The Nick DiPaolo Show - CK Return Rankles the Retarded

Episode Date: January 3, 2019

Today’s Show: CK’s Return Rankles The Retarded, Flip Flopping Mitt Back For More, Warren’s Instagram Message Insta-Flop, Super Dave Super Dead.

🎵 Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen. How are you? Happy 2019. A horrible year. Absolutely horrible. I don't like it already let's turn back time last time was happy 1969 I was seven Corinne Conway was six I pulled a chair on second grade girl had a crush on she banged her chin on the desk and bit through her upper lip and so started my history with the women.

833-599-NICK. 833-599-6425. The phone number. Real quick, quiet I can hear you, pencil neck geek. I'll come in there and fucking twist your head into a soft pretzel. Tour dates. Come on, guys. Come on. What? tour dates what do you come on guys come on

what you got a date I did a fucking week ago alright there's two of them on here I already did that shows me you people

are really focused on something else young boys in tight wet bathing suits Wednesday January 9th excuse me the fat black pussycat in New York City

Friday January 11th Lucy's in Pleasantville New York Saturday January 12th, excuse me, the Fat Black Pussycat in New York City. Friday, January 11th, Lucy's in Pleasantville, New York. Saturday, January 12th, the Fairfield Theatre Company, Fairfield, Connecticut. Saturday, January 19th, Bobby B's, Winsor Locks, Connecticut. Sunday, January 27th, Ventura Harbor Comedy Club, Ventura, California. I'm adding a date the Friday before that

when I do Rogan on the 25th. That night, I'm doing something in San Diego. Not sure where yet. Friday and Saturday, February 8th and 9th, The Black Box in Bogarton, Florida. Friday, March 8th, Wood Theater, Glens Falls, New York. Saturday, March 9th, Cajos Hall, Cajos, New York. I will be shooting an hour there.

Friday, April 26th, Steel Stacks, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Friday, May 31st, Jonathan Zagunkwit, Maine. Saturday, June 1st, Whites of Westport, Westport, Mass. I don't think that link's up yet. Saturday, August 10th, Newtown Theater, Newtown, Pennsylvania. And then October 19th, the Ridgefield Playhouse,

Ridgefield, Connecticut. Nickdip.com for all your ticket tour information. Buy a silly hat while you're there could you how are you how was your new year's mine was uh great new year's eve uh Tarrytown uh music hall Tarrytown 19 minutes from here was home by I don't know fucking 10 30 with money in my pocket watching bowl games that's what what I call a wet dream. Who's with me? Anybody? Raise your faggy left hand. Tremendous.

Had over 400 people. That's a good turnout. We haven't even started marketing this show yet. I understand a lot of clips to be developed, a lot of stuff that I hate doing personally, but we are going to get to it. And then I had a buddy of mine go back to the house after the show me and my we ordered uh chinese food i ate five egg rolls in

four seconds and uh still i'm feeling it don't know what's in it poodle fucking german shepherd and cabbage but uh yeah we were watching some bowl game that I recorded earlier. I forget, you know, I forgot about the countdown. I missed the whole, what's her name, Tegan, the supermodel who talked about steaming her vag on live TV on NBC. Which I actually have a soft spot for her because I played in something called the Beach Bowl when I worked with DirecTV. Before the Super Bowl, they have like a, you know, kind of a pro-am thing. You guys remember if you watch Nick and Artie. And I collided with, what's her first name, Tegan? Come on, fellas. You're supposed to like broads. Just fake it. Anyway, she's a supermodel. She pinched my ass when I got up. We ran into each other.

Not bad, huh? For a guy who looks like Frank Stallone. She was talking about steaming her veg. Apparently she has fresh vegetables for a snatch, and I like my deep fried. Who's with me? Raise your faggy right hand. Anyways, yeah, so I forgot about the countdown. We're watching a ball game, and we missed some of that action. That's how you know, in your late hundreds. How about the people standing out there in the cold with no place to piss and 7 in the morning? Fucking retarded.

Refucking totted. We're live on Facebook right now, and we're live on YouTube and all that other shit, so focus. We'll do it live. Okay. We'll do it live. Okay. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live!

I'll write it and we'll do it live! All right, Billy. Take it easy, you big bitch. I want all of you to enjoy your cake. So, enjoy. Enjoy it. I'm as mad as hell and I'm not gonna take this anymore!

Take what? Take it. did you uh twinks do new year's eve chase i was down in virginia you're down in virginia doing what were you uh running over left wingers in your mustang i was they were they weren't too happy but no i was actually i was at a bar is that a bar you could have done that up here you cheese dick i could have but now i went and visited a cousin who lives down there, my sister and I. Did you fuck her? She's from Virginia. She's from New York.

And no. Okay. What did you do, Ryan? Meet up with a couple of Eagle Scouts behind a dumpster? I got slammed with my girlfriend and all of her friends. You what? I got really drunk. You got a girl now?

Yeah. How long before you go back to dick? I got really drunk. You got a girl now? Yeah. How long before you go back to dick? I don't know. I love him. He's honest. He doesn't give a shit. It's an addiction. Oh, good.

No pun intended. It's an addiction. Well, break it. Put a vape in your mouth. Put an e-cigarette. Anything but a cock. Who's with me? You're asthmatic, but you can't.

I am. Yeah, gobble goo. Anyways, I've been with girls who are asthmatic, horrible blowjobs. They can't breathe three seconds to it. I pinched their nose, like Tony Soprano did to Christopher

when he died in the SUV. Though able showers may come your way, they bring you scumbags. Real quick, may come your way. They bring you scumbags. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Real quick, before I get to the calls, 833-599-6425. A guy died today,

Bob Einstein, who I absolutely loved. You know him better as Super Dave Osborne, you people my age. He was a funny MF-er. He was Albert Brooks' and uh a really funny dude two-time emmy winner had a recurring ep uh you know part on curb your enthusiasm he died uh in indian wells california today he was 76 recently but. They say recently diagnosed with cancer.

When I saw him on Curb Your Enthusiasm, he sounded like Jack Klugman. He was speaking through his fucking poison larynx. And I go, this guy's sick. But they're saying they're making it sound like it was recent. So I don't know. Maybe he just smoked his balls off. Best known to the young kids today as playing the very surly but always hilarious Marty Funkhauser. And curb your enthusiasm.

Einstein's younger brother, actor-director Albert Brooks. Don't tell me he didn't help him with his career. But Albert Brooks tweeted today, RIP my dear brother Bob Einstein. A great brother, father, and husband. A brilliantly funny man. You'll be missed forever. I happen to agree.

I used to love when he came on Letterman back in the day. And his career dates from the 60s. He won an Emmy as part of the writing team for the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, went on to earn nominations, Emmy nominations as a writer for Sonny and Cher, Comedy Hour in 72 and in 74. Two more Emmy nods for writing on the Dick Van Dyke's mid-70s series, Van Dyke and Company. Listen to this.

He didn't want to go into it. He hated stand-up because Milton Berle and other comics told jokes at his dad's funeral in 1958. And that's when Bob said, I'm never going into comedy. Instead, he went to Chapman College, played basketball, pursued a career in advertising, 1958. And that's when Bob said, I'm never going into comedy. Instead, he went to Chapman College, played basketball, pursued a career in advertising. When he did a TV performance on a local cable show for a friend, pretending to be the man who installed the stars in the Hollywood Walk of Fame,

it caught the eye of Tom Smothers. This shit kills me. People get, like George Lopez got discovered sandra bullock at a comedy club i've played 50 times in austin i mean i've been out there 30 years nobody important fucking mike lindell the my pillow guy showed up at a show and couldn't even put me in a anyways local cable and he makes a career out of it he executive produced produced, wrote, and appeared as the bumbling Super Dave Osborne. That's what made him famous on numerous shows, including the sketch comedy show Bazaar. And on the self-titled show Super Dave from 87 to 91 on Showtime.

