The Nick DiPaolo Show - Biden Mask Mandate Dead | Nick Di Paolo Show #694

Episode Date: April 19, 2022

Judge shoots down mandate. Boston Marathon hypocritical. Jesus, what happened? Homo emojis. I got your pronoun right here.

🎵 Hey, hey, hey. Oh, yeah. How are you, folks? Welcome to the show on a dirty, filthy Tuesday. State of Georgia. 50s. In the 50s this morning. I love it. Neighbors get pissed at me because I'm drinking coffee on the porch. What's... So what? I got my underwear on. What the fuck? Waiting for that sophomore to jog by from Georgia State.

This girl fucking Tina. What's the matter with her? What's the matter fucking Tina. What's the matter with her? What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? I've got to come up with more lines for those girls. You girls wouldn't have anything that dissolves bones in a tub, would you? Can I give you a science major?

Say that into the mic. I want you to be part of the show. Do you understand? Yeah, really. You girls wouldn't be studying chemistry? Because my wife's head, the rest of the body's gone. The head, I can't.

I'll put it in three vats of acid, and she's still staring at me. Come in, let me show you. Wipe your feet. I don't want no footprints, you know what I'm saying? The investigative network, evil lives here. Apparently, only people that are evil in the United States are Christians that live in flyover country.

Fucking Hollywood cunts. Although I watched a couple last night that didn't bring up religion, but it's so funny. I can't believe women even begin to date men after watching that show. It does, though. It puts in perspective, oh, that's why seriously,

that's something those guys, that's why like when you, even back when I was dating in the 80s or whatever, that's why, like, when you, even back when I was dating in the 80s or whatever, that's why they wouldn't immediately go home with you. There was always, even back then, I mean, there's that thought. You know why? We're physically superior. We can kill you. Put that in your fucking feminist pipe and smoke it.

Not that I'd ever do shit like that. Not that I'd ever do shit like that. Again, though, I've told this before, but me and my buddy Tony lived near that nightclub. We told girls we were having a party. You know, after the last call. We bring these two girls back. We said this was going to be a bunch of people.

We open our apartment door. You know, they're in front of us. It's empty. It was like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. Oh, no. Bam! Bam! It was like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. Oh, no.

Bang! Anyhow, what did I have for dinner last night that made me take four, four, count them, full-size dumps this morning? I can't remember what I had. God, I wish we had a hotline the wife could call in from the toilet. What the hell? That's how you know you ate too much. I mean, for the love of, what am I, a fucking polar bear?

God. I love doing that. Then the workers come in right after I take the dump. It smells like a monkey cage. Go ahead, Pedro. Get in the. Ay, caramba. All right.

Somebody tell me. It's scaring the shit out of me. What the fuck was it? Had turkey meatballs the night before. By the way, which Italy loves. Which surprised the shit out of me. But I've read that in more than one. They love turkey meatballs.

You know, ground turkey. This is frightening. I'm going to be in an adult diaper in about two years. You're going to be coming to visit me. Fucking sitting next to Biden, fighting over Jell-O. All right, let's get on with this stupid show. First headline. Your top story tonight.

Look at that forehead shining. Jesus, I forgot to put the dust on it. Makes me look like I'm intelligent. It's all empty up there. Up yours, Biden, is the headline of the lead story. The Biden administration on Monday suspended enforcement of its mask mandate for airports, planes, and other forms of travel after a judge said the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention overstepped its authority. Why didn't a judge say this fucking three years ago? Excuse me. They're talking about

the extension, I think, specifically, right? want to extend it another couple way, I think So guess what you set up yours you can take your mask off now Okay, so how'd that go for you Joe? Have you got anything right Joe really? And again I yell at him he has nothing to do with it He's just following marching orders from a bunch of unelected fucking far left Jew bet jerk offs. I didn't, why did I say, folks, you know, I defend Israel. I date Jewish girls, even though I'm married. You know that, um, that came out wrong. Um, I meant like the squad, which is so far from being Jewish. That's what I meant. But anyhow, so we finally had a judge with some balls. Guess what? Guess who?

Well, anyways. Here ye. Here come the bitch. Here ye. The coat's in session. The coat's in session. Now here come the judge. Here come the judge.

