The Nick DiPaolo Show - Big Papi Called out at Home #180

Episode Date: June 10, 2019

Big Papi popped in back by bastard. Pelosi pushes lower voting age. Biden and Barak butt buddies. 

🎵 Yeah! Welcome to the show on a Monday! How are you folks? Coming to you live from fuckin' Georgia, 90 degrees, fuckin' 11 o'clock. We'll do it live. Okay. We'll do it live! Fuck it! He's pissed off and I don't blame him, goddammit. I'm as mad as hell and I'm not gonna take this anymore! How are you? Good to be with you, ladies and gentlemen. YouTube, Facebook, wherever this shit goes. I don't even know how it works. I just know I had two great shows, packed houses, partial standing ovation at the Steel Stacks in Bethlehem Saturday night. You don't want a full standing ovation. That means you're just being a crowd pleaser.

Jason, I noticed there's no Texas date that you were going to tell me about. Should be the first one there. Oh, should be the first one there. I'm looking at my old dates. Where's the one you gave me? Where is it? I put it on your desk. You put it on my desk.

Okay, you come get it, all right? Okay. Let's go, go, go. Let's go. I'm jacked up on coffee, and I'm fucking American Airlines. I'm going to boycott you myself. Huh? Yeah, I know.

Where's the one you gave me? Huh? Did you put it in with WG? No, I didn't, Jason. Jesus H. No, you put it in with the sheets. I got it. You put it in the stories. Did you? Alright. Sit down. Jesus fucking Christ, I hate Mondays. Remember that girl that shot up to schools on a Monday because you hated Mondays? My fucking hero. I don't want those people. I'm just saying. She's usually rubber bullets. except for your horseshit. And I'm not... Fans of Nick DiPaolo, if there's no direct flight to your city, you'll never see me. That's all I'm saying.

You're going to have to drive, okay? I'll buy a helicopter before I fucking take American Airlines. Most amateur bullshit company I've ever dealt with in my life. Delays and whatnot. And just... I can't take it anymore, folks.

Colin Quinn's wedding in Brooklyn was tremendous. Couldn't take pictures. Couldn't take it anymore, folks. Colin Quinn's wedding in Brooklyn was tremendous. Couldn't take pictures. Couldn't take videos. I don't know why. I think that's a little bit snobbish in my opinion. We put a picture out of Seth Meyers or Jerry Seif. Oh, whatever. How is that a problem? Their friends are calling her at his wedding. I don't know. And me being a narcissist, I'm guessing it was me i'm the only a radioactive person in the room and jerry can't be seen with a racist like me or seth i i don't know i was gonna blame colin but he's on cnn so i mean i i just don't get it what were they what were they

hiding for christ well seriously somebody answer me that i'm quinn i'm calling you and it's funny i was sitting there right before the wedding going if if he says we can't take, sure enough, Tom Papa, who played the, what do you call the guy who marries you? You can get a license and... Hey, anytime, assholes! Minister. Ordained minister. Ordained minister. Thank you. Jesus

Christ, it wasn't an SAT question. That's when you need Deke, the religious freak. Tom Papa was so goddamn funny, and it was a great wedding. Food was tremendous. Waiter trying to bang my wife. It was a waiter looking like a young Stanley Tucci. Her food was first.

Nobody else had food on the table. Bring her drinks and wine and shit. After about an hour and a half, and I'm watching all this, and after about an hour and a half, I went up to my guy, hey, this broad next to me wants you badly. And he goes to me, that's your wife, isn't it? Which I wanted to punch him in the face. You knew that, and you're still trying to fucking give a chicken and roast beef

when I don't have mine? He goes, that's your wife? I go, yeah, it is. And he goes, right out loud, so my wife can, motherfucker. Anyways, he goes, you get great tasting. I like when people go to me, you're the lucky dude. I always go, luck's got nothing to do with it. That was a great fuck 40 years ago.

Anyways, had a great time. American Airlines, fuck you. Not the people that, well, yeah, the people that work there, too. They could have been a little. I'll get to the dates in a second if I don't remind me. Big, obviously, the big, these glasses are a distraction, I was told by. And I agree, too, but I can't see, so I got Lasix lined up. It's not a guy who does Lasix.

He's a muffler guy, but he says. Anyways, what's going on the top story trending oh that's music in the dominican republic former red sox slugger david ortiz shot in dominican republic hey surprising didn't three americans just die there within the last month at hotels and and uh but let's welcome more of this culture into our country they seem they have this shit. If you're a big poppy and you're not safe in the Dominican Republic, you're certainly not going to be safe if you're just a peon American. Former Red Sox selector ambushed by a man who got off a motorcycle,

shot him in the back. We have a picture of the suspect, I think. They think this is who it is. I'm not sure. Yes, I fucking knew it. He's got a beautiful smile. And anyways, yeah, close range, right in the back. Let's take a look at the video.

Makes me sick. There's Ortiz with a red arrow on him, okay? Look at this jerk off. You can see, look, comes up from behind like a coward. Can you imagine? Even the journalist got hit. That's Ortiz going down. That hurts a little more than a fastball up inside, does it not?

I can't. Look, nice place they're watching it. What is that, somebody's basement in the Dominican Republic? That's a bar. Get out the lawn furniture. Big Papi's here. Get the flat screen going. Unbelievable.

Just laugh, Bunny. No comments, right? Thank you. Jesus Christ, you can't shut the fuck up dominican national police director ney eldren bautista almonte could you have a few more names said ortiz was at the dial bar and lounge sent at the minute ago at 8 50 p.m when the gunman approached from behind and shot him. Ortiz later underwent surgery, and he's day-to-day. They think they'll have him in the lineup for the Rays next time they come. Ortiz's father, Leo, speaking to reporters outside the clinic, said, Now he's Chinese.

I don't know. Said his son was out of danger. There was no damage to major organs. And when you say major organs, you're talking Big Papi. I don't know. Said his son was out of danger. There was no damage to major organs. And when you say major organs, you're talking Big Papi. I mean, Jesus Christ. His fucking liver is the size of Texas. But the dad said Big Papi will be around for a long time. You're goddamn right he is.

