The Nick DiPaolo Show - Biden, Harris Blame You | Nick Di Paolo Show #650

Episode Date: January 10, 2022

Kamala pulls a Carter. Nancy falls for Harry. Whole Foods doesn't want to be woke. Trany water fight. 12 year old Russian punches down tree. High tech heifers.

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You can do all this at thecomicsgym.com and click on an Encore episode or patreon.com slash the Nick DiPaolo Show. Thanks for supporting, and I can't wait to hear what some of you guys and gals have to say. Talk to you soon. As you can see, my nipples have been removed from my body. Where they are, I don't know. I'm guessing they're in a shoebox under your bed with your vagina.

Look like a 14-year-old Marv Albert. Suck on my boobs. YOSH! Hey, hey, hey! You know what that means. That's right, folks. The DiPaolo Show. It is Monday morning. I just... Yuck. Just don't like it. The DiPaolo Show. It is Monday morning. I just, yuck. Just don't like it. Got a long week. You know, this till Thursday. Get on a plane Friday to Finland. It's all good, but I'm just saying. Like they say in every movie, I'm too old for this shit. Anyhow, real quick before we get to the show. Excuse me. Bob Saget. Very sad. I wasn't like a, first of all, Full House was the

worst show ever in the history of television, period. I don't care who grew up with it, whatever the fuck. Complete garbage. And it's sort of why I like Saget, because he almost says so in different articles after he did that show, saying he almost regretted whatever. He was kind of funny in his own way. I wasn't a huge fan of his company. I'll admit, because he did a lot I like a lot of the stream of consciousness stuff but he seemed like a nice guy. He's just 65.

Too young. It's where you find a lot of us comics when we die. Hotel rooms. He was in the Ritz Carlton. I'll be in the Quality Inn. Sitting on the toilet like Elvis with a box of Skittles in one hand and a jar of hand lotion in the other.

What? Anyways. But anyways, yeah. I feel bad for his daughters and stuff. Just out there doing his thing, you know. Got a ton of money. Doesn't have to be out there. Still banging it out.

And that was very sad. And then on a non-sequitur note, college football tonight, if you're a college football fan like myself. Biggest night, biggest night of the year. Once again, Georgia, Alabama. As you know, if you're a college football fan, you know they faced each other in the conference championship or whatever the hell you call it, SEC, a couple weeks ago in Alabama. School, Georgia, who was number one the whole year.

So this is a very interesting thing. If you like football, it doesn't matter, NFL, pro, tune in on this one. This is the best it gets. And all these guys on both teams, you're going to be watching them in a year on your favorite NFL team. I mean, it's just that good of football. It's crazy. And I'm pulling for Georgia because I moved down here.

I got a Georgia hat and a pickup truck and a pig. Nick, don't bring your wife. I didn't say. All right. Let's get on with the goddamn show. Well, we're waiting. All right. I'm a procrastinator.

In the N-word segment today, the Yankees are very woke. I guess that's a good thing. They just hired the first female manager of a low-A affiliate, you know, a minor league club. Not a hitting coach. She's the manager. And, again, no disrespect to this woman, Rachel Belkovic, um, but, uh, come on. I guess playing catcher on the New Mexico University softball girls softball team is

qualification to teach guys how to hit, to go to the major leagues, I guess, in 2021. Um, it makes me sick, to be honest with you. Sorry, Rachel, I'm happy for you, but it makes me sick. Why? Well, because there's some guy out there who's been kicking around AAA looking for that job or AA or wherever, who actually played baseball and actually has some insight on it. That's why.

Yeah, but Nick, you know, women can learn things. And, you know, like in the military, they learn to shoot. Okay, well, if you're going to go with that logic, I'm going to come up with my usual answer. What if your baby needed an open-heart transplant and there were two doctors? You got one who did a thousand operations and one who watched a thousand and has a degree in it.

Which one are you going to pick? Case closed. Again, no disrespect, Ms. Belkovec. She's good-looking, too. So she'll look good in those pants. That's all I got to say. Fuck everybody. Make me a sandwich.

Make me a fucking sandwich. In our make me a sandwich, as my Italian friends like to say. We've got to go on a diet. Sandwiches. Only ethnic people that think sandwiches are diet food. Remember that? And Goodfellas made me cry. Anyhow, in our Make Me a Sandwich segment,

Vice President, and it hurts me to still say that, Kamala Harris acknowledged a level of malaise among Americans and channeled one of the lowest moments of Jimmy Carter's presidency in an interview this week. And you sure are, sweetheart. You guys might not remember what that means because you're not old enough.