Mama! Mama! U.S. District Judge Catherine Kimball Mazzell Look at that, I'd like to hang her by that bow An appointee of President Donald Trump Of course The only time common sense shows up Is when somebody, right

Trump's fingerprints are on She ruled that the CDC failed to properly explain its decision to impose the mandate or follow proper rule-making procedures. The Biden administration on Monday evening confirmed that travelers can ditch their masks

pending a review of the ruling. You see, you thought it was his idea, right? But it turns out it was a judge. Otherwise, you'd still be wearing this fucking thing come Halloween. The agencies are reviewing the decision. What are they doing? It's a review. She ruled on it.

Let's go. Seriously. Reviewing the decision and assessing. That's why I never understood. The CDC is not elected official. They don't represent us. So why couldn't we ignore them the whole three years? And assessing potential next steps.

Like what? Getting him out of office? In the meantime, today's court decision means CDC's public transportation masking order is not in effect at this time. I repeat, not in effect. I just want to go into like a public library here and tell everybody to fuck their mothers as I'm going through the funny papers. He reads the funny papers. He reads the funny papers. He reads the funny papers. You know what I'm talking about? Smarter than I am, Pop.

He reads the funny papers. He reads the funny papers. Did you check the phone? I already did it, Pop. I didn't want this for one of you to be stuck to call me on a Senate. Aposent avant, Pop. Anyways, because our system does not permit agencies, this is the judge talking, to act unlawfully, even when there's a lib run on the show in the pursuit of desirable ends,

the court declares unlawful and vacates the mask mandate. She said, good for this girl. I love you, honey. Good for you. Don't take no shit off nobody, spider. White House press secretary, my new flame. Folks, I don't know why I want to bang this boy.

I know she's ugly as a stump fence, but I tell you, something about red. I know she's ugly as a stump fence but I tell you something about red I think it's because Jack Nicholson planted a seed my head when I was 12 years old White House press secretary Jenny Saki called the ruling disappoint can you imagine having her as a girlfriend a wife she's disappointed she's disappointed that we can't tell you people what to do anymore. You fucking Conan O'Brien looking motherfucker. Calling the ruling disappointing, which I've heard in bed I don't know how many goddamn times.

You know what I'm saying? Disappointing? Really? Hello? Lady? Anyways, but said the disappointing, she's disappointed, but said the administration had not made up its mind about whether to appeal. Yeah, you have, you have no chance. The CDC continues to pretend they have power, recommending wearing a mask on public transit. Do you see, oh, this is making me fucking mental. There's nothing out there. They even let you take it off on a plane when you're eating and drinking. So there's either a disease that can hurt you or not. There hasn't been for about two fucking years

and you jerk-offs who are still wearing your mask, you are the problem. Please, please die in your sleep tonight. Fuckheads. We'll give you an open casket and we'll put a mask on you. This just came out this afternoon.

So right now the Department of Homeland Security, who would be implementing the change, and the CDC are reviewing the decision. And, of course, the Department of Justice would make any determinations about the litigation. Is that right, Big Red? You get that little red beater right up there and funny, I don't think it's crazy at all. Saki added, I have freckles on my balls

and Jimmy Durante's nose. Saki added, we would say to anyone sitting out there, how about the people standing? What would you say to them? You fucking gingerbread house. We'd recommend to wear masks on the airplane. And you know what?

If you recommended that to me, I'd tell you to go home and fucking shave your head and touch your kids. What? That's a horrible thing to say. Well, I didn't mean it. Anyhow. Oh, it's one of those days. You stupid fucking blabbermouth cunt! Jenny, Jenny, Jenny.

Jenny, I got your number. She's going to be going to MSNBC, so look forward to that unbiased reporting. Are you dog-sty styling me, you fucking Parker House roll? We'll continue with the story. The second part, stick it up your ass, Joe. President Joe Biden's mask mandate on federal airplanes is illegal. A federal judge ruled on Monday in a setback. I'm telling you this now, what the details of it is. One day after taking office, Biden issued, if you guys remember, the order, Executive Order 13998, ordering the Centers for

Disease Control and Prevention to develop the mask mandate and for various other federal agencies like the FAA and Transportation Security Administration, that would be the TSA, to implement the CDC's decisions. Executive Order 13998 also covered airports and other public transportation, such as buses, scooters, skateboards, and snowmobiles. Can you imagine that piece of garbage? Problem? You're the fucking problem. You really are. You always were. You fucking Dr. Y onking jam rag, onking spunk bubble. I'm telling you, H, you keep looking at me,

