The Nick DiPaolo Show - Brainless Biden Playing Both Sides | Nick Di Paolo Show #1553

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Biden's "ironclad commitment" and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder��s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Watch your fat fucking mouth Hey, take it easy How'd that sound, alright? Yeah Alright folks, welcome to the show on a filthy Monday. It's always Monday, is it not? I got to go to a doctor for this sleep bucket. I don't know what the fuck's going on, man. My eyes are bleeding out of my head, as you can see. I don't know what. Yes, I'm still going to bed a ridiculous hour, but even when I don't,

I'm waking up in the middle of the night to pee like all men do. But I usually used to go back to, now I stare at this lamp for an hour and a half. And then from about 7 o'clock to when my alarm goes off a little before 9, I have these fucking anxiety

dreams. This one was the weirdest one. Not the weirdest. I don't know. I was in a hockey game. NHL. It's that time of year, I guess. It's all mixed up.

I get Israel bombing a hockey rink. I'm in it. I get the news mixed with the sport. But I'm on the ground, and I knock the winning goal in. Place goes shithouse. But you can't glove it. This is what I'm dreaming when the alarm goes off. And the ref said, good goal, because it hit one of their defensemen.

So that counts. I don't even know if that's how it works. And then the alarm went off. I wake up fucking exhausted because I stayed at the sailing for an hour and a half. And this has been going on for months. I'm going to have, I'm going like my dad. I just fucking know I'm going out like the old man. I swear on my mother, unless I get that like my dad. I just fucking know I'm going out like the old man. I swear on my mother.

Unless I get that Prevision shit. Anyways, nobody got that. Neither did I. Shut up, Nick. Oh, God. Fuck yourself. All right. I haven't seen you guys as well.

Did you catch me on crowd? I was brilliant as usual. The reviews were through the roof. We are a little under 700 tickets for frigging, you know what, May 11th at the big one. Again, that's, I need a lot more than that, but my fans usually buy the week of like most comedy fans. So I wouldn't, I think Tommy might be right on the money, 900 to 1,000. Could be, who knows, maybe more. All I know is Dana Perino's coming with her husband and six other people.

God, it's another person I'll have to avoid for the next 10 years after they see my show. I'll be sweating bullets. Anyways, big fan apparently. What else? I don't know. OJ, that was fucking delicious. Huh? I think Darren Crowder, he sat in the last day, Stephen's dad, who still got it, man. He beat me to

a couple of them. I'm like, motherfucker, he's two years older than me. But when we got news that OJ died, he goes, now we're never going to find the real killer or something while the search is over. I forget how he worded it, but he nailed it and it pissed me off. Like a good comedian. All right, enough of the horse shit, Nick. Boston College lost at University of Denver National Championship. BC was like rated number one from week

one the whole year. Denver's goalie is going to be a trillionaire. This guy stood on his head to make saves. Was awarded the best player in Frozen 4. He stopped, get this, 97.8% of the shots during the tournament. I never got a 98 on a test that I didn't cheat on. One save, you're going to see it the rest of your life on SportsCenter or wherever the fuck.

BC, 2-on-1, the best goal scorer in the rest of your life on SportsCenter or wherever the fuck. BC, two on one. The best goal scorer in the nation for BC's got an empty net. Goes to put it in. This fucker comes diving over like it's street hockey. Out of nowhere, in midair. And fucker makes this. Anyways, I'm boring you people. I know you like to talk about colored people.

What? Let's start with a big nose. World War III. Yeah. Who's going to get us into World War III? Who is going to be a shitty president? Suck a dick and die, Democrats. Iran irate. I took that from Dennis Leary because he's a close enough friend. I don't think he'd mind. Israel managed to shoot down 99% of the 300 deadly suicide drones and missiles that Iran launched at the Jewish state, I call the Jewish state Florida, on Saturday night using an advanced air defense system designed by Bill Gates, Nick

DiPaolo, and John Wensink, former Bruins goon. I'm sorry, I'm punchy. Known as David Sleng. David Sleng, that's what they used to call me in the shower. Wait a minute. That was stupid, but it reminds me of that other joke. Remember, what did I say about you? They call me the tripod in the shower. And I go, not because of my dick size. They caught me with a camera in the corner filming the other guy.

