The Nick DiPaolo Show - "Breach" At The Capitol | Nick Di Paolo Show #1498

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about WWIII, Trump triggering CNN, Vivek lays it out and more! Support the show & snag $100 off your 1st 6 bottles of wine when you go to https://www.nakedwines.com/NICKDIP & use the code & password NICKDIP Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com

🎵 Wake up, white people. You awake? Nope. It's your fearless leader. With a shiny forehead. Mother of God. Refused to put makeup on. It's your fearless leader. The shiny forehead, mother of God. Refused to put makeup on. It clogs my pores and then I can't go dancing. I don't even know what that meant.

I noticed the pores are getting big, though. I used to have nice, beautiful skin now. Up close, I look like Ted Kennedy. Let me say something about my zits. A man goes to a party. All right, folks. How are you? It's Monday.

How was your weekend? Good? Great. Take it easy. See you tomorrow. If you want to talk like a fucking millennial, we'll send you to Slippin' Falls School. Take it easy, Richie.

I watched three episodes over the weekend. I just jumped into the middle of any season like this. Oh, my god. Dude, belly laughing like I'm watching The Three Stooges. It's fucking brilliant. On 19 levels, the jokes are like thick.

You guys know how I feel about that show. It's so goddamn good. What else? What happened over the weekend? Anything? Nothing. Huh? Boring bowl games. I know. The cheap ones. But the best part of the bowl

games is the name of the games. The fucking Clam Lapper. The USA Today Clam Lapper Bowl. The fucking Fish and Chips Egg Salad Bowl. It's fucking, you get heartburn. I know. They mean, you get two teams just listening. I know and they mean you get two teams that are like 500. Really? You get a bowl? Good football. One of course the one I didn't

watch and by the way I couldn't pick my ass this year with the fucking NFL. I just anyways let's get on with it. Fuck this. Where am I? What am I doing? I thought I had something to talk about. That shows you the kind of life I lead, folks. On the verge of WW3, if anybody gives a shit, I think I found this on page eight of the Post. Anybody care? Don't you care, Arthur? The destroyer USS Carney.

I hope there's some Bostonians on that one. Hey, you going on the Carney? My dad was a Carney. Sit on my mother's face, guess your weight. The destroyer. The destroyer Carney operating in the Red Sea shot down 14 one-way attack drones launched from Houthi-controlled territory in Yemen early Sunday morning. Meanwhile, a British destroyer, the HMS Diamond,

which had recently arrived in the region to help protect commercial shipping, also shot down a goddamn Houthi drone. How does a Houthi know how to make a drone? They're not. They get them from Iran, which probably gets their parts. You know, it's a nice double. On Friday, a Hootie Drone, that's right, blowfish was nowhere in sight,

struck the Liberian-flagged motor vessel Al-Jarrah. I took my wife on a trip on that. We went to St. Bart's in the Red Sea causing a fire. The same day, Houthi forces also launched two ballistic missiles toward the Bab al-Mandeb. These guys are all famous soccer players. Anyways, one of which struck the Liberian flagged motor vessel, Palladium III. U.S. warships responded to the attacks at the time.

Did they? Because I didn't see it on the news. I had to read about it. And your government, that's why they're keeping, oh, Hunter, he's got a trial coming up. Joe over here. Trump over here saying he a trial coming up. Joe over here. Trump over here saying he's on trial. But look over here.

Look over here. The assault has had significant impact on the commercial market. Maersk, and you guys, we see that all the time down here, because we've got one of the biggest ports in the world here. If I get a boat, I'm going to name it that. Maersk, the world here. If I get a boat, I'm going to name it that. The world's biggest shipping company on Friday halted all shipping through the Bab-el-Mandeb Strait. Good, now I get an excuse the wife doesn't get the Christmas present.

