The Nick DiPaolo Show - Bonkers Biden Bites Wife | Nick DiPaolo Show #266

Episode Date: December 3, 2019

Biden likes bouncing children on his lap. Twitter CEO moving to Africa. German Christmas ornaments. Rogue Piss causes Frozen 2 shutdown.   MONDAY - THURSDAY 9PM EST #Trump #MAGA #ABreathOfFreshAir

🎵 Thank you. Oh, yeah. Oh, there it is. Richie Castellano hitting that 16th fret, son of a bitch. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Thank you. Oh, yeah.

Oh, there it is. Richie Castellano hitting that 16th fret, son of a bitch. All right. That's good. All right. Welcome, everybody, to the show on a Monday after Thanksgiving. How are you? Did you eat like a pig?

Did you fight with your crazy uncle who likes Trump? Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah. Or did you do what I do, lay on the couch like Stephen Hawking and watch 48 hours of football? Didn't move a fucking muscle. Oh, my God, it's like I had Lou Gehrig's disease. oh my god it's like I had Lou Gehrig's disease picture Lou Gehrig fucking eating a whole lemon meringue pie after fucking 12 helpings of stuffing and just going

where's the LSU game motherfucker I overwhelm myself I try to record 19 games and they always jump in and give it away you know you don't want to know the score and then oh fucking game break but that's a white person's problem, is it not? How are you? Let's fuck you in your bones first. God damn, remember one thing, I am your voice.

I am your voice. I want all of you to enjoy your cake. So, enjoy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Patriots stunk it up last night. I love every time Brady loses his cool a little bit. It's a national story. Why don't you guys, good to you good fucking football Alzheimer's,

go back and watch Dan Marino berate every receiver after every play, or any good quarterback. They've just been waiting for the Brady to fall and Belichick, every little fucking thing. But did they stink it up last night? Half the team had the flu. It said that. They were questionable.

They played like they had cancer. They were like fourth stage emphysema. Oh, my God. They look fucking tired and listless. But anyways, we'll see in the playoffs, Baltimore. Fucking if you don't get mugged on the way to the stadium, that liberal shithole. Nick, how do you bring it back to politics? It's what I do. I got I'm dressed like Bernie Sanders, fucking campaign manager, a woman.

Hey, what's going on? What was funny over the week? What else? The gift that keeps on giving. The gap machine. Joe fucking Biden. Let me tell you something about Joe Biden. And I said this the fucking day after he said he wanted to run for president. And I saw it in his eyes that he really didn't want it.

You know what he's doing now? Here's my theory on this. You know how mobsters, there's a guy, Vinny the Chin. I think he was a Gambino guy who used to walk around Greenwich Village in New York City because he was up, he was going to trial and pretend he was insane. He'd walk around in his bathrobe during the day out on the sidewalk and just mumble to himself. It was all a fucking act. He did it for like years. This is what Biden's doing.

He doesn't want to be president. So he's got to do the old, he's not sane enough to be president. He's fucking shithouse. Or he really has brain damage or something. Why am I saying that? Well, he did a couple of things over the weekend that had the country belly lapping. Listen to this creepy story he tells. He's talking about him being a lifeguard at an all-black pool, which he's brought up previously. But listen to this one. This will make the fucking hair on your legs curl up. And it get hot.

I got a lot of that. I got hairy legs that turn blonde in the sun. And the kid used to come up and reach in the pool and rub my leg down. So it was trained. And then watch the hair come back up reach in the pool and rub my leg down. So it was trained and then watch the hair. Let the kids rub his legs down. They'd look at it. So I learned about roaches. I learned about kids jumping on my lap.

And I've loved kids jumping on my lap. Yeah, we heard. 12-year-old girl. What? I learned about roaches. Let's talk to an all-black crowd. And I'm going, does he mean roaches like you'd find in tenements or roaches as they smoke? I learned about roaches.

I let kids rub my legs. I love kids jumping on my lap. The fuck is this? Jeffrey Dahmer's uncle. I've tasted the brains of kids. I let black kids play with my blonde hair. And then he's fucking stuttering. I tell you a fucking's fucking stuttering.

What are we doing? What's going on right now? He has lost his fucking mind. And guess what? He's still leading in national polls. Democrats, here's to you. Good luck. You say Trump's not fit to be president?

You want this fucking guy's finger on the button? He'll think it's a gumball machine and he'll fucking light the world up. Crazy Joe fucking Biden. I'm telling you, it's all an act. Next thing he's going to do is his next speech. He's got a bus in Iowa now. He's trying to make up for lost time. I predict he's going to be standing at the podium

and he's going to start wetting himself on purpose. That's usually when they throw the fucking net over you. But Democrats, that's your best candidate. He's moderate. Yeah, he's moderately crazy. Maybe he got syphilis in the fucking war of 1812. I don't know. He's lost his shit.

