The Nick DiPaolo Show - Biden's Surprise Visit | Nick Di Paolo Show #1356

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

Biden "Surprise" Visits Ukraine. DeSantis Goes On Police Supporting Tour. Tiger Woods Lambasted Over Prank.   Join Nick for bonus content at Patreon! www.patreon.com/thenickdipaoloshow Go see Nick on the road! www.nickdip.com/tour for tickets

🎵 Furthermore, you can all go fuck yourselves. Hey, hey, take it easy. Take it easy. Hi, folks. How are you? Another week. Monday, February 92nd. It's President's whatever day. Can you think of anything that gets less hype than President's Day? Should be an important day. But it kind of fits because we have a schmuck in office who isn't even the president.

Stole it, number one. Number two, he's not even – do you guys ever think of this? It's his handlers. It's Bernie Sanders-type, AOC-types, Obama especially. This fucking evil cocksucker has got this guy's ear. especially this fucking evil cocksucker. He's got this guy's ear. So all the shit that's going on that you don't like, all the over the PC and the attack against all white men and censorship, don't forget your hero, your Messiah, Obama, and his strong safety wife. That's what's creepy because we're in a

war with fucking you, you know, with Russia, a proxy war. You've got jerk-offs like that who know nothing about the military other than trying to destroy it, making decisions. And Biden just reads what's ever in front of him. The world's, this country's never been in more danger. And it's, at least Biden, when he had his marbles, he was stupid. But he wasn't this far left right. They knew exactly what they were doing. I got to hand it to them. They picked this empty vessel

and man, have they used it. And I'm guessing they're going to do what you're doing and use a condom. You throw it away, bring in another doofus. But that's what makes me nervous. You get amateurs. Amateurs that have us on the brink of World War III and shit.

What the fuck do they know about Putin compared to like a Cheney or those guys that were in the military, George Bush Sr.? You know what I mean? We got a bunch of fucking second graders. That's why we're in the mess we're in. And don't ever, ever vote Democrat ever again. Why am I saying this to you guys? You're already there. I can't help it if the jerk-offs are too close-minded to tune in. So send that message to any jerk-offs you know.

Hey, good morning. Welcome. Got some great egg salad recipes coming up for you. And how do I jerk yourself off of the shower without getting a burn? Next, on the Don Lemon Show. Don Lemon finally says something I agree with, and they can him for it. Fucking Nikki Haley isn't in her prime. Brod, you start going down after 21. Hate to break it to you. How about, he won't back down either lemon. He's like, fuck that. Boy, we know fags hate girls, but this guy's sticking to his guns. He's done. They're giving him today off. Yeah, sure they are.

Fucking guy. Anyhow, any he. Real quick, over the weekend, wife dragged me to Fort Jackson yesterday. That's a fort down here, the Civil War. Kind of interesting. I don't know what happened, folks. When I was young, I was eager. I liked history. I actually read history. And now, you know, she had to use a cattle prod to get me off the couch to go to this fucking fort that was four miles from my house. That's the beauty of living down here. You know what I mean? You want to reenact shit, I could do it.

I could get dressed and drive over there. And we watch these guys dressed up and shit, like, you know, like Confederates, shoot a real cannon off through this actual foyer. It was pretty cool. All I kept thinking about is they had this, they had a uniform that soldiers wore, laid out, an actual one, and I'm touching it, and it's like wool.

It's wool. It's fucking wool. Pants, coat, it's wool. Fucking hat. Picture that. It's 102. Wool, that itchy shit. Are you kidding me?

That alone I would take in my own life. I am so happy I was born during the polyester years. Oh, my God. Whoa. In Georgia in the summertime. In goddamn little rooms with no air conditioning. And being shot at and shit. I am so glad I was born at the demise of this country, not when it was coming to.

That's all I could think of, though. But that cannon scared the shit out of me, too, the first time they shot. I thought I was in a little, you know, PC, faggy world we live in. Fucking thing on me to knock me on my ass. Three guys going, hand signals. Thought it was a bunch of bullshit. They disliked the fucking thing. They're like, no, you stand here, you powder the fucker.

You know, military, very nice. Kind of watching like the Jets' offense. Only more efficient. Anyhow, that was kind of interesting. What else? This tooth I think that I had, you know, they pulled the root out of. I think it's infected.