But Jimmy Carter was like, again, great guy. I met him on The Tonight Show. I keep telling it. But he was a sweetheart, terrible politician, kind of a real lefty. And he blamed his shitty inflation, which was through the roof like Biden's is, he sort of blamed it on the American people. And he used the word malaise, which is a word I was going to look up before the show started. But fuck it. What am I doing? NBC Nightly News? Fuck that. They don't look it up. Why should I? nightly news. Fuck that. They don't look it up. Why should I? Anyways, let's show a clear,

it's a word that since Carter used it, he got trounced by Reagan. And a lot of people blame that Malay speech he did on that. I mean, can you imagine blaming the American, it is so typical of a Democrat president. Malay's a general feeling of discomfort, illness, or uneasiness whose exact cause is difficult to identify. Oh boy, is that fucking, what? Yeah, it's a real enigma. A real enigma why the economy's come to a crashing halt, why illegals are flying in at night and landing everywhere, and everybody hates everybody. It's a real enigma. Blaming the last president. Boy, we can't figure it out. It's like Sudoku. Shut the fuck up. I like how you pronounce malaise too. Malaise. It does sound like an Italian dish. I love the malaise. Anyways, let's take a listen to this vice president with a neck like a strong safety.

this vice president with a neck like a strong safety. Doubt, you know, COVID, for example. I mean, we're all, you know, everybody is frustrated with that. And I understand and I fully appreciate there is a level of malaise. She's blaming that malaise on you. That's why Biden's spending agenda has stalled, apparently, his social spending agenda. It's our fault, folks. It always is. There's a malaise. People are obsessed with, yeah, I got to fly to fucking Phoenix with a diaper on my face again. Do you understand? It fucking, I can't even. And last time I was on the plane, a lady had to tell me twice to put it over my neck. I was this far from going viral, man. I just pictured me going, oh, that's a nice ear. Squish.

Fuck. I'm ready to sit home, man. Harris sought to link Americans' fatigue with the ongoing COVID crisis to Biden's sinking poll numbers and rising inflation and high energy costs. Harris told anchor Judy Woodruff, but she's full of shit and we know that. And you're a piece of shit. She's a piece of shit. Critics quickly seized on the comment, which harked back to, again, Jimmy Carter's malaise speech of July of 79. I was 17 years old

and in love with my dentist's daughter and it ended in tragedy. I dismembered her. No, it just went off to different schools and I'm still shaken by it.

True story. A disastrous address that blamed the Americans back, and I already said that, weak and woes had sparked widespread anger against the administration. Jimmy Carter 2.0, Fox News commentator Michael Tamero noted on Twitter. Carter's speech, which presaged his electoral trouncing by Ronald Reagan one year later has made the term malaise taboo amongst most American politicians. They're fucking blaming us? You're the fucking problem. You fucking Dr. Y onking jam rag, onking spunk bubble.

I'm telling you, H, you keep looking at me, I'm going to put you in the fucking ground, I promise you. Not this time. Harris' comment, oh, I turned myself up to air just hours after she provoked outrage. She can't do anything right. For a speech at the U.S. Capitol equating the January 6th riot there to some of the most harrowing and deadly days in American history, including September 11th terror attack. You know, when 3,000 Americans died, it's

the same as an unarmed woman being shot. She's the only one that died of violence on that day. The other four were like heart attacks and strokes and whatever. Can you imagine? I mean, fucking ignorant beyond her. This is why I have a problem with a female manager. Nick, how are those? I don't know. Anyways, she compared it. And the Japanese Pearl Harbor.

She used that one too. Oh, she's fucking retarded. That's her husband. Oh, my God. That's what happens when you hire people based on gender or race. That's what happens instead of on merit, which is how this country became great. Again, I hearken back to Miss Belkovic. Yeah, but Nick, she's probably, no, no, no, no, no, no. Good looking broad, no doubt about it. I was expecting to see, you know.

Yeah, I was expecting, exactly. I was expecting to see somebody that looked like, God. Oh, Chaz Bono. Anyways, let's go on to another broad who should retire and who's a Democrat, who's, I would say, equally as stupid as Kamala Harris. The only reason she's been around forever, she doesn't know how to play the game. And at one point, she had nice breasts, I'm sure, which, you know, for a couple of years, she used to her advantage.