Got to love him, though. And then I let the kids rub my legs. I was starting to get an erection in my speedo, and they said, wow, a white man dick. Then I learned about roaches. And then I let the kids jump on my lap. If that wasn't wacky enough, they pulled up a couple of old, you know,

I don't know when the fuck this happened. Well, one of them just happened Saturday in Iowa. Council Bluffs, wherever he was speaking. His wife's giving a speech, Jill. And this is why you got to love women, though. Seriously. This is why you have to love women. Do you think his wife really believes he has a shot in hell?

She knows. She knows more than us how crazy this fuck is. She has to pick up his fucking skid-stained underwear you know, fucking he's cutting the lawn and his loafers and shit he's just batshit crazy and she's beside him all the way that's why you gotta love fucking women but watch, she's giving a speech

and watch what Joe does and when they cut to the president of the United States. Oh. You call your kids in from the other room because you want them to hear what the president of the United States is saying. Look at Joe. Look at him over there. Fucking just smiling. Can we play that again? He bites.

The fuck? He's teething. Say cut to the president of the United States. Yeah, suck on it, Joe. Why don't you suck on her finger while the little black kids are rubbing your blonde legs, you fucking crazy old white bastard, you? God bless Jill Biden. He's biting her finger.

Delicious. Thank you. Bon appet Jill Biden. He's biting her finger. Delicious. Thank you. Bon appetit. Snap. Look, he's trying to be relatable, but see what happens? They have no personality, and that's why Trump is going to stomp all of them. Trump goes out there. He's not trying to do that. If that was Melania's finger, Trump would have fucking bit it off, spit it into the audience like fucking

like Ozzy Osbourne with a pigeon on stage. Yeah, they were in council bluffs in Iowa. I mean, what is that about? What is he doing? I mean, I voted for Trump because he's crazy, but he's crazy in a good way. You know, fucking this guy. And you wonder why Obama didn't endorse him. And you wonder why Obama got in his ear and said, you don't have to do this, Joe. Because Obama saw this behavior.

Probably caught him pissing in the old office behind a potted plant or some shit. He's whacking off in the fucking CIA pool. Joe, you don't have to do this. We all know you're fucking nuts. But good luck with the Democrats with that. I hope you... And again, the thick-ankled dog face. Who's it going to be?

Mayor Bloomberg? You people are getting too fat, and I apologize for saving black and brown lives. I know fucking stop and frisk worked, and it saved black and brown lives. For that, I'm very sorry. I really don't like black and brown people. Did I mention I'm a Jew?

More politics. Lisa Page finally breaks her silence. Remember Strzok? What's his first name? Peter? Peter Strzok and his mistress Lisa Page. There she is. Look at that.

Somebody throw her a sugar cube or a carrot. Jesus Christ. Say hello to Mrs. Ed. It's like John Elway fucked a horse. Look at them choppers. Let's get more gums in a horse. Look at them choppers. Let's get more gums in a bodega. What?

Get a good little butter dip. I'm crazier than Joe Biden. Lisa Page, she's a piece of ass apparently. Somebody thinks so. Pound that shit, yo. She breaks a silence saying Trump's fake orgasm forced her to speak out. Honestly, she said, she's trying to be a victim now. This fucking two-faced cocksucker who literally in text talk about insurance policy to keep Trump becoming president.

Literally, she's trying to be a victim now. And you know why she could do that? She has a vagina and people will listen. Honestly, she said his demeaning fake orgasm was really the straw that broke the camel's back. With those with those striking words in an interview published late Sunday, Lisa Page, ex-FBI lawyer who carried on an extramarital affair with the head of counterintelligence, Peter Strzok, as the two exchange anti-Trump text messages, says she was breaking her silence. The 39-year-old Page was referring to Trump's comments about her and Strzok at an October rally.

During the event, Trump performed a passionate, dramatic reading of Strzok and Page's August 2016 text messages, including Strzok's conspicuous promise to Page that we'll stop Trump from becoming president. Here's the video of my favorite president ever. Lisa, I love you. I love you, Lisa.

I love you, Lisa. I love you so much I can't even see straight. Lisa, she's going to win 100 million to nothing. But just in case, Lisa, my darling, I love you. God. How the fuck?

It's like a Netflix special once a month from Trump. How do you not love this fucking guy? Can you imagine this broad trying to portray yourself as the victim? Rich, I don't want to hear from you. You got that look in your eye. You're going to say something. Seriously, look. can you look at the computer please just yeah stay like that he gets his dumb look on his face like he's got something important to say go ahead i always thought she was hotter when i heard about all the peter strzok stuff yeah

i wouldn't turn that page. See, now you just turned... I wouldn't turn that page. That's the best you can come up with? I swear to God. You know those St. Jude's commercials, those little kids, they all have diseases, missing arms, and, you know, the kid with jail on her face?