I'm going to put you in the fucking ground. I promise you. Not this time. You've got to watch that. Dallas, please. I know what you like. I know you appreciate great fucking writing and filming. If you guys haven't seen Sexy Beast,

it's like maybe the most underrated, I don't know. It's so good. Anyways, the CDC issued its initial order January 29th of 2021. Okay. That's how long we've been dealing with this caca. Pursuant to Biden's EO, among other things, it requires almost everyone ages two and up to wear masks at airports and on airplanes with certain narrow exceptions here here's where you know it's all bogus certain narrow exceptions such as between bites when they're eating on a fucking plane okay it's just so ridiculous so like i said apparently covid can't penetrate fucking pretzel dust and well no because the science of the pretzel dust actually gets in the way of the flow of the COVID that's floating through the air of the airplane. Oh, so it blocks it. Is that what you're saying? I see. I mean, I'm just

as much of a scientist as they are. That's fucking... No, that's actually true. CDC. The fuck? How about this? New way of... Well, the way democracy... Every agency that's governed, the people have to be voted on. Can't just be appointed. Let's start there. Most recently, almost two dozen states filed a lawsuit raising several statutory and constitutional

objections to the mask mandate. The lawsuit alleged that the mask mandate violated the administration procedure. Do we have enough fucking acts and procedures? They violated the administration procedure. Do we have enough fucking acts and procedures? APA, that's an agency I belong to in L.A., on three separate grounds. First, that issuing the order is beyond CDC's statutory authority granted by Congress. Now, these are the reasons why she shot it down.

Second, that the CDC's action was really a rule, i.e., a regulation, rather than an order. You're supposed to go like this when Joe talks, you're thinking. And therefore had to go through a process of public notice. This is how democracy is supposed to work. And an opportunity for us, the fucking taxpayers, to comment on it. See, this is a representative republic. You see? You know how we're Little fucking civics 101. You elect your senators and your whatever, and they go to Washington to represent you and how

you feel. Remember those days? Anyways, a public notice, opportunity for public comment. God forbid they let us speak before taking effect. And third, when's the last time you heard a judge talk like this? That's the problem too. Genocide for people on the left. And third, that it violates the APA because it's arbitrary and capricious, meaning that it was not the result of reasoned decision-making. Really? No kidding. Something came out of the Biden administration that wasn't based on reasoning? Who the fuck do you think you are? Yeah, Joe.

Who the fuck do you think you are? Who the fuck? That was me when the first time I flatted, then I told them to put my mask on. Lost my shit for a minute. Yeah. Anyways, that's good news huh finally finally ladies and gentlemen my mother my father oh my face okay let's move on to story two on a dirty tooth.

On your mark, get set, you're out. What? Today's Boston Marathon, which means yesterday's Boston Marathon, didn't include runners from Russia or Belarus. After a marathon organized, decided they couldn't allow runners associated with those countries to compete as Vladimir Putin's war rages on in Ukraine. I thought it was because of the Tsarnaev brothers who blew up the book. They were from that Dagestan region.

Again, not Russia, but close enough. Anyhow, don't get too excited about them doing this by the way. See again Boston is as left as woke as... I have trouble watching the goddamn Red Sox. Every night it's cancer night, it's fucking babies missing limbs night, fucking penguins with ass cancer. They just they take the fuck, they don't even realize it. Every night it's LGBT night for marginal people, communities that are marginalized. Every night. They don't even realize it.

I put this on an album seven years ago. I thought it was the most brilliant observation. You know how politics has bled into sports and politics is politically correct Boston takes it to a new level I put on the Bruins one night they were skating around during warm ups this was like two years ago they had

rainbow tape on their hockey sticks I literally shut it off and cried like a baby can you fucking imagine and they have people in the booth during the show Can you fucking imagine? And they have people in the booth during the show. Anyways. Like so many around the world, this is the guy who organizes the thing.

Like so many around the world, we are horrified and outraged. Here we go, virtue signaling. And outraged by what we've, and by the way, the fact that they hate Russia so much, and yes, we all agree what they're doing is absolutely wrong, but the left, they can't fucking get it up with this. They're trying to justify, you know, when they accuse Trump of being a, they, you know, the world, we are horrified and outraged by what we've seen and learned from the reporting in Ukraine. Tom Grilk, chief of the Boston Athletic Association, which organizes the marathon, said this in early April. He said, we believe that running is a global sport.

