The Nick DiPaolo Show - Biden's "Pipe" Dream | Nick Di Paolo Show #659

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

Liberal city leaders are liable. Equal crack pipes for all. Reps want Biden to take cognitive exam. Biden attacks Florida law. Home Depot funny money.

I am so sick and tired of the liberal agenda that is destroying our country from our schools to our workplaces to our media. It's literally everywhere. Well, everywhere maybe, but not this show. Never. Here you get the truth, unfiltered and unapologetic. I don't care if I hurt feelings or if I take a position that isn't agreeable or if I step on somebody's toes, I call them the way I see them and I put it out there for free. To keep this show free, I need your help. Please go to nickdip.com and make a contribution or even better, subscribe at thecomicsgym.com or on Patreon today and get an extra encore show each day. Discounts on merchandise and a whole lot more. Thank you guys so much for watching, sharing, and contributing

to the best show, in my opinion, on the internet and the most honest. You guys make it happen. guitar solo Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to the big show, folks. Excuse me. Chinese virus. How are you? Good to be with you. World's coming apart at the seams. Now let's get to my physical yesterday. That was kind of disappointing. Not that I want a finger

stuck up my ass, but isn't that every physical I've ever had for the last 20 years involves a prostate exam. Guy doesn't do that, and I'm not had for the last 20 years involves a prostate exam guy doesn't do that and I'm not gonna go excuse me I want my you know I mean part of me was relieved but the other part is like what the fuck there's only a few things that can go wrong with guys and that's one of them um isn't that kind of odd and they they didn't take my temperature that's usually part of a physical especially after i just told them i'm getting over covid so what the fuck's going on here there's always a young girl who takes my blood pressure and weighs me and never takes the three pounds off of my clothes you know um so i think i'm gonna change

doctors and i've never came i'm not the type to complain about, you know, but it was fucking, the only thing I did like, I asked him about ivermectin, he goes, you're not going to get that from me, I go, what doctors do get, he goes, quacks, he goes, I can't believe that, but I felt like saying, really, there's a lot of people, there's a whole nation that's using it and squares by it, but what I did like about him was he goes, we don't even know what these vaccines do, Long. I go, amen. It's the only thing that saved him. I said, you aren't shitting, Doc.

And you people can't feel good out there. I don't care. You get vaccinated. You have one more worry than I do. That's all I got to say. Just admit that. Admit you were wrong there. Okay?

all I got to say. Just admit that. Admit you were wrong there, okay? I'd rather be sick for three weeks like I was than have to worry about what's going on. And I think I mentioned this on the show yesterday. Tucker Carlson was talking about actuaries and how people in their prime right now from 18 to 64 dropping dead in the prime of their life, 40% higher than last year. They don't know the connections yet, but you've got to wonder. And I'm not saying that's going to happen, but I don't understand. Even some of my friends and family, I'm like, I'm not making this shit up. All these tests they did in Israel, all these guys came down with myocarditis, whatever the fuck

it's called, and enlarged hearts, and this isn't... All of a sudden we're so trusted. Remember, it was called warp speed, and they pushed those vaccines out. You might want to do that when you're making, like, I don't know, fucking hostess

Twinkies on a conveyor belt, but, you know, a vaccine, you know, we've got it out there in record time. Not even approved by the FDA. I mean, we didn't know at the time, but I'm just saying. Whatever. I feel good about my choice, is what I'm saying.

And I'll abort the baby every time. Danger, Will Robinson. What? Danger, Will Robinson. Danger. You are correct, sir. But anyways. Yeah, so that was that.

I showed you the fucking garbage growing on me like mushrooms. Got some shit for that. What the fuck is going on? You know what happens? Your immune system as you get older. Just fucking. I never had a pimple when I was in fucking high school. Now my back looks like fucking Rosie O'Donnell's ass crack after soaking in whatever.

Somebody finish the joke, I'm tired. All right. What? What are you talking about? I got no idea! Me fuck you and your bones, bird. All right. All right, let's get to it, shall we? In the N-word segment tonight, unbelievable.

The violence is out of control. Remember Jerkoff Jen Psaki the other day? She was making fun of Fox News and going, what do they mean, crime's out of control? What does that even mean, soft on crime? Really? Just look at the headlines today. White guy, 60 years old in Philly, carjacked and killed in his driveway of his home.