That's a dick joke. I'm opening with a camera in the corner filming the other guy. That's a dick joke. I'm opening with it in Jersey. Tripod joke. This is what I got to do, folks. I can't remember anything. Anyways, Israel, don't you like dick jokes mixed in with the Middle East? Dead kids?

Israel also had help from the U.S. Had help? Fucking U.S. designed this war. Israel also had help from the U.S. Had help? Fucking U.S. design this war. Israel also had help from the U.S., the U.K., and an unlikely Arab ally, which later on they mentioned Jordan. Some guy named Jordan. Not a single drone or cruise missile fired by Iran and its proxies made it through. According to Israeli media.

And only a few of Iran's more advanced ballistic missiles struck Israel. Despite facing a direct attack from Iran for the first time in modern history, Israel appears to have suffered very little damage, like $14. And only one casualty. Of course, it had to be horribly, a seven-year-old Bedouin girl. So the numbers are still not 100% clear, but I understand 120 ballistic missiles,

around 30 cruise missiles were flied, it says, around 170 explosive drones, explosive UAVs that will root. Is that what it says? Israeli military spokesman, Lieutenant Colonel Peter Lerner, told CNN, about 40 rockets were also fired

into Israel from Hezbollah and Lebanon. None of these did any damage. You know why? They were made by Chevy. No. Nearly all threats that Israel intercepted were shot down by fighter aircraft equipped with air-to-air missiles.

Dallas knows all this shit is. Or by David's sling. Again. An air defense system used to track and eliminate drones and medium-range missiles. I know why it's David's sling, because it's a biblical David versus Goliath. I knew that.

Somebody told me they thought it was David Hasselhoff. And medium-range missiles are by the Arrow 2 or Arrow 3 missiles, which are designed to destroy ballistic missiles and are a lot of fun on 4th of July, my neighbor tells me. In space, according to the Jerusalem Post. Here is, we're going to play, this is it, right? The thing that I have to

be involved in too. This is from the IDF. They put out a thing showing the missiles getting intercepted so people watching can see, people at home if you're just listening, whatever. You tell me one day. Ready?

Hold on. Play for me now. Don't fuck with me. Hold on. Ready? All right. Iran used to hide their terrorism behind other terrorists. This is no longer the case. Iran has come out of the shadows to expose their true face, the face of a radical and irrational regime that wants to end the entire free world, directly launching a coordinated attack with missiles and drones at Israeli civilians. From inside its own territory, this attack shows Iran's true colors. Iran fired targets at the most powerful missile...

Shut up, we already heard you, lady. Shut up. Shut up. Uh, yeah, and they show it's a video, uh, with, uh, this. Al-Aqba! Al-Aqba! You know, you better start shopping for your fucking ammunition elsewhere, Al-Aqba. You're getting previously owned cruise missiles. We probably sent the shit to them. You know, whatever.

We left a ton of shit in Afghanistan, too. So whatever. And we also freed up, you know, billions of dollars that were frozen so they could, you know, add to their arsenal. And that's the one that I think it's later in the article. That's the one that, like, it's like, really? later in the article. That's the one that, like, it's like, really? Is there any doubt that Iran, that we're fucking, that Iranian nuclear

deal is what Biden pretends and the left pretends is what's important. Say, again, I gave a great joke to somebody I can't use. Anyways, the U.S. soldiers and other allies also aided in

historically effective interception of explosive drones and missiles. Pick six, we call it. Fired at Israel. And President Biden called America's ironclad commitment to the security of Israel. Yeah. First of all, dickweed. He's playing both sides of the fence. You know that.