He's a hero. He's an icon. And the alleged gunman was captured and beaten by a crowd of people. You could see this in New York, you know, above 140th Street every night if you want. The gunman was beaten by a crowd of people. He said police are waiting until the man undergoes treatment from his injuries. That's called justice on demand, before questioning him. Here's the video of the guy that shot Big Papi.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Okay, that's enough. I guess habeas corpus means nothing over there. How do you say habeas corpus in Spanish? Hababes corporatis?

Investigators trying to determine whether Ortiz was the intended target. No. Probably not. It was probably Brock Holt. Well, Devers is in a two-for-twenty slump. Maybe he was in, but this is sickening. Two other people wounded. The Red Sox say they offer the Ortiz family all available resources to aid in his recovery, and they should.

I mean, the guy, he's the most clutch hitter in the history of baseball, in my opinion. And I'm glad to see the suspect was treated the way he should be treated. David Ortiz reportedly begged doctors, please don't let me die. I am a good man, is what he said. And Mario Rivera, what was his name in the picture, Chase? Mariano Rivera. I sound like a guy from Britain trying to pronounce DePaulo. I sound like a guy from Britain trying to pronounce DePaulo.

Anyways, Dominican journalist Dionzo Soldavilla tweeted out the former Red Sox player's desperate play on Sunday night after speaking with his doctors, who reportedly relayed it to him. Please don't let me die. I'm a good man. Authorities have made multiple arrests, including a suspect named Eddie Filos Garcia, who was reportedly beaten by a group of bystanders. The former ball player appeared to be a group of bystanders. The former ball player appeared to be the victim of a targeted attack. Local media reported that a Dominican TV host, Joel Lopez, was with Ortiz on Sunday night,

also hit by a bullet, but nobody gives a fuck about him, which is not fair. But that's, you know what that is? That's assassination. That's it. They pull up on motorcycles. You know who does that?

I'm not blaming them, but in the Middle East, that's like a big thing. The Israelis will send somebody after, you know, guy pulls up on a Vesper. You're like, hi, how are you? And you take two to the neck. It is hotter than hell's hinges in here, by the way, folks. The fucking air conditioning is broke. I came in, it was 111 degrees, and we hadn't put the lights on yet. So if I look like I have jaundice and I'm bleeding from my eye sockets,

look like every Ebola patient laying on a gurney in fucking Nigeria. It's got to be 106 right now. Nothing works. Nothing. Not the cell phones, not the goddamn computers. Nothing works. What a fucking weekend of trans Ubers. Did I say trans trams? A little too much about the wedding. Now I see why we couldn't have video. Seriously, New York, New Jersey, it's just everything so complicated take a fucking get to the airport take a whole rental shuttle fucking you have to take a tran to the rental cars a tram I said it again what is on my mind fresh cock apparently trams planes automobiles

was a great movie anyways u, Uber actually did well. I couldn't believe it. A guy named Kofi. Outside the wedding, I had not one white person wait on me. I mean, not at the rental cars, not at the fucking airport. I'm not saying bad things. I'm just saying New York and New Jersey is like Detroit now. And Newark, where we stay, because we flew into it,

it's 16 miles from Brooklyn where the wedding was. Ask me how long it took to get back to the hotel after the wedding. How about an hour and five minutes to go 16 miles? So you can have New York,

New Jersey, tri-state area. I'll stay down here where there's 11 people per 400 miles. None of them who like me. Listen. Let's get right to the wacky left who are losing their tits.

Michigan Hotel offers free lodging for women traveling to the state to get an abortion. Good for them. That beats the shit out of a continental breakfast, doesn't it? Would you like an 11-year-old corn muffin? Or for us to suck that

baby out of your ass while you're brushing your teeth? Oh my god. Listen to this. So a woman did this at the hotel. Hatred in one phone call, $100 donation in the next. That was a Sunday morning for the Yale figures, Yale Hotel. General manager, after she posted on Facebook that the hotel would offer free stays to women coming to Michigan for an abortion.

In May, Shelly O'Brien wrote in a Facebook post that her small town, 100-year hotel, located in Yale, Michigan, went off lodging to women coming from other states with more severe restrictions, excuse me, in order to have an abortion. She also said the hotel would help arrange transportation and to and from appointments, which is very sweet of her. She says, I've had people telling me I should die. Yeah, O'Brien told Time magazine. I've had people threatening to burn my building down.

Yeah. It feels like you're a pro-lifer, doesn't it? How does it feel? How does it feel to have anybody threaten your life and burn down your business because they disagree with your politics? Huh? They're performing abortions, what, in the Lincoln suite? Hey, you know, the elevator's not working. Push that woman nine months pregnant down the shaft and give her a muffin on the way.

I've had people praying that somebody hurts me or burns my building down. I really did not expect such venomous hatred. I guess, you know why I don't expect that? Because you live in a bubble. such venomous hatred. I guess, you know why I don't expect that? Because you live in a bubble. You don't see that every right-wing politician has to carry a gun or every pro-lifer.

You're just getting what the other side dishes out around the clock. So I'm not condoning it. I'm just saying, don't pretend you didn't know you were going to get pushback from this. What do you think, everybody thinks like you? But the opposite side of the debate has also reached out to her.

She says, I've been flooded with overwhelming positive responses from two-month-old fetuses who have said, I've had enough. Get me out of here. Well, Brian said, I have little old ladies coming in and writing me $25 checks to put towards the cause. Sure, most of them have handlebar mustaches and are wearing boots. cause. Sure, most of them have handlebar mustaches and are wearing boots. In May, Alabama Governor Kay Ivey signed a bill effectively banning abortion in the state. In Georgia, Brian Kemp, the governor, signed a law that would ban abortion after six weeks of pregnancy, the point at which it is possible to detect a fetal heartbeat. In Kentucky, Ohio, Mississippi, have all passed similar laws. So you're going to get a ton of business.

Nice going. Ton of business. Excuse me, can I use the fitness center? No, we're killing a couple of babies on the lap machine. And last month, Louisiana became the fifth state to pass such a ban this year, and she's surprised she's getting pushback. O'Brien has made a room available in her small hotel to host women seeking abortions. She said they're not going to be performed there unless people are turned on.

