The Nick DiPaolo Show - Corona Crazy | Nick Di Paolo Show #315

Episode Date: March 12, 2020

Trump forbids flying from EU. Tom Hanks become Hollywood's Patient Zero. NBA suspends its season. ONDAY - THURSDAY 5PM EST

Y'all make some noise for Governor Sarah Palin! Can I be your hype man? Yeah! Go Sarah! I like this part and I cannot lie You are the most can't deny When a girl walk in with a nitty-gritty waist And a round thingy in your face

You get sprung Oh my God, what is our show? The deep in the jeans he's wearing I'm hooked and I cannot dare at all Baby Want to get with y'all And take your picture My homegirl tried to warn me

But I thought you got me me too Oh yeah! How are you folks? Welcome to the show on a Thursday! Sarah Palin letting it fly. There's a little bipartisanship, huh? It must have killed to have her on. I always wanted to tag her. Just like one of the black bears she shoots from a helicopter. I always thought she was a little bit sexy, but she's out there shaking that shit. Sir Mix-a-lot. What's the fuck? What's the world coming to? I have no idea. She's not afraid of anything. Right out there with it. Anyhow,

how are you guys doing? Are you self-quarantined? This is the show. You might be self-quarantined. I'm getting on a goddamn plane tonight to Baltimore, connecting, upping my chances, sitting next to somebody from South Korea with shit in their pants. I mean, what? What in good Lord? I'm going to die in the name of standup comedy fun. What the fuck? I didn't sign up for this shit. Do you realize what I do for you people between 9-11 and never stopped? Two weeks after 9-11, I got on a plane to frigging England. My late great friend Patrice Pussy Daddy wouldn't go. Anyhow, yeah, so what the fuck? Trump suspends travel from Europe. Before I get to that,

remember, I want to hit it up front. This show is now free Monday through Thursday, so we need contributions from you guys at nickdip.com. Hit the contact button, I think. And those are our individual contributions.

You can still sign up at Patreon, which people are doing. If you do that, you get an extra story every day, and you get to ask me questions, and you get access to over 300 archive shows. And if you want to be a sponsor on the show, and you have a company, and this is the show to do it,

hit me up at nickdip.com, and hopefully we can do business. I think we have a gun manufacturer who's about to sign on. See, between that and Bluetooth, this is all about cock, man. Here's some mail-driven guns and Bluetooth. Let's get right to it. The president, Donald J. Trump, announced the unprecedented travel ban

Wednesday night. He suspended travel from Europe over the coronavirus fears. And he should. Okay. I'm fed up. First of all, this whole Corona thing, somebody's organizing this. This is orchestrated. It's creepy to me.

I don't put any, and I know I'm going to sound like a paranoid right winger. I'm telling you. Mitch McConnell said a couple, a year, year ago or two, remember? He said, he was quoted as saying, when you fuck with the intelligence agencies, remember Trump was busting their balls because they were snooping around on him. He said, they have a thousand ways to get you back. Again, this is speculation on my part. But this seems very orchestrated.

I don't know. Could be wrong, but you know, my fucking radar is always up. But Trump announced a travel ban from Europe and the UK today, all their panties are in a bunch. That was a unilateral move.

You're supposed to talk to your allies. Shut the fuck up. You guys don't know what you're doing with your open borders mentality. This coronavirus in every country that's in the ue or the eu excuse me ue what the fuck is i sound like trump the ue it's the real problem the united arab emirates uh the european union it's in every country we don't have to fucking they can't stand having a president who looks out for his people first. I know you people in Western Europe

think this is a global thing. We're all going to live together in harmony, but sorry, take our lead. We're the only superpower left. So get your panties out of a bunch. You're being overrun by North Africans and everything else, terrorists. Come on.

So this is what Trump had to say last night. My fellow Americans, tonight I want to speak with you about our nation's unprecedented response to the coronavirus outbreak. Sounds like he's got it. That started in China and is now spreading throughout the world. Pause. Don't say that it started. That's racist. They're actually saying that. it started that's racist they're actually saying that this guy made the moves in january to halt shit coming from china and was called a racist and is getting no credit for it that's why my other theory might hold water go ahead donnie let it fly today the world health organization

officially announced that this is a global pandemic it's a pandemic we have been in frequent contact with our allies. Oh, I hope not. And we are marshalling the full power of the federal government and the private sector to protect the American people.

Oh, you racist xenophobe. Taking early, intense action, we have seen dramatically fewer cases of the virus in the United States than are now present in Europe. Pause. That's because of our white privilege. We have all...