I don't know. I opened my mouth and it smells like a dirty diaper. And there's pus coming out of it. So let me show you. Say it right there. Oh, shit. I forgot that. Hold on.

I got you. I got you. Can you see it? I know you're not just showing up. It's all puffy and shit. I don't know. I don't know what I did. I came home. I was bragging.

I was taking ibuprofen. I go, I don't even feel anything. I think I burnt my mouth on something. Gee, who wants to guess what food that was? And all of a sudden, it all started fucking hurting and shit. So I don't know. And there's a big white abscess above the fucking tooth, and I don't know what that is either. I'm finding out tomorrow.

If they go, yeah, are we going to start over? I'm not shitting you. I'm knocking all my teeth out with a claw hammer. I'm going to show up with Paul Pelosi's. Anyhow, that's that. Tooth infected. Bruins, I don't know, they're back on it. I think they've ripped off four in a row against good teams.

I'm just pinching myself. Okay, guys. Let's get to this. Let's slow it down. Stupid news. All righty then. Anything else? What did you do over the weekend there, bearded one?

We did Italian night with a group of people, and I made Gianna's grandmother's meatballs. Oh, you did it again? Yeah. Addicting, isn't it, once you make them? Oh, God, they're so fucking good. Dallas is making meatballs. So Gianna, his fiance's grandmother, she was part of the Lucchese family. She was like Olivia Soprano. These meatballs are burning my mouth. Oh,

poor you. Yeah, I got to try those. As you know, I'm a master of the meatball myself. That was my nickname in high school, Master Meatball. My buddy Tony Seymour, who's not Italian, he's from Maine, but he was like my best friend. He would always call me and go, hey, Spaghetti Bender. It's a nice old one I've never heard. And Anthony Coleman made me laugh like hell. He sent

me a picture of him with a black pilot, a lesbian co-pilot, and like this gay either woman or man flight attendant. And I'm like, how would he get that? So he had to lie to them. He said, he goes, I had to get a picture as I was getting off the plane. I made him, you know, come out and, and just take a picture. Oh my God. I'm never flying again. What was the lie? I have to know. I don't know what he said. Well, unless somebody recognized him, you know, I don't know. He, he, I know Anthony, all he had to say, you know, I'm from the whatever, ACLU, or I'm gay myself, and I think this is great. That's all you got to do, or I'm really woke. You know what I mean?

I fucking, I have to get an answer to that. But there it is. Oh, my God. I said, I'm driving to all my gigs. I don't give a fuck how far. Anyhow, let's get on with a goddamn show president Joe Biden not my president not yours or anybody else's hey he made a surprise visit to Ukraine this morning ahead of the anniversary of Russia's invasion of uh you know, of fucking Ukraine. And so it was a surprise.

You know who else it was a surprise to besides the Ukrainians? Probably to Joe. They probably told him, yeah, we're going to Disney World, Joe. And he got all excited, jumped in there, and he lands. And they probably told him, look, see over there? See the fireworks? See the little Peter Pan's got a play? That's what they did.

I swear to God, he just gets on the plane. He don't know. They explain it to him. It is Biden's first visit to the war-torn country, thanks to him, since Russia launched its war a year ago this week. It came as he was due to start a three-day visit to Poland. Joseph Biden, welcome to Kiev, Ukrainian President Vladimir Zelensky wrote on his official Telegram channel.

Your visit is extremely important because we're going to roll you for another 500 bill. It's an important sign of support for all Ukrainians, he said. And to that I say. Do you know that they're not exactly a democracy or an up-and-coming? You understand that, right? We already reported on how Zelensky shuts down competition, political opponents, shuts down their TV stations. And this is what we're supporting. Don't let anybody fool you, folks.

Not to say Russia's good, but that these people, you'll find out. You will find out. Using Joe for the stupid that he is. And I'll say it again. and I'll say it again. If you were Putin and you were trying to fucking, the issue was reversed and Russia was trying to join

some NATO type thing on our borders, would you stand for it either? I think the U.S. goes, you know what, he's halfway in the bag. Well, everyone forgets about the Cuban Missile Crisis

when it actually did happen. Yeah, well, forget about it. They don't even teach it no more. You and I know about it. Cuban Missile Crisis, folks. It was unbelievable. There was missiles and it was Cuba. Ow! Oh! Oh! I just hit my good tooth. Did you hear that? Jesus, I can't knock that one loose. Oh my god. Anyways, ow! See, they're all sore. That shouldn't be. The visit was kept secret because of security concerns.

