The Nick DiPaolo Show - Biden Welcomes 65 Terrorists | Nick Di Paolo Show #1443

Episode Date: August 14, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Fire Island, Biden's response to Fire Island and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com

🎵 What should you call the group of dancers in a ballet? Silly savages. Paul Trofals studies at the University of Wisconsin show that you'll probably live longer if you love only one man or woman at a time. But it is all right to alternate. You big fag. How many men on a hockey team? About half.

Apparently Obama feels that way, too. We'll get to that in a few seconds he's a big girl but we knew it yeah he dreamed about it i don't know but i mean you see him with a bike helmet on wearing his mother-in-law's jeans come on he sucks a prick i'll do respect not for nothing this guy sucks balls all right how are you folks great to be with you on a monday you're lucky i'm here why i get covered for the third time that's right a goddamn plane we talked about it remember i told you we were short from the runway they right i talked about the bad weather we couldn't get off because it was lightning and i sent the text to my wife that you saw right said the lady behind me just

sneezed nine times in a fucking row and that text following that was would you like me to order you Chinese I think that was it that followed it or triggered my text I know yeah my wife said would you want Chinese and and I didn't make the connection Dallas did that's how I know I'm sick he's like yeah well there you go the China connection yeah and not to man I didn't make the connection. Dallas did. That's how I know I'm sick. He's like, yeah, well, there you go, the China connection. Yeah, and not to mention, I didn't even mention the guy hacking up a lung. He's got, like, two seats behind me. And I'm sitting, and fucking, you know how I am. It's like when I'm on stage.

As John Gotti said in that movie, if a caterpillar farts in Egypt, they can fucking hear it on these microphones. I pick up everything. I can feel the coughing and the fucking, it's just a Petri dish. You're rubbing your balls in it. Fucking, ugh. So anyways, I wake up when? Friday morning? I don't know. Soaked in the middle of the night and the old, got that weird chill. I want to get out of bed to piss because, you know, I'm 61. I do that 14 times a night now. And I'm like, I can't. I'm freezing. And I knew I had

something. And I get up, I'm trying to pee, and I'm hitting the windows and the towels. And I go back to bed. You can't, like, it's inside you. You can't, when you get that chill, it starts like at the ass pipe, but it comes up. Some Chinese disease. I don't know what it is.

And sure enough, man, I get fucking next day, I feel like I'm half dead. I told the wife, give me a fucking swab of the nostrils. She yelled at me. I didn't know you're not supposed to lick them after. I gave it a little. No, but sure enough. Delicious.

Delicious. Bon appetit. Sure enough, it came up an emoji with a Chinese face. Positive as a motherfucker. And then you wait 48 hours before you do it again. Positive again. And then I go, damn, this was in the fucking military. You can't kill this guy. I might, I don't know.

The protocol is when you test positive, you can go back, but you're supposed to wait five days. This is day four. Don't sue me. Anyway, so thank you, chinks. Why do you call it a chink disease? Well, came from China.

Came from China. Pretty sure I got it off a doorknob at the Panda Express. Came from China. Pretty sure I got it off of Dawn off of the Panda Express. Lots of people. Still can't get that. It sounds like George Kirby. Anyways, Red Sox, fucking P.U. Well, they took two series.

You don't drop a game to the Royals or the Tigers, but they took two out of three from both those stink balls. And Atlanta, let's admit it. Atlanta right now, hand them the trophy. Those fuckers are not playing games. And I don't see them slowing down either. 21-3 against the Mets on a doubleheader. Oh, come on.

It's like beating a girls' softball team this year. Let's not brag about that. That's the least of their fucking accomplishments. But it's always good for the Braves to smack around the Mets. That's, you know, Chipper Jones' home jerking it right now. Remember how he used to own the fucking... He named his kid Shea. Do you know that?

He named his kid Shea because of Shea Stadium. Holy fuck. I got a cousin Fenway. My drunk uncle had tickets and... What? Let's get to it. Since the headline is Fire Island, that might not mean anything to you guys. I got a cousin Fenway. My drunk uncle had tickets. What? Let's get to it. Since the headline is Fire Island, that might not mean anything to you guys.