Here is one of his gags. Also, I have a lot of fans. And Super Dave, as you know, has never quit from any stunt. That's true. But you're covering this live, and I'm sure that's the way you would hope it to be. Absolutely. So what I'm going to do is just wish you the best luck in your next stunt, wherever it might be or whenever.

Well, thank you, Mike. I hope to see you in the Grand Canyon in a couple of months, and I'll do one that'll knock your head off. That'll be great. Okay, Super Dave. Canyon in a couple of months and I'll do one they'll knock your head on that'll be great okay super Dave well this is Mike Walden returning it to our announcer down below I think that's the smartest thing you ever did I would have been splattered all over the side of the thing. Of course you would. Well listen I guess we're off now. I'm not gonna jump. I think they know that listen I'm gonna go down I'm gonna take the elevator down I'll see you down there. I think they know that. Listen, I'm going to go down.

I'm going to take the elevator down. I'll see you down there. I won't need it. Okay. See you later. He's at the Rogers Center. Holy shit! Oh, my God!

I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Oh, my God. Supernatural. Are you all right? Oh, yeah, John. I'm just fine. Oh, my God. Dave, are you all right? Oh, yeah, John. I'm just fine.

Thank you. Cut. Mr. Goodness, I couldn't believe in this terrible, terrible fall, but you seem to be all right. Are you going to be all right? Why are you talking to me? I need an ambulance.

I got about a minute to live. I'm in pain here, okay? Don't you worry, Super Dave. We're going to get that ambulance. Help me, cut. Oh, wait a second. I got about a minute to live. I'm in pain here, okay? Don't you worry, Super Dave. We're going to get that ambulance. Help me punch. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, what you have just seen is absolutely the most unbelievable stunt that I have ever seen

by the remarkable Super Dave Osborne. John, I'm in pain. Our best wishes go for a speedy and complete recovery for Super Dave. I'm dying. And now back to the show. What is that noise? Oh, my God.

What are you saying? We're Super Dave. I'm under the truck. I'm looking at the side of the car. I was checking out. Oh. Don't try to start it off. All right.

Rest in peep, Bob Einstein. Rest in peep, I said. It's like peace, only it's, you know. But here's something I didn't know about him. His greatest stunt, however, was having a case against him, nearly making it to the U.S. Supreme Court. A Polish group, figures, objected to an appearance on the Dick Cavett Show in 72 when Einstein posed as the president of a fake Polish defamation league

and told a series of offensive jokes. Even back then, PC fucking jerk-offs. Huh? Just taking them fine out of the light. Four years later the high court refused to hear the case denying the request for an on a on air rebuttal um you know he was on late night with letterman that's where i was introduced to him jimmy kimmel and hollywood squares tonight show with johnny carson leno and conan o'brien And it was really great on Curb. So, yeah. Rest in peace.

You had the Polish people after you, so you must have been really offensive. Anyways, that's the times we live in, right? I love how comedians are the focus point. Anytime somebody says something that's hurtful, off-color, slash hate speech they don't they comedians they go after you know why because we're holding a mic and we're talking right to you you know there's no wigs there's no makeup well i got makeup uh but it's it's it's fucking precious

and uh that's the times we live in course, we have a lot of female comics now and they've brought their fake rape stories into the business and liberal guys who are trying to fuck those liberal female comics who pretend to be what they call feminists and then they're as creepy as any of the guys out there.

It's a real clusterfuck and I blame Pete Holmes. No, I don't. I'm kidding. I blame Judd Apatow. I'll get to him in a few seconds. What a bitch this guy's turning. I told my wife, if I see him in the village while they

film him crashing, I'm going to knee him in the fucking balls. It'll make me famous one way or the other. This guy has tits and a clit the size of a pancake. Who's with me? The Abel Showers make him louis ck my buddy my old roommate who i absolutely love love him even more now and i've stated many times i didn't condone what he did with those women and shit and if he did it to anybody i knew my sisters

or any i would have fucking punched him right in his freckled face but uh you know enough already okay anyways he made an appearance at Governor's Comedy Club where I perform at least twice a year uh in Levittown Long Island if you live in the area go there even if you don't it's a great club uh and uh you've heard me mention this guy before James he's the big Italian guy that runs the fucking joint and uh he's the one his son came up to him they own a bunch of clubs in long island i was at the brokerage one of his clubs and his son said dad there's a bunch of this is a bird's nest up in the awning and he looked at him saying get the bleach and he wasn't even trying to be funny he's got a fucking five

thousand dollar italian suit on and big gold rings. And absolutely. Anyways, James Dolce, which I believe is Dolce is Italian for sweet or dessert. I'm not shitting you. Anyways, owner of Governor's Comedy Club, James said CK was a genius that he was honored to have him at his club. This was on December 16th, by the way. And he said he was honored to have him because he thinks he's a freaking genius. You are correct, sir. Louis C.K. had come under fire for jokes he made at a recent secret show about survivors of school shootings.

And now the owner of the Levittown Club where he was performing. Again, this is on December 16th. Came to his defense early this month. C.K. performed at Governor's. And a couple minutes of his audio had been leaked out online by some jerk off recording it. The comedian is now facing harsh. Don't do that, by the way. All right?

And I've had it happen there. I caught a guy at the brokerage with his fucking phone. And I came down into the audience and yanked it out of his hand. He had his head down. And sure enough, the record button was on. And I said, delete it right in front of me if you're a fan of mine which he did here's why guy it's not about being caught saying outrageous shit who gives a fuck fuck all the lib pussies and the fucking politically correct jerk offs it's about you're working on new material and some asshole records it they tell you not to before the show

and then you put it online. What happens is everybody sees, especially a guy at Louie's level, millions of people are going to see it, and it burns the material. You're trying to put an hour together, a new hour. Now it's fucking burnt. So if you're a comedy fan, you wouldn't do that. If you went out to see one of your favorite comics, you shouldn't do it. But we'll talk about it anyways since it's out there it's all over youtube and everywhere else um

anyways uh the comedian now facing harsh criticism for jokes about about non-binary individuals even in the article they can't be fucking how about very confused individuals ryan are you with me ryan's not even confused he goes look i like both that's that's fine you don't ask me to call you fucking ms i call you ms on my own uh but he's making fun of uh non-binary individuals and school shooting survivors uh you can listen to the full uh two minutes uh right in the article it says but we warn you there's a lot of cursing in the clip what am i what are we living in the pilgrim times put him in the stockade because he said twat

honest to god what a general and i'm not blaming just millennials there's people my age who have bought into this shit anybody who votes, you've bought into it. You're fascist fucks. I'll say it again. And no, I'm not Michael Jordan going, I'm not going to get into politics because both Republicans and Democrats buy sneakers. That was his big quote. And I go, yeah, the Democrats who buy your sneakers end up getting shot for the sneakers by other Democrats. Stick that in your pipe, Mike.

sneakers by other Democrats. Stick that in your pipe, Mike. Anyways, here's some audio leaked from governors, you know, Louis making his comeback and everybody's got their panties in a filthy bunch. But I'm a little disappointed in the younger generation, honestly. No picture? Because I'm 51 years old. And when I was like 18 to my 20s, I mean we were idiots

We are getting high doing fucking mushrooms and shit And then older people were like you gotta get your shit together and we're like, yeah, fuck you And I was kind of excited to be in my 50s and see people in their 20s and be like they're crazy These kids are nuts, but they're not. They're fucking, they're just boring. Fucking telling them, you shouldn't say that. What the, what are you, an old lady? What the fuck are you doing? That's not appropriate. Fuck you, you're a child.