Though the White House said it was meticulously planned for months. Suck my ass. It was also symbolic because it comes as Ukraine has been intensely lobbying the United States for more weapons. Jesus Christ. Enough already to help it fight. What do we got left? We left half our shit in Afghanistan. We're giving these guys

everything. Seriously. All part of the big plan. You wonder why China's got a hard-on for us, sending balloons over like it's a fucking Macy's Day parade to help fight back against Russia's aggressions as the war enters an uncertain

new phase. Yeah, what phase is that? Here's Zelensky wearing a snorkel jacket that was fashionable in 1978. Ukrainian officials for weeks have been signaling that Russia may be planning a major new offensive. It all depends on who you read and believe. I heard Russia's kicking ass sometimes. You know, you don't know. Planning a major new offensive. It all depends on who you read and believe. I heard Russia's kicking ass sometimes. You know, you don't know. Planning a major new offensive time for around the one-year anniversary of the war. Yeah, that wouldn't be predictable. What the fuck?

They want to get one more good lick here before Putin dies. During the visit, Biden announced half a billion dollars of your money, folks, of your and my money. You weren't asked about it, right? None of your business. We're just taking your tax money. Additional security assistance to Ukraine and said more details would be released in the coming days. Ooh, tell more, please. He said the package will include more military equipment, including artillery ammunition, The package will include more military equipment, including artillery ammunition, more javelins, a couple of shotputs, and a hockey stick. Good night, everybody.

Anti-tank missile system. And howitzers. By the way, howitzer at Fort Jackson, there's all kinds of diagrams of howitzers making their cannon, right? I'm getting me a howitzer. Can you have that in a commercial neighborhood? A long-range artillery weapon. I guess the fuck. These cannonballs went almost 1,500 yards. Anyways, sounds like this. Sonny Corleone. Then he gets out of the car.

Sonny Corleone. Then he gets out of the car. That's a good move. Don't duck down, Sonny. He ought to have a drink. They got Sonny on the causeway. Look how I'm asking my boy. Anyways, that's the end of that.

Here Zelensky is punishing Joe Biden for not bringing more weapons. He has to write I'm a dumbass 400 times as Zelensky looks up. Look at stupid pud. It's a nice desk. Fucking Liberace's people call. They want it back by noon. All right. Let's move on, you stink patches. Stink patches. I don't even know what that means. You hear this? I got a chest full of...

Guys, I've been coughing up custard pie like you read about. I'll sneeze and I feel something fly out and you don't know where it is. Ever do that? I'm looking around my office for like an hour, you know, and then my dog runs by and it's on. I got a touch of AIDS. It's got to be like, you know, the if lungs keep filling. Fucking Chinese. I'm telling you, COVID damaged me. I took, and I shouldn't even be doing this, I take two drags of a cigarette. I don't know why I'm doing that. Why? Because it feels

good, even when your lungs hurt. Stupid. But I blame the chinks. All right. Next story. DeSantis backs the blue. No kidding. I thought he hated cops.

Thanks. Time magazine? No. Florida Republican Governor Ron DeSantis is set to kick off a pro-police. He's making all the right moves to be president. That's all I'm going to say. He hasn't announced yet. He doesn't have to. He does it by his actions. And I saw a thing that said Trump's beating him by 35%. You're going to believe anything? I don't know. Come on. Anyways, he's set to kick off a pro-police tour starting in New York City.

I like where he started. I would have never, would you ever pick this? To speak with law enforcement officers in the blue-legged cities who feel unsupported. DeSantis will begin the tour Monday morning by speaking with police officers and law enforcement union officials at a diner in red-leaning borough of what, folks? I'll give you 19 guesses.

Staten Island. He's going to meet with Pete Davidson and his mom, talk about gunplay on the ferry. The governor will then head to Fort Washington, a Philadelphia suburb. I'm sure my wife will be dragging to me to check out. And going to Elmhurst, Illinois, near Chicago, where he will meet with sheriffs, chiefs of police.

