The Nick DiPaolo Show - Criminal Justin Jones | Nick Di Paolo Show #1384

Episode Date: April 19, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about yet another idiotic Biden gaffe, Matt Gaetz nailing our drug problem and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://NickDiPaoloShow.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Mr. DePaulo, no one could be as nasty as you pretend to be, unless they really wanted to be disliked. Well, aren't you a detective Dr. Bob? You dink. How are you folks? Welcome to the big show on uh Dallas. This is going to be a Wednesday. Well Wednesday. It's already Wednesday folks where you are. I don't know what it is here. it is here. Anyways, great to be with you. God. Tampa Bay, good luck beating Tampa Bay. Have you seen them yet, Dallas, this year? They're 12 or 13 and 0. They haven't launched yet this year. Yeah, they just beat the Red Sox 3-0. We got one more. And they got these pitches. Why? Can I ask a question? Why aren't the other teams following their formula? They have one of the lowest payrolls,

and they're successful almost every year. Scary good this year. Defense, they lead the league at home. And they get like 8,000 people to the game. What a waste. I don't get that either. Is this a write-off for some mobster? Is he washing money through the...

It's a big laundering scheme. Yeah, that's the impression I'm getting, because last night it was laundry night at the... People with skid marks. But holy shit, they are geniuses over there. They had this kid McClanahan start last night, lefty. He's throwing 100, and it's not just 100. It's doing this like a fucking wiffle ball. And then they bring in, you know, some guy like the fifth inning. Same thing, touching 99, and it's, oh, the kid last night, what am I saying? It was his first start.

He was a righty last night. I'm talking, McClanahan was the night before. This kid last night, first start in Major League Baseball, and just blowing away the Red Sox, who have a pretty good lineup, even without Duvall. Holy shat. Mother of God. And like I said, how depressing is, I think they had 11, 12, that's a big deal. And you know they're all Boston, New York people who moved up. You know what I mean? I don't think anybody from Tampa grew up with a, well, they've been around a long time, so that's not true either.

There's more to do down in Tampa. Titty bars and hot tubs and, you know what I'm saying? Stuff like that. Libraries. Nobody reads in Tampa. Tampa, by the way, any comic will tell you this. The first three times I went down there Again, now this is when I was young

Better looking It always happens in Tampa Artie Lang said it I was always thinking it I had said it Every time you get on the after year shows If they like it There's always a couple that wants to have it like

A threesome in a hot tub It's tremendous I never did it though Never had the balls to jump in there. Can't come home with my dick leaking like a busty pipe, even when I was single, you know? But if I could do it over again, yeah,

I would have died in monkey pox a long time ago. Who's with me? Bunch of filthy whores down there. And I say that in a loving way. They come out to see me in Tampa. Not because of my cock, I'll tell you that much. Fucking mushroom cap. Listen, what kind of talk is that, man?

Man, fuck you and your bone spurs. Anyways, what's the other thing I wanted to get off my mind? Oh, it's funny how my guitar cleaned and the strings replaced. I replaced them once, you know, fucking, it takes me 20 minutes to replace a light bulb, never mind six strings. So I just bring it to this guy who knew me as a comic. It's funny when you clean the fret, the fucking fretboard once every year and change the strings, how much better it sounds. I'm going to take up the tube.

This fucking tube. I'm going to kill this dentist, motherfucker. Yeah. This is temporary. But he puts in the temporary one, and it's like a quarter inch short from the other ones. And he holds the mirror up, and he goes, how do you like it? I go, good. If I'm the governor of Georgia,

the fuck are you doing to me? He goes, no, the other one's not going to... I go, you're damn right it's not going to look like that. Anyways, fucking... Where am I? Let's get right to it i guess after me and i was going to talk about the meatballs i made but there's none left gaff island a confused joe biden has uh mistaken a national sports team what a dink with a notorious paramilitary group while on his grand tour of. He's such a dope. What are we doing? Yeah. What's going on right now? I don't know, Joe. Gaff-prone American President Joe Biden has

once again stepped in shit, provoked confusion, and laughs after he conflated a national sports team with a notorious 20th century paramilitary group. I think we've all made that mistake. Haven't we? Haven't you mistaken the Ravens for the Crips and the Bloods? Not exactly. I don't know, man. That's pretty accurate. Yeah, that actually, I know. I just thought of that. God damn it. Who are the two little puppet heads sticking out there? Look at them. Welcome, President Joe Biden. You hear his first remarks.

