The Nick DiPaolo Show - Biden's Balloon Busts | Nick Di Paolo Show #1348

Episode Date: February 6, 2023

Patel For President. Balloons and Trump. Chappelle Wins Grammy.   Get bonus content by joining Nick on Patreon! www.patreon.com/thenickdipaoloshow Go see Nick live! www.nickdip.com/tour for tickets!            

🎵 Oh yeah, how are you folks? Welcome to the show. I'm gonna cough already. Leave that right there. All right Alright How you doing? It's Filthy Monday Welcome to the big show Just back from, I don't mean to brag, but Lowell, Arkansas Tremendous, tremendous trip I'll tell you, so much different than the other 4,000 I've taken Only this time Dallas was with me

To see the fucking The Hollywood lifestyle I lead. Getting up fucking 5.30 at my house and it's raining out. Oh, it was terrific. Fucking babies on both flights. Not one, both. Not crying just here and there. Complete flight.

First one two and a half hours almost. Crying. At least it wasn't behind me like the second flight nice family of Vietnamese people it must have been what a couple with 14 kids ages two to four get that one you missed it um um just young babies and and I saw her crying in the goddamn terminal and guess who sits directly behind? And the baby's chest was filled with duck sauce and COVID and all kinds of mush. I could tell the poor thing had like a chest cold,

screaming like somebody was putting a cigarette out on his hand. Oh, just right. Dallas, you were looking at me. Oh, yeah, it was terrible. I even got a video of you looking back at the camera. Yeah, just trying not to choke a baby. I was going to turn into, you know, I was going to turn into Tom Berringer. And did you just touch my son?

No. You didn't? What the fuck? Oh, I did. No. Tom Berringer in Platoon. I was ready to take out the whole village. Mao! And so Mao! Mao! Actually, I felt bad for them. And they were happy. You know, I mean, they're happy to be in America.

I didn't know, you know, there was someone at such an Asian community. First thing I asked the owner of the club. We'll get to him in a minute. Kind of a weird dude. But anyways, yes. And then on the way home, oh, my aching stem. This young couple gets on, maybe in their 20s, right? They look like they're out of the 40s. He's dressed like Ricky Ricardo. He has a suit jacket on, his shirt buttoned up. She's in an ugly dress that only people buy in Latin America.

And she is not a 10. She's about a 4 facially. And this guy starts singing while holding her hand, singing in Spanish, so the whole goddamn playing, I, again, Nick,

why? Why? They just happy? Maybe they're, I don't, I don't know. I just wanted to kill him. And then he's making out with her.

I hate that when anybody does it. I don't like PDAs. It always, it fucking infuriated me. But he's kissing and he's doing it loud. He's like, even Dallas is fucking looking over. I look at the couple, there's an older couple, not an older couple, a couple my age. I keep calling people older and they're my age. And they're sitting directly behind the Latin lover. And I look at the lady

and I go, what the fuck? And she starts laughing. And her and her husband are shaking their head. And he's kissing her hand. She tries to get up to use the bathroom. He pulls her back down and kissing her face. I mean, what the fuck? Have you ever been with a broad before, Pedro? And dipping his little biscuits in the orange juice. He was dipping the cookies they give you in the orange juice.

That's how I know. I don't know. But everything bugged me about him just the way he had a 11 suit jacket on but he had it buttoned up and i was like i think it was ricky ricotta doing a number at the copa wherever the fuck um and it was just god damn it i look at dallas i, can anybody just get on a fucking plane and steer straight ahead in silence like I do? And why are you bringing your fucking 11-month-old baby? Why are you women hauling your newborns across the fucking country? I'm serious.

I don't know why it's allowed. I really don't. It should be age three. That's the cutoff. Anything below that, take a bus, get in your fucking car. There are other options. I honestly, I don't care if you're going, you sound like a, yeah, I don't get it. It's not fair. I wasn't the only one losing my mind. This baby sounded like it was being tortured.