Him going to Chicago, he's more in danger than Biden is in Ukraine, even if you took away security from Biden. Chiefs of police and other local law enforcement officials. So he's making all the right moves. He was the best guy around. Paul DiGiacomo, president of New York City's Detectives Endowment Association,

will be in attendance at Monday's event. He said that New York's bail reform law that ended cash bail, brilliant libs, just brilliant, you fucking losers,

that ended cash bail requirements for many criminal charges has endangered law enforcement. Yes, sir. DeSantis is expected to tout his efforts to support law enforcement and reduce crime in Florida, where he recently proposed legislation to strengthen the bail laws, toughen penalties for sex criminals. Why just sex criminals?

How about everybody? How about the death penalty for littering? Let's start there. I know that's going too far, but we've got to swing it back. I'm watching now. Is it 1823? I can never remember. It's the sequel to whatever, the prequel to Yellowstone, whatever the fuck.

And I used to love how it was done there. Some guy gets pickpocketed, and he just falls a guy into the saloon. People are dancing, having a good time, and he just fucking, dang, dang. Okay, now that's a little too quick, Justice. I said to my wife, see, now that's a little quick. But I go, it's swung the other way 100%. We got to find the medium. Give the guys a week before you shoot them in the saloon. Anyways, toughened penalties for sex criminals and other

anti-crime measures. News of DeSantis' upcoming trip to Chicago caused a backlash last week. backlash last week. Why would that be? Why would that be? A guy who's pro-cop is going to Chicago with Mayor Lightfoot, Beetlejuice fucking Dark Cloud, is very anti-cop. Yeah, she is. And she's the worst mayor in the history of this country. And people get shot every week at 15 to 20. Why would it be controversial to have this guy go? Because it's all about politics. They don't give a fuck about poor black people. Backlash last week. Prompting Illinois Democrat Governor J.B. Pritzker.

I mean, this guy's to the left of fucking Pelosi. Look at him with his stupid union smile. To condemn the Florida governor as homophobic. You got any examples, Pritzker? Any specific examples? Oh, he's against the trans, you know, teaches telling your 11-year-old girl it's all right, she's a boy, and that makes him homophobic.

See, what's embarrassing is how fucking dumb the left is. That's all they have is names, racist, homophobe. And that's how dumb the right is. They haven't been able to defeat that in the last 40 years. Well, he doesn't represent the values of the people in Illinois, Pritzker, told WGN9. Yeah, and thank fucking God for that. Can you imagine if he had your values in Florida?

How can you have the balls to even say that? You're the murder capital of the world. Your schools stink. Kids are running wild, smashing grab. Nobody wants to live there. A beautiful city that's been ruined. And then you look at Florida and you have the balls to come out and say that. You know why?

Because there's enough people dumb enough that still watch NBC, ABC, CBS, read the New York Times that'll buy this shit. In fact, he is the antithesis of that. Thank God he's demonstrated that he's homophobic, that he has tendencies to promote racism. Does he really? You fucking idiot! Does he really? Let me idiot. Does he really?

Let me ask you something, chubby, dumb fuck. How come half the world is running to live in Florida? Whose values are fucked up? Anybody running to Chicago? Other than to pick up a bag of fucking coke or bullets or illegal guns? You chubby dink. How dare you sir can you imagine being able to look into the camera and say that with a straight fat face I don't get it anyhow you go DeSantis. I'm nervous.

If Trump got reelected, I'm nervous about his safety. DeSantis? No, Trump. They still have a hard-on for him. The guy is still, every day his name comes up. It's incredible. Let's lighten it up, folks. Tiger Woods, I'm not even a huge fan of Tiger. I thought he was kind of a spoiled baby.

Well, he played. But I mean, I appreciate his talent. And I think he was bred to do this. I think he's part of that monarch thinking. I'm telling you, my wife's read these books. I'm going to read them after. I'm getting the shit secondhand. And you couldn't make it up.

