The Nick DiPaolo Show - Billy Burr

Episode Date: December 11, 2018

The Great Billy Burr Skypes in. CNN’s Camerota’s Crazy Question. Racist Tirade, or the Truth from Columbia U. Student? Comey Still Full of Shit.

🎵 Oh yeah! Good evening everybody! On a shitty Monday, how are ya? Welcome to the show. Great show tonight. Later on, bottom of the hour, 6.30 p.m. Eastern, the great Billy Burr joins us, fellow Bostonian. Best comic working right now, in my opinion. Yes, Louie's sort of off to the side, but neck and neck with those two for me.

Both Boston guys, no bias. They're just fucking great, like the Patriots. Get to them in a few seconds. How are you? 833-599-6425. 833-599-6425 is the phone number. Listen, Christmas is upon us, and I'm sure some of you are still trying to figure out what to get for your friends and family or for that asshole liberal at work that you get stuck with in Secret Santa. Well, your worries are over, folks. From now until December 20th, you can get anything from the Nick Dips store at 30% off by using promo code PATREON30.

This is a code just for you guys. To show you how much I appreciate your support, loyalty. And to make you and your family members, let's be honest, a walking fucking billboard for this show. I'm a dirty whore. So get a hat, shirt, CD, DVD, or autographed ones at nickdip.com slash store, nickdip.com slash store, and use code PATREON30. That's a Merry Christmas to you folks, and I ain't shitting you.

Yes, you are. You'll be getting plenty of shit. See ya. That's a Merry Christmas to you folks and I ain't shitting ya. Yes you are. You'll be getting plenty of shit. Plenty of shit. You can take from me tomorrow. How do you like that? You know what I want for Christmas this year? What? A big fat cock!

Oh! In my ass! Get out of my room, you sick cunt. Ha ha ha! I know what you did. You're a damn pedophile. All right, just getoga Springs, New York. Monday, December 31st, my favorite venue in the nation,

the Tarrytown Music Hall, Tarrytown, New York. Wednesday, January 9th, The Fat Black Pussycat, New York City. Friday, January 11th, Lucy's in Pleasantville, New York. Saturday, January 12th, Fairfield Theatre Company, Fairfield, Connecticut. Saturday, January 19th, Bobby V's, Windsor Locks, Connecticut. Saturday, January 19th, Bobby V's, Windsor Lux, Connecticut. Sunday, January 27th, Ventura Harbor Comedy Club, Ventura, California. I'll be on Joe Rogan two nights before that, or one night, or two, whatever. It's a Friday. Friday, March 8th, Wood Theatre, Glens Falls, New York. Saturday, March 9th, Cohoes Hall,

Cohoes, New York. Friday, April 26th, Steel Stacks, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Friday, May 31st, Jonathan's Agunquit, Maine. Saturday, June 1st, Whites of Westport. Westport, Mass. Sounds racist to me. Saturday, and then I'll be at Blacks in Eastport.

Saturday, August 10th, Newtown Theater, Newtown, Pennsylvania. Beautiful theater, by the way. Saturday, October 19th, mytown Theater, Newtown, Pennsylvania. Beautiful theater, by the way. Saturday, October 19th, my second favorite, maybe tied for first with a every time musical, the Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut. Nicktip.com for all your ticket info. Let's go to my favorite traffic guy.

This guy is tremendous. Apparently, there's a jam up or there's an accident. What do you got for us, Tyrone? Looks like they hit this motherfucker. Bounced off this motherfucker. Made it hit this motherfucker. Put half the engine. Put the engine back in this motherfucker.

Somebody had to be drinking and driving. Look at this shit. Look. Look at this shit. This is why you do that drink and drive look at that swipe the side of this half the cars underneath of this which end up pushing this into this looks like he came back got a control for a second and then hit this like he came back, got a control for a second, and then hit this mother. I don't know where the that came from. Hit this mother.

Nip this mother right here while he was at it. Wasn't done. Knocked the bump off that mother. I wonder what the car looks like. I wonder what the car looks like. Do not drink and drive. You will up a whole bunch of people's morning and. And my mother will see this motherf***er.

And I like my mother. I'm 50 f***ing years old. I've cussed him in front of my mom three times in my whole f***ing life. And y'all motherf***ers just allowed 19 motherf***ing motherf***ers to come out in front of my motherf***er's mom ear for no f***ing reason. Be safe out there. There's some idiots out there.

If there's not a radio station out there that has the balls to make that guy your traffic traffic copter guy you're a bunch of pussies guys a genius and another i can't myself turn this up a little bit my headphones or whatever the fuck the mic i don't know what it is anymore um i would uh right there uh, yeah, I would make him my traffic, uh, chopper guy. And, uh, the video is more proof that only black people should use the word motherfucker because it is poetry in motion, motherfuckers. Um, God, that made me belly laugh. And he's pit.

And, and you know what? I relate to him because I've had a potty mouth since I was in third, fourth grade. I've told you this many times. I grew up with people four or five years older than me, my sister Darlene's best friends. I was very good at football when I was young, and they would always actually call the house and say, we want Nick to play.

And I would go home talking fucking like I was five years older than I was. I would say, pass the motherfucking beans, bitch. I'm going to. And, you know, that's how it goes. I fucking love that guy so much. Let's get his name. Wait a minute. We gotta have him as our traffic guy.

We'll just make it up. We'll have him fucking pretend he'll do that. And I'm looking at the motherfucking Taconic motherfucking highway. There's a motherfucking traffic jam up in that motherfucker. God bless him and everything that's holy in the world how are you happy hanukkah uh happy holidays merry christmas happy kwanzaa uh ramadan and ding ding i was on a plane last week pretty sure a terrorist was boarding he was riding an emotional support camel hello

camel hello this is the show where you uh we talk politics just like you sit next to your buddy at a bar looking up at the tv with six beers in you and you get a chat and i'm the guy that's only get two beers and i'm making a little more sense than them and uh that's how i describe the show but let's can we all agree one thing democrats? Democrats, I mean, not people who vote Democrat. I'm talking about the politicians. Well, and the people who vote because they've bought into this shit. But they are so full of fucking poopoo, caca, caca poopoo, caca poopoo. Remember how much they hated Comey after he released all the controversy about Hillary right before the election? Then they loved him.

Then they hated him. Well, here's a clip, if you don't remember. Let me just say this about Director Comey first. This is a great man. We are very privileged in our country to have him. I want to begin by commending you and the public servants of the FBI for the independent investigation. I greatly appreciate

Department of Justice did and they handle it very professionally the FBI direction of a one and lips and tough Career public servant Jim Comey somebody with the highest got it standards of integrity No, it's a bit of a different story. All right. Not a fucking ounce of morality in him. Ironically, the most sanctimonious political party on the planet preaching morality 24-7, yet fucking zero credibility. And that made me belly laugh. Call Me Was Grilled know the gop fucking bub buck committee uh this weekend and and still he's still full of shit up to his eyelids

just a lion sack of shit no wonder why him and muller are best friends just too deceitful lying and i hate to say that about a marine when i'm talking about Mueller, but somewhere he turned thug after he got out of the Marines and lost all, all objectivity on anything. And if you don't believe it, go back to the Whitey Bulger case. I've said it nine times on the show where he was the fucking head of

the FBI in the Boston area. And when they were chasing Whitey Bulger and he imprisoned four guys for over 30 years. Wrongly, by the way, it's been proven. Two of them died in prison, so that's all I can say. Kevin in Chicago is asking me why Bill Burr is one of his favorite comics. Oh, this is the anti-Semite.

Why do you have a problem with Billy? He's not Jewish, Kev. Billy Redhead, because he called out that he's not a social judge. He's definitely a conservative side. He's one of the few in the mainstream that doesn't cowtail

to the freaking leftist commies. So why are you asking me why he's a favorite comic of mine? That would make sense, wouldn't it? I said he's one of favorite comic of mine that would make sense wouldn't it no i said i'm he's one of my favorites oh i thought you guys are i see i i've read that wrong my apologies yeah no well he's not first of all billy burr is not conservative i talked him on the phone a couple days ago he called himself a liberal so you're totally wrong there but he does uh he does here's what happens happens, Kev, now. When a comic

is politically incorrect, they throw him into the conservative junk pile, which isn't necessarily true. Billy's one of the guys that when you get to know him personally, he's way more liberal. But when he sees bullshit, like a good comic, he calls it out.