He goes, I'll tell you, I haven't been in Vermont for a long time. The Green Hills. Somebody changed my diaper. Anyways, the comments came later on the commander-in-chief's second day of touring Ireland with Biden meeting with extended family members still resident on the island. According to a report by Politico, is that Spanish? I don't either. Nobody knows. I don't either. Nobody knows. Biden's slip up originated from an attempt, of course, to praise one of these extended relations, that of a famous Irish rugby player. He related to Biden, I guess. Right. Robert Kearney, who during his time playing for the country at an international level, helped beat New Zealand's legendary national, the All Blacks. And the Washington Redskins went with commanders?

That is brilliant. You could, the whole NFL, every team could be called the All Blacks, the 91% Blacks, against the 45% Blacks. Of course, the 91% Blacks are a two-touchdown favorite. Anyways, the All Blacks, why can't we do that? However, while attempting to play up his distant cousin's achievements, Biden claimed that Kearney had not, in fact, beaten the all blacks, but the notorious 20th century British paramilitary organization known as the Black and Dance. They they used to imprison Irish people. Oh, my God, are you retarded out of all?

Let's listen to Dum Dum. We take great faith in the closing comment I make, you see this tie I have with the shamrock on it? This was given to me by one of these guys right here. What's his name, Joe? Quick. He was a hell of a rugby player. He beat the hell out of the Black and Tans.

Oh, God. But it was... He's done. That's it. No, go ahead. Actually, he sounds more... When you were at Soldier Field. You know you're a fucking mumbling, stuttering little fuck. You know that? He, the poor guy, we're laughing at him, but honestly, his wife is a twat for letting him.

Honestly, when he said the black and tan, you could tell he wasn't even confident in what he was saying. He started to mumble off and put his eyes down. That's because he's not even sure what he's saying. And again, though, he got the most votes ever in the history of the, yeah. Suck my left and ass cheek. Left and ass cheek? I forgot the right one. Speaking of that, I'm getting the pellets tomorrow.

Every four months, folks, I get the testosterone pellets. It's great. It shrinks my nuts, making the cock look like two and a half inches. Even the doctor goes, well, that's a good dude. I'll do the jokes here. It's my wife kind of called me, by the way. I said, you've seen her pussy more than I have this month. I actually said that, and he laughs instead of going, shh. Isn't that funny? He's a funny bastard. He doesn't like my show because I curse too much.

I go, you got your head in muffs all day. Me saying fuck is bothering you? Jesus Christ. It's like working the Filet-O-Fish machine. Nick, will you grow up? No, I won't. That's why working the Filet-O-Fish machine. Nick, will you grow up? No, I won't. That's why I became a comic. Suck a bag of Cheez Whiz.

All right. Cocaina. Anyways, made up of former soldiers, the paramilitary group that he brought up, black and tans, who fought for the British during the First World War. The outfit became infamous for violently sacking Irish towns during the country's war of independence, frequently burning down villages, and thought to have collaborated with the IRA.

So, Joe, once again, you stepped in it beautifully. And I'm sure the fucking, he is everything they said Trump was going to be. He's got us on the brink of World War III. He's retarded. He's not fit for everything brink of World War III. He's retarded. He's not fit for everything. We know that, though, don't we? Hey, in the second half of this show, folks, I'll be talking about Justin Jones.

He's one of the Tennessee Black House reps that got booted and reinstated. Apparently, he was a real hellraiser. And, you know, he's got a fucking rap sheet as long as my arm. And I'll be talking about how much the Biden administration hates Catholics. All that on the second part of the show, exclusively on Mug Club. So join now to get it at nickdapaloshow.com. What else we got? What else do we have from Jim?

