The Nick DiPaolo Show - Dems Play Zelensky | Nick Di Paolo Show #1701

Episode Date: March 3, 2025

In this episode Nick talks about the Dems Prepping Zelensky, SNL Unfunny and more! To watch FULL EPISODES and get ALL RUMBLE PREMIUM content AD FREE, join by clicking the link below, then the red RUMBLE PREMIUM button – enter Promo Code MUGCLUB and get $10 off an annual subscription! https://rumble.com/c/TheNickDiPaoloShow/exclusive MERCH - https://shop.nickdip.com/ TOUR DATES AND MORE - https://nickdip.com 4/25/2025 - Cohoes Music Hall, Cohoes, NY 5/15-16/2025 - Zanies, Rosemont, IL SOCIALS -   https://nickdipaolo.komi.io/

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Please gamble responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact CONNECTS ONTARIO at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BETT MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. I'm a man! What's the matter with you? I am. Stop. That stung. Hi folks.

How you is? Excuse me. God damn it. Please come to Denver with the snowfall. Hey, how you doing? What's going on? Anything good this weekend? What you do? Do you have sex? Did you go to the market? Did your wife drag you to Target? What'd you do? Anything? What did I do? I don't know. All I know is I got an appointment with a sleep doctor. I can't get there fast enough.

What in God's... If I don't have fucking... Dude, if I don't fix this, I'm serious. If I don't... And I'm guessing this is how my old man... Because I'm... First, one of the leading things of dementia is not having restorative sleep.

I had a physical. I go to the doctor, I go, yeah, I sleep. I'll sleep seven hours, I don't even do that anymore now. I don't know why I'm waking up at four and not getting back to sleep and having to rub one out. That's a lot of work in the middle of the night. My elbow. Honey, I'm not coming in there, what? Anyways, yeah, so it leads to dementia and I can tell if I can the

next day I don't know it's creepy I don't like it gotta get it fixed I think it's sleep apnea but whatever what the fuck am I talking about what happened since we've been together last a lot of of stuff. How was the trip? Real quick, what was the trip to California? You shot your shit, Dallas? Yep, shot my shit. Did I tell you Dallas is doing snuff films? He's the lead. Puts on a wig. Yeah, literally flew in Wednesday night, shot it for about five, six hours on Thursday. And then that evening, got on a midnight flight back to Georgia.

Sounds like the life of a comedian. Only he'd go to another state or another city first, then contemplate suicide in a La Quinta Inn as he looks out the window. They put the room. Carmichael always gets the room right by the ice machine. I swear to God, hotels call a hotel's call each other. Your ice machine, what's it sound like? Sounds like a wood chipper, perfect. The parlor was

just at the funny bone here. Put them next to that. Every fucking time, it's like a running joke. Then you go to these small towns and you go, yeah, I'll take the, they go, we upgraded your room to a suite and you get there. It's a handicap thing Because that's like the biggest room in the shitty hotel. You're in there doing fucking gymnastics routine in this shower I'm doing an iron cross. I'm taking a shit. Oh My god, what a life folks What else did I do been off for a long time a few days?

My bro, ones are going down the toilet. I think they're gonna blow up the team this week Red Sox a lot of anticipation I just feel like the Oscars. I bumped into him last night by accident. I haven't watched them for why would you? Why would you watch a bunch of rich people jerking each other off that hate you and everything you stand for? Conan hosted Conan's a good guy, folks. I think he's playing the game. I'm not, he went to Harvard. I'm not saying he's not a lib, but he's not a jerk off about it. I've did a show many times and he's a likable good dude.

And he hosted and a little bit I saw he was funny, you know. But the other shit, the other shit that they're celebrating, oh, best supporting actress, it's always three girls and a, three white girls and a black girl, oh, who's gonna win this one? Eh, you know, and they go nuts when the black girl wins and fucking, oh, they live in their own little wet dream. That shit is so dated since Trump got,

it's hilarious that they're stuck in that, I said the Dallas, it's like little kids having a little, like, yeah, it's Thanksgiving, all the kids are in the living room being loud, but they're stuck in that box. I said to Dallas, it's like little kids having a little, like here it's Thanksgiving, all the kids are in the living room being loud but they're playing the little games and the adults are like, just let them play. We just ignore them. They'll take a nap later on. It looks so silly and dated and antiquated.

It's just, oh, I can't, anyways. Arianda Grande, what's her name, Ariane? I don't even know her fucking name. She looks like she's been puking up every meal she's had for the last four years. She's like a fucking Holocaust victim in a dress. Ah. Shoulder bones are sticking out, ah.

