The Nick DiPaolo Show - Border Patrolman Beaten | Nick Di Paolo Show #1460

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Battered border patrol, Bad signs and more! Support our sponsor, Nugenix! Support the podcast & get a free bottle of Nugenix Total T when you text 231-231 & use the keyword NICK. Texting enrolls you into recurring automated text messages. Consent not required to purchase. Message and data rates may apply. #1 Doctor recommended brand by primary care physicians based on an independent survey conducted by IQVIA, 2022. Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Why so serious? Hi kids, welcome on a Tuesday. Filthy Tuesday. State of Georgia. What it is and what it was. I don't know what to tell you. World's going to hell on a handbag. I just made that up.

Anyway, hey, watch me on Crowder Wednesday night. Be streaming the second debate, the second debate Republican live, and we'll sit there and drink a nice array of beverages, a lot of bourbon and whiskey and all kinds of, you know, men's drinks, stuff that you would give to a girl if you want to get her all fucked up. Back in the day, it was an Alabama slammer. You must know. Right?

Alabama slammer. Had 19 types of alcohol in it. That and the Long Island iced tea. Oh, you might as well have dropped a fucking Rofi in her drink. One Long Island iced tea, the girl is like fucking, she's, you got her in the palm of your hand. You know what I'm saying? And then you got your balls in the palm of her hand.

And then, next thing you know, you're in court. What I do, what I do. Hey, I watch the Bruins. I'm flipping two nights ago. Sunday night. Yeah, flipping through the frigging TV and come across a Bruins range. And I go, this has to be a tape of an old game from my preseason. Ooh.

I like hockey. Nice fight, though. I saw a Rangers guy clean some Bruin guys' clock. Oof. Anyhow, that's neither here nor there, but the Bruins won 3-0. So the show's complete now that you guys know that. Oh, my God, Nick.

Really? Really, man. Really. Let's get on with this goddamn thing. I got shit to do. I got to cut a lawn that takes 11 minutes. Oh, no. It's so perfect.

It is so perfect. I shit on electric vehicles, but electric lawnmowers, let me tell you that. Fucking beautiful. You can fucking swing it over your head. It's so light, you can't even hear it. Can I ask you a question? Why a leaf blow is louder than a fucking rocket? Is there any reason?

Yeah, to annoy the fucking shit out of us. I hate those guys. What the fuck is that? I hate to sound like an old man, but I hated them when I lived in L.A. It's the loudest fucking thing of all. I mean, literally, the guy next door is blowing it. He's had somebody doing it. It drowned out a Harley Davidson going by.

I'm fucking, why? It seems like the sheep is. Christ. What else, Grampy? I don't like to shit in if fucking peaches are all bruised. Let's get on with it. Batted Border Patrol is the first story. Former Republican congresswoman from Texas has posted a shocking photograph of a bloodied border, Jesus, patrol agent claiming he was

attacked by a migrant along the U.S.-Mexican border, Maya Flores. Remember her? She lost to somebody, but she's coming back. 37, the wife of border patrol agent shared the gory image of the, it says, of the Fed in her, of the feed in her social media accounts Sunday, and described what she claimed, I love, that's the New York Post talking, claimed led to the injuries. They don't do that when it's the other way around. This is the type of violence that is being exerted on Border Patrol agents by those who don't want to be apprehended, she wrote, adding that they're so stupid, the people coming over. We're just going to hand them a piece of paper and you

can take off anyways. But they don't know. That's how fucked up our policy is. They're like, no, I don't want the officials to know where I am. Agents encountered the alleged attacker near McAllen, Texas. Of course. I'm going to find out what the hell happened here. No, you won't, Joe. The suspect was labeled a rat by the cartels and fought against the agents until a backup arrived. Fucking rat anyways. Whole family's all rats.

Who'd have thought to be a rat? That's the guy that hit the Border Patrol guy. So he took a little, hopefully. Please pray for our men and women. That's the guy that hit the Border Patrol guy. So he took a little, hopefully. Please pray for our men and women. That's what Mrs. Flores says, and she's right on the money. The former lawmaker and current candidate who was the first Mexican-born woman to serve in the house. Wait a minute. A lot of Mexican women have served houses.

They... I mean, they do it all. Cooking, cleaning. All kinds of... Said the Cuban guy. Also posted an image of the wounded migrant, which we just showed you, who's...

There's the guy. There's the agent. It's her husband, I guess. Who's... Whatever. Whose forehead apparently bore a marking There's the agent. It's her husband, I guess. Whatever. Whose forehead apparently bore a marking etched by a Mexican drug cartel. In July, Flores launched a comeback bid after losing her seat to Democratic Rep.

Vincente Gonzalez. She's pretty hot, huh? She is running on a platform to empower agents, strengthen border security, and better protect children. There's no room for that in the Biden administration. Being trafficked. She says, and this is so true, Republicans should have learned this years ago, our values align with the Republican Party. Our values align.