Why are you finger fucking each other and doing jello shots? Oh, gross. Why are you, why? You should address me. They're like royalty. They tell you what to call them. Fuck them. You should address me as

they-them. Because I identify as gender neutral. Oh, okay. Okay. You should address me as there because I identify as a location and the location is your mother's cunt doesn't have to be that nasty but it can be i don't know they testify in front of congress these kids what the fuck

what are you doing you're young you should be crazy you should be unhinged not in a suit saying i'm here to tell fuck you you're not interesting because you went to a high school where kids got shots. Why does that mean I have to listen to you? How does that make you interesting? You didn't get shot. You pushed some fat kid in the way. Now I have to listen to you talking? You know what that's called? Great comedy.

Sorry. Sorry. But he's right on the bigger point. Who the fuck are these kids? sorry, he's coming back. And what we, we supposed to lose.

And a lot of other people said this. I'm not the first, but we supposed to lose one of the, seriously, one of the best comics ever, in my opinion, not to say that because I'm a friend of his. IQ through the roof. He's a great dad.

He's raising two daughters on his own. We're supposed to lose him in the comedy world because he showed his dick to a couple of broads who were actually going, how can this help my career? You know, it's unbelievable. You know, comics used to attack the people who wanted to shut down Free Speed.

That's what they're doing now. They have pitchforks out for guys like Louie. Can I just say at this point, plug myself, I've been on the right side of the fight since I got into comedy. Okay, and I haven't changed. And if Hollywood was one-eighth conservative as it is liberal liberal i'd be bigger

than fucking louis and chris ruff but no i was one of the first deplorables ever i'm glad to see louis coming around and that doesn't mean he's not he'll take both sides but it of course it raised a shit storm on twitter what does it you could make a statement about a spatula and you'll get fucking 4,000 comments. This guy, Fred Gutenberg, father of one of the high school students killed in the Parkland, Florida shooting last February, wrote on Twitter, to anyone who knows Louis C.K.,

that would be me, please deliver this message for me. My daughter was killed in the Parkland shooting. My son ran from the bullets. My wife and I deal with loss every day. Why don't you come to my house and try out your new pathetic jokes and uh i'm just gonna tell you fred i know what louie gets that would be a lot of goddamn money um you could be put into you know anti-fucking gun violence and rallies no we mr gutenberg obviously, and I guarantee you, Louie,

obviously feel for your loss, okay? But what does that mean? Nobody's supposed to fucking talk about it now? Or if they do, only in humorless terms? This is how comics deal with it. Is it tasteless? Yeah, to you and to a lot of people. That's comedy. What's tasteless yeah to you and to a lot of people um that's comedy what's tasteless to you

is fucking hilarious to a lot of the world it's all i find funny anymore to be frank with you look i get tweeted i got tweeted i get i get i get tweeted for a i get fired from serious radio for a tweet about shootings on call on campuses and um i got in trouble for something else what was the other fucking had to do with there were two firing gun things anyways but but the point is mr gilbert yes and i guarantee you louis he has daughters but but they i mean jesus christ this is how we deal with this shit you know and uh and i understand this guy saying that i understand but some of the criticism coming from shows showbiz types supposedly is what makes me sick to my fucking stomach uh james the owner of the governor said i did hear that a couple people are

perturbed by some of uh the things that louis said my response to that is it's comedy. You know who you were coming to see. You bought tickets to see him. I have no regrets at all he added. He's a legend, icon, the comedy biz. To have a legend play in my club is an honor. And, you know, if guys like James could have taken the other out and shut him down or know him at the comedy cellar, good. So you can come out and listen

to all the pete holmes in the world all the female comics not all some of them some of them are politically incorrect when they talk about their pussies but when it comes down to the hardcore shit and this is what comics should be talking about and i'll defend fucking louis to the end um because i know him personally and i'm not going to give him your message. Well, I will, but maybe I'll drive down to your house, Mr. Gouman. But I guarantee you that's not what he's making. Same thing after 9-11, after the attacks on the Twin Towers. I must have had 10 newspaper people go and radio people.

Do you think it's appropriate to make fun of the 9-11 attack? Well, there's 19 different aspects to the 9-11 attack. You're not making fun of the people who had to jump off the fucking 58th floor. You're making fun of the scumbags who were in the plane and what they believe and how they were fucking raised. We're supposed to stay away from the subject completely? And he's talking, Louie's talking about David Hogg that irritating puke and a lot of his fucking friends

who are going in front of Congress we're starting to listen to high school kids there's plenty of room for comedy there but I also understand Mr. Gotenberg if anybody on the planet might be hurt by that but it's mostly fat fucking ugly broads

and white liberal guys who, again, they're morally superior, sanctimonious assholes like Judd Apatow. You know, oh, just how could he do that? People in the fucking business. Right after Louis' stuff leaked online, student survivors responded quickly. Fuck Louis C.K. and all the politicians

that sound and act just like him, tweeted Matt Deitch. I'm sure his friends call him Matt Deutch. 17 people died at my high school. Nobody's making fun of that. My friend's brother watched his friends die in front of him. Added Jeremy Wine, perfect name of him. Added Jeremy Wine. Perfect name for him.

Fuck you, Lewis. Good argument. Seriously, if you're a club in New York City still welcoming this POS into your room, fuck you too. So again, we can only joke about what these kids find. Cameron Kasky, a Parkland survivor and co-founder of the March for Our Lives movement, told the Post he used to like some of CK's comedy, but this isn't the voice of intelligent and edgy Lewis. He said, this is a very angry individual.

That's right. He's a human being with real emotions. Do you understand that? Those are the best comics. Sorry this hit too close to home. But again, I bet you he did other shit in his act, going after whatever, made a homeless joke or whatever, and you were fine with that.

So when the homeless advocates come after us, we have to shut up. When you come after us, we have to shut up. Then there's no more comedy. What you should say is, you know, that hit too close to home. Personally, it bothered me, and I don't like it. But that would take reasoning and logic. And that's what good comics do. Fucking sorry.

And again, I understand it coming from these kids a little bit. But that joke came from what I believe was a pretty nasty place, Caskey said, Cameron Caskey. I say that I cannot police comedy because plenty of provocative humor can be great. That being said, I find Lewis' new joke to be very mean-spirited and wrong. And again, the day we start going to high school age or college age girls to tell us what's funny and what's not is the day I hang myself in my balls like Anthony Bourdain at the Motel 6

with a Rachel Ray fucking show on the TV. But here's the shit that infuriated me. Other comedians also blasted CK for the comments. This is, quote, this is hacky, unfunny, shallow routine. It's just a symptom of how people are afraid to feel empathy. Actor and director and half a girl, Judd Apatow, tweeted, it's much easier to laugh at our most vulnerable than to look at their pain directly and show them love and concern.

Boy, that would be a funny show, wouldn't it? If you came out to see me and all I did was show love and concern. Huh? Wouldn't that be hilarious? What a fucking pompous, mediocre fucking hack. Louis C.K. is all fear and bitterness now. He can't look inward, Judd Apatow said.