You know the guy you call when you can't get porn on the TV? He comes up and he whacks a lady in the crotch with a monkey wrenching. And says she's begun making arrangements for the first guest to take her up on her. Oh, so she hasn't had anybody take her up on her, obviously. In light of her recent support, she hopes to expand the initiative to several rooms. That's terrific. Hi, can I get the baby-killing suite, 111? My grandkids live here, she added.

I don't think people understand that we have heartbeats, too. You don't. That's what I said. That was my joke after they passed the six-week heartbeat thing. I said, why don't you look for a heartbeat in the mother that's trying to kill the kid? You're not going to find one. You're fucking heartless. Again, you know, two to three months, I understand.

And I totally disagree with having a woman who's raped forcing her to have that child. That, to me, that's sick. That kid will be a reminder of her worst moment in her life for the rest of her life. That's like me getting a wedding tattoo. Me and the wife on my back.

It's a great joke. I did it. My wife was at the Fat Black Pussycat. I heard, fuck you, from the back. Maybe I'll switch it. The tattoo will be on me and everybody will laugh. But, you know, so imagine waking up to this. You're trying to sleep. Don't pretend you can't get abortions. What is there? I think there's seven Planned Parenthoods for every Starbucks, so I don't think it's going to be hard. They'll be doing them at Starbucks.

Can I get a latte, please, and the Dirt Vac? What is it, $39.95? By the way, come see me live, ladies and gentlemen. I'm in rare form. There's actually venues that are turning me down because of my politics, I was told. So welcome to the fascist left, the United States People's Republic of... I wanted to grab Amy Schumer at the fucking wedding. I had to fake hug her.

I like her personally, but I felt like saying, so your four-group thing? I shouldn't be looking over there either. Tommy said that was distracting. He goes, how can I make you watch the show? I said, you can't. Never. Won't watch one minute of it.

Thursday, June 27th. This is a big deal. I'm going back to the Texas, Dallas, Texas area. The Quixotic World Dallas. That's the name. Is that the shittiest name? The Quixotic World Dallas? What, is fucking Shamu the Whale going to be there?

What does quixotic mean? Jason? I believe it has to do with Don Quixote. Oh, does it? Is it key? Am I pronouncing it wrong? I have no idea. Is it key?

Boy, that really conjures up fun, that name. And then I'll be doing the lobby of the Yale Hotel after the girls have their babies sucked out. I do eight minutes to make them feel better. Hey, you were a lot skinnier when you came through the doors two days ago. I saw you at the pool. What happened? Saturday, August 10th, the Newtown Theater, Newtown, Pennsylvania. Friday and Saturday, August 16th and 17th, Helium in Philly. Thursday, October 10th, Levity Live, Nyack, New York. Friday, November 15th,

the Cortland Repertory Theater, Cortland, New York. Saturday, November 16th, Comedy Works, Saratoga Springs, New York. New Year's Eve, back at the Tarrytown Music Hall.

Tarrytown. Tickets are available now for that already. Friday, January 24th, the Ridgefield Playhouse in Ridgefield, Connecticut. You know it's Pride Month Day,

whatever the hell that means. Pride. You have pride in your sexual preference. Pride. Again, see Norm MacDonald's bit about, uh, I'm proud that I blow guy. Okay.

I'm proud that I like tits and pussy. Where's that? Just give me a week, right after Black History Month. Give me five days to brag about all the snatch I had when I didn't look like Joey Badafuka. Just five days. That's all I ask. Trump administration tells U.S. embassies they can't fly pride flag on flagpoles unless it has poop on the end of it. Who said that?

Now, who said that? These guys that write this shit for me, I'm going to fire them. That was offensive. That made me very upset. Fucking queen! Hey, hey! Pauly Walnuts does not like gay people.

That guy is a real problem. The United States embassies in Israel, Germany, Brazil, and Latvia are among those that have requested permission from Trump's State Department to fly the pride flag on their flagpoles and have it denied, diplomat said. Can I just ask you a question?

You make up maybe 5% of the world population, maybe. So why should your flag be flown when 95% of us, that doesn't mean we disagree. I'm just saying, why is sexual preference, what does that have to do with geopolitics and all the other horseshit? I'm just asking.

Then it'll be the trans flag. And then the New York Mets. That's even grosser. Nothing, Jason, you pussy. You're correct. Yeah. Beautiful. Although the pride flag can, it is being flown elsewhere on embassy grounds, like behind a dumpster,

including inside embassies on exterior walls, the decision not to allow it on the official flagpole stands in contrast. This is where Trump is being a hypocrite. I agree with this part of the article a little bit. Trump's claimed to be a leader in supporting LGBTQ rights overseas. But he backs it up with more important shit than flying a flag okay trump's administration has announced a campaign to decriminalize homosexuality overseas and this month issued a tweet and a formal statement to celebrate lgbt pride month and recognize the outstanding contributions lgbt people have made.

So he's doing the important shit. I mean, in the Middle East, they take gay people atop of a building and push them off. And they do that somewhere in Alabama, but the buildings aren't high enough, so gay people just get the wind knocked out of them. Flying a fucking flag. You guys, do you ever, I've actually used that term term i've had gay friends who start yapping about you know bullying i mean you don't have to fucking fly your flag in front of me i know what it's about you don't you know i mean just stop fucking rainbow i don't even think that's the gayest thing

there's got to be something better than a rainbow. You know what I mean? Everybody likes rainbows. Unicorn. Unicorn. Apparently, the gay flag originated from the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow, because Judy Garland was a big advocate for something. Oh, yeah. She's an icon. But there's other stuff you could put out. You know what I mean?

Just like those ruby red slippers that landed on the witch sticking out of the house. Those are pretty gay. I don't know. Liberace's rings. Elton John's asshole. There's a million things you can put on that flag. So Trump, yeah, you know, I don't know.

