The Nick DiPaolo Show - Biden: "Armageddon" Too Old | Nick Di Paolo Show #1286

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

On the brink of nuclear war. Twitter backtracks. Man pickpockets dead body. Mother gets kid high. Professor drops science bomb. Jon Stewart takes on AR AG.

If you want to get the Encore Show first notice of tour dates and more, please join my Patreon page and sign up for as little as $3 a month. Visit patreon.com slash the Nick DiPaolo Show to sign up today. I'm free And now... Here it starts! Good to be with you. I don't know why I sound like why I sound like Tom Snyder, the guy that followed Carson's show at like midnight. Good point, sir.

Great show tonight, Ed. Great show. What did you do this weekend other than get pickled, you big fat? I got pickled. You did? You did Lederhosen, didn't you? Oktoberfest? Great show tonight.

Shirley Temple. Well, she used to be a little blonde broad. Now she's a fat old lady. Used to dance with color guys. Barbara Eden. We all love Barbara. How many guys out there have yanked it? Fuck the wives next to you.

Just hold up your hand. That's right. Having a woman like that in a bottle. Holy shit, I'd stick that bottle up my ass. Who's with me? Ed? And Lisa Marie Presley. Talk about a piece of ass.

Mamma mia, puppa dia. And also, joining us on the show, we have an 82-year-old woman from Appleton, Wisconsin. She's 82. Her husband died 10 years ago and she had him stuffed by a taxidermist. He was a black gentleman and she

put him out on the front steps holding a lamp, which I thought was a little racist. We'll get to the bottom of that. That is Margaret Drake from Appleton, Wisconsin. So it should be a great show. Anyways, let's move on. How was your weekend, everybody? These fucking pens, where are they made?

How was your weekend? Good? Good. Again, I almost got to the point, I felt so guilty about laying around. It doesn't help that I have people, you know, fucking upstairs working on a bathroom. My wife's digging my gray oak back by hand. But I'm just, fuck, I can't help it. There were so many good college football games on.

Playoff baseball, which is just as good as anything. I love pitchers' duel. One of them went to the, what, 14th inning with no runs? I don't care. I was hanging on every pitch. That's how you know you're kind of a lazy fuck. Most people would have shut it off. And not to mention

I actually watched the Bruins a couple of that's being really stupid, though. Watching fucking preseason hockey. You must be gay. The opposite of. But there was so much good shit on college football. How did your Auburn Tigers do against Alabama? I don't know the final. Oh, no.

They played Georgia. I mean Georgia. I'm sorry. They are definitely making the case for a head coach firing. What was the final? Wasn't that bad, was it? Yeah, 42 to 10. Like I said, PU.

Same with BC played Clemson, which they beat them a couple years ago when Clemson was, I mean, at the top of their game. So B.C., they do what they always do. They outplayed them in the first half. Even their coach said, yeah, they smacked us around in the first half pretty good. B.C. was physical. They were flattening people. I mean, really, I'm like, hey.

Then they do what they usually do. You got a black receiver, some kid five-star recruit out of wherever down south playing and going up against a cornerback, a white kid from fucking Needham Mass. Who's going to win

in the end? They ended up routing them. God damn it. But they came out for the... Anyways, you guys don't give a fuck. Real quick, I want to talk about the Mets game. What? Yeah. I sort of like to watch the Mets because I lived in Queens and I used to go to Shea Stadium.

Whoop. They got... Fuck it. Let me tell you something. I'm laughing. You remember I came out when the beginning of the baseball i was bragging about the red sox bullpen now i see why i have never seen better pitchers in these playoffs even with the san diego these guys coming nobody's throwing

under 100 their chain their change-ups at literally 90 they can can hit either corners. The ball moves this way like a wiffle ball. One game, the Mets had one hit last night. This guy shut them down. Oh, that's what I wanted to mention. I'm watching the game, and his ears are all greasy. They're glaring right from pitch one. And I'm going, why is his ears look like they were dipped in castor oil? They're shiny.

And it's bugging me, sure enough, about the, I don't know, the fifth, sixth inning when they get no hit, fucking Showalter comes out and says, I want to check. I was belly laughing at home. They came out, and the umps are going, I should have pulled a clip. The umps had to go like this. I was, but I didn't blame Buck Showalter. I go, he's not doing this.

They're all saying he's doing it for, you know, one-upsmanship. And I go, no. I've been asking myself. He's got grease on his ears. And the guy went like this, apparently nothing. And then McCutcheon, who's a baseball player, all-star, he tweets while it's going on, I guarantee that's red hot on his ears. And I'm thinking

the hot sauce? That's what I thought he, because he goes I guarantee it's red hot, this is what pitchers use, even though it burns a lot it keeps them focused or something, I'm paraphrasing but he meant red hot like the bomb you rub but there's a hot sauce called red hot

Anyhow the ump said no, he's got nothing. They checked his gloves. Everything but a stool sample. And he went back to smoking them down. And it was fucking. The relievers, even on the Mets, although they got smacked around. But, oh, my God.