And I know what that sounds like. I mean, Dallas used to, what? Well, he was in Afghanistan and he brought me some film. But I'm just saying, why is that fucking allowed? God damn it. If you're going to let that be allowed, let me have a cigarette to relax. Fucking A and B. The minute they see me come in the airport, right? I swear to God. It used to be once every 10 flights you get a screaming baby now

It's fucking the minute. I come in the airport. They go hey This is Apollo kick a little Lisa in the stomach and somebody crushes her foot her barefoot and off to the races we go from the time I'm in the cocksucking terminal to the time I land and Yeah, I'm tired of it, and I have a right to complain. I've been doing this my whole fucking life. Keep your fucking babies off the plane. I'm going to raise the age, 21. And no fucking Latin lovers. Jesus Christ.

Selfies and video. Oh my God. It was just, it don't make me good. I don't like. Anyways, a couple of, what do we got? Pictures from the trip? I don't like to look at myself anymore. I used to laugh at my dad. He goes, don't take any pictures of me. Now I know what the fuck he's talking about. Here is me at a cafeteria. Jesus Christ, the head shining. Look at that. The sign fell off and impaled my left hip.

Stuck right in there. Yeah, this is me at the Grove Comedy Club in Lowell, Arkansas. And anything else, Dallas? There we go. I want to buy this off the owner. He owned the tavern next door. And thank you, everybody that came out, by the way,

to the club, all 48. Listen. Look at that. It looks like I'm sitting in Kim Kardashian's bush. Isn't that a great chair? I look like I'm being born. That's me. That's somebody giving birth to me. I came out with a nice fucking Bach beer in my hand.

Holy moly. Anyways, thank you guys at the club and to Bill, who is also a veteran that owns a club. But he's fucking weird. Five minutes after meeting him, he's like, I don't know if I like you or not. And what did I say, Dallas? I said, I don't give a fuck if you like beer.

Then he goes, now I like you. Because that's how I talk to owners and managers, if they want to wise off but I love him because he was a patriot and I said it 18 times but he kept hinting and then he'd stand in the back of the room like this and watch the show but deliberately browbeating and he goes no that's because I'm working no you're not you're standing there watching the fucking show that's not working and he'd go up and do a few minutes. Frustrated comic. But, hey,

any guy that risks his fucking neck for me, he was in the Gulf War, like, you know, and Somalia, where he met Ilhan Omar, took her on a date and punched her in her fat fucking face. So it was a good weekend overall. I made almost $11 to buy my wife

a curling iron for fucking anniversary. Let's get on with the stupid show because I got to go to a... Fucking have my blood drawn because I'm having a physical next week. I hope they find all kinds of monkey pox fucking AIDS. Oh, I got to show you this guy. Let's start with...

This guy, I call him the All-American. Every guy... I don't know if heAmerican. Every guy, I don't know if he's Indian, Pakistani, I don't know what he is, but Patel is the most popular goddamn name. Every cab driver in New York was a Patel or Singh something. But this guy owns a, it was in Austin, somewhere near Austin, Texas, owns a convenience store and the homeless scumbags are just ruining his business. And of course, the city government don't do shit about it because Austin makes New York look fucking conservative. And he's had a goddamn night. This guy made me laugh so goddamn hard. And I think

Miranda Devine, the lady that broke the note, she posted the two rednecks that saw the Chinese balloon. Anyways, check this guy out. And this is how you should handle homeless people. This is how you should feel about them if you own a business. The 7-Eleven owner said the city of Austin isn't doing enough to keep people from soliciting and leaving items on his property. Check it. Patel is the owner of this 7-Eleven at the intersection of East Old Torf and Park Lane. I play the music 24-7 because fuck them that's why fuck them. Patel says this comes as there's been issues with the homeless encampment next

door. These motherfuckers take a big whiff take a smell take a smell right now. You smell it? Shit. You know where the shit is from? From these motherfuckers. They are shitting everywhere around here. Everywhere around here, they shit. He says this music hopes to act as a deterrent. Deterrent? No, I hope it fucking drives them crazy. Fuck these motherfuckers. These motherfuckers. Fuck these motherfuckers. You understanduckers. Fuck these motherfuckers. You understand? You understand what I'm saying?