He's kind of being a hypocrite, but I get it. I mean, under State Department policy, embassies that want to fly the flag on the flagpoles are expected to obtain permission from Washington. During the Obama administration, the government granted blanket permission to embassies overseas to fly the pride flag during June. Now who's the hypocrite? If you remember correctly, President Obama was against gay marriage until he put his thumb up in the air and saw the political winds weren't blowing his way. But he was flying it anyway, so who's the fucking hypocrite there? I know he evolved once he saw the numbers on the, you know, the pew poll trending. This year, U.S. diplomats said embassies were told they could display the pride flag in other places,

including inside embassies, but that request to fly it on the flagpole must be specifically approved. No approvals have been granted, so that makes everybody a Nazi. The denial to the U.S. Embassy in Berlin is particularly jarring because the ambassador to Germany, Richard Grenell, who I've seen on TV, very... He's a fag! So what? He's very brilliant, this guy. He's on Fox News a lot.

Brilliant, he's a fag. That's unnecessary. I very brilliant, this guy. He's on Fox News a lot. Brilliant. He's a fag. That's unnecessary. I don't know who keeps saying that in the back. Here's a picture of Ganel. Guy's ripped. Bunny Galore, weigh in on that. Huh?

He's color-coordinated? All right. Gross. Glad she came and added more comment to the book. That's not Richard Grinnell. That's a guy that he dated for three years. That's Richard. Look at him.

Handsome son of a guy. Smart as a whip. But, Mr. Grinnell, I'm going to say this again. Like most gay people, you're obsessed with your sexual preference. You should be saying enough already we got bigger things to work on you know if you want to

protect gay people in countries that criminalize, you got to go to the Middle East drop a thousand trampolines they can put them at the bottom of the and they push people off the they can land on the trampoline and bounce back up savages the president's recognition of pride month and his tweet encouraging And they push people off the, gonna land on the trampoline and bounce back up. Savages.

The president's recognition of Pride Month in his tweet encouraging our decriminalization campaign gives me, he says, even more pride to once again march in the, this is Grinnell, in the Berlin Pride Parade. Hang a huge banner on the side of the embassy recognizing our pride. But it's got nothing to do with what you do. Host multiple events at the embassy and the residence and fly the gay flag or whatever. I'm so fucking tired.

Will you shut up? Will you? Will you please shut up? Will you shut up? Shut up? Shut up? In Germany, oh my God, in Germany, pride celebrations continue into the month of July. Oh, into July for a European LGBTQ event known as Christopher Street Day. Christopher Street is, I just, I read that this morning. It's the gayest street in Manhattan in the village. It's Christopher Street. I had a very funny line about it. We were talking about boxing me and Artie Lang, and we showed a guy who got, you know, he's half out on a feet.

And when you see that in boxing, they always say he's on queer street. I said, this guy's on Christopher Street. Artie thought that was so goddamn funny, I'm glad I repeated it. Apparently he had to be there. But anyways, here's the, here's what a gay march looks like in Germany. Look at the pride! they take it very seriously

can't you feel the exuberance i love to suck cock and i'm proud of it somebody explain to me i've been asking on the show for my last 20 years of my life, the gay agenda helped me out. Like I said, the 10 people that run the world, are they all gay? I'm asking this seriously. When they make up 5% of the population, we spend a disproportionate amount of time talking about them. I don't know what to say. Never had a problem with gay. Even saw Wanda Sykes and gave her a peck on the cheek.

She was with her wife, who was from France. I said, Wanda, you and I have the same what to say. Never had a problem with gay. Even saw Wanda Sykes and gave her a peck on the cheek. She was with her wife, who was from France. And I said, Wanda, you and I have the same taste in women. She said, get away from me, crackhead. I'll fucking hit a bunch of... Anyways, the denials by Washington have alarmed U.S. diplomats serving around the world who are LGBTQ, with several raising the issues this week in a private group chat for members of gay and lesbians, foreign... Oh, my God. Now we have a chat room for gays and lesbians in foreign affairs agencies.

Good to see we're trying to live together, huh? That's known as GLIFA. G-L-I-F-A-A. GLIFA. Of course, short for Glee. You've seen the show. When I watch Glee, I used to go, faaaah! Boy, am I stretching.

After the publication of this story, the advocacy group GLAAD tweeted, remember last week when President Donald Trump was pretending to celebrate Pride? Fuck you. Did you point out Obama's hypocrisy on the issue? Glad. Why don't you go away?

You know, let me give you my opinion of most straight people as far as gay people go. We get no problem with the whole set. You keep it alive like you do the black racism. You talk about it like it's 1955. We really don't give a shit. It's the incessant whining that you're victims and bullies and I'm not saying you don't

get beat up and stuff, but everybody does. Once you stop your fucking whining as a victim, we'll be behind you. No pun intended, a thousand percent. But Trump gets called off. It is his hypocrisy. Earlier this month, the Trump administration rule took effect barring transgender people who have undergone a gender transition and have been diagnosed with gender dysphoria from enlisting in the U.S. military, so he's obviously a homophobe. In the U.K. this week,

Trump defended that policy by saying that transgender people take massive amounts of drugs. Apparently referring to hormones. They do, and do you really want, if you're a transgender... He's doing you a favor. Let's say you're transgender. Do you want to be in a barracks with eight rednecks from Alabama? And the gay people go,

Yeah, they fuck their own dogs down there. So why are we weird? So it's a stalemate as far as I go. I don't know what to say about that. Oh, it's heating up in here. Holy Christ. By the end of this. Glad you have that fan. Yeah, that was great.

Look what Rich brings. Rich brings. Can I unplug this? Stay right there. I made that joke. Look at that. How the fuck is that a fan? Look. What do you have, a fat girl standing and blow through it?

Looks like fucking Jack Parr's microphone. Welcome to the show. Milton Berle, everybody. How is this a fan? Have you ever? I tell Rich to get a fan. He can't grab one at Target. There's a thousand of them. Comes back with his fucking birth control pill.

This is what Shaq keeps his dick in. Or his wife does when he goes on the rough. Sweating like fucking B.B. King right after they cut his feet off from too much sugar. Listen. Oh, my cigarette's dead. That's right. I live in a world where you've got to plug in your cigarettes after you fuck your automated doll. Then you have chemical eggs.

Joe Biden in the news. Creepy old Joe. What was he doing? Finger popping a Girl Scout? Nope. Good guess. Joe Biden makes friendship bracelet for Barack Obama. Internet mockery ensues.

Here's a picture of a couple pictures of Biden. Oh! Hitler had the same bad habits. Rausen sieben, grausen! Rausen sieben! Pert!