And as such, we must do what we can to show our support to the people of Ukraine. Shut up! Shut, shut, shut, shut, shut up! Shut up! However, Russians or Belarusian runners who don't live in those countries will be allowed to participate in today's race. Duh. The BAA, I guess it's the Boston Athletic Association, it's races and events will not recognize the country affiliation.

Fixing my tie. This guy's got me in a fluffle. Affiliation or flag of Russia or Belarus until further notice. The 2022 Boston Marathon, BAA 5K, they won't recognize it there. I ran the 5K. They won't recognize it there. I ran the 5K. And BAA Invitational Mile. Do not include any professional or invited athletes from Russia or Belarus. Groke continued.

Well, isn't he a tough guy, huh? You bitch. Groke and his crew are horrified by what they see going on in Ukraine, as opposed to the rest of us that are gut-lapping. But in a wild twist, they don't seem to be horrified by what—anytime you see this type of virtue signaling at this level, there's always going to be a piece of hypocrisy behind it. They get over their skis, as people like to say. seem to be horrified by what continues to take place in China where sanctions by the U.S. State Department have been levied again on officials over a U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum's report of the Chinese putting the Uyghurs through forced sterilization, torture, and enslavement, to name a few of the abuses still going on in that fine country.

No, no, no, not wah. No, no, no. Chicken and broccoli. Browse up. Did you get that, sweetheart? Don't fuck it up now. No! No, I mean the mean. Orange chicken. Did you get that, sweetheart? Don't fuck it up now. No! No mint-a-mean!

Orange chicken! So, once again, Boston, again, the woke. They're taking a lesson out of LeBron James' book. Apparently China, where there's money to be made, will overlook. Mr. Grilk, you fucking hypocrite. Yet one of today's race sponsors is Wanda Group. I love how they almost give it a woman's name. Wanda Group, which is said to get this, have close ties to the Chinese Communist Party.

Wanda Group isn't just some minor sponsor. It is right there on the marathon sponsor website. Are you kicking the Chinese runners out? No, you're taking money good. Right. It's on there. The Amazon, Citgo, JetBlue and more. Tom Grok is such a woke warrior that in 2021, he held a rally against Asian hate. Get this. And then didn't ban Chinese runners as their leaders continued a genocide against the Uyghurs. What a tough guy, Tommy. You fucking hypocrite.

Exactly, Carmela. Now shut it. See that? They get so woke, they forget. Anyways, really kicking the shit out of Putin. I bet you he'd be scared. Here's a tweet from Tom Grillick. Pleased to join Asian American runners at the Boston Marathon starting on for a rally run against Asian hate, whatever the fuck that is, and for human respect among all.

Do you think you're breaking new ground with any of this, you virtue signaling putz? Wearing a shirt from 2019 Lanzhou China International Marathon where goodwill and respect for all predominated. I didn't even know the fucking last part.

I lost my shit. Lanzhou. Don't you have a house in Lanzhou? Have you? Yeah. Dallas's house in Lanzhou. He got it. He's in the military. He's all over the place.

Anyways, the race was horrible yesterday. A lot of people out of shape. Here's a couple of guys. It's near the end. It was 21 hours, and they were crossing the finish line. Take a look. Damn! Y'all fat fuck, look at you.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, stop, oh, stop, oh, oh, oh, oh. Did that not look like the Hindenburg Only Without Flames? This is horrible. Remember the guy? This is a disaster. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Kenny Rogerson, a comedian friend of mine, used to go to the Boston Marathon and stand out on the street. And you know how they hand out cups

of water? He would put Stollys in his. Little vodka. I know you kids love the Tito's. Anyways, cocaine. I tell you, I never liked that guy. For all I know, he had my friend Angel Fanatis kill.

Hey, guys, if you haven't already, please take a moment and sign up at thecomicsgym.com to get my exclusive encore show. Today I'll be talking about CBS shareholders, and you know what? Moonves. What's his first name? How do I know?