Oh my God, people with eating disorders, fruit cups. All right, I better shut up now. It's the beginning of the show. If I say the fag word, I'll be banned for life. Let's get right to the politics. A lot has happened. And I know you guys have all heard about this, all seen the clips.

But it was too big. People are still yapping about it, about Zelensky, his trip to the White House, where he was supposed to sign a deal with Trump, you know, and about minerals, and Zelensky changed his mind at the last second, apparently. You know why? This is the headline. Dems prepped Zelensky before he crashed and burned.

Before meeting Trump, Zelensky met with an anti-Trump Democrat who advised him to reject the terms of the mineral deal the President was offering according to jerk-off asshole Retarded maggot sent it to Chris Murphy of Connecticut You know can I ask a question at what point is it's not two parties Disagreeing anymore at what point is it one party literally? It's not two parties disagreeing anymore. At what point is it one party literally trying

to do the worst it can for the American people? Literally proactively anti-American. At what point don't you go, we have to shut you down? How long do we have to play this game? They have no interest in doing the right thing, especially since Doge came along and all their fucking bread and butter is drying up and they are panicking and they don't agree and it's true since Trump came down the eschel.

They haven't agreed to a thing he has said. It's one thing to disagree here and there like Newt Gingrich used to with Tip O'Neill but that sit down and hash it out. That's not that anymore. It's America versus what's worse for America, what's bad for America. It's that simple. People better stop fucking going to jail. That's all I anymore. It's America versus what's worse for America, what's bad for America. It's that simple. People better stop fucking going to jail. That's all I'm gonna say. Just finished a meeting with President Zelensky here in Washington.

He confirmed that the Ukrainian people will not support a fake peace agreement. This is Murphy talking. Where Putin gets everything he wants and there are no security arrangements for Ukraine. Murphy's office posted at 11.15 a.m. on Friday. He attached a picture of Zelensky at a conference table with Murphy seated on the opposite side.

40 minutes later, Zelensky met with President Trump and things went sideways in a real hurry. Excuse me, they have a different definition of raising your voice than I do. They were saying this was so uncivil and shit. I mean, yeah, I guess this is, I've seen louder shouting matches. You know what I mean? Fucking had a Girl Scout troop and I was looking in the window.

What? Cut. What'd I say? Anyway, so yeah, there was disagreements. JD Vance jumped in nicely. This is what a vice president supposed to do by the way and Trump waited It's fucking beautiful. I think it dawned on Trump and JD I think it dawned on him in the middle of the meeting that this motherfucker just met with the Democrats and this is what we're hearing

And like yeah, so let's check out the video. You've seen it but it's still entertaining as hell. You should be thanking the president for trying to bring it into this conflict. Have you ever been to Ukraine that you say what problems we have? I have been to... Come once. I have actually, I've actually watched and seen the stories and I know what happens is you bring people, you bring them on a propaganda tour Mr. President,

do you disagree that you've had problems bringing people into your military? And do you think that it's respectful to come to the Oval Office of the United States of America and attack the administration that is trying to prevent the destruction of your country? A lot of questions, let's start from the beginning. Sure. First of all, during the war Everybody has problems even you but you have nice ocean and don't feel now But you will feel it in the future pause pause

Now I took that as a veil threat and apparently so did Trump What if you guys don't pick up on it what he's saying is you know work by the way we're saving his ass It's true without that went on America and our money saving his ass, it's true. Without the, without America and our money, which a ton of it has disappeared, he's, he's, he's got nothing. He's done. We all know that but him apparently. But what he just said there, you, you have two nice oceans. What he's saying is you've been protected, you haven't, you haven't had war on your land yet. That's what he's fucking saying and you will in future you know in other words he's saying we're bordered with Russia it's a whole which

is true it's a whole different story but how dare you come to the people that are trying to save your ass even I fucking know that I'm gonna obviously a geopolitical guy but that was like I took that as this is where Trump pops in good you don't know that God bless you don't tell us what we're gonna feel What the heck is that? And this is where Trump pops in. You're going to feel very good. You're going to feel very good and very strong. He's talking over Trump. You're right now not in a very good position. And Trump's good about it. You're laughing yourself to be in a very bad position and he happens to be right about it.