Prell! Stang! Next. Look at Biden's... look at those tits. I can see it down her dress, very nice tits. Anyways, Biden had the same habits as Hitler, or vice versa, I'm sorry. Anyways, Saturday was officially Best Friends Day on the internet, and Biden took advantage of the situation to reinforce his connection to Obama

by posting a photo of the pair I gotta no, that's not what I was looking for, but that's fine there you go, there's Biden and Obama in the earlier years, get that up you know why that pisses me off? not that they're gay and kissing each other, they're both ripped both ripped they Both ripped.

They live on semen and fucking cherry Coke and Doritos, and they're shredded. Saturday was officially best friends of the day on the internet. Biden, nice. Yeah, there you go. Joe and Barack. If that's not gay, why don't you fly that at the UN?

Joe and Barack sitting in a tree. Finger popping each other. The caption read, happy hashtag best friends day to my friend Barack Obama. The photo isn't new. In fact, it's from 2016, August of, when Biden was still vice president. The gag was originally meant as a joke birthday card for Obama, who was celebrating his 55th birthday. At the time, back when Obama was, this is, I think this is NBC News, was considered suitably progressive. Imagine he's not progressive enough. And the Democrat Party was united in its effort to defeat then Republican candidate Donald Trump. You know, back when they try to pull off a silent coup and they weaponized the Department of Justice and did the most evil thing in the name

of politics ever. You know, that'll bring you together. You'll make bracelets and blow each other and silly hats. A few even made their own friendship bracelets so that they could pretend to share an Obama-Biden bromance. Saturday's tweet did not earn Biden the same unbridled admiration. Instead, it inspired a wave of mockery from all sides and scorn, even from Barack Obama's former campaign guru, David Axelrod. Social media responded by asking Biden if he was OK and called the former Veep clingy and really weird.

These are his fans. Can I just say and I said it last week, he doesn't have the energy. And he is a weird guy. Always has been. And he doesn't have the energy. He's the most cynical of them all to me. He puts his finger up there. Which way is it blowing? He doesn't have the energy. He makes Jeb Bush look like a meth addict. He's just fucking... Others pointed out, although Joe Biden is staying close with Obama, Obama has been less than friendly when it comes to supporting his former vice president's bid for the White House. When Biden finally announced his intent to run for president back in April, Obama didn't jump at the chance to see his apparent off on the campaign

trail, his heir apparent, I should say. President Obama has long said that selecting Biden as his running mate in 2008 was one of the best decisions he ever had, but since then he sniffed Melania, I mean, what's the daughter's name? Malia. Malia. He caught Biden sniffing Malia's head twice, and he caught Biden sniffing one of Michelle's jockstraps. He relied on, in a similar scene of sadness,

Biden told reporters he had explicitly asked Obama not to issue an endorsement, though Biden hinted that he knew Obama was in his court. I asked President Obama not to endorse, he said, per USA Today, whoever wins this nomination should win it on their own merits. You're a lying sack of cheese. Rumor has it that Obama isn't really interested

in seeing Biden ascend to the presidency. Of course not. He's too fucking moderate. Obama, you know who he's pulling for, Obama, showing his true colors? He's had private meetings with a number of 2020 contenders and seemed at first to prefer Senator Kamala Harris, who hates men and white people, so perfect,

and Elizabeth Titlis Warren, olive oil, for her nomination. Putin has one of these friendship bracelets. That's a good question, Rich. With who? Who would give it to him? Sergio, his campaign guy that kills people for him. See, you were almost on to something. Here's the

joke, silly. You were all around it. Who would give him the... It would be fucking Trump, obviously. You try to get too smart and you went right in the toilet. I wish you were on stage in front of 300 people. You get hit in the face with a full Heineken. You'd know what it's like to write a shitty joke. Bring in a Heineken tomorrow.

Yeah. Oh my God, he piles on top of even an unfunny line Jesus Christ I gotta hit the cricket button friendship bracelets bunny have you ever had a friendship bracelet no I'm not into sodomy no I, I didn't mean, that's not what I heard, number one. It's a different kind of bracelet. Anyway, I'm glad they got tortured on the internet with that silly shit. Anyways, let's stay on the Biden in the 2020 race because, as you know, the Dems have lost their shit since Hillary was supposed to win that thing.

And once Trump won, they still can't. I mean, they are. I've never seen this type of anger that persisted this long. Other than me having to go to a wedding in Brooklyn, about eight hours of fury, trying to talk to a guy named Kofi from Alamo. I actually had a translator come in so I could rent the car. Anyways, great article in the New York Post by Carol Markowitz. And she says that drive to let kids, inmates, vote. Just another sign the left is fucking losing their shit. And she's crazy.

The left is fucking losing their shit. Watch out because I'm... And she's crazy. Go, go, go, go, go, go. The new hotness, she says, is lowering the voting age to 16 years old. As proposed in the House Bill HR1, the For the People Act of 29. How about For the Children Act? 16-year-old kids. You've got to be dog-styling me.

Asked about the proposal in March, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said this. I myself have always been for lowering the voting age to 16. I think it's really important to capture kids when they're in high school, when they're interested in all of this, when they're learning about government, to be able to vote. Yeah, I remember going down and going back in my dad's car and popping up and going, what do you think of Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton? What do you think of their chances? Is that when you're really thinking about politics and shit,

when you're 16? Is that really the... What she's saying is it's important to get these kids where their minds are still mushy. This is what we do, and this is why we want immigrants pouring in who don't speak the language, don't know the culture. This is why we want ignorant felons in prison to vote, because they're useful idiots.

They have no clue what's going on politically. They don't fucking follow the news, okay? This is why we want to get them when they're young. And if we don't get them, it's all right if they slip through the cracks, because they're going to go to college and be indoctrinated for the next four years. And they'll be on social media being poisoned with more shit um but it's very important she says um you know but 16 years old do you guys remember what you were doing 16 years old putting you know cherry bombs in frogs mouths and all right that was like when i was 11 it It wasn't me, it was my cousin, Teddy. Sick fuck. But think of the stuff you were doing when you were 16.