These guys are just insane. Everybody's throwing 101. Sox had one guy, and that was Evaldi, and he couldn't even touch 96 near the end of the season. Anyways, who gives a fuck? Let's get to it. It's Happy Columbus Day. Excuse me.

Tommy, my manager, texts me. He goes, are you doing any episode? And sure enough, as soon as he said that, I went, oh, for the life, I had a choice of not. And I said, boy, you really don't want to do this anymore, do you? It's Columbus Day. And he says, I'm stuck in the house with my kids. I said, well, put them up for adoption.

And he writes right back two seconds, I need the tax break. It's a funny fuck, I gotta give him that much. Anyways, let's do what we always do on Columbus Day. Take a look at Nick DiPaolo with his almost subliminal message on the Sopranos episode that a lot of people weren't crazy about, including myself. We show this every year on Columbus Day.

By the way, we shot this in January, Dallas, at Columbus Park in Newark, New Jersey. It was about seven degrees. I'm not shitting you. I'm standing here with just a cop uniform. I'm waiting for my scene to come up. I'll never forget it. I thought I was going to faint. And yeah, so you guys remember this episode. I wasn't that crazy about it either, but it was funny as far as Tony explaining Columbus to his kid. And, you know, and the stupid critics, they go, he sounded like an eighth grade. He was supposed to. He's a mobster, you fucking.

Critics are so highfalutin that they don't even see the humor and how dumb some of the shit. He goes, I should have pulled the clip. He goes to AJ. He goes, Dad, was it really that bad when Columbus came over here? He goes, remember we went to somewhere in Florida, Palm Beach, Florida. Remember the mosquitoes? It was way worse than that. Imagine some guy sitting home, some critic.

By the way, critics critique because they can't do anything. Going, oh, that was stupid. Fuck off. Anyways, this was stupid. Fuck off. Anyways, this is me. And of course, you know who? Little Stevie Van Zandt. I thought I was good. Go ahead. Well, my fans have seen it, but we got it. It's the best. It was voted the greatest show ever. TV Guide, the Writers Guild. I mean, even Rolling Stone had it as one, number one of the top 100 shows. Go ahead. Fuck it. Even Rolling Stone had it as one, number one in the top 100 shows.

Go ahead. Bug it. That better not be Columbus. Take it down. Take it down. The way our ancestors did. Shut up. Oh, shit, I am, cupcake. I'm not taking anything now.

I'm going to fucking hang you up there. Hey, break it up. Break it up. Pause. Wow, that cop is a piece of ass. Break it up! Break it up! Break it up! Pause! Wow, that cop is a piece of ass. And very young. Hey, hey, we will make arrests! What the fuck is this, Joey?

They get a permit still. Everybody, come on, let's go! Everybody! I'll remember this, Joey. I got that script, I told the I tell this every year, but you guys know all this shit. But when I saw, um, they got a permit, Syl.

That means I'm a dirty cop, I know Syl, and I'm like, ooh, I'm gonna get more episodes. Here I am, talking into a TV screen, 20 years later. TV screen? How about the internet, fuck's sake? Anyhow, again, that episode was one of the funniest. I know what they mean.

It was kind of a, for them, it was kind of light, the content. But Jesus Christ, them talking about, you know, a Columbus, it's fucking priceless. Remember the guys, remember the Indian on the commercial, the litter? Do you guys, a Columbus it's fucking priceless. Remember the guys, remember the Indian on the commercial, the litter? Do you guys, Dallas remembers that too. They throw the litter out and it lands in his foot. He was in the episode. His name's something, Iron Eagle or Iron Eyes

or something. Cody, Iron Eyes, whatever the fuck. But he's in the episode and they're calling him out to be a total fraud. Which he was. The guy was like half Sicilian. Anyhow, happy Columbus Day. And it's not indigenous what the fuck. Boo woo.

Columbus gave us some dirty blankets and I got the shits day. Fuck off. You guys got the casinos like Tony said. Let's get right to it, shall we? Joe has us on the brink. Again, I can't get over how they predicted that Donald Trump would have us on World War III in minutes after becoming president. And he did no such things. Arguably the fucking most anti-war president ever. And then this schmuck this piece of fucking

again it's not even his idea whoever's handling him biden says we are getting close to armageddon or as his handlers would say time for nighty nights joe i put that in there really funny you fucking asshole anyways um yeah so he he was at some private fundraiser. And I got to be honest, he drops this out there. And it's, you know, he's being honest. But he's not being honest. He's being honest because he's being honest like a little kid. When you get old, you say anything.