It's Feed Your Head. Now, that's a reference from a song that only people in their late hundreds like myself will get. No, maybe not. Do you know that line? Dallas? I think so. What do you think it is? I'm not trying to put you on the spot.

I'm just saying. No, I'd like to know your music. It's, um... 90s? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This is like 60s, 70s. Grace Slick. What is it, Jefferson Airplane? I hope I got that right.

It's a song about taking drugs. Feed your hair. That's not the refrain, thank Christ. Anyways, what's that got to do? Rep Matt Gates, who I like, said this week that he wonders, look at the hair on Ricky

Ricardo. That is Ricky Ricardo's hair. Does he not look like a Kennedy? And I like to I like to suck ass after a few beers look at that fucking man

that guy just that hair alone you could put that on the elephant man you're gonna get pussy I'm just saying I had hair like that only not quite as fucking good as that anyways Matt Gaetz said this week that he's wondering if the recent spate of mass shootings

such as the Nashville school last month and at the Louisville Bank on Monday is a result from the work of Big Pharma. I think it's a legitimate question. Okay? Because every this whole country is drugged the fuck out.

Never mind the young kids. You know what I mean? Never mind the fentanyl coming over the border and all that other horse shit. All the pills and subscriptions and these kids know how to get them. Speaking on Monday on his podcast Firebrand, the Fort Walton Beach Republican suggested that easy access to mind-altering drugs are making both society more dangerous and drug makers more wealthy and I challenge anybody to argue with that statement. You are correct, sir.

My stock and fucking Pfizer is shooting through the roof. Sure there's a couple of shootings but look at the shoes I got at Tom McCann's? Fucking idiot. The GOP congressman noted that Democrats instinctively and reflexively blame gun owners and Second Amendment proponents for these shootings. But the answer is not that simple, you get, adding, what if the culprits are pharmaceutical executives? Well, they've done a whole documentary on that. Creepy what they do. And, you know what I mean? Encouraging doctors to write prescriptions. They're dead inside, man.

We know that. And I'm not one of these guys that shits over big corporations. Everybody, you know, that's the far left. It's a big corporate. How did you get to work today? By a car that was made by a big corporation. Shut up. My first question would be

are these people on SSRIs, I am, for selective serotonin uptake inhibitors? I think I'm on. That's Lipitor, isn't it? I cut that with my cocaine and then I snip it off a 71-year-old strip his tits.

A type of antits. Yeah. A type of antidepressant. Are they taking, who isn't on antidepressants? I hate people who, I had to. I told you, I went to the, I've told this story before. I went to the doctor's with my wife. And she went up to the glass counter because she was having something done. And this Latino girl just went like this to my wife. Hand in the face while she was on the, and it set me off and I went fucking nuts.

Told the story before. Calling her and effing, you know what, right in the waiting room in front of a bunch of people. The doctor comes out and grabs me by the arm and pulls me. He goes, what's going on? He goes, what are you here for? I go, depression. He started giggling.

It's a true story. When I was living in Westchester, New York. Anyways, I've embarrassed my wife many times in public. Recently, I can't remember. Anyways, are they taking anti-anxiety medications or antidepressants? We are the most drugged up generation in all of human history. Robert Plant said, I'll argue that point. in all of human history. Robert Plant said, I'll argue that point.

And these drugs are being handed out like candy, not behind some Walmart or some street corner, but by Big Pharma, Getz says. Yes, sir. And Big Pharma knows there are a lot of side effects to these drugs. So does every comedian. Can't hear another one of those bits. Even Cat Williams.

Cat Williams, black. I love him. I love Cat. He's like a funny pimp. Oily discharge, man. Oh, I can't do it. Fucking Crowder nails Cat Williams. Oily discharge. He's coming out of a black dude, baby. Of side effects of these drugs, they push that can, the side effects can push that cause psychosis, even make feelings of suicide, depression, and violence all the more acute. And it says that right in the things. So this is a legitimate question. Not saying he's totally right, but gets asserted that many mass shooters are on these drugs or were for some long period of time.