From the very beginning of the war, Mr. Brown, I was... You're not in a good position. You don't have the cards right now. With us you start having cards. I'm not playing cards. I'm very serious, Mr. President. You're playing cards. You're gambling with the lives of millions of people seeing you gambling with World War three you're gambling with World War three and what you're doing is very disrespectful to the country this country I'm that's

back to you that far more than a lot of people said they should have. Have you said thank you once? What he said is, have you said thank you once? And he said, I said, thank you all the time, which he has, but not he meant, then JD said, I mean, since you got here, what she didn't. Meanwhile, he was before, while Trump was trying to win the presidency, this jerk off his campaign with the Democrats over. Got a lot of fucking shrieks Whatever he's a little in over his head. I mean he's a comedian for Christ's sake maybe I'll sit down with the

Fucking Hamas Go listen nobody likes to choose either. No anyways That's it right for the clip the earlier meeting with the Dems undercuts wild claims that Trump and Vice President J.D. Vance staged an ambush. In fact, it was Zelensky who came in with an ulterior motive. The purpose of the meeting was to sign the Mineral Agreement.

He and Trump and representatives negotiated. He had twice refused to sign it after promising to. And thanks to Murphy, we now know he had no intention of signing it on Friday in a perverse way Murphy and the Dems got the outcome They wanted the fireworks at the White House gave them an excuse to replay their Russia Russia Russia hoax So they played him like the fiddle You know and that's what happens when comedians go into real jobs going to real jobs. The guy's interesting. You gotta, I mean, fucking, but I see all the shit online now. I don't know what to believe anymore with AI and stuff. And we know he was a comic, but he, they show him doing all this gay stuff, stripping and shit.

Did you see all this down there? Huh? It is weird. And I read he's got he owns Four houses over here or something one of them's What did they say I can't remember how much a month but he's got a ton of money and he's a big phony I don't know who to believe what to believe But once again, just remember this taxpayers. We send all that money to DC, right? And then DC says, yeah, we're sending billions to Ukraine, right? And we don't know how many billions. And then what's his name says, we didn't get 200 billion from America, we got 77 billion. And you don't think everybody's lining their pockets?

It's the fucking, so the guy is not that dumb. I mean, but he's a fucking liar. Trump's the only one. I love it. Trump's the only one that seems like he's playing fair. They're trying to. He's the only one that doesn't want war. A and B, you want all this money from us. You've taken all this money from us. And what have you given us in return? No one. What have you intended to give us in return. Yeah well that's because he was dealing with Biden. Exactly. And you'd do the same. He knew he was dealing with a dummy who couldn't think for himself and the people surrounding that dummy were young fucking kids right in the United States. So he fleeced them like you should but now he's got a guy who's arguably the best businessman ever. Everything's a negotiation. And like Trump said, and it's not because he's a Russian, you've, boy, you guys got nothing on the left. You're still using that. This is great. Republicans will be in power for the next hundred years to

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with iGaming Ontario. Now let's move on to SNL, which again, I just wanted to check in because I knew this was gonna be a sketch and sure enough, obviously, I wanted to see how they handled it and see maybe if they've upgraded, you know Saturday night live is being dragged for its classless skip. It says skip not skit

again AI on President Trump and Ukrainian president Zelensky's heated Oval Office meeting including a goofy appearance by Mike Myers He took time to stop sleeping with his mother ever see his wife. Ooh As he played Elon Musk by the way. He did it funny. The cold open attempted to spoof the tense meeting between the two leaders this past week in which Trump warned Zelensky that he was gambling with World War III. It would be funny if no one puked in my mouth when I did that. But critics on social media slammed the scene as not funny and class. Well, it depends what your politics are I always try to be fair. They're a bunch of liberal jerk-offs. They got nothing the dumb parties got nothing

So they go to their old trick that Trump's stupid be about but I understand that so but but if you're if you believe in That shit you're a damn and you vote them you think some of these jokes are funny I'd give them credit for that but but but none of it's really true. That's what makes it stupid I'd give him credit for that. But not if it's really true. That's what makes it stupid. You know, when you do satire and shit like that, you're supposed to go after the truth and the power. And they don't do that.

Again, it's just another reason there's shit on Trump and JD Vance and the Republicans. And another funny thing that I love, in this sketch, JD Vance is played by that fucking obnoxious Asian guy. Yeah. Good, real good take on JD Vance. He's gay and Asian. We'll try to ignore that.

I always wondered, like, British singers can lose the British accent when they're singing songs. It sounds just like they grew up in New York. But this gay guys can't lose that lisp when they're doing a sketch. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Whoever's watching it, fucking Google. YouTube, wherever your problem is.