Oh, come on. Les. Les Moonves. Anyways, I'll be talking about CBS shareholders. Hashtag MeToo settlement. It just won't go away. Again, Les Moonves was a player and one of the most powerful guys in TV. To get access to that story, just click on any of the Encore episodes and sign up at the Sonny Michael or Vito levels.

You'll also get discounts off Nick DiPaolo Show merchandise and access to the Nick DiPaolo Show voicemail line where you can leave a question or a thought that I'll play and address on the show. I think we actually got one from today. Hey, Nick. Besides that time you got KO'd by that woman, sucker punched, what is

one or two of your worst shows you've ever done or altercations while on stage in an event? Take care. Love the show. Thank you. I bitch slapped your sister for heckling me at the Montreal Forum.

First of all, I like this guy, but why did you say knocked out, KO'd by a woman when you knew it was a sucker punch, didn't even know she was standing there? You pissed me off, my friend. Oh, boy. Got to get these pulled. I'm getting nice fake ones like Biden. Some of the work, well, I had a couple other incidents, what's the guy's name, I'm gonna do this right, I don't even know your name, we didn't fucking, anyhow, let's get the

name next time, some of the worst, one of my worst shows was opening for Paul Anka, I told you that story, the average age was 109. You probably know who he is, right, Dale? He wrote The Tonight Show. And Having My Baby. All those rock and roll hits. But it was a theater in the round, and I was opening, and 2,500 people. And they were, I'm not shitting you,

when I got there, I saw people with oxygen tanks. I was going, oh my God. I'd only been doing comedy about a year and a half, had a filthy, you know. And the stage rotated. I was getting dead silence and going around like a piece of chicken burning in a microwave. You're just people looking through the window. I was so nervous, I put my drink down.

I thought it was part, I thought it was on the stage. But it was, you know what I'm saying? Yes. Dallas, I'm like this. I go to reach back and it's 180 degrees and I get caught in my mouth. And I got in a couple fights, which I don't say they're horrible. I never start or provoke anything. And this is when I was younger anyways. Both plays called giggles. I've told these stories before. But that's about it. Me and Akim are going at it pretty good.

It giggles right outside of August Mass, right in the middle of the room, like a hockey fight. We had each other by the shirts. And Lenny Clark, God bless his soul, at the time weighed about 340. Guy's lighter than me now, I swear to God. Weighed about 340. He was the host. He comes in. He sees me in midair. He goes, Nicky, no!

Then he tackles all of us. Tables tipping over. Mugs are sliding off shelves like a good old western brawl. And I had to be walked back in Sacramento to a hotel, be escorted by two cops because apparently the pickup truck had guys that wanted to kill me.

They were acting like cunts, so were their girlfriends, so I told them. It's a dangerous situation. Anyways, that's it. Thank you for the question, brother man. Let's move on, shall we? Oh, I'm still reading my promo. Jesus Christ, who am I, Mike Lindell? These sheets are made of cat piss and dirt.

I get them in the Nile. I have little black kids tied to a loom. My slippers. Guy puts the word my in front of anything. It's his. My radio. I'm making my trees. Again, you can only get this as a member on thecomicsgym.com.

So if you haven't already signed up there, please do so now. This, without a doubt, is the best way you can support this show. Please do that, could you? We're raising money for kids who have twisted little legs. Next story, the headline. Jesus Christ, what happened? A student, this one, I'm sorry, it made me laugh. It's kind of sad, but God help us. A student has died during a reenactment of Jesus Christ crucifixion,

which the audience reportedly thought was part of the performance. Oh, my God. This kid apparently was a method actor. I am like God and God like me. I am as large as God. He is as small as I. He cannot above me nor I. Beneath him be.

Seragious 17th century. That was my best man speech when my brother got married. Nobody like it. Sewell Ambrose is the poor kid's name, 25 years old. And oh, look, a good one. An undergrad... Come on, Dallas, you're from Alabama. They should have killed you. Sewell Ambrose, 25, an undergraduate at Clarendian. Hey, that's a drug for... Isn't that for when you got allergies?

Clarendon University of Nigeria. Oh, but it's the one in Naked. They played Michigan in the Super Bowl, the Orange Bowl Cup. The poor guy fell down during the Passion of the Christ performance, according to Nigerian newspaper Vanga. I love how people, if it's a comedian, and I guess they don't know, but they always think it's part of the act, you know. You could get shot, you could, your head could get blown off like fucking Kennedy's, and they go, no, that's fake. You know what I mean? your head could get blown off like fucking Kennedy's and they go, no, that's fake.