That's easily provable. or war for some long period of time, that's easily provable. La la la. Instead of thoughtful parenting or behavioral modification, as once may have been used on a troubled youngster, the go-to response now is converting to some sort of chemical solution. It seems the more we take drugs for our mental health care, the more mentally unhealthy we become. Is he wrong on any of this yet? Maybe they have to sell the virus before they sell the antidote. Great point, right? And that's what happens. Same with cholesterol medication.

They move the standard of high cholesterol. It used to be, you know, they'd have to find a stick of butter in an x-ray stuck in your aorta before they'd give you pills, you know? Now it's like if you've got a slight double chin, oh, you'd fuck, you know. I know that. I've taken that shit too, and I've taken myself off it because I read stuff.

Or he added, maybe the whole regime of Big Pharma is built on this fiction that they have to convince us that we are so broken and fragile and frail that we have to take these drugs forever to be functioning in society. And I'm right on the money he was the best guy around i might need new headphones i'm only hearing that in like one unless it's my anyways don't worry about it folks don't worry about it we air the warts at all you're looking at one that's how we roll that's how we roll. So all legitimate points. Here's my theory.

You know how kids now, there's so much fentanyl coming over every day. Literally hundreds of thousands, most of young kids dying every last couple of years because of the fentanyl. And it's not just when they snort cocaine and other drugs. Now it's when they take an Adderall, an oxycodone. That's French, like chicken codon bleu. When they take legitimate, you know, legitimate prescription, not prescription, but they bum a Xanax from somebody and they die. I would think that would finally, after, what, a couple years of that,

it would act as a deterrent And young kids be like I'm not fucking taking anything but I Guess not kids. I wouldn't be touching this shit All I did was snort. You know what baby aspirin in high school It's a performance enhancing drug It's a performance enhancing drug. You know. Remember that?

Some guys in the NFL smoke weed before the game. A few people will be like, what are you doing? That's not a performance enhancing drug. That's your, you're a strong safety and you know, somebody blows by, you're like, wow, man. Dude, he was flying. Oh yeah, that's my guy. NBA, didn't they make it legal in the NBA if you test positive, it's no biggie?

The brothers love their hooch. I got no problem with that. I can't handle the, I've told the stories. You young, you new people out there, real quick. I came home right after I was out of college, my first job, living with a couple of roommates who liked their weed. You guys have heard this. Bear with me.

I come home. I went to a nightclub that was within walking distance of our apartment with my buddies. They're having a good time. I was like, I'm out of here. I left after a few hours. Come home. I open the fridge.

I'm drunk. And I see a pot of spaghetti sauce. So I boil about a half pound spaghetti. Enough for a fucking family of eight, I swear to God. And I eat the sauce. When I say, I ate it.

It had to be a quarter tomato sauce with the pasta. You know, that's what you do when you're in your 20s. You go right to bed. You don't even see it the next morning. I wake up in the middle of the night. My ears are ringing.

Like, it sounds like a car, like a car horn. I'm laying in my bed. I hear them come in. They go in the kitchen, and I hear my buddy go, he ate the fucking Rasta pasta. And I went, what the fuck? They come in to look at me to make sure I'm alive. Dallas, they're where you are, and they're talking to me.

It sounds like they're yelling from a mile away. Everything was fucked up. Guys, I don't even, when I was young, I didn't like weed. I'm tripping. I am out of my fucking mind. I threw up, and they were like, should we take them to the hospital? I'm like, you poisoned me, you motherfucker. Rasta pasta.

And my buddy, Pot, goes, me and Mikey ate this much, and we're still high. Guys, and I'm not, you think I'm exaggerating. The Super Bowl was like 12 days after that. I was still fucked up. I'm not fucking kidding you. I was so scared. And then I had an incident with an edible a couple years ago. That was 30 years

after this incident. I can't handle this shit. That's my point. I think I'd do fentanyl before I hit a... I can't handle it. Hey, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show. Everyone else, go to nickdapaloshow.com and join to get my full show and Crowder's full show. And more, actually.

And while you're there, get tickets to see me live in St. Louis on April 21 and 22. Daytona Beach, Florida, May 12. And Arlington, Virginia, July 14 and 15. I'll see you guys there. guitar solo I'm out.