Man, it's a double blanket. They are funnier on their worst day. When they find out they have ALS, they get more laughs. I think I'm getting the flu. I hope you get fucking stage 11 ass cancer. Stage 10 is the worst, by the way. I wouldn't turn that page. What a cheese dick.

You know, it's funny. I never read the comments on YouTube because I just don't. I got better things into, like, LSU, Texas A&M. But I peeked at one, and one guy was upset because I was too mean with you. I think I wrote that. I think it was you. The profile picture. It was Facebook. It was you. What are you laughing at? I haven't got to the joke yet, you

suck-ass. It was you standing in a hot tub with an erection by yourself at night with a cantaloupe in one hand and a melon ball scoop in the other. Paige spoke exclusively to the Daily Beast Sunday in a highly sympathetic profile authored by Molly Jong Fast. Molly Jong Fast.

I dated a Molly Jong Slow. Molly Jong Fast. Who called Strzok hot in a tweet last year. This is a woman interviewing Lisa Page. We already know that she's sympathetic to these two assholes because she thinks Peter Strzok is a... Yeah, he's a fucking hunk. Hunk of fucking lying cheese is what he is. He's hot.

Page said Trump's remarks had forced her to confront the president publicly. Oh, is that right? She says, I had stayed quiet for years because I had balls and cock in my mouth around the clock, hoping it would fade away. But instead, it got worse. Page said it had been so hard not to defend myself, to let people who hate me control the narrative. How about what you did, you fucking lying whore? You try to undo, you work for the FBI. You fuck. You don't hear that on Hannity. You fuck.

Judge Napolitano next. Are you fucking kidding me? You try to undo a duly elected Fucking president You were a shame Now you're the victim Even women online tell you to go shit in your fucking hat I decided to take my power back

What's that? You vibrated? You left it struck so? Kill a god little buddy. She's taking her power back, everybody. Oh, boy, you. It sums it up in one song I wrote for her. You are a cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. A big fat sneaking cunt.

Said and true, but they tell you you're a motherfucking cunt. You are a cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. Motherfucking cunt. Everybody knows from the end it owes you a bigunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, Inspector General Michael Horowitz into possible FBI misconduct is expected to be released December 9th. That's why she's speaking now. Horowitz has reportedly found that an unidentified lower level FBI lawyer falsified a key document used to obtain. It's all coming out. Hey, lefties, Democrat voters, it's all coming out.

It's all coming out. You don't have a fucking chance in hell of winning this election, whether he gets impeached, fucking shot in the leg. Yeah, I identified lower level FBI falsified a key document used to obtain a secret surveillance warrant against former Trump advisor. That would be Carter Page. But Page claimed. Is that his name? Carter Page, right? But Page claimed, not Carter Page, yeah, Mama Luke, that Trump's fake orgasm and not the pending IG report was the reason she decided to come forward. We all know she's a lying hoe.

My heart drops, my stomach, when I realize he has tweeted about me again. The president of the U.S. is calling me names to the entire world. He's demeaning me in my career. She says it's sickening. What career? He's a little whore and a little piece of trash. Separately, Page tweeted, I'm done being quiet, as she removed the sweaty balls of Peter's drug from her mouth. And her interview page went on to call the president's remarks intimidating.

Oh, poor fucking you. Can't play with the big boys. You're involved in taking down a duly elected president, but you can't take a couple of fucking jabs at you? How dare, Greta Thunberg, how dare you? How dare you? Has she hung herself yet? She's at the top of the dead pool for me. I picture, they find her like at her senior prom, hanging from the basketball hoop. You know, in the auditorium, she sneaks away from the dance.

Is that too graphic? I hope it is. She says, but it's also very intimidating because he's still the president of the United States. Yeah, no thanks to you, you fucking twat. And when the president accuses you of treason by name, despite the fact that I know there's no fathomable way that I've committed any crime at all, is that right? We'll find out soon, let alone treason. He's still somebody in a position to actually do something about that. That's exactly right. You should have thought

about that when you were exchanging tweets and how much you hated him, but you didn't, did you? She's trying to play victim. If Oprah had a show, she'd be on seven days a week for the next two weeks to try to further destroy my life. It never goes away. It stops, even when he's not publicly attacking me. What do you want him to do, come to your house? Page insisted that when she was assigned to the Clinton email probe, she knew the case was going to get picked apart. As the FBI was preparing to interview Clinton at her home at the close of the email probe, Page sent Strzok a text message that suggested she was concerned about the political impact of the investigation. She said one more thing, she said in the text. She might be our next president, Page wrote to Strzok on February 24th, 2016.

