The Nick DiPaolo Show - Biden Admin Pure Evil | Nick Di Paolo Show #1301

Episode Date: November 3, 2022

Biden Projects More Marxism. Obama Projects More Marxism. Marxist Chef Dead. MMA Fighter "Food" Poisoned in Russia. Brady & Gisele Update. Cornhole Scandal.

Ladies and gentlemen, please take a moment, share today's show with someone who appreciates free speech, an acid tongue, and some great comedy. I appreciate it. Thank you. I'm going proud of you. Now go home and get your fucking shine box. Fucking asshole, Bob. What great shows he has. Even that old one.

What happened? Oh. Oh, I thought you said. Nothing. I was thinking that's a great back-to-back sound. Oh. Stand by, Jerry. I thought something said. Nothing. I was thinking that's a great back-to-back sound. Oh. Stand by, Jerry. I thought something happened.

Yeah. Bob Newhart. Boy, he's got to be up there. Won't be long now. I hate when guys like that. Guys, I like them. Anyways, how you doing, folks? Anybody baseball fans?

Is this still America? Are you watching soccer? They try to push that down your throat during an NFL game. You fucking people have no idea how to defend the nation. And it's not with soccer. Anyhow, World Series last night. The night before the Phillies hit five homers, win 7-0. I'm like, no one's going to stop this offense.

Holy shit. I sat down last night and saw the scariest pitching performance. I knew the Astros were deep in the bullpen. What? What do they have? It reminds me of a clown car that pulls up in like a thousand. You know what I mean? Their bullpen.

I swear there's a backdoor to a ship the Dominicans pull up. These big Hispanic dudes come in throwing flames, and they get movement on the ball in it. They can hit this spot. But the guy who started, Javier, 25 years old, six no-hit innings in a World Series. And I know you want to save your bullpen and shit. I would have let him go until they started smacking him a little bit. Then again, it was a score at that.

But no, they were up a few runs. Yeah, I would have loved it. But these guys, dude, I know they're deep, and so are the Phillies. They're nothing to sneeze at. They're bullpen either. But I'm just saying, a no-hitter, folks, combined with four pitches. Last time was Don Larson's perfect game, I think, in 1956, was it? Something like that.

But that's crazy in a World Series. And this is a lethal offense. The Phillies, they've found their groove offensive. I'm like, this is, but holy moly, this could be a real good one. Tonight, I have no idea what to expect. Probably 14 to 14. That'll be the final score. Anyhow, let's move to the show I guess I've killed enough time am I almost done

it's my last free weekend before I get in a car next week and drive around like fucking Lewis and Clark

with my opener down in Florida I'll have fun kid smokes a lot of weed Josh Kincaid funny funny dude let's do what we got to do here.

Desperate douchebag, who am I talking about? Who else? The president of the United States, supposedly. Did you see the speech last night? I watched a couple minutes of it, and I had to change the channel because my blood pressure, it's getting creepy out there. President Joe Biden, who's not the president never was again not my president again warned on wednesday of republicans i'll repeat that

look at him he's turning into jeff dunham and peanut the old guy that's him blowing somebody in ukraine uh anyways he won uh wednesday of of Republicans taking power in the midterm elections, arguing, listen to this, the very soul of America is in danger if the Republicans take control. Will you shut up? Will you? Will you please shut up? Will you shut up? He's right. The very soul of, you know, America or democracy, whatever, is at stake because of you and whoever's handling you,

your left-wing minions. Nothing to do with the Republicans, even though by their lack of response to your horseshit makes them just as complicit. I got to... I don't. I just call myself a Republican because I'm not a Democrat,

but that's embarrassing, too. I'm going to have to go with that. What are my choices? Eagle Scout? Libertarian? Fucking dickweed? Part of the dickweed party. Anyways, yeah, the very soul of a...

First of all, you don't have a soul, and the Democrats certainly don't. That's what... It's maddening. I can't scream at him. We can't yell at him because he's just reading the teleprompter. I know that makes him evil, but he doesn't know what he's doing. I swear on my mother.