I mean, he's so... He's against the... Nowadays, if you're against the freaking radical left, you must be concerned. So I kind of guess I did read that wrong. I want to take one more point. Did you hear about David Cohen kind of lecturing the new Congress? Was David, let me, David Cohen. He was lecturing the new Congressman.

Is he the running back from Chicago Bears? The black guy named Cohen? No, no, no. This is a former ceo of goldman sachs and one of the big ways that goldman sachs go ahead and he's basically lecturing them saying uh oh you don't know how it works we got to fill you in he's basically um telling them how to play ball and uh we got to get these people out because they got control of our government government like no other. They are totally in control, bought off our politicians. It is just the most corrupt.

And when people talk about Russia has influence over our election, it's actually Israel who has control over our election, collusion with us. You know, Jared Kushner sent Flynn to go speak on behalf of Israel, told them the U.N. vote. No one wants to talk about that. No one in the mainstream media talks about that. How Jared Kushner told Flynn to go, say, told the U.N. to, told Russia not to vote on the U.N. treaty or something like that.

Yeah. And try to give favors to Israel. Man, there's so much shady shit going on with Israel. We've got to put a stop to it. Okay, Kevin, thank you. And all the Zionist a stop to it. Okay, Kevin, thank you. And all the Zionist controlling the politicians. All right, Kevin, thank you. Anytime somebody's

quoting news and it goes in some shit like that, you lose all credibility. Guys, it's got to be up. I don't want to have my fucking mic down my throat. Test one, two, three. Test one, two, three.

There you go, right there. Thank you so much uh i don't know that that's kevin from chicago does not like jewish people i think he was molested by a rabbi in the early 90s and still fucking furious about it i'd rather have uh hold hands with israel than anybody else in the middle east and we need somebody in that part of the world to hold hands with Israel than anybody else in the Middle East. And we need somebody in that part of the world to hold hands with, Kev. But you can side with the fucking Palestinians who use their women and children as, you know, fucking human shields when this shit goes down. So, you know, the lesser of two evils.

Nick, are you calling Jewish people evil? I'm calling everybody on that side of the planet evil. Looking at Ryan right now. What the fuck is he doing? What are you watching in the chat room? You're all over the place, Ryan. Are you fucking autistic? Honestly.

I'm just thinking about the sound settings. You're thinking about them? How about thinking about them before the show, you titless wonder? Why were they touched? Or am I not hearing it the same way twice it's just a little quiet today well i'm quiet oh me no no i noticed this is how i know jace i'm a stand-up comic i'm very sensitive about the sound i shouldn't have to be like this to fucking come in crystal clear that's all i'm saying i and i make these adjustments while

i'm on stage anyhow any he any front but billy yeah my buddy billy he's from a very liberal uh suburb of of boston like most suburbs i guess so am i but i just you know turn them tune them out when i was in fucking sixth grade. Not that I was that political. But we'll get to fucking the Dems and their fucking hypocritical. CNN, Allison Camerata, what a dumb, what a dumb broad this is. CNN New Day host, Allison Camerata, used to be up on fox i believe as presidential hopeful and democrat colorado governor john hickenlooper who's a real fucking ass uh he's a democrat

colorado governor uh on monday morning if and this is what she has he's a white guy should he run for the white house and and in 2020 she fucking throw the video of this life cheesy as a white guy. Should he run for the White House in 2020? She fucking show the video of this life. She's either as a white guy. Are you trying to calculate whether or not this is the right time for you? Well, this is the time it's worked out. Right. I finished my term as governor. I finished in one month and I have an opportunity to take what we've done in Colorado. We went from 40th in job creation to the number one economy in the country. We've got one of the top rural economies in the country.

I think there's a point where someone like me, I'm an entrepreneur, I'm a problem solver. So's Trump, you dink. Bringing people together that historically have been antagonistic. Oh, yeah. Unite people in Colorado. That's tough. Someone that can bring the divided parts of the country and the divided constituencies back together. So after Friday's disclosures on a scale of one to ten, ten being you're running, how close are you? You know, I'd say we're past

50-50. I think we're probably 63, 64 percent. You're at a 7. Maybe not quite, but getting there. I mean, it's an interesting time with so many candidates. Can I give you the right? Again, I look at things through a different filter than most of the other candidates out there. And I think, you know, people say Colorado's a flyover state. You know, Denver was a cow town. But we've changed dramatically in the last couple decades. And I think a lot of those changes and sort of how we did it, how we worked together, it's a message that people should hear, even if they decide they want to make sure that we have the first African-American woman as president.

The lessons from Colorado still have value. Sounds like you are leaning towards running any announcement you'd like to make. Did she ask the white guy question? At the beginning. What did I give you for time i let you fucking you sure jace okay well anyways this is what i think about the her if i could i grab this microphone i beat your brains out with it because that's what she deserves that's what she deserves problem you're the fucking problem you fucking dr y onking jam rag arkin spunk bubble i'm telling you h

you keep looking at me i'm to put you in the fucking ground. Yeah, big Unita. It's hard to unite a state that's fucking high on weed. That's how you unite people. Say weed is good. Can you imagine her asking that to a black man? Somebody asked Obama, yeah, as a black guy, you think she'd be running in?

Think about that question for one second. It might have made sense in 2008 because we hadn't had a black president. Can you imagine somebody asking a black guy running now? Well, you're a black guy. And after Obama and how he lost over 1,000 legislative seats while he was in office in eight years, do you think as a black guy you really want to run in 2020? That'd actually be a relevant question.

But she's so blinded by her PC horseshit cockapoo poo. It's fucking, well, it's laughable, isn't it? I don't know. I wouldn't be comfortable with a guy, President fucking Hickenlooper. President Hickenlooper is broken the Deutsch and rousing the world.

They have, what, almost 40 people running for president at the Dem Party. What does that tell you? You think they all have the same message? Uh-uh. They have no fucking clue. From Ocasio-Cortez, who's a 11-year-old Latina, you think they all have the same mess uh-uh they have no fucking clue from acacio cortez

who's a uh 11 year old latina who pretends she's from the bronx actually grew up a town bordering the one i'm talking to you from a rich stuffy area of westchester from her all the way to fucking hicking looper and uh who else oh Cory Booker, who actually admitted to molesting like a fucking underage girl. So, but you know, good luck with that. Here's how it's going to go, folks. Here's how it's going to go. The Dems have control of the House

come the new year, and they're going to look to impeach. They've already said it. They've already laid out their playbook. They're going to fucking obstruct Trump at every move, try to impeach him. And the country's going to go, you know what? I got more money in my paycheck for the last year.

You are gone. Pelosi will be crying on her leathery nipples. Ba-ba-bee-bom-bom-bom. So, Ellison Camerata, good job, though. Excellent reporting. But here's why I hate licking, hicking, bicking, dicking Looper. You know how I feel about adults

who reference bullies and bullying when it should only be kids? He says, she says, Trump has an uncanny ability to keep all eyes on him. He certainly can command a rally. He's a big presence in a room. How do you win against that? This is what Hickenlooper says.

Oh, you know, it's funny. He's a big presence in a room, but it's all based around bluster. In a basic way, he's a kind of bully. Right away, you know this guy's a pussy. You step back and you look at him. You know, you grew up a skinny kid with thick glasses and a name like Hickenlooper. I grew up dealing with bullies on the playground. Another victim, another perpetual victim, another grown man referencing being bullied 50 years ago. Let it go, pussy. That's exactly what's wrong with the world. You know what? We've all been bullied and we've all bullied

someone. What do you think of that? Think about that for five seconds. I grew up dealing with bullies on the playground. It's not that hard, right? He goes, A, you ignore them. And when they say something that's antagonistic, you twist it just a little bit so they become the butt of their own attack. In other words, you use humor to marginalize them. And your boy, are you a funny fuck? I could just tell from that 60 second blurb that you are a bag of laughs. You know, if people don't pay attention to a bully, they get frustrated and they go away.