Two young black kids, 15 and 60, walking home from school, shot in the head, both dead. Woman walking home, I don't know what color, it doesn't matter. Older woman walking home. Black guy, young kid, comes up from behind with a baseball bat and takes a false wing. Knocks her out. Do you understand? This is all intentional.

All these DAs, these lib DAs, those three cities especially. Do you understand this sewing division and hate? They're trying to blame it on foreign entities doing it. No, no, this is your own fucking government fucking with you it's something going on very weird and Liberals have to be eliminated progressives Marxist whatever you want to call them

That's all there is to it if you reach across the aisle grab them by the fucking throat and choke them up That's all I got to say That's the N-word. Well, we're waiting. All right. Let's get on with it. Top story. Not top.

The first story. Not even a story. I just saw this clip, and I thought it was very typical of what's going on, not just around here in Canada, and it's all over the world. Australia, wherever. As far as, you're watching tyranny in action, folks. You're watching cops do the dirty work, the bully work of their governments. It's happening before our fucking eyes. I don't know what to tell you, but it's weird because Canada, Australia,

I always thought of those as like rugged individual, you know what I mean? And they are for the most part. That's why there's a big revolt going on. But I did not expect like the cops in Australia to be so fucking, you know, so easy to slip into this, whatever's going on, who's trying to sow the seeds of divisiveness, but this is up in Canada, I mean, and we've seen

this, we've seen old ladies in Australia getting pushed to the ground and shit, I mean, what do these guys think, even in New York, remember a couple months, a month ago, we showed a clip of cops in a restaurant. A little kid was crying. They're trying to, remember? Cops, NYPD cops. And I know almost a lot of the cops don't agree with what's going on, but check this out. This old guy up in, I think it was in Ottawa. What's your name and badge number? Yeah, you're a soldier. Look, they're hurting an old man. By the way, Canadians, they're doing this because he was beeping his horn.

That's what this is all about. I didn't even show the beginning, but this is what this is all about. He's 70-something years old. Look, he's about 5'1". Go ahead. Citizen, it's communism.

This is communism. He's scared. You're fucking guns. Communist. you stand with the communist fucking government call your police chief he'll back you up look at this poor guy call your police chief arrested an old man shame on you shame on you. Shame on you. Fucking believable. Fucking Nazis. And I'm, you know, I'm a big fan of the cops and shit. Obviously. Most of them.

But it's so weird. It's so weird now, you know, to see what's going on. Because you can tell they're doing somebody, Trudeau's dirty work. He's the problem, that fascist little fucking homo. What a fucking hateful little prick he is. There's thousands, hundreds of thousands of people protesting. One guy has a Nazi flag. And by the way, he was a plant. And then another guy ran over somebody with his car.

They were trying to pin that on the protesters up there. Antifa guy. Fucking believable. Unbelievable. Although, again, I think I said yes to that. I don't know why they just didn't park their trucks as far as... You don't have to clog every major city. You can just go, we're not delivering anything in the fucking country.

But anyways, the point being is you're watching it go down in real time, folks. It's getting kind of creepy. And our government is no better, if not worse. People still in jail for January 6th haven't even been charged with anything? Are you fucking kidding me? What is this, Cuba?

Russian gulags? It's happening right before our eyes. I wish I was 20-something, because then, I don't know, get in the middle of it when it finally goes down. I'll be looking out my window now going, I'm waiting for this metamucil kick, and I'll be out there in a minute, fellas. So I just wanted to show you that. And it's so obvious. And now, did you see the, what is it, the Department of, I don't know, DHS. I don't know what the fuck.

Homeland. They put out a warning, a terror thing, saying that other countries are seeding, sowing divisiveness on the internet, creating this. And domestic, of course, meaning people, they use the word misinformation. They're sowing misinformation to create chaos in our country. And they're trying to blame foreign actors and anybody probably who voted for Trump. And they're behind it. It's fucking evil. These motherfuckers are evil. It's communism. You hear that guy? Hey, it's fucking communism, eh? Oh, boy. Libs are liable for a story soft on crime we just talked about. District attorneys across the country to blame for a spike in violent crime,

not firearms, a former federal prosecutor said. Guns don't commit crimes, neither do knives and hammers. People do. I don't know how you argue against that logic unless you're a lefty and you're just fucking all emotion, no reasoning. Charles Stimson, now a senior legal fellow at the Heritage Foundation, where I used to work. A think tank. A conservative think tank. He said it's a red herring to focus, those are the best kind, to focus on guns rather than the harder issue of how to enforce the law fairly and hold criminals accountable. You are correct, sir. During a visit to New York City

