The Nick DiPaolo Show - Defense Secretary Austin Was MIA | Nick Di Paolo Show #1506

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about the iPhone that lived, Lloyd's void, Black and Jew and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Wake up, white people. Hi, kids. How you is? Welcome to the show on a filthy Tuesday. Great to be with you again. A little breaking news. I just, I'm reading it because this guy, I used to like him. I was on his show a lot, and he did a lot for me, Mr. Howard Stern.

And, but turned into some type of fucking, again, you can interpret, oh, he reinvented himself, and of course, no, he's saying it's his life coach and his shrinks, and he finally came around. You know, you could say, no, he's just trying to stay relevant while it's working. I don't know why even, guy literally is a billionaire by now. Without Howard Stern, there is no Sirius xm radio or any of that he pays the bill he keeps it alive you wouldn't believe the money they give him anyways howard stern reveals why he was off the air last week he says i just want to announce something notorious germaphobe howard stern revealed to his listeners on monday that he was absent the Sirius XM airwaves last week because he contracted the coronavirus. Stern,

who managed to avoid getting COVID-19 since the pandemic hit the United States by living a hermit-like lifestyle, which you can do when you're a billionaire. We can't. You can't have chefs come into your house and you don't miss a beat when you're that fucking rich. Told his audience on Monday that his luck finally ran out. See if we can get through this show. We are supposed to be back last week. We weren't, Stern said on Monday. His comments were reported by Mediate.

Because I got COVID-19. Stern, 69, cautioned his audience that it is not an illness to be trifled with. I just want to announce something. COVID is really bad. Is he serious? Welcome to the club. I think we've all kind of had it for the past three years. Yeah.

You don't want COVID. Oh, fuck, he says. Stern doesn't say how he contracted the virus. Man, I went through hell. I've really never been this sick, he said. Stern also thanked those who helped develop the vaccine against COVID-19. And there's where he takes a big cockapoo. Thank those guys. Fuck that. Can you imagine Mr. Captain? Remember he was bad-mouthing everybody who didn't get the vaccine and they should be mandated and you're spreading illness.

And you were wrong about all of it, Howard, as much as I like you. You were wrong. Just come on. What's with New York libs? Or any libs, but real New York, L.A. libs. How you can't come out and go, I was wrong. Especially when you're, you know, you've got a big following and you're influential. The media just fucking reports lies left for me every day. But come out and say, you know, get a big following you're influential the media just reports lies

left when every day but come out and say you know i was wrong howard you thank him he's taken the whoa good thing there's vaccines around i'd be dead which what ignorant say because it's all been proven i just have my second brother-in-law have uh ablation ablation uh which you know something to do with your heart, scraping out the — they actually scar — they put scar tissue on purpose and you — whatever the fuck. Anyways, look it up, you cucks. Anyways, my second brother-in-law, both of them had the jab. Both were fine before that.

Hey, do I know 100 percent? Yeah, I do. No, I don't. I'm just saying. Want to bet? Last summer, Stern revealed that his paranoia over getting COVID led to arguments with his wife, Beth Stern. I'm going crazy with this, Stern said at the time.

My wife yelled at me last night. We got into a fight. The self, again, welcome to the club. The self-proclaimed king of all media added, you know how paranoid I am about getting COVID? I haven't gotten it and I'm pretty safe and I really don't want to get it. Last year, Stern's friend Bill Maher, the host of Real Time, wondered aloud whether he would get a chance to hang out with his buddy in the post-pandemic era.

The HBO star said he's unsure whether Stern will ever leave the house due to his well-documented fear of being exposed to the virus. I have a long-storied history, ups and downs with that man, and I find it so sad these days that I can't see him because of the pandemic. Again, this was back when the pandemic was. Maher lamented during an interview with comedian Kevin Nealon. We don't agree on that, Maher said. Not that I think it has made us not like each other.