Fucking good for him. Keep the Europeans wear at home where they belong right now, all right? What? No soup for you! The European Union failed to take the same precautions and restrict travel from China and other hotspots. As a result, a large number of new clusters in the United States were seeded by travelers from Europe. After consulting with our top government

health professionals, I have decided to take several strong but necessary actions to protect the health and well-being of all Americans. To keep new cases from entering our shores, being of all Americans to keep new cases from entering our shores. We will be suspending all travel from Europe to the United States for the next 30 days. The new rules will go into effect Friday at midnight. Friday at midnight. And I swear on my grandchildren's eyes. Fucking call them a bigot. They're unfreakable. Those who have visited impacted countries within 14 days before the scheduled arrival

into the U.S. will also be banned. Sorry for the common sense. And the fact is, 330 million people live in this country. What do we have? How many thousand cases? It's going to get worse, folks, but it's a little exaggerated all right if you're not in your late 90s or have diabetes you really don't have much to worry about in my opinion okay trump spoke after u.s cases of covid 19 top 1200 and deaths hit 38 more people dying

in bathtubs all right so i'm getting on a plane to Baltimore. I don't give a shit. I don't have a mask. I have an S&M mask. That didn't go over well when I flew back from Chicago. The Dow plunged 1,400 points. This feels very August rated, I'm telling you. Nick, you're paranoid. I don't care. Down 20%. It was just at a record high a month ago. The virus will not have a chance against us, Trump said. No nation is more prepared, more resilient. We are all in this together, except for Pelosi and Schumer, those self-centered cocksuckers. I hope they get bit by a Chinese kid who's fuming from the mouth. We must put politics aside, stop the partisanship, and unify together as one.

And again, the Dems have no fucking... There will be exemptions for Americans who have undergone appropriate screenings and these prohibitions will not only apply to the tremendous amount of trade and cargo but various other things as we get approval anything coming from europe to the united states he also added these restrictions will also not apply to the United Kingdom. That's racist. That's a white country. Now it was a thousand years ago. Trump, who met with bankers on Wednesday, said tax deferment will inject $200 billion

of additional liquidity into the economy. I hope so. I haven't even looked at my investments. Last time I checked, they were down 78% at $1,100 in my IRA. And that deferments would be allowed without interest

for individuals and businesses. So he's trying to do, you know, trying to keep the, keep the money afloat. Give me the money, understand me.

Give me the fucking money, you hear me? You hear me? I got to come here and bust my body. Give me the fucking money. Trump also called on Congress to pass a payroll tax cut. let's see how that was received by dirty chuck schumer and leathery nipple pelosi they respond to the speech calling on republicans to pass legislation

providing free coronavirus testing they just want to huh they can't just accept anything we got to give free shit away if people are going to vote for us and paid emergency leave for workers among other relief measures. Their instincts just suck a bag of dicks. Who are you going to trust with money? Trump or fucking Schumer and Pelosi? There are significant clusters of infection in California, Florida, New York, and Washington State. Thank God I got out of Westchester because New Rochelle's got a mile radius.

There's a bunch of people sick. Trump said the clusters were delicious. He likes some of the caramel. Clusters were seeded by travel from Europe where there are large outbreaks in Italy and France, Germany and Spain. Again, so racist. Imagine the bust in his balls because he referred to it as the Chinese virus, which it is. I'll tell you who doesn't help.

Guys like this. This was really kind of disturbing. I saw a thing yesterday, two days ago, a meme or a video, a viral video. I don't know. There's a little girl in a subway station in New York licking the bar. She was running up licking the bucket. I didn't see anybody trying to stop her anyways. But this is even worse. And I'm about to show you a drunken strap hanger.

Corona. Somebody get me a lime. A drunken strap hanger went off the rails on a Belgian subway train amid the coronavirus crisis. He licked his fingers instead of wiping them on a pole. Now, I've done that at a titty bar when I was very drunk. I had three cream sodas and I was out of my tits. The passenger was captured on video. Watch this. Sick fuck. Look at this. He's drunk. What a dick. Sorry.

But he got what he wanted. He's on a viral video and that's important so he can land the modeling gig. You fucking believe that? What the fuck? Well, the world needs ditch diggers too. That boy is a P-I-G pig. Somebody put on Twitter in France, stop touching the bars. It's a poll stupid frenchman the sicko was arrested by the cops which he should be although i think he just committed

suicide himself but uh maybe this is suicide by uh check it out corona sicko was arrested by the cops and uh the subway train has been removed from service all because of this guy, didn't it? Come the fuck on. Anyways, so they removed the thing and they're cleaning it. That's according to Brussels Intercommunal Transport Company. There have been 314 confirmed cases of the coronavirus

and one death in Belgium. That's a pandemic. Sorry, I'm still not getting excited. One death. This jerk off licking his fingers. Can you imagine? Then he goes home and he puts those fingers inside his life partner's ass. I mean, what?

How much attention does this guy fucking need? That is gross. More than 115,000 have been infected by the bug globally and about 4,300 have died. And what is this, 6 billion people on the planet? Sorry, still not nervous. I'm not going to get nervous until a guy knocks on my door bringing me my General Tso's chicken and he sneezes on the chopsticks.