That's an island gay people love to go to in New York. You know, right out there somewhere off in New York. Colin Quincy. By the way, part of it's a gay. Big gay hangout. The rest of it, I guess, is normal. People still, you know, fuck normal. I'm kidding, gay. You know gay people. I got more gay friends, like I said, than Michael

Strahan and Kelly Ripa combined. I am sweating right now. Oh my God. As like we say, like the Pope at a Little League game. Good night, everybody. Your sister's ball. Look at him fucking hallucinating. Where was I? Fire Island.

I'm talking about Hawaii. That's horrible, by the way. Not a big fan. They don't like white people, but they don't deserve this. Loy is investigating the cause of the massive Maui fire, wildfires. I thought, my first thought, Don Ho's grandson, alcoholic, he's lighting farts at the La Quinta Inn in the Big Island. I don't even know what that means. The cause of the massive Maui fires that killed 93 people and two cans of poi.

Claim the blaze was the result of damaged equipment owned by Hawaiian Electric. Counselor? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Counselor? Yeah. Oh, yeah. They haven't proven that yet, but all evidence, videos, witness accounts, burn progression and utility equipment remaining points to Hawaiian Electric's equipment being the ignition source of the fire that devastated La Hanya. that devastated La Hanya, Michael Watts, M-I-K-A-L, and don't think they did that intentionally. They just don't know how to spell who's they. Shut up.

Anthony Hardaway, that's who. Michael Watts, whose Watts Gatter firm is among three investigating the fire, told Bloomberg. Singleton Schreiber and France Law, are they friends with Mike Hostelow down here at the France Law Group? Oh, the law groups agree that it's a... All the lawyers have already pointed the finger. It's real early and a lot of convenient pointing. Isn't it amazing how they can come up

with the answers that quickly when there's money involved? They agree saying their probes have... I am actually... I got sweat here and under here like a fat lady at the circus. Their probes have reached the same conclusion that Hawaiian Electric's damaged infrastructure sparked the flames that destroyed the resort city of La Jaina last week. Hawaiian, I just hope the guy who won American Idol, the fat fuck, I hope he's alright. Hawaiian Electric, which serves

95% of the state's residents. What happened to the other five? Fuck you. Fucking sweat your balls off. Said in a statement, it has yet to determine the cause of the fire since much of the area remains closed off following the deadliest U.S. wildfire

for over a century. Really? Worse than someone on California? Officials have yet to say what caused the fires with Governor... The fucking lawyers know. With Governor Josh Green warning investigations could take weeks or months

as his state reels from what he does... I got a burp here kicking me in the chest for the last five minutes. Fucking like a baby that's had strained peaches. What he described as his largest ever natural disaster. Take a look at this horrible, you got to feel for these people. That's me and my wife in Aruba on a honeymoon. Again, go ahead.

Show the fucking footage. Look at, you couldn't do this type of damage with a nuke. I mean, insane. Where do you start? People had to jump into the freaking ocean. Tried doing that like in the Mississippi, that catches on fire. Fucking oil slicks and all the illegals. Look at that. I've never been, by the way. No, I can't go. It's ruined. But that

is, what do you, seriously, what do you? Well, I'm sure the insurance companies would be right there for the people. The finger pointing at Hawaiian Electric comes as the company faces a wave of criticism for not turning off power to its Maui electric branch, despite warnings of ideal fire conditions forecasted by incoming dry hurricane force winds. What we've got here is failure to communicate.

The tactic of cutting power in such conditions was followed by utility companies in California. Oh, my God, they got it right. Oregon and Nevada in the wake of devastating blazes of 2020. So something smells fishy here. I'm going to find out what the hell happens here. You know what I'm saying? Fucking, well, the climate change people. I wonder how long it took for them to point to this and go, see?