last week, what a joke this was, Biden, fake president, said he would help Mayor Eric, I only eat plant-based food, Adams. That's what he was talking about yesterday. Oh my God. Get illegal guns off the street to combat cresting violent crime. So you see what Biden did there? The stupid, dumb, prick face? Turns it into a gun issue. Even when we're pushing old ladies

in front of trains and hitting them with a baseball bat, it's a gun issue? Smash and grab? They don't even have guns. They just smash and grab with a hammer? What are you fucking? You guys are the most, I can't even, I don't even know what to say anymore. Can we just get it on? Please. Not sexually. You know Biden couldn't get it up with a fucking forklift and crazy glue. Across the country, homicides were up to 30%. They were up 30% in 2020 compared to 2019, according to FBI data. They're probably lying. The murder rate in 22 major U.S. cities,

by the way, they keep saying major U.S. cities, was up 44% in 2021 compared to 2019 and 5% compared to 2020, according to a study from the Nonpartisan Council on Criminal Justice. Stimson blamed much of these increases on progressive district attorneys who have weakened consequences for a range of serious crimes in mostly Democrat-run friggin' cities. You're a communist? Yeah, they are. Huh? How do you like it?

They tell you all the time what to do, what to think, what to feel. I don't like it. Like an octopus coming out of my fuckin' ears. I love octopus. What's your problem? But it's true. Fucking George Soros, if you want anybody to go away,

if anybody should be disappeared, George Soros' fingers are in all these. He does it through non-governmental organizations, floats millions and millions of dollars. It's unbelievable. This guy, he's got to be an evil genius. I've never seen anybody more effective at using their power. He's causing half

this shit. I wonder what would happen if he went for a walk and didn't come back. Nobody wants to try it, I guess. It is not true that crime is rising in every big city. It's true that it's rising in cities that have elected rogue prosecutors, Stimson said, specifically highlighting the policies of George Gascon in Los Angeles. This guy is beyond, all these people are. Chesa Boudin, San Francisco. Kim Fox, we already know how, everybody knows what a dope she is

after the Smollett thing. And that's like the cleanest thing she's done. Fucking look at her. You know what, black black people you always say white people are evil i'm you know what i used to disagree but you're right there's a segment not all of us you will point your finger at the wrong white people it's not southerners or trump followers they're all working class just like you. It's the fucking progressive jerk-off rich elites. Those white people are fucking evil. Even white people agree that they're evil. Okay? So stop playing their game. They have been using you for a hundred years. We'll get to a story later on where Biden's administration is handing out crack pipes in the name of equity. I can't make this shit up.

In the name of equity. Some people have shitty crack pipes. They have to get them at Marshall's. These are made by little Chinese kids, tiny fingers. And Kim Fox, Larry Krasner in Philly. Hey, Larry, how do you feel when you read about a guy getting murdered in his own driveway? in Philly. Hey, Larry, how do you feel when you read about a guy getting murdered in his own driveway? Hmm. Most of the suspects all look alike, if you know what I'm saying, which is more

evidence that it's an agenda. We'll take this segment, use them to... They all have argued that most misdemeanors, these liberal jerk-offs, should not be prosecuted. Lobby for lighter sentences for serious felonies and push for the elimination of cash bail.

That's what all these jerk-offs have. And we wonder why crimes through the roof and they're blaming guns. Every one of those communists. I think his name's George Gascon. Even the libs in L.A. fucking don't like the guy. They're not...

You can't call them liberal. They're fucking hardcore Marxists. That's not a hyperbole. The result has been mass shoplifting. I say we start chopping off hands like they do in Tehran. We'll be awash in a sea of black stumps. I'm kidding. There'll be some brown ones in there, too.

A couple white ones. The result has been mass shoplifting, open prostitution, drug markets, and in many cases, record numbers of shootings and murders. Thanks to fucking libs. I'm sorry, Marxists. At what point do we say enough's enough there? Huh? I can't wait for November.