Anyways, we the people... This is dickhead saying. We the people must decide whether the rule of law will prevail or whether we will allow the dark forces and thirst for power who who who am i describing right now the republicans or him and the democrat the thirst for power put ahead of the principles that have long guided us like what shutting down free speech sending theending the IRS after people? Arming the IRS? What are you fucking talking about?

You guys are the dark force. Canceling people's careers? Putting people in jail for January 6th who didn't do anything? Are you fucking kidding me? Biden said during a speech delivered inside Union Station used to be a beautiful place

until this jerk off came apparently he's like homeless shitting and pissing and you know they had to kick them out I'm sure three hours of cleanup before this video uh I could only watch a couple it was just he's saying exactly what a Republican should be saying about him and the Democrats. It's creepy because that's what they do. They project exactly what they're doing on you. It's so tried and true. You know that's their cynicism about the average American is just disgusting. Listen to Dinkweed.

Just a few days ago, a little before 2.30 a.m. in the morning, a man smashed the back windows and broke into the home of the Speaker of the House of Representatives, the third highest ranking official in America. Yeah, we know what it is, cuntface. He carried in his backpack zip ties, duct tape, rope, and a hammer. As he told the police, he'd come looking for Nancy Pelosi. Listen to this. To take her hostage.

Pause. Take her hostage. He didn't say that, by the way. Take her hostage. He just threw it out. Do you believe they're falling on this? Do you understand how desperate they are? And again, we talked about the jerk-off who broke into Pelosi's house, Berkeley, California.

Used to make hemp jewelry, you know, Berkeley hemp jewelry, nudist, you know, a real MAGA guy. Oh my, how fucking desperate are you people? It is beyond, I'm saying, and I've been saying red tsunami, and I still stand by that. Unless, well, later on, he's going to get to it. He's going to prime you. Please watch Tucker Carlson's first 10 minutes last night. You'll fucking, your hair will go cuckoo. Anyways, back to Dinkweed. To interrogate her, to threaten to break her kneecaps.

But she wasn't there. Her husband, my friend Paul Pelosi, was home alone. The assailant tried to take Paul hostage. He woke him up. He wanted to tie him up. The assailant ended up using a hammer to smash Paul's skull. Thankfully, by the grace of God, Paul survived. All this happened after the assault. And it just, it's hard to even say. Uh-oh, he's confused right now. It's hard to even say.

He's buying time. Get the teleprompter. Where's Nancy? She's in a basement. Where's Nancy? Eating out her sister. Those are the very same words used by the mob when they stormed the united states capitol on january the 6th when they broke windows kicked in the doors i guess i'm ruining this because i just said all

filthy shit you're not gonna be able to use whatever um tie now tying it to January 6th. Those are the same words. Oh my God. You guys are as evil as I... I've never respected anybody like that again, but it's not his doing. Go ahead. Brutally attacked law enforcement. Roamed the corridors.

Hunting for officials. And erected gallows. Nobody died on January 6th. Nobody, no, a cop had a heart attack. Nobody killed a cop is what I'm saying. Total bullshit. They've been repeating that for two years now, whatever the fuck a year.

They've been repeating that. Just lying about it. And do you know there's hours and hours of video that they won't release about January 6th? Do you know that? They're creepy. Go ahead, freak face. Hang the former vice president, Mike Pence. It was an enraged mob that had been whipped

up into a frenzy by a president repeating over and over again the big lie that the election of 2020 had been stolen. You're lying. And you're a piece of shit. You fucking hypocrite. Un-fucking-real. Somebody I loved. We have to find out who's right in this.

They are just hell-bent on. You got to give them that much. They got both feet on the Marxist gas pedal. Trying to tie January 6th to this nutbag, trying to tie the Republican party to... You think they're desperate at all? It's going to be worse than you think, Joe. And how is there going to be anything left

of this shit party? Let's take another listen to another clip, I think, right? This is clip number two. Let's see what Dinkweed has to say here. Maybe I won't get so filthy and you can use it. Go ahead. Democracy is in the ballot for all of us.