The last thing you need us going in there loaded for bear. loaded for beer. You think she's going to remember or care that it was more Department of Justice than FBI? And then Strzok agreed as he's wiping his belly off. Horowitz, the Department of Justice inspector general, noted in an initial report last year that Strzok and Page's anti-Trump texts were not only indicative of a biased state of mind, but even more seriously implies a willingness to take official action to impact the presidential candidate's electoral prospect. Can you? OK, there you go.

I'm sick. And yes, most of the FBI, the rank and file, they are there. They're fucking hardworking. They put their necks on the line. But but, you know, the higher up, fucking rotten to the core, need to be, what do you want to say? Go. Go. Hurry up. When you mentioned Vibrator,

I thought she should come up with a line of sex toys called Deep State. That's good, Rich. I mentioned that, what, 11 hours ago, that line? You really have no fucking concept, do you? Now, why would it be deep stay? Because I imagine she likes it deep. Just like you do.

I talked to your life partner, Kevin. He's coming up a line with nooses. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Let's do a fucking, should we do a GoFundMe page and fucking buy this guy a sense of humor my aching stem

does he suck a bag of dick weed hey this episode of the Nick DiPaolo podcast is brought to you by bluechew.com ladies and gentlemen they're one of our

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Again, that's B-L-U-E-C-H-E-W.com, promo code Nick, to try it for free. Blue Chew is the better, cheaper, faster choice, and we thank them for sponsoring our show, and we really do. And it works. You should put them around your neck like a candy necklace in case it arises. Speaking of getting it up, Jack Dorsey of Twitter is moving to Africa. Yay! Ho Jack! Jack, Jack, Jack! He's going to move to Africa for three to six months. We know he's gay, so what does this mean? I did the math. He's a size queen.

White dick is just not fulfilling him. So he's going to Africa. I put that together. I think that was beautiful. He's escaped the whirlwind going to Africa. I put that together. I think that was beautiful. He's escaped the World War II tour of Africa. What did I say, escaped? Fucking my eyes are going.

Who's going to blue chew? He's capped a World War II tour of Africa by pledging to move to the continent for several months in 2020. He met a little pygmy named Steve. Dorsey said in a message on the social media platform that he didn't know where he would be living, but he planned to spend up to half of next year in Africa. There he is, good-looking guy. I suck cock, and I love it.

Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. Hmm. Hmm. Doesn't look very gay, but I yummy. Hmm. Hmm. Doesn't look very gay, but I don't know. Something about somebody over 40 with a ring in their nose. Save that for the 14-year-old Puerto Rican girls. Says, sad to be leaving the continent for now, Dorsey tweeted on Wednesday, but it'll be much easier to manipulate these people over there than I do you people. Now, Africa will define the future, he says, especially the

Bitcoin one. I still don't know what Bitcoin is, and I don't give a fuck. Go ahead, Rich. I got a bit of coin in my pocket. I don't want to hear it from you. Back off. Terrible. You're fucking 0 for 2. You're going to pop out to the catcher. I can tell by the look on your face. He's going to live there for, yeah, three to six months. Bye-bye. The tech executive was in Ethiopia this week trying to pick up a boy who weighed 11 pounds and 6 ounces with chopsticks.

with chopsticks. As part of a tour of the continent that started on November 8th, it included stops in Ghana, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and South Africa. Why would you want to go to Ghana? In Nigeria, Dorsey met with entrepreneurs and young artists, as well as Twitter board member Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala. I said that perfectly. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala. I said that perfectly. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala. He was a linebacker at Texas Tech.

He went second in the draft. An economist and former managing director of the World Bank. One software developer made a big impression during Dorsey's visit to the Nigerian commercial hub of Lagos. Dara Oladusu, the creator of an app called Quoted Replies, was offered a job following a meeting with the Twitter executives. Apparently, I don't know if that's a girl or a guy. Come on, Raz, you're black.

It's a girl. Is it a girl? Quoted Replies is a Twitter bot that pulls together quoted replies on the platform. What does that mean? Rich, you're a tech guy. Just any quotes that you like? Yes. That's all it does?

Yes. Well, why? Is there a need for that? Four score and seven. I like that. How do I get that on my? Oladusu said he was inspired to create the app when he realized people wanted a platform to aggregate quoted comments to their tweet. Boy, I do not have my finger on the pulse of Nigeria.

Here's a little more about Bitcoin, which I don't even, I don't, cryptocurrency, I don't get it. In Ghana, the team met with Bitcoin entrepreneurs. Dorsey, who recently backed cryptocurrency startup CoinList, has become a vocal advocate of Bitcoin and has said he will integrate it into Twitter and Square and his other ventures. That's terrific. Go ahead, Mongoloid. Now he can shadow ban himself by hiding behind a banana tree. Shadow ban himself by...