Who's involved in the shit? My hair's standing up. You guys won't even ever watch TV again. I'm getting the shit secondhand, and you couldn't make it up. Who's involved in the shit? My hair's standing up in there. You guys won't even ever, you won't even watch TV again. You'll never, you'll shut yourself in the attic. Kind of nice up there in July. Anyways, what's that got to do? Tiger Woods is in hot water.

Ladies are teed off at Tiger. Oh, you clever son of a bitch. Legendary golfer Tiger Woods is being raked over the coals, but nobody can tell because he's black. And we're out. That better be used. Over the coals

for pulling off a tampon prank. I like how they say that like we all do. On a fellow golfer. Yeah, one of his best friends. A woman's group. Oh boy, here, let's take the fun out of life, and Olympian Michael Johnson. What was he, a track guy? Who gives a fuck? Shine my car. Slammed Woods for the friendly prank, but golfer Paige Spironik defended the 15-time major champion against cancel culture.

First of all, Paige, I love you, and everybody loves you. I mean, you might be the hottest girl on the planet, and I love that you're defending this little prank that Tiger played. But I just have to explain to you, he's not ever in danger of being canceled. You understand? When you're a minority and you're that famous and popular, you don't ever get canceled. Thus, Dave Chappelle, say whatever the fuck he wants, he's still going to get his $40 million Netflix special. I'll say it a thousand times. Do you get it?

You should be blowing guys like me, Paige, not just because I'm handsome and I can putt like a motherfucker. No, I'm just saying, he's not going to get canceled, but I appreciate your backing. During the first round of the Genesis Invitational on Thursday, Woods outdrove his partner. It was Justin Thomas. Then he handed. Now, I love Tiger for this. So he handed Justin Thomas a tampon.

I mean, come on. Even women laugh. Look at even that walking tampon. So I hear about it. I go, oh, great. And then I see it's a new one still in the packet. Now, I would have railed after. A real comedian would have been a used one.

Yeah, I just pulled this out of a stripper last night. Slapped that sucker. Anyways, afterwards gave. yeah i just pulled this out of a strip last night the fuck slapped that sucker yeah anyways afterwards afterwards gave in other words i'll explain to you women who might not get it he's saying i you're a bitch i just outdrove you you're a woman you hit like a woman and uh afterwards gave thomas the tampon they embraced and laughed because that's what guys do might as well have kissed him on the cheek. This is what we do. Laughed about the joke as they walked off the tee.

I knew right away I was going to go, oh, let's see how much trouble he, and again, I know the trouble's limited because he's too popular, makes people too much money to, anyways, here's the video of him doing it. La, la, la, la, la. Watch him throw, look, he throws it away. Yeah, I could have found a better one. They show him handed in slow motion. Oh, here we go. It's like a Sapruta film. Back and to the left. Don't that remind me? See, now that's two guys having a good time and making zillions. God bless these motherfuckers. He threw that away.

It reminded me of when umpires come out and check pitches for throwing, putting grease on the ball and shit. Remember? There was one guy. I forget who it was. Oh, God. Famous. Anyway, you guys will know baseball fans.

He threw an Emory board. The umps were checking him. He tried to flip this Emory board away. They saw it. It was in midair for like 10 minutes. Anyways, I like Tiger for doing it. It means he's a guy's guy. I love the fact that he fucked pancake waitresses.

I just thought he was a little spoiled brat coming up. But whatever. How couldn't you be? So here's Tiger doing, oh, excuse me. Here's the reaction. This woman on the right was a pro golfer and openly gay, Brennan, whatever her name is. Again, the neck of a fucking pulling guard for the Cowboys. Never liked her.

Always has a problem with men, as lesbians do. She's always been angry. And, of course, she had to have her say on it. Here it is. Ed, golf fans cannot believe his juvenile joke when Woods handed a tag on... Pause. Pause. First of all, this woman pretends to speak for golf fans

saying they couldn't believe it. And I say 90% of them are male golf fans. Okay, even I'll go 60%. I'll give you... And I... Who are you to say that? What you gotta understand, even guys like me with a great sense of humor and can make smart jokes, we still enjoy shit like that.

That's male bonding is what, you'll never understand it. And don't bring on this fucking 18 inch neck to tell us, but who are you to speak for all golf fans? Go ahead. To a fellow golfer, and that golfer was Justin Thomas. Christine, what's your reaction when you heard what he did and why? As you said, Sarah, just a juvenile act. I mean, Tiger is a 47-year-old father of a girl dad, of a girl. He's a girl dad. Pause.