Problem? You're the fucking problem? You fucking Dr. Y onking jam rag onking spunk bubble, I'm telling you H, you keep looking at me, I'm gonna put you in the fucking ground, I promise you. Not this time. He says, I think the democrats across the country are going to help decide that i'm not sure it's clear what it is exactly needed but i do know there are a lot

of strong opinions that list shows the strength of democrat parties no it shows they don't know what they're talking about you get everybody from moderates to fucking ocasioio-Cortez, you know, a fucking self-avowed socialist slash communist. So your message is this fucking wide. When you have a point of view, and this goes for stand-up, it should be like this, not like this. When your message is like this, your point of view is this wide,

you're what we call a crowd pleaser, as opposed to a real comic. Comey grilled for six hours Friday behind closed doors. They should leave the doors open.

It gets very stuffy in there. And, you know, a lot of people fart farting all the old fucking crusty white republicans uh but republicans are calling him back for more we had more questions and we had time said trey gowdy who doesn't know where to part his hair is he still around this guy fucking barks but he never bites he's the chairman of the house oversight committee i thought he was going to quit open a fucking hair salon called the chop shop comey agreed to return december 17th but questioned what more republicans wanted to know well there's a ton more we want to know gerald nadler democrat new york need i say more says he plans to shut down the gop inquiry once he becomes chairman of the Judiciary Committee. It's a waste of time to start, Nadler said.

The entire purpose of this investigation is to cast dispersion on the real investigation by Mueller. There's no evidence whatsoever of bias in the FBI. There isn't? How about Comey coming out this weekend and going, you've got to vote Democrat? He said this on Sunday at the YMCA on 92nd Street, Manhattan. Ooh, what a ballsy statement. You got to vote Democrat to stop this shit. Oh yeah, shows you a truly objective during the whole fucking thing. But Republican Daryl Issa accused Comey's FBI lawyer of preventing him from being forthcoming, a notion that was rejected by

Democrats. Comey and at least one Republican, I'm guessing Jeff Flake. One of the disappointments of this deposition so far has been the amount of times in which the FBI believes that Congress doesn't have a right to know ISIS. ISIS told reporters. I don't know nothing about that. I don't know nothing about that. He added the Department of Justice is going to have to agree to allow him to come back and answer a great many questions that currently he is, he meaning Comey, is not answering. Are you saying he knows nothing about these matters? To my knowledge, nothing.

I'm going to find out what the hell happened here. Mark Meadows, Republican North Carolina, who I'm not impressed with, said Comey's FBI lawyer pushed back on questions on the ongoing Mueller probe, which was consistent with past congressional interviews. Comey defended the Mueller probe as important and said it's being handled very professionally. He rejected the GOP's claims

that the Justice Department improperly sought surveillance on a Trump campaign advisor, Carter Page, to launch the Russia probe. We already have evidence of that. Okay, so I don't know what he's talking about. While Comey praised Trump's nominee for Attorney General, William Barr, he blasted Trump's repeated public gripes with the justice system. Here's video one of Comey after he was grilled this weekend.

Two things are clear to me. One, we could have done this in open settings. And two, when you read the transcript, you will see that we're talking again about Hillary Clinton's emails for heaven's sake. So I'm not sure we need to do this at all. Really? She deleted 33,000 fucking emails and you chose not to fucking dig deeper into that and you wonder why we're still talking about it you cheese eater here's video two of the lying cocksucker the president's attacks on the justice department broadly and the fbi are something that no matter what political party you're in you should find deeply troubling and continue to speak out about not become numb to attacks on the rule of law.

But with the firing of Sessions specifically, that's not something I can comment on. Director Comey, can I ask you a question on FISA abuse? It's a major issue for the Republicans. Did you have total confidence in the dossier when you used it to secure a surveillance warrant and also in the subsequent renewals? I have total confidence that the FISA process was followed and that the entire case was handled in a thoughtful, responsible way by DOJ and the FBI. I think the notion that FISA was abused here is nonsense. You're fucking crazy.

The whole FISA thing was on the up and up? Really? It's all been fucking laid out. Get your finger out of your nose. Thank you. Fucking Ryan's digging for gold over there. I don't know what to... Really? The Pfizer thing? It's all

been fucking laid out. The fucking false dossier and Christopher Steele. Does this guy watch the news? What the fuck's going on? I really don't know. But there's obviously, you don't have to be a political genius,

because I'm not, just to see how they're grilling the people that they fucking, that Mueller's going after and the Trump administration, as opposed to how they handle the Hillary Clinton email scandal. Just total hypocrisy.

And it's coming to light. This is what happened one side, in my opinion. Maybe Mueller has a bombshell. I fucking doubt it. But he's been exposed, and the whole fucking thing's a ploy. That is just my opinion, ladies and gentlemen. How about you? 833-599-NICK. Tyler calling me to give me a hard time about the uh patriots

tyler what up brother in new hampshire nick man jesus christ you could have put fucking billy burr on the goddamn goal line and he would have knocked him out of fucking bounds j Jesus fucking Christ. Did you see that? I did see it. Relax. How old are you? Let me ask you a question. How old are you, Tyler?

I'm 34 years old. I mean, I've seen every team here win. You know, they all won. You know what I mean? Yeah, I could have told you that. For Christ's sake. I mean, the Cleveland Browns would have made that play. Hold on.

But you're showing your age by getting excited about this. I'm 57 in about a month and a half. I started watching the Patriots in 1968. Okay. I watched them be the laughingstock of the NFL for over 20 fucking years. And now we have five rings. And that's all you're used to, by the way. I see something like this.

It doesn't even bother me anymore. It doesn't. I know what you're saying, putting Gronk back in. I don't know. But relax, Tyler. I mean, hold on, hold on. You've seen the Patriots win how many Super Bowls? Five?

Five. You don't go to eight. I saw them win five. I mean, you know, you can't knock that. But Jesus Christ, who loses a game like that? A lot of teams. That's my point. It just reminds you and people your age that they're fucking human beings, and so is Belichick.

That's what I'm saying. Me watching, I went, okay. Yeah, no, you're right. A few years ago, it would have made me crazy when I was younger, but it just reminds you young guys who are so used to winning that, you know, that, hey, they're fucking human. And if Gronk made the tackle or whatever, knocked down a pass, you guys would be blowing Belichick.

So it's going to happen. This isn't scripted shit. This is real life. But you know what, Tyler? In the end, buddy, I don't think they have enough this year to, I don't see enough of a pass rush and shit. But you know what? We can never, you and I can never second guess pelichick i think he's proven he

knows what he's doing no yeah they they know they've you know they've done enough they ain't gonna get it this year but you know maybe not call in and give you shit all right i lose my mind a little bit but i appreciate your show man keep it up man up, man. Thanks, Tyler. Oh, my God, he's a molester. He's got a kid tied to a radiator, and he's talking about the Patriots. I mean, Jesus, H. But that's how I feel. I was laughing reading all these people freaking out online about this fucking thing. Like the game means anything.

Like the Dolphins are going anywhere. But it is shocking to see, you know, Belichick defense fuck up so egregiously. But like I said, it's more of a reminder that, hey, you know what? Shit does go wrong. And Tyler asks, what kind of team does that have? What are you talking about? How about the Cleveland Browns? How about the fucking 24 other teams?

The Buffalo Bills, the Jets. Remember Sanchez burying his face in some guy's ass and fumbling? The famous stuff happens all the time. You know what's ironic? You asked me that question. The Miami Dolphins against the San Diego Chargers when I was a teenager, it was a playoff game. The charges did that to the Dolphins in a playoff game. They did the old hook and ladder, I believe. I hope I'm not confusing my games.

But the same thing. They threw a pass over the middle. It was the last play of the game. One of the charges caught it. I might be confusing my... Or it might have been a Dolphin. I don't know. But they lateraled and they won the game. So it does happen um i'm gonna hold on i have a clip i'm glad tyler i'm waiting for billy to call it uh skype in because it was a good lead in the

timing was perfect i i have a clip of uh a patriots fan older than me, believe it or not, freaking the fuck out. And I'm going to show the clip right now, and then we're going to bring Billy in on Skype. But here's a... Here is a... This is me or Billy Burr. It's me probably in 30 years.

