The Nick DiPaolo Show - Capitol Chaos | The Nick Di Paolo Show #1920

Episode Date: July 14, 2026

In today's episode Nick talks about The Capitol Gunman, Conor McGregor's Shortest Fight, Russia's "Elite" Soldiers, A Family's Airbnb Picture Surprise, Female Ump Screws Up Twice In 1 Game and A Teen Killing Cover Up!  The FULL SHOW is live streaming & FREE-ONLY on Rumble! Join our LIVE CHAT at 6pm ET every Mon-Thu or watch the FULL EPISODE anytime on demand after 7pm ET. Follow my Channel and get notified! https://rumble.com/c/TheNickDiPaoloShow GET TOUR DATES & TICKETS - https://www.nickdip.com/tour NOVEMBER 5TH - The Punchline: ATLANTA, GA NOVEMBER 6TH - Rivers Casino: PHILADELPHIA, PA NOVEMBER 7TH - Soul Joel's: POTTSTOWN, PA MERCH - Grab some mugs, hats, hoodies, shirts, stickers etc… https://shop.nickdip.com/ PERSONAL VIDEO FROM ME – Send someone a personal video from me! Go to https://shoutout.us/nickdipaolo  or www.cameo.com/nickdipaolo SOCIALS/COMEDY- Follow me on Socials or Stream some of my Comedy!  https://nickdipaolo.komi.io/

are you folks welcome to the show filthy tuesday i think shit's flying by i don't know anyways how are you welcome to the live lineup where it's uh free shows all day and if you want to watch these uh shows ad free you've got to uh join rumble premium and what that includes is um your first born a pound of filet mignon and uh i could tell us to not i'm banned from meat markets on you know that. And I'm not talking about titty bars. Hey, we got one off the board early, Del. Yeah, now that I've fallen in love with steak tips, I'm like, geez, I really like access

to that. Maybe I'll send that lady some flowers or something. I didn't fucking, I wasn't trying to be. I have a sarcastic tone. My whole life, people think I'm, like, cracking wise and I'm not. And I remember Louis C.K. witnessed it many times when we moved to New York. And he goes, it's actually a form of bigotry when they fucking pick on your life. Only he would think of that, you know.

Yeah, and don't forget to follow my channel, which is CBS. My own show on there. Replacing. Let me tell you something. They replaced Colbert with Comics Unleashed. If you guys want my professional opinion, I don't know if I've already given it about this show. I would rather hang out with Colbert and watch your show every night for a year

than watch one episode of comic that's how much I hate that piece of shit show. It's setback stand-up comedians about 20 years. What's his fucking name that hosted, Byron Allen, who's already got zillions. He was connected somehow. I know his mother was big in show business or something. Anyways, he's got zillions.

He throws that piece of shit together. Then first of all, he hosts it. What kind of guy that has that kind of money has to still be seen on TV? You know? And the first time I saw it, I go, you've got to be fucking kidding. He's so fucking lazy.

You guys have seen it. He sits there with four other comedians you've never heard of. He goes down to the comedy store on Friday night and picks him out 10 minutes before they tape, probably. And those fucking comics think it's a big deal, to be on a show. Like, it is,

it's for a car he doesn't even they didn't even take the time to like write segways and do a little sketch here in there between he just goes so i heard you like lobster bill honest to god and the kid does his little lobster routine and then he goes Dave you bought a boat huh he won't even make the connection make a joke about lobsters and boating he's so fucking it is so embarrassingly bad and obviously just a moneymaker because it's cost nothing to make. And people said, I mean, you're talking like fucking open level. I mean, once in a while they have real comics on. This guy Joe DeVito writes for Gutfeld was on it. And he had mentioned something.

I can't remember what I talk about on this show, folks. So bear with me if I repeated it. But in a text when I were doing Gutfeld shit, he mentioned about that. And he was saying something good about it. I go, all due respect, Joe. it's set back and he goes well he goes

something fair point but whatever and he said he had done the show and I said if you did it you might have been the funniest guy they ever had on the show they've had a few I mean Harlan Williams guys who lived out in L.A. at the time I wouldn't do it I was asked to do it I just fucking would not do it

I'm gonna sit next to a fucking open micer so you bought shoes Ted you don't like lamps huh I'm doing the show for you. Dave, your father died, huh, and a fire? Tell us about that. Ugh. Suck a dick.

Anyways, anybody watched the fucking home run derby? I don't know who's making the calls for baseball, but they are right on the money. I was bragging how I said they've changed it 20 times the last 20 years and they finally perfected it the last couple years. They had a, you know, they had a

clock and you had to take so many swings within two minutes, whatever the fuck. But guys were getting tired and shit, right? this year not that you guys care but first round 20 swings no clock and if you hit a grounder it's not an out

you get 20 swings you know I mean the other four if you popped it up it was you know but if you so you get 20 swings as many homies as you can hit and I'm going okay let's see how this works

and I'll be goddamn because last year was entertaining and it came down to the wire. And I'm watching it going, how the fuck? Sure enough. First of all, Contreras for the Red Sox. He's never been in it before. He was the last minute edition.

And he had to lead off. I couldn't do that. Even if I was a great home run hitter, there's a lot of pressure to, even if it's a baton practice. You know, I mean? Some days in baton practice, you hit line drives off the wall.

That's what you're supposed to do. You're not trying to. Some guys do. But anyways, Contreras gets up there and hits 13. out of 20 bombs. He hit one one, one of them was 490. And the rest of them were 460, 470, and I think,

oh, the ball must be flying out of the park. And nobody else, one other guy hit one, 491. I might have been the guy that wanted it. Bottom line is, so anyways, it comes down to Schwabber, and it's in Philadelphia, so it's his home park. He's got the whole place behind them. I love Philly fans. Even when they're introducing the guys in the home,

on derby, they're booing everybody else. I mean hard. And there's little kids in the outfield, you know, trying to catch these balls. You know how they do that in the home? They put the kids out in the outfield. Like a little girl dropped, the whole place is booing. I'm fucking, I am laughing. I go, oh my God.

