The Nick DiPaolo Show - Cruz Humiliates Mayorkas | Nick Di Paolo Show #1418

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Trump attacking DeSantis, a FL murderer and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://NickDiPaoloShow.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 The Antichrist. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood. Welcome to the big show, ladies and gentlemen. How are you? As you can see, I have jaundice or some type of infection from Africa. They give us good shit. You know, AIDS, monkey pox, Al Sharpton. It's 95 degrees.

Has it gone up further? Holding fast at 95. Holding at 95. We had air conditioning problems yesterday, yet we did the show at a balmy 91, I think. And then, you know, I made the call, had to drive over here after the show, after I went home, came back to me, AC guy. Of course, we have a conversation. He goes outside to fix whatever the fuck comes back in.

The compressor was overheating, so I had to shut that off. And your so-and-so was one out, some capacitator or whatever the and I replaced that and we'll turn it back on tomorrow morning I said like what time like 9 I was afraid he's gonna say right in the middle of the show and he goes no probably like 7ish and I went okay and the minute I walked away I go that's never gonna happen he'll forget by the time he gets to the bottom of the stairs he'll get a text from his wife or, because that's how the world fucking works. And sure enough, I came in today thinking I'm going to be a nice, cool studio,

and this is what I see Dallas at work at his desk. This is what I see. No exaggeration. True story. True story. And yeah, bombing 95 right now. And I just know. I just fucking know.

Now, my wife always says, you're so negative. And I'm always fucking right. I'll hear her have a conversation about insurance on the phone. And I'll go, that guy's not going to call you back for a week and a half. And I'll be wrong. It'll be three weeks. I'm fucking, I've been like this since I was in fifth grade. That's why I was voted class pessimist.

And I literally, they made up a superlative for me because I was such a negative guy. I said, I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist. I'm fucking light years ahead of you people. I'm in fifth, sixth grade in how the fucking world works. They don't. Got that from my dad and my grandfather. Real pleasant people to be around.

Dallas knows. Dallas is like me. We're like two fucking old ladies. Dallas will come in. He'll hear a fire engine and go, what the fuck? Turn that down. Anyways, yeah, so that's what, look at this. Fucking, I'm not going to work out today.

Here it is. Got these lights on here. Ooh, I'll tell you. Let me tell you something. I was in rough sheep. I'm all right now. Real quick, Dallas handed me a story. Might as well update it since, you know,

they always accuse Trump of bringing us to the fucking, remember before he became president? He's going to get us into a nuclear war. A little update on what's going on. As we know, the fucking, you know what, the coup banged the UAF to 24 hours. But I'm just updating you on where we are. Heavily armed Wagner Group mercenaries thought to be joining Invengi Progoz in Belarus

will be based close to military bases, which are home to nuclear weapons. An MP and former British Army officer has warned. And Foreign Secretary James Cleverley promised to keep a very, very close eye on the whereabouts of the fighters. What could happen there? That's a bunch of mercenaries being led by a guy who was in prison for 20 years. Nobody can find him, by the way. Uh-oh. Tory Bob Seely told the Commons.

That's British talk. Germans, that's British talk, the latest news, if it is to be believed, is that 8,000 Wagner mercenaries are going to be joining Progozhin in Belarus in a small town called Esopovigy. What is it? Male Speaker 1 in audience. Male Speaker 2 in audience. Male Speaker 1 in audience. Male Speaker 2 in audience.

Male Speaker 2 in audience. Male Speaker 2 in audience. Male Speaker 2 in audience. Male Speaker 2 in audience. Male Speaker 2 in audience. Male Speaker 2 in audience. Male Speaker 2 in audience. Male Speaker 2 in audience.

Male Speaker 2 in audience. Male Speaker 2 in audience. Male Speaker 2 in audience. Male Speaker 2 in audience. Male Speaker 2 in audience. I understand are being built under dictator Alexander Lukashenko's request. I didn't know he was a dictator. He's the guy who was the mediator here. So he's the voice of reason. I didn't know he had notes. Did you? The aisle of, somebody tell Biden, the aisle of white MP added, without wishing to speculate whether this brigade-sized force is going to, in the short to medium term, be a greater threat to Leschenko or to Putin.