He's been trying to talk Bibby to back it off. It is. Oh, I can't. I just despise this fucking. You need to shut the fuck up. He won't. He won't. The Wall Street Journal reported

that U.S. also moved two additional destroyers. We're in World War III, which specializes in shooting down incoming missiles and aircraft into the region. Additional help came, I could shoot them down

with an air daisy rifle. Additional help came from Jordan, this fucking down with an air daisy rifle. Additional help came from Jordan, this fucking jerk-off Arab guy I met at the, whatever, a one-time enemy of Israel, which is now a U.S. ally. That's Jordan. The country of Jordan, when they say, giving the bird to these Arab fox, that's a big, that's big news. It's big news. They're probably in favor of that deal, Saudi Arabia. Saudi Arabia was making progress with Israel. Again, when Trump was president, he didn't have any of this shit going on.

But Zhurkov gets in office and says, oh, that's the Iranian nuclear deal is what's important. Oh, my God. Mingya. Anyhow, hey, in the second half of the show folks i'll be talking about 86 republicans who voted with the democrats on uh you know leaving the fisa bill as is so they can look up your ass when you're taking a shower and going shopping go online and find out who they are i don't have a research department i going to do all that. 86 jerk-offs. We should 86 them, as I said. Also, another tranny

ruins a bunch of girls in track, ruins their future hopes. Oh, my God. That's exclusively you know where. It's on Mug Club. How do you get it? You go to nickdip.com. That be how you're getting it. Cocaine. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more.

It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the NICCA shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Let's move on. Let's stay on the, look, it's World War III. Who knows what's happening right now? Although they're covering Trump's trial. I'm a little more interested in a missile hitting my house. Anyways, never touch a pussy. Might have grabbed one. I can't do it. I can't do it. I don't have the voice. I will practice in the shower. Let's stay on this, though. Biden lying to Bibi. Here's some more evidence. This

guy's such a jerk off. And anybody who works in national security. The U.S. will not back Israel in a counterattack on Iran. Really? President Biden told Israel Prime Minister, again, don't think this is coming from Biden. Ironclad. Yeah, ironclad. There you go. That's the key words, ironclad.

Exactly right. Fucking ironclad. Joe Biden told Israel Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu in a phone call overnight, probably dialed by somebody else, Saturday into Sunday after Iran launched 300 missiles and drones at Israel, Netanyahu responded when Biden said that to him. Netanyahu said this.

I love that cocksucker like a brother, and he fucked me in the ass. The conversation's details were first reported by Barak Ravid of Wallah. There he is. Looks like my primary care physician. An Israeli news website. Ravid, Ravid, reported, translation via Google Translate, the U.S. and Israel have conducted joint air drills that simulate an attack on Iran's nuclear facilities as recently as last August.

And last week, Biden said that the U.S. commitment to Israel's security was, as Dallas mentioned, ironclad. You're lying. And you're a piece of shit. But the Biden administration has frequently backed away from such assurances. In October, Biden said that his support

for Israel's war against Hamas was unwavering. But he's been trying to dissuade Israel from entering Rafah to destroy the last Hamas battalions. Boy, look at all that. This is ironclad. Like you said, there's no doubt we're behind them.

81%. The Biden administration has also sought a renewed nuclear deal with Iran. Why wouldn't you? Remember fucking Obama sent the ballot with about fucking $40 zillion on it and has issued waivers on sanctions that have allowed Iran to benefit from billions of dollars. The White House appears to hope that Israel will be satisfied with its successful defense against the Iranian response to the April 1st Israel airstrike that killed seven Iranian officials. This is what stirred up this last round. They had the balls to kill fucking seven scumbag terrorists, and this is what ticked that off,

two of whom were generals who had directed attacks on Israel by Iranian terrorist proxies. See, this is the big difference, folks. Iran's doing it now themselves. They're not using their proxies. And there's a lot of speculation on this. This was sort of a test. They didn't mean for these rockets and missiles to hit. People have all kinds of theories. They want to see how

the United States reacts. I don't think they're that bright, to be honest with you. But anyways, by Iranian terrorist proxies, Israel said last week that it will respond to any attack by Iran from Iranian territory with an attack on Iran. God forbid somebody use some logic. In addition,