You know how honesty comes out? You're a fat boy. You don't care. You'll be dead soon. And he knows that. It's the same thing. Like a little kid when you get old you say anything you know how your honesty comes out you're a fat you don't care you'll be dead soon and he knows that it's the same thing like a little kid being honest they don't know any better uh but it made for interesting headlines it got people sweating all over the planet hey here's some videotape of uh whatever we have not faced the prospect of armageddon since kennedy and the cubile Crisis, the president said at a private fundraiser. I don't think there's any such thing as the ability to easily use a tactical nuclear weapon and not end up with Armageddon. You couldn't use your razor and end up, you dummy. Again,

he spilled that out. Did you notice that at the beginning of the clip, what do they show? Show him walking up the stairs? The one time he made it to the top. That's what honestly empty folks. That is not an accident They're reminding you he can still make it upstairs And then he said this which but it's you it's your fault them. You're the fucking problem I'm like fucking dr. Why on King Jam rag our King spunk bubble. I'm telling you H. You keep looking at me I'm gonna put you in a fucking ground. White onking jam rag, onking spunk bubble. I'm telling you, H, you keep looking at me, I'm going to put you in the fucking ground. I promise you. Not this time. What exactly leads you to believe the Soviets were involved?

I don't know. I blame everything on the Soviets. Discussing Russian President Vlad Putin, Biden added, I know fairly well he's not joking when he talks about potential use of tactical nuclear weapons. Do you know he's doing it because he sees that you're a senile old bastard and you're a puppet out there to have, I don't know why, the people, it's kind of ironic because the people that handle Joe Biden, they really want to do what the Russians do. They like this style of government from all I can see. But here's

the spokesman. This guy's another used car salesman. On this week with fucking Mrs. Raddatz, who was born in the early 1700s with her dried up fucking face. Here's Kirby just, you know, doing what he has to do. Go ahead.

So is the president right? Are we facing a potential nuclear Armageddon? She had work done. The president was reflecting the very high stakes that they're in play right now, Martha, when you have a modern nuclear power and the leader of that modern nuclear power willing to use irresponsible rhetoric the way that Mr. Putin has several times in just the last week or two, as well as the high tensions in Ukraine over just the course of the last few days. I don't know what to think. Some people that know a lot go, now he's bluffing.

But I think people might have said that about a lot of people. Or is he just prepping everybody so they can mentally be prepared for when it happens? Mentally be prepared? What are you going to do? Fucking meditate? The more you say stuff like that, the more you just accept it. No question. We're talking about the end of the world.

I don't think anybody gives a shit anymore. Now, that's a valid point. Honest to God, if you saw... I had a great joke in my stand-up act. It was a good joke. People, I hate people who brag that they don't watch TV, they read. You know those people? I go, I fucking do both.

I got a TV guide to prove it. and all those people. I go, I fucking do both. I got a TV guide to prove it. I go, if there's a missile heading towards our country from Russia, I'd rather be sitting on the TV watching CNN than sitting on the toilet reading Charlotte's Web. Killer bit. Got three laughs in 12 years.

You know, Mike Pompeo, who looks like he has AIDS, I don't know how this guy lost so much weight so fast. I can't drop 10. Pompeo reacted to Biden's remarks yesterday on my dream girl. Let's just stare at Shannon for a second. Are you fucking kidding me? Some people go, I don't get it. You don't get it?

Really? What do you got, a big dick in the ass? Are you fucking? She was Miss Florida when she was in her 20s. That's hard to do. By the way, her body's as killer as her face. Do you know that? Look at Pompeo.

He's like, give me some. I know she looks like an astronaut's wife with a haircut, but God, is she fucking my girl. I hope the wife doesn't watch the show, but she knows I love her the most. Okay, let's listen to what Skinny has to say. First of all, those comments were reckless. I think they, even more importantly, they demonstrate maybe one of the greatest foreign policy failures of the last decades,

which was the failure to deter Vladimir Putin in the same way that the Trump administration did for four years. Yes, sir. When you hear a president talking about Armageddon at a random as a random thought just musing at a fundraiser that is a terrible risk to the american people if he truly believes that he ought to be out talking to us in a serious way you are correct sir i guess if you really like i said but he doesn't he doesn't really believe it or maybe whatever let's say he really does believe it but he can't come out because he can't that would involve somebody writing a speech for him and them taking him off his leash he gets loose and shits on the white house lawn you know i mean it's a little more than that if he's in his

like if he's in his 60s or whatever you know i mean Bill Clinton, you ever see? That guy, probably a lot of blow. That guy, I mean, the Rolling Stones couldn't keep up with his schedule. I remember reading, he was like over in frigging, I don't know where he was. He was in Europe for, I don't know for how long. Flies back, gets in at like 10 at night. Goes out and gives a couple more speeches in D.C. I fly home from a gig from Ohio. I'm on the couch for the next week like a bitch.