Seriously, just think of it. Makes me shudder. Stuff like this. I mean, this kid's ready to vote. Huh? All right. I'm sure he has a handle on what's going on in the House and the Senate. After he stops throwing up his own blood from eating a fucking tripod,

he sits up and he goes, can you put on CNN? I heard the Speaker of the House was going to be pushing that farming bill through. Did you vote last year? No, I was too busy fucking a cat. Voting is a responsibility. We tell our children. These are some of the things, some of the tweets,

how people responded to the idea. Voting is a responsibility. We tell our children. Gather information. Make the best decision. Cool. The American teen replies. And then, you know, takes a hit of his bong and stands on his head and does a shot of fucking Jameson. In March, a rep, Ayanna Pressley, Democrat, Massachusetts, what does that tell you,

argued for the change, saying, Trump whipped us ass, and he's a white retarded guy. We have to get everybody to vote. Those who have a stake in our democracy she said will also have a say in our democracy that's what the chick uh from uh massachusetts miss presley said you stupid fucking blabbermouth cut but that's pretty much everybody everywhere and that's why the argument isn't stopping with just 16 year olds his letting inmates vote while still in prison is another Democratic brainstorm. As far as I go on this, I'm for once they serve their time and pay back their, you know, whatever, they should be able to vote. But, you know, you're in there for rape, murder, beating up your wife, shooting somebody.

No, you lose all rights. I mean, for Christ's sake, you know, you're making grilled cheese on a radiator and also bucco in a steel toilet you're too busy you don't have time to find out what Biden's up to but once you do you know pay back your debt to society I don't have a problem with that

but listen to this in the article it goes but why stop at citizens anyways ask the left a 2018 opinion piece by Gustavo Arellano in Los Angeles Times was headlined, Let non-citizens vote. What's the worst that could happen? What's the worst could happen? Los Angeles.

That's what could happen. That's non-citizens. That's what you want. They will not be happy until the whole country looks like this. But I got to admit, if I'm going to live in a nice tent, that's not a bad one. That's a beauty. The fuck is that? That's a trash bag. It's beautiful. The guy's got his luggage. He's going to the airport. Look to the right. Oh, that's a dolly. luggage he's going to the airport look to the right oh that's a dolly what could happen what could happen venezuela could happen pick any third world shithole super chats rich yeah we got two

today um suzette live talk said you were saying tran because of ptsd from being in cuomo's fantasy land new york it's a good point that is a good point it actually is and if you stay in these places long enough new york city ho Hollywood, it seeps into your brain. You're just trying to be polite. The next thing you know, you're behind a dumpster giving a fucking training handjob for a tuna sandwich. Go ahead. You don't like tuna bunnies? That's the part of the joke you fucking bummed out of?

I don't mind you jacking off a six-foot-eight woman who's got the fucking hands of Giancarlo Stanton, but Jesus Christ don't bring tuna into it. Go ahead. And finally a gentleman bystander said any chance of any Georgia dates? No none at all of course it's my home state I just explained how much I hate flying I'll take a skateboard to a gig in Georgia put me on Vesper, head me to Athens with a fucking helmet and a bag of Cheez-Its. Yes, to answer your question, there are clubs,

not clubs, I'll find venues, you know, between here and Atlanta and whatnot. Won't I? I hope so. Anyways,

non-citizen voting already is happening. This person says, Ariano says, in some Maryland towns, and democracy there and still alive. So calm down, conservatives. Yes, but do you ever hear the slippery slope? Did they have that, uh, do they have that colloquialism in Spanish? Do you know what that means, dummy? voting is for citizens of the United States and always will be, my friend.

I know you want to turn this into a third world shithole. You're well on your way. And they do vote. We cover this on this show. And like, you know, city council elections and some. And that's why it was starting to look like, you know, downtown fucking San Gennaro. That's all. Nick, that's racist. Good. Fucking sue me. Call the cops. Russian anyways. One responsibility that comes with living under a democratic system, she says,

is having to accept that sometimes you lose. The gist of the article, and I agree with a thousand percent, is they still, this is all a reaction to Trump winning. Do you remember during the debates, that was the big question they asked about will you accept losing? We've been watching Hillary now for two years saying it was sexism, it was whatever. It was Republican guys telling their wives how to vote. Every excuse in the book, and she has not accepted it. Remember that she said this. Are you willing to accept the outcome as the will in the book, and she has not accepted it. Remember that she said this. Are you willing to accept the outcome as the will of the voters, Secretary Clinton?

I support our democracy, and sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but I certainly will support the outcome of this election. She finished the sentence saying, in 2036. Until then, I'm going to piss and moan like a broad. I remember I read an article right after she lost, and she said, you never hear them telling male candidates who lost that they shouldn't be complaining about, and I said, they never had to. Never had them to, you never told them to shut up.

They never had them to you never told them to shut up they never had to and you know who the devil is also stacy abrams down in atlanta who still secretly thinks she won based on no evidence whatsoever none what so fucking ever that's like a three-year-old you know you beat him in monopoly whatever three-year-old monopoly what am i saying game. Pin the tape. You better beat a three-year-old Monopoly. Trust me. You see my... I got a 2.4 on business. I know four-year-olds would clean my clock. If they get Park Place, you're screwed.

What's that? If they get Park Place and Boardwalk, you're screwed. Why is that? That's how you won the game. All right. God, I got to get that cricket button. You make Jason look like Shecky Green. You are rich.

That was an analytical point. That wasn't comedic. Oh, now we're going to backpedal. Now we're going to backpedal. I was just trying to make an important point. The heat in here. It's the heat. It's 110 outside, so you're stupid all over the place.

Anyways, so, you know, whatever. It is what it is. It is what it is. Chilling video captures crazed customer swing machete at hapless deli clerk. Again, they're starting to call. Even in the post, they call the New York City the city of fucking hate under their videos. Here's a video. This is par for the course.

Anyways. Here comes a guy with a machete hitting a guy with a machete, the sharp side. Okay? But it's the greatest city on earth, folks. Remember. Look at all the people rushing to help him. The guy's left arm is laying across the clock bars in hummus.

That's what happens when the guy at the bodega can't find a pack of Marlboro Lights in time. In this case, Kool's. There's something wrong with the black man's mind. Yay for diversity. There's something wrong with his mind. The blow to the victim's left shoulder sent the injured man to the floor of the store Liberty Bagel and Deli.

