The Nick DiPaolo Show - DeNiro Gives Abysmal Performance | Nick Di Paolo Show #1577

Episode Date: May 29, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Cohen the GLOAT, Deniro's Denial, Screw Wu and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore! Hello, everybody. Welcome to the show on a Wednesday. Good to be with you. State of Georgia. It's hot out there. It's already hot, isn't it? 90-something already. And me and Dallas have a beef because we work in an office building that's not that big. Eight, ten businesses in it or some shit like that. And there's only about 15 spots out front. And usually, you know, they've been open since I've been coming here for four years or whatever. But all of a sudden, there's a bunch of kind of Latino-looking dudes hanging out and other cars pulling up. And it's starting to get a little fuller and fuller. Now they're parking on the fucking grass.

Luckily, I waited three minutes and this guy backed out. But I just felt like whining. We fucking work here. I pay rent here. So, and, yeah, this is just, and again,. We fucking work here. I pay rent here. So, and yeah, this is just, and again, it's a small beef, but again, it's, I don't recognize these guys. They look fresh off the boat.

And the timing is very suspect as well when you consider the rush of all the illegals coming in. That's my point, exactly. I don't want to fucking prejudge, but I'm sure, you know, we're complaining about that. How'd you like to be like, I don't know, in New York City and you can't want to fucking prejudge but uh I'm sure I you know and we're complaining about that how'd you like to be like uh I don't know in New York City and you can't go to a hotel anymore or you're a veteran you're getting booted out of some shelter for some fucking kids from

Guatemala and you know and and look I'm not saying they're fucking here to do bad because at least they're fucking these guys are pretending to work till they kill us. But, you know, I'm going to, I want to fucking, I've pulled into places where it says reserve, you get told it's employees only. And, you know, Black Broad runs this place. I'm sure she'll jump right on it. What do you mean? You heard me. Because we've complained about other shit.

It doesn't really get done. But they get to it eventually. But I'm just saying Show some respect for the citizens of this country How was that? Exactly. Yeah, that's exactly there is a Okay, pasta man Anyways, fuck him

Rangers Florida guys. I know I start every day with a bit a third game in a row that goes into overtime Florida guys, I know, I start every day with a bet. Third game in a row that goes into overtime. That's how evenly these teams are matched. And the Rangers have a goalie named Shesterkin, Russian, who is carrying them on his back. They should be down three games to one. Anybody in New York is probably freaking out right now,

saying, bullshit, Rangers are fucking good. Don't get me wrong. But Florida was mauling them last night. This goalie was standing on his head. And me and Dallas were just discussing, how do you do that? Fucking in pressure, overtime. It's all on you. You're the goalie. The puck's this big.

They shoot it at 95 miles an hour. Hitting, this guy could choke. I'd marry him. I'd get a gay marriage thing, fucking the way he plays. He just fucking starts trouble everywhere he goes and he makes great passes and just one of those guys.

He's just a pest, but he's a great hockey player. Let's get on with, speaking of pests and jerk-offs, the real Joy Reid. Just a quick clip to show you her true colors. You know what those are. She was going into the building or wherever the fuck in New York, and somebody got a hold of her and asked her a couple quick questions, and she showed her true colors.

She's only on camera for 15 seconds, but has to drop an F-bomb. Let's take a look, shall we? Joey, just wondering, do you think people with Trump derangement syndrome know they have it? You're an idiot. And second question, did you steal trump's haircut or did he steal yours she just said you are a fucking idiot appropriation haircut right there he says you stole trump's haircut oh god these blacks who knows where they're gonna take the wrong way that's as nice as she's ever been, though. She actually smiled, you know.

But her hatred is under that faceplate, an eighth of an inch. She hates whitey, and sure. That's not even a story, because Dallas says she's black. Not even a story. Imagine my little girl, Dana Perino, going, go fuck yourself.

Oh, my God. I'd be all over. I'd go talk dirty. Anyways, that's Joy Reid. Their hatred, they really do detest this country and everything that's good about it. Anyways, speaking of that, the trial

by the way, today, you know, they could get the verdict back today. That's what it says in a paper. This could be the I know the fucking defense made the closing argument. I's what it says in a paper. This could be the, I know the fucking defense made the closing argument. I think what, they are doing that today? I think so. Oh, maybe they already did it. Although Monday was Memorial Day. So whatever. But the papers say it could come down today. Anyways, Cohen the gloat. That's the greatest liar of all time. Jurors cannot convict Donald Trump based on the testimony of MVP liars. Michael Cohen, defense attorneys argued Tuesday. They call him the jury of seven men and five he-she's and two guys with tits on their foreheads, five women that Trump's longtime lawyer turned star prosecution witness, Michael Cohen, was the gloat.