Wow. Thank you, Dr. Phillips. Here's all I have to say about Judd Apatow. Okay, this is him throwing out the first pitch at a Mets game. That's right, Schmuck. Be embarrassed. Be fucking embarrassed. He's a fag. Show that again, please.

This is who you guys, this is your edgy director. Look, look at it. When people say to me, Nick, throw like a girl on purpose. That's it. When a guy pretends to throw like a girl, that is, he's a fucking girl.

Okay? And I know him. I did the Young Comedian special in 1992 with him on HBO. And something about Long Island and liberals, the ones that come from New York, who are just fascist, living in a bubble, fucking makes me sick to my stomach. I am actually angry at this fucking guy.

Nice fucking throw. Comic Andy Richter, another closeted fruit. You know what's the worst, most boring kind of comedy? The kind where older white men are angry that older white men can't do or say whatever the fuck they want anymore, said the pudgy guy who sucked Conan O'Brien's dick for a career.

Get over you fucking, you were bullied, Andy. Get over it. That's actually the best kind of comedy right now. You'd rather have groupthink and censorship. That's what you're for. Think about it. And you call yourself an artist or have anything to do

with show business or the arts? You're for groupthink and shutting down free speech. Fuck you. Have another cruller shaped like Conan's freckled dick. Fucking believable. These are

people in the business. Oh, my aching stem. I'll tell you, ladies and gentlemen, people in the business. Oh, my aching stem. I'll tell you, ladies and gentlemen, let's go to Joe in Long Island who wants to put his two cents in on the CK situation. What up, Joe? Happy New Year, you dirty cocksucker.

Oh, easy, fella. That type of language doesn't fly on this show. Ah, yeah, and I know. I talk that way to my mother, too. I get it. Me, yeah, and I know. I talk that way to my mother, too. I get it. Me, too. Go ahead. Listen, Louis C.K., that fucking thing went down in my hometown. There's nothing that upsets me more than fucking

Levittown people turning on Louis C.K., fucking taping his goddamn set without his permission. What a fucking bunch of cocksuckers. And pretend I'm Larry King. Cocksucker online too. Hello. Uh, yeah, no, look, uh, the, the guy who recorded that still, we don't know.

He might be a huge CK fan. He's just stupid. Or, or he did that on purpose. We don't know, but Levittown don't shit on Levittown because they like it. Rough shot. Louie got a great warm welcome when he was introduced. I play there a couple times a year and they love the politically incorrect shit as you know, Joe. So

we don't know. Hey, who knows? That could have been a broad from New Jersey that night or a guy. I don't know. But yes, I agree with the recording part and leaking it and now that guy's part of the story, or that woman, so that makes him feel famous too. But as far as Levittown, I play governors a lot,

and it turned into a great club. It was really horrible in the 90s. These guys did a great job with it, and the people like it. Go ahead, Joe. Yeah, they're good eggs, man. I grew up there. You know, it's fitty-fitty, queer to normal. You know what I mean?

But at the end of the day, my deal with this is that I heard the set. It's 45, 50 minutes. The joke about Parkland, there's nothing crazy about it. It just wasn't quite as funny as the rest of the set. And I think that might be half the problem with this. You know what I mean? No. It's like it wasn't quite the best.

Well, hold on, Joe. This is what you have to understand as a comedy fan. It's a performance. It's supposed to be uneven. Not every joke's going to be an A+. To me, that was an A+. I love what he said because I've been saying it in my head for a while now, why these kids think they're important, and we put them up on a pedestal.

But no, he went after something that, you know, and look, he's still building a new hour. That's the other thing you have to remember. That joke is maybe half formed. You got to keep that mind. There's so much that goes into doing standup that people don't understand, you know, but no, I have no problem with how funny that was.

And, but you were right for somebody to record it and leak it was real fucking dog shit. Joey, thank you, buddy. I appreciate the call. You know, let's go to Jeremy in New York. Jeremy, what's going on? Happy New Year. Happy New Year, Nick. How you doing, man?

Pretty good. Good. I just want to say those fucking assholes in Hollywood. Louie is more liberal than you and i but they fucking turn on him as soon as he fucking bites back they fucking try to take him down again it's fucked up well you got a good point you know what should tell you something you know that the liberals are mad at him people on the right were mad at him which tells you i've known him i know him better than all you guys i started with him in boston he was my roommate and um he he is liberal and but you

make a great point soon as he punches back a little bit um and he's not it's not like he's out there going fuck these anti-gun people that's not what he's saying he's making fun of the pomposity of these kids and how we put these kids on a pedestal, which is a great fucking point. He's not the first guy to think of it, I'm sure. But yeah, no, you're right. The left will turn on you in a heartbeat. And that's good when they stop.

They look fucking drama. Yeah. Louie, Louie's an old school liberal. You saw, I mean, you saw, I was on his show a lot on the Louie show, and he would let me say my conservative piece. Yeah, that fight was hilarious. Anyway, thank you, Jeremy. Good call, buddy.

You know, he would let me get my point out, my point of view. He would write it and let me approve it. So, and I'm not just saying this because I know him personally and stuff. I'm just saying this because i know him personally and stuff i'm just saying and and again the whole hashtag me too uh you know i didn't agree with any of that shit but um tough shit if your feelings were hurt you know what am i supposed to i knew somebody my sister donna's best friend was the first person killed in the 9-11 attacks she was a flight attendant on one of

the uh united flights or whatever it was american um and she was like the first she was stabbed to death uh i three three days later uh we're at the comedy cell three days after 9-11 making jokes and doing a show in front of 10 people i mean that's what art is folks so if you don't like that type of shit go see crystal delia a fucking you know whoever jared in texas wants to comment on the ck jared happy new year welcome to the show happy new year nick how you doing good thank you show. Happy New Year, Nick. How are you doing? Good, thank you.

Yeah, I listened to the whole set last night. I thought it was hilarious. I've listened to Louie since he was on ONA, since you were on ONA, and he's been the same guy. You've been the same guy. I just don't get it. There you go. You know what? It's a great point, Jared. Manny Dwarman, the guy that owned the comedy

cellar, he actually said this. And I think Louie told me. He said it to Louie. He said, back in the 60s, they called me a liberal. This is a 72-year-old Jewish guy. He said they called me a liberal. This was a couple years ago before he died. He said, I have the same politics now, and they call me a conservative.

It's the fucking world that changes. It's not the, and you're right. Louis has been consistent. He's always, he's always been, he's always been a little people like, yeah, but, but his brilliance comes out and he doesn't rely on being dirty or shocking. And that's the difference. It's so muddled. People don't understand, uh, but understand. But you make a good point.

Patrice O'Neill was consistent in his point of view. And those are the comics you should welcome. Those are the comics you should welcome with open arms, not the ones that backpedal and, you know, they're like, oh, I got a movie career now. I better agree with the liberal point of view. So I think you make a good point, Jared. Yeah. And I just want to say this last thing real quick you know that's what that's what i don't understand about you know why people are crucifying them the way that they are i mean sure he did some bad stuff but based on what's come out

recently in hollywood it certainly wasn't nearly as bad as a lot of that stuff and that weird ass kevin spacey video i mean all of it right it's, dude. It's just, I don't get it. I just don't get it. But hey, are you coming to Austin anytime soon? Austin's too fucking liberal. Move. Okay. All right, man.