You must remember that democracy is a covenant. You're a covenant. We need to start looking out for each other again. Pause. We have to start looking out for each other again. This is the guy who's been calling people that don't agree with him politically

homegrown terrorists, Nazis, a threat to democracy. But we have to work together. Has anybody done more to divide us than this asshole and his administration? But we have to hear.

You're the open sword, dude. As soon as you're gone and your party's gone, we will. If elections are real. I don't even know what to believe anymore. Go ahead, Stinky. We need to be ourselves as we the people, not as entrenched enemies. This is a choice we can make. you already made it stupid you called all us on the right nazis and domestic terrorists and you wanted to us to rat out our neighbors and stuff you've done everything you can to separate us. Who are you kidding? Or whoever's writing it,

please, somebody let me know. I just want to send them an email, a strongly worded letter. Disunion and chaos are not inevitable. There's been anger before in America. Not inevitable. There's been anger before in America. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was called riots for two years. Real anger, a real threat to democracy, real homegrown terrorism, burning down buildings, billions of dollars worth, not to mention COVID, shutting down businesses that never recovered. How dare you, you rotten fella? Is that it? Sorry for the strong language folks. Now that you can use. Boy, I look like I'm a hundred.

Anyways, back to the show. I think it's falling on deaf ears. People are, I'm telling you, when they label those, when those moms showed up at those school board meetings, and they labeled them homegrown terrorists, and remember how fucking, what assholes the school board was? I don't think, moms don't forget is what I'm trying to say. That's my mother. Drove by the house twice last night with a gun. I don't know what she's doing down here. I think she's dating one of the Savannah Bananas.

Get it, folks? Nice dirty joke about my mom. What? Anyways, yeah, that's about as much as I could stomach, but I did listen to, I was listening to Glenn Beck on the way here, and he was saying, and part of the speech,

Biden actually said this about, we can't worry about petty things like gas prices. What the fuck? What? That's projection. It's classic projection. They are just telling you what they're doing, but they're saying you're doing it.

Nothing can save you people. I'm sorry. I'm'm sorry. I'm not sorry. How that party's going to exist after, I don't know. Here's my only, oh, I didn't tell you the most important part, which I should have pulled that clip. He's, he, at the, near the end of the speech, or he's telling you to trust the election results.

And it may take a few days. You have to be, he's priming the pump for shenanigans. And do you think after, you know, Trump and whatever, people question the election, the presidential election, you think the Dems aren't going to do that, no matter how one-sided it is? Get ready, folks. It's going to last forever. It's just going to divide us further.

Even if they get swamped, they're going to make up shit. You're not going to know the results of Pennsylvania until freaking February. It's going to, honestly, they're already planning it. You really think they're going to? And it's going to be, it should be a tsunami, but we're never going to know. And you know who else is behind it? This Mama Luke, I think. A big Obama. We transition to the second story. Former President Barack Obama, terrific president, really loves America and did a lot to help us heal racially, said a guy with a tongue in his mouth. I mean, his cheek or his ass. What? Cut. Obama wants to save Democrats. That's how desperate they are. They bring Obama back into the fold,

who lost the most seats in the House ever, wasn't it, by a Democrat president over 50-something seats. And that's who they're counting on. He's here to save Democrats from a crushing midterm defeat by appearing on TikTok, which is good. The Chinese people go, look, we got the former president. We're going to know. With some painfully nerdy dad jokes, critics said on Wednesday, that's the worst you can come up with? Uncle Ben seen here talking to

his gay nephew. Listen, you can cook real rice. I don't know what this kid is, what this guy, I don't know what that is. I don't know if that's a girl, a guy, Groucho Marx's fucking great-great-granddaughter. Have you guys found yourself saying that when you're sitting on the couch with your wife or girlfriend going, is that a guy or a girl? Because they slip one in to every commercial now, if not right out in the open. Because, you know, again, there's 11 of them. It's like seeing a fucking pink unicorn. But you'd think the whole world was pink unicorns.