But now she's in her late hundreds. Get the fuck off the stage. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stumbled off the presidential podium during Harry Reid's funeral. Remember Harry Reid? Last time you saw him, remember he had a black eye from his Bowflex? Remember? He had a fucking... His Bowflex hit him.

He used to box, they said. He was the most hacked, left-wing, unfair piece of garbage there was. No disrespect, Harry. During Harry Reid's funeral service, see that picture of Pelosi? That's not even her hand. That's some old man trying to punch her with a trump hat. Look at it. It doesn't even match the skin on her face, you baby.

Harry Reid's funeral service in Vegas on set. Nearly taking a header in front of the mourners. Oh, my God. Why didn't she just friggin'... You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! Melting!

Oh, what a world! What a world! Pelosi appeared in a long line of leftist luminaries, including President Joe Biden. That's how everybody says it. Barack Obama to lament the politico. They get so fancy with their gay words. The House Speaker concluded her remarks by saying,

God truly blessed America with the life and legacy of Harry Reid. Yeah, that and polio, you skunk. May he rest in peace. May you not. He's gone, and we can do nothing about it. Pelosi gabbed at her stupid mask, because she's always on display when the cameras are on, and began to step away from the podium, apparently not seeing the shovel that Jim Jordan left for her to step on. Not seeing the step down. She nearly tumbled to the floor as her high heels. She's wearing

high heels at 81. You think somebody's going to go, ooh, that makes her ass look tight. You dirty, filthy, young lady. You're old. All right, let's take a look. I think she's drunk. God truly blessed America with the life and legacy

of Harry Reid. May he rest in peace. May you fall down and break your neck, you skanker. La la la. Oh, killing it. Uh oh, retard alert. Retard alert. If that's not a

message telling her enough, what's with the guitar there, too? Is it fucking Bob Dylan going to drop in? Do a little all along the fucking watchtower? Anyways, we'd love to see her fucking make an asshole of herself. And it would have been so, how hard would you have been laughing if you heard a snap? And the hip bone came right through the pantsuit, and the blood just started squirting all over the front row. Barack's like, what the fuck?

Excuse me. Sweet and sour pork I made last night. Lost a few pounds already since New Year's. Think it's cancer of the ass. Let's go on. Hey, guys. I'm back on the road. You know how much I love the road at this point.

60 years old in a couple weeks. This weekend, this Friday and Saturday, I'll be at CB Live in Phoenix, Arizona. Oh, the way to Tacoma, Philadelphia, let the LA do it, and California where the girls are skanks. Then on Thursday, January 27th, I'll be doing this show, the podcast, live in Raleigh, North Carolina, I won't believe it until I see it, at Good Nights. Did they take Charlie Good Nights out of that? Maybe they did. Get a ticket to be in the audience. That'll be kind of fun.

We won't know what we're doing. It'll be a blast. It's going to be a complete fucking train wreck, but nothing's funnier than me losing my temper. The next two nights, right after we do the podcast on Thursday night, January 28th, 29th, I'll be doing stand-up at Good Nights in Raleigh. So you might as well plan to come spend the whole weekend with me,

especially if you have a nice ass. You too, fellas. February 3rd, Sugarloaf Performing Arts Center in Chester, New York. Then the next night, February 4th, I'll be at the Algonquin Arts Theater in Manasquan, New Jersey. February 5th, I'll be at my old haunt, Governor's Comedy Club, with my favorite owner, James, in Levittown, New York. And then in March, I'll be in Texas. March 25th, I'll be at Hyena's Comedy Club in Dallas, Texas. And March 26th, at Hyena's Comedy Club in Fort Worth. And lastly, I'll be back in the Northeast in April, April 7th through the 9th, at Comics Mohegan Sun in Uncasville, Connecticut. Last time I was there, I did mushrooms for the first time. Again, you can get tickets to all these shows at nickdip.com. Let's move on.

Shall we? What's the headlines here? Black avocados matter. What? I am a clever person. Black avocados matter. What? I am a clever person. U.S. Labor Board prosecutors are trying to violate Whole Foods Market's copyright and constitutional rights by forcing it to let employees wear Black Lives Matter masks at work. The Amazon.com company subsidiary claims. Of course. Do we make enough exceptions for black people in this country?