They've been like that since I was a kid. Remember they hit the fucking, I told you, Santa Claus got ice balls on the face? What is it about Philly that makes you guys so fucking, I thought Boston had a problem with anger. Oh, my God, I was laughing my balls.

Anyways, it comes down to Schwabber, just the way they want it, right? Just the way MLB wants it, because he's been one of the greatest home run. His is the last, you know, last few years, unbelievable. So it comes down to him and this guy, Jordan Walker, is it, for the Cardinals? I think it's the last name's Walker. Young black dude, tall, got a bunch of gold on. He looked bored with the whole thing. It's his first time he's been.

in it, I think it's the first time he's been in it. And he, I've never seen a guy so relaxed on my fucking life. Even in the first, and he was just, everybody else is swinging from their ass. He's just kind of, even the announcers are going, what the fuck? He's not even swinging hard. He knew what he was doing. Anyways, it comes down to Schwabor and him. By the way, Schwab, eliminated my boy Contreras.

Comes down to Schwabreiber, which the Philly crowd in MLB wanted. and this kid Jordan Walker, I hope I'm getting his last name right. Anyways, Schwabber goes first, right? Now they only have 15 swings. He hits 11.

11 moon shots. And the place is going crazy. Even the announcers like, this is going to be hard to beat. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This guy comes up. First couple of just line drives. He's not really the first couple.

He's like, uh-oh, he's in fucking trouble. He's going to have to. Anyways, comes down to, I'd stop boring you. people, but comes down, he's got one swing left, he's down by three. You get an extra pitch if your last thing is a homer, right? Which is another smart move on their part. It's 11 to 8.

He's got one swing left. He's got a hit four home runs. And he does. And he fucking does. I mean, I'm sitting there watching this, and you know people bet on it, I'm guarantee. But his parents were there. It was so cool. they kept cutting his parents.

And this mother, against all odds, I mean, what are the, last pitch, it's like a bonus ball. It's even a different color ball. It's like red and white or what a fucking. Nobody could hit it. The last one, he fucking drills it. Like it was nothing.

And I swear this is him. And he goes like this for the bat. I've never, only a brother can be that cool. I'm sorry. There ain't a white dude on the planet could be that relaxed. He looked fucking bored with it. Anyways, I'm just saying MLB, I don't know who makes the changes and shit, but you nail it almost every time.

And if we could just get soccer out of my country. Fuck. And there's more clips of these people from, especially the UK, this morning, there's clips all over the internet of people from the UK. I don't know what they've been telling the UK over there about the United States. It's like a horrible place and violence and shit. There's people, there must have been 20 clips today of, I don't want to go home, I'm moving here, the food, and we do. We take the shit for granted. All the more reason I want to fucking punch anybody who votes Democrat in the face.

That's the show. Good night, everybody. If you see blood, I cut myself with a knife. Well, really, Nick? It was a knife? Wasn't a knitting needle? Not anymore. Huh?

What are you saying? I remember I saw a guy knitting. at LaGuardia Airport. This ought to be 15 years. Young kid, though. You know, a fucking hipster from like Brooklyn. Knitting.

And people, you know. And I sat on stage, I don't know where I was going, St. Lourter. I saw a guy knitting today, and I fucking praying he was knitting an AIDS quilt for himself. Because I know that's supposed to be. Now, that's a guy who's secure about his manhood. Shut the fuck up.

It's a guy who sucks a prick around the clock. then wipes it with a hat he made. Anyways, folks, that's it. Made eggplant palm. Or as I like to call it, Moline Yon, apparently a racial slurbit. It's really what it is, melanes. How are you? Good folks?

Who gives a fuck? Let's get on with this so I can get out of here. Come in! We're doing the dishes. Don't forget to follow my channel, I guess. I got a channel, the weather channel. I'll tell you what it's going to be like in Brisbane. and today I'll be talking about the capital gunmen.

You hear about this? Well, I'll tell you about it. Kahnem and Gregg, I know you guys have all seen it. I meant to get to it yesterday, but it's still worth talking about because of the fallout and how embarrassed he is and shit. I don't know what to say about it, but I wanted to see that fight.

I was hyped. Also, we got a clip of a Russian soldier trying to shoot a gun that belongs on a fucking helicopter. They put it on like, I think they put it on a kitchen table that he built. You guys got to...

With a tripod. I know. I didn't want to ruin. Yeah, tripod. Then you have a camera on. They got a 2,000-pound gun on it. Fucking thing went around. Like, you know, the things,

fraternity guys, we have with a beanie. Also, uh, female screws up twice. What's that one about? Oh, pump. I can't even read. does they um

well she did a few games last year but she's they say she's a woman i can't tell looks like the marble man um anyways she's stinking it up like people can i just say this i'll save it for the story that's what i'll be talking about have you he's still there folks that'll be some good shit

he'd they tell you about the home run derby uh anyhow any he My only concern about the Red Sox, this has happened many years for the last 10 years, especially last year. They did the same thing. They went on a tear-ass streak right before the All-Star break. And then they fucking lost the momentum.

They came out and did cockat duty. They still made the playoffs. Capital offense is the first story. An armed man was arrested Monday after driving to a security through. I'm going to read it the way they wrote it, driving to a security barricade. This is how they write today, folks. Two, he drove to the barricade and banged the U. he went home.

He drove through a barricade outside the U.S. Capitol, prompting a police investigation into who came, into why he came. Now I'm retarded. It's like a battle between retards. The writer and me. People are betting under and over before I throw something. Ah, my shin, your sister's box.