Liberty. There's liberty. The freedom to bring a machete. What a backwards culture. Dude, I don't know what you are, but you're still using a machete. Unbelievable. They show this to people in Botswana, and they went, that's fucking ridiculous. Even you, even us, you know, we use switchblades and axes.

The attack happened 1115 Saturday morning and in the evening they were still seeking the attacker. You know why they were still seeking him? There's like a thousand guys carrying machetes around Manhattan with Yankee hats. It's like a thousand guys carrying machetes around Manhattan with Yankee hats. Fellow deli worker Gapreet Singh, 30, said Saturday night that the victim, Skurdeb Singh, who received eight to ten stitches, must have been dull, eight to ten stitches. I got that much with a butter knife trying to open a pickle jar. Anyways, he has no idea what happened or why it happened. Well, let me explain it to you, Sukh Sting, Muska Raskrit.

You live in a country that is inviting the world to it with a thousand different cultures, but you're not forcing the people to learn one culture. So there's a lot of tension. And then you've got crazy people on the street because de Blasio is running it that are on drugs. And, you know, lawlessness is the rule of the day. And as Bill Hicks said about this car, it's an experiment that is not working. That's all I'm going to say. He has no idea why it happened. Well, now you do.

He's standing at the counter reading, and the guy, he just came out of nowhere. I don't like when you're reading at the counter. I wouldn't hit you with a machete, but focus on me. I'm trying to buy a jewel, a jar of Skippy, and tampons for the wife. Don't have your face buried in fucking somebody's Indian book. I have no fucking idea. Lately, Ricardo, this is the guy, the suspect I'm talking about, who often bought beer, sandwiches, and soda at the deli, had been acting strange. He was always drinking a beer, he said. Day by day, he started to look like a bum.

Employees often kicked him out for bringing open catanis of beer into the store. This could be Ted Kennedy they were talking about. We never allow that, Singh said. He always had an issue because of that. Yeah, and this is how he responds to the issue. It's called mental illness, ladies and gentlemen, mental illness. You know how they frisk people for guns they used to under Bloomberg and Julia, you know, and it saved people's lives and people of color's name. It was actually a great thing to do under Blasio, turn that around. They got to start doing it with people who just look crazy on the side.

You frisk them. If they don't have Lexapro on them and shit, they go right to jail. Where they should be drugged with Advil PM. That shit knocks me out. Nothing else does. I've had 19,000 prescriptions that I can't sleep to Advil PM oh my god I come down the stairs in a diaper in the morning with my robe peeing myself wife goes how you doing I don't know kind of a little hungover from the Advil PM from machetes to a Virginia man it's

not just New York City mental illness is running. Virginia man bit off and swallowed grandfather's fingertip. And in all fairness, the grandfather had just touched his grandmother in a private area. So, oh, my God. Well, it is Virginia. It's for lovers. A Virginia man has been tried by a judge after biting Grampy's fingertip off. I couldn't do that with my Grampy. You know why? He was missing three fingers. He cut him off on a table saw working for the United, Chew, and Beverly in the 30s. And he wrapped him up, and I'm not shitting you. My dad told me this. Wrapped him up in Kleenex or whatever paper towel and tried to finish cutting the board.

And his boss forced him to. That's a dumb guinea, I've got to be honest with you. The Roanoke Times report that 23-year-old Aaron Michael Adams was charged with malicious wounding and aggravated malicious wounding in the attack on Mark Douglas Lyle. Roanoke police responded to the December 2017 attack, said they found Lyle with his left hand bleeding and the tip of his finger missing. The left-handed grandfather testified. The left-handed grandfather testified. The left-handed

grandfather testified. He said that they were arguing that it has affected his life. There's some things he can't do. He doesn't have much of a break on his curveball. And no longer has a cutter. But other than that, bit his

tip clean off. Adams testified he was defending himself delicious delicious yeah delicious i was on a plane this weekend american airlines and first of all i didn't know and this is on me for being retired i didn't know you could bring your jewel or your vape anywhere near a plane because there was you know they've had a few. You have a lithium battery in there and blah, blah, blah. So I didn't bring it a couple weeks ago, and I went back to the Massachusetts area, and I smoked three packs of cigarettes. It sort of set me back.

And then last week I'm sitting home, and no, once we got to New York, I'm reading an article how you can bring a vape. You can't put it in your checked baggage. Well, it's either dangerous or it's not. So it's all right if I start a fire in seat 13G, but not fucking in the belly of the plane. So you can put it in your... So that was good news.

So I bought one in the city. And after we were delayed 45 minutes for the eighth time, I started sucking on this. I was trying to tell people. One lady complained. I said, it's the mist. You know when the plane's real? The mist blows out of the... She said, you're a liar and a motherless fuck. And I said, you got me. My wife kept saying, put that away. You could get

banned. And I said, that's what I'm hoping for. I'm never going to fly American again. If I had three stogies, I'd light them up and put them out on the pilot's neck. But anyways, this guy, 30-year-old Spirit Airlines passenger, on a flight from Detroit to New Orleans, recently got banned for life. Oh, my God, he can't go to Detroit or New Orleans. You know what that means? He's going to miss St. Patrick's Day. After he decided to take a smoke break in the plane's bathroom. An attendant on flight NK-985 told a deputy on Tuesday he saw him take a drag from an e-cigarette and exhale into a bag,

said Jefferson Parish Sheriff Spokesperson Jason Rivard. She admonished him. The St. Petersburg, Florida resident then got up and headed for the restroom, according to a report. While he was in the bathroom, the plane's smoke alarm went off. I think we have a clip of the guy. He fucking lied about his age, too. There we go. Excuse me,

Captain. How long are we going to be delayed? I'm trying to get to New Delhi. I have a fucking circumcision. When a deputy met the plane at Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport the unidentified passenger denied smoking in the restroom

according to the report he told a deputy he didn't know smoking was prohibited on flights how did that fucking work out the passenger was not arrested but he may never, ever get this. Fly again with Spirit Airline. Oh, my God. They connect to what?

Three cities? I had this again. I guess I could have got booted. I didn't think it was a big dealio. The deputy's report said the company banned the guy for life. It's a private business. They can ban a customer at their own leisure. It's like telling you not to come back to the restaurant.