Then I'm going to get nervous. Then I'm going to get nervous. Then I'm going to get a little upset. You know who has it, though? This is fucking great. And I like Tom Hanks. Him and his wife, Rita Wilson, they tested positive for the coronavirus. He's working on a film in Australia about Elvis Presley. And yes, him and his pretty wife

Rita. That was caught on an open mic. That was Tom and a and a portal. Both have been in Australia doing pre-production of an alvis presley film for warner brothers the two-time oscar winner hanks is set to play presley's longtime manager colonel tom parker warner brothers was notified that someone in the production had been diagnosed with coronavirus the studio said in a statement to deadline adding that the person is receiving

treatment and that we are working to throw any Asian people off the set. No. We are working closely with the appropriate Australian health agencies to identify and contact anyone who may have come in direct contact or blown Tom behind the craft services table. Deadline, that's the publication,

received a statement directly from Tom Hanks. Hello, folks. He said hello, folks. That said, hello, folks. And that's all they got. Rita and I are down here in Australia. We felt a bit tired, like we had calls and some body aches. I've been feeling like that since I turned 38. Rita had some chills that came and went. Slight fevers, too. To play things right, my eyes are going, Jason. To play things right my eyes are going jason to play things right as indeed in the world right now we're tested for the coronavirus we were tested

and we were found to be positive that's right positive tom hanks crying in baseball well now what to do next the medical officials have protocols that must be followed. We, Hanks, will be tested, observed, and isolated for as long as public health and safety requires. Not much more to it than a one-day-at-a-time approach, no? I like his nice, calm demeanor. Let me tell you a little Tom Hanks story. I belonged to a gym on the Upper West Side of Manhattan when I was living in New York City. And I was at the gym one day, and I'm on a frigging treadmill running, and I smell a horrible, like a sweatsuit that hasn't been washed in fucking five years.

I look at the treadmill next to me. Who's on it? Tommy Hanks. Isn't that a great story? I said, not for nothing. I know you're a big shot. Wash your fucking ass, Tommy. Of course, I didn't say that.

I shook his hand. Anyways, so him and his wife had it. And really, he's already lost like 15 pounds in three days. I think we have a clip of him. Looks healthy there. Ah, Elizabeth Perkins. Great actress. What happened to her?

Oh, no. He looks horrible. All right, enough. All right. It's my idea of a joke. Hey, folks, they can't be all fucking winners, you know? I was laying on my bed watching the investigative network.

I really believe after watching that for about two weeks, I could murder six girls within a mile of my house and get away with it. Are you supposed to take notes when you watch that shit and record? I'm at the Home Depot buying duct tape and chloroform and all kinds of... I can't find a fake cast. I want to do the Ted Bundy thing. Remember he had the van, he was trying to load some furniture into a van. What it on his arm or his foot? I can't remember. And of course chicks come over. Because why?

Because women are nice people. We'll help you. Cut to a day later. Their heads were in his freezer. Let that be a lesson to you people on Tinder. Hey, shout outs real quick. I can't thank these people enough. These are donations that came in yesterday.

This is what keeps the show alive. It's our lifeblood. Please keep it coming. I don't want to have to get a real quick. I can't thank these people enough. These are donations that came in yesterday. This is what keeps the show alive. It's our lifeblood. Please keep it coming. I don't want to have to get a real job. Kurt Carson in Colorado, Jody Quintanar, California, Salvatore. Is that an I? Why can't we fucking get a font that distinguishes an I and an L? Iogelbo, font that distinguishes an I and an L. I-O-G-L-B-O. I-O-G-L-B-O. New York. Thank you, Sal. Health Childers.

Oh, Heath. I'm sorry. Children's Health. Heath Childers, Alabama. I'm trying to do this without my glasses. Kevin McArdle. He's been a fan for a long time. Massachusetts. Stephen Turner, Ohio. Robert Eumanns from Georgia.

And then we got a Patreon subscriber, which is the best way to do it if you can. Monthly Soup, Jason Fuller. Thank you guys so much. I can't tell you how important that is, and we're giving the show away now. On with more coronavirus. You know it must be bad when they suspend the nba my first reaction was hey it's a coronavirus not ebola which affects the nick what kind of well trump told me to say he's looking racing uh the national basketball

association on wednesday night suspended its season indefinitely after a Utah Jazz player tested positive for the new coronavirus. He was going in on an uncontested layup, shit his pants. The NBA is suspending gameplay following the conclusion of Wednesday night's schedule of games until further notice. The NBA will use this hiatus to determine the next steps for moving forward in regard to the coronavirus pandemic. Shortly afterward, the National Hockey League said that it is continuing to consult with medical experts and is evaluating the options

for its ongoing season. Please don't do that when the Bruins have the best record in hockey and have already reached a hundred points. If you take this cup away from me, how about they don't suspend it? They go on with the playoffs, right?