Honestly. Jesus Christ. Let me just give you my quick take. No, you shouldn't wear it. Because you wouldn't like me walking in with a frigging White Lives Matter, even though that's not even a group, or even a Trump t-shirt. We've heard of people get remember oh by the way there was a I didn't do the story but I saw it this weekend there was some pilot who had a let's go Brandon on his bag it's a pilot on his carry-on bag whatever let's

go Brandon a little uh you know, tied to his, some woman called and wanted him fired and shit. Yeah, stupid cunt. Anyways, here's my take on that. Okay, let him wear it. Again, I'm all freedom of speech, but let's not have the double standard here. Let me wear whatever the frick I want.

As a customer, like, fuck Joe Biden, how much are the avocados? And December 17th, filing with the National Labor Relations Board, Whole Foods, I can't believe I'm siding with Bezos, but I'll tell you why he's taken this stance, denied the agency general counsel's allegations that the company violated federal labor law by banning employees from wearing the Black Lives Matter insignia and punishing staff around the country who did. Yeah, I'm right here. The filing is a response to the labor board's accusations

that by prohibiting Black Lives Matter messages at work, the company interfered with the employees' rights under the National Labor Relations Act to engage, and then in quotes, in concerted activities for their mutual aid and protection. And what are you being protected from? Huh? What is it, the killer cucumbers in aisle six? What exactly? Protected from? Huh? What is it, the killer cucumbers in aisle six? What exactly? Protected from what exactly? Fucking you. I don't know who you people on the left think you are.

Fucking unions always hated them, okay? I know they had a, and again, I know public, private, I don't give a shit. The minute, like George Collin had a, the minute you get people in groups not wearing an armband and shit. Yeah, but they did a lot of, I don't give a shit. Anyways. Yeah, so somehow they're in danger if they're not allowed to wear the Black Lives Matter when what you're doing is just pissing off people who might disagree with you. You're provoking shit. And again, like I said, if you're going to let them do it, let's have a two-way street here.

Don't say a fucking word to me. I'll get up and I'll bury this telephone. I agree with you, Stanley. Whole Foods counters that it's the one whose rights are being violated. The company's filing obtained via a Freedom of Information Act, that's FOIA, requests, obtained via a Freedom of Information Act, that's FOIA, requests, accuses the Labor Board's general counsel, Jennifer Abruzzo, that means she's my same, I'm Abruzzi. That's where my grandparents are from, Abruzzo. This scancarini, Italian, probably a munching,

she's the one who says they should be able to wear the BLM. Again, look at her, not not happy nobody ever porked her of trying to under constitutionally compel speech by Whole Foods in violence which is exactly that's right Bezos company happens to be right here you're like forcing speech on him this is a private company he can do what he wants by the way even if it's an affiliate I believe he has the last say. He's not even mentioned in the article, but I'm telling you why. I'm on Bezos. See, Bezos always pushed this shit on us. He's a far left liberal. He owns the Washington Post. But now, because this story is touching home his business and could be detrimental to the bottom line, he's taking our sort of angle on it.

Do you see what I'm saying? Anyways, they're violating Whole Foods' First Amendment right. The upscale gross also accuses her of unlawfully infringing upon or diluting WFM's protected trademark by trying to mandate that it allow the display of a political message in conjunction with its trademarked uniforms and logo. Exactly. What is there? What is there? Is that their logo? What is it? A kumquat with a fucking Yankees hat on? I don't even fucking know. Oh, God. You stupid fucking blabbermouth. Now, you didn't have to say that to Ms. Abruzzo, but I can't believe we're siding with the yin-yang-yang.

Only because if you guys want to keep, again, I've said it nine times already. Fucking. Real freedom of speech. This country can't handle. We should just get rid of it. Because it's been so gone. And now there's a total attack on us, the righties, just out and right blatant attack. I saw Rand Paul left, finally left Twitter, and he's going to rumble or some shit like that, but whatever.

It's still, okay, I changed my mind. Let them wear their BLM hats. I'm going to come in with my own hat. Viking hat with face paint and my fucking loincloth. See how that goes. It's all, we're obsessed in this country, aren't we, though? Gender, race, and speaking of gender, here's one for you. We seem to be talking about this he-she a lot. and speaking of gender, here's one for you. We seem to be talking about this he, she a lot. Penn transgender swimmer Leah Thomas,

who had been crushing her competition since joining the, there she is, a sexy bitch. It's Gronk. Since joining the women's swim team, after three years swimming as a biological male, what a fucking, what an asshole, though. You know what I mean? And then bragging about it.