You know what I mean? But we actually have footage of this poor kid. We used to do this at home. Every Easter, my father would make us do this. Sure enough, my mother fell off the cross and broke her collarbone, so we can't do it no more, but check this out. I am. no more but check this out He was laying on the floor and he was quoted as saying, It's freedom, baby, yeah.

Wait a minute. Now he died from that? That's technically not him on the cross. Oh, no, he's playing St. Peter. He's playing St. Peter. Well, did Jesus land on him? I don't think this is a part of it at all. This is just a video from like seven years ago.

Oh, really? Yeah. Are you sure? I thought it was part of the... That would have been hilarious. So how does he die? They don't even tell us in the article, do they? How St. Peter died. I mean, the guy playing... You'd think as an apostle you'd be protected.

I know they're union guys. Are they not? You'd be surprised. Anyways, that was Jesus slipping down. The tragedy is said to have happened on Good Friday, and people can imagine you're doing something. This is why. I don't know.

What's that green thing? Point to where he's at. Oh, most people use an arrow. We're using a pool floaty. A noodle. Yeah, a noodle. Thank you. Why is Michael Jackson at the fucking middle of the table?

Look at Michael Jackson. Listen, my brothers. I'm a quick... Listen to me. I'm here to save you. Sure, I wrote a song called Dirty Diana. It's none of your fucking business. And there's Mutombo on the left

telling him how to hit a jump shot. Anyways, this happened on Good Friday. People watching the play thought it was a joke. on the left, telling him how to hit a jump shot. Anyways, this happened on Good Friday. People watching the play thought it was a joke. Again, what a dumb article. They don't tell us what happened to the kid, how he... And couldn't the guy that was playing Jesus bring him back to life? My mother told me I wasn't very religious. I was supposed to live, honest to God,

my mother goes to church still every Sunday. She said I'm supposed to live my life the way Jesus lived his. Oh, thanks for setting the bar real low, ma. Jesus walked on water, for Christ's sake. Jesus rose from the dead. I can't get up before noontime after six Miller Lights. Jesus actually forgave the people

that nailed him to the cross. I haven't talked to my best friend since high school because he spilled Yoo-Hoo on my letter jacket. There's more to that bet. I can't remember anymore. Back to the show. De Niro thought it was funny. Big fan of mine. But the student began bleeding after falling,

and people realized it was not in jest. Is that what it took? His brain to spill out before he knew it wasn't a joke? And was taken to a hospital, but it is Africa, so apparently they were out of leeches, and fucking the doctor with a bone through his nose was out. Nick, why do you... Because it's a joke and everybody knows it.

The Daily Star reports a source at the newspaper said, at the time the incident occurred, everybody came together and rushed the deceased to a school hospital. That's where you want to go, to a school hospital. What is this fucking Napoleon Dynamite? Do you got any chapstick? My lips hurt real bad. Anyways, to a school hospital.

When the case became worse, he was taken to a nearby federal medical center. You might have wanted to start there first. You know what I mean? Get them through the critical, then bring them over to the cafeteria. The university has yet to issue any more information about the tragedy. Jesus Christ's injuries are well documented. They bring this in, this part that this is actual talking about real Christ. Jesus Christ's injuries are well documented documented we have the x-rays he had a cat scan on his thorn hat no

well done you know I'm gonna die on the way home well documented in a religious text with a nail said to have been hammered through his hands and feet. There's your Messiah. The Bible says he was speared by a Roman, always blaming the Guineas, by a Roman soldier and collapsed while being made to carry the cross. But there are theories his cause of death arose from a separate injury. Yeah, the Romans got blamed, and here's a Roman lawyer.

Get this through your head, you. Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker, you. Mr. Ambrose was playing the part of Peter the Apostle when he collapsed. Well, what made him collapse? Did Peter the Apostle own a dirt bike?

But not only that, we go from going into the Bible the way they're telling it, then we go right back to Ambrose. Then we go right back to the crucifixion. I know! Who writes this shit? A reading from a reading from St. Peter to the Corinthians.