This is going to be hilarious. Not that that'll change anything. Matter of fact, a tiny part of me is hoping they steal the election again. Because then I think, I say at that point, you'll start seeing naughty things going on. Like whole city blocks being blown up. Not like your little chop thing you did in Seattle. That's, again, only if there are white supremacists out there, supposedly. Apparently there's zillions

according to the Biden administration. They sure are doing a good job of doing nothing. Pipe dream. Ah, in the aforementioned crack pipe story, Joe Biden's administration is spending $30 million to distribute things like

crack pipes to advance, again, racial equity as part of a, get this, harm reduction plan. Harm reduction plan. Black people, you were right about liquor stores in your neighborhood and shit. I didn't always agree with all that shit. I thought you'd complain if there wasn't a liquor store in your neighborhood. But seriously, as far as drugs and shit, the Dems have been keeping you guys down with that shit. They want you to subsistence level. That's where they want you your whole

life. The American Rescue Plan, that's what it's called. Right away, you know it's fucking evil. The American Rescue Plan, which passed the Senate with a tie-breaking vote from Vice President Stinky Empty Pants Kamala Harris, provides the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services funding to carry out the multi-milliondollar grant program. That's right. You can get a nice, clean crack pipe fresh out of the box, and they provide them like these halfway houses,

like housing and shit. That's going to solve the problem of homelessness and shit. Are you fucking... And it's crack. It's not like weed or whatever. It's crack. You're keeping them sick. That's all that's about.

The grant program references Biden's executive order 13985 titled Advancing Racial Equity and Support for Underdeserved Communities through federal government. What a catchy phrase. They can't even name a phrase without using a thousand fucking words. The more the words, the less the program does. That's the fucking usually how it works. And it's not even Biden.

I keep saying Biden. You know fucking AOC, the squad, all these, where's Bernie been? Hiding. I feel like he's the wizard behind half of this shit. But this isn't Biden. He couldn't think of this shit. Now he can't even do a fucking word scramble. He's coming up with shit like this.

Anyways, he signed on to the, his first day in office, he signed on to this equity thing, which is this, again, reverse discrimination, whatever you want to call it. The program accepted applications from non-profit organizations and local governments until Monday with funds scheduled to be distributed in May. The federal government will give approved entities funds to make drug use safer instead of trying to eliminate it. 100,000 people last year died of fentanyl. They don't even mention it.

They're worried about the handful of people doing crack at every city because they're of the right color. You understand? We're under siege, man. Whether it's China sent to Mexico, fentanyl's made in China, comes through Mexico. Do you understand there's a million ways to attack a country?

Don't even worry about the Ukraine. Look over here, the Ukraine. And to funds to make drug use safer and to advance racial equality. How does giving people more crack and better pipes, I mean, this is like an onion headline. It's fucking...

Oh my God. What in God's creation? Applicants who treat drug users in underserved communities prioritize to receive funding. Underserved communities refers to, this is what it says, black, Latino, LGBTQ, and other minority groups. Anybody who's not white is underserved. It's like when they're at Denny's and nobody wants to wait on them, I guess.

What the fuck are you talking about? Other minority groups who have been adversely affected by persistent poverty or inequality. Wah, wah, wah, wah. Oh, boy, you. Jesus Christ. Just from that paragraph, you'd think it's a white paradise.

You fucking people. You have no idea how to defend a podcast. They're still going after Rogan. They're trying to pull up more shit. Find out who it is and let's make him disappear. No violence. Just make him disappear. Just get a magician from Vegas.

By the way, I don't think I have this story. Right before I came on, it said 49 minutes ago there's some kid out in Vegas, some young guy like in his 20s or maybe 30, I don't know, threatening he would blow up a hotel. He said he had a grenade in his ass. And he said he was Joe Rogan 2.0. That's what he said. And that, I mean, he, they read the police statement, just fucking outright crazy. He's Joe Rogan 2.0.

He has bombs in his ass. What else? I don't know. Some other imaginary shit. But they arrested him, which is about right for Vegas. That place skeeves me, man. According to the Grant document, I'm talking back to Biden and his crack pipes. He probably asked his son, Hunter,

well, what's the best quality pipe? What one do you like? Maybe we'll have you put your signature on it. You know what? Anybody who buys a painting, no, we'll just give them out free. According to the grant document, the purpose of the program is to support

community-based overdose prevention. That's how you prevent overdose, by keeping a guy hooked on drugs so soon as he leaves your little facility, he'll OD. Overdose prevention programs, syringe service programs,

and by the way, none of this shit has ever worked anywhere in other harm reduction services. Funding will be used to enhance remember the Netherlands tried it? Funding will be used to enhance overdose and other types of prevention activities. Just listen to the words. To help control the spread of infectious disease and the consequences of such diseases for individuals with or at risk of developing substance use disorders.