A vital passageway for cargo and energy shipments traveling between the Red Sea, my sister's ass, the Gulf of Aden. The Pentagon has bolstered its presence in the region, moving three additional destroyers. Are you listening to me? We're sending destroyers over there and shit. This is war. I mean, we're shooting shit down. They're shooting shit at us. Okay? Don't expect your Apple iPods on time. Into the Mediterranean Sea this week. The ships joined the Gerald R. Ford carrier strike group that has been operating in the Mediterranean since Ham week. The ships joined the Gerald R. Ford carrier strike group that has been operating in the Mediterranean

since Hamas' October 7th attack on Israel. A deployment that Austin, that's the fucking black guy who pretends he loves the country, the head of the military, extended again this weekend. Over the past week, missile defense destroyers Laboon, Delbert D. Black,

and the Sullivans, you remember them, they had a big hit in the 50s, called Runaway Jane, have arrived in the Mediterranean. My point being, folks, have you fucking seen any of this? Maybe I'm watching the wrong channels. Maybe they covered on Meet the Press

and blamed Trump for it. You know what I mean? This is a fucking, we're in a little bit of a war. Anybody give a shit? Hey, I'm to blame myself. I'm the same way too. I'm focusing on the candy cane slash chicken gravy peach bowl. Anyhow, I don't know what to make of the world.

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One last time, that's NakedWines.com slash NickDip. Code and password NickDip for $100 off your first six bottles. Great Christmas gifts. Thank you for sponsoring the show, Naked Wines. Let's move on, shall we? Trump triggers CNN. It's like old times. Boy, do I miss this matchup.

Former President Donald Trump on Saturday quoted Russian President Vladimir Putin, because, you know, they're best friends and agents together, to a— How's he still alive, by the way, Putin? Last time we saw him, he was shaking like Michael J. Fox with his shirt off at a Packers game. I came up with that on stage. I've been using it for years. I said it to Dennis Miller on his show. He goes, I can't laugh at that dude. And I go, well, he goes, I'm a friend of mine. Am I fair enough? Still a great, yeah. No, nobody would say that but you. You and Colin Quinn. President Vladimir Putin, anyways, to attack President Joe Biden. Trump was saying, he quoted Vladimir Putin, that Biden is a threat to democracy and double down on language condemned for its ties.

Are you going back to this CNN? Have you not learned anything, you jerk offs? White supremacist rhetoric saying at a campaign event in New Hampshire that immigrants are poisoning the blood of our country. Yeah. Trump repeats anti-immigrant rhetoric at New Hampshire rally. I hope we have footage. They're poisoning the blood of our country. That's what they've done.

They poison mental institutions and prisons all over the world, not just in South America, not just the three or four countries that we think about, but all over the world, not just in South America, not just the three or four countries that we think about, but all over the world. They're coming into our country from Africa, from Asia, all over the world. They're pouring into our country. Essie, let me start with you, your reaction to Trump using white supremacist Klan language. I mean, there aren't any dog whistles here. This is with a bullhorn. No. The kind of language that he's using. Yeah. Yeah, I'm fat and from Andover, Massachusetts.

Like you said. I used to have nice tits and a nice ass, but I was fucking introduced to Krispy Kreme on a fucking campaign, as it were. Shut the fuck up. All three of you has died tonight in a fire, you fucking Jim Acosta, you little fucking faggot. I love how he's bookended with those wonderful horn-rimmed glasses. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. With the king asshole in the middle. Ugh. How is he still around, man? Joe Biden is a threat to democracy. He's a threat, he told supporters

at a rally in New Hampshire. Even Putin says that Biden, and this is a quote, politically motivated persecution of his political rival is very good for Russia. He's saying because they're going after Trump, it makes Russia look good. It shows rottenness of the American political system.

Shut up. We're still not throwing people on TV. We disagree without windows yet. Fucking thug life. It shows the rottenness yet. Fucking thug life. It shows a lot. Speaking of thug life, oh, my God. That was the... Anybody UFC? Thug Nasty, my boy from Arkansas.

Now his name's going to slip me. Anyways, he got knocked out against this guy from Sacramento. Dude, you just hit pop. You don't even see it happen so quick. He goes down. He's laying on his side, right? As they show in the replay, they cut back. He's on the ground convulsing.