I say fuck them. Salem stays at the homeless encampment. I can hear it all night. I can hear it during the day. I mean, if I want to go take a shit in peace, I gotta go, I gotta go. Way over there. Patel says since he started playing the music, he has noticed a change. All the customers, they come in to me and they say, thank you, Mr. Patel.

Because they hate these motherfuckers too. Knock, knock. May I have dollar? Knock, knock. Can I have 50 cents? But, but, you don't have opening? No. But why not?

He was the best guy around. Oh, how is he not? Somebody's got to find him. He'll probably be a regular on Howard. No, Stern's a pussy. That guy needs a show. That guy's more American than you and I. I've been to that 7-Eleven. I actually lived near it. The homeless thing was horrible even four years ago. Now, hold on a show. That guy's more American than you and I. I've been to that 7-Eleven. I actually lived

near it. The homeless thing was horrible even four years ago. Now, hold on a second. How do you know that? There's 31 7-Elevens. How do you know that was the one? Because they gave us the corners. Old Torf and I know that 7-Eleven. Did you use the shit there, Dallin? Oh, my God.

Well, God, was he the owner or no? A long time ago? there yeah there's nothing's changed right is that funny you probably met that guy um anyways that's how we feel about the homeless i mean when they're ruining a small per i'm not talking about a single mom with three kids who gets thrown out and is trying to make ends meet. But these drug addict fucks who are laying there, dumping in this, laying in their own shit, fuck them is right. Fucking city does nothing.

Country is just, ugh. Put that guy on the ticket, whether DeSantis or Trump. He's the vice president. You motherfuckers. He goes, take a schmell. Sound of German. Oh, my God. Well, God bless him uh let's go let's move on to some uh news balloons and donald trump is uh they had information suggesting that chinese spy balloons

traveled over the continental united states during the trump administration was discovered after aren't they fucking uh this has already been disproven, by the way, discovered after former President Donald Trump left office, a senior administration official told, yeah, but the balloons that they sent over Trump, weren't they like a caricature? I don't like it. Shoot it down. A defense official on Saturday said Chinese spy balloons briefly traveled over, briefly. They fucking hovered for like a week.

Seriously. Traveled over the United States at least three times during the Trump administration. I don't know. We didn't. Come on. Men, do men.

La la, ding, ding, come on, king. She's lying. Trump and a number of his top national security and defense officials refuted the claim, telling Fox News Digital that it never, never happened.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Would he lie? Look at his face. But on Sunday, a senior administration official told Fox News Digital that U.S. intelligence, not the Biden administration, assesses that the PRC, People's Republic of China, government surveillance balloons transited the continental U.S. briefly at least three times during the prior administration and once that we know of at the beginning of this administration, but never for the duration

of this time or this long. Can you stay categorical? You are fake news. Sir. The official told Fox News that this information was discovered after the Trump administration left. So it did happen, but they were never, the intelligence team never notified Trump.

Why is that? You have to ask yourself again and again. Just the deep state fucking him again. They went undetected. The official Fox News Digital explained that Chinese surveillance balloons are part of a larger pattern. The official said that over the past several years, Chinese balloons have been spotted over countries across five continents, including East Asia, South Asia, Europe. I really did. I thought when they shot it down, I would see like two tons of coke pouring out.

I was thinking it was heading to Hunter Biden's backyard. Meanwhile, you know why this is serious, folks? More serious than if there's some other president there? We know this jerk off Biden is compromised by the Chinese so don't think they don't fucking you know they're like yeah we'll send it over and if we get caught big deal we they probably called them and said look unless you want us to spill uh spill our guts about you and you and your fucking son over here making zillions Let this thing float for a week. Meanwhile, a US official told Fox, Jesus, enough Fox News, on Sunday that a Chinese spy balloon

crashed into the Pacific off the coast of Hawaii four months ago. Really? Those officials said that at least one Chinese spy balloon flew over portions of Texas and Florida during the Trump administration and he said, Biden's son, Hunter Biden. Trump doing great impression. And a friend of mine just asked a good question. How come he can call it a Chinese balloon? Or whatever the fuck. A balloon from China. Not be racist. You lefties, I hope you all die in a fire tonight. Or just your children, not you, so you can suffer. How's that?