It's so bad, it's so bad it's good a growing number of African developers and entrepreneurs are working on cryptocurrency they should work on their English hello everybody Africa's second most populous nation has ambitious plans to build a digital economy why don't you start with toilets and fucking running water and streets Africa's second most populous nation has ambitious plans to build a digital economy.

Why don't you start with toilets and fucking running water and streets? Nick, that's horrible. I don't give a fucking rat's ass. The government hopes the activity will create 3 million jobs that don't involve chasing down a gazelle with a fucking squash. Africa's tech industry and IT ecosystem has recorded major growth in recent years. Yeah, prove it. Every time I see footage over there. I don't know. It looks like the Detroit Pistons locker room after a victory. I'm just kidding. There's actually some beautiful nations over there in Africa I'd like to get over there, I'm a big hunter I'm a big hunter

You don't believe me? Check out my rifle That was a good Paul in I have a clip from one of the classrooms He visited You do, actually, Raz found a great clip Of one of the classrooms he visited over in D G O visited. You do, actually. Raz found a great clip of one of the classrooms he visited over at night.

G! G! O! O! O! O! G! G! L! L! E! E! E! Gulu-gulu! Gulu-gulu!

Gulu-gulu! Oh my god help us Jesus She got your work cut out for you over there Jack Oh gee Oh gee Oh oh Oh oh Oh gee L.A.

L.A. L.A.? L.A. McPherson. Good one, Rez. Where do you find something like that? It's just a meme. It's a fucking producer right there for you. Coming up with the funniest clip. Go, go, go.

Let's go from Africa to Amazon, which is all over the globe, right? Well, they're in deep shit. Why? Amazon triggers outrage by selling Christmas decorations and bottle openers picturing Auschwitz. What the fuck? And both of you do iron arby, do iron flies, iron flosstite. I don't even get this. I don't get it.

I don't get this. Did somebody, an employee who hates Bezos, do this to get him in trouble? I don't get it. You really thought these were going to sell? Here's a picture of you, Grammy and Grampy, skin and bones. Put that next to the fucking angel on the tree. Do you guys, can you help me with it? I don't. Products, excuse me, products on offer include star and bell-shaped Christmas tree baubles

featuring photos of the gateway and interior of the Nazi death camp in occupied Poland. And the other thing, they got it wrong. They said it was Krakow. Like people who survived the Holocaust are going to go, oof, as long as you clear that up for a minute. A magnetic bottle opener featuring a scene from the camp wrongly describes it as the former Jewish district in Krakow. What? Krakow. In Kraker. Bottle openers with a picture of a concentration. What is this for Germans celebrating? One horrified shopper wrote in their abuse section. This is not crack. Oh, I have a timeshare there. No, this is not crack.

Oh, this is a picture of Auschwitz death camp. This is a Christmas ornament. How dare you? Said Greta Thunberg fan. Stuart Johnson tweeted, Christmas ornaments? Is there no bottom to the pit into which people will sink? Laura Bowden added, well, can I just ask you people,

you really have to fucking virtue signal around the clock? You know what I mean? We all know it's stupid, but you had to go, look at me, I'm against this. I have a nice fucking Hitler star I put on the top of my butt. I don't get this and they should get in trouble. It's I find it tasteless. Laura Bowden added people will try to sell anything for money. This is despicable. What's despicable is you took the time to type that. We all get it's wrong.

Now get back to your kids. Excuse me. Anybody seen the Satan cross? I wanted to hang on my... This is horrible. Now they're coming out with Christmas stockings you can put gold teeth in. I mean, Amazon is really taking it to a new level. You know why I like this story?

Because fucking Bezos, he's an anti-Trump jackoff. But this is really going to hurt him. He's worth $100 billion a second. But somebody explain to me what were they doing here? What was the time? I don't even get it.

Anybody? I had to check to see if this story was real. Another Twitter user wrong on so many levels. To make profit out of a world-changing tragedy. It didn't change my world. I'm fine. Of course it's wrong.

You don't have to fucking. It's horrible. It's tasteless. To make a profit out of a world-changing tragedy on this scale. The retailers need to examine their conscience. Oh, yeah. Maybe we can be as pure as you. But Amazon, they came out yesterday and confirmed they had removed

the products. I want to know they have the sales meetings, right? Johnson, how are the fucking Hitler baubles going? Not so good. We've sold two in the last 12 weeks. So they pulled two in the last 12 weeks. So they pulled them from the shelves. Now they think people are going to go, oh, what's the matter? And you blew it. You blew it.