The Bruins win the cup. They take the cup everywhere to restaurants and shit. They drank it out of it. They kill a million people. Please don't suspend hockey. I don't give a fuck about the NBA. I just didn't. Please don't suspend hockey. I don't give a fuck about the NBA. I just can't. I can't watch a sport where two teams exchange

baskets for two hours before they mean anything. I will argue, guys, to your blue in the face. It's a bad spectator. It's a great sport to play. Basketball's fun, but if you guys find that interesting, I don't know what to say. Anyway, so the NHL is going to give you a further update today.

The NBA said it learned the unidentified Utah player tested positive shortly before the Oklahoma City Thunder was set to host the Jazz on Wednesday. Their game was canceled close to the scheduled tip-off. Fans already in attendance were told by an official on the public address system, this wouldn't scare you, would it, to leave due to unforeseen circumstances. All right, get up! Yeah! Imagine hearing that, you with your little boy. Over this PA system, they go, you are all safe.

Imagine hearing that, you with your little boy. Over this PA system, they go, you are all safe. The official said before asking spectators to exit in an orderly fashion. And they said, anybody who's a little bit Asian, report to the CEO's shower. The NBA said the jazz player who tested positive for the coronavirus, also known as COVID, was not in the arena. According to the official NBA injury report, jazz player is Rudy Gobert.

I don't know if he's French. Jason, you know you follow Basma. Look at this guy. Mother of God. Look how long his arms are. Can you imagine? Anyways, so anyway, this was from yesterday. According to the NBA injury report, Gobert and Emmanuel Moudai were both listed out of Wednesday's game due to illness.

But there was an update today. Another guy on Utah, guy's last name is Mitchell, tested positive for it too. NBA statement did not reveal whether Gobert or Mudai tested positive for coronavirus. I think we know one of them did already. And another one named Mitchell. Nor did it identify any other player. Again, this was from yesterday. But it's kind of fucking creepy, isn't it?

The NBA game between the New Orleans Pelicans and Sacramento Kings for Wednesday in Sacramento also canceled for what the league said was an abundance of caution, translation, overreaction, in my opinion. So what? You get the flu symptoms again. Nick, what are you nuts? People are dying. Yes. People are dying and they're all 79, either from Wuhan or fucking a nursing home in Seattle. Anyways, earlier Wednesday, the Golden State Warriors told their fans they would not be allowed

to attend the next home game after San Francisco mayor London Breed, what a name, London Breed banned all events with more than a thousand people in the city. The NCAA, this one freaked me out, also announced Wednesday

it's men's and women's college not the women's tournament. There's going to be 82 disappointed people. Nick, why do you have, because nobody gives a fuck. Both, both the men and women at the March Madness will play in arenas without fans. Can't they digitally, Jason, you're, can't they digitally put the crowd in somehow? Sure. Why not? Thank you. Uh, could you say

that in layman's terms? You really confuse me all the technical jargon. Only teen staff and family would be allowed to. You don't show much love for your family. Fucking guy hits a three-pointer with no time left in the clock and his grandfather runs on the court with his grandmother. Nice shot, Rudy. Stay away from me, crappy. That's going to be fun, isn't it? To watch it kind of an empty. That's going to be fun, isn't it? To watch it kind of an empty.

That's going to be fucking, this is epic. And again, I know I might sound crazy, but it seems like a little bit of an overreaction. I don't know. Hey, Jace, your parent, your mother's in Westchester, right? Yeah, she's freaking out. Is she freaking out? I think so. I'm assuming she is.

Well, you're a little bit of a hypochondriac, no? Yeah, no. This is a good time for people with OCD. Are you glad you're down here? Yes, I am. By the way, that's Jason Berkelbeck, one of the original producers who helped get this show off the ground. As you know, Raz came down with Corona yesterday.

He has three Asian wives. No, he's taking some business classes on Thursday. I think today's his last class. And Jason was nice enough to step in. A very valuable player in the Nick DiPaolo show. You got to hand it to the kid. Find the job yet, Jason? Nope.

No? What was your latest? Latest failure? You didn't get the piano gig at the airport? No, no. They gave it to some Chinese dude, oddly enough. Again, more corona news. This one, do people still watch these late night shows?

I fucking gave up years ago. Late night TV shows go without live audiences as coronavirus precaution. More overreaction. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

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Fucking little communist fuck. CBS, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Comedy Central's Daily Show with Trevor Noah. And others will all tape aloud an in-studio audience starting on Monday. No, don't tell me it's not true. Hello? Hello? Here we go.

They all said the same thing. The safety of our guests and employees is our top priority. Wait a minute. How about the fucking audience you're not letting in? NBC said that after they took the time to take Hillary's tit out of their mouth. As a precautionary measure, starting Monday, March 16th, we have decided to suspend live audience of a tonight show starring Jimmy Fallon late night with Seth Meyers per guidance from New York City officials.