Jesus. fucking A. I have a dent in my shin. I'll show you, Dallas. I get kicked in high school playing football. I was chasing a guy who was breaking away for a touchdown

and I went to, you know, dive from behind the towel. And his cleat came up. Yeah, and kicked right in the shin and it put a dent. It was bleeding. And when it healed, there's like a dent to my bone. It's still there.

And every once in a while, I'll hit the side of the bed or a fucking, and then I'll do like a dance. For like 10 minutes, I'm spinning on my... I just did that. My eyes are watering. Anyways, they want to know why he came to the heavily protected complex and temporarily shutting down. He had a gun on him.

U.S. Capitol Police said officers arrested the man at North Barricade after discovering he had a firearm. Here's a guy talking about it, so you believe me. Today, just afternoon, we had a white Mercedes SUV park in the 100 block of Maryland Avenue. Pause. A white Mercedes SUV. What is it, a fucking housewife from Malibu? What kind of a guy?

Doing pretty well for himself. Okay, I'm sorry. And we had a person exit that vehicle with a shotgun and begin running towards the Capitol. This individual was challenged by United States Capitol police officers and ordered to drop the weapon, which he did, ply with. He laid down the weapon and then laid down on the ground and was taken into custody by our United States Capitol police officers. I guess it was a clip. I was hearing like a fan. Anyways, authorities have not identified the suspect or announced any charges. Somebody thought it was

Mitch McAdle, but I don't, you can't run like that. Police remained at the scene Monday afternoon where offices were seen removing items. From a Ford Bronco. Oh, no. Every time there's trouble. It's the Ford people. Park diagonally in front of the barricade. You know, I unsubscribe to this thing called Haystack News.

I put it in spam. I labeled it as poison. Fucking, just, I'm getting more now. I don't like, every time I go on the internet to do something, they blackmail you now. We need your address. We need your, you know, your fucking e-mail. email. Right away. Right away, they want to fucking, I ordered ship for my wife from China for her

birthday so you know it's good stuff. And every time you do that, they give you a couple apps to track your shit. Well, now they're on your phone to track you. You slimy zipperhead cock suckers. Ting fount? It's immature. I know. I'm 11. Fuck you. All right. Back to the show. From a distance, I don't know what I stopped reading. The items appeared to include water bottles. Oh, Jesus. This guy meant business. He was going to rehydrate. And other belongings.

A dog that had been inside the vehicle. You brought a dog to an assassination attempt. A dog that had been inside the vehicle was removed safely and brought back to her office. It was Nancy Pelosi. Good night, everybody. Take it away in an SPCA vehicle. The North Barricade remained closed as the investigation

continues. I like to hear about it today when I woke up. And we're getting more and more reports where there's no details. Every friggin' time. I can't believe we got Lindsey Graham's how he died so quickly. Boy, I have a clip of him that I saw on the internet, him defending Kavanaugh during that witch hunt. And it said, it was James O'Keepe, the guy. used her on Project Veritas.

He said, this is still one of the greatest speed, and it is. I watched it. He was irate about what they were doing at Kavanaugh. Guy was a good guy. That's all I'm going to say. Oh, I'm going to be on tour in early 2036. I'll be 111 in entering the stage left

on a ramp. I get crabs. November 5th, punchline, Atlanta. The very next night, the 6th, the river casino in Philly. after that November 7th sold Joel's and Potsdam. Jesus Tommy, you're working. Three gigs in a whole year. Go to

Nick Dip.com to get your tickets before they're sold out or before somebody steals them. While you're there, go to the merchandise page. This is how you support this show. You buy plastic stuff. No. Great hoodies, hats, t-shirts. All of high quality.

I'll vouch for that. I actually wear some of it when I go to the glory hall up the street. Hats, hoodies. the wire bras. Also, you want to send a personalized video to someone? Don't you... I don't know.

I better check in with Crowder to see if shoutout.us. It's like cameo. You do... I make a personalized video. Do you want me to tell you, you know, why she's getting heavy? Well, those pants make her look fucking huge. Another Bobby Slate and Joe.

Honey, these pants make me look fat. No, your ass makes you look fat. Also, you want to send a personalized video? Someone, I'll say what... You don't have the balls to. Go to shoutout.us. They got hacked, like I said, but knowing those guys, they're up and running again. I told Crowder, I have a new cybersecurity company that he could use.

Paul Blart Associates. Have you heard of it? Thank you very much. Guys, wake up out there. I'm working like an Amish guy. They do. That was the reference. And might not a hit home, but Dallas got it.

That's all that matters. Makes it sound funnier. this fucking t-shirt. Again, asymmetrical shoulders. It's not even the shirt's fault. I get shoulders like this. They've been busted up so many fucking times. You understand if I threw a punch

and I landed a good one, it would probably tear my shoulder out. That's where I am. Can't even defend myself. That's why I got what they call a Bowie knife this morning. Anyways, I'll tell you, I was held up in Central Park. I could tell it was it. What a rod can say?

The guy pulled the knife on me. I could tell it wasn't a professional job, but had butter on it. We should run him, huh? A couple times a week, even though it's probably copyright. Anti-climax to the max, but a win for Max. Wow, Nick, you get maxed out on the Max shit. Yeah, I know. Buzz off.

Anyways, you guys all know the story already, and I did mean to get to it yesterday. Connor McGregor just can't stay healthy. There's no other way to describe it. Somebody said, McGregor charged at Max Holloway. they had already fought once. And this was years ago, and Connor McGregor beat him. And this guy, after that,

he was good then, he was great then too, but he turned into a fucking Hall of Famer. Max Holloway, he's from Hawaii, and he is a killer. He's a fucking killer. Who did he point to? Was it Gae? Who was he fighting?

