there's footage of her on the back of that truck, dead, and her legs are all bent in a weird position. Even her arm, I noticed. President Isaac Herzog told a German newspaper, Bill, also a Pentagon senior defense official revealed in a briefing Monday that U.S. military and coalition forces have been attacked at least 23 times in Iraq and Syria during the past weeks, but that those attacks were mostly unsuccessful. And you know Joe's going, look, I got business with the Iranians.

But you know, he's not saying the same thing privately as he is in public. Fuck Joe Biden! It's all on him, but fuck the Democrats. And fucking jerk off Obama with his Iranian deal and the depths of their hatred for our country is fucking, to me, astounding. Hey, you know what I'm

in the mood for? A word salad. Oh, yum. As far as salad goes, I'm going to be in the mood for salad. But what I am, I'm like a fucking 400-pound silverback ape in the... White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who checked all the boxes to work, there she is, the dumb fucking muffin head, gave a word salad response to Fox News White House correspondent, the only one asking any questions

of any meaning since Biden took office, Peter Doocy, on Monday after he questioned whether President Joe Biden considers anti-Israel protesters in this country to be extremists. It's a fucking great question. Let's listen to her word, Sally. Thank you, Corrine. Does President Biden think the anti-Israel protesters in this country are extremists? What I can say is what we've been very clear about this. When it comes to anti-Semitism, there is no place. We have to make sure that we speak against it very loud and be very clear about that. Remember, what the president decided, when the president decided to run for president

is what he saw in Charlottesville in 2017. He saw neo-Nazis marching down the streets of Charlottesville with vile, anti-Semitic just hatred. And he was very clear then and he's very clear now. All right, kill it. And he was very clear then, and he's very clear now. All right, kill it. Comparing that one-off, that redneck whatever the fuck,

comparing that to every campus in this country almost, infiltrated clearly by people who are defending people who are burning babies, chopping heads off, and it's all real. And they're comparing that to a fucking crazy redneck who ran over somebody. Just think about that for a second. It's fucking mind-blowing to me.

And if I hear one more Democrat go, we have to save our democracy, are you sucking my pee-pee? Saving our democracy, calling white people terrorists, fucking shutting down free speech, not letting parents have a say in how the kids learn about stuff. Yeah, that's a good democracy. May the sickle. Anyways.

Nick, calm down I can't help it I can't It's infuriating It really is infuriating Hey, for those of you guys on Mug Club Stick around for the second half of the show Could you please?

Everyone else, go to nickdip.com And join to get my full show Steven Crowder's full show Which which is worth it right there. But you get a whole lot more. The Hodge twins. You got Brian Callen. Alex Jones on Fridays. I think that's it.

Lucille Ball, we got her signed up. You got a big mouth on her. guitar solo Bye.