But I'm just saying, you're not going to, what's he going to do? But again, I think it spilled out because he's so funny. Again, you know why? It was unscripted. That's why they keep him in the closet most of the time. But you know what? Maybe we should hear from him. Because Putin, the cancer thing is what adds a little edge to it. We don't know. He might know he's got a year left.

Let's hope the fuck not. Let's move on to an Internet platform that really, you know, really works hand in hand with the White House and broadcast networks. And I don't. Is it official yet with Elon? Did he fucking sign the thing? I don't know. It's still doing the slow dance. It is. Right. I'll be. I'll know when it's official, when one of my you know, one of my tweets gets more than 11 likes. Anyhow, stick Twitter in the shitter is the headline. Twitter appears to have pulled a PayPal and promptly re- Remember last week we did a thing on PayPal. They pulled the guys because of his politics.

This is what they do now. He's woke. They're going to learn a big lesson. And then they also retracted something they had in their fine print, $2,500 fine for disinformation. Oh, they retracted that too. There you go. And promptly reinstated the post in question after the blowback on social media about the censoring. As of about noon on the East Coast Sunday, the tweet was once again showing up under Florida Surgeon General Dr. Joseph Lattipo's feed. And this guy's

on... This guy's very bright doctor and as Joe Biden would say, he's clean, he's articulate, he's an African-American with a great smile. I mean come on man, it's the American dream. Earlier in the day, we reported that Twitter-censored Florida Surgeon General Dr. Joseph Latipo's tweet about a new COVID vaccine study that, why do they, every time somebody puts something out about COVID that doesn't fit there, you guys, do you see? What are they so afraid of? You ask yourself that? You know a Democratic congressman's daughter this weekend, 17 years old, went to bed on like

a Friday night, never woke up, perfectly healthy. And then I hear him speak, you know, him going, ah, her heart just stopped. It was almost political almost political the way he was we thank you for your well wishes bob bob bob bob doesn't mention that she was vaccinated and and and who else her and another young guy dropped dead i don't know but i'm reading it every week folks i'm not making a up uh covert vaccine study that uh that the public needs to be aware of he said we're talking about the doctor this analysis showed an increased risk of cardiac-related death among men 18 to 39. And he said, we will not be silent on the truth.

I'm loving it. And so have a lot of other doctors know this. It hasn't even been a full 24 hours since a Latipo tweeted it out. And now the tweet was removed and replaced with a message from Twitter that reads, this tweet violated the Twitter rules. That's not even technical. They usually have big words.

A backlink was also provided that reads, learn more, implying that this guy's uneducated. Learn more. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Yep. I learned there was no explanation of why the tweet was removed. Well, why should there be? We're Twitter. Through the backlink said the content may contain, first of all, why don't you circle the word may, contain disputed or misleading information. That may be your opinion, douchebags, but people are entitled to their opinion, especially when they go to medical school and they're, you know, competent doctors. Liar, liar, whore, liar, whore, you know it.

People were furious on Twitter for the big tech censorship of a government official. liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, Rob Reiners of the world. I can never remember the broad on fucking Will and Grace. Ah, Jew broad. Red hair,

good looking. Jew broad. How dare you? I know. Right, Dallas? Right there. Huh? Let's call her stupid bitch. Hey guys, make plans to come and see me and touch me on the road. Who the fuck put Tommy?

That's not right. Here are my upcoming stand-up dates. Friday and November 11th, I'm going to be at the Palm Beach Kennel Club, West Palm Beach, Florida. The next night, November 12th, Snappers Comedy Club. God bless them, Fort Myers. Sunday, November 13th, Sidesplitters Comedy Club in Tampa, Florida. And just added today, really? Friday, February 3rd, and Saturday, February 4th, the Grove Comedy Club in Lowell, Arkansas.

How do I not know about this, Tommy? Surprise! Hey, Tommy? Tommy, I hope you're watching. Theaters! Fucking theaters! I'll be on the phone on the way home. Friday, March 11th and Saturday the 12th,

the Comedy Club of Kansas City. He's fucking, he's just getting lazy. Because I do well. The Kansas City Club is a nice fucking club. But my point is, I'll do two or three shows, right? Play to four or five hundred people when you can find a theater and play one show with five hundred people. Anyways, you can get tickets at my mother's ass.