Everything you just said goes against what you're doing, you silly bastards. Oh my God. Seriously, what's the end goal there? I don't even want to get to the part about housing. Maybe I cut it out of the article. The grant document encourages funds to be spent on safe smoking kits slash supplies, among other things. Health and Human Services spokesperson told the Washington Free Beacon that pipes for users to smoke crack cocaine, crystal meth, or any illicit substance are included

in the kits. What, no protein bars? No sunny high C? What are you talking about? Thanks, Joe Biden. Syringes. Safe sex kits. Safe sex kits? I could use one. I'm going on the road.

In harm, honey, it's a joke, relax. In harm reduction vending machines. Harm reduction vending machine. Only the libs could take the fun out of vending machines. Remember you could get fucking Cheez-Its, Oreos, bag of raisins, a fucking razor, a comb. Now it's crack pipes and needles. Push G7. Oreos.

Are also on the list of materials entitled entities should purchase with a grant fund. So they're telling you what to buy. Buy venting machines with needles and shit. Turn off the lights. The party's over. They say that all good things must end. All right. All right.

All right. The party's over. And tomorrow and next year starts the same old thing again. That's Monday Night Football. When life was fun. Headline, slow Joe. Boy, a lot of Biden today. Nearly 40 Republican lawmakers are calling on President Biden, 79 years of age, to take a cognitive test.

Why? Why even give him a chance to prove that he's not fucking nuts? Anytime a president walks out to meet the queen or whatever and drops a fucking A-bomb on him, a real fucking mustard gas curd killing fart, I don't think we need any cognitive tests. This guy's fucking out of his mind. He was mental in the 80s. Anyways, the Republicans want him to take a cognitive test following the example set by his predecessor, former President Trump. Remember Trump was tough? They had a couple things. Remember they asked you to remember him? A car, a woman, TV, tits, snatch. The Republican push for Biden to undergo cognitive testing comes as recent polls.

Where were these polls before the fucking election, when he was facing the wrong way during a debate, or he did a cartwheel off the fucking stick? Comes as recent polls have shown Americans are unsure of the president's mental health. Are you really? Are you Americans sure about anything? It's like when they say, how's he doing on the economy? Meanwhile, you're sitting in squalor. And it's like, well, 58 disapprove, but 42 still.

It has to be all fake. That's to manipulate you to. So some people aren't sure that he's lost his fucking mental capabilities or that he's fit for office. I mean, he's fucking... What are we doing? What's going on right now? Nothing.

You're at a bingo game. Finish your strained bananas, you fucking old fart, you. Former physician to the president, Rep. Ronnie Jackson, former defensive back, University of Texas. Oh, there's a fumble on the plate. former defensive back, University of Texas. Oh, there's a fumble on the play. He led a letter with 37 of his GOP colleagues. Where's the rest of them?

Oh, that's right. They play for the other team. To Biden on Tuesday, expressing their concern with Biden's current cognitive state. Now, let me just make a prediction. You're hearing about this today. I'm telling you about it today. And it'll be gone by the weekend. But they will have feigned an effort just to let you Republicans know that they're still fighting for you.

My colleagues, I think they, here's what I said to my wife. The whole world is a play. I don't know if Shakespeare said that or Sherwood Schwartz, whoever wrote the Brady Bunch. But it really is. Everybody is an actor. Everybody. Trump, all of them. I swear to God, there's a script.

My colleagues and I are again asking President Biden to immediately undergo a formal cognitive screening. Just put a fucking stairmaster in front of him. Have him do a Sudoku and watch his brains drip out of his fucking empty skull. A cognitive screening exam such as the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, MOCA. That's racist. Jackson told Fox News, why does Montreal have the cognitive test? They don't even, when they talk to English, they don't use the plural.

I played for the Canadian for 10 years. I had 32 goals. I got in a tree fight. Met a girl after the bar. We fucked two, three times. She had two big tits. Now we have 10 kids. As a former physician to three presidents of the United States this is Jackson talks it I know what it takes to mentally and physically to execute the

duties of commander-in-chief and the head of state Jackson continued Joe Biden is continually proven to me into the world that something isn't right you think the American people deserve to have absolute confidence in their and to the world that something isn't right. You think? The American people deserve to have absolute confidence in their president's cognitive ability. I think it's a little late, but he is cuckoo. If that's a fact, tell me, am I lying? That sounds like him when he starts whispering. Remember?