I don't get it. I mean, if I felt like it, I could come up with nine other products that we could, you know, do a fucking daily show bit. But I don't have a staff of 19 write it. When's Trev and Noah going to say something funny? Anytime soon. Not a funny word has come out. I was not even fucking, and I like him. I met him at the comedy cell. He's a good guy, but I'm just saying, not a funny, they pick that left-wing narrative and they have to stick to it. Even as sacrifices, it's just fucking tired. How is it still on the air? I don't know. Real quick, Nick DiPaolo

tour date. You can go to nickdip.com for ticket information. New Year's Eve, I will be at the most, probably the most beautiful venue I've played all year. It's a Tarrytown musical called Tarrytown, New York. I actually lived in Tarrytown for a couple years. Beautiful town.

Yeah, that's December 31st. She'll ring in 2020 with me. And then in 2020, Friday, January 24th, the Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut, another place that I was thinking about shooting a special, actually. Saturday, February 1st, the Historic Ritz Theater

in Brunswick, Georgia. We had to move that. We had a scheduling conflict. It's a new date. Saturday, February 15th, the Kelsey Theater, Lake Park, Florida. Friday, April 3rd,

the Morgan Hill Event Center in Herman, Maine. Go to nickdip.com for ticket information. Rich, you coming with me? Is that what you want to say? Coming with me. Is that what you want to say? Coming with me on that date? No, I just thought it was nice because I lived in Tarrytown for a little bit, too.

Oh, did you live in Tarrytown? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. I was talking to you. No, no. Yeah, I wouldn't doubt it. Fucking creepy.

I'd let Joe Biden sleep next to me before I'd let you in my house to have lunch. Where did you live in Tarrytown? Do you remember? Well, I worked right around Elmsford, and I lived in Hastings on Hudson, but my bank was in Tarrytown. So you didn't live in Tarrytown. You banked in Tarrytown. Well, Hastings was nicer.

You see how he argues like a woman. There's no logic, no reasoning. You started the statement by saying you lived in Tarrytown, but you didn't. You banked in Tarrytown. You lived in Hastings on the Hudson. My you lived in Tarrytown. But you didn't. You banked in Tarrytown. You lived in Hastings-on-the-Hudson. My money lived in Tarrytown. How'd you like to be buried there? Raz, take out that machete and cut that fucking white throat of his.

You know, Nick, I lived in Tarrytown. Then I dig a little deeper, actually. Well, I had a checking account in Wellesley, Mass., which is almost spelled like Terry Tuff. You are as crazy as Joe Biden. Speak at Auschwitz. Let's stay on it, because it's the holidays, apparently. And my old roommate, my crazy ass buddy, Louis C.K., tells Israeli audience he'd rather be in Auschwitz than New York City. Israeli audience, he'd rather be in Auschwitz than New York City.

You're fucking crazy. You know what? He's right. Don't get me wrong. New York City, I miss it. I have pangs for all the energy and, you know, but you know what? I mean, every time you put on, you look at the post, there's somebody getting pushed in front of a subway. There's the cops are getting shit thrown at him. Fair beaters are jumping the turns.

de Blasio, it's just going to, it's homeless people sleeping. Like when I first moved there in the nineties, when Dinkins was running it. So, but Louie saying that because, and I want to say to my buddy, Louie, give me a call or text me and just admit I was right. When you used to call me a little bigoted and racist or whatever the fuck. Why don't you admit I was right? I know you're a much smarter guy than me, but call me and go, you know what, Nick? You were right politically because they came after you, didn't they?

But I love that he's over in Europe selling out fucking this guy. This guy does not sleep. I heard a bit of his. I don't know why this is a Holocaust-focused show today, but I heard a new bit of his. I don't know why this is a Holocaust-focused show today. But I heard a bit, a new bit of his. I don't know when this came out. I think it was fucking new. He said he saw Schindler's List on TV.

That's when you know it's great. It starts with Schindler's List. But there's a scene in Schindler's List when, like, the poor Jews, like, in Poland are walking through the streets. They're being flushed out of their apartments and shit. And there's a little girl standing on a mailbox going, Goodbye, Jews! Goodbye, Jews! And then Louie goes,

That means they had an audition. Somewhere there's a reel with like 50 girls, like eight years old, going, Goodbye, Jew! Then he starts doing the girls auditioning. You're like, Goodbye, Jews! No, meaner. Goodbye, Jews! And he does all the girls auditioning. You're like, goodbye, Jews. No, meaner. Goodbye, Jews.