Somebody should know that. Will he reassure us that their movements, that this space is going to be very closely monitored, giving its proximity not only to the Russian nuclear weapons, and we've seen the very dual loyalties that the Russian army has towards Wagner, but also now their proximity to NATO borders. So who is going to get us in a fucking World War III? Mr. Cleverley replied, I'm not all sure I'd be very comfortable with 8,000 Wagner fighters being my friends anywhere or anytime soon.

In other words, Putin's got an X on their heads. We have made it absolutely clear to the Belarusian government that we expect them not to be involved and not to facilitate attacks on Ukraine. We will of course keep a very close eye reporting around the look yeah like Nick DiPaolo show well and activity of those Wagner fighters in Belarus. The Wagner mutiny in Russia was an unprecedented attack on Vladimir Putin's authority that exposed cracks in domestic support for the war in Ukraine, Mr. Cleverley said. Now here's Nick with the weather. It's hot as a motherfucker out in there. God damn America. Let's go on to the show. The Don shits on Ron. Former president,

Donnie Trump, who by the way, in my opinion, I've made up my mind, if he's not in jail and he's on the ballot, because he got fucked out of a win, I'm voting for him. As much as I like DeSantis and everybody else. He got fucked out of an election. He put his ass on the line.

Don't get me wrong. If DeSantis wins, I'll be fine with that, too. But I'm just saying. Probably not going to vote because I don't believe in any of it. Former president Donald Trump was unimpressed by Governor Ron DeSantis. Surprise, surprise. Immigration

policy, which he rolled out on Monday noting that the Florida governor would simply do all of the things done by me. He's like a little kid. I did all the shit already. This fucking guy's a hack. I am your voice. DeSantis formally announced his plan to address the U.S. border crisis on Monday

after visiting the southern border over the weekend during an event in Eagle Pass, Texas. On Monday morning, DeSantis previewed a view of the actions he would take, including cracking down on sanctuary cities and finishing the fucking wall. I don't care about the wall. Use blowtorches and the military. You don't need a wall with 10 million strong. Only the chinks can outnumber us. What?

Cut. I didn't mean that. Okay, let's listen to Ron in front of a pond. We are going to end catch and release. We are going to end phony asylum claims and we will do everything we can through executive action. We'll also support legislative initiatives. Why is he dressed like an AC gun? Roy has done. We are going to build a border wall. Walls work. When you have the walls in place, it diverts traffic away from that, and it makes it so that the Border Patrol and ICE are able to do their

job appropriately. Who's the guy on the left? Oh, that's Chip Roy. That was for Chip Roy. He looks like the guy twerking at the Pride Parade. A summary from this. Look at me, guys. I can't even. I'll tell you. Roddy used to do this when he's on a tonight show. A summary from DeSantis office specified even more actions the governor would take, including ending catch and release on my face and reinstating Trump's remain in Mexico policy. Oh, God. Remember that worked.

You had to stay in Mexico until they cleared your eyes. We did because of COVID. That's why that came into it. Anyways, DeSanctimonious showed up today. That's what Ron calls him. Don calls him. Kevin, Sue. I'm all fucking sweaty.

Eagle pass on the Texas border with almost no. He said DeSantis was that eagle pass on the Texas border with almost no, he said, he said DeSantis with the, was that eagle pass on the Texas border with almost no crowd or excitement. Oh, I love this guy. Trump remarked on True Social, calling DeSantis a failed candidate. Jesus.

He's not the one who's fucking about to go to jail. Whose sole purpose in making the trip was to reiterate the fact that he would do all the things done by me in creating the strongest border by far in U.S. history. I don't even know if that's true. People were coming over under your watch, too. So I don't know if it was the strongest in history. I think two days after California was invented might have been. Maybe not.