Your sister's box. Anyway, speaking of burnt and black, Chappelle wins Grammy. What? Why'd you say that? I, uh, excuse me. Look, I have one point about this. You probably know what it is. And I love Chappelle. Again, you guys know. I think he's one of the best

ever to do it. I don't think Pryor has anything on him. He's smart, funny, and he's a nice guy if you met him, too. But his album, Dave Chappelle, won a Grammy Award Sunday for his comedy album, The Closer, despite continued backlash from transgender activists who have denounced Chappelle and his stand-up act. Chappelle won on a night where the Grammys celebrated people confused sexually and mental illness. Okay, it says transgenderism and nonconformity with an appearance by trans dancer J. LaRose Sullivan,

who's very good. I'm going to have her at my wife's birthday in July. Or him. I'll jerk it off and finger it at the same time. Good night, everybody. And references to Harry Styles cross-dressing. What the fuck?

Your son looks like a fag to me. The closer, which was based on the 2021 Netflix special, won in the comedy album category, beating out woke leftist comedians. Oh, Jesus. Randy Rainbow? I have no idea who that faggot is. Patton Oswalt, I do. Another lefty.

I'll give him credit. He's a funny guy, but he's not a Grammy funny. And Gaffigan, who we all know Gaffigan. Also, they're calling these guys woke left. Well, they are, actually. Even Gaffigan's more woke than you realize. Also, but Jimmy Gaffigan, I'm going to defend him.

Because when my last album came out, at least he had, and he's got a very left-leaning, following audience, left-leaning. He came out and said he loved it on Twitter or whatever. Him and Brian Reagan, who have a different audience, and he backed it. And so Gaffigan's a good guy. Politically, I don't't get it but also nominated this year was my boy Louis CK for his last special sorry which in all due respect to Chappelle was way funnier than Chappelle's in my opinion but again now my point being what folks well once again and I've said it a million times even even when your album, let's say his album had nothing to do with transgender, it wasn't controversial, right? Black comics get away would say way more.

And they gave him a grant, they awarded him, show business, a Grammy for an album that offended everything they believe in. That's not gonna happen with a white comic. Please, if you get anything from watching the show for the 20 years, the triple, double, and triple standards are just... well look how they treated fucking Louis. Whipping his dick out like it was a fraternity prank. He asked permission, for Christ's sake. Excuse me, ladies. You look kind of bored watching local news. Look at this.

The win represents Chappelle's fourth career Grammy in the comedy album category. The closer has been condemned by numerous transgender actors, and it still gets a Grammy. Do you get my point, folks? And they're allies in the mainstream news media for Chappelle's jokes about trans people and his declaration that he believes that biological reality determines one's gender.

How controversial. And these bitches are crying over it. Let's take a quick look at the great Dave Chappelle. I am not saying that to say that trans women aren't women. I am just saying that those pussies that they got, you know what I mean? I'm not saying it's not pussy, but that's like beyond pussy on possible pussy

tastes like pussy that's not quite what it is it's not blood that's beet juice and I'm blacker than black and I'm... God bless him. Look at that waiting there. Well, that's a trans. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Look at Alan Hale,

skipper from McGilligan's Islands, right up front. And Margaret Cho, who swelled up from MSG, she ate last night. Look at that. See the face on her? What's the matter?

Not funny, Dave slash Irene? Netflix employees staged a walkout in protest of the show, demanding the streamer yank the program from its service. Can you imagine? Transgender Netflix employees also released a list of demands. I demand you to shut the fuck up of senior management, including a call for more transgender and non-binary content and more trans personnel at the highest levels of the company.

You need to shut the fuck up. The company said, hey, there's only 14 of you on the whole planet. Shut it. As Breitbart News reported, Chappelle recently called out transgender activists for their violent behavior, saying trans protesters threw eggs at his fans who were lined up to see him perform last year. Yeah, that's called hatred and bigotry, you trans lovers. Good for you, Dave. Good for everybody. Unbelievable. You see the double and triple standards um don't have much else but uh how was I what's that oh I thought I saw you raising it

I thought you needed to go to the little boy's room. What the fuck else? Oh, yeah, I'm sort of interested in getting my blood... I'm having tests done because I got a physical. That's how they do it now. I want to do... You see those things on TV? They have these places you go and you lay down in like a conveyor belt and they...