Billy in maybe, you know, fucking 45 years watching the Patriots when shit went wrong here's the uh clip this is scaring me right now watch this oh my god they won oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my how do you lose like that oh my god how do you lose like that? Oh my God. How do you lose like that? Oh my God. Oh my God. How do you lose like that? They won.

We just lost. No, I mean I... Lost play in the game. No time left. Oh my God. Crampy, alright? How did that happen? A freak play.

A crazy play. How could it happen? How could it happen? Where the fuck are they all? They gotta keep the other end of the goal line safe. Oh my god. Jesus Christ.

You knew they were gonna do it. Are you shitting me? Look at this! Let's bring in Billy. Timing was perfect. Oh, God. Yeah, that's what I was doing. Pull him up on Skype, fellas.

There you are. Look at Billy. How are you? You look like a fucking pride. I got my stupid headphones to work here something that'll work Let me see if these ones will work hold on a second. No they work good My headphones aren't working for me though. Oh It's about me Nick. It's not about you here. Here we go

It's about you guys making a hundred grand Billy's making a hundred grand a minute, but it's about him I'm doing a show for my house. You look like a drunk pilot on fucking United right now. I feel like a drunk pilot. How Billy, how funny. First of all, thanks for joining us, man. This is my, my fans fucking love you. Cause they know good standup. And how funny was that clip I just showed?

Is that not you, us, me and you in a few years? How funny was that clip I just showed? Is that not you, us, me, and you in a few years? No, I was actually impressed that he didn't lose it quicker. He was just going, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Then finally the me came out. How the fuck are you going to have a fucking guy?

I was like, all right, there you go. How about the fucking woman is 102 with a walkie going, what happened? She's got like 10... She's got 10 grand on the pads covering. What the fuck happened? No, dude, I got like 10 of my friends. I got a buddy of mine I was just talking to. He was like, you know, we kicked that field goal. He goes, I went upstairs

to wake my son up from a nap. He goes, I came back downstairs like a minute later and all the dolphins were jumping all over each other. We were just going like, how did we lose that? I actually knew, because I taped the game, so I knew something crazy happened. I didn't know what, because one of my buddies texted me just how we drew it up. Sorry.

So I was like, alright. So then I was expecting like a Hail Mary. When he threw it like 20 yards, I was like, how in God's name did they score on this play? I love after the lateral when that guy just started running and all the pass was sort of running with him. Yeah. It was like an escort.

It reminded me like when I used to watch like when Eric Dickerson, you'd watch his like when he was in high school, like his highlights, and you're like, why is everybody running with him? It's like, oh, they can't tackle him. Yeah. Do you remember the game I'm talking about? I don't know if you're like, why is everybody running with them? It's like, oh, they can't tackle them. Yeah. Do you remember the game I'm talking about? I don't know if you're too young. When I was in my teens, it was the Dolphins and the Chargers.

I'm thinking it's the game with, remember Kellen Winslow? Kellen Winslow, yeah. Carried him off the field. Yes, because he was dehydrated and shit. Was that the lateral game or am I thinking of another? It was another game. Was it? That was the hook and lateral. And I actually, I thought that that won the game, or am I thinking of another? It was another game. Was it? That was the hook and lateral, and I actually thought that that won the game,

but it didn't. That was the – Overtime. I think – You're right. Yeah, it was something like that. Yeah, it went into overtime, and Kellen Winslow blocked the shot, and then people on the Dolphins were trying to say that years later

that he hammed it up for him. You know what I mean? Like, remember when Paul Pierce – I love Paul Pierce. Remember when they wheeled him off literally in a wheelchair and 10 minutes later he came back, it's just like, oh my God, this guy beat paralysis.

He's on a spine board and he comes back. Yeah, that would even have me questioning a bit. You know what he was trying to do, Paul Pierce, there? He was trying to pull a Willis Reed back in the 70s

when Willis Reed went off in a Knicks game. It was the seventh game of a playoff game or whatever. Went off at halftime with a hammy and came back and he buried, you know. He only scored two points in the second half. Like I was saying, goddammit, why would you know that? Out of all the fucking guys I've interviewed. Because

for years I thought he came out and took over the game. He didn't. It was just his mere presence. Rappaport made this For years, I thought he came out and took over the game. He didn't. It was just his mere presence. You're right. Rappaport made this great documentary about when the Garden was eaten. It was about the Knicks, and it was this footage I've never seen anywhere other than in his documentary. Reed fought an entire team, and he beat up a whole bench.

I mean, it was like crazy. It's just like six foot five, six foot six inch guys just jumping out of the way or going flying because he hit them. They cut back to Willis Reed. Classic real deal tough guy. He just goes, it was a good fight. Good fight. You beat up a

professional basketball team. That reminds me of John Wensink challenging the whole, was it the Minnesota North Stars? North Stars, yep. Remember he challenged a whole bench to a fight? The Bruins had this goon who they brought up after he bit a guy's ear off in junior hockey, by the way. My friend John Barberi in like fifth grade said,

they got a guy who bit a guy's ear off, they're bringing him up, and fuck, and next thing you know, Wensink comes up. Yeah. And they challenged the whole Penguins bench after a brawl. Nobody would come off the bench. He was so crazy. He was. He was a lunatic. That was the generation of Bruins.

I came right after that where a few of those guys were left over. Cashman, Stan Jonathan, Terry O'Reilly. I watched right after. I started watching in like 1980 when Bork still had the porn stash and was wearing Espo's number. Yeah. Yeah. Back then when they had the Crowdersash and was wearing that number. Yeah. Back then when they had the Crowders, both Crowders, Keith Crowder and somebody,

and Bruce Crowder. I'm that much older than you. Yeah, Norman, that was a fucking tragedy, man. Hey, let me ask you a question. You're a dad, kind of a new, which I can't picture you. I know you, you're a comic. You've done bits about how irresponsible you know you. You're a comic.

You've done bits about how irresponsible you are and fucking lazy like a comedian. What, has it changed you completely as an adult like I always hear? Two-year-old girl he has, by the way. Yeah. People like to lay it on pretty thick. Parents, it's this weird sort of competition to try to top each other's how much my life changed after I had a kid. Yes. Mine changed in that I love my kid and it's awesome being a dad. And but but as far as like, you know, I don't look at like, you know, I you know, the parent that I hated was the guy who was a complete knucklehead. Then he becomes a parent. He starts wearing sweaters and he stops cursing and he tries to like whitewash his past.

It's like, dude, you were doing keg stands. You got arrested for drinking and driving. Yeah. So it's like I understand that you got to like, you know, you got to be an example to your kid. But I think you also have to be, I mean, look, I'm only two years into the gig here, but I mean, I feel like you have to be like honest with them and stuff like that. So, uh, it's, it's been great. And, you know, and I just try to avoid most parents cause a lot of them, uh, I don't know, you know, people love knowing things.

So like, yeah. So like if you have a two year old and their kid is like two years and three months, you're going to get a dissertation from them on what to expect over the next 90 days. And it's just like, I just like tune it out, you know, because most of it's like, oh, you wait. No, two is a great age, but two years and three months, you wait to see what's going to happen. It's like, shut up. It's like, I always just, like, if I can't get out of it, I'll eventually, I just say like, uh, you know, you sound like a terrible mother. I'll say you sound like a terrible dad. Like, no, no, no.

It's great. It's great. It's just, then why are you just forecasting gloom and doom? Cause I'm really enjoying the job. And no, no, she, she's awesome. And, and new dads today can't do that shit. If they were knuckleheads, uh, a few years ago, we have it all on social media where they're doing their cake stands and fucking snorting coke off strippers we have it all documented so i know i i love how

also like you know what they did with kevin when they went back like eight years it's like who was the same person eight years ago and it's just like no frozen in time this thing and then then it's like so then what every time he gets like some gig like that they're just going to keep bringing that up and then i was really disappointed that other performers piled on right after he lost the gig it's like they already it's over he's already laying there on the ground so now you're going to come over and kick him a few times to get what a couple more twitter followers or so somebody can say you're brave. You know, I mean, I don't know. I feel like, you know, human beings are incredibly, you know, we...