Stern is frequently last out of critics who accused him of going woke. I said, not that I think it has made us not like each other. Stern has frequently laughed out at critics who accused him of going woke, saying that he wears the title proudly and touting his intake of the COVID-19 vaccine. Even still, that's what I don't get. Yeah, but I would have died without it. Well, there's no proof of that of that Actually there's fucking the opposite proof It's called immunity And I've got it a few times

So I don't know how much immunity But you get over it like the flu Like anything else So quit being a puss Howard Admit you were fucking wrong Because there's a million people who did get it The vaccine and admit they were wrong about it why don't you do that and influence your followers he says and if i and if woke means i can't get behind trump see now it comes back to trump

which is what i think it means or that i support people who want to be transgender or i'm for the vaccine dude call me woke as you fucking want he said that on an on-air rant in September anyways whatever sorry Howard you were wrong keep getting those shots though and enjoy your fucking fibulator or your pacemaker or your iron lung whatever the fuck else Is going to go wrong with you How much evidence do you need? Aye yi yi Joe Rogan was right

About the ivermectin And all those doctors That came out Remember? All those international doctors They blocked him on I mean how much Wake up

You like celebrity that much? I wish I had some Achoo Ah the homosexuals Oh no no You like celebrity that much? I wish I had some. Achoo. Ah, the homosexuals. Oh, no, no. It's a different disease. Get with it.

Get with it, cheese dick. Anyways, it's a bird. Did I even say welcome to the show and all? Yes. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's a goddamn iPhone. What? That was the headline. Among the harrowing details — this is an update on the story we did yesterday of the

Alaska Airlines plane and the door blowing off slash window. Among the harrowing details of the blown-off fuselage panel that triggered a sudden decompression event on Alaska Airlines flight 1282, one revelation seemed to defy the laws of physics. One of the mobile phones that had been sucked out of the Boeing plane, 737 MAX 9, Jets cabin, remained in functioning condition after a 16,000-foot tumble. Oh, boy, is this great. Yeah, that's the head of PR at Apple how the fuck is that I dropped

mine off my dining room table it shatters it to fucking a thousand pieces it's fun under the carpet onto the carpet shag carpet from the 70s it landed on the dog bed which had a pillow on it and two young kids under it. What? A new generation Apple Inc. iPhone landed intact. See, they mentioned that. This might be another brilliant plan. I don't know. Unlocked. Look, it landed unlocked and with hours of battery life left remaining on a Portland, Oregon roadside is where it landed, according to a post on X by a user calling himself Dent Head. Calling himself Jonathan Bates. Oh, that's cute.

Who said he discovered the device. The screen showed an email from Alaska Airlines about a baggage claim for the flight based on Bates' photos. Again, probably happened, or a tremendous marketing, right? It landed with a picture of Steve Jobs with his kids holding up a,

the phone was in airplane mode. Well, that was the problem if it wasn't it would stay right now but don't ever put on it it's all can't take off unless they're on airplane do you guys really believe that you really trust the rest of the heads you see people on the plane fart and get in a fist fight you really believe they oh who better put it on i don't want to interfere with the tower suck Suck it. The phone was on airplane mode. Hello? Bates said in a TikTok video.

Hello? Anybody there? No. It was still pretty clean. No scratches on it. What? Once again. I threw mine on my fucking comforter and it scratched.

Sitting under a bush. Oh, let's not go there. And it didn't have a screen lock on it. The National Transportation Safety Board, that's the NTSB, to you and I, confirmed at a briefing on Sunday that one phone was found on the side of the road and another in a yard. The people have handed both of the devices and they handed them in. NTSSV chair Jennifer Homendy told reporters, we'll look through those, I'm doing her voice, and then return them.

Because any girl in power sounds like this. No, I'm kidding. To passengers, Homendy said, it also, well, it's nice to know you're not going to keep them. What the fuck are you, an asshole? It also helps in telling us, are we looking in the right area? Isn't that amazing?

They know. They were going from Portland, again, to Ontario, California. What a liberal shithole flight that was. Glad it happened to you. I wish I could fucking, eh, never mind. But they said a little kid got his shirt sucked off the... I want to see the kid. No, I'm not. I don't want to look at it. I just want to see if it really happened. I don't want to see him like the Pope would want to see him. Hey, where's your shirt, kid? Try on my hat. What?