He pointed. The fight was almost over. He was way ahead. And when you do that, you don't want to exchange. You might get caught. the other guy losing might catch you with a good one, right? Not him.

He points to the, like, who's the toughest motherfucker? You guys are probably laughing at home. I don't know if it was Gatji or the other kid from Louisiana. It doesn't matter. It was a badass he was fighting. And he just challenged him. There's like 10 seconds left in a fight and goes, come on. And he fucking knocked the guy out.

He's a fucking, and he's a classy dude. McGregor charged at Max Holloway for a head kick. and he landed funny. I don't think his knee found it funny. Landed funny. That sounds like my parents talking. I landed funny on my wrist when I slipped on the ice at the supermarket. Did you?

You stupid fuck? And landed funny on his leg in the opening seconds. People were laughing. His knee buckled like an office chair at Rosie O'Donnell's apartment and appeared to pop out of kids. place a few times. It did too before the fight was called due to a doctor's stoppage

and you got to hand it to him. He gets back up. He knew it was blown out. They showed a clip of him before the fight. Like when he was taking his slippers off you know they take their robe off and he kind of you saw him kind of people are, there's all kinds of theories good. He might have heard it beforehand

and shit. Of course everybody's saying but here's the video and it's the very first thing of the fight. He comes running out like an idiot. I don't know what he was thinking. Trying some roundhouse kick that's, you know, one in a million. But when they land, he was always about being, you know, doing something you've never seen before.

But his right knee goes poo-poo. Right there. Now it's already ripped up. Look, you can't support him. And the people are going, what the fuck? And he gets up again. Those are called up kicks. I do that to my wife and she's beating me.

Do you hear that one? Watch. Watch. Look, you can tell he's dragging it. And people are going to go, what the fuck is he doing? He keeps falling over. See?

And pause. Holloway looked at the ref and goes, obviously something wrong with him. And after the fight, this is why he got like McGregor. McGregor, I think I said this yesterday, McGregor said to him at this point, keep fighting.

And Holloway goes, You're crazy, bro. You're going to like Callaway for that. If that was a black dude, it'd beat the fuck out of you. Nick, why do you say that? I don't know, I'm racist. Anyways, go ahead. Back on.

Get upstairs. Look, he told the rep. He's hurry. Yet he keeps kicking with that. Watch this. Gonna give out again. Right there. And the 20,000 people who paid, I don't know,

$1,100. I'm like, oh, no. Thank God there's undercard fights and they were great too. That Patty Pimbledon, that fucking English guy, English kid. He's got like a Beatles haircut,

but he puts it in dreadlocks. And he's crazy as this guy is. Only he's English, which is fucking great, blonde-haired, blue eye, as white as they come. And he fucking choked out this guy from France who's a champion and a badass.

He was part of the, like, whatever the special ops is over here or the fucking Rangers or Greenbra. He's one of the, those guys are friends. And this guy fucking Patty Pimilton choked them out in 30 seconds. Anyways, you guys watch this shit. It really is good.

And now, if you got Paramount Plus, I don't have to pay $79 every other weekend. It perhaps the most disappointing finish in UFC history. And the fans let McGregor here post-fight with a steady diet of booze for the enigmatic UFC star.

Excuse me. Yeah, why would you book? again, yeah, he did it on purpose. He wanted to let you all down and let himself down. We're assuming it's a blown ACL, Dana White's head to reporters after McGregor's loss. I don't think there was a pre-existing injury, and they were all denying, you know, saying there wasn't. The ceremonial weigh-in video had over, listen to this, the weigh-in? Just give you an idea about the hype of this fight.

The way-in on the internet had 80 million views. Can you imagine how many people? I wish we could have the audio of the 80 million people. watching that night going, ha-ha-uh. Anyways, like he said, the way he had 80 million views, someone would have noticed. Well, they said that about the Kennedy assassination. McGregor posted his feelings on X after the fight.

He said, my head gasket is gone. McGregor wrote on social media early Sunday morning, destroyed. I had not injuries slash injuries. injured. Who the fuck wrote this? Can the fucking kid with Down syndrome that works at the post raises fucking

fat fingers? Anyways, he said he didn't have an injury before the fight. I was throwing kicks, planted and jumping all throughout camp, as well as backstage before the fight. This came out of nowhere. Why not? I mean, is everything a conspiracy now?

It is because of the internet. Folks, shit fucking happened. We're playing Connecticut up at Maine. What am I? I'm my junior year. It's during warm-ups. I'm starting this fucking game. It's during warm-ups.

I go over the middle, you know, before the game, and I turn my neck to catch a pass. I get a shooting... Yeah, I go, you got to be fucking kidding me. I mean, I shooting pain, and I pinched the fucking nerve. And I'm trying to, you know, I told the coach, I go, coach.

I'm not being a pussy here, but... Now I feel like there's a flamethrower going up my fucking right before the game. Mother of God. Meanwhile all week you're banging heads and shit and nothing fucking happens. That's why I took up, you know what, soccer. Man gets, oh, good segue. This is the next headline, folks. Man gets a suck job on plane.

It has nothing to do with a mile hog club. One passenger had a terrifying ordeal when his window broke soon after, takeoff and he was partially sucked to the outside of the plane. Well, I don't, the seats right there don't look very, you can tell that as a really shitty airline. Look at those seats. Yes. They look like things you'd sit on at Walmart where your wife was shopping and some fucking shit.