Flawed, yeah, we screw up a lot. So it's just like, you got to kind of look at the overall, and I got to be honest with you, that guy's one of the, you know, you know him, I mean... He's one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet in the business. Yeah, he made it, he goes back into his neighborhood, he's helping people get in shape. I mean, he made it. He goes back into his neighborhood. He's helping people get in shape. I mean, he's doing all kinds of wonderful things that, quite frankly, he doesn't need to be doing.

He could just sit there and do movies and do arenas, but he actually tries to. He helps younger comics out. Like Keith Robinson? Yeah. Remembers people's names and stuff like that. There's a lot of good positive things about that guy. And, you know, I understand why they don't want that type of stuff out there. But, like, there also has to be, you got to give somebody a chance to redeem themselves.

And I think if every time you rub their nose in their own shit, you know, I don't think that that works. It's one of the few times it makes me feel happy to be my as old as i am because i my life wasn't chronicled while i was doing all the dumb shit on video and on you know i mean all my stuff i feel lucky that i grew up in the 70s 80s and 90s i was kind of joking with my buddy i got i kind of feel like we're like the last like sort of fun generation it was like before um you know colin bine it was before 9-11 right and and it was before like like paul like you know back when people you know you didn't say who you voted for don't bring up politics or religion you know let's go out to dinner you know let's keep it nice and and i'm not saying

obviously there weren't problems back then but like you know there wasn't internet porn i got to have a childhood can you imagine if that shit was around when i was oh my god i can't like these kids nowadays it's like they're eight years old and the brain damage they have it's like they've been on the vice squad for like 40 years so um it's a great fucking line no but dude it's true like i read this whole thing on it when i was sitting there going i'm watching too much internet porn and i i uh i was reading rolling stone or something like that they had they had an article in there they were talking about how uh you know there's kids that they watch so much pornography before their first actual experience

with another person to the point when they're touched their body doesn't respond yeah like they're like these jade they should be smoking cigarettes eating donuts like it's gonna take more than that honey you know uh desensitized absolutely yes yes it's like teens and it's kind of like wow man like what they missed out on like i remember like on like my first date i was at the movies that's how young i was and literally her hand the side of her hand brushed the side of my hand and i felt like this this jolt goes oh yeah it was just i couldn't believe it i was just like this is like magic yeah you know not now she could be now she could be peeing on your head and the guy

wouldn't blink he's like what's that yeah i'm tired come on i i you know i just watched this shirt you know it's not that you're peeing on me i just really like this shirt i had a joke about that as an open mic or i actually had a joke about it, and it wasn't even porn, it wasn't even, this is what, when did I do that? 87, I was an open mic-er. But I had a joke about how desensitized, and I guess it was porn, but it wasn't internet shit, that wasn't big yet, but I had that joke, and a guy would go out with a girl the first time and come home

and, you know, back in the day, the friends would be like, so did you kiss her, or whatever the fuck? Now it's like, how many fingers did you get in her ass? That's like, you know. Wow, your dick jokes were ahead of their time. I was very prescient. I was very prescient when it comes to porn. I whacked off to the Indian on the Land O'Lakes Butterbox.

That was my whole bit on fucking evolution of porn. That's how fucking old and embarrassing it is. Speaking of, how's the animated thing going, Billy? F of Family, right? Third season? F of Family. It's going great. It's third season just came out.

The, you know, it's Netflix, so you don't get ratings, but it seems like it's doing well. So hopefully, you know, we get another one. We get to go in there and continue the story. But it's really fun to write a serialized show, especially as an animated show. It's just really interesting where because one of my favorite shows as a kid, I like Johnny Quest because if somebody got shot, they died. And I thought that that I thought that was really cool after seeing the coyotes fall off the cliff and be fine. Yeah, he was he was like an accordion for a couple of steps.

Yeah, he'd get hit with an anvil, and he was fine. Yeah. That's why I hated, that's when I started to turn off on cartoons as a kid. When, like Scooby-Doo, it was like watching a detective show. They might as well have had actors. You know what I mean? It wasn't, the whole idea of animation.

You know, well, it's twofold. But I did like when, like, here's a scenario. Remember the Pink Panther? Yeah. This still is in my head. He's laying, he gets hit by an anvil and he gets crunched. He's all fucking wrinkly. He lays himself on an ironing board.

He's ironing himself with an iron. There you go. The phone rings. He picks up the phone, forgets the irons on his stomach. It burns a hole through his stomach. So he grabs an alarm clock, puts it in the hole, and the alarm clock goes off and he vibrates off the fucking, that was cartoon stuff.

Do you know what? The pink Panther had the best sound of somebody falling on the ground. It's an iconic sound. And it sounds like the air is coming out of somebody and the sound of just like somebody hitting the ground. And I, they've actually used that sound effect in, in movies today.

It was, it was the perfect, I don't know who can, you know, they always do like those behind the scenes with the people, you know, punching lettuce, you know, to make the sound effects, like if I had a lettuce for a fight, and I was just like,

who was the guy that did that sound effect, who's now like 102 and was like, that was me in 1948. Yeah, they give the guy behind, the three stooges gave the guy that did all the sound effects for them, they gave him a ton of credit, you know? Oh yeah. remember the stooges getting hit with a fucking wrench and uh uh real quickly i talked to you earlier you said you're gonna make a sundae tomato sauce

and yeah i'm looking at you just looking at you i don't think you know what you're doing so if you need a different world man i know everything's all infused now back in the day like how how much of an ass kicking i would have had to get just to get into your italian american neighborhood just even realized that that dish existed um i grew up in the neighborhood like you billy be honest with you fucking i was in you know danvers rich middle-class suburb, all white. I remember my first car loan was there. Danvers Savings Bank. Why? One Conan Street.

Why? Why? Why was it in Danvers? I don't know why. My dad had a good relationship with that bank, so we drove all the way up to the North Shore to get a loan on my first car. Here's what you want to do. This is right from Italy. get a cheap pork loin right like six or seven dollars pretty sure you can afford

it i see you selling out stadiums in europe and uh just uh just uh yeah braise the the pork loin and a little bit of oil you know braise it slowlyise it slowly and actually cut it up in chunks first and then braise it slowly. Take the meat out. Then you put in your onions and garlic. This is important because you might have to cook for 12 or 14 people someday. And put in the onions and garlic and the tomatoes

and put the meat back in. You were asking about that earlier. And let it simmer slow for a couple hours. Well, here's the question. Do you take any of that grease out of the pan? No, you don't. A little bit. No, you don't. Here's what you do, though.

At the end, you're going to have a layer of grease coming from the top, which is a sign you're doing it right. That you can sort of scoop off the top. And you scoop it off with a wooden spoon or whatever? Yeah, up your nose with a straw, the way Sweeney used to do it. Yeah. Yeah. No use the fucking No, you're Irish use a beer bottle just kind of But yeah, no, yeah, just scoop it off of the ladle just a little bit

but that's a sign you're making a great sauce and but don't forget the unnoticed garlic and and and and and that that's my grandma's recipe from a brutsi and then you know shred the meat up and put it back in if you want it's already in there but whatever that's all it is I'm going to send you a clip of a guy because I started watching this

this guy what's his name I forget his name he's out in San Francisco and he makes all these my name is so and so I live on the hill. Every, every morning I walk down and I buy the ingredients that I'm going to cook that evening. My name is so-and-so. And this is, and this is what's left of the Italian American section in San Francisco. So he makes a Sunday gravy and on YouTube, I end up clicking on this other guy,

this Canadian dude, who has some sort of substance abuse problem. He's kind of getting hammered. He's baking, he's cooking it by himself. And he just, at one point, launched off into this tangent of some woman trying to cut him at his doctor's office,

where he said, my doctor's trying to give me my dope. And I got to send you this clip, dude. This is a cooking clip? Yeah. Oh, my God. It's everything that makes the internet great. I'll send you the clip.

I don't want you to post it because I don't want to get the guy in trouble. Yeah, no, no, no. It's fucking funny as hell, man. It's a nice Sunday gravy with a Hep C. Fucking touch of Hep C in it. Oh, no. He's smoking butts and stuff.

He's like throwing his lighter down. It's hitting the frigging salt shaker. It's hilarious. I got to check that out. Billy, I'm going to let you go, but you're going to Europe. This is a fucking... Yes, I am. This is a rock star comic.