The company's hoping to do its part to help to decrease the rate of transmission in our communities. Our shows will continue filming on their regularly scheduled and currently there will be no impact on air dates. took the temperature of the nbc peacock 106 degrees as you know cbs said in a statement uh beginning monday march 16th the late show with colbert will film without a live in studio audience this move is being made out of an abundance of caution what are they just working from the same thing they also said they had there have not been any specific developments at the Ed Sullivan Theater to cause concern for audiences

with plans to attend the show. But the ghost of Ed Sullivan showed up. Look at him. Right here at Great Front of Hawaii from the Wuhan air. Great Front of Hawaii. He's puking. He's got a runny nose. he's a hunter, a tamer. The show must go on.

Give it up for Ching-Fly Hu, everybody. Right now, for the past several weeks, the Late Show producers have consulted daily to share information with other New York-based late night. Why are they the ground zero for these operations? Why are they the ground zero for these operations? You know what Comedy Central said? Our top priority is the safety of our guests and staff. They're all working from that.

Beginning Monday, March 16th, Comedy Central's New York-based late-night series, a daily show with unfunny Trevor Noah, will film without a live-in studio audience. Nobody will notice a difference. Silence is silence. This move is being made out of an abundance of cost. Shut up! Same fucking shit. I should have pre-read this. Shut up!

Shut, shut, shut, shut, shut up! Shut up! The Los Angeles-based Late Show with James Corden is still allowing audiences for the time being. They figured that if his audience hasn't got AIDS from his show in the last two years, everybody's safe. I wonder if he's going to do singing in cars. That's a good way to spread it. Trying to think of an Asian singer I can't because I don't. Oh, no.

NBC's A Little Late with Lilly Singh. Oh, they were at production for the season. Reps for Jimmy Kimmel Show have not commented on that. Why is that? Huh? Why is that? But you don't have opening? No. But why not?

Because of the coronavirus, we don't have opening. You'll go home now. You go now! Oh, Jason, wipe this down. You know, I feel bad the Asian people because there are some ignorances out there who are beating up Asian people. You know, you know where they are.

You know what segment of the population I'm talking about. Inner city type. If I can see a Chinese person, they'd smack him across the face. Can you imagine? Were you beating up male figure skaters during the AIDS thing? Come on, for the love of God. But seriously, it's a concern for people of Asian descent. Apparently in California, San Gabriel Valley gun sales soar among Asian Americans who fear coronavirus related attacks.

Got to keep that message going that this is the most racist country on earth. But yeah, so they get a little nervous. It's sort of like being Iranian or Middle Eastern after 9-11. Remember, every cab driver had 11 American flags taped to their forehead, their fucking chest. Just letting you know. So the Asian people are buying guns so they won't be attacked. I kill you. I kill you right now. Kill. I kill you. I kill you right now.

I killed you. I kill you. I kill you right now. David Liu, the owner of Arcadia Firearm and Safety, said his store has been very busy in recent weeks. Liu said he's seen as many as 10 times more customers than usual come through the door of his business. Because of a coronavirus, a lot of people start to worry, he said. The area has high concentration of Asian Americans. And Lou said many of his customers are afraid they may be targeted because of their ethnicity. If a local outbreak of a coronavirus occurs, unfortunately, it's probably a legitimate concern.

No, they're ignorant. No, it isn't. Remember poor Sikhs? You know, Indian Sikhs, they wear the turban thing. Remember the fucking idiots after 9-11? One guy actually killed a Sikh at a gas station in Arizona. But the Sikhs were, again, those turban things turned into American flags. They wrapped in.

He says, I do worry. And he says, I do worry. No, this was said by Danny Lim, who recently bought a gun for his wife at Arcadia Firearms. Lim said he wants his family to be able to defend themselves. He says, nunchucks don't do it anymore. What are those stars they throw? And he fears coronavirus may spark a financial crisis that leads to social disorder. That's the one that makes me a little nervous, because all I have is a jar of peanut butter, a can of Lysol, and an old Playboy magazine.

I don't know if that's going to get me through the year. He says, I hope and pray it never happens. Lim is not the only one thinking like this. To buy a fire may help him. We think it's the perfect time to get a weapon for ourselves, said another customer, Dirk Zhang. Dirk Zhang, have you seen him in the latest... What the fuck?

Jason just pulled that up. Jason, that is some racist shit. That's Dirk Zhang's father guarding their cave in the San Fernando Valley. Why is he wearing a Reese's peanut butter cup cap? Is that a real gun? Fucking Jason producing right there, huh? He says it's the perfect time to get a weapon to protect himself. That's Dirk Zhang. He's a Chinese porn star, Dirk Diggler. Adding that his wife would never allow a handgun in the home until now. Oh, you got to calm down, everybody. Please just calm down. You're getting

a little fucking crazy. Why is everyone so fucking stupid? Why aren't more people interrogating like me? Lou is taking steps as a store owner to prepare for the coronavirus as well. He has equipped his store with hand sanitizer and a sign at the front door asking people to take a 23 and meet. No, to stay up, to stay up if they don't feel well. You think somebody who feels threatened because they're Asian, they might get fucking targeted with violence. You think if they have a fever, they're not going to go into your gun shop? Oh, I have the sniffles. I'm not going to buy a gun.