He's the greatest liar of all time. He's the human embodiment of reasonable doubt, literally. And that's pretty much a great description of him. literally, and that's pretty much a great description of him. He says he lied to you repeatedly. He lied many, many times before you even met him. His financial and personal well-being depends on this case. He is biased and motivated to tell you a story that is not true. He told the seven men and five women on the panel of Cohen. Trump Organization records alleged, excuse me, allegedly wrote off the hush money reimbursement payments

to Cohen as legal expenses to hide they were really payments to benefit Trump's campaign. Trump didn't, this whole thing proved he didn't even know about it. Some guy gave a great analogy, a CNN lawyer, by the way. CNN lawyer goes, he goes, if I call you over to my house, you're a plumber and you're working on something to fix it because you're a fix-it man, like Cohen was a fix-it man for Trump, I don't necessarily know what you're doing. All I know is I paid you to fix it,

which was a great, that's from a CNN lawyer. Exactly. Trump's campaign that exceeded the legal limit, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg, the fat fox. It's all a sham. But Blanche told jurors that Trump didn't know about the alleged catch and kill payments and argued that the records were not falsified because they cited legal services and Cohen was Trump's lawyer at the time. So yeah so everybody's on pins and needles today about this

and it's coming down and we don't know. I'm worried. Well I'm not worried because even if he got convicted right you appeal it and yeah but it all comes down to the sentencing well timing though even in the the appeal and all that shit i gotta believe the election would happen before then so then what

happens you know how slow it takes to appeal shit right so i don't know um and all it takes is one jerk off and don't forget that jury is from a pool of new yers. And I'm not talking about the ones that showed up at Trump's rallies in the Bronx. Speaking of Bronx and New Yorkers, one of my hero actors has just fucking blown his career, his legacy. Now he's known as a jerk-off. Robert De Niro. Poor guy. Just an old, confused guy.

And they're using him beautifully. Oscar-winning actor Robert De Niro, half of my sound drops of him, became the face of the Biden campaign Tuesday, fronting a tumultuous... Why would Biden do that anyway? They've been staying away from this story. They've been ignoring it the whole time, which is smart on their part. And then they fucking make him do this, you know, and not trying to hide the fact that they were behind this press conference. Fronting a tumultuous press conference outside the Manhattan courthouse where former President Donald Trump's defense team made its closing arguments in the hush money trial.

After weeks of avoiding commenting on the case against Trump outside of jabs on social media, the Biden campaign went big by announcing the press availability with special guests. What's this, the Kimmel Show? On the day of closing arguments, were the jury expected to receive the case today? That answers our question. Today. Oh, my God. First, here's De Niro talking at the podium, I believe. Oh, this is him getting heckled. Think about this. This guy was the face of New York for years. Check this out. He's...

At the end of this, De Niro's going to go, fuck you. I think he gets cut off. You're not helping, chubby. You touch kids! You touch kids! It's going a little far. Fuck you!

Suck my dick! Your mother s*** is swallowed! We're trying to be gentlemen in this world, the Democrats. You are gangsters! You are gangsters! F*** you, he goes. Some guy said you're a f***ing washtop. He goes, f*** you! God, that was delicious. The narrow 80 has already narrated ads for the Biden campaign and told reporters Tuesday that Trump wants to sow total chaos and destroy not only the city, before expanding his argument to say eventually he could destroy the whole world. In between reading from his prepared remarks, which included calling a 77-year-old Trump a clown,

a grubby real estate hustler, and a tyrant, the raging bull star exchanged curses with pro-Trump protesters who chanted, fuck Joe Biden, and De Niro is a gangster bitch in an attempt, that's what they were heckling, say you're a gangster bitch. You're a fucking idiot, Goodfellas actor yelled at one protester who accused De Niro of being a paid actor for the DNC and suggested the actor had unsavory ties to convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein,

which everybody does in Hollywood. There's all kinds of shit. Who knows? I find that one hard to believe, but, you know. Fuck your mother! Oh, he really fucking... I have a big mouth! De Niro is accompanied by law enforcement officers

who battle Trump-supporting rioters at the Capitol. Yeah. Oh, my God. Here he is speaking at the podium. Our democracy. They are the true heroes. These guys are the true heroes. These guys are the true heroes. They stood and put their lives on the line for these low lives, for Trump.

They lied under oath. They lied under oath. Who lied under oath? What are you telling me? Those two traitors. Excuse me? Those two traitors behind you. They lied under oath? That's right? What are you telling me? Excuse me? They lied on the road? What are you saying?