I'm dying! The crucifixion or the act of being tied or nailed to a cross is famously how Jesus met his fate. But one scientist now believed the fatal moment actually happened before the Roman nails pierced his skin. Doctor turned priest, oh boy, probably a proctologist,

wasn't seeing enough asshole. Doctor turned priest, Reverend Professor Patrick Pulicino, oh no, and I tell, if that guy is not the priest and the exorcist, oh my God, believes Jesus may have died as a result of complications of COVID-19. Come on! From a shoulder wound. Wait a minute. And from being stretched out on the cross. Yeah, well, I'll go with the stretched out on the cross part. That tends to kill people.

I've had both shoulders rebuilt, sir. He based his evidence from the controversial Turin Shroud. You want to see a Turin Shroud? Go look at my sheets. I'm still having night sweats from that goddamn chink virus, and I'm leaving coffee stains in my bed anyways he came up with that theory from it you know the Turin Shroud if you know what that is that's the sheet they put over Jesus when they rushed him to Beth Israel Hospital and in particular from the analysis of the

shoulder position really he died from a is he day- day to day? The Antichrist. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood. I think you do, Father Ron. Let's move on. That was too depressing. I hope, I just can't believe they can write a story and not tell us how the main guy. Let's get away from that and go back to contemporary times with things. I think Jesus, let me tell you something.

Can I ask you a question? Can I ask a question? If Jesus was going to come back, wouldn't now be a great time, I mean, if he doesn't come back now, does he ever really, even he's going, I'm not going down there, fucking mess, you got Putin, fucking emojis with pregnant guy, what the fuck is going on, Pete Davidson's fucking Kim Kardashian, I ain't going down there. Homo emojis. A recent software update for Apple's phones includes a pregnant man. Again, this came out a while ago,

but now it's released on the different, you know, the later version of the phones. Includes a pregnant man emoji as well as a number of other... Are they trolling us? Is that what Steve Jobs... No, he's dead. Is that what they're doing though, the people at Apple and all the fucking Silicon Valley faggots? They have a bunch of other gender neutral emojis, cartoons, whatever

the fuck you want to call them. And where is my thing? Whatever the fuck you want to call him and where is my thing? Apple rolled out the update in mid-March, according to the Wall Street Journal, adding the pregnant emoji as well as gender-neutral person with crown emoji to go alongside the King and Queen cartoons. Apple also added 35 other emojis. cartoons. Apple also added 35 other emojis. Apple first rolled out the pregnant man and pregnant person emoji in January as part of an optional update, but it came to all users. Oh, thank God with the, you know, the 15.4 update. God help us. Why is everyone so fucking stupid? Why aren't more people interrogating like me? The decision to roll out the new emoji was met with criticism and mockery from many,

oh, conservatives. First of all, there's no more conservatives left in the country. They call Fox conservative. I guess anybody who kind of approaches the truth is conservative. The last conservative was like fucking, what's his name, Buckley. Fox News host Greg Gutfeld, hey, me, my buddy. Greg Gutfeld praised the emoji as a step toward acceptance for men with bear guts.

Yes, thank God, finally, it's here, he said. A bear gut emoji has arrived to Apple iPhones with its latest voluntary update. And this new emoji comes in five different skin tones. So someone with a massive bear gut can be any shade that he or she wants to be. And can you imagine, this is what we're talking about in the United States as people for Ukraine are fucking running for their lives. North Korea is talking about bombing South Korea today. But let's focus on this. Folks, you know this is all a distraction. We have to talk about it because it's real. It's on your

phone. But I'm saying you understand, right? The government feeds us all the, keeps us discussing about, well, Biden goes in the dumper. Do you understand distraction, wag the dog, you fucking, all that poo-poo, do you? I know you do. Look at the two. And again, I can't tell. that looks like two pregnant guys to me or a couple of you know fucking uh dallas cowboy fans i don't know ah the homosexuals

that's not homosexual these are tranny type things well don't forget the beta emojis that they're working on right now we gotta sneak peek at those oh that's right we got beta emojis that they're working on right now. I've got to sneak peek at those. Oh, that's right. We've got beta emojis coming out. Check out these. Oh, my wife drew that one. Look at the pubes. That's supposed to be like a dress shirt. I've got a collar around it.

That's pretty good girth. Go ahead. Oh, for Christ's sake. This is that's supposed to be pubic hair. Pretty good girth. Go ahead. Oh, for Christ's sake. This is, uh... That's supposed to be pubic hair. I guess. Either that or it's a map of Belarus.