I was responsible for the deal. I got it down to 14%. Jackson said Biden's taking the cognitive test will be an important first step in getting him the fuck home. And in a diaper. And in front of a TV set with a can of fucking cream soda and reassuring Americans that the president is fit for office or identifying and properly treating

symptoms of impairment that are consistent with... Even the guys I agree with are full of shit. With a variety of cognitive diseases such as Alzheimer's, vascular dementia, Parkinson's, head lice, multiple sclerosis, fucking dry ball sack.

This is not a partisan issue. When I discussed taking a cognitive test with President Trump, he was eager to assure the American people and to put the fake news media stories to bed. The former president, Dr. Rowe, why won't President Biden do the same, he asked. That's a sick question. You're a sick fuck, and I'm not that sick that I'm going to answer.

Said Joe Biden. He looks like the Joker there, or the Riddler. Doesn't he? Look at the fake choppers on him. That's creepy. Is that the, that's not that wax thing, is it? No. The wax thing looks just like that.

He's in a tuxedo right there. You don't realize that was taken at midnight in front of his house? He thought it was pajamas. I don't know. The doctor said we can only assume the worst if he doesn't take the test, right? His own party demanded the same of Trump, so why is it a fair, right?

The precedent has been set, but I think, like we said, we all know it. It doesn't matter. By the way, it's why the Democrats wanted him. That was a... Like they said in The Godfather, I forget who said it, but they said it to Michael. I think it was Tom when he said...

Roth played this one beautifully. I'm a Jew living in the twilight. It's not a plaque. I grew up with a kid. His name was Joe Biden. That's gay is the headline. Once again, Biden involved. Wow, he's in a lot of news.

Somebody let him out of the loony bin. President Biden criticized a controversial bill making its way through the Florida legislature that addresses conversations teachers have with their students about gender and sexual orientation. Now, I don't have kids, but if I did, that's none of your fucking business, teachers. I want my kid to come home with a math test or an English test, not a picture of a fucking eggplant with a condom on it English test, not a picture of a fucking eggplant with a condom on it, and look what I learned. I want every, this is Joe talking, I want every member, listen to this shit, listen to this ass-sucking, politically correct garbage that

was so passed. I want every member of the LGBTQIFMLOP community, especially the kids, who will be impacted by this, get this, hateful bill. It's a bill that just says, you don't have the right to talk to my kids about sex until they're of age. That's all it really says. I'm paraphrasing.

But that's considered hate. Anything that goes against, especially the gay narrative, is considered hate. I said it on Tough Crowd. I said it, I'll still remember it, on Tough Crowd. The phrase haters was just becoming popular. When you disagree with your friends, they go, oh, you're a hater. And that even bothered me. I remember saying it on Tough Crowd. So when you disagree with somebody oh, you're a hater. And that even bothered me. I remember saying it on a tough call. So when you disagree with somebody now, you're a hater. Now the politicians use it like a cudgel, especially the kids who will be impacted by this hateful bill. Yes, Republicans are writing a bill that's hateful to kids. Meanwhile, you want them covered with a mask 24 hours a day.

You finally came around because Youngkin was right. Oh, my God. We'll be impacted by this hateful bill. To know that you're loved and accepted just as you are, said the hair-sniffing president who's been known to grab the tits of 12-year-old girls. Yeah, I said it. Arrest me, you motherless fuck. Just as you are. You're loved just as you are, the president tweeted Tuesday. I have your back and I got a bottle of lube and a ball gag to go with it. What do you think of that, Timmy? Holy shit, he's being mounted. I have your back, he says, and my administration will continue

to fight for the protections and safety you deserve, as opposed to the Republicans who are for killing you and burning you to death. Oh, my fucking word, I can't. They use blacks as a tool. They use the gay community. When are you guys going to wake up and vote right-wing Nazi like myself? Ah, the homosexuals. Biden retweeted an earlier post from the White House referring to the controversial Florida bill as an attack on gay. It's always an attack on gay children.

Who knows more about that you than CNN produces? Can you imagine calling it an attack on gay children? I got to go. I said I want to get out of there. Where would you go now? The whole world is fucking on fire. That's faggot stuff. You want to call it by its name, that's strictly for fags.