I don't know what this thing is. Let me just say this. I like to eat pussy and suck a dick. It's the silliest thing I've ever heard. How many kids you got? 12. Why do you got 12 kids? Well, I love my husband.

Well, I love my cigar, but I take it out once in a while. That was fucking groucho. Anyways, nice how to hear you, Mama Luke. Let's listen. I don't know what it is, so I guess... Let's listen to this tremendous comedy routine.

What are you doing under my desk? Well, under the desk is kind of my thing. I mean... Here's the thing. You can stay for now, but routine. In the category of As long as you voted. In the category of supporting actor. Pat. Eh, at least he tried. Whatever. You know, I think he's a hard-core Marxist, and I really think a lot of this is his doing, but I can't prove that.

What do you think, Dallas? You were in the Army. Oh, I was there first time under Bush, second time under Obama, and this dark contrast was palpable and the reason I got out. Well, there's your answer, folks. Again, I still don't know what that thing is under the table, but if I saw it, I'd get a can of Raid and a fucking Bic lighter. Just saying.

But tremendous. Very funny. Obama took to the normally young and hip social media. Is it hip, really? Watching 12-year-old girls fucking, I don't know. I don't know. Do the fucking snow cone challenge? As I'm home doing the Juergens hand lotion challenge.

What? Nick, you can't. I did. Obama took to the normally young and hip social media platform to urge viewers to vote on under the desk news, whatever the fuck that is, which offers Gen Zers quick takes on current events. Because that's what you want, quick takes. You want their attention span, which was already shrunk by 4,000% when MTV came out.

It's down to, I don't know, a nanosecond. You want to shrink it even more when it comes to what's going on in your country and how to vote, right? You want just a quick soundbite that says, Nazi, Republican, yeah. In the sketch, oh, this is a sketch. Yeah, a lot of directing, a lot of, it's a hell of a set you got there. In the host, Vitus Spahar.

Hey, Vitus. Wasn't bad enough you got picked on because of who you were. That name couldn't help you. Vitus Spahar and urges the TikTok star to come out and cast... Oh, he's a TikTok star. I'm not supposed to know who he is. To come out and cast a ballot. And we just showed it, right? It was pretty good.

You got it, but I was laughing. Fucking horrendous. Cancer of the funny bone, Barack. You got climate change legislation on the ballot. You got gun safety. This is Obama, I guess. The sketch went longer than we showed. And when we can elect more pro-choice members of Congress, baby killers,

we can reinstitute Roe versus Wade as the law of the land, because people actually have a craving to kill babies, now that we've taken it away from them. Spahar or Spahar or fucking HeSheItBay then asks, is now a bad time that I voted for the... Look at that picture. I don't know. Again, I think I could hang out with him,

fucking watch hoops or something, but then I'd punch him in the head. You know what I'd do? I'd go, I'll get you more coffee, Mr. President. And I'd go in the kitchen, right? And I'd get one of those 16-ounce dioramas, a big gulp, fill that with piping hot coffee and pour it down his shirt

when he's sitting on the couch. Stephen Miller, a contributing editor at The Spectator. I wonder if that's the one with the rapey eyes. I think so, yeah. It probably is, right? That works for Trump. Joked that the ex-president's performance was so bad it ought to be outlawed. That's real funny, too.

Jesus Christ, what is it? Cantrell, that's the best take? No wonder why the Republicans are fucking getting their asses handed to them. What a comeback. Obama is participating on TikTok, a legitimate national security threat, he wrote. Well, what have you done to get rid of it? Oh, wait a minute, you're not in power. The video had raked in 1.4 million views on TikTok by Wednesday afternoon.

Is that what I got to do? Dallas, come to my house. You can get under the coffee table. We can have a conversation about fucking the next election. Folks, I can't wait. I can't wait to see. I'm actually excited. I'm kind of a politically nerd now,

but I can't wait to see either the results, the tsunami or the lack of a tsunami, and then the investigation after showing how much they cheated or the Democrats, even though it was a slaughter, challenging every race with some bullshit. Can't they tie it up in the courts and... Disexpect the worst, folks.