You know, it's a great town. I love Austin. I've got drunk there. I used to play at clubs here all the time. But you know what? Go see me in Dallas where I got a partial standing ovation. I had never been to Dallas before. uh so uh but i'll be there texas is a great state for comedy so hopefully i'll see you thank you jared for the call and i appreciate it uh boosty in new york wants us to weigh in on the ck thing boosty happy new year to you, fella Hey, Nick, happy new year to you, too

The thing is Is that person that was recording that Do you think Louie knew that That was being recorded? No, no You're getting really cynical Because it kind of seems

Go ahead I kind of think that Louie is trying to get back in Now with the with the right-wing people because the left uh definitely screwed him over in my opinion uh all those elites in hollywood like amy schumer howard stern um and i'm being honest because once he became famous he stopped going on ona so my feeling is is that you know he we already know that he's a liberal but um maybe he's trying to get in with the right-wing people now the people that are pro trump that are conservative uh trying to you know get it back into the business because the guy lost

a lot of money they say he's lost like 30 million dollars since that time uh when that stuff came out about him jerking off in front of the girl. Right. Look, I see why. Thanks for the call, Boosie. I'll answer. I mean, I see why you might think that. But like I said, I know him better than you guys do.

That's not money was never important to fucking Louie. He just happened. That was a byproduct of his genius. Every once in a while, the business makes a mistake and actually discovers somebody who is worth that type of money. But no, he's not that calculated. And you say he wants to get back on the conservative side.

Okay, how are you going to make money there? It's what I've been doing for a fucking 30 years. What's he going to go on CRTV and make fucking, make FX money you know what I mean no

I understand why you might think that and that theory's out there but I know the guy and what he said you know about this Parkland thing and you know you could be on the left side and understand why these kids so pompous.

And and so I really don't think that he's just doing what he thinks is funny. And if that's the byproduct, he becomes the king of the right. I'll be furious because I've been fucking chasing this balloon for fucking 30. Anyhow, we've got a lot of people that, uh, want to weigh in on this and, uh, I have a bunch of stories, but I'd rather talk about this because, uh, I have some credibility in the, uh, discussion cause I know him so well. Cody, uh, welcome to the show. Happy new year, pal.

Hey Nick, happy new year. How you doing? Pretty good. So, um, yeah, it's a crazy world we live in. Politicians trying to censor political talk, artists trying to censor art. Unbelievable, right Cody? Isn't that nuts?

And I listened to that whole 49 minutes of it, and it was just 49 minutes of straight killing. I mean, I think every joke he said hit. Yeah. Including that one. I of it and it was just 49 minutes of straight killing i mean i think every joke he said hit yeah um including that one i thought it hit yeah um yeah it's just crazy judd apatow would say shit like that i mean it's not that crazy he's the guy who said uh felt like i raped him when i voted for trump yeah yeah well judd apatow you know judd apatow he's the uh you know he's the he has the he's the end all as as far as what's moral and what's in good taste. And it's just the pomposity and the arrogance and the sanctimonious fucking left, leftist jerk offs.

And, and Judd was a horrible standup comic. His movies stink. I just showed a clip of him throwing out the first pitch. All his movies are based on emasculating white males and, you know, fucking 40-year-old Virg. All that horse shit. People buy it because it's trendy and it makes the white guy look like an asshole. And he puts out garbage.

But unfortunately, we live in a country where a lot of people fucking embrace that garbage. That's crazy. It is nuts. Yep. Thank you, Cody. Appreciate the call pal let's go to uh jake bender in uh layton utah he's a bombing and shootings where jake's called the show before and uh jake happy new year welcome to the show man and congratulations you got mitt romney

as your junior senator what do you think of that first address that oh man with his fucking gun physicians in connecticut they can fucking keep him it was connecticut right uh i don't know what he said in connecticut but somewhere on the east coast yeah, he invented Obamacare. You know, all those places are the same. Jake, he invented Obamacare before, you know, but go ahead. Oh, damn, if he had said that

during the election, maybe he would have beaten Obama. Yeah, probably. Hey, I just want to point out one thing. Yeah. None of this shit

would be happening if they would confine these shootings to where they belong. The goddamn post office. When was the last time we had a goddamn post office shooting? Well, I sort of made that joke. Only I said it should be confined to. I said it should be. It's what got me fired from Sirius Radio. I said the shooting should be confined. I better get off the phone. They should be confined to the faculty room at Berkeley and at San Jose State. You know what I mean, Jake?

Much better joke than yours, but go ahead. Jeez. No, the other thing, damn it, sorry, I had a brain injury. Oh, injury oh yeah look i've been in a bombing in kirk cook where over a hundred people died i was picking up pieces of friends i was picking up pieces of strangers i was picking up pieces of the asshole that wore the bomb that blew the dining facility up wow you remember you said you've been to afghanistan You remember how they always gave you plastic silverware? Yes. Yes, they did. That day was the reason we stopped using metal flatware, because the fucker with the bomb on stood right next to all the forks, knives, and spoons and hit it. Is that right?

Yeah. No kidding. It's 2004 Kirkuk. It was like my third day in country, I think. And it was... I didn't know that. I don't think any of us slept for like two days because there were...

So many doctors were wounded. The medics were doing doctor work. We were doing medic work. It was... But you know what? I still joke about it. And you know why? Because that's the only way I can fucking deal with it.

Eight fucking men, Jake. For what? Some people... But the thing is, they won't deal with it. No. These people going on TV, they haven't dealt. No, they haven't. That's the thing.

They've never felt any real pain in their lives. It's the reason comics become comics, the good ones. I fucking... I think I realized in sixth grade yeah what an awful place yeah absolutely jake thank you buddy listen to his stories they're all about shitty things that happen yes yeah and he took his own life jake thanks buddy and thanks for your service he's a regular caller on the show okay he sees something like that my dad's dying of Alzheimer's.

Am I supposed to yell at comics who do Alzheimer's jokes now and shit? Am I supposed to get upset? You can't fucking think that way. If you're that myopic, don't go to a comedy club. Don't even watch anything. Christ, that goes for you, Judd.

Eh, eh, eh, eh. I'm gonna throw it. I, I, I, eh. That goes for you, Judd. I'm going to throw it. He's a fan. No, he's not. He's got a beautiful wife. I'm just saying. I'm telling you, Andy Richter, Judd Apatow, all the people that are getting all over Louis, it all goes back to them being bullied as a kid, never got the fuck over it, which surprises me because most of these pussies, they go

to fucking shrinks. They're a big believer in the talking cure, yet they'll never get over that they get fucking hit in the face with a dodgeball. Honest to God, that goes for Shepard Smith on Fox News Channel. Ugh. I'm so tired of living in this world am I right?

and I keep bringing this point up and I have for 20 years again, always a little ahead of the curve but nobody's paying attention the more feminized the society's become, the more PC, right? Political correctness is based in sensitivity. And I'll say it again.

Yes, there's a lot of PC guys now, but I'm talking in its first inception. Fucking Oprah started it with her 30 years of fucking horse shit and my uncle molested me and bah, bah, bah. And then fucking Donnie you. That man with a clit. Made Oprah look like a right winger.

That type of shit did so much damage. And the right has never come up with an answer for it. The world is a tough place. As Dennis Miller said, put on a cup. And a fucking helmet. Anyway, let me take one more call on Louie, and then I got to move on, folks. All right?

You all right with that? Let me have a sip of my A&W Diet Root Beer. My New Year's resolution was to quit smoking. What I did yesterday when I got up, I had four cigarettes before I got to my morning coffee. I'm telling you, I've never been more weak mentally in my life. I used to be a leader. I'm sitting on my front steps, smoking a cigarette,

wearing my Arsenio Hall bathrobe that I got when I did a show. That's a true story. I can't take it no more. Let's take one more on Isaac in Minneapolis, who's been on the line for a while. Isaac, happy New Year. Welcome to the show. Hey, how's it going?