Mexicans say. DeSantis went on to say, our own government acknowledges that you've had a significant number of people on its own terrorist watch list that have come across the border. And we know there have been a lot of criminal aliens that have come across the border. So this is a huge problem, he said,

explaining that he would fully deputize, I like this move, all state and local governments to be able to enforce immigration law. I love it. Don't you move, you motherfucker. I'll blow your brains out. Exactly. I want to hear some of that. He also said he would designate cartels as either as a transnational criminal organization or foreign terrorist in order to unleash more federal power to be able to kneecap the cartels. Translation, shoot the motherfuckers,

blow up their fucking factories. During that event, I think water is filling the head. I swear to God, that's why it's... During that event, DeSantis also said his administration would take another look at current rules of engagement on the southern border. And so you know, I think you need adequate rules of engagement. If someone was breaking into your house, you would repel them with a use of force, right? DeSantis asked, floating the use of force. Of course I would. I'm in Georgia. Have some lead, Kevin. Tyrone. Fucking Jose. I added Kevin in there for a white guy.

Ooh, I'll tell ya. Anyways, goddammit. Hey, in the second half of the show, I'm going to be talking about maybe the most watch sporting event ever that's supposed to happen, and it involves an octagon, but two guys that you'd be surprised to be in the Octagon you've all probably heard about and I'm gonna be talking about something New York City passed yesterday only Hochul would give it greens light that's gonna make a nightmare for commuters and a cash grab

for that whore stay tuned to that I got some filthiness on that one let's move on shall we? No, no, no, no! These are for my heavy days. Ooh, I'll tell you. In our FLA segment tonight, a Florida, I can't even see, they're burning my eyes with a sweat, a Florida double murderer appeared with the word killer written on his own teeth. I asked for that with my dentist. No, he can't. Pussies. So I had him carve a cunt into my gums. The word killer written on his own teeth. This killer had, this murder had killer. He couldn't, surprised he had enough teeth.

It's a Florida thing. Should have just had, you know, on his teeth in court Monday, where he proceeded to assault his own lawyer. I love our country. Joseph Zeeler, my age, 61. He seems like a nice guy. Oh, my God. That's the face every girl who was raped in the woods saw. That was the last thing she saw. Look at the, you couldn't make a guy scarier than that. Joe Zahler, 61, beckoned his lawyer, Kevin Shirley, don't call me Shirley, over to Spark, to Spark to him, to speak to him after entering court

in handcuffs for a pre-sentencing hearing over the murders out of an 11-year-old girl and her babysitter. This piece of shit killed a babysitter who was 32 and an 11-year-old girl and her babysitter. This piece of shit killed a babysitter who was 32 and an 11-year-old girl years ago, like 27. After learning, after leaning in, I'm sorry, folks, my eyes have sweating. Speak to him, to speak to him. What am I, Russian? After leaning in to speak to him, he said,

give me remote, put back in docking station. You want the fuck here with me now? After learning to speak to him, he said, give me remote. Put back in docking station. You want the fuck here? Would me now? After learning to speak to him, Zyler, who was eventually given the death penalty, suddenly caught Shirley in the face with a violent elbow shot like you see in the NHL playoffs every three minutes, sending him spinning courtroom video shows. This was so interesting to me, I had to do the story on it. First of all, he's the scariest looking fuck, right? This guy makes the Iceman look like a bitch. But, okay, watch this. By the way, I'm for all lawyers getting one of these

at least once in their career. Kevin, look at my teeth. Look at that hairdo. It does not belong in a 61-year-old. Oh! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, my God. Was that not a prison move?

My wife did that to me when I was unloading the dishwasher. She goes, honey, can I talk to you for a second? I leaned in and, bang, woke up with a, you know what, a Tide Pod in my ass. Good night, everybody. That made no sense. Isn't that creepy? You see that elbow smash, though?

Huh? That was right. That's, you know, death row shit. Now you will learn about loss. Loss of humanity. Now you and I will truly be the same, counselor. Zeiler, 61, of North Fort Myers. Holy shit, I played a club there. I think he was heckling me. Carried out the 1990, but 1990 he did this, attack by sneaking into a condominium and finding Robin Cornwell, 11, and babysitter Lisa Story, 32, inside. The child's mother had gone to her boyfriend's home for the night

and returned to the Cape Coral apartment the following day to find her daughter and the babysitter dead. The victims had both been sexually assaulted and beaten before being suffocated. What a piece of fucking garbage. Although the hairdo on the right, she deserved it. No, cut it out, Nick. I'm just saying.