You can get tickets to all these shows at nickdip.com or call Tommy's house, 1-617-514-4474. God damn it. How dare he? Next headline, dead wrong. A soulless thief, New York. I read story, folks, if you should see, you should see the stories I skip, because I don't want to, I know we try to do a funny show. I can't, the stories, black people, you're scaring the shit out of me. You're taking it to new, and again, Nick not all, but I know, you know who I'm talking about, the thugs on the streets of most major cities. A soulless thief pickpocketed a dead man crushed by a truck in Manhattan

as ghoulish onlookers cheered her on. Oh, it was a female that did it. Video obtained by the New York Post. Can you imagine doing that? That's the guy. They had to pixelate the guy under the tire dead. And this bitch has taken... The woman was recorded

apparently pickpocketing the body of a pedestrian who had been crushed under a tractor trailer in midtown. How does that even fucking happen? And the sickening crime has left police unable to identify him or notify his family of his death because they, obviously his ID was in his wallet and whatnot. But listen to the jerk-offs and you know who they are, cheering on the black woman. I'm guessing, I don't even know the race

of the victim. And you're going to go, well, it doesn't really matter. Nah, if it's white, I'd say there's a better chance you're going to get picked upeted I'm just saying how it is right now in New York it could be wrong doesn't matter you're taking a wallet from a dead guy you how soulless can you get how fucking soulless I'm gonna have another story that's even more soulless and I skipped about 10 of them watch this broad pickpocketing a dead guy I skipped about 10 of them. Watch his broad pickpocketing a dead guy. Yo! Yo, what? I'm black, y'all, and I'm black, y'all, and I'm blacker than black, and I'm black, y'all. You fucking believe that?

Huh? Have we reached the... Not anybody stepping in. First of all, the act itself is depraved. Then filming it, nobody... and cheering on. Can we get any lower as a species? To quote the great Bill Hicks,

as far as the human species, we are a virus with shoes. Video shows the thief wearing white pants and a black jacket, shimmying under the truck toward the dead man and smoothly reaching for his wallet. Giddy onlookers seemingly unbothered by this side of the dead man because they're soulless and always have been but we're all alike inside. Don't worry about it. They egged her on. No they're ignorant. That's ignorant. The devilish crime did succeed in dragging out the tragedy. Without the victim's wallet cops don't know who he is and haven't been able to reach his tragedy. Without the victim's wallet, cops don't know who he is

and haven't been able to reach his family. Who the fuck are you? Are you writing a book? Who the fuck are you? No charges have been filed against the driver. A plea. No? Okay.

How about the woman in the pickpocket? She's on more films than I was on The Sopranos. You can't fucking... Are you even going to try to look for her? Or is Alvin Brad going, shh, leave it alone? Anyways, that's what a police spokesman said as they were eating a donut and belly laughing. I don't fucking know.

You believe that shit? Soulless? Again, all cultures are equal. Don't worry about it. That would have happened when things were good in Manhattan. Okay? So don't just blame it on the times. I'm not kidding you. Some people are just fucking... I'll see if I can top it.

This one doesn't quite top it, but I'd say it's neck and neck. Mother or Motherfucker of the Year is the headline. I like it. I like it. The Antichrist. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood. I like it. The Antichrist.

You got me in a vendetta kind of mood. I guess this is that systemic racism that libs love to talk about that keeps young black people down. Take these two adults out behind the shed here. Put them down like the rabbit animals that they are. What do they do? Well, babysitting lesbian couple age 18 and 21, look at these two, who film themselves encouraging two toddlers, when I say toddlers, I mean literally

a diapers, and a baby to smoke marijuana. Now, this happened a few years ago, but they're getting jailed for it now, I guess. And look at that couple. Does that not say society rot? Is that not the definition of a society rotting from the inside out? How much bigger of a fucking loser can you be? How much bigger? Well, watch what they do. Watch them playing with the kids here.

I think you'll see. Come on, little baby. Come on, little baby. Come on, baby. Yeah. Don't put them in jail. Seriously, quietly disappear them from the planet. Quietly. Cops, you don't know how to do this shit anymore?

You accidentally go, they broke out there? No, they got away. You're at the bottom of the river somewhere. Look at this fucking mess. I'd like to know her family history. But you know, the nuclear family has to be broken up.

Can you fucking imagine? And you wonder why those kids, you know, by third grade, they'll be fucking carjacking people. But, you know, it's white systemic racism. That's the problem. That's what's keeping them down. Not these fucking animal adults.