You know what I'm talking about? It's $140, I think, and it tells you, it's like a giant EKG, not EKG, a giant whatever the fuck. Yeah. It can spot clots and that's, to me, that's a physical, you know? Dallas kind of went, I don't know, I like my balls tickled. Like my balls tickled and my ass poked. Yeah, I know.

Found that out this weekend. My God. He was staying in the next room. I don't know who was in there. The woman had a very deep voice. A lot of screaming. Boy, I ate a bunch of shit. I get him.

I'm like, I don't want pizza because we drank a lot of beer and shit. You know, I always complain I look heavy. It's the booze, man. I'm not going to not drink. I'm in fucking Lowell, Arkansas after 35 years. Not exactly a showbiz wet drink. But the people couldn't have been nicer. Can I say that much?

Seriously. Because, folks, even my crowds, and this was a new club for me, so it's not everybody. Well, they all knew who I was, but not like me going to a club who I've been to a thousand times, you know. And it's Arkansas. And they're conservative. Yeah, they're, you know. But I make jokes about them hanging Jews and shit, you know.

And they're like, eh. And then I scold them. And they start laughing. And, you know, I'm doing abortion. I get seven minutes on abortion, which they don't take lightly in the South. Trust me. But they can't help it. The jokes are so good.

They're belly laughing. And I'm like, who's the sick pricks now? You found that funny? I was just killing babies in that joke. How do you feel about yourself? Then I sang Southern Man like Neil. There's the fucking owner on the back bill. He loved Dallas.

I knew you guys were going to hit it off because you're both veterans. He's older than you by about 15 years, but they hit it off. But he kept going. It was so funny. You know what he said to it the last night? I'm sitting there in between shows. He comes over. He goes, just think, we don't have to see each other for a year and a half. And I had to bite my tongue. You think I'm coming back here? No, I would. He's actually, I liked him. I don't know what, his politics were very surprising. And like Dallas said, the guys from the Gulf were a little different politically, right? I know plenty of soldiers that weren't

crazy about Trump and whatever. So it surprised me. But that guy built that club. You know, Walmart was invented in Bentonville, right where we were, actually. And he went to work for Walmart after failing, I think, at some business, he said, right? Somehow fills out an application, whatever. He ends up being like a regional manager, like handling $250 million a year budget. So he's smart, you know. And then ended up leaving there and bought this building

and probably the one next to it, the tavern next to it that we were drinking at. That's where that furry chair was. And I admire guys like that. It's like, Jesus Christ. It reminds me of a joke Larry Miller used to do. You know, he goes, my father fought in World War II, came home, had a family, started a business.

came home, had a family, started a business. If I go to the bank and the dry cleaners in the same day. And that's exactly, I said it to my wife a few nights ago. I go, I love comedy. I said, I really have a blessed life doing this for 36 years. Because it's what something I, not too many people can do what they want. You know, when I was 14, I wanted to be a fucking comedian. And I feel so lucky about that. But another part of me, it stunted me as far as actually doing adult shit, in my opinion. Like, you know, getting up before 11 on a Monday in my 30s and 40s. I get up a decent hour now because I can't sleep. I got a wife and a house.

That's enough for me. But yeah, so anyways, we'll see if we go back. But here's why I lean on saying I will go back, because the people that saw me loved me. The shows were great, you know. And the Q&A was such a success. I had three people after the first one. 11 on the next one.

And listen to this. Some of them didn't even have questions. I go, you paid to stare at me? How nice are they? Anyways, all right, that's it. We got to do another show here. That's how we do it. I got to have blood drawn for me

I'm anxious to get the results in a couple days Because I told you my hemoglobin Was through the roof to the point My other dog said you gotta go get blood So we'll see what happens there That's it you guys Thank you and I'll say it You're very welcome

Don't forget cameo.com If you'd like me to roast a friend or relative I got four over the weekend so people are back at it so you guys think and I'll say very welcome see you back here tomorrow have a good day everybody goodnight everybody guitar solo Outro Music