You don't think it's just going to be, oh, they want to, you know. No. You ain't going to know shit for a long time. Speaking of shit, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It isn't shit. It's good stuff, actually.

Even looks good on those, look at those armless, headless Iraqis I hired. It's yet another way for you to support my show and look good at the same time. You know how much ass I've got wearing that T-shirt without no pants on when I go out to the bars? That was Dallas making some

creepy noise. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials. I think only one because the rest of them digital online. This is the only physical one we have. I don't even remember which one it was. Signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker T-shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on the store button. Again, nickdip.com. Click on the store. Thank you guys so much. Now, here's Bobby

and his sissy. Au revoir, chef. I never knew that was two words. I always thought it was one word. Yeah, au revoir. Oh, chef. I never knew that was two words. I always thought it was one word. Au revoir. Yeah, au revoir. I took Spanish from a gay teacher. Mr. Caladros.

Nicolas, you're not listening. I got 98s every time. 498s, Mr. Caladros. I couldn't say ventana. That's window. Or yellow. Or yellow window. I don't say bentana. That's window. Or yellow. Or yellow window. I don't know.

Julie in Julia Actress, Julie Powell, has made her last plate of escargot. There is Julie. You know, I felt bad when I read the story and stuff like that. And, well, the news covered it. Let's listen to how the news reported it, I guess. Julie Powell, the bestselling author whose story was chronicled in the big screen in Julie and Julia, has died. Powell's husband, Eric Powell, says she died from cardiac arrest last Wednesday at her home in New York. She wrote about her efforts to prepare

every recipe in Julia Child's book, Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Powell's book was turned into the 2009 film, Julie and Julia. What the fuck? I've gone through three Emerald books. Nobody making a movie about it. Anyways, she go bye-bye, and I felt apparently she had a little bit of a heart attack or whatever. Before she died, though, she tweeted out something about her tongue being hairy and black. So I woke up with something that's literally black, with literally black hairy tongue. Probably a cock. Nick, why are you? I'll tell you why. So I woke up with something that's literally black, with literally black hairy tongue. Probably a cock.

Nick, why are you, I'll tell you why. People, including my doctor, seem to think it's a black cock. And it will go away soon. But it certainly is a gross black cock. Nick, why are you being so... Because... What do we got? A clip of her tweets? Let's take a look at what she tweeted. Somebody tweeted to her

that they were pissed because the vaccines weren't killing the right... weren't killing anti-vaxxers. That's what it was. So she said, I would argue that COVID does kill some of the right people.

The anti-vaxxers slash maskers are dying in legions. But yes, it's a real shame about Kavanaugh. She said sarcastic about Kavanaugh being attacked at his house. So Julie, what comes around goes around. You should know that from looking at a Bundt cake pan. Little food humor. I don't want to see you die, honey, but you've got to be careful. Karma, I actually believe in that.

You came around, I bit you there, girl. She was vaxxed, I'm taking from her words. And here's a couple of people that died this week, I think. Right? Within the last week. Who were all vaxxed. And again, perfectly healthy. Her. Cardiologist Lauren Gray Gilstrap.

Dead Kennedy's drummer, D.H. Pelligro. I mean, who can forget him? Schitt's Creek producer, Ben Fagan. I've been fagging it all this time. I never had it. Act. Instead of you doing your dumb laugh, I should be doing this.

He's been fagging it the whole time. Hey, Ed, I'll go home and get your fucking shine box. Schitt's Creek producer Ben Fagan, actor Tim Rothson, Cormac, urban. This is the one that upset me the most. I really enjoyed this guy's work. Urban theorist Mike Davis. really enjoy this guy's work. Urban theorist Mike Davis. And more. Did you know and more? Great. But folks, athletes, high school kid dropped dead. Remember last week I read to it? And I mean, healthy. And again, not sure how they die. what's the cause of death. And there's numbers following this, you realize this, right? It's empirical evidence, you can look it up. Anyways, you're just a, what do you call it,

crazy conspiracy nut, Nick? Mm-hmm, sure. Anyways, let's move on. Speaking of conspiracy, you know, I like the way people die in Russia. Even before COVID came on the scene. All of a sudden, you know, a lot of people, famous, journal, they just go away and shit. They'll have tea at some hotel and next day they're in fucking filled with some type of poison. I think it's Tetley's.