If you shop at Wal-N-N-I-N-I-know-a. I know a lot of years do. We all deny it. But as Don Gavin says, I love running my fingers through the polyester. Here's a bit of the story. Tonight, a mid-air emergency on board Ryan Air Flight 1879, bound for German. Oh, Ryan, he's an asshole. ...shows passengers clinging to their oxygen masks after an engine fan blade broke into pieces,

shattering a cabin window, according to Greek media reports. The Boeing 737, carrying 185 passengers, had taken off just minutes prior. The rapid depressurization so explosive, it nearly sucked a 61-year-old passenger out of the plane. His wife and nearby flyers reportedly held onto his legs as his head and shoulders were left hanging out. inside the aircraft. The plane was forced to make an emergency... Emergency land and then they said one of the gay flight attendants tried to stick his prick out that window. It's a true story. I read it in People magazine. So, job. I'm in. Count me in. Can I get a fucking... Can I get... And I've, you guys

have heard me before, it really is. Can I just... I just want a fucking cute white woman just once every 10 flights every time I get to the gate it's fucking Zulu Island and then it's a gay Puerto Rican guy and his pants are too fucking tight and he keeps asking me if I wanted nuts on my chin yes

obviously I'm hungry it fucking makes me you got to remember but yeah they used to hire by looks when the world was great give you something to do the whole flight you can stare at an ass or something now it's a woman in her late 60s

and like Dennis Miller said she's doing it for the free airfare of Aruba they say in those speeches and we do it for one reason you shut the fuck up I do you for you on Friday morning by the way anybody fly

Ryan I don't like the name I don't want to fly a fucking airline named after a single guy you know I mean Phil's airline discount on Friday morning, the unidentified man was traveling from Thessaloniki, Greece, where I have a summer home, to, oh, I'll ask me about my olive oil purchase. I'm one of those people, you know how cynical I am, right? But I'm one of those people that falls for that shit on the internet.

I'll tell you in a second. Thessaloniki, Greece, to Mamingin. You know what? Just the name of the two cities, I hope you die. in Germany on a budget, oh, a budget, as opposed to their luxury. This is like taking a fucking Uber or an ex-UB, budget Ryan Air Flight before the harrowing incident.

Can imagine the wife was holding on to his feet? My wife wouldn't have grabbed my feet. She would have been tending and push him with a shirt. Yeah. Oh, oh, so slippery. What? Why are you using your feet? She's liked to the flight attendant.

Do you have any butter? I can put on my hands. The flight was directed to turn back to Thessalon and reportedly landed safely. The injured man was bleeding from his vagina and nose. What? No. He was bleeding and initially fainted. What are you, Pussy, Frater Heights?

I just picture him going, hey, is there a breezing hair? As of me? Shut them. The man was sucked out of the window, head first, up to his shoulders. Oh, my God. Even Dallas who jumps out of planes is like, what the fuck? I have a thing on. According to public broadcast to ERT in Greece,

other passengers rushed to hold him down, punch him in the face for delaying the flight, and prevent him from being sucked out even more. What is this? Who wrote this? Fucking Ron Jeremy? He was treated for shock and other injuries, while the rest of the passengers were treated for broken ribs from laughing. The other passengers were transferred to another flight,

and on that flight, a roof blew up. You know, years ago, 20-something. Do you guys remember the, what was it, a Hawaii? Was there a Hawaiian airline? The flight, anyways, do you guys remember this? And this is fucking true. While they were flying, a hole blew out, something blew out and the fucking flight attendant sucked out of the plane. I'm talking at like 25, 30,000 feet. That's why I'm thinking about retiring. I don't want that to happen to me. And then I'd land in Tulsa and have to do the 7 o'clock show. They're like, he's paralyzed from the neck down, but he says

On a Tuesday. Yeah, on a Tuesday, in front of 11 people who don't even know who I am. Passengers were transferred to another flight. According to the doctor who treated the man, he was 61 years old. Is there anybody fucking older than me? Every story, every

person I meet, every bar I go into. Fuck, when did that happen? Nobody cares if he died. Once you hit. Matter of fact, this country was so, don't give a fuck about all people. That's just the American way. I'm fine with that. But once you hit like 58

and they see that you died, people aren't. His wife, he said he was 61. His wife had to hold onto his feet to keep him in the plane. A Greek flight official told ABC news that the Ryan Air Boeing 737 suffered an engine failure that led to parts

hitting the fuselage and damaging the window. Well, when you land, I'd go, okay, I want to see who the mechanics were and who did the pre-check and not necessarily always going to tell you what happened, but that's the other thing. In a capitalist society, we trust people so much, whether it's people who can food or, you know, it's all based on trust. And I always think about that getting on playing because I'm such a positive guy. And I see those guys out there. Sometimes you'll see a mechanic and I'm going, what if you had to fight with his fucking wife?

And he is fucking furious. Oh, what if he is a deep depression we don't know about? You ever think about, this is how my mind works, even after flying for 30-something years. I'm always thinking about the millions of parts that have to work, right, that have to work perfectly. God damn it. Frightening shit.

Oh, about my olive oil. There's a guy, and you've all seen him, I know he's Dr. Gundy, he's a world-renowned heart, thoraxic heart. surgeon. Literally, one of the best in the world. But I'm almost, he's probably one of the best scammers. I don't know. But he's always pushing diets that you're like, what can I eat? He's always ruling out, you know, fucking that's a nightshade food. Tomatoes are no good for you. People think nuts are good for you. This is why they're bad.