Not even be a little sheepish. I really know I'm a man killing girl. But no, look at me. Same with the broad that won Jeopardy. Fuck you, too. You see that one? Transgender. Obviously a guy, but bottom line is men beat women in everything.

Anyways, that's not true. How about ironing? Oh, Nick. Fuck you, an asshole. Yes. I'm kidding. First of all, my wife's 12 times smarter than mine. Let's say 50. And not that bright. I'm kidding. First of all, my wife's 12 times smarter than my, let's say 50.

And not that bright. She married me, but I met her match Saturday. This broad, Leah, met her match Saturday. Get this. It's not what you think. In the 100 meter freestyle. What do they do with a breaststroke? That must get all confusing. During a tri meet with Yale and Dartmouth. Ah, the homosexuals. Exactly. Thomas won the 200-meter and 500-meter races at Penn's final home meet of the season, but she finished sixth in the 100-meter

where Yale's Isaac Hennig, a transgender swimmer, oh my God, the pool is filled with freaks, who was in the process of transitioning from female to male, crushed Thomas. I love it. I love it. No, take it easy. Take it easy, Paulie. So I don't even know how to handle this story. So I don't even know how to handle this story.

A guy turned himself into a woman, and he was just breaking all the women around. This was a woman going the other way. Am I right? In the middle of transitioning. So this is a woman going to a guy. So she's got enough already man juice in her to beat this. Again, I can't help it.

The men keep winning. I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm actually getting confused. I don't know who to hate here and who to... Nick, don't hate. Just let them be. Start your own swim league. If there's that many of you, you're giving us the impression that 50% of the population is trans, so start your own swim fucking league. I can't wait for the football league. I can't wait when some guy turns himself into a woman, but still 6'4", 240, and just

running over waitresses from Hooters. Anyways, Hennig finished the 100 in 49.57, snipping my record back at UMaine, while Thomas touched the wall. Is that a dirty thing? 52.8. There you see Leah Thomas. That's the one that's been beating all the girls, really a guy.

And on the right, you have, obviously, Kyle Rittenhouse. That's Kyle Rittenhouse. That's Kyle Rittenhouse. Is it not? Or Charlie McAvoy of the Boston Bruins. They're the same person. I wasn't prepared for that. Everything is messed up. I can't wrap my head around this.

The NCAA needs to do something about this. They need to put science into the decision and discussion. A Penn swim parent told the Daily Mail. They don't believe in science. They just believe in winning. In the 400 freestyle relay, Thomas was beaten yet again by Hennig. Oh, my God. Aren't you embarrassed?

You're really getting beat by a biological woman. I don't know. Word has it there's another swimmin', I don't know, half girl, half man, having a motor put in her ass, an outboard. Who swam? Henick swam his leg in 50.45 to Thomas' 51.94. Oh, too bad. his leg in 50.45 to Thomas' 51.94. Oh, too bad.

It's very weird. Thomas still should have won. No, I don't know. Spectators, again, it depends how much testosterone. Spectators, listen to this. In attendance, here's the best part

of the whole story. Told the Daily Mail that Hennig, who had his breasts removed, didn't I already do a story like this? Yes, had his breasts removed. You'd think the price of breasts would be going down at Whole Foods.

Won the 50-yard freestyle and proceeded to pull down the top of his swimsuit. He's looking at you, kid. Isn't that the point of it all? Look at me. I don't have any tits anymore. That's fucking precious.

So that bully, Leah, took a schooling. So that bully, Leah, took a schooling. I don't know what to say, folks. I don't know what to say anymore. People would just become anesthetized to it. It's like, yeah, okay, whatever. I got other things. Here's a girl that would kick the shit, and she's really a girl, by the way, a biological

girl, not even grown up yet, which means there's probably three CNN producers looking into the ladies' room when she goes to bed. This is a real young lady. Age doesn't determine the strength, and a 12-year-old boxer is showing that. Evnika Sadvakas, Russia, has gained fame online for her boxing prowess after videos of her throwing a flurry of punches on a tree, which was transitioning into a tomato plant. Look at her. Put them up. Put them up.

Look at her. She's a tough... You can tell by her face already. She's a, um, watch. Now, let me tell you something. If she's not in UFC in about, I don't know, three years, I'm sure she's already, her dad's probably already got it doing jiu-jitsu and all the other shit. But I need a tree taken down on my back, yeah.