He was having seizures. Bryce, whatever his name. I can't think of his last name. Anyways, one of my favorite fighters, Thug Nasty. Of course he has to get up after the Caesars and fucking talk shit. I don't know how people aren't watching this shit. It was the nastiest knockout. Right here.

Not on the button. Right here. Anyways, I was laughing. Now, let's get back to it. So anyways, Putin said that. It shows how our America had democracy. And he says we cannot pretend to teach other countries about democracy. And that's exactly right by Putin and Trump. You can't handle the truth. They can't on CNN. Anyways. Hey, in the second half of the show i'll be talking about another breach at the capitol a different kind of breach

and harvard's once again anti-semitism is showing with pride uh it's unbelievable how's that dispute over there turn into this here why oppress oppressor okay fucking jerk offs on the left they they just see uh you know what israel's extension of america and hamas is anybody who's been oppressed over here which is anybody but me the white fella fuck off anyways back to the story oh anyways it's exclusively on mug club so join now to get that at nickdip.com if you want those second stories i just mentioned coming up second half of the show you really should it's the holidays hey boys and girls head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats t-shirts hoodies and more which yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time.

You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nick-a-shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Trump's comments align with a pattern of expressing fondness for foreign leaders who use anti, listen to this shit, anti-democratic measures to maintain power. They also come after the former president attempted to sidestep questions in a Fox News town hall about whether he would act as a dictator.

Sidestep questions. Sidestep. He welcomed them. He's doubling down on this shit. a dictator if re-elected saying he would not act as a dictator except for day one are you that desperate lefties are you really trump faces federal and state charges all made up all bullshit that nobody's ever faced before stemming from his efforts to overturn the 2020 election which he did not and it's a fucking it is a political rule it's sickening it's what third world dictators do the ones that you're quoting you fucking jerk offs do you see the irony there oh my god please die tonight please please i wish upon you we need need a, look, I'm voting for Trump if he's not in solitary at the time.

They're trying to take him off ballots all over the country. Are you guys asking for a civil war? You think January 6th was an insurrection? Aye, aye, aye, don't go to the mall on next January 6th. But my point is, Trump did get ripped off. The thing was stolen.

If you don't know that, I don't want to talk to you, even if you're related to me. Go home. Get out of here. So I'm voting for him because he did what he said, made his promise. He's a good president. And again, with all the shit in his face. Can you imagine?

But I'm saying if he was in jail, we couldn't vote for him for some reason, this is my boy. Vivek for the win. And you can see how the political machine works when you read the newspapers about the polls. Nikki Haley, Nikki Haley, nothing negative about her. Vivek's all of a sudden just a wise ass who's not relevant. That's how you know he's relevant. It's so fucking sickening. They still mention Chris Crispy, I said. I did, didn't I? Anyways, Vivek for the win. Presidential candidate and my boy, I want to meet this guy. I told you I sent the money. Again, I think he ran right to Radio Shack with it. What? I don't know. Suggested Sunday that CNN commentator,

Van Jones, who's a black dude, far left, he wouldn't say that. I kind of like Van Jones when Trump was in office because he goes, don't underestimate Trump. And then he'd see Trump speak and go, well, he's right about that. So for like a millisecond. But then he shows his true colors like a rainbow.

Van Jones, anyways, Ramaswamy speaking at one of these PAC things, and he said Van Jones should shut the fuck up in response to Jones labeling the brash Republican a demagogue earlier this month. This is why I love this guy. He's at his wit's end with the PC shit. I don't think it gets said enough by the other jerk-offs. You know why? Because they're in on it. Honestly.

And maybe he is too, but right now he's got me. Right now he's got me. I love Indians. I go to Indian doctors. I won't eat their food. I don't need that. I got all kinds of Mexican, all kinds of things that make me bleed from the ass. Even my own cooking. I don't need that. I got all kinds of Mexican, all kinds of things that make me bleed from the ass, even my own cooking. I don't need that. But this guy I love. Absolutely. Because he's a self-made, almost billionaire, fucking Indian, smarter than anybody. And he's had it.