I am pro-God, pro-life, pro-family, pro-football. The Democrat Party stands against everything we stand for, she said at her campaign launch. She's exactly right. I know a thing or two about a thing or two. I think you do, senorita. Hey, guys, getting older does not have to suck. When you're looking to get that fire back that you used to have, it's time to start thinking about your testosterone levels.

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Text 231-231. That's twice. And enter keyword Nick. Text 231-231. Enter the keyword Nick. And we want to thank them for being our sponsor today, as usual. I mean, do you believe this? Border Patrol, those are our guys getting bloodied

and cartels involved. But the Democrats will look you in the eye and go, everything's fine at the border? I mean, it's to the point where people who vote, if you want to believe it, they're fed up. You know why? You know why they can't put a spin on this issue? Because it's coming home to roost. Yeah, everywhere. Not just in the border states.

All over the place, right? It's going to come to your town, they say. Not here. I won't allow it. I'm loading up on ammo. Dallas has shit loads. That's what he told me. I don't know.

He told me he drove the Vette, and he's got a Subaru, so I don't. And you have neither of those things. No, I know. He doesn't. So, yeah, I mean, can you imagine? I'm just picturing under Reagan or even Trump. If Trump saw, you know, really, who did that? And I'm for bombing the cartels.

That's a fucking enemy. It's an army. It's that easy. Oh, baloney, Nick. It'll cause all kinds. You can't do that to a friendly border. What? They're getting all the shit from China,

pushing fentanyl across, they're killing 100,000 Americans at a time bloodying our border patrol now that's alright it's all good it's all going to take care of itself come on everybody get with it alright hey second half of the show

I'm going to be talking about the New York Times actually defending Ron DeSantis from kind of a ridiculous charge. I'll let you decide. And a friend from the North, a black face wearing Justin Trudeau, applauds a Nazi in person.

I think you'll enjoy that. That's exclusively on Mug Club, so join now to get it at nickdip.com. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nick-a-shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store.

Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Sign, sign, everywhere a sign. Blocking up the scenery. Something in my mind. Bad signs is the headline. Drivers in New Jersey, that's funny right there, have been greeted with roadway signs that read,

suspect terrorism? I said suspect. Suspect terrorism? See something, say something, with a tip line number to report threats. something with a tip line number to report threats. Why 866-4-SAFE-New Jersey? Meanwhile, the next thing I'll come up with, say, keep your eyes on the road when driving, and you'll slam it to the back of an 18-wheeler and lose your head. But these are popping up now every day in New Jersey. But I'm sure it's just a reminder because, you know, we just, 9-11 just went by.

So, you know, bullshit. Let me tell you something. The terrorists love New Jersey. They set up, remember, they set up shop there a lot. So why is this popping up other than we have a jerk-off president who on the world stage is letting everybody know that our military's weak, that we're fucking, our country's weak, everything. So yeah, if you see something, say something. I see something. I see a guy in his late hundreds is a president

shitting his pants and fucking playing bingo. Get him out of there. Even he agrees. and playing bingo get him out of there even he agrees that's what they should play uh these signs are part of a public safety campaign launched last month by the new jersey do you know new jersey is one of the only places you uh can't pump your own gas i don't know if that's still i thought they were going to change it maybe but uh it's good news for guys like mike pence i think we mentioned going to change it maybe, but it's good news for guys like Mike Pence. I think we mentioned that. I think we mentioned that earlier. Anyways, the New Jersey Office of Homeland Security and Preparedness. Oh, thank God for that. That would be the N-J-O-H-S-P. By the time you read that, you'll have an I-E-D under your Volkswagen. In partnership with the State Department of Transportation. Oh, they're good,

and New Jersey Turnpike Authority. But their sudden, I've been pulled over many times, excuse me, because I did 1,000 gigs off the turnpike. But their sudden appearance on major highways with little notice or fanfare has alarmed state residents, preferably people who've been living their whole lives, speak English and

pay taxes. This makes me think, this is a quote from somebody, that there's an underlying thing going on that's not public yet. Said, resident, again, dead Indian, I'll just say. I don't know. Laura Brunetti. That's a Jersey chick. A housewife. Laura Brunetti. In an interview.

She said these sand ragheads. She was very, no. In an interview with local station. News 12, which is where I think most of Al-Qaeda gets their news, isn't it? And now to Ali with the weather. This is my wedding song. My wife had a veil. I came down the aisle and I hid my hand in my suit jacket looked like it was you know

chopped off it's a beautiful thing people see something say something I'll say it again I see a president and vice president who aren't fucking suited to run a goddamn lemonade stand you fucks other residents thought the signs were related to the September 11th. Yeah, that's why they put it in there. It's a terror attack anniversary. Yeah, we're going to celebrate it year-round now. An August 30th news release announced the installation of variable message signs around the state to remind drivers along the state's major interstates to remain vigilant and report potential women

drivers. What? Oh, Asian drivers. What is that? Potential threats and suspicious activity related to terrorism or other criminal activity. I reported all kinds of shit. I had a bit about that. It was true. I told you this. Not long after 9-11, and it's the fucking, honestly, I was in Times Square, and I saw these four guys. They looked like the poster boys. They had the dress like Muslims. They all had the beards. I know they're Muslims because it's 11 degrees.