Can we call this little Russian broad? Watch this. She's bringing some fucking heat. Ow. Ow. Jesus. Look at that left hook. She's bringing that from her ass. Wait a minute. The tree falls, don't it? It's in half already. Huh? It's already in half.

It already fell down? Yeah. Holy fucking moly. She's only got 40 more to go. That was more impressive than Rocky, right? Hitting the fucking beef in the warehouse. That, let me tell you something. Now, here's my take, my sexist take on this.

And I'm not saying this is the case here, okay? I'm just saying, don't get mad at me, okay? My first initial reaction was deepfake video. I know the tree has cancer and it's old and shit. I'm just saying how hard she was hitting. Deep fake video. And I'm not even saying that's the case, but I'm saying those are out there.

Nick, why do you say that? Because you know I'm trying to learn guitar and shit, right? I did a YouTube of greatest female guitar player, and there was some girl, like 20 years old, playing shit that Hendrix wouldn't even attempt. She was that good. And then you look real close, and it didn't even look like her hand. Maybe I was just jealous.

But I'm just saying it didn't look like her hand. There was six thumbs and a pinky. She was Japanese, maybe. Some follow-up from the Nagasaki. I'm just saying, though, and I'm not even saying this is the case for this girl. Her dad looks like she, you know. But I'm just saying you guys aren I'm not even saying this is the case for this girl. Her dad looks like she, you know. But I'm just saying you guys aren't going to know when, again, the left will do anything to promote, right, gender. Whether it's gender or race. There's going to be deep fakes out there.

They already have the technology. You will never know. That was my first reaction, not even saying it's right. I wouldn't even fight her. I'll give you that much. I think I could kill her, though. I'll dress up like a fern. She'll go to punch it, and I'll headbutt her. Anyways, that little girl was in a girl.

I say she's a woman, though. Did you see the intensity? That's why it's probably real. Evnika is trained by her father, Rustram Sedvik. Why don't you have the same name? Stepchild, who is a professional boxing coach. Reportedly, he recognizes his daughter's talent and interest, that sounds dirty, in boxing when she was just four years old. Speaking to the media about her daughter's talent. Why does it say her daughter's talent?

Do they mean him? His daughter's talent? Jesus Christ. Sadvakas said, when Envika was four, I noticed she was showing these beautiful moves. She was so attentive and hardworking. It's a good sign of character.

I saw the first spark of what I needed to develop. Holy Christ. You're gonna eat lightning, and you're gonna drop thunder. You're gonna eat fucking Froot Loops and crap rabbit pellets. She's 11. Anyways, and Vika now

trains with her seven siblings and father five times a week, and oh, man. She's gonna be on. Here she is putting her hand through Kermit the Frog's asshole. I don't know what's going on there. Five times a week in, oh man, she's going to be on. Here she is putting her hand through Kermit the Frog's asshole. I don't know what's going on there. Five times a week in Russia's Barents area. Her mother, Ania Sadvagas, is a former gymnast. There you go.

And the only one in the family who is not a boxer. In 2020, seven-year-old Rory Van Oofts shocked the world. There's another small little girl, with her ability to deadlift 80 kilograms. She became the youngest person to win USA Weightlifting Youth National Championship. Look at this. Are those real tattoos?

Do you think? I'm more disturbed. Why not? They got her daughter deadlifting. You think they'd give a fuck about her health? I thought she was a Russian, too. I didn't read the story. What exactly leads you to believe the Soviets were involved?

I don't know. She's all twoed up like one. That's all you need, a little 10-year-old girl. Girls are made of sugar and spice and fucking steroids that are nice. Final story? Final story tonight on our week back Monday. Again, don't forget Georgia, Alabama if you're not doing anything. I like to dress up like a cheerleader when I watch the big game every year.

Female one. Did I tell you Dallas is coming over? As the male cheerleader. As the male cheerleader. As the male cheerleader. He's going to pick me up. He's going to have his hand up my ass like this. Boy, huh? How about those guys?

If I could come back, I'd be a male cheerleader. Fucking girls on 11 on a scale of 9, and this guy's, you know. Finally tonight, high-tech heifers. What in God's name? Is it a cokeck? Oh, by the way, another thing I want to remind you. A few people, I turned you on to Gamora, right? One of the greatest shows ever.