And you're down to like fucking rabbit pellets and maple leaf and what? Yeah. And by the way, that's to be water from fucking France. His shit, I'm going, this guy hates everything. So I finally sat through his, and you guys are probably laughing at all, my wife laughed at me, but I sat through the whole presentation,

which is like 45 minutes, about his olive oil, as you know, is really good for you. Everybody knows that. But not olive oil. Like, once again, in this country, when you buy olive oil and it says it's from Greece or Italy, in this country,

it's not pure olive oils. Even if it says, virgin olive oil. A lot of times they cut it with other oil. You know what I mean? Not all olives, some other. Do you know, and do you know like McDonald's and all those places? When they're done with their friar shit, that grease,

do you know they sell it and they put it in trucks, engines and shit? You know, it's true. But the point is, there's something in olive oil called polyphenols in olives. And there's something called, see if I got this right, hydroxyteracil hydroxytyrosil which literally fights fat. It lobes

your joints. It penetrates, they call it the brain blood barrier. A lot of shit doesn't make it to your head, I guess. Anyways, and olive oils have polyfingols and but this, so he went around. He travels because he's retired.

He flew around to find the best olive oil. He went to Greece in Italy and the best olive oil, not as far as taste, because I got it yesterday. And I remember reading reviews. One guy is like, it tastes like ass. I'm like, okay, give me three bottles. But the best olive oil, as far as healthy olive oil, because this has 30 times more,

what I just say, hydroxyterosol, these olives have 30 times more of that than regular than olive oils and other parts. because it grows in Morocco in a very arid dry place. And it makes sense. I looked it all up, not just on him. I fucking googly. The trees have to, that's how they protect themselves by producing this hydroxyceric,

because it's so dry, which is the thing that makes olive oil so healthy for you. So he said before he, you know, he said you had to drink, he was already pushing some other olive oil, but you had to drink like a liter of it a day. excuse me, a week. And he goes, me and my wife wouldn't go through a lead of it a week,

even if we were putting food and stuff. So I couldn't tell you guys to do that if I'm not doing it. And that's when he went to Morocco and found it. And this shit, like I said, it's 30 times. And I believe it. I just fucking, because don't just listen to their pitch. You know, go on AI and shit. Anyways, I fell for it.

Take it easy. Three bottles, 140 bucks. My wife's like, of course you did. And I go, don't give me that shit. I go in the shower. you have 17 kinds of conditioners. There's only one. You know?

They put a picture of a peach on it the next week. Then they tell you it's deep fucking whatever. Calf come. And you fall for it. So don't fucking tell me. From Morocco? What? The olive oil?

Yeah. Morocco? Yeah. No wonder it tastes like ass. Why? Is Morocco back? Middle Eastern, North African country. Well, I'm not.

I'm not drinking the. urine. I'm drinking the fucking I mean the hummus is good. No, I know. Trust me. You're preaching to the quiet here. I want a lot of spooks out there, you know? But so yeah, I get it. And some

people love it to taste and it doesn't even taste like olives. It's got that bitter finish so you know it's olives. You know, it's supposed to be peppery. This is pretty bitter. Honestly, but it's like, I'm thinking oh, this is today's castor oil that people used to take back in the old days.

When you're sick, everything was castor, it tasted horrible. It was so good for you. But he, you know, you can put it, you can put it on your fish, your salads, or whatever, to get the daily. I just do a shot of it. I did a shot of it, you know. And I'm going to, you know what? I forgot to do it this morning. Okay, forget the whole story.

I'm sending the shit back. But yeah, it tastes like it's good for you. Let's put it that way. But you only need, you only need like a teaspoon as opposed to a liter a week. because this shit's so potent, and it tastes it. So anyways, I don't know how that's going to help me sleep. Went to bed at 3.30 last night. 3.30, folks.

Actually, 3.10, I had it up. You guys watch those music reaction videos? There's a woman called Stacey R.P.G. She's 30 years old. She takes my breath away. I'm a blonde, you know me. My wife, who's still stunning, by the way. My fucking wife, blonde hair, blue eyes.

I've always attracted to blonde hair blue eyes because I grew up around women with dark hair and my sisters and I didn't want to fuck them but I'm always a blonde hair blue eye that's why you know and always always attracted to the blood could be 40 women I go right this girl's got dark hair

and I don't know I'm not going to say anymore Stacey RPG and she reviews music you know And she doesn't know much about music, but she's, I, I, anyways, call me. What?

She goes, what's that? Oh, yeah. How do you? Anyways, let's move on to something more like. And now for Nick's video of the day. I think we're going to do that, but at the end, I want you, I want you to shoot me at the piano and I'm sitting nude. Didn't they do that on Monty Python or some shit? in our vaudeville segment, video of the day, I should say tonight.

This is the insane moment, God, this made me laugh and made me feel better about our chances against Russia and a war. Insane moment, a rookie Russian trooper is flung from a machine gun turret during training and almost kills his instructor. That kind of creep me out because I've gone to an indoor gun rage down here, not far from my house. and I googled it before I went and there was a story a few years back this guy, this father brought his young son in it was like 12

and gave him some monster shot, I don't know what it was a shock, whatever the fuck. His father's standing behind him. He fucking shoots the gun and goes like this and kills the old man. So I said, I'm joining that one. They seem like they're right on top. of it you believe that that's at what I read this it's uh yeah it's fucking horrible in it

um anyways the viral clip shows what appears to be a nervous russian soldier preparing to fire a yak yakby oh like 12.7 oof some girl told me i was 12.7 in fifth grade on a scale of 38 said fuck you karenne karenne conway i pulled her chair out she used to sit in front of me i had a crush on it she fucking hit her chin I pulled the chair. That's what you do when you like the girl in your kid. She's in front of me. I put my foot under your chair and pull it out.

And that's what you do in your fifth grade. But I was doing it like in college and people like, come on, I grow up. Anyways, a yak, Dallas knows it's a yak B12.7. It's a helicopter machine gun. They put it like Dallas said on a fucking camera tripod. Excuse me. the soldier pulls the trigger and has immediately spun around the turret before letting go and being flung out of you.

Now, you know who had to watch this and be crying? Zelensky and his boys. And by the way, tons of Russians. They say there's over a million Russians been killed and this thing that's been going on for quite a while now. Check this out, folks. Really fucking crazy. It is.