Hey, I just think it's interesting that... Yeah, people are treating this as though louis stepped up to a podium to make an official announcement it's like people don't realize how small of a club the seller is he did this in front of 70 people and it was all it was all comedy well no forget that oh hold on this wasn't the seller what we're talking about today is governor's Comedy. Oh, it wasn't? Okay.

No, Governor's Comedy Club in Long Island, which holds about $250. I mean, Louie plays Madison Square Garden. All right, but still. Yeah, no, everything's relevant. You're right. Right. Yeah, and you're right. You're absolutely right.

They treat comedy, and I've said this. I say it when I'm on stage, and I'll say something off color and the crowd will moan. I go, hey, you're not watching the fucking NBC nightly news. Take a look around. There's pictures of fucking Richard Pryor and Bill Cosby on the wall, you dumb fucks. You know? No, you're absolutely right, Isaac. You make a great point.

Go ahead. I know this is a little off topic, but I'm originally from Tulsa. And if my memory serves me correctly, I think I saw you do a set one time. I think it was the day that John John's plane went down. Yes. Do you remember? You are correct. And the first thing you said when you got on stage was, did one of the Kennedys fuck a leprechaun?

Piss off a leprechaun. That's what it was. Yeah. I actually said something. fuck a leprechaun. Kiss off a leprechaun. That's what it was. Yeah, it was... I actually said something. If you get in a plane with a Kennedy on a foggy night, he's had his pilot's license

for a year. I go, you're just asking to fucking die. It's suicide by Kennedy. I go, I mean, these fuckers die every week.

I go, I think they lost one of them in a pillow fight in 1968. I mean, these fuckers die every week. I think they lost one of them in a pillow fight in 1968. I just remember it was a magical moment. Yeah. Nice work.

All right, Isaac. Thanks, buddy. Happy New Year to you. I was at the, it was Tulsa Comedy Club. It was right across the street from Bob, what is it? It was a real religious school. Bob, oh, for Christ's sake. It's a real, Brigham. Oh, for Christ's sake. It's a real... Brigham Young?

Not Brigham Young. That's in Utah. But it... Fuck, somebody will know. But anyways, in front of the school, there's a statue of praying hands, like 40 feet high. And I was on the radio during morning radio

to plug my gig that weekend. And I mentioned the statue of the praying hands. I said, they ought to put a dick in one of those hands to let tourists know what they're going to be doing in Tulsa. But the fuck. I go back to the hotel and there's a message from the club owner going, look, man.

But he wasn't mad. He goes, but the phones are lighting up for the next hour and a half. And I got heckled that night by a husband and wife and i i thought it was a husband and wife the guy was yelling shit out and the wife was yelling shit out and i said something like when you go go i said get the fuck out of here go fuck your wife and he goes it's not my wife it's my sister i go it's tulsa what's the difference i didn't even he got out of his chair so quick and the wife went around this way he went around around this way. The doorman tackled the husband. He would have killed me.

He was a strapping, you know, fucking Tulsa guy. I go, it's Tulsa. What's the difference? I didn't even say finish the word difference. He was on the way to the stage. I'm like, nah. Is it Bob Jones University? Yeah.

Bob Jones. Evangelical University? Yeah. It's conservative, cultural, and religious positions. Yes. And I said that and lit up the phones with a very funny line that scared the shit out of the radio station and everybody in the town. But I remember selling tickets the next day. Anyway, let's move on.

Let's move on. Shall we, folks? Angry Republican National Committee member launches a GOP civil war with the anti-Romney letter. This is interesting. Flipping Mitt Romney is back in the fight. He just became the junior senator out there in Utah. A member of the Republican National Committee claimed Tuesday night in a letter to the other 167 committee members that Mitt Romney's anti-op ed published hours earlier was an act of

calculated political treachery against the president. Javon O.A. Williams, a black fella, the RNC member who represents the U.S. Virgin Islands, wrote that Romney could use loopholes in the nominating process to openly challenge the president's renomination in 2020. He said with Republicans like him, who needs democrats and uh he made a fucking great point in his op-ed romney this was in the washington post we have uh i'll find it for you mitt romney uh in the washington post okay that's not mitt romney that's his butler but uh what kill her good i don't can we blow that up i I'll read it anyways. But this is his op ed. I'll rip through it. OK. In the Washington. The Trump presidency made a deep dissent in December. The departures of Defense Secretary Jim Mattis and White House Chief of Staff John Kelly. The appointment of senior persons of lesser experience. The abandonment of allies who fight beside us. And the president's thoughtless claims thatica has long been a sucker in world affairs all defined his presidency down i disagree a thousand percent mitt and i was a romney fan for a while till he ran for president and i saw and i'm gonna play a clip for you how

fucking two-faced this guy can be it is well known he says that donald trump was not my choice for republican presidential nomination after he became the, I hoped his campaign would refrain from resentment and name-calling. It did not. When he won the election, I hoped he would rise to the occasion. His early appointments of Tillerson, Sessions, Haley, Gary Cohn, McMaster, Kelly, and Mattis were encouraging.

But on balance, his conduct over the past two years, particularly his actions this month, is evidence that the president has not risen to the mantle of office. Hey, get over yourself. You couldn't even win it, number one. Number two, quit putting so much weight

in the fucking Oval Office. This is a government for, by, and of the people. He's just one of us. Quit acting like he's a king. And that goes for anybody who sits in that chair. He says, it is not that all the president's policies have been misguided.

He was right to align U.S. corporate taxes with those of global competitors, to strip out excessive regulations, to crack down on China's unfair trade practices, to reform criminal justice,

and to appoint conservative judges. Yeah, that's a lot of shit he did right, Mitt. But you don't like him, why? Because he tweets and he's politically incorrect? Grow a dick, you big girl.

These are policies mainstream Republicans have promoted for years, he says, but policies and appointments are only blah blah, part of a presidency. Now, that's Romney. Guy's a brilliant guy. I don't give a shit what you say. And, you know, I like conservatives from Utah, but he's not.

This guy, he's a carpetbagger. He was a governor of Boston for a while. He invented Obamacare before Obamacare. But he's known for his flip-flopping on issues, if you remember. I didn't realize until he ran for president how many things he flip-flopped on. And here's a little reminder, a montage of flip. I will preserve and protect a woman's right to choose. The right next step in the fight to preserve the sanctity of life is to see Roe v. Wade overturned.

He was pro-choice, then he's pro-life. Or he flip-flops again, just like he did on abortion, just like he did on Ronald Reagan. Look, I was an independent during the time of Reagan Bush. I'm not going to return to Reagan-Bush. The principles that Ronald Reagan espoused are as true today as they were when he spoke them. There you go again. You remember Mitt Romney?

He invented Obamacare before he was against it. You remember? Well, that's what we did in Massachusetts, and that is we put together an exchange, and the president's copying that idea. I'm glad to hear that. Obamacare is bad news, and if I'm president of the United States, I will repeal it. I don't think I've ever hired an illegal in my life.

We hired a lawn company to mow our lawn, and they had illegal immigrants that were working there. Flip-flop Mitt. But I believe the world is getting warmer. I believe the humans contribute to that. My view is that we don't know what's causing climate change on this planet. Mitt Romney's reputation as a flip-flopper who changed his position because of political expedience. If Republicans didn't like Mitt Romney's position on the so-called union-busting proposal in Ohio, all they had to do was wait one day before he changed it.