Season five is out. I think you have to maybe get it from one of those sites that, whatever. But it's out there. Is it COCAC from Turkey has turned to the high-tech headgear after seeing a study suggesting it makes, what high-tech? I haven't even mentioned what it was. Makes the cows happier. I should have had the headline.

I took it out. This is in turn means that, you know those things you put on? There you go. What do you call them? VR goggles. VR goggles. Thank you very much. Means he puts them on, right?

And it makes them happy. Because they're looking at what it looks like. Cow, you know, green pastures. But they, you know, they don't know they're in a pen. They're so stupid. And anyways, supposedly, it makes them happy, so they give more milk. I don't know if that's true or not.

This lady next door is like seven months pregnant. Maybe I'll put some on her and see. Nick, come on. What'd I do? What'd I do? What'd I do? Very happy. I think they're watching porn. Kocak said the move is already paying off.

He's given the headset to two of his cows and noted that milk production went from 22 liters to 27 liters. Are you interested in the real story? Yeah, how did it happen? And what are the cows seeing through the VR goggles? Apparently, it's visions of the outside world. Hey, now this, I'm just thinking like I always do, this would be good for guys doing life in prison.

I mean, yes, I just came up with a great solution. For people who say it's cruel to keep a guy in a cage no matter what he did, right? And we say, fuck that. He took somebody's life. He'll always be a danger, in my opinion. Give them goggles when they're good. When they behave, you know how you get paroled or whatever the fuck. Instead, somebody's doing life or murdering their family,

you give them these goggles for five minutes and then take it away and go, ha, ha. They're watching a green pasture and it gives them an emotional boost. Put on some cow porn. You want to see milk? They are less stressed. Now, how would you know that?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What is a cow stressed about? Now how would you know that? What is a cow stressed about? Unbelievable. I have a lactose intolerant. No you don't you're a fucking cow. My suede is gonna get wet. Let's check out the videotape, shall we? Oh, he's lying. There's the cast of The View having lunch. You fat puck, look at you.

Zed has previously used classical music to try and soothe his cattle. Kind of like this guy. Very progressive for somebody who's living in the middle of nowhere. But he says he's been so impressed with the headsets, he plans to buy 10 more of them. Well, good for you. Good for you, guy.

Making your... I'm doing Brian Regan. Making a cow wear a head... Good for you. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking funny guy. One funny motherfucker.

All right. That's enough for today today I don't need this shit anymore I don't know what else to say really I've never done CB live or have I Jesus that might be a lie too I've never done CB Live. Or have I? Jesus, that might be a lie, too. I did a club out in Phoenix. It was brand new.

Oh, this might be it. If it is, they put me up in a... I think I told this story before. They usually put you up in a hotel. This place gave me a choice of a hotel or a condo. Now, when you're a young comic, they usually throw you in condos that are gross and shitty. So I automatically said, put me in the hotel. The guy picked me up and he said, I just, he goes, I just want to show you the condo. He goes, because the hotel was okay. He goes, I want to show you that it was like a gated fucking, I'm talking filthy rich people.

And the condo was about 3,500 square feet. You could have played fucking ice hockey in there or whatever. It was echo. It was beautiful. Everything was brand new, flat screen, pool, right on the level, right out the front, the sliding glass doors. And so I canceled the hotel. That's how nice, if I'm thinking of the right place. Now, knowing me, I'm going to get there.

It's going to be a place I've never been. It'll be La Quinta Inn. La Quinta. Gets two avocados from the... Anyways, I hope that's the play. The club was beautiful. It was brand new at the time. I'm probably confusing my gigs,

but I think I'm not. I don't know. That's what happens when you turn 90. 60, January 31st. Me, Justin Timberlake, Martha McCallum, Jackie Robinson. These are a few people

who bought them. And my favorite, Joseph Goebbels. Hi-ya! That's it, ladies and gentlemen. Don't forget thecomicsgym.com comicsgym.com

thecomicsgym thecomicsgym.com Don't forget nickdip.com nickdm.com, comicsgym.com, thecomicsgym, thecomicsgym.com. Don't forget nickdip.com, nickdip.com, nickdip.com, cameo.com. If you want me to roast a friend or relative, go to cameo.com. Tell me about the person. Click on my profile. I will make a video, minute, minute, two minutes, on my phone, ripping them a new asshole.

It's so much fun. It's great holiday fun with Joroba. That's it, you guys. Thank God I'll say it. You're very welcome. See you back here at the same time tomorrow. Take care, kids. I'll be your man guitar solo Outro Music