Got to stay with me. Or Earl Grey. Which one? Which is one Putin likes best? Here's the headline. What? Wait, what? Watermelon? Russian MMA star. He's not in the UFC of 33 after reportedly eating a poisoned watermelon, which I don't know about that. In Russia, I think a poisoned watermelon is one that has like two quarts of vodka in it. Ever do that?

You infuse a watermelon with vodka? Look at this poor guy. He died with a hair, the other girl had a hairy tongue. He's got a hairy, um, yeah, come on. Really? Watermelon? Pizarev, who had amassed a professional MMA record of three and two, wow. I've had more fights this week with the wife.

Prior to his passing was found dead and oh yeah but this is my point he looks pretty healthy don't he uh in his Moscow apartment although it's Russia so it might not be apparently by his father on October 30th an unnamed member of the featherweight's tomahawk team told Russian news agency Alexander Pizarroff died in his sleep and did not have any chronic health problems. And again, according to preliminary data, the death was a result of food poisoning. What exactly leads you to believe the Soviets were involved? I don't know.

I always believe that when something happens. Several media outlets, including Pravda, suggest that Pizarro passed away after eating a watermelon along with his... Melling. A watermelon. There he is. He's a pilot on the... For American Airlines, ironically. Here he is, seen with one of the stoatuses. Along with his wife. That's his wife, I guess. Yeah? Cutie pie. Who is understood to have been hospitalized,

although also ate. They also ate other products. So she survived. Igor Vladimirovich. The fight. His father returned to his apartment after walking the family's dog to find that he was no longer breathing.

I looked in the room. Alexander and his wife were sleeping. Well, why are you doing that, creepy? Fuck you, office spooner. That's a little creepy. Trying to get a look at Alexander and his wife were sleeping. Vlada Marovitch is quoted as saying, I came closer, and they say,

get out, and I said, now, and then realized I had no skivvies on. No, realized that my son was no longer breathing. I don't know what you're smiling at, watermelon. Pizarrev, a former Moscow champion in hand-to-hand combat and grappling,

reached the final MMA European championship. Wow, he's pretty good. And fought under promotional banners such as Absolute, I'm guessing that's vodka, Championship, Burkitt, and Fight Nights Global, whatever that shit is. Here his wife trains with, oh, this is, he used to let his wife train with him and they actually ironically use watermelons What check this out? It's kind of bugger Super close right in the kisser show that night who's boss.

Can we see that again? God, it makes me hard. I know this is old, but God, that could have really hurt her. So close. Right in the kisser. Show that knight who's boss. Who's your fucking boss, huh? Who's your fucking boss? You know what's funny?

It looks like her head exploded. I know. You know what I mean? That was like a Kennedy shot. I think she busted her nose and shit. I think I had to, right? Holy fucking, how did that happen? I don't even understand how that happened.

The slingshot went straight out instead of actually launching it, and it flipped and brought the watermelon back with it. It flipped. That's the key right there. Dallas knows that he did that with a guava. A guava? Didn't hurt as bad. No, exactly.

Am I never going to take her head off? That would have been... And the chase of the watermelon, the heads off. Oh, I didn't show you that clip of the dog going down the street in Mexico with a human head in his mouth. Did you see that? Bully in Mexico. Yeah. Exactly. People

still go there. A dog was walking down the street with a fucking human head. And again, it's the internet. It's pixelated. Am I using the internet wrong, folks? I know there's a what is it? Silk Road or whatever where you can see all the dark web shit.