Why are they bleeping? Look at it turned into a fucking, you know what, a radar. Beska, Beska, Beska. That means you're done, fuck, base. I didn't, I'm glad you got that. I didn't see. Do you understand? Do that again, Dallas. You don't see this shit often.

It is the video of the day. I know. I wanted the Benny Hill music. Watch the fucking guy. How close he comes to dying. This next guy. You can hear him laughing, too. That guy.

That's good. Reflexes. What if he wasn't paying attention? He looked away for a second. Cooked. The machine gun eventually stops firing it and comes to a standstill in Denver. And a man who appears to be an instructor resurfaces. Other soldiers come to check on him and laughed it can be heard in the back.

You know those funny Russians. They get a kick out of shit like that. God bless. Oh, man. Russian casualty figures are not made public, but a study by the Metadzone and independent Russian media. found more than 350,000 Russian troops have been killed in Ukraine since the start of the war in 2022. And it's higher than that. Now, Moscow has long been trying to fill its military ranks

after sustaining unprecedented casualty rates. In May, Russian President Putin signed a decree, give you an idea how desperate, offering debt relief for new military sign-ons and an easier pathway to citizenship for wannabe citizens living in Transcendistria. According to ABC, people who signed a contract with Russia's Defense Ministry

from May 1st would have debts of up to $130,000 $10 million roubles wiped out. That's how desperate. According to a decree posted on the Kremlin's websites. Yeah, I'm going to take

Putin's word for it that he's going to pay me back when I'm Oh my God. And that was Nick's video of the day. Hi. What are the frigging odds? Is the headline of the story.

A families stay at a San Diego Airbnb. Dallas, I know B&B is like bed and breakfast. What's the air? They have oxygen at these places? You're ordering it via your app, so you're just traveling to the air. Oh, yeah, great, nice marketing.

Fucking air. You know what else who travels to the air? My farts. Airbnb took a surreal turn. These people stayed at Airbnb, and the trip took a surreal turn after they walked inside and discovered a framed photo on the wall.

Okay, you're with me so far? Showing themselves playing on a beach a decade earlier. They're in somebody's house. They've never been in before. I don't even know where they came from and where the house was. I didn't. It doesn't matter.

I don't care if it was up the street. But this is, and you know what? Think about this. The bizarre coincidence was shared in a viral video. And then again, here's my center coming out going, how do we know this is true? They got a million clicks just like they want. I don't trust anybody anymore. The bizarre coincidence was shared in a viral video in which two sisters explained.

They spotted the photograph hanging inside the vacation rental and quickly realized it featured their own family from about 10 years ago. Here's the two girls getting their clicks and hoping somebody rich goes, they're cute. Okay, guys, the weirdest thing happened. We get to our Airbnb in San Diego. Settling. Unsettling.

And we're looking through it, no connections to it. We're looking at this picture. Shut up, Diane. I'm talking. Is like, this looks like me. And I'm like, dad, what? No, this is my dad.

that's my sister, loving when she was 10 years ago and that's Brady, my brother, 10 years ago. He is literally in the Airbnb picture. We have those swimsuits. We are literally in this picture. It's the crazy thing.

Put on the suits. Airbnb wall. This can't be really. No, guys. We think this is crazy. We're actually spiraling. What's even weird? They go in the kitchen.

Is it Egg McMuffin? I got nothing. We're on pins and needles here. Don't leave us hanging, heck. There's my dad. There's my sister. There's my brother. Touching my sister.

After taking a closer look, they confirmed it really was them by matching their faces. Even their bathing suits they had been wearing during the beach outing. I wish we had that sound effects at Robert Klein. The unexpected discovery, I'm working on the sound thing, folks. We ordered the fucking, uh, we got ahead. and get adapted for the... God damn it. Fuck.

I knew you had it somewhere. Oh, perfect. Isn't that great? I want to play that one. The unexpected discovery left the family in disbelief with one of the sisters admitting they were spiraling. I don't know what that means.

At the odds of stumbling upon a picture of themselves and a home, at least you didn't say literally spiraling. They had never visited before. That is... Think about that, though. You get an... Airbnb in Oklahoma, you fucking go out there and you walk into the room.

Kind of creepy. Then they found their mother's bra under the bed. The family said it was their first time checking into an Airbnb and their last because it creeped them out. No. Making the coincidence even more astonishing. Well, if you say so. Isn't that fucking weird? God works in mysterious ways.

And one of them is this haircut. You know, let's go go to the final story tonight. Compire messes up. you're going, what's that mean? Well, it's an umpire and it's a female, a dyke. I don't get along with them. They don't like me because I get the same haircut. Goatee.

A compire messes up. Jen Paywall. I called it Jen Paywall. It's Pawal. It doesn't matter. Her name should be Jim, by the way. Made history in August of last year as the first female umpire in the MLB after nearly a decade working her way up through the mind.

totaling over 1,200 games before, if it took 1,200 games to bring her up, probably didn't have that greater rating. Before she finally got the call to the dance. It's her first dance anybody's called her to ever. Look at the puss on this poor lady. I mean, some of them don't, some of them don't have a, like Rosie O'Donle never had a shot, you know. I don't know why we keep listening to her. You guys ever ask yourself that?

Why she's still relevant? Out of all the libs that have big mouths, why she still, because Trump picked on her? Fuck off. Look at this thing. On Sunday at Petco, perfect, Park, in the last game before the All-Star break, she was behind the plate for the Padres Blue J series,

decided her, and by the end of it, both dugouts had something to say where the internet charged as well. They were charged up as much. The trouble started in the second inning when sung Mun Song, again, those goddamn immigrants come in and start trouble. Sung Mun Song.