Hey, in the second half of this show, I'll be talking about what an MSNBC host did on air live that'll make you want to seriously puke blood. It made me just shake with anger, as they say. Also, a pro baseball player who's in deep doo-doo, give you a hint, he used to play for Tampa Bay. He was a shortstop, tattoo on his neck. Well, he likes the young ones like Bill Clinton, apparently. And he's in deep doo-doo. Didn't show up in the Dominican Republic for a court hearing and shit. Anyways, the Red Sox are trying to get him.

No. They should. Yeah, so that's exclusively on Mug Club. If you want to join that, go to nickdip.com. Could you, please? Would you? Would you, please? It, go to nickdip.com. Could you, please? Would you? Would you, please? It'll be well worth your while.

Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. I've been lucky on the planes, basically. Had one when I was in college football, we were were flying from Maine to Pennsylvania or something. The plane dropped like 10,000 feet in a second. It was the fucking scariest, weirdest feeling.

I thought it was over. I saved the underwear. Big fucking Talladega streak on that. Anyways, Lloyd left a void. What are you talking about, Nick? You know Lloyd. Lloyd Austin. Former President Donald Trump called on the Biden administration to fire Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, a black fellow who really don't like America that much. Again, we appreciate, right, his service and shit, but he's woke. He's like Stern. After he failed to inform the White House that he was hospitalized as wars continue to rage in Gaza and Ukraine, and Trump says,

get him out of there. You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. You're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired the republican presidential front runner said austin should be fired immediately for improper professional conduct in dereliction of duty their election he has been missing for one week and nobody included me and i know everybody well almost everybody they say i know everybody And nobody, including me, and I know everybody, well, almost everybody, they say I know everybody. And nobody, including his boss, Crooker Joe Biden, had a clue as to where he was or might be. Trump wrote on Truth Social. You believe that shit?

I don't know nothing about that. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. Can you imagine? The president doesn't know where the defense secretary is. And like I said, we're in World War III, whether you guys don't know it or not. It's already, you know, we're already shooting shit out of the sky. They're attacking shipping lanes. Not to mention Ukraine and all the other fucking hotspots that Joe created.

And he doesn't know where his defense is because he doesn't know where he is. Oh, my goodness. Trump says this about... I love that picture. I had a friend... I look over-lit today, Dallas, on this one. I don't know why. I look like I have makeup on, and I'm not.

I don't. Anyways, you think it's a little bright? No? All right. Fuck you. I had a buddy named John Barberry who I grew up with, and he was as funny as anybody like most kids from Massachusetts. He would make that stupid face. He was in all my classes, you know, like in junior high, and he would do this every time we had a test.

He would, every time I would look, he'd be doing that. I don't know how he knew I was going to look. Every time I'd look, he'd be, it was even dumb that he was like this. And I would start losing my shit during the test many times. You guys didn't need to know that. He has performed poorly, Trump said, and should have been dismissed and whipped like a bull. That's racist shit. Trump's always got young broads around him, smiling like,

I want to bite his ball sack, he's got money in it. He has performed poorly and should have been dismissed along with General Mark Milley. How can you be in the military and be taken seriously when your name's Milley? For any reasons, but in particular the catastrophic surrender in Afghanistan, perhaps the most embarrassing moment in the history of our country, Trump added. Trump's pointed comments came as it was revealed that not even Austin's deputy, Kathleen Hicks, was told that the Secretary of Defense was rushed to the intensive care unit, I didn't know it was like an emergency, of Walter Reed Army Medical Center on New Year's Day, CNN

reports. So it's got to be true, scumbags. How is that possible, though? Seriously. Oh, my God. I'll tell you how. We don't know who's running the country. And I'll say it again, it's a handful of AOC types who have no idea.