Somebody show me how to do that. I want to see the fucking head. I'm not squeamish. You don't get to see that every day. That's what the internet's for. Imagine a dog was starving. With my extensive

Spanish education, I could actually make out the guy was filming it from the car. I thought a cabeza perro. Perro's dog, right? Cabeza's head. I got those tours. That's a bad day when you go out to get the mail and two hours later

there's a German shepherd walking down the street with your skull. Fucking A. I don't know what's more violent, Mexico or here. Really. Hey guys, make plans to come see me on the road. And here are my upcoming stand-up dates, including next weekend in the state of Florida.

Friday, November 11th, Palm Beach Kennel Club, West Palm Beach, Florida. Saturday, November 12th, Snapper's Comedy Club in Fort Myers, Florida. Sunday, November 13th, Sidesplitters Comedy Club, Tampa. Friday, January 13th and 14th, Comedy Off-Broadway in Lexington, Kentucky. Friday, February 3rd and Saturday the 4th, the Grove Comedy Club in Lowell, Arkansas. And Friday, March 11th and Saturday the 12th, the Comedy Club of Kansas City in KC, Mizzou.

You can get tickets to all these shows at nickdip.comage. Here's the story of a man named Brady who was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had breasts like the supermodel mother. The youngest one did fentanyl. Good night. Tom Brady and Giselle. I usually don't report on this stuff, but it's my boy, Tommy.

And I like that he had an ironclad prenuptial, which is smart. You both got trillions when you meet each other. It's not like they met in a gymnasium mopping. Tom Brady and Giselle Bunchen had an ironclad. I still like Artie Lange's joke about how lucky Tom Brady is. He goes, he's fucking a great-looking guy, best suit quarterback ever, goes down on Gisele Bundchen, finds a Mickey Mantle rookie card and her pussy worth $2 million.

I'm not doing it justice. Bundchen, they had an ironclad prenup which allowed the divorce to be settled swiftly, according to sources. Boy, the lawyers might not like that. While both the gridiron great and the supermodel, I don't know which one's which, are separately incredibly wealthy,

the prenup allowed the swift division of their assets. It was just, you know, that's how it should be done. You're sitting out there and you're trying to, and, and, and. Right down the middle. Yeah, you have half of a, what's the kid's name? A source said there was an ironclad prenup set down before they married in 2009. And the guy said, what are you, crazy? They had two Jew lawyers. They're not going to fuck this up. I thought that quote was horrible. I'm calling the

ADL. They both have their own separate business entities. So the separation of their wealth wasn't that complicated in the end. The only other major factor was dividing up their massive property portfolio. Well, that's a big deal. You just said it wasn't that messy. This is where it gets messy. Tom's upset right here. He just watched game film from last week. He's back on a Patriot show. It is believed Brady, 45 years old, will keep the $17 million mansion. Can you even relate? Currently under construction on the billionaire's bunker, Indian Creek Island in Miami.

This is it right here. Yeah, it's under construction. He's living it like that now, they say. Tough kid. Show them the house on the island. This is in Costa Rica. Look at that. That's their vacation house, by the way. This is in Costa Rica. Look at that. That's their vacation house, by the way.

How do you keep it so clean? Well, you hire 4,000 people to clean it once a week. By the way, Indian Creek Island, Miami, it's nothing but filthy rich. He's a pauper on that island. It's like Oprah and If I Have My Island Right. There's a few of those. Anyways, the one in Indian Creek, Miami,

they bought the property in 2020 and demolished it. The Post reported that ahead of the divorce, the Brazilian bombshell, you don't have to come up with a different phrase every time. I know, I know. Huh? Here she is. You think she's upset. She was actually cutting onions making dinner for Tom

when he drove by with a cheerleader from the Cowboys. I didn't, what? The Brazilian bombshell quietly purchased her home in Miami Beach. A modest, this is funny when I read this, a modest three bedroom, three bathroom pad for 1.25

million. And I went, I went, oh, that's, actually she's got a level head about her. And then I read this. Sources said she'll use this property as an office right now there's 40 people in a tent on West Broadway in New York shitting on each other's chest but I'm not saying she has any obligation but she's using a little three-bedroom house for her office. Think about that. And has also bought, and why? Because she was born with an ass like a nectarine and a face like an angel and a body with Venus with arms. Have you ever seen, also bought another larger home in the area?