I wonder how long it took for them to point to this and go, see? Prior to the Maui fires, Hawaiian Electric said gale force winds had taken down power lines in the area. The governor said at least 2,200 buildings were damaged or destroyed in West Maui. The total damage estimated at nearly 6 billion. Most of the destroyed buildings were in residential areas. At least, and this is going to go up this number, this is what's horrible. At least 93 people have died in the wake of the Maui wildfires that started late Tuesday. We've still got dead bodies floating on the seawall.

One behind your residence told Hawaii News now. They've been sitting there since last night. And you know that number's going up because they haven't searched everything. And what compounded the horror was there was a hurricane that wasn't far away. And gale force winds were picking up and feeding it.

But me and Dallas think they're the government leader. Anyways, let's go to... I'm just telling you it's where mine goes. I got no proof of it. But anyways, why didn't the alarm go off? They have an alarm anytime somebody lights a cigarette. They shoot this alarm and fucking

to let people know. So that's kind of odd. Anyways, in the second half of the show, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to be talking about, you know, Black Friday sale that happens in December? What happened in August at a mall in, I think, Topania, was it Topania? San Fernando Valley. San Fernando Valley.

Black Friday sale, if you know what I'm saying. And also I'll be talking about Obama apparently dreams about cock. I don't know. He said it in a letter 40 years ago. Delicious. Spoken right from Dallas's gooey lips.

That's exclusively on Mug Club, so go to nickdip.com and join now and help the kids. The kids that I fathered in a hotel right outside of the Funny Bone in Jacksonville 48 years

ago. Met one of them last night, Lakeisha. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store.. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store.

Again, that's nickdip.com, click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Nothing, Dallas? All right. I'm sweating. Wait till you see these. Oh, there you go.

Right now I have a waterfall dongle. My ass cracked. It's like a, what do you call a flute? A flume. A flute. Yeah, Nick, it's a flute. Yeah, it's a fucking wind instrument. I've lost my mind.

Been binging on Seinfeld episodes. When that show was on network, I was on a comedy club every night. And yes, I've seen most of them in reruns, but I forgot how goddamn fucking funny some of that shit really is. I know Kramer and Michael Richards, but fucking Jason Alexander. Oh my God, did he hit that one out of the park?

And I gotta love Jerry for handing out, fuck it here. I want the show to be huge. He smirks through every line. Every time I give him a funny line, he's laughing through it. Anyways, God bless him. What am I talking about? I digress.

I'm losing it right now. Dallas has a lizard head. Jesus. Anyways, let's move on, shall we? It says the read Joe Biden. It's supposed to be real. Thanks for correcting that. The read Joe Biden.

The real Joe Biden. Presidential Biden. Presidential Biden. First of all, those two words don't belong in the same. President Biden offered a stony-hearted no comment Sunday. This is actually an amendment to the story I just did. Dinkweed here. His reaction to what we just talked about.

A stony-hearted no comment when asked about the mounting death toll and the catastrophic Maui wildfire. He said, they of Vermont is beautiful. I'm sad that the deadliest U.S. wildfire in more than a century, and he said that's almost 60 years, after sunning himself on a beach near his Delaware fucking home. People are literally jumping in the ocean to save themselves. Dickweeds having Dr. Jill rub number 40 on his

nutsack. Fucking Mama Luke. Look, he's sitting on a doily. There's his bald, stupid head. And the press is trying to ask him questions as he was leaving. I don't want to talk to you. Get away from me. The commander-in-chief gave the unsympathetic non-answer

as the death toll climbed to 96 late Sunday. Imagine? No comment. Might as well have said, fuck him. I'm at the beach. Don't bother me. At least he's honest. He doesn't give two fucks. Never did, even when he was young. He's a piece of shit.

So is his wife. And so is anybody who voted for him. Take that to the bank, even though nobody's watching that fucking voter. Excuse me. Don't stop anything. I just want you guys to hear this. Oh, my God, that was delicious.

That was like boysenberry pancake. After a couple hours on the Rehoboth Beach, at POTUS was asked about the rising death toll. Oh, you know why it's so hot in here also? I was supposed to come in this weekend and work out, but I got COVID. I told Dallas to shut off the system over the weekend because I was going to come in and cool it down anyway. Dallas got here.