I'm not speaking about the particular ballot issues. But by today, Romney had a different answer. I fully support Governor Kasich's, I think it's called Question 2 in Ohio. He's changed his position on a number of issues. Republican Mitt Romney says he will not sign a no new taxes pledge. I'm proud to be the only major candidate for president to sign the tax pledge. Your view has changed so dramatically. I just signed a piece of legislation extending the ban on certain assault weapons.

I do not support any new legislation of an assault weapon ban nature. Well, well, well, flipping mitt, huh? You're lying. And you're a piece of shit. I mean, he's a smart guy. He's a family guy. And I guess we deserve. Because he knows, and all politicians know,

people are really dumb. The average fuckface doesn't have time to pay attention. He could say one thing, change two minutes later, but you didn't hear him two minutes later change because you flipped American Idol that night or whatever the fuck. I don't know. No doubt he's a smart guy and stuff. But once Trump came along, I'm sorry, man.

I'll take a fucking Trump guy. Who didn't bolt. You remember Mitt Romney running for president? Maybe he goes to Iowa. He was on a hunting jacket. Dressed like Jethro from the fucking Beverly Hillbillies. And you remember trump never did that everywhere trump won he was wearing his business suit whether he went to fucking visit

the troops or um he is who he is i think that's a minimum of what we should ask for our politicians not trump's a i mean uh romney's a fucking brilliant guy. He started Staples and had a big deal to do with that. And I remember he was running some hedge fund that he owned or whatever. And somebody that worked for his daughter got kidnapped. He shut down the building and used it as a headquarters to find the girl and save the Olympics. But I'm sorry, man. Talking on both sides of your face. Enough is a goddamn enough.

Of course, Trump didn't let that go. Trump being Trump. He says, here we go with Mitt Romney, but so fast? Question will be, is he a flake? That was a plan where it was a Jeff Flake who hated Trump. I hope not.

Would much prefer that Mitt focus on border security and so many other things where he can be helpful. I won big and he didn't. He should be happy. Remember all the shit, but you remember Romney? I should have pulled that clip when Trump was running. Romney came out and said he's a liar. He's a blah, blah, blah, blah.

I mean, brutalized Trump. So he said he should be happy for all Republicans, be a team player and win. But that's not what happens, Mr. Trump, in politics. You're the only one. God bless you. He tweeted on Tuesday. Oh, this is the guy defending Trump at the beginning of the article, the black guy from the Caribbean. He tweeted on tuesday uh you know what was the guy's name javon um that unnamed black media voices promote the liberal agenda which is in total conflict with the black agenda so this guy's you know he's a big player in the rnc and he's trying to convince

and he's also an immigrant a combat veteran a black american a millennial and as a member of the rnc i wholeheartedly support endorsed trump for renomination he says unfortunately loopholes in the rules governing the 2020 renomination campaign i looked him up it was too confusing to get into on this show are enabling these so-called republicans to flirt with the possibility of contested primaries and caucuses and uh i also ask whenever, the guy, the incumbent never wins. That's him. That's Giovanni Williams. What's his name?

Giovanni Williams? All right. I thought that was, really, I thought that was a running back for the Broncos. I'm serious. I'm not being racist. I also ask for your support of a resolution declaring the RNC's unanimous and unequivocal endorsement of Trump for renomination. This resolution would also declare him the presumptive nominee in 2020, Javon O.A. Williams, National Committeeman, Virgin Islands. We need a break from the heavy shit, don't we? let's do a little palate cleanser you know what i like to watch i'm into mma stuff and you know i love college football it was a dream

uh weekend for me and uh but when i get bored with that i like to watch a you know pissed off little people people. That's Manny Pacquiao. Lost some weight. That's Larry Holmes. Oh, that's a straight right. Oh! One more, I'd do it. Up, kill him.

Up! Ryan, I'll ask you. Was that real? I think it was. Was it? Those knees looked real. Did the fucking dwarfs know how to protect themselves with their giant heads and chins?

Looks like he'd fuck me up. He'd fuck your kneecaps and ankles up but i mean holy shit if i was that guy i would have punted the kid into the audience i would have lined him up like a 45 yard field goal put him into the balcony i mean he was only like six inches taller i know that's a long but that's a but he kept bleeding with his chin. It's like watching Rocky I when Rocky would come in to creed. In this corner, weighing two grams, fighting out of a shoebox. Tom McCann! That shit makes me laugh.

As Jerry Stiller's character said once in King of Queens when I see a small person it's all I can talk about for days what a rotten life Jesus I would rather be Stephen Hawking

than that I would I think you know than being the size of a football yeah what the fuck you get stepped on at the size of a football? Yeah. What the fuck?

You get stepped on at the airport. People think you're a floor mat. It's fucking horrible. People try to put you in their luggage. Exactly. Carry-on dog. If anybody at the airport asks you to put a little person in your luggage, please. Love that announcement. If anybody asks you to fucking to fucking yeah some guy with his emotional

support camel asked me to fucking hold his dynamite belt i was watching that uh can we play that dwarf shit without the without the uh audio it just reminded me of a fucking mosquito bugging somebody. Some type of shit. How about... Give me a can of Raid. I'll knock this motherfucker out. Slapped him. slapped him look at this guy he bench presses 450 this poor prick is gone look at this A friend of mine wrestled a dwarf in high school. Seriously? Yeah, it was a legitimate high school wrestling match,

and he was winning, and then the guy just fell on on him he was so dense he couldn't get him off no he didn't lose to a dwarf a grown-sized guy yep he was pretty tall too for his weight you're kidding right he couldn't get a dwarf on him off him no he was he was winning and then once he just he fell on top of him and he was like he's way too dense i can't move him way too dense what's he made of plutonium he's a fucking midget well it's the same weight class but like smaller

it's like a giant he weighed the same as a grown guy this fucking yeah they're wrestling at like 130 what are their bones titanium and shit

listen if ever you're right fighting a midget or a dwarf and he's on top of you you know how you get him off just like you burn a tick off your dog's balls with a lit cigarette. What's the

matter with you people? I love his arms. The gloves were the size of his whole arm. When you say that, it scares me. Anyways. Those biceps. He's down. He is down. this type of savagery deserves no commentary this is the last boxing match i will ever do hey you know who's in the fucking uh you know who's in the news elizabeth You guys are going to see her at her best. What a piece of cheese this fucking asswipe is. You guys are going to see her at her best. What a piece of cheese this fucking asswipe is. From my home state of Massachusetts. You ought to be embarrassed. Senator Elizabeth Warren, Democrat from the Cherokee tribe. Cherokee people.

Cherokee tribe. So glad to live, so glad to lie, you titless wonder. Elizabeth Warren on Monday took a page from the political playbook, oh, good idea, of rising political star Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, live streaming to supporters in her kitchen hours after launching a 2020 presidential exploratory committee. Why don't you explore your fucking genetics again? Turns out you're one 1,000th Indian and 98% Frankenstein and fucking cocker spaniel, you

pig-faced cheeser. Nick, relax. I can't. I'm having a good time. Pig face, jeez. Nick, relax. I can't. I'm having a good time.

Warren took the first major step towards launching a widely anticipated campaign for the presidency, hoping her reputation as a populist fighter. How the fuck is... Bill O'Reilly was a populist. How the fuck is Elizabeth Warren's politics aligned with a Bill O'Reilly... What?

How is she a populist? You're a left-wing liberal asswipe who lives in a fantasy world. You bang your head on every entry of every door you walk into because you're fucking grossly tall and ugly. Nick, why do you got to go there with those ad hominem attacks? I don't know. I don't know. Why do you got to go there with those ad hominem attacks?