Anyways, here's a little bit of this sketch. President Trump hosted Ukrainian President Zelensky at the White House and it went really, really well. Everyone who watched fell at ease and thought the world is now a safer place. So now, it's a replay of their historic press conference. Right away, the take, the setup is wrong. It was Biden that put us in this position. Hello, everyone. It is I, President and CEO of Gaza Hotel and Casino.

That doesn't really get wrong. And I'd like to welcome President Zelensky here to this incredible trap. It's going to be a big, beautiful trap, and we're gonna attack him very soon for no reason, right, JD? Watch out, because this kitty's got claws. Rar! Pause. Yeah, pause. Yeah, that's... That's the...

The minute I hear that, I go, that's a good JD. He seems just like a Marine. Rar! Ugh. You ruined it again. Go ahead. And Marco Rubio's here too. Little Marco. Little Marco, are you excited to attack our European ally?

No, English. De nada. Before we get started, I'd like to thank President Zelensky for dressing like Casual Star Trek. We love Star Trek because there's no DEI. The white guy was the leader

and he bossed around Spock who I believe was Guatemalan. We love that. President Zelensky. Pause. See, now what's funny is they're laughing for the whole different reason I'm laughing. I'm like, yeah, there actually was DEI stock.

You had a black girl, you had whatever the fuck, right? So again, false. Go ahead. You wanna say a few words? Maybe tell Mr. Putin how much you love him and that you're sorry you invaded Russia. Maybe offer him one night with your wife. Mr. President, with all due respect.

Excuse me? I'm sorry, what? I'm sorry, I'm going to jump in here, because that's how we plan this. What happened to thank you, okay? Remember thank you? You haven't said thank you to us once the past 15 seconds up in the year.

Pause, you know what's funny? They're going, because this is how we planned it. Like they ambushed him and it was the other way around. The Dems got with fucking wrong about everything. I'm sorry, when I watch comedy, I sorta try to stick to the fucking reality. Doesn't always have to be, obviously, but with something like this, it's just, doesn't

this seem antiquated to you? Go ahead. It didn't age me. I said thank you. You didn't say it now! But you didn't say it now when you walked in here! You didn't say thank you! Exactly!

What's your point? That's a joke. You didn't say anything about us being handsome? Who are my handsome little boys? You didn't have to stop once! Look, he's right. And we're very handsome, okay? Our time is up.

We're going to be back. We're going to be back. We're going to be back. We're going to be? You didn't have to stop once. Look he's right and we're very handsome okay. Our ties are matching and they're growing frankly by the minute. We don't even have to dust in here anymore. The ties sweep away the dust and yet you don't compliment the ties. You don't say thank you. You don't tell us how hot we look, okay? You don't say if I was gay I'd be all over you too. Okay? And we're supposed to help you?

But if I could just say... You have been talking this entire time! I'm sorry, does the sign outside say Ukraine House? No, it says America House. Oh, oh man, look at Rubio over there, fully dissociating. It looks like Homer Simpson disappearing into that hedge. To quote the late, good Tom Petty, he's free falling. Sorry if I... You know, you say you want to end this war, but frankly you don't have the cards, okay?

I have the cards, alright? I have skip, I have draw four, I have reverse, I have get out of jail free, the Supreme Court gave me that one. I have Pikachu and Charmander and Charizard. Fuck you and everything. Anyways, that's my take. You know, I mean, of course, that's what you're going to expect from SNL. But I just thought Colin Jost and those guys who are pretty bright guys

would think it would be important to kinda, you're supposed to read the rule, meaning the country, the zeitgeist, and not stick to whatever. But you keep doing that. The numbers should. Anyways, folks, go to nickdepalo.com, nickdip.com, if you can't spell Italian. And click on the Tor button.

You'll see that April 25, I'll be at the Cahos Music Hall in Cahos, New York. And then May 15 and 16, Zanies in Rosemont, Illinois. We moved to Albuquerque. We tried to pair it with something else in, I think, June or whatever. So May 15 and 16, Zanies in Rosemont, Illinois. Can't wait.

Such a good club. And if you want to support the show, buy this garbage. I mean this stuff. No, it's actually good stuff. Wife has a different Nick DePaul t-shirt on every night when she goes to bed. One of them was Chappelle, but it looked like me. Anyways, yeah, all kinds of stuff.

T-shirts, hats, water bottles, again, plastic hips, fake feet. You guys can watch full episodes of my show, Lotto with Crowderder and all exclusive Rumble content ad free with one subscription. So join Rumble Premium and to promo code Mug Club. Mug Club one word to get $10 off annual subscription. Hi, good night everybody. I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man

I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man

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