Once he was on the ground, he was cooperative. It's not the same as smoking in a restaurant. The restaurant's not going to blow up and take 188 other people with you. When you light up a vape at applebee's and it explodes you don't find fucking baby shoes and teddy bears floating how is that more powerful than a laptop computer everybody can have a laptop that has the same battery i mean it's i don't know rich you're the tech guy i agree that's my whole point i agree that's the that's the angle i'm taking it's ridiculous don't get defensive country i'm

agreeing with you a thousand percent just because the word smoking's in it. No, you're right. They're trying to, you know, whatever. Trying to get it out of everybody. They're watching my health again. I can't get pretzels now with salt on them. If you don't look real closely at the bag and you grab it and you get home and it says lightly salted.

Hey, you're watching my weight for me? The fuck? I want it to taste like a highway in Buffalo after February 2nd. Fucking, I want it to taste like a fucking anchovy with salt on it. Don't watch my weight for me. Can't smoke anywhere. It's horrible. I'm trying to die. Why are you stopping me? Anyways, vaping wasn't the only problem with this guy. Like me, who had a few drinks in him, another passenger complained to the flight attendant that he had been drinking from bottles of alcohol that he brought home. This guy was having his own little party.

I got my vape. I got my Heinekens and a couple syringes. I'm hiding them in the flight magazine. Anyways, that's also prohibited. Oh, for the love of Pete. How about the guy that gets half his face blown off taking a drag? They should use him.

The non-smoking people, get that guy in a commercial. You know what's good? Excuse me. I use this like a pacifier. I suck on this thing 13 hours a day. And I know damn well I'm going to be watching a late TV late 10 years from now. Some lawyer's going to come on.

Have you or a loved one been using the Juul cigarette from the years 2016 to the years 2019? You have a lump on your nut the size of a Major League Baseball. Call Saul Rabinowitz. we'll get you six bucks finally tonight you know I'm an animal lover and uh look at this fucking video Palestinians beat up a bull before halal slaughter did I give you that go ahead why would you do that? Why? The guy that shot Big Papi, they should have done this to him.

Look at these fucking savages. Ignorant as the day is long. Yeah, there you go. And the lady's all upset who tweeted this. And she asked the question, why are these people so horrible to animals? I don't know. Is that the big question? Palestinians, how about how they,

that's how they treated you. You're worried about animals? Seriously. They're stuck in 11 AD over there. Okay. Turn the place into a parking lot and we'll all be fine. What did that bull do to you guys?

I don't know. He looked at me wrong. He gave me a dirty look and mumbled something about the fucking Koran. Tying a lady's legs up like that. That they should do to Rosie O'Donnell. Am I right?

Durka durka. Muhammad jihad. Haka sherpa sherpa. A bacala. That's all I get to say. Now, you know, I'm not a real fucking animal freak, one of those guys that'll burn down your house. You know, if I see a chicken wearing a coat or some shit, I'm not that fucking nutty about it. I got a Yorkie who's deaf and blind.

It's so... I try to help it, but, you know, I just put it in the middle. It bounces off the walls. Now it's in a new house. It memorized all... Dogs, when they can't see hair, you know, I just put it in the middle, it bounces off the walls, and now it's in a new house, it memorized all, dogs, when they can't see, hear, they sniff, and they, that's how they memorize where they're going, so again, I fool it, I pee, I put a little bit of my own pee in the kitchen, and but anyways, I'm just saying, I have a soft spot for, and I hate people who shoot giant giraffes, and elephant, you always see a big game, a lady had took a picture. She shot an elephant. Oh,

good shot. I could kill an elephant with a baseball from two miles away. Jesus Christ. Anyways, disgusting Palestinians. I don't want you treating bulls the way you treat Jews it's wrong anyways that's it it's 178 degrees Kelvin in here I don't know what that means it probably means it's cold in here I got a C in physics Jason do you know what's I think that means it's pretty fucking hot

is it? I said it on stage one night I'm like what's it 11 Kelvin? some Indian kid goes well that's fucking cool. I'll bring in another fan tomorrow. Yeah, could you? Maybe with some blades on it. Fuck.

Brings me in a... Oh, my God. I'd go back to the store and wrap this around the guy's head who sold it to you. It looks like a jewel. It does look like a jewel. Where does the fucking... Where does the wind come out of it? I really, honest to a jewel. It does look like a jewel. Where does the fucking, where does the wind come out of it? I really,

honest to God, I've never seen something so stupid. This is Georgia. It's 171 in May down here. I'm going to give you a fan. This one's about $7 off. It'll cool you right off.

It'll look like a giant black dildo. Trust me, boy. Your nipples are going to be able to cut diamonds when you put this motherfucker on. That is it, ladies and gentlemen. Great to be back. I have a couple weekends off.

If my agent and manager calls me, I'm just going to go, no, I'm not going near a fucking airport after this weekend. Until Labor Day. Anyways, we love you. Thanks for tuning in. Jay's the one I might forget.

Cameo? Cameo.com. Please love you. Thanks for tuning in. Jay's the one I might forget. Cameo? Cameo.com, please. I did a couple this weekend. If you want me to send a personal video message, it can be like a mini roast. I got one today that I can't do. This kid sends me one saying, my idiot fucking stepbrother who weighs 300 pounds

beat me up. I weigh 100 pounds. He hit him with something. He's got stitches in his arm or some shit. I want you to roast him. I don't take sides in fights where I don't know both sides of the story. Okay? So don't give me that. But if you've got a friend or somebody you can't stand at work, or a mother-in-law or a father-in-law, an old boyfriend, a girlfriend, you just can't fucking stand, you know, I'll roast them. Go to cammy.com and fill out the information. Don't forget to go to nickdip.com for all my tour dates. And obviously, breath of fresh air. People are still, the numbers, I'm watching it. We're heading to, you know, we're

over 452, 53,000 and Patreon members are still signing up. I couldn't be happier. It's from all your support. Love you guys. Remember, you guys think it. I will say it. You're very welcome. I'll see you on Patreon tomorrow.

Take care of yourselves. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 ¶¶ We'll see you next time. I'm out.