Well, she bought, so she bought a larger house next to her little office. Meanwhile, Bulchin 42 will retain the home on the Nicoya Peninsula in Costa Rica, where she regularly vacations with the kids. I know people go there for vacation. Look at that fucker, huh? How's that, brother man? Looks like Italy. Very nice.

Their massive property portfolio also includes a home in the Bahamas, for the love of God. Another at the exclusive Yellowstone Club in Montana. Can I have one, Tom? And a New York City apartment where Bundchen had been staying amid their split. Brady has an estimated net worth, listen to this, up to $333 million. I don't know if that even includes the contract that he's assigned with Fox when he retires to become a broadcaster, which was $370 million. I don't think that's included in it.

He hasn't started yet. Right. I don't think that's included in it. He hasn't started yet. Right. And here's the wife. What's her name? Giselle?

World's highest paid model. You know what she's worth? Her own $400 million fortune. Can you imagine? How are they going to meet new people? I'll ask the question again. I mean, they're not the best looking people. They've got nothing going for them.

You think Tom right now is on Tinder? A bunch of Jets fans are swiping left. Is that what you do? I don't even know how to swipe my balls. After months living apart, last week Brady actually pooped in a paper bag and lit it and threw it on her porch. Come on, Tom. They were wed in 2009, February, in a private ceremony in Santa Monica. Confirmed they were divorced after 13 years of marriage.

Your tears are so yummy. No. Your tears are unfathomable. No. No. Your tears are unfathomable. No. Easy. The supermodel filed for divorce in Glades County, Florida on Friday, and the dissolution of their marriage was immediately finalized. Brady did not contest the filing.

Is that the final story or one more? Got one more. Got one more. Here you go, folks. Fun bags are too small. it's the biggest professional sports scandal you've never heard of we're not talking about the divorce professional cornhole has been rocked by controversy after the top-ranked team was accused of using steroids performance enhancing look at the legs of these kids they are juiced to the backs

uh illegal beanbags at the 2022 american cornhole you gotta come up with a better name for that sport uh league world championships in august i lost a lot of money on these guys i don't know who the fuck what uh real controversial Real controversial. Dubbed a bad gate. I got poison ivy on my balls a couple years ago in New York. That's what the nurses were calling it when they treated me. The now infamous incident began when player Devon Harbaugh, oh my God, a black guy's first name and a white coach's last, complained that rival opponents Mark Richards and Phillip Lopez

were using bags that had nipples on them. What? Cut. No, that were smaller than regulation during the finals. Oh, my God. Which were broadcast live on ESPN. Come on, ESPN. From Rock Hill, South Carolina. Can you imagine?

And South Carolina's like, you couldn't get a more football state than South Carolina. They're doing the fucking cornhole thing. I thought the bags were too thin, said me to my wife before I was slapped. Harbaugh told the Wall Street Journal, and he was right. Officials gathered to inspect

Richards and Lopez's bean bags and confirmed that they were, in fact, not regulation size. The experts held the bags, had the guy turn his head to the left and cough. He's. Problem. You're the fucking problem. What do you mean?

You fucking Dr. White onking jam rag, onking spunk bubble. I'm telling you, H, you keep looking at me, I'm going to put you in the fucking ground. I promise you. Not this time. That was the teams getting into it after the accusation. They're too small, ESPN's cornhole color commentary. Mark Pryor remarked, boy, how'd your journalism degree do for you? That's going to create some drama.

Living life. Yeah, exactly. In response, Lopez and Richards requested that their opponent's bags also be inspected. Their bags, guess what, also found to be not compliant. In response to Baggate, ACL has had to step up its policing. Who's going to watch the border? to step up its policing. Who's going to watch the border?

We've really had to crack down to make sure that all these bags are to spec, Ryder said. Internally, we've had to invest more into our compliance. Our budget's up to $41. I think we're going to have to go having a referee just like any other sport. who gives a fuck what you

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