Oh, I'm telling you, it's more than I can handle. I mean, when I was a kid, they gave me red wine. That's what Italians do. Literally, in Italy, they give you, you know what? It's healthy. Look, sure I beat my niece to a pulp with a stale piece of Italian bread. Hey folks,

this show is entirely supported by you and a couple of gay broads torturing kids. Thank you to those who joined on Patreon in the past week and those who made contributions. Please continue to do so. And I'll promise to wear a short skirt to work next week. Keep working to spread honest and direct comedy and commentary through my show. You can contribute at nickdip.com and I'll read your

name on the show. Thank you guys in advance so very, very much. Let's move on to Generation Jerkoff, as the New Yorkers say. Maine University, excuse me, an alumni right here. This is Southern Maine. There's like four of them. I went to the, naturally, I went to the main campus in Orono. Someday, if you guys are good, I'll bring in a calendar. They did mainly men when I was up there. Dallas, relax. Dallas is going to torture me. Hey, guess who made the cover? They never saw a good-looking Italian up in Maine.

I'm on the cover of the Voight-Beater. And that was the month of January, too. Please bring that in. I'm going to bring it in. I ain't ashamed of it. Oh, yeah, that really hurt in the pussy department. I had that thing on a sandwich board walking around the campus. Mainly men.

I remember going to practice that day going, I am going to get fucking tortured. I wasn't even two feet into the locker room. Somebody shoved it in my face. But luckily there were, like, like two other guys football plays on it Saved my ass Anyways generation jerk off Maine University. This is southern Maine in Portland I think in an uproar after professor. Oh, I can't believe professor said this this is outrageous and sis. There are only two sexes

Holy shit, stop the presses in the world from spinning Not two genders. He said two sexes. And the place goes wild. What's the clip of? One of the Fox News. Oh, yeah. Fox News. Okay, here we go. Let's take a look. Get this. There are only two sexes. You liar!

The comment made by education professor Christy Hammer She's neither one! made the students so upset that 21 out of 22 walked out. Now the university is suggesting creating an alternative course section where students can avoid this type of offensive opinion. It's just so ridiculous! Let's go back to the Putin nuclear thing. I think I'm okay with it now.

I'm like, what are you saying? Yeah, no, I know. It's not, hey, shut the fuck up, get back in class. It's like, okay, you know what we'll do? We'll find you something where your feelings won't be hurt. How did we get there?

That's the administration talking. I mean, we know the fucking person that had the 21 kids. Who cares? They're fucking losers. They always will be. I don't give a fuck. We know that's expected today out of that generation. But for you jerk-off adults to pander to them and cater to their needs and go, you know what? You're right. We'll make another class. Are you shitting me? Are you frigging shitting me? Education professor Christy Hammer, that's a great name for a linebacker. Oh, it is a linebacker. Look at Christy Hammer go. That's about the hottest chick in Maine, no offense, back in the 80s. Education professor Christy Hammer made the remarks on September 7th in front of a graduate student in her class. Listen to the name of the class, folks,

Creating a Positive Learning Environment. Oh, how ironic, she made them uncomfortable. Creating a Positive Learning Environment, that's the name of the class. Dallas, for the last year or so, have I said when I've done a college story, she teaches physics 101 or he teaches English or calculus? Have I said?

Not once, but nothing but propaganda. Un-fucking-real. Un-real. Accredited propaganda. Yes. Probably mandatory. It'sited propaganda. Yes. Probably mandatory. Sounded like electives. Sparking intense backlash.

Only one other student in the class reportedly agreed with Hammer's assertion of biological reality. The Bangor Daily News report. Elizabeth Leibiger. Oh, boy. Hey, Liz. Oh, boy. Hey, Liz. Oh, that's a girl.

Is it? I guess. I'll take your word for it. If you are a girl, I'm guessing your pussy smells real bad. Nothing? Elizabeth Leibiger, a non-binary student in the class, said the claim made her feel under personal attack. You can't handle the truth. You hear what I said, ugly?

You can't handle the truth. Nobody cares. People have bought into it. Look, she was born like that. Well, let's say not. She wasn't very, guys didn't like her. So she does this to draw more attention. The minute I see purple hair, you're a fucking loser. I don't care if you're 48, 11, 2, get out of the mall.

Bugging me. Anyway, she dresses like I did in high school on mob night. And who cares about your fucking feelings? I felt under attack. I do when I see you. You scare me. I let her know I didn't think she was qualified to teach a class about positive learning environments. And you are?

Said Leiberger, according to Fox News. It's the ultimate irony. You need to shut the fuck up. Students, by the way, good parenting job. Students in the class staged a walkout in protest on September 4th, demanding a restorative justice meeting. What?