What's a girl dad? Making up more. Can you hear the anger in her voice? A girl dad. Almost like that's something to be ashamed of. He's a girl dad. Pause. What's a girl dad? Making up more. Can you hear the anger in her voice? A girl dad. Almost like that's something to be ashamed of. He's a girl dad. She's angry, and I'll tell you why. Gay women want to be guys.

She would love to bust balls like that, but women don't bond like that. Even gay ones. That's what she's fucking mad at. Trust me. I know plenty of dykes. I've dated them. What? Not really. I looked at them from afar ago. Yummy. Go ahead. A 15-year-old daughter, Sam, is a soccer player. And for Tiger to be that girl, Dad,

and to be nearing 50 years old and playing the kind of prank that boys did maybe in junior high, middle school, high school. Pause. Again, she don't get it. Men, you always call us juvenile and you're right about that. We never deny that. Even people with great smart sense of you, guys, that's all we do. That's funny. Who is she to talk about?

Guys did that back when they were in eighth grade. I didn't do it back then. I did way worse shit than that. I'd fling a fetus off my roof from a girl I got pregnant. Now, that's nasty. Land right in her, you know, the basket on her bike. I told her I made her ring the bell go ahead let the dyke speak and have long since uh moved on from it was extraordinary and it certainly was not the biggest deal sarah in the world clearly let's leave it at that that's right you shouldn't be on national tv it shouldn't be in a national

newspaper usa today that's how stupid it is. Again, you're just jealous that guys are like that. You understand? Mm-hmm. The closest girls came to that. Girl athletes when Tonya Harding took a hammer to Nancy Kerrigan's knee. That was just a prank. They were having fun.

Anyhow, I don't know what a girl dad is. Is that top of mind? Anyway, so the angry lesbian, of course, didn't like it, naturally. Paige Sparanek. Oh, I'm sorry. Here's Tiger's apology. Your joke with JT from Nine yesterday

is kind of going viral. Can you kind of just explain your thoughts behind it? No. Yeah, it was supposed to be all fun and games, but obviously it hasn't turned out that way. If I offended anybody, it was not the case. It was just friends having fun. You can't do that, Tiger. As I said, if I offended anybody in any way, shape, or form, I'm sorry.

It was not intended to be that way. It's just, you know, we play pranks on one another all the time. All right. What's the matter with you? Sorry. What the fuck is the matter with you? The tampon was in my mother's name, Jimmy. battle with you the tampon was my mother's name jimmy anyways spay uh page sporadic seen here a real dog oh my god heavenly is she real does that even exist do you understand

you hardly ever see her in a picture with anybody around her or with her so hmm well so what do you take from that? Addressing your question, is she real? She might not be. Oh, I see. No, there's plenty of pictures. Trust me. I would take a second on the house

to buy a pair of dirty panties. I'd wear them around my head, all over Savannah. Do you remember this one, Dallas? You might be too young for this phrase. This is one. Now, this is an eighth grade thing guys would say with somebody that I'd drag my mile. I'd drag my cock through a mile of broken glass just to hear her fought over a walkie-talkie. I don't know who came up with that. That's been around since the 50s. God bless. Anyways, you've got to be kidding me. What a surprise.

The dyke hates the fucking, you know, and the hot chick is backing Tiger. So anyways, that's the end of that. You can't have fun anymore, guys. It doesn't matter who you are. It's what feminism does. It's the antithesis of comedy. It's really

taking the fun out of life. I don't know. I say we... Time for genocide. Not a real one. Just what we spank them with dildos. What? Fuck it. Alright. Is that it? Merch? Oh, we got a merch read. I'm sorry.

God forbid. Hey, thank you to everyone that supports the production of this show with contributions, subscriptions at Patreon or buying merch. What merch do we have? Check out one of our Patreon. Andy Navin in full Nick DiPaolo gear. He looks like he could be hanging with Zelensky. Look at that. He's got the hat too. I don't even have that hat. Some of this you don't even know. Also, I want to congratulate Patreon, Irish Patty, who's been with me a long time.

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