That's every wrestler's hairdo. The case went cold, and I'm kidding, by the way. You know that. What am I? Ooh, I'll tell you. The case went cold, and I'm kidding, by the way. You know that. What am I? Ooh, I'll tell you. The case went cold, unlike us, for more than two decades before new DNA evidence led Zalard to the crime in 2016. He was already in custody for assaulting his stepson when he was charged with a double killing. Jesus Christ, what an animal. You're fucking crazy. Why do you say that? Well, look at your haircut. A jury convicted him of the slangs. Yeah, you don't want to be,

you never want to go to court with killer written on your teeth. It's like Manson went to parole, he had the swastika on his forehead. It doesn't help. A jury convicted him of the slangs of May and recommended the death penalty earlier this month. And because he's white, he'll probably get it. Zahler denied any connection to the crime and testified on his own behalf at his initial trial. How'd that work out? Yeah, exactly. Burn in hell, you piece of cheese. Let's move on, shall we? Ted Cruz, I don't know how I feel about him, torches a Mayorkas in Stephen and Stephen King, the jerk-off liberal lefty who went to my school. I used to see him in the cafeteria. If I knew what I know now, I would have, you know, stuck him with a spork in the eye and say,

right about that, you fucking twat. Anyways, take a look. I'm going to go right to the video. Ted Cruz just ripping at the Mayorkas. We'll watch a minute or two of this, whatever. It was really good. You get in office and that red line are dead bodies. I've been on the Rio Grande and I've seen dead bodies floating there who've drowned. What do you say to the Texas farmers and ranchers who find pregnant ladies dead on their property, who find toddlers dead on their property. What do you say to them? Mr. Secretary, you have just testified to the American people you're incompetent at your job. These are modern day leg irons because these are children being sold into sex slavery, and you don't even know what they are.

What the senator said was revolting. I'm not going to address it. Your refusal to do your job is revolting. Is there a crisis at our southern border? Senator, there is a very significant... That's a yes or no question. There's a very significant... Is there a crisis?

Senator, there's a very significant challenge... This guy's a young John McCain. There is a very significant challenge that we are facing. Yes or no, is there a crisis? What a politician. I believe I've addressed that question. So you're refusing to answer. Senator, there is a very significant challenge and and will you answer if there's a crisis therefore we are

dedicating the resources okay so you're refusing to answer well secretary mayorkas i'll tell you someone who is willing to answer kevin mcgillicud which is your and president biden's chief of the border patrol in a sworn deposition in july of 2022 when asked would you agree chief ortiz that the southern border is currently in crisis answer yes notice none of those wiggle words none of that equivocation one word one syllable yes are you willing to speak with the same clarity as chief ortiz is there a crisis at our southern border yes or no senator i'm very proud to work alongside you refuse to answer Let me ask you another piece of shit. Has the crisis at our southern border made Americans less safe?

Yes or no? Senator, we are dedicated to the safety. Has the crisis made Americans less safe? I don't I don't want a discourse. It's a yes or no question. Senator, we have a challenge. You refuse to answer the question. Not... Mr. Secretary, let me show you how someone doing his job

answers a question in a straightforward manner. Chief Ortiz, is the crisis that is currently ongoing at the southern border making the border less safe for Americans and aliens alike? Answer, yes. One word, one syllable, three letters. That's how someone answers a question and does their job. You're being a politician misleading the American people. Let me give you a chance again.

Will you show the same integrity Chief Ortiz shows? Is the crisis at the southern border making Americans less safe? Yes or no? Senator, we. All right. OK, you need to know anymore. Anything more about that piece of shit? And it could have been him.

It could have been him it could have been anybody in the biden administration just arrogant fuck you we don't have to answer any just scumbags anyways may he die real soon i'm kidding mr mayorkas you seem like a terrific fella also crews ripped into another uh-off liberal, Arthur Stephen King. I'm going to get to that. For you people on Mug Club, stick around for that in the second half of the show. Everyone else, go to nickdopaloshow.com and join to get my full show, Crowder's full show, and a whole lot more. And click on the tour button to see where I'll be performing near you.

And it'll be terrific. There you go. guitar solo Outro Music