Some guy's been stalking me at work because I'm Asian. I've seen that everywhere. I got a haircut yesterday and it said they had the thing. Due to the coronavirus, everybody's got a little fucking... Due to the coronavirus, due to the coronavirus, I'm fucking... I got to be honest with you, I haven't felt right since I got back from Chicago and ate that pizza with my dirty, filthy hands. Did I tell you that one, Jace? Did you hear me talk, brother? Shook a hundred hands, walked in and just grabbed a slice. And that's not me, folks. I'm a clean person. I rinse my ass five times a day for no reason.

Like Tiny Tim. Remember Tiny Tim tiptoe through the tulips? He used to shower every time he went to the bathroom. One or two. Didn't have any problems, did he? Tiptoe. Final coronavirus story, folks. Hey, it's a pandemic.

I got to cover it. I mean, I want to protect my fans out there. I don't know what's going on when I get to the, I don't know what to expect this weekend in Timonium, Maryland at McGuby's. Is it going to be a bunch of people in mass? Are there going to be eight people? The text was selling last week pretty well.

You see, it shows the power of the media. And again, don't forget what I said at the top of the show we might find out this was august rated nick you are nuts well people have said that before and i've been wrong every time um young people capitalize on cheap coronavirus flights i love it this girl says if i die i die if coronavirus gets really dangerous, I might as well be somewhere having fun. One California college chick said. I like her spunk, you. Good for young people. You think you're invincible when you're young.

I never put a condom on at the height of AIDS. Never. Picking up, this is when I was young, good looking. Picking up filthy, strange things, dragging them home. Never. Because I knew it only affected male figure skaters, Haitian choreographers, and Liberace's cousin, Mikey. Fucking condom.

Get more sensation with a Clorox bottle on my cock. Please. Tried it once. Couldn't keep it hard. Girl got bummed out, so I put it on my hand. I did a puppet show before she laughed. Get right back into it. It's a true story. As people around the world cancel their trips because of

the fears of the coronavirus, Ashley Henkel booked three flights. Ashley, God bless you. I love you. She's like that person after 9-11, Bush, who said, get out there, go shopping. Henkel 20 is taking advantage of cheap flights to see North America. Well, that's not that ballsy. She's going to, well, California's Central Valley.

But, oh, she lives in Central Valley, California. But this summer, she'll be in Vancouver. Very nice. New York City, where it's supposedly spread. Portland, Oregon. I don't know why you'd want to go to that fucking comedy shithole. Unless it's to kill fucking left-wingers. A college student itching to travel.

She's one of many people staring the deadly virus in the face and saying, she said, whatever. I love it. She doesn't care. She's going to party. You know what I'm saying? Hey, everybody, we're all going to get laid. It's a high risk, high reward trip, people say. I feel like if the coronavirus would get even more serious and like wipe out large amounts of people, I might as well be somewhere having fun. Henkel said, it's a party girl. Guarantee you, she's probably had chlamydia 11 times and just dumped some Clorox down her pants and moved on. She had thought about going on trips for this summer, but it was too expensive. Then she said, thank God for the virus and people dying everywhere.

No, she said, now as people self-quarantine, she'll be taking pictures in Times Square. You're going to be taking pictures of you in a statue. There is no fun in staying at home and being all worried, she said. I'm sorry, I'm with her a little bit. Multinational corporations like Google, who are going to fix the election in 2020, and Walmart are restricting non-essential travel. People are canceling trips and large conferences are being called off. Global air travel is projected to lose $63 billion, that's with a B, to $113 billion. If that's true, why am I paying for anything?

Because of reduced demand. That's a lot of money. $63 billion to $113 billion. I won't make that for another couple of years. You know what I'm saying? That's right. Morning zoo shit. Oh, my God.

I think I'm going to work that one into the show more often. Every time Pelosi tells a lie. Da-da-da-da-da. What is this? It's the rest of the sentence. Something about SARS. Don't worry about it. It says the coronavirus is on track to slow global travel faster than SARS and MERS.

Remember SARS and MERS, a comedy team out of fucking Belgium? United Airlines said it will lose money this quarter. Southwest Airlines CEO Gary Kelly said the outbreak is more serious challenge for the industry than the terrorist attacks on September 11th. Cruise line. Who would go on a cruise now? Fucking people were getting SARS and MERS on cruises 10 years ago and everything was fine. I would not go on a cruise if you gave me the goddamn keys to the ship and said, take it for a spin. See if you can make a U-turn on this fucking 12 mile bus.

See if you can make a U-turn on this fucking 12-mile bump. United Airlines says it will lose money this quarter. I already said that. Who's this? Mulligan. Oh, this is a guy. Jack Mulligan of Manchester, England, joked that the coronavirus wasn't going to stop him from traveling.