Israel may want to use the attack as an opportunity to target the Iranian nuclear program. Oh, Biden would not want that. Or the Iran-backed Hezbollah terrorist militia in southern Lebanon. They're staying at the fucking sandals, which has been firing at Israeli towns for months now. But Biden, jerk off, and his left-wing cunts, excuse me, left-wing, we're still on free time, are we? I don't know where we are. But Biden seems determined to avoid a possible escalation,

especially during an election year. That's what this is all about, I swear to God. Hey, look over here while we steal the election. But it's only going to get us into World War III. Netanyahu has repeatedly said that he is prepared to go to war without U.S. backing. God bless this guy. This is what a leader looks like against Israel's enemies, including Iran. Why would you be afraid of Iran? They all dress like they're still in the manger. Biden also appeared to determine to dissuade Israel from a counterattack by describing Iran's attack in a public statement as having been aimed at military targets.

Take a big step back and literally fuck your own face! There is no available evidence that civilians were not also targeted, and the only Israeli casualty was a civilian, a seven-year-old Israeli Arab Bedouin Muslim girl who was badly wounded by shrapnel in the southern town of Iran. Badly wounded? She's dead, according to the other paper. That's a serious wound. You're in serious condition.

Do you see all the, do you see the mess, though? And again, I can't stress, you know, Biden couldn't figure this shit out, or think of it. You've seen him. He can't walk. He can't put a sentence together. This is fucking Elizabeth Warren, AOC and the squad, even

friggin' Bernie, all the far-left jackoffs. This is their foreign policy. Don't forget Obama and Soros. It's not shithead. He's a lightning rod for a reason. You know, and the Sopranos, the whole thing,

like most of the seasons are about Tony putting Uncle Junior, his old kind of feeble uncle, as the head of the mob so he can be the lightning rod. And Tony calls the shots from behind. I know I equate everything to this, but because that's, it's Shakespeare. You can take any episode and apply it to any, it's Shakespeare. If Shakespeare said, the beer not to be, cocksucker. Not for nothing. Not for nothing, fucking Juliet. i spent 12 bucks on that dinner

anyways let's move on to some lighter news and i do but before i do i'll give you a fucking what they call a 20 minute warning uh those you guys on mug club right now stick around for the rest of this show by the way alex jones called in when I zoomed in when I was in that guy is the best. He is they came out and admitted they got some undercover, not Crowder's undercover team, another undercover team, interviewing

some guy that used to work for CIA, FBI, bragging about how they bankrupted Alex Jones and how a lot of it's bullshit. Bragging. Big fag too, by the way, in my opinion. Not Alex Jones, the FBI lot of it's bullshit. Bragging. Big fag, too, by the way, in my opinion. Not Alex Jones, the FBI guy. He's drinking an umbrella drink. Yes, Nick, that's the sound of a fag.

For those of you guys on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show, the great Steven Crowder's full show, and a whole lot more. While you're there, folks, check the tour dates. I can't believe I'm stuck. I was so six months ago, and that's a long way away. I can still enjoy now. Here we are. Christ's sake, three weeks away from... You guys are going

to get a show because I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. May 1st and 2nd, side splitters, Tampa. May 10th, two shows, Soul Joles Comedy Club, Pottstown, Pennsylvania. And then the next night, the biggie, and I need you to keep buying tickets, place holds 1,500. I don't see me doing less than a thou, which is fine. I'm already happy.

I just didn't want 250 people to show up. You don't know because I've been off. May 11th, but I've also been on Crowder Show, which reaches a ton of people who think like I do. May 11th, Count Basie Theater, Red Bank, New Jersey. New Jersey, you've been so good to me over the years. Don't disappoint me now.

It's been too long. I'll bring the fucking heat. I promise you. If you bring your mom, because it's Mother's Day. Hi. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. I won't take all that they hand me down And make out I smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town

Cause I'm not like everybody else No, no I'm not like everybody else, no, no I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else, no I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else And I don't wanna be destroyed Like everybody else And I don't wanna get a job

Like everybody else Cause I'm not like everybody else I see you singing, what are you? I'm not like everybody else Hey baby