And Billy, you know, I know this. The one thing I do know is comedy. It's the only thing I know how to do for a living I really do think you're the best out there today and and you and oh you know and fucking Louie to me and there's very few guys I idolize I I text Billy I was coming home from doing a morning radio in Connecticut and you came on on satellite radio the rescue dog bit and I actually text Billy. I go, this made me feel two ways. It inspired me to write some more.

And it made me, and then on the other hand, it made me want to quit comedy because that rescue dog, I don't, I'm jaded. I've been doing this 30 years. I don't laugh at anything anymore, unless it's somebody getting hurt seriously on the field or whatever.

But I was fucking, I had to text Billy and it was just fucking, I was happy and depressed and all in one so uh where are you going in europe well we'll probably put your dates up right after we're done with you here but uh i know cologne germany you call germany which i learned last time i was there was one of the most bombed cities in world war ii that's definitely saying something uh berlin um i'm going to Budapest, Warsaw, Prague,

Jesus, Estonia, Latvia and everything. Well, that's like, you know, one of the few things that I, I kind of saw it for what it was,

was Netflix. And I kind of looked at that and I was like, cause I was already starting to go overseas and I wanted to keep expanding. Yep. And I saw like everywhere I was going, either net in the beginning and Netflix was either on their way to being there or was already there. That was my first tour.

And by the next tour I went to, they were just everywhere. But I was able to, you know, and I have my little tricks on how to sell tickets over there. Like I just started following Liverpool in the premier league. So now I can talk about the game and then I just make fun of people. I make fun of their stadiums,

and I just sort of give them shit. And it's just funny for them, hopefully, to hear some yank talking about their sport, and then it will make them want to come out to the show. So it's my own sort of weird marketing that I do. No, it's brilliant, because my next question to you was, I've done a little of it. I did Manchester Festival, Manchester, England.

They have fun. Those guys have fun over there. Yeah, but any time I've done a little of it. I mean, you know, I did Manchester Festival, Manchester, England. They have fun. Those guys have fun over there. Yeah, but anytime I've gone overseas, I did Hong Kong, but those are expats in the audience, so it went pretty well. But even Canada, I noticed a lot of my American, Americana references fall on deaf ears. Do you, you don't find that?

Is your stuff like, must be like... No, I just, no, I just, I just act like I'm here. The mistake I made when I first went over was thinking everything. The last thing I remember thinking about was I had some bit where I was going to use a squirrel as a reference. And I'm standing on stage in London thinking like, wait, do they have squirrels? Did I see a squirrel? Did I walk through a park? Do they have squirrels? Did I see a squirrel? Did I walk through a park? Do they have squirrels?

They cute them like rats over there. Yeah, well, they have those little red ones. They don't have the big gray ones, but they do have squirrels. So they have ginger squirrels over there, Nick, right? Irish squirrels. Yeah, I was on my heels. So then they got on their heels, and I just started bombing. So then I was kind of

pissed about that i had a bad show then i went to oslo it was just a drinking crowd and i was just like fuck this i just walked out there like i was going on at the store or you know at the comic strip or something and um and i just clicked and they just they get a ton of um references and everything and uh you know but what i find is you know i just got to do a ton of references and everything. But what I find is you've got to do a couple of them to get it under your belt, kind of know which things to steer away from and what to hit a little bit harder, and it works out. Must be.

I mean, you're selling tickets like crazy. Yeah, I remember being up. I was in England, Manchester, england and uh i'm like oh my god i'd see the next bit coming in my head and i'm like oh this has like three subway sandwich shop references in it what the yeah do they know where syracuse is is there a syracuse england uh all right billy hey man i i can't thank you enough. And like I said, you're as good as anybody doing this ever, in my opinion. Hey, right back at you. Right back at you.

We were telling DePaulo stories the other night. We went out to get a steak dinner, and we were talking about it was Nick says something horrific that loses the crowd, and then his next joke gets an applause break. Story. Yeah, I'm trying to stop that pattern, man. I make a lot of work for myself. But go to BillyBird.com, I think, right? Is that where we're going to put your dates up?

So kill it over there, Billy. And hopefully we'll talk to you again. I can't thank you enough, buddy. All right, I'm going to send you that clip. Watch it after the show. Oh, I will. And tell me I said hi. Okay, buddy. See you. All right, see you. to send you that clip. Watch it after the show. Oh, I will. And tell me I said hi. Okay, buddy.

See you. All right, see you. Bye-bye. Bye. The great Billy Burr. Dude, can we put his website up there? And seriously, I think he's as good as anybody that's done it, man. He's like every guy I grew up with in Massachusetts.

He looks like every guy I got in a fight with when I was young with those blonde reddish eyelashes, and they hated me because I was tan and Italian. It would be fistfights from fifth grade to high school. And look at this. I mean, some of these are sold out already. Budapest, Hungary, Warsaw, Poland, Berlin, Germany, Prague, Czech Republic, Vienna, Austria, Vienna, Austria, Atlantic City, New Jersey. Okay, how'd that get in there? All right, that's fine. I just wanted to put up his... That's a fucking rock star.

I'll be at Pleasantville, New York about a stone's throw from my house in a... But I don't like traveling there. I'm almost fearful that ever happened to me. I hate anything more than an hour and a half flight. But he's as good as they get. I'm going to brag about my hometown. You get Louis from Boston, Billy Burr, Joe Rogan, Leno, Conan, Stephen Wright, Paula Poundstone.

I don't know what it is. In all the other comics in the 80s when it was booming, Boston was the mecca. You had people like Bobcat moving to Boston, Janine Garoppolo, people from Greg Proulx. I mean, everybody was moving to Boston, and everybody I grew up with was as funny of me, if not funnier. My best friend Bob Murphy was the funniest.

Still to this day, he could have been Letterman before Letterman was Letterman but anyway thank you so much Billy for doing that and check out F is for family super chats yeah go ahead so I got Patrick door saying Bill Burr was how I got into Nick he said another senseless killing was his favorite special of that year he said Bill Burr said that and so Patrick door checked it out from Bill Burr's recommendation. You know why that's a great, that's like flattering to me because that's my favorite of what I've done of all the albums I've done,

Another Senseless Killing. And I shot it in a club, a comedy club. So Netflix, they poo-pooed that. They want a grandiose theater look or whatever. That, and i was a white older white guy but um the fact that billy liked that album just tells me that's my favorite album so uh gives it some credibility what else here we got mike rossi saying that you two are the best two comics ever hands down well i appreciate that mike and and and billy is just uh yeah i i don't

like i said i've been doing this forever so I don't I don't laugh I don't get excited about many comics but when one of his comes on the radio one of his clips it's like hearing a stone song same with David Tell and fucking Louie and Colin Quinn I revere these guys so

and we got a couple of unrelated ones but one I do want to mention is Bedros Peter bedrosian says hey nick love your comedy please wish uh bunny galore speedy recovery keep up the fight and the bears got your back from armenia you know first of all thank you for bunny galore is the one who monitors the chat rooms does a lot of stuff for the show behind the scenes she had some surgery on her face she has a nerve problem and she's uh we hope she's recovering uh and and things went well she's uh she's one of these uh you know can learn the internet like that

and she's done wonders with it with uh owen benjamin show and uh you need people like this that know the industry she worked in the in the comedy uh world uh in boston and stuff and she does a ton of stuff for this show behind the scenes and yeah bunny please please get well soon because uh we're gonna need you here absolutely thank you for reminding me of that pete anything else fella i got a couple about football a couple about Kevin Hart. If you want to read those. Go ahead. So Mike Rossi said, after watching the NFL kicking shit show yesterday, Nick, can you remember if there was ever a black NFL kicker? I can't even remember one.

As far as field goal kicker, I don't. As far as punters, I do. Reggie Roby for the Miami Dolphins, of course, he was like 6'4", 260, and used to literally kick it. It would hit planes going by. He was unbelievable. And there's another black – there are a few black punters. I don't remember a black kicker.

That's a great question. I don't remember one – I'm not saying there isn't. I don't remember one in college or even the pros. Yeah, that's a great question. Most of them – that's because the soccer style guys come from Europe, you know? What are you saying? There's no black soccer players? I guess that was a dumb statement on my part, but go ahead.