And he does all the different voice. The sun will come out tomorrow. No, no, just get to the goodbye. Fucking guy is as funny as they come. So he said that he'd rather be in Auschwitz than New York City. Where did he do that? In front of an audience in Tel Aviv. I'd rather be in Auschwitz than New York City. Where did he do that? In front of an audience in Tel Aviv. I'd rather be in Auschwitz than New York City, he said during a Thanksgiving night performance,

eliciting startled laughter and applause. I mean, now, he says, I mean now, not when it was open. That's how he gets out of it. Added the 52-year-old whose paternal grandfather was Jewish I did not know that get this through your head you get this through your head

you Jew motherfucker you that's Louis talking to his grandfather I did not know I don't think I knew that I knew he was Mexican and Irish

I was wondering why he was always getting away with these Jewish jokes that's all they do you make an anti-defamation league. They look up your tree and go, ah, there's a Jew up there at the top. CK's Tel Aviv stand-up also included his own commentary on

the accusations of sexual misconduct leveled against him, advising the audience against following his perverted footsteps. Did that really need to be said? I think it did. You guarantee a million guys will try that sin. Matter of fact, he put the idea in their heads. Probably a bunch of young kids going, I haven't tried yanking it out. He says, if they say yes, meaning the girls, then still don't do it because it's not popular equipment.

It's not popular. CK has previously admitted to showing my dick to his accusers that was a quote from Louis I lived with him for 10 years I told you I mean 2 years and I saw his dick 10 times and 4 times consensually that's in the special breath of fresh air by the way we're at 980 something

we're about I would say 2 weeks away from hitting a million viewers remember this came out in May. That's pretty good. You see clips online when they're in their millions. They've usually been up there for a year or two, whatever, at least. But I've got to thank you guys. That was a huge thing, and I'm working on another hour. I figure it'll be ready around 2029 when we have a black trans midget president

fucking oh the countries then we had the stabbings over the way I didn't even get to that in London fucking nah religion of peace going at it again stabbing in the Hague wherever that is in the Netherlands Raz you guys hear that

I'm doing this show from a median strip on Route 80 in Hicksville, Georgia. Anyways, what happened else over the weekend? Excuse me. Goddamn cigarettes. This one cracked me up, this story here. Highly contagious urine forces a movie theater to evacuate. No, somebody wasn't pissing like, and that's what I thought, because I've done that.

Who hasn't done that? Right in the middle of Goodfellas, I'm going to get up and take a piss? That popcorn bucket's empty. Hand me that Gatorade bottle. Movie goes that is showing of Frozen 2, which is hilarious. That's one way to thaw that shit up. Had a whole other adventure Friday

when a misdelivered package forced the theater to evacuate. The Seattle Times report. Anybody smells piss? All right, get out! Yeah! The package marked highly contagious human substance jesus christ could they be a little more vague highly contagious human what was it snot contain urine samples meant for a tacoma medical clinic

above foot it must have been the piss must have been from like Pete Davidson, Madonna. It's not clear how it ended up outside the North Bend Theater. It's east of Seattle. Someone found the package at 5.15 p.m. and it opened it, discovering the dire warning and prompting a hazardous materials response by firefighter. A little bit of an overreaction. It's not, I guess you don't know what's in it. It little bit of an overreaction. It's not, fuck, I guess you don't know what's in it. It could have been ricin and shit.

firefighters cleared the theater. I cleared the theater with a fart, never with piss. I dropped one during Scarface, I remember. I had like beer and eggs the night before. By the end of it, you know when he falls in the pool, I look behind me, theater was empty.

It was me and one guy with a clothespin on his nose. It's a true story. The box had been isolated and one patient treated as a precaution. This is what I don't get when the story, okay, I want to know more about the person that was treated. How did you treat him? Was there piss on his shirt? Did it splash in his eyes? Rich is trying to, his eyes are going, trying to come up with an unfunny joke.

Just sit there and eat your fucking waffles. The person who opened the box was screened, but no one was hurt in the incident. Sergeant Paul Graham with the Squanamale Police Department said emergency crews properly disposed of the misdelivered urine by pouring it down Nathan Lane's throat oh my goodness that was horrible

can you imagine that you call the firefighter I guess you don't know, but boy, they have us nervous, don't they, the terrorists? By the way, the one that did the stabbing in London, he was already deemed a terrorist and he was out on some, they let

him out for a day. He was out on like Perota and they let him, for one day, they allowed him to go. There's a law they can't come back into London if you're a terrorist. They gave him like a furlough for a day to go to an anti-terrorist fucking thing. White people keep cutting your own throat. You're the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet. It's amazing that you run the planet.

I don't know how you did it. Speaking of white haters, Colin Kaepernick back in the news. This guy, it's just like herpes, huh? Just keeps reoccurring. Colin Kaepernick speaks at un-Thanksgiving Day. Is this guy just a fucking hater? Anything. He'll show up at anything that fucking shows America to be a horrible place.

Guy is just the most horrible person. He later tweeted, spent the morning at the indigenous people's sunrise ceremony on the 50 year anniversary of the occupation of Alcatraz. Back two years, 1969 through 71, like 11 Indians took it over and they wanted it back and shit. How'd that work out? And the American oppressive government just, you know, built a fucking prison around them.