I picture Liz Warren, the squad, all those douchebags. Because it's that radical what they're trying to do. I'm sure the left laughs at that, but I don't give a fuck. Eight million people pouring over the border unvetted. You know, you're doing a good job. He also failed to inform, this is Milley I'm talking about, I mean Lloyd Austin, he also failed to inform President Biden for three days that he was in the hospital and had assigned at least some of his duties to Hicks, who was on a, she was on a scheduled vacation in Puerto Rico.

Oh. How can you do that? Lloyd Austin, is that it? All right. I think we got it. No need. I think it was dereliction of duty, and the secretary and the administration, frankly, need to step forward and give the American people the facts. Now, Mr. Trump, why would you think they'd do that when they haven't done that in three and a half years?

Why do you think they'd ever come clean with just how much they've fucked up in the last few years? By the way, he's hemorrhaging young voters, Latino voters, so good luck. And again, here's what I'm worried about, and I think I said this a long time ago. Let's say Trump does win the next one. You really think that's going to go down smooth? You think the left's going cuckoo now? You think we're divided now? Wait till Trump wins. You think the left's going cuckoo now? You think we're divided now?

Wait till Trump wins if he's not in jail. Oh, my God. What are they going to do? What's left? Balkanization. Balkanization. Dallas, you can't split off to Italy. We need help over here.

You know how to use a gun, don't you? Anyhow, that's that. Don't forget the game yesterday that I forgot what day it was. Don't forget the game that you watched last night. Oh, help me, Father. Headline, black and Jew, you know, like black and blue. You like that, folks? I didn't think so. Yonkers.

Yonkers is a nice ethnic city, a little north of New York City. I love the name. Yonkers. It looks like the name, like it sounds. Did you know that Steven Tyler was born in Yonkers? like it sounds. Did you know that Steven Tyler was born in Yonkers? Yonkers canned a high school girls basketball coach and booted a player off the team after an ugly, and I mean ugly, anti-semitic incident at a recent game against a Jewish high school. A girl's Jewish basketball team.

I didn't. That's good. That's progress. Why, Nick? I don't know. Jew broads. They could own the whole neighborhood. Come on, Henry.

I'm trying to bang this broad. The Thursday night game between the LaFell School, a private Jewish school, and boy, what a power they have. Becky Buckowitz. A private Jewish school in Hartsdale, in Roosevelt High School, a public school in Yonkers, need we say more? I knew reading the headlines, I knew the colors, I knew who the people were going to be. I just fucking knew because I'm racist

and also right every fucking time. Here's Whoopi Goldberg in high school. They blurred her face. I don't know why. In Roosevelt High School, a public school in Yonkers ended early after some kids from Roosevelt. There's a Roosevelt high that Howard Stern went to in Long Island that was like an all-black school.

That's why he wasn't afraid to go hard on the race shit. Anyways, from Roosevelt, the black kids from Roosevelt shot anti-Semitic slurs at their opponents. No, no. Some black kids that weren't raised that well? No. Including one who allegedly said, I support Hamas, you fucking Jew. Can you imagine yelling at, hates Jews, hates Jews, and she did it as she was dunking behind her head. That's what, no. Security guards had to escort LaFell school players,

the Jewish girls, off the court following the hostile contest. On Sunday, Yonkers Public Schools Interim Superintendent Dr. Luis Rodriguez and City Mayor Mike Spano issued a joint statement denouncing the hatred and apologizing for the vitriol the visiting team faced. They should. I apologize. What's the matter with you? Sorry. The fuck is the matter with you? I'm sorry. What the fuck is the matter with you? I'm black.

The game went off the rails almost immediately with substantially more jabs and comments thrown at the players on our team than what I have experienced in the past. Senior player Robin Bosworth wrote in an op-ed for the Lions Roar, LaFella student-run newspaper, the Yonkers kids played rough, and throughout the contest, they yelled, free Palestine. Oh, okay, these kids are that ignorant, right? They can't read and write.

It's a public school from New York, so that's not my opinion. It's facts. Yet they know this shit. That's how fucking the left has just... And they wouldn't even be able to identify it on a map. That's right. They can't find me a high school on a map. Free Palestine and other anti-Jewish statements, Botherworth.

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