Actually, Bunny Galore is actually in the chat right now working. Wow. The great ones play hurt, Bunny. The great ones play hurt. I hope you got that skunk cabbage I mailed to you from 1-800-SKUNK-CABBAGE. Tom Stone says, could you imagine the riots if Detroit ever won a Super Bowl? Nope, just another day in the D. Yeah, you wouldn't know if it was a Thursday

or a Super Bowl Sunday. There'd be no reaction whatsoever. I don't know. They might surprise us, you know, because they've never won anything. They might actually be the only city that's grateful enough. Let's not fucking burn down our own neighborhoods. Let's wait for a white cop to fucking start you before we do that. We got one last one from Patrick Dorn.

Nick, it might be unrelated, but what do you think of Kevin Hart backing down? I hate it. I think SIG told him to or else would love to see you host. What do you mean backing down? He didn't back down by saying, I'm not going to apologize. That's not backing down. It's doing the opposite.

So I disagree there. He didn't backing down, be going, yeah, I apologize. Now I'm going to take the money in the check. I love Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart came to the comedy cellar years ago.

Right. When we were doing tough crowd, he sat at the table the first night. We knew this guy's going to be, he had that charisma, funny. His standup is funny and most of it's family stuff. So it's so fucking unfair. And, but you know what? He's set for life 20 times over.

He'll get over it. I think he meant Kevin Hart stepping down from being the host. He, but that's not, okay. But that's, I don't know if that's how you worded it. You said backing down, actually. And he's not backing down. Stepping down, I agree with him because he didn't fucking apologize. And you know what? Who cares?

90% of the audience is going to be gay people. Not that that doesn't matter. And the other 10% me. Heterosexuals watching the gay people go, how do they do it? How do they win all these awards? Why can't I win something? Is that it? Hey, you guys, speaking of race and Kevin, did you see this?

A white Columbia sophomore was caught on disturbing video unleashing, it says, a racist tirade. I'll let you guys decide. Aimed at a group of students of color. Just the way this is written by Yaron Steinbuch. Aimed at a group of students of color yelling that white people are the best thing that happened to the world, according to a report. The apparently drunk student, identified by Columbia Spectator as Julian Von Ebel That's pretty fucking white. You never hear of a great running back. Julian Von Ebel breaks it outside

and there's Carl. Followed the group from Butler Library to a campus eatery at about 4 a.m. Sunday. Here's the video. He's drunk and I don't want to sound racist here. I'm still trying to look for something that he said that was untrue. We built the modern world.

We built the modern world. Who? Europeans. Europeans. Built the modern world. Are you European? We invented science and industry. Go off, go off.

We invented science and industry. And you want to tell us to stop because, oh, my God, we're so bad. We invented the modern world. I feel you. You're so dumb. We invented the modern world. All true. That might be going too far. Fuck you, white people. Fuck you, white people. Fuck you, white men. We're white men.

We did everything. I don't hate other people. I just love white men. I just love white men. I think he does love them. In all different positions. But sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Didn't say anything that was a lie there. in all different positions. But sorry, sorry, sorry.

Didn't say anything that was a lie there. Sorry. Do you see the reaction of the people of color? They're filming him like he's a zoo animal doing something horrible, like a monkey jerking off because they've been so brainwashed that everything white is evil and anything white European is fucking evil.

And all the shit he it happens to be true. So, you know, and again, you just hear some reactions. Quolani Felix, one of the harassed students. Listen to the tone of the article harassed. Who's getting harassed there? Eight people yelling at him, trying to shut him down. Freedom of speech. Quani Felix, one of the harassed there. Eight people yelling at him, trying to shut him down. Freedom of speech. Kwani Felix, one of the harassed students, called for the Ivy League University to respond

strongly to the incident. To respond to what? Freedom of speech? First Amendment? God, these poor kids are brainwashed. I really hope that Columbia takes further action. They should definitely try to talk to the students that were affected by that and ensure everyone's okay, because that's really hard to internalize are you fucking kidding me shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up make sure they're okay they were filming him and laughing at him i think they were okay do you see where we are how is this generation or generations, I should say, going to survive?

This fucking guy's giving his drunken opinion whether you like it or not. You better go to the hospital and get checked. They should have a tent on campus like they do on the side of the NFL sidelines for the concussion protocol. They should have tents all over campus after

somebody says something you disagree with, you go into the tent and make sure you're okay. What the fuck? What? Oh. University Senate,

University Senator, what the fuck is that? They have Senators. Alfredo Dominguez, gee, I wonder how he comes down. A senior studying ethnicity and race studies. It should read,

a senior being brainwashed at the university of columbia uh emailed university president lee bollinger far-legged fucking lefty uh by the way they had uh who's the guy in iran that ran i fucking i ran a few years ago uh akhmed denijad he spoke there but they won't have conservatives on there and if they do they get shut down uh yeah so alfred dominguez uh said that uh president lee bollinger uh columbia college deans james valenti and other officials calling for disciplinary disciplinary action you can have arguments all you want about free speech and people being entitled to what they say they want uh dominguez told the spectator but when that bubbles into assaulting black or brown people

did anybody see assault there? Literally words are sticks and stones to these people. Literally. Was anybody assaulted there? What's the definition of assault? Verbally assaulted? Is that the same as fucking turning a fire hose

on somebody and throwing rocks at them? What the fuck is going on? the same as fucking turning a fire hose on somebody or throwing rocks at them what the fuck is going on and then stalking them you're getting at the levels of a hate crime and your speech being directly related to violence no you're full of fucking shit you're full of fucking shit uh you can't handle the truth total bullshit said it on my radio show on CBS after the Don Imus thing they gave us a whole book of what we can and can't say and the opening lines were words hurt

and I said no words don't hurt I've never been hurt by emotionally ooh yeah that's gonna fuck me up if you had a choice somebody uh you know fucking hitting you in the head with a brick or calling you a faggot or whatever hateful word, what would you choose? They don't torture people in the Middle East. They don't tie you up and start saying words that hurt until you die.

Reminds me of that old, remember that old joke? reminds me of that old remember that old joke the guy pulls through a fucking red pulls up to a stop sign he goes through it a bit and the cop pulls him over for going through the stop sign and and the guy starts arguing with a cop and the cop said i i fucking the guy says i i i slow down the cops like he's supposed to stop and the guy goes what's the difference this cop takes out his nightstick and start beating him over the head the cop goes you want me to slow down or stop? Thank you very much, everybody. He just told a fucking story

from the early 70s. Assault? So a drunk white guy? Fucking saint. How about the Black Lives Matter students that went into the Dartmouth library? I was too lazy to pull the clip. And we're getting in the faces

of white students trying to study chanting Black Lives Matter. They were impeding those people from actually getting an education. This was a Saturday night on the campus. So, a chance encounter, if you will. I can't even believe I have to argue this shit.

You better get checked out at the doctor. Somebody disagree with your pro-black stance and that white people might have contributed something. That is a horrible injury. He's day-to-day with a fucking feelings hurt. Unbelievable. Now a story about my sister. The mugshot of an Ohio woman with a spooky full face tattoo has gone viral following her shoplifting and drugging.

I need a button that says, I need a button that says, there's something wrong with a white man's mind. There's something wrong with a white woman's mind. She got busted for shoplifting and drugging. Alyssa Zebrowski, 27, was arrested last Wednesday. wrong with a white woman's mind she could bust if a shoplifting and drive alissa zabrasky 27 was arrested last wednesday look talk about hurting for attention i'm guessing her parents if she had any spent zero quality time thing is right she doesn't even look like she's that ugly under the makeup. I wonder if she's getting a lot of guys date.

Imagine going on a first date you don't even know. I guess it's all over Facebook you wouldn't know. Tell me she's not crazy in bed. During a search at the Mahoning County Jail, cops found bags of methamphetamine and hypodermic needle, the outlet said. I don't believe she would be doing that type of drug. I figure they'd find some

baby aspirin in. Maybe some fucking... I don't know. Zabrowski has drastically altered her appearance in the past six years, transforming herself into a real-life skeletor. Social media photos had fucking

revealed. You're fucking crazy. What makes you say that? This is Zabrowski's second brush with the law in recent weeks. That's it? She was called it in November after leading police on a brief car chase. What is going on in this poor lady's life?