He says, as much of a joke my tweet may have seemed, I was being deadly serious. He says, I think the coronavirus is clearly something people need to be wary of, but I don't plan on putting my life on hold because that's racist. Some chinks ate a bat. Come on, Jack Mulligan. What the fuck? He says, I'm not gonna put my life on hold because something is going around. He had planned to go on vacation anyway, and because cheap flights are now available, he said he booked a couple on Tuesday. Another guy who does not give a shit. Good for you. You are correct, sir. Good for you, Mr. Nice knowing you, Mr. Mulligan. Jack Mulligan. Let me just say something, Jack. I'll tell you what you don't get with the coronavirus. You don't get a mulligan.

Jason just cringed in pain. Get off your fucking puns high horse. That was hilarious. Anyways, Jack Mulligan. That's what Bill Hicks used to say when somebody moaned. Hey, get off your puns high horse. I think we need more political correctness in the world. I don't think there's enough empathy for like black people and gay people and transgender. I think we need more empathy.

I said that with my tongue so far buried into my cheek. This was on NBC. And this little black girl, adorable, almost made me cry. OK, but it's got nothing to do with racism and shit. Let me tell you a little secret, black people. White people, you know what we say about black kids? They're really cute. I hear that all the time.

But this was, they just put this out here, NBC. Just tell me what the motivation is behind this. Here's a black mom braiding a little cute girl's hair. And listen to what the little girl says. When four-year-old Ariana Cotton sat down to get her hair done, she whispered three heartbreaking words. I'm so ugly. I'm so ugly.

Family friend Shabria Redmond pulled her close and told her she was wrong. You are so pretty. Well, let's not go overboard. You are too cute. Well, let's not go overboard. You are too cute. She is cute. Oh, you make me cry. You know. You're going to make us all cry.

Let me see. You got two dimples. When Shabria posted the moment online, the world agreed. Film director Matthew Cherry started the hashtag artwork for Ariana, flooded with gorgeous images of her. Ariana, you are black and beautiful. Big names chiming in, including Michelle Obama. In a world that sometimes tries to say otherwise, I want to tell you. Pause, pause.

Fuck it, I don't like Michelle. In a world that sometimes tries to say otherwise? What world's that, Michelle? Huh? This is being implied that it's racism. You know? That's what this is implying. We really don't think little black girls are.

Who said that? In a world, in a world where nobody likes little black girls. It's a new movie coming out. Ugly Aisha coming to a theater than you. Give me a fucking, and every other beautiful I mean, what, this is NBC

night, this with that fucking propaganda. She's a cute little fucking girl, and that was sad what she said, but don't blame it on the rest of the world as, that is, come on. Go ahead. A beautiful, intelligent, brave black girl. Just how precious you are.

For Ariana, a new hairdo and new confidence to go with it. Thank you. Lane Alexander, NBC News. Hey, NBC News fans. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me that racism still exists. We hate little black girls. Is that what that was Hey, NBC News fans. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me that racism still exists. We hate little black girl. Is that what that was about, NBC? What in goddamn? What was that about? Make people sad? Come on. Your tears are so yummy and sweet. Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness.

Yummy, yummy. Never tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking again. That's what the mother should have said to the kid. Give me a phone. What is that? A PSA announcement to just in case you people are starting to feel good about yourselves. She was cute. The mother. Well, go ahead,

Jason. We have a patron question. Oh, goodness gracious. Hello. He's Brian P Alma, Georgia. Hey,

you get me. Fuck. Oh my God. Lung custard. Hey, you get me. Fuck. That sounds like my buddy at home.

Who's an eye doctor. And that's how he talks to me. Just finished another census killing. Well, good. Gee, Brian, I put that out about 10 years. I'm glad to see you're a big fan on DVD. Great show. Thank you. You're Rocky and Mick. I do a Rocky and Mick.

You need a manager. Just wondering, what is the most hysterical thing that has ever happened at a family gathering? Brunswick was great. Justice for Rich Wood. Oh, that might be the guy that Rich Wood. Richard, you're still alive on the show. What was the funniest thing that ever happened at a family gathering? Well, I can think of a couple.

I told this one already. We were having dinner. My sister's in-laws were over and i was in a little bit of a beef with my old man i don't forget what the argument was about and then my mother said to me uh nick would you do you want salad and just because i was a little prick i go what kind of lettuce i don't like fucking bib lettuce i don't like i like romaine i said what kind of lettuce I didn't finish the word lettuce and my father gave me right across the face. One motion. I'm not a little kid. I'm like in high school at this point.