And finally, my agent, Saul Leibowitz. Nick, what kind of... I'm joking, and you know it. Don't get all upset. Anytime. La, la, la. Folks, make sure to grab an official Nick DiPaolo Show t-shirt, a hat, or mug for yourself or someone else today. Purchasing merch is another way to help support this show and also be the best-dressed guy or gal or anything in between in your town. I was so happy to see so many of you wearing the shirts

and hats at the shows in Connecticut last weekend at Mohegan Sun. It did. It made my day. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store, and you click on the store. I guarantee you see my wife in there shopping. I'm telling

you. I'm telling you. No kids. Anyways, final story tonight. I got your pronoun right here. Kind of related to what we just talked about. An Ohio professor won $400,000 after suing a university. We talked about this when it happened. Over the academic institution's demand that the professor use a student's preferred pronouns.

Oh, my God. Did they ever leave it alone for five minutes ever? Fucking quiz. All right. Take it easy. That's the professor on the left. And here's what, what happened? Well, the, you basically have it. You're exactly right. The student approached me after class and said that he wanted to be referred to as a female. And I tried to find an accommodation with the student. I was willing to use his proper name, female proper name. And initially, the administration was willing to go along with that. But then the administration changed course and demanded that I defer to the

ideology that I refer to the student as a female and I simply could not do that. I thought it was an egregious assault on my freedom of speech and my religious beliefs. You are correct, sir. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. See that slippery slope? You know what's happening? Gay people, LGBT, all these so-called conservative assholes 30, 40 years ago, the Christian right, said they didn't want to give in to this shit because they said slippery slope type shit. And you know what? They were right on the money. I'm not saying be homophobic. That's not my fucking, I don't give a fuck. It doesn't affect me. But give an inch, you're taking a fucking mile. And that's what you're doing.

affect me. But give an inch, you're taking a fucking mile, and that's what you're doing. Teaching this shit to kids that aren't your own, this type of shit. That's slippery slope shit. They happen to be fucking right. Not the ones who get pissed, you know, just because you're gay, but you see what I'm saying. Okay? Okay. They weren't totally wrong. Make fun of Pat Robertson all you want. I got a poster of him in my kitchen. Anyhow, I believe, is this him talking, the professor? That God created men and women, male and female, but also the idea that my speech could be coerced, could be compelled by the administration. The college classroom is to be a place of debate and discussion. Where have you been? Yeah, 1978.

Debate and discussion and freewheeling ideas. The university has no place in telling professors how they are to think with the students. It was a coercion of my freedom of speech. This year we're going to grab the bull by the balls and kick those punks off campus. Based in Portsmouth, Ohio, Shawnee State, again, I played for them, I returned punts in 1981. Shawnee State University reportedly punished Meriwether, the teacher, in 2018 for not addressing a transgender student with the student's preferred gender pronouns. That's when all this stuff started to take place.

Throwing your son looks like a fag to me. That's where they got him. The university said that it was Meriwether's job to use such language. Who do they think they're... And therefore not First Amendment protected speech. Meriwether pushed back, arguing that officials at the university violated his rights when they compelled him

to go against his Christian beliefs. End of story. Do you fucking believe it? Do you believe it? That's where we are. They couldn't even defend that one. Can you imagine? The faculty.

Do you guys just please, don't call them universities anymore or colleges. Call them what the indoctrination plants, whatever. It's just Marxism. You're sending your kid off to fucking Marxist boot camp. That's all you're doing. And you'll see when they come home after freshman year, when you go past the turkey Tom I am dying now dad

you mother you know that type of shit just think of that don't send your kids anymore until something again we need anarchy from the right I'm not kidding

that's the only way it's going to change Dallas knows he's been in the army that is it for today again thank you guys for joining us. Don't forget to sign up at thecomicsgym.com, and thank you, my fan, for calling in today. Don't forget patreon.com. You can

sign up there, too. Nickdip.com. Click on the tour button to see where I'll be. And obviously, my favorite is cameo.com. If you want me to roast a friend or a relative, go to Cameo.com, click on my profile. They will tell you what to do. I'll make a little video on my phone, send it to the person.

That is it. You guys think and I'll say it. You are very welcome. We will see you back here tomorrow at the same time. Take care. guitar solo guitar solo Thanks for watching!