What is going on? Eventually she's going to commit a real crime and have to go into one of those police lineups. That'll be easy, huh? I'm going with the bitch with the skeletor face as the one who fucking stole my watch.

Are you sure it's her? Yes! She's got a cobweb on her head! Look, she made her fucking... Most girls are getting their lips shot with collagen to make them look fuller. She's making them look older and wrinkled. This broad is nuts. And she's got a...

What does she have, a watch in her throat? I don't know what that fucking circle is. I mean, it's crazy out there. Let's go to Carl in California wants to explain to me why that video with the student was racist hi Carl welcome to the show hi Nick I love you buddy but that that video was clearly right yeah you sound like your what are you Carl you're not white what are you you Carl? You're not white. What are you? You know, I'm Mexican, gay, I'm a furry, whatever the fuck you hate. Whatever I hate.

There you go. You show your ignorance right away. Let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. How do you starve a black person in 2018? How do you do what? How do you starve a black person in 2018? Oh, this sounds racist.

I don't know. I'm not going to like this joke. Let me guess. Let food stamps under their work boots. All right, Carl. Take it easy. See, now that's racist. Compare that to what the guy was saying

at Columbia. Carl goes, I'm gay, I'm Mexican, whatever you hate. If you know me and listen to the show, I don't hate either one of them. Together, I'm gay, I'm Mexican, whatever you hate. Which, if you know me and listen to the show, I don't hate either one of those. Together, I don't like it. I mean, together, it's Ricky Ricardo's kid. He's Cuban, Nick.

I know, but I like to bunch him in. It pisses the liberals off. I do that when I'm on stage. I'll know a guy's Puerto Rican, and I'll go, what are you, Colombian? What are you, fucking nuts? Okay, you're Dominican. I'm not Dominican!

It's like Italian and Sicilian. It really doesn't matter. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Let's go to Adam from Franklin, Massachusetts. He wants to talk about the crazy bitch with the tattoo on her face. Adam, what's up, Adam?

I can't even believe what I'm seeing here if your face look like that why would you shoplift twice like how you think that if your face stood out like that you'd know that they're going to know me it soon as that there are they keep everybody going on the street with that that you look at the leper

are you saying they can't be more than one person with that tattoo shopping at Walmart? She could probably be a bunch of different people up in her head. Probably totally schizophrenic. She looks out of her tits. Look at her. Why are you saying that? I think she looks perfectly normal. She just likes makeup. Let me put it to you this way.

I identify her as fucked in the head. We'll use the parlance of our time. I don't care what she identifies as. I'll identify her as... Look at her. Jesus, she looks like she did chemo and lost. Look at the big bags around her eyes. I mean, people like...

They should have caught her with a net and brought her into, like into the nearest psych ward. I kind of like her. All right, Adam. Thank you, buddy. You just insulted my sister three times. That's the jokes on you. That's my sister up there on her wedding day.

Our father who art in heaven. Let's do one more. Let's get one more political story before we go here. I've been holding a pee pee for a while. Donald Trump on Monday defended hush money payments reported by his former lawyer, responding a day after Democratic lawmakers said the U.S. president could face impeachment in jail time if the transactions are proven to violate campaign finance laws. Trump said on Twitter that Democrats were wrongly targeting a simple private transaction. Court filings last week drew renewed attention to six-figure payments made during the 2016 presidential campaign by Trump's personal lawyer to two women

so they would not discuss their alleged affairs with the candidate. Is this all Mueller's gut? Seriously, we've been talking about this for, what, a year now? We're back on the broads? It reminds me of a few good men when Nicholson's on the stand. He goes, is this all you have?

A note pinned to a footlocker? Please tell me you didn't. You know the speech. Please tell me these men's lives are not resting on a... U.S. Representative Gerald Nadler, who will lead speech please tell me these men's lives are not resting on a brump up that uh u.s representative gerald nadler who will lead the judiciary committee when democrats take control of the house

said on sunday if the payments were found to violate campaign finance laws it would be an impeachable offense they already got the knives out this is going to be fucking hilarious his democratic counterpart on the intelligence committee representative adam schiff pencil neck geek fucking charles groden looking motherfucker said trump could be indicted once he leaves office and could face the real prospect of jail time and you could face maybe actually uh i don't know touching a girl once in your life you big fucking phony pencil neck lying fucking adam schiff is the fucking devil just a little nerd i hope he get bullied so bad when he was in fucking junior high school just a piece of fucking lying guy under u.s law campaign contributions we know this defined as things

of value given to a campaign to influence an election, must be disclosed. Such payments are also limited to $2,700 per person. Earlier this year, Trump acknowledged repaying his former lawyer, Michael Cohen, for the $130,000 paid to Stephanie Clifford. That's, you know, Daniels. He previously disputed knowing anything about the payments. On Monday, the president again denied ron doing and sought to shift any blame to cohen one post misspelled the word smoking twice he put smocking uh democrats can't find a smoking gun tying the trump camp he's like me gets excited

well he's uh campaigned to russia after james come testimony. No smoking gun, no collusion, he wrote. Then he says, so now the Dems go to a simple private transaction. Wrongly call it a campaign contribution, which it was not, he wrote. He said that even if it were a campaign contribution, it would amount to a civil case, adding, but it was done correctly by a lawyer and there would not even be a fine. Lawyer's liability if he made a mistake, not mine, not me, is what Trump said. Now, I don't pretend to be a constitutional scholar here. Nobody does. But I'll tell you who is one. Alan Dershowitz. And this is what he said for the last six months about this.

Professor, did President Trump do anything wrong when he gave Cohen money out of his own pocket to make those payments? Absolutely not. If the president gave the money out of his own pocket to make those payments absolutely not if the president gave the money out of his own pocket and that's now been disputed but we have to see where the facts come out if the president gave the money out of his own pocket he's entitled to give a billion dollars a candidate Trump could have announced I'm funding my own campaign I'm putting a billion of my dollars into the campaign and I'm paying a hundred million of them to women who have accused me falsely, etc. That's a lot of pussy.

That would not be a violation of any campaign law as long as he reported it. If the campaign failed to report it, it would be on the campaign, not on the candidate himself. So if President Trump, candidate Trump, paid the money himself, there'd be no violation of law at all, either for Cohen or for Trump. If, on the other hand, Cohen did it on his own, made a campaign contribution of $280,000 to pay hush money to these women, that might be a campaign contribution, but that would be on Cohen and not on President Trump. Well, here's the president. That's the only comment from the brightest legal mind on the planet.

So I don't know. I mean, either Mueller has a lot more shit and he's just feeding little tidbits to us. Or this is if this is one of the main staples. What's that got to do with collusion oh that's right it was just a campaign finance violation but dershowitz just explained i'm going with dershowitz i'm not i'm siding with him over pelosi and gerald nadler and adam shift fucking hack lawyers slash politicians with a bias a mile long. And did you see Comey?

Comey was interviewed at the at the Y. I mentioned this earlier in the show saying vote Democrat in the next election to stop Trump. Kind of kind of undermines everything he said about him not have any bias. Well, he do you really believe somebody can say that after they're done with the job a few months later and not have those feelings while he was head of the FBI? I don't believe it for a second. Anyways, that is it

for now, folks. Big thanks to the great Billy Burr for joining us. I think we've covered it all. Tomorrow, we'll get into a little more of the stuff that went on as as far as what muller how he's questioning people in trump's administration as opposed to how he handled the the hillary thing and and call me how they handled it and uh that'll be the first

story and a lot more hilarity thank you guys so much for tuning in and remember you think it. I'll say it. You're welcome. We got fights today? No. We alternate now. I didn't want to, you know. Wednesday they're coming back. We're bringing the fights back on Wednesday. Not in a permanent. I like to, we like to alternate.

I think the shot of me pretending to be a news guy at the end, very, very professional. It's my favorite part of the news when the show's off and the camera's still on them and they're actually doodling, you know, big tits and stuff. That's how O'Reilly got caught. Oh, I'm just kidding. Anyways, that's it.

We'll see you guys who are Patreon members tomorrow. And if you're not, you should be going to nickdip.com and signing up. Take care of yourselves. See you later. Bye.