Yeah. What leads you to believe the Soviets were involved? Yeah, exactly. Nobody can even define what's restorative justices or even social justice. Ask them what they've done. And they go, you know. With the head of the School of Education and Human Development,

during which they urged the school to oust Hammer. The school said, we can't. She's one of our most important tools. University administrators have so far stood by their employees. Of course they have. Bunch of cowards. Instead, they would create another class for those who felt, you know, it's the phrase unsafe, feeling unsafe. I can understand if you go, fuck her, I don't agree with her. That's bullshit and here's why. But when you use this excuse,

it makes me feel unsafe. What are you going to do in the real world? How can you feel? They literally believe that words of violence, we have a whole generation now, not all of them believe it, a lot of them do, believe that words of tantamount to violence. It makes me feel unsafe. How? How? How about, I was going to say, how about when a guy's fucking you? That's wrong. That would never happen.

It's slang. It makes me feel unsafe. You were that pampered or that sheltered? I don't even understand how they get away with it. It's not going to be long before you all kill yourselves. You tell them, Charlie. Because you're all crazy. And you can project it back on me.

What a job. We're going to play the monologue of him on the stand tomorrow. Did you ever see it, Ellis? You want to see acting that's's gonna make your hair stand up? Fuckin'. We have developed an alternative plan for this class. It'll involve rat poison and bottles of fuckin' Yoo-hoo. And we'll be opening a new section of this course

for those students who would like to move. University spokesman Gina, oh my, look who would like to move. University spokesman Gina. Oh, my. Look what they did to Gina. That looks like a real Gina. Gina Marie Guardino told the local press, the original section taught by Professor Hammer will continue for any students who wish to remain in the class. Why would they do that?

Then they're going to be outcast by the rest of the school. Gina, come on. Don't make me come over there. What is she, got breath mints around her neck? Pearl necklace. Yeah, pearl necklace my ass. Anyways, you know,

I feel unsafe. I feel unsafe every time I go outside. You want to feel unsafe? Go to New York. I'm missing a tooth. I look like a quint up here. Yeah, try to go to a CVS at midnight in New York. That's unsafe.

I can't take it no more. Anyways, finally tonight, on whatever the show you're watching is, Dr. John Stewart versus Arkansas Attorney General, current talk show host and former comedian. This is from The Blaze, so they call him a former comedian. Once you're a comedian, you're a comedian, in my opinion. But anyways, former comedian.

And I know what they mean because he does heavy hard hitting. John Stewart has come to the defense of medical professionals who provide so-called gender reassignment or gender affirmation care to children, comparing it to treating pediatric cancer and suggesting that it saves lives. What? On Friday, the Twitter account of Stewart showed the problem with Jon Stewart released a six-minute video in which Stewart conducts a contentious interview with Arkansas Attorney General Leslie Rutledge claiming that she and those who have fought against giving kids such treatment, which can include cross-sex hormone injections, mastectomies, and even hysterectomies or orchomectomy.

What the hell is orchid? I don't even know what it is. They cut out your orchids. Are deliberately ignoring guidelines established by prominent medical organizations and designed to save children from committing self-harm. Now, we're going to watch this. I'll give you my, I'll stop it here and there. We're not going to watch a whole six minutes. We're going to just do a minute and a half, two minutes here.

But it's very obviously somebody wasn't prepared, in my opinion. Go ahead. Why would the state of Arkansas step in to override parents, physicians, psychiatrists, endocrinologists who have developed guidelines? Why would you override those guidelines? Pause. Here would be my answer to that. You know who else set guidelines? The CDC during COVID and the World Health Organization. Those are all experts too. Should we follow those guidelines? Because they were all wrong. That would be my first answer. I'd say, you know, I don't take, you're saying experts and doctors.

What we found out is a lot of them are unqualified today. And it's been politicized, whatever you talk. That would be my first argument. And I was coming up with these as I was watching this, all right? So plus, in full disclosure, I like Jon Stewart. Hate his politics, but always just a good dude. Every time I've ever met him, sitting around the table, funny as hell. But yes, I fucking disagree with everything politically. You think he gives a fuck? He's a trillionaire.

Listen. No, but he's always been, you know, a decent guy. I think a lot of people will tell you that. And I know you guys hate him and whatever. And I don't like that he has a good head of hair at this age. Go ahead. Well, I think it's important that all of those physicians, all of those experts, for every single one of them, there's an expert that says we don't need to allow children to be able to take those medications. That there are many instances where- But you know that's not true. You know it's not for everyone, there's one.

These are the established- Well, I don't know that that's not true. I don't know that- Then why would you pass a law then if you don't- Pause don't you go you don't know if i'm her i go maybe it's two to one doctors against it seriously you know so go ahead don't know that that's true wouldn't you well i know that there are doctors and that we had plenty of people come and testify before our legislature who said that uh you know we have 98 of the young people who have gender dysphoria that they are able to move past that and once they have the the help that they need no longer suffer from gender dysphoria 98 percent without uh medical okay that's an incredibly made-up figure. That doesn't comport with any of the studies or documentation that exists from these medical organizations. What medical association are you talking about of these doctors?