They're in sandals. And they're taking a box out, and it says pressure cooker on it. So I called the fucking number and I said, it's for the Times Square, I'm on 48th or whatever. And they take it, it says pressure cooker on it

and the lady goes, do you think they're a terrorist? Do you think that's a possible weapon? I said, I don't think they're making pulled pork in it, which is a fucking genius line that I put my act in. People shit their pants. Good night, everybody.

The campaign's gonna run from September through mid-February. Wonder why that is. Yeah, isn't it? And include nearly 200 signs promoting suspicious activity, reporting numbers across the New Jersey Turnpike and interstate highways, the news said. The signs target drivers during the morning and afternoon rush hours seven days per week, right when they're doing the prayers over the speakers.

Officials said the campaign coincides with U.S. Department of Homeland, which is a useless security national. If you see something, say, yeah, we know. If you see something, say some awareness day. Oh, it's just a day we do it? You fucking fuck. Sorry for my potty mouth. I know some of you are bothered by that. Grow up. Okay, I'm yelling at me for not editing this. We are happy. What is this, the Bible? We are happy to support the important public information campaign by displaying... Oh my God, they're saying it again.

That's it. We're moving on to the next story. I want to put a bomb under my fucking... Thank you. Boy, I must have been watching football when I edited that fucker anyhow any he your mother is a fart

boy we're on the rhythm now if I go into this story I'm gonna I'll show you what I'll do Chef DeSantis Chef DeSantis that's the headline you heard me a former Guantanamo detainee has repeatedly claimed that Ron DeSantis. Chef DeSantis, that's the headline. You heard me. A former Guantanamo detainee has repeatedly claimed that Ron DeSantis force-fed him when he was a lawyer in the United States Navy.

What? But a retired U.S. colonel says that allegation doesn't add up because DeSantis was too junior at the time to be involved in the treatment of inmates. He was just too junior and too inexperienced. Yeah, you're going to have a lot of experience to shove a food tube down a fucking dirty raghead's throat. I mean, an Arab guy. And too green to have had any substantial role in force-feeding. Former Air Force Colonel Morris Davis told the New York Times, defending him. Another lawyer told the Times that DeSantis was doing low-level grunt work at the time. You know, low-level grunt work.

There you go. That's grunt work. Am I right? Dallas, you were in the military. Grunt work is what? Cleaning the latrines? Yeah, shit like that, but also he's probably,

if he was in the attorney's area, he's probably just pushing papers. Oh, you know what? Good thought. I forgot he was a JAG guy or a SAG guy, an after guy, right? Oh, by the way, they're coming to a solution, I guess, that nobody gives a fuck. Just WGA, that's it.

Oh, just Writers Guild? Yep, that's it. Nobody cares about Dallas, he knew that. Just fucking hilarious. Anyway, the former Guantanamo detainee, Mansour Adafi. Liar. There he is. Oh, boy.

This guy shaves 100 times an hour. Look at that fucking... He's wearing half blackface. Mansour Adafi claimed last year that when he was on a hunger strike in the prison, U.S. officials strapped him to a chair and shoved quarter pounders with cheese up his ass with a blowhole. Shoved tubes down his throat and pumped the dietary supplement. And sure, that's how they feed it to Biden, into his system, while he screamed. Oh, did you?

Did you scream, sweetheart? Did you? Where's my? Your tears are so yummy and sweet. Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness. Did you? Where's my... Your tears are so yummy and sweet. Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness. Yummy, yummy, you guys. He went on to say that near the end of the force feeding,

DeSantis approached him and said, You should eat. Adafi said that in response, he threw up on DeSantis' face. You can't throw up on Q uh but times reporters matthew rosenberg and carol rosenberg the rosenbergs got the chair interviewed dozens of people and reviewed records related to santis again these are new york times reporters visits to cuantan Bay. They couldn't find evidence to back up Adafi's claim. Here's my take on that. Jews hate these guys so much that they decided they'd rather decide to take the Republican side in an argument. You know how hard that is for them to do, to take a Republican in

front of a president? But they did. That is just terrific. Anyways, for those of you guys on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show. Everyone else, go to nickdipp.com, join to get my full show. Steven Crowder's full show. There's no better one on the friggin' internet, and I'll just say that because, you know. Alex Jones every Friday, Brian Callen, the Hodge twins,

and he's working on other things, and they go undercover a la Project Veritas. They have a team doing that now. It's killer. It's worth every penny. And after my shows, I get a lot of people coming up and going, Crowder. So I'm telling you, folks, it's worth it. guitar solo Bye.