It was 95. I come in, he's naked at his computer. Asked about the rising death toll in Hawaii. Bloomberg reporter Justin Sink. I went to school with his sister, Kitchen. Quack, quack, quack. Justin Sink wrote on X. All right, let's call it Twitter.

X ain't working. The social media site formerly known as Prince. Fucking stupid. No comment, he said, before heading home. That's what he said. They go, hey, a bunch of babies died in a fire in Hawaii. What do you think? Fuck them.

Fuck them in the ass. Before heading home, added the White House correspondent, who also posted a photo of Biden 80 lounging with a group of people in the distance. Look at that motherless. You shit-kicking, stinky horseman horse smelling motherfucker you the grim tally which is expected to rise as

search and rescue operations frantically continue made the Inferno Hawaii's worst natural disaster since that kid won American Idol something songy bungy during a bike ride early Sunday, Biden did a fucking front handstand

like Pee Wee Herman, landed on his 48-year-old spine. I mean, 140. Gave a similar unfailing answer when asked about the tragedy. He goes, they asked him again, we're looking at it. Through what, a telescope?

From fucking Air Force One? What are you talking about, shit stain? Everybody's looking at it. What are you a telescope from fucking Air Force One. What are you talking about shit stain? Everybody's looking at it. What are you going to do about it? We're looking at it. You can ask somebody like on the corner in front of a bodega in New York that, yeah, I heard about it. Republican Carrie Lake, who I still want to

bang. Yeah, absolutely. Who lost her 2020 2022 bid to be Arizona's governor. Jesus Christ. The COVID's dripping in my eyes. Ripped the commander in chief. This is why I love this broad. She goes, one of the most beautiful places on earth has been reduced to cinders.

And at Joe Biden can't be bothered to care. Putting America first means getting this joker out of the White House. Lake wrote on X. The president rode his bike to the beach while the people of Lahaina, Hawaii dug through the ashes of their shattered community. Dallas, your ride's here. And Nick, wait a minute, they're heading to Hawaii. Are they going to? And Nero fiddled. You're calling him Nero? How dare you insult Nero?

And Joe can't play an instrument. In other words, it is cock. And Nero fiddled with, well, Rome Burns, she added. Biden in a nutshell. East Palestine, no comment. Maui, no comment. MAUI, no comment. Ukraine, send them another $24 billion. Another Twitter user wrote, which is right on the goddamn money.

He ain't going to get it. He's not going to be the nominee. I've been saying it, folks, how long? I'm telling you. Bad man walking. Dallas knows the music already. That was done, by the way way by what do you call it you know

flute let's move on so yeah he's a well what's his new he's a cold hearted piece of shit Joe isn't it wouldn't that be like

the response though of Stalin back in the day whoever aren't they kind of no whatever yeah busy exterminating people where are we headed Stalin back in the day, whoever. Aren't they kind of, no? Whatever. Yeah.

I'm busy exterminating people. Where are we headed, folks? Nobody's even talking about how this is going to be the most interesting election ever. When the guy who's leading both parties in the polls might be in jail or not on the ballot. If that doesn't lead to some type of fucking, and I mean some serious right-wing, you know, I don't want to condone anything or push anything. Picnics. Thank you.

Exactly. Some gatherings, you know. I don't want to say mobs. That's racial, and you call 400 black kids running into a footlocker a mob. Apparently it's a large gathering. No, a large gathering is

20,000 people waiting for Lionel Ritchie to show up this weekend at Madison Square Garden and he cancels a couple hours before. See that? Even a nice guy is just a fucking diva. Anyways, I had tickets. I was flying in. I got that. Men Without flying in. I got that.

Men Without Hats coming up. Yes, sweat. COVID. Oh, goodness. That's Kramer. Cherry. Hey, for those of you guys on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show.

Why the hell wouldn't you? Everyone else, you go to nickdip.com and join Mug Club to get my full show, Steven Crowder's full show, I'm back to work, right, and a whole lot more. You got Brian Callen now, Alex Jones, I mean, Jesus, he's put together murder's row here. guitar solo Bye.