They lied on the road. They're traitors. I don't even know how to deal with you, my friend. Yeah, of course you don't. You're a nitwit. It's not written down for you. Anyways, I feel bad. Go back to Dofaucus 3. He's ruined his movie

legacy. Now he's coming out. Anyways. Hey, guys, in the second half of the show, I'll be talking about, what am I going to be talking about? The mayor of Boston, Michelle Wu, they put her in charge, and she's turning Boston into a, literally, not literally, but a Petri dish for progressive, literally, like fucking doing experiments. Progressive experiments and policies and shit. She's going to ruin the only good city left, by the way. One of the few

that's left. Also, good news on the memory front. That would be me. Apparently there's a pill coming out of England that, you know, it makes rats remember shit. So give it to Michael Cohen. I don't need it.

Anyways, you take the pill. Apparently it's working great. But I don't buy it because it's from extracts and plants and shit. I don't buy any of that fucking shit. Literally, I don't buy it. I'm a fucking pro-Western medicine guy. If it can't kill you with an overdose, I don't touch it. Anyways.

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Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com, click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Let's move on to the woman that's ruining what used to be my hometown. And it's a progressive shithole. I've been saying it for the last,

I don't know how many years. I get booted in my own fucking time. God, wait, a couple times. I did comics to come home, and no, just once, yeah, and I sort of rebutted, what's her name? Oh, God, Nick.

Wanda Sykes went up and shit all over Trump. This is in front of 15,000 people, by the way. So I went on after her and just fucking rebutted it before I got into my act, and people got pissed at me. So I went back to my room, and I was seeing the fucking shit. This is when I first got online. I'm like, what the fuck? So what did I do? Did I ignore it?

No. I went in the fucking minibar and got a fucking couple nips. Sucked them down and I brawled all night. I get a text from my wife, get off the fucking thing! They're screenshotting your racist... Anyways, screw Woo. Her name's Boston Mayor Michelle Woo. Just because... Can you imagine what happened to the old white Irish guys with the beigny noses in Boston? Boston Mayor Michelle Woo advocated a soft on crime agenda by pushing to abolish the

gang registry. There's a good move. Why would you do that? And arguing that criminal behavior such as theft should not be prosecuted. I say this. It means sit on this, cocksucker. Yeah. Prior to being elected mayor, Wu was a fucking short order cooker. Ting files golden wall. Filled out the 2021 Boston mayoral candidate questionnaire. She filled it out.

That questionnaire came from Progressive Massachusetts. It's a 501c4 nonprofit organization that tracks and ranks how progressive elected officials are. According to its website, the group intends, and this is in quotes, to transform Massachusetts into a bold laboratory for progressive state initiatives. In other words, more control. Why does it, isn't it ironic? In the fucking birthplace of liberty, where it all fucking started, we threw government off our back, and now we want more of it to control our lives.

Doesn't she should know she's Chinese. Look up your fucking relatives, you asshole. In the document, Wu outlined her most progressive commitments including poodle and broccoli with a white sauce. Delicious, thank you. Oh, she's dressed in Celtic screen. Including her support for non-citizens voting. Do you hear that?

Non-citizens voting in Boston's local elections. What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. I agree. Then Wu was asked whether she supported a do not prosecute list enacted by the former Suffolk County District Attorney. And she's a black woman, didn't even have to fucking look it up. I found out this morning. Rachel Rollins, there she is. D.A. Rollins, loosen that pug on your head. Get some blood to your empty skull. D.A. Rollins enacted the policy memo identifying more than a dozen charges she said should be declined for prosecution.

Now, let's listen to the fucking charges and who they would apply to. Who's doing most of these? Those crimes that she doesn't want prosecuted include shoplifting, check. Larceny, check. Disorderly conduct, hmm. Receiving stolen property. Hmm. Driving with a suspended license. Breaking and entering with property damage. Hmm. Wanton and malicious destruction of property. Hmm. Threats.

Minor in possession of alcohol, marijuana possession. Possession with intent to distribute. Non-marijuana drug possessions. You go fuck yourself, convict! Nick, are you saying they apply to a certain segment? Yeah, the black population. I'm saying it right here now.

Fucking put it on ABC. Who gives a fuck? What, are you going to fire me from a podcast? Ew. You wonder why they've never run anything in their fucking lives? Seriously. You wonder why they've never run anything In their fucking lives Seriously Literally A recipe for fucking chaos

No law and order That's what they want It's I can't even fucking I don't even know how they can Fake Support for shit like this By the way

For those of you guys in Mug Club Stick around for the rest of the second half of my show. Everyone else go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show, the great Steven Crowder's full show, and a whole lot more. Hi. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. I won't take all that they hand me down

And make out I smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else No, no I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else

And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else And I don't wanna be destroyed like everybody else And I don't wanna get a job like everybody else Cause I'm not like everybody else I see you singing, what are you? I'm not like everybody else