There's a joke in there? I mean, you got sung song. Sounds like a Neil Diving song. Song-mong, song. Attempted to challenge a call strike from Kevin Gosman. Paywall claimed that the hitter, Gorsman, was late tapping his helmet. If you guys don't know the new rule,

the minute you want to challenge a pitch, whether it's a ball of strike, you got to tap your head immediately, claimed the umpire said that he was late in tapping his helmet. Padre's hitting coach, Steve Sousa Jr. Disagreed, protested her decision while Craig Stamman went to talk with a third base umpire.

Adam Hamari, paywall ejected arguing Sousa Jr. from the game. So here's the pitch that, that the guy didn't challenge quick enough, but in there for the strike, and Song is going to challenge. And Jen Powell telling him it's too late.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know they want to go. You know. It's a good thing that he doesn't get it? Ooh, it looks like it lit up. And Stamond's coming out now as Steven Sousa Jr. was really barking out there.

It still is. And very close to getting tossed, and he is tossed. Pause. You know the guy said, I want to be the first one get tossed by a dyke. Go ahead.

That's a male empire right there, fuck. There's the female empire. Stanley was going out to talk to the third base umpire Adam Hamery so the hitting coach has been ejected here Let's check out Jen Powell and Pitt

Does she look away and make the call? Let's see this right here okay She's watching why See how she looks away And then they all look away But Dallas makes a good point You know the guy looked down And she hadn't made the call yet

So you can't challenge it until you know what she says. I guess. But it's funny. I've been watching and and I don't, I guess I haven't seen somebody because a lot of these arms take their fucking times. They're taught to stand up by the way. This is how much free time I have.

I went through how they trained and shit. It's pretty fascinating actually. Anyways, yeah, so he didn't go to his helmet fast enough. That was the first incident in this game. After the Padres, it was a Blue Jay's turn to be frustrated in the same inning. In the later half of the second inning with the Padres

up two to one and the bases loaded. Look at more haystack news. Bases loaded. Jackson Merrill was at the batter's box. Merrill backed out of the box to claim a bark against Kevin Gorsman. If you guys don't know what a bark is, it's too many rules to explain it, but a pitcher can't make any motion forward or whatever the fuck. Even a little twitch, it's a bark against Kevin Gorsman and the empire gathered to discuss the play. However, before that, Paywall had already ruled the pitcher's strike. Poor Brut.

Check this up. Merrill was backing out of the box, and they're going to bring Ty France home from third. And now John Snyder's coming out. You mop-eat-eat-se. Let's hear this argument. I have no idea why. I don't either.

Merrill was backing out of the box, as the pitch was coming in, it appeared. You call it a box? or something? I mean, that's, yeah. Well,

you're quick on the uptake there, Bill. Now, remember, just because a batter request time, the umpire does not

have to grant. They have that authority, right? Okay, he's set. Boy, I don't see. She points.

She points. Huh, I didn't see. What's the, why did she bring? Yeah. Pause, you think she was like,

oh, Bach, but that's not what she was doing, right? Oh, I think she was saying, even though this guy might have called time out, you know,

but you don't, but you don't, do that either. You let the pitcher throw it, right? I don't want to want to pick on your lady, but you had a bad day. You know what? Go back to what you do. Wrestling. Midgets in bars.

Former MLB pitcher, Seth McClung, was among those who weighed in. Former pitchers sitting home, he said on the internet, female umpire, Jim Paywell had another rough day as ring leader of a circus. She continually is one of the worst rated umpires. Now, here's my

take on this, but I don't know if it applies to lesbians. I know you guys think I'm being tongue-in-cheek, but I'm not. Women have bad, I don't care. You don't have good spatial skills. It's the one thing guys have naturally, most of us. What are spatial skills? Judging distance, speed.

You know what I'm saying? It's why it takes you 12 hours to parallel park when you have 40 feet on each side of the car. It's just a fact. Just like you girls have better or whatever than us. I can't think of anything. Look at this.

Right there she's going, I want that fat girl. But spatially, I'm serious. But I don't know. Like I said, she's got more testosterone than I do. So maybe that doesn't, but it's true.

I would, umpiring would be not the right. Let's, if she was, let's put it, if she was heterosexual, 100%. That's why you don't see

100% heterosexual. NFL refs, it's different. This, you're looking at a hundred mile out fastball. Now they can. at the thing, thank Christ. But even a

play at the plate, you know what I'm saying? Nick, that's sexist. Who gives a fuck? You guys love me. For that reason, I tell the truth. And it always is the truth. It's helped my career. I got to go to the car wash, my second job.

Anyways, as the umpires gathered to discuss, a man of John Schneider and Gorsman were both visibly frustrated. Schneider even came down to the field, but ultimately the ruling went against them. As the crew overturned, strike and ruled it a buck. The ruling scored Thai France.

On a buck, you get to take the next, you're on base, you get the next base. This guy was on third. He comes home. And the other guy moved to second. And whatever. The point being, it's a lesbian up and she had a tough day. I don't know. It's funny, though, right? The NFL

kind of snuck those female refs. They quietly, right, inserted them. All of a sudden, there's somebody with a pony. And they kind of, like, they look heterosexual. The few that are in there. I saw one with a penis outline, but come on. That's neither here nor there. That's it for today, girls and boys and everything in between.

Want to be inclusive? Hey, stop believing finally. Don't forget, cameo.com. That's when I'll make a personalized video. You go to Cameo, click on my profile, tell me what you want to say about your fat cousin or your mom at the funeral being an asshole to you. Stuff like that. Oh, motherfucker. That's it.

You guys think it, I'll say it. You're very welcome. We'll see you back here. Same time tomorrow. Have a good rest of the day. Hi. Good night, everybody.