Here you go. And then you get the mainstream media. You got this character, Van Jones, on CNN afterwards saying, this is the rise of an American demagogue who's going to live 50 years longer than Trump. This is dangerous. I am shaking. That's what he says. Just shut the f**k up. At a certain point, just shut the f**k up. We've been waiting for somebody to say that. For what? Honest to God. Shut the fuck up. We've been waiting for somebody to say that. For what?

Honest to God. Even Trump didn't say that. Well, he's a president. Well, whatever. I don't care. That's what it's going to take. Shut the fuck up. I want to see it on CNN when they ask a Republican a stupid question on a panel and go, shut the fuck up. Seriously.

That's what it's going to take. I've been saying you can't kill political correctness without being politically incorrect. If that's what it takes, you've got to fight fire. Start accusing them of being racist. Say all black people are the same. That's what they're saying about white people. They keep lumping us in. They actually made a movie about it.

Just start generalizing. Fucking go back to, see, they've created this environment and people bought into it for the last 40 years that we are racist and shit. So when you do say something like that, it sounds heinous because you've been getting the opposite for the last I don't know how many years. So it sounds really...

So what? Let it ring now. All bets are off. The gloves are off. Just fucking say misogynist, fucking racist. You know why I say that? Because usually those statements are off. Just fucking say misogynist, fucking racist. You know why I say that? Because usually those statements are true.

Yeah. Not in the fake world they build. In the real world, those things are true. Not all cultures are equal. Not even fucking close. Also, stereotypes come from elements of truth. Oh, he's a colonel of truth. Jones also called the tech

entrepreneur a very, very despicable person. So Van Jones is scared of this guy, whose talking points during the debate were one step, boy, you guys, one step away from Nazi propaganda. As opposed to your president trying to fucking

arrest his political opponents. You dumb you-know-what you. Meathead. That's what I meant. I don't like this guy. He sure is. Look at Ramaswamy. Look at him. Like the Indian Elvis. He was the best guy around. He's gone now. Ramaswamy during an onstage appearance at Turning Point USA's American Fest in Arizona. Boy, does this Charlie Kirk guy ever rest? This guy, God bless him, man. America Fest in Arizona on Sunday. Didn't mince words when replying to Jones.

Yeah, we got that. Thanks. I had to throw that in there because the article wasn't long enough. What the fuck? Am I a magician? Don't you love that? Just shut the fuck up. I want to hear it on Face the Nation.

I want to hear it on Fox. I want to hear Shannon Bream or even, what's her name? I'm scared. Put me in a home now. Dana Perino. All these little, these like little blonde Miss Americas just go, shut the fuck up. Godfell said fuck on the five. He said shit.

He must have some serious juice over there. I better keep hanging with him. Greg, relax. I was kidding. Hey, for those of you guys on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com. Join to get my full show.

Get Steven Crowder's full show. I had a blast when I was out there. I think it might have been the funniest one yet. I don't know why. Why? Because they were talking about race for three stories. And they were like fucking fastballs down the middle. And I was just swatting them like an 18-year-old Bryce Harper.

Anyways, everyone else go to nickdip.com. Join to get the full show, crowded show. Alex Jones on Fridays. The Hodge twins, Brian Callen. And again, the undercover team. They're working on stuff. They were telling me about while I was there. And while you're there at nickdip.com, click on the tour button.

You'll see a date for me. Again, I think I'll do a couple before this date, hopefully. Maybe not. Maybe I'll just walk out after not having done stand-up for seven months and just let it fucking fly. What do you guys want? Take a vote online. Call 175.

Have you or a loved one? want. Take a vote online. Call 1-7-5-8. Have you or a loved one? Anyways, May 11th, I'll be at the, there you go, Count Basie Theater, Red Bank, New Jersey. It's 1,500 seats. Yeah, might be out of my range right now, but not by May 11th. If you guys do your homework, spread the word of the Lord. That would be me. You don't believe me? guitar solo Outro Music