Well, we have all of that in our legislative. How do you not know? in our legislative... How do you not know? When you're... I said to Dallas today, when you're debating Jon Stewart, you're debating him and the whole media. You know how black people go,

we have to be twice as qualified to get a job over a white person? Well, when you're a conservative Republican and you talk to somebody like Jon, you have to be 12 times more prepared. And how can you be an attorney general of a state and quote a number like that when you're a conservative Republican and you talk to somebody like John, you have to be 12 times more prepared. And she, how can you be an attorney general of a state and quote a number like that and then not have at least one or two organizations?

And I believe her. She's got it on public record somewhere, you know, because I've heard if you stay, if you read the shit online, there's plenty of doctors who are against this, but I'm just saying, don't go into an interview where you're going, I got him and fucking 90%

of the media. I don't want to make a sexist crap, because I'm dumber than she is, but go ahead. History, and we'll be glad to provide that to you. I don't have the name of that off the top of my head. I know it's something that... You don't have the name of the organization? That you're getting that information?

Off the top of my head. Oh, okay. But yes yes we have all of that sided in all of our brains you see how uh oh that's it that was incredibly made up see how he slices and dices because they they swim in this shit but you can't you're an attorney general of arkansas and you're coming off like it. Oh, go ahead. We're suggesting that protecting children means overriding the recommendations of the American Medical Association, the American Association of Pediatrics, the Endocrine Society. We don't have enough data. We don't have enough to show that these drugs are effective. Is that all I gave you? Yeah.

Son of a bitch. She should have come back with this. Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker, you. Imagine if she said that. Anyhow, that's my only point. That's why Bill Maher used to have on what, you know, he would have these wishy-washy borderline rhino Republicans on and just kick the shit out of them.

Nobody, you know, he'd never sit down with a Newt Gingrich or, you know, somebody or even a fucking Ted Cruz. Maybe, Cruz probably had been on a show before, but, you know, very rarely. And you have to be ten times more qualified because they'll take a little excerpt where you look stupid, and it'll be on a loop for the next two weeks. You've got to be more prepared. But they don't know in Arkansas. There's no Jews down there to argue with.

They hang them all. Oh, for the love of God, Nick. I'm kidding. Matter of fact, I'm playing there, aren't I? Didn't I just plug a gig? Dallas, you probably know Arkansas. Lowell. What? Low probably know Arkansas. Lowell. What?

Lowell, Arkansas. You're probably familiar with it, no? Are you familiar with Arkansas? Not really. I'm nervous to make people laugh in Arkansas. But I said that about Huntsville, Alabama. I got a standard ovation when I was introduced. Well, that doesn't surprise me. All right.

Well, I don't surprise me. Well, I don't know why I grouped the two together. I'm just saying. And they laughed at the smart shit. You know, it is a lot of stereotypical. I mean, Bill Clinton was a product of Arkansas. So it's a fair point that you just don't know what to expect. Yeah.

He left there when he was 18 and got an education. No, you're right. You're absolutely right. Anyways, lady, you got to be warned. And again, anyhow, that're right. You're absolutely right. Anyways, lady, you've got to be warned. And again, anyhow, that's it. I'm sure my listeners at home are going, you like Jon Stewart? How the fuck can you say that? He's a funny fucking dude.

And I'm an idiot. I was at a comedy cell one night. He comes down. This is at the height of The Daily Show. He's like the king of fucking, you know, Libtown. And he comes out of the comedy cell, and I let him go on in front of me, or they put him on in front of me, whatever the fuck. So, I mean, he shook the rafters, because everybody there agrees with everything he says.

And then I go up right after him, and instead of, this is what you got to do in a situation like that, if you're a comic, you just sort of take the beating for the first minute. You don't try to go up and try to match the energy and the fucking, you know what I mean? And the point of view with your point, which I did, and oh, did I take a beating. I think I walked off doing this to the audience. But anyways.

Okay, that's it, kids. Good show today for a Monday, in my opinion. I wonder if most of these people watching are at home today. Not really, right? What, it's a bank? It's just like a federal banks and shit. Is my gynecologist open? That's a big question. I got a yeast infectant and won't quit. Don't forget

Cameo.com. Cameo.com. If you want me to roast a friend or relative, go to Cameo.com. That's it. By the way, Dallas went, where did you go? Helen? Yeah, Helen, Georgia. Helen, Georgia.

Him and his girlfriend dressed up in the Lederhosen, drank all kinds of German beer with no hangover because there's no preservatives. But when he farted today, there's preservatives. That's it. You guys think and I'll say it. You're very welcome. See you back here tomorrow at the same time.

Take care, kids. guitar solo Outro Music