It was already a prison. Let's add an Indian wing. His video of him and his fucking I hate white people fucking hairdo. It's been 50 years since the occupation and that struggle has continued for that 50 years.

Before that 50 years, it will continue from this point. It's our responsibility to honor our ancestors. Are you related to Indians? Who are you, Liz Warren? You fucking hater. Don't let their sacrifices be in vain.

That's why it's important for all of us to be here today. To show that we're together, that we're unified, that we have that solidarity. Why don't you try some conditioner? What the fuck's going on here? What is going on? Look, that's Liz Warren sneaking in. She threw red paint on her face. Tried to be a Cherokee.

And Kaepernick's going, this is how I was sacked on my last play of the game. Oh, what a fucking hate mongerer. You know, that's all you got to do, really. Nobody from Nike showed up for that? Am I supposed to feel bad? You know what I said on Thanksgiving? They told me to say a prayer before we ate, and I went, fuck the Indians, pass the stuffing. I was kidding, obviously, because, you know, my mother is part Cherokee. We found that out on 23andMe. This is what he tweeted. The U.S. government has stolen over 1.5 billion acres of land from indigenous people. Thank you to my indigenous family.

I'm with you today and always. Anything just to point out the flaws, huh? Again, if this kid grew up in another country, he would be fucking a janitor. What, Rich? Go ahead. Go ahead. Well, the one team that was interested in him was the Detroit Lions. He'd be playing every Thanksgiving.

That's the irony. Was that true? The Lions looked at him? Yeah. Trying not to jump over this table right now. But he's saying thank you to my indigenous family. Like he grew up with a Blackfoot tribe or some shit. First of all, he's saying thank you to my indigenous family. Like he grew up with a Blackfoot tribe or some shit. First of all,

he's biracial. Fuck, he's not even all black. You're not supposed to... You can only hate the country 50% of it. He also retweeted a link to an article. It says, uh, article. This is the writing.

Fucking, these are actual, you know, websites. Uh, uh, uh, article. This is the writing. Fucking these are actual, you know, websites article. Which looked at the racist roots of our national celebration. You have a look at what what what this country gave you, you dick cheese. You think the United States is the only country that came about through fucking violence? God help us. Kaepernick posted Christopher Petrella's tweet which read antebellum campaigns to establish Thanksgiving as national holiday grew up alongside colonization efforts to remove free black people from the United States. Is that right? These blacks, who knows what they're going to take the wrong way? Nationalization advocates mobilized white fears of black equality to build support for holiday.

They call themselves progressives, but they focus on nothing but shit that happened 100 years ago. It's hilarious to me. Kaepernick has reportedly not received any interest from NFL teams after organizing his own private workout for scouts on November 16th outside of Atlanta. Oh, boy, you really even the Redskins didn't bite on you after you did this piece of cheese. What a fucking whitey America hater. It's everything that's wrong with the country. You are correct, sir. I think that's enough. Keeping it tight, keeping it sweet. Know what I'm saying? I'll save this tomorrow. Got a trans woman who was too humiliated to fly home for Thanksgiving

because the TSA flagged her penis as a threat. I would kill for somebody to call my penis a threat. A hooker, a fucking girl in a wheelchair, just to say, that thing looks threatening. My penis does look threatening. It's because I painted the head like a devil's face. It's the only time. But I'll get that tomorrow. I'm so tired of talking about trans because, again, there's 11 of them in the planet,

and we talk about them ad infinitum. We'll get to that, and we'll get to a booby trap kills a man in his own fucking home on Thanksgiving. You know why I'm laughing at this? It happened in Van Buren, Maine, and the guy's last name is Sear. At my fraternity, we had twins whose last name was Sear,

and they were from Van Buren. I'm 99% sure. It can't be one of them because they were my age. It's got to be maybe an older brother or something. I don't age. It's got to be maybe an older brother or something. I don't know. That's hilarious.

I bet you Kaepernick would love this story. What? A white guy shot himself on Thanksgiving? Serves him right. What are we? Is there a fucking rape council thing going on outside? No, that's for helicopters. All right, that is it for today.

I hope you guys had a great weekend. I don't know, what am I, but cameo.com, I did a couple over the weekend. If you want me to send a personal video to a friend of yours roasting him or a neighbor, somebody you don't like,

somebody you like as a birthday present. I can be nice. I can be sweet. People always tell you. You can tell me what to say. I'll do it on my phone, and I'll send it to that person. I had a guy doing it. They showed it at his wedding.

I heard I killed. It's like 200 people at the wedding. Ripped the tits off the crowd. But go to camu.com. Click on the Nick DiPaolo profile. Fill out the information. Go to nickdip.com for my tour information.

And that is it. Are you guys thinking? I will say it. You are very welcome, and we will see you guys on patreon.com tomorrow. Have a good day, everybody. We'll see you next time.