Quack! And I'm like, you motherfucker. Mr. Bevan, the late great Mr. Bevan, that's my sister's father-in-law, laughed so hard because he thought I deserved to get cracked in the face he couldn't finish his he literally got up he was his eyes were he was laughing so he thought that was hilarious my father cracked me in the face and a big fight broke up and uh another fucking what happened at another gathering oh we were up at a camp in maine on the fourth of july

right it's at nighttime it's fourth of july have a fire going, and my grandmother's out there, my aunts, my uncle, everybody's sitting around in a circle. One of my buddies, I think it might have been Zook, the cop that I hang out, I forget who it was, my sister's boyfriend, fucking lights a couple bottle rockets and an M80s, a whole bunch of shit. And he goes to throw, he goes to throw the, no, the bottle rocket shot off we had a

propane tank you know grill the fucking bottle rocket like wedges it sticks like on the top of the we all fucking take off you watch 14 people tip over their lawn chairs is my grandmother still sitting there we're all fucking 400 feet away my grandmother's sitting there things 10 feet away going you sparked and we're like this somebody get grammy oh fuck it she's not he's like so how's that there's two good ones for you and when we were little kids we used to step on grapes that's how half italian i am in my grandfather's basement around easter we would make what literally you put on rubber boots that were sanitized, stepping on grapes.

And my sister Donna was in her, she had just come back from church and her Easter dress fell in the fucking grape. There you have it. I gave you three tremendous, and trust me, there's a lot more. If I sat down and thought of more. Finally, tonight on Meet the Press,

we've got to show this. We've got to show this Russian singer. Did you see this? What makes Nick DiPato laugh harder than anything? What is it? It's people falling down and hurting themselves. And if they're related to you or friends of yours, it makes it even funnier. That's the thing.

As W.C. Fields once said, to make a person laugh, laugh a civilian you dress an old man up like an old lady or you dress a guy up like an old lady and push him down the stairs to make a comedian laugh you push an actual old lady down the stairs that's my favorite quote of all time uh did you see this r singer? She falls 10 feet off the stage. And I know how this can happen because I've been on stages and comedy where they don't mark the front, like with tape or anything you can't see sometimes. But this made me laugh so hard, I shit my Russian bloomers. Go ahead, show this. can we see that again is that too much of pain? Let's take one more look at this.

God, this fucking struck me funny. She broke her foot, by the way, laid on her stomach and finished the song. Nobody thought to mark that for her. Kill again, little buddy. No. All right, that's good. What exactly leads you to believe the Soviets were involved? Russian pop singer took the fall for women, literally.

Anastasia Vishnevskaya was performing for audiences in Krasnoyarsk when she accidentally walked off stage. No, she fell off stage. Ten feet into the August pit below. Remarkably, the consummate professional finished her number from the floor because Putin would have had her shot if she didn't. After sustaining a fractured foot and bruising, she was helped onto a chair as the pit platform was raised to stage level so the 1375 guests could witness her embarrassment the finale of a song 100 hours of happiness that was the song 100 hours of happiness how about two seconds of tragedy

she was quoted as saying after the show as she blew into a straw in her wheelchair she was then rushed to a hospital for emergency surgery. I didn't notice the edge of the stage. Those motherless fucks. They call themselves union people? No. And fell into the augers to pit onto the musicians who were preparing the next number, she said. Meanwhile, the singer silenced

internet critics who claimed that her fall had proven she was lip syncing. That's what they get out of it. What she wasn't. She says, I was lying on my tummy singing the song. Spiteful critics only discuss the fact that I continue to sing despite the trauma and blame me for not singing live. She continued, I wish there was less hatred and envy around us. Later, some concert goers confessed they thought the plunge was part of the act,

thanks to her unwavering performance. What a bunch of fucking cynics, huh? She says, I am certain that very few artists in the world would be able to finish singing in such an extreme situation after falling into an Augusta pit, breaking a foot and getting bruised. Some of the audience wrongly believe it was pre-planned. Oh, that was said by the presenter

Romanov Boganov, who's very good, by the way. He did my Another Sense is Killing album. But like the lady points out in the article, don't feel bad because Madonna started crying last month when she fell down in Paris because her hips had fucking loaded with, you know, jizz

and osteoporosis. And during a show at the MGM Grand in Vegas, Lady Gaga leapt into the arms of a fan that she invited on stage, and they crashed into, they toppled over into the first row. And then Dave Grohl, remember he broke his leg after he stage-dived in Sweden in 2015, and Beyonce fell off the stage in 2007. Don't you, because it's about a woman. Don't worry.

It happens to everybody. Look, you still made an ass of yourself. But the fact that you busted your foot and continued, big props. And to you haters out there, go fuck yourself. This broad's tremendous. I'm going to have her sing at my 60th birthday.

Only the stage is going to be 200 feet high. There's going to be a crocodile pimpler. That's it for the day. I am losing my tits. I will see you people this week on Friday and Saturday night, Magoobies, Timonium, Maryland, hopefully. Don't forget Cameo.com. Got three more yesterday waiting for me.

Go to Cameo.com, click on it, and you can tell me who you want me to make fun of. I can roast a friend of yours. You know the whole thing. People are using it for birthdays, anniversaries, and it's tremendous. I've cleared almost $14 in three weeks. Don't forget, one more time, I can't stress this enough. Because this show is now free, we need you.

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And thank you, Jason Berkelbeck. guitar solo We'll see you next time.