I don't know. Hoping her reputation as a populist can help her navigate a Democratic field that could include nearly two dozen douchebags, I mean candidates, addressing reporters outside her home as she was taking a shit behind a rosebush. Warren, following the move, affirmed that she is in this fight all the way, Warren following the move affirmed that she is in this fight all the way, just like a Blackfoot truck, and vowed to build a grassroots campaign to defeat President Trump. Let's take a look at, this is her trying to be a regular person at home and trying to connect with the regular, well, the guys are probably the people who like trying to beer drinking.

And this is her trying to be a real person. It's like watching the Tin Man on the Wizard of oz fuck go ahead hold on a sec i'm gonna get me um a beer get you a knife and stick it in your temple you big dink hey my husband bruce is now in. Let's see this macho guy. You want a beer? Look how she's opening it. You sure? Come over and say hello to the folks. So this is my sweetie.

Hello. And I'm crazy about that. I love you. I love you too. Thank you for being here. I'm glad you're here. Who have we got here so far? Skylar and 14 others.

Yeah, 14 other 12-year-old girls. Hi, how are how are you no guys fortnight good to see you good to see you god Kenny is that right Kenny boys yeah that's that creamy goddess Wow that's a name I'd like to have would you why don't you take Pocahontas? There you go. Suck on that like a fucking corn on a cob. Or as my mother always referred to me, the surprise. She's drunk now. Look, she's shit-faced. She's a Native American. She got drunk on a half a beer. We had to decide when to do this. I never thought I was going to run for office.

How about 2039, you fucking filet mignon? So who else have we got here? Darth? It's good to see you, Darth. I'm glad you're here. Oh. That's what gets me in this fight. That's what makes me excited.

So here's to 2019 and changing the world. Happy New Year. Bye-bye. Changing the world. You pompous. Bye-bye. Changing the world. You pompous... Okay. Shut it off before I shit blood. She almost breaks my...

She makes fucking Hillary look like RuPaul with that personality. It is... The more far left, the fucking more lack of charisma, of just humorless. That's her idea of being a regular person she took one sip of a beer that her focus drew picked out for her after a fucking

two-year study oh my god if i was native american i'd be furious too going, oh my God, she says she's related to us somehow. That's her being a regular person. Wasn't she charming and warm and couldn't you feel the charisma pouring off her? Oh, my ache and stem. Please be the nominee. You got her. Then you got Ocasio-Cortez, who's, you know, semi-retarded, actually. I could beat her in a debate.

Ryan, quit yawning, please. It's kind of insulting. I'm working like Springsteen. I'm not yawning. My mouth is open and gagging. Your mouth is open and you're gagging. All's we're missing is the dick to complete that sentence. I mean, what are you doing to me?

I'm trying to do the nose. This is so gross. Oh, come on. She's terrific. You stupid fucking blabbermouth cunt! Oh, that's her trying to build a grassroots campaign.

You should have had a can of fucking Bud Light. You should have had your gut sticking out, sitting on a ripped beanbag chair, farting. Then you could connect to the people.

Boy, wasn't her husband, wasn't he a ball of fire? No, I'll pass on a beer. I'll finish my cosmopolitan. Oh, God help us. What happened to my home state? You embarrass me. They're trying to say

she's trying to get past the DNA test. Too late for that, sorry. Remember when they did it? They said if her ancestors had been as much as 10 generations removed, that would make the individual a great, great, great, great, great grandparent. And Renda Warren, only one thousand twenty-fourth Native American, according to Blaine Bettinger, a genealogist and author who specializes. You know what it makes her?

A liar, liar, whore, liar, whore, and you know it. Look, she doesn't even know how to drink the beer right. If she was opening, if she was taking the cap off of her mouth, I'd be like, yes, I'll vote for her.

But that was her trying to be a regular person it breaks my goddamn heart sally in new york wants to talk about uh her husband in that video sally happy new year what's going on video. Sully, happy New Year. What's going on? I don't know what I'm

doing, buddy. All righty. That video, I just can't stop thinking about Warren just on her belly, on her

bed, just taking it deep. Oh, for Christ's sake, why do you got to go there? Come on. You know she doesn't do fun

stuff like that. Oh, no, I mean, look at her. No, you look at her. That's my point. She would never be on a bed doing any of, no. I mean, look at her. No, you look at her. That's my point. She would never be on a bed doing any of that shit.

I can see her on a... Thanks, Sully. Sully goes, I'm no match for Nick. I can see her on a bed with a, you know, with a corn cob, or as she calls calls it amazing vibrator the point is she's just not a real person it's like when hillary tries to joke around remember she'd be drinking a beer in a pub cut to her two seconds later she's in there sticking her fingers down her throat because she just had four lobster rolls to impress the fucking peep at the Martha's Vineyard. And meanwhile, the sodium is blowing her feet up like Clydesdales. And I don't know. They just don't have it. They were bookworms. They didn't

get laid. Guys weren't attracted to them. They're bitter, just like the Andy Richters and Judd Apatow's who were picked on. They can't get past their childhood trauma. I'm telling you, we should do a show like Dr. Katz, only where they do it with politicians. And go, why are you still mentioning bullying when you're 71 years old and running for Congress? Answer me that, you dink. Did the dodgeball hurt that bad, you fat fuck? God, get over it.

Judd Apatow throwing that ball. Oh my God, that's an insult to women. If I said he throws like a girl, that's an insult to most women. He made Baba Booey look like Nolan fucking Ryan with that thing. Jesus Christ. It explains his movies.

Picking on Louis C.K. because he doesn't look inside and it's harder to make the vulnerable laugh. That's not what comedy's about, you big girl. God damn it! How'd I get back to that? Full circle. I guess this is a good place to end, huh?

I know you guys have to go to the movies. You're seeing Practical Magic with Sandra Bullock there. Again, let me remind you to watch Escape from Dannemora Prison. Please, please watch that. It is so good. Ryan, don't worry about the show's ending unless the guy's ordering pizza parts and then we'll take it.

I'll save these for tomorrow. We got this, we got an 11-year-old student being docked points by his teacher because he wouldn't play her left-wing games. Actually, he's an 11-year-old girl.

And we have a Mexican mayor shot dead on his first day in office. You know why? Because Mexico is a third-world shithole. I love the Mexican people. But you can't go to, like, now, you go to, like, resorts in Cancun. You'll be on a dance club in wherever. And they'll roll a head into a dance floor that actually happened i'm not making that up those are the nice places in mexico and then you got

cities like this guy who ran for fucking whatever his first day in office gets shot on the way to work so when trump says third world shithole and he wasn't even talking about mexico i don't think he was right on the money anyways that's enough's enough for today, kids. I'll get to these stories and others. And I have a commercial I want to show tomorrow just for men. As I sat and watched bowl games, had my white masculinity torn to shreds. Every other commercial. I mean, Adidas makes Nike look conservative. Have you seen the new Adidas?

They're trying to jump on that angry minority female, hey, we've been kept on by whitey bandwagon, which is a, it's a caravan, let's be honest. And they just show scowling minority. These kids are 12, 13 years old, just looking into the camera, black and Hispanic, just pissed at what? This is how you sell shoes now.

What the fuck? Maybe they know they're going to be shot for those shoes when they leave the house. Not Trump's fault. Anyways, remember, you think it, I will say it. You are welcome. Happy New Year. Good to be back.

See you tomorrow. Bye. We'll see you next time.