The Senate Education Committee, excuse me, the Senate Education Committee, that's hilarious, in Florida approved SB 1834, which critics have dubbed the Don't Say Gay Bill, which says schools may not encourage discussion about sexual orientation or gender identity in primary grade levels or in a manner that is not age appropriate or developmentally appropriate for students. Wow, how outrageous. How outrageous. It's a good song. Karen Carpenter. Are you two? No, you remember Karen Carpenter, don't you? She died of anorexia. Remember that?

I had a joke in my act years ago. Talking about I bought new speakers for my style. I go, they're so good, you can hear Karen Carpenter's stomach growling. I thought it was funny. Never going to laugh. The bill's sponsor, by the way, Republican State Senator Dennis I Hate Fags Baxley. Which I'm kidding. But look at this guy. You know,

anybody who votes Democrat goes, look at him, an old white guy, everything that's wrong with the world. He has the balls to wear a pink tie, our color. The bill sponsored Republican state senator, Dennis Baxley, says it clarifies the role of teachers in the classroom. Some discussions are for having with your parents, Baxley said. And I think when you start having sexual type discussions with children, you're entering a very dangerous zone.

Your awareness should pop up right away, not your penis. What? Your should aware? It said, your awareness should pop up right away. This isn't teaching. That's a good way of putting it,

isn't it? Come on, Tim away. This isn't teaching. That's a good way of putting it, isn't it? Come on, Timmy. Take off those shorts. Finally tonight, not so funny money. A Home Depot employee used play money to steal $400,000 from a Phoenix area store. Let me see. Home Depot, Phoenix. I'm going with Hispanic.

I'm just guessing. I don't know. Over the past four years, according to a Secret Service investigation, $400,000 in funny money. It's hilarious. I knew something was going on because when I was out in Phoenix, I went to Home Depot. I had to buy some

thumbtacks and the $5 bill had changed. My legs are natural. The audacious scheme was discovered in December when the retailer contacted the agency to investigate hundreds of thousands of dollars that were missing from the store. Turns out the real money had been replaced

by funny money purchased on Amazon. Why is that allowed? The discovery wasn't so funny for the Home Depot workers who caught the alleged thief. Or theft, I'm'm sorry can't read the F's and T's are all blending together now they caught the alleged Theft is what it's a fucking word to me. I'll get up and I'll bury this telephone in your head. All right, take it easy The fake money that was allegedly used is described on amazon.com as prop money. $100 bills, realistic double-sided printing fake money that looks real for party decorations and videos and hookers.

You give it to them and go, go ahead, here's $100. Take another $100. I go, shit, here's another $100. Blow me for another hour. Here's a $50. And then they leave and you laugh. According to January 31st complaint,

the Secret Service filed in federal court in Arizona. The employee, Adrian Jean Pineda, last time I checked, I am an imponator. I make $5 bills in my bedroom, I do. I put them in the register, I fool all the Jews. Aye, aye, aye, aye. He was, Panetta was responsible for counting the cash in Tempe, Arizona. That's your first mistake, Tempe.

Store registers and then putting the money in a bag that went to Wells Fargo. He is alleged to have taken the real money and replaced it with the funny money. Nice going, Jorge. Anyways, that's it for today, ladies and gentlemen. I got a tap class in about 10 minutes and then a quarter in at 5. Dallas and his girlfriend are coming over to my house for the Super Bowl. I will be making my Texas chili with brisket.

Good idea. I found out I have high blood pressure, too. Maybe eat that and have a few cigarettes. I think everything will... I'll be fucking... You can't kill me. I'm a greasy guinea. My grandparents, you couldn't kill them with elephant guns. Well, one guy tried, my grampy.

That is it, ladies and gentlemen. Don't forget to sign up at thecomicsgym.com or patreon.com. Sign up for the monthly thing. This is a very, very good show. People love it a lot. David Letterman wrote me a letter yesterday saying, what the fuck are you doing? Cameo.com. You want me to roast a friend or relative? Go to Cameo.com

and tell me about the person. I'll make a video on my phone. We'll roast them. It'll be fun. Go to NickDip.com. Check my tour dates and hit the merch button if you want to purchase something. That is it. You guys think it? I will say it. You are very welcome. We'll see you back here for the final day of the week tomorrow.

Take care. I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free

I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free guitar solo Outro Music