The Nick DiPaolo Show - Dennis Miller Talks About His New Special

Episode Date: December 6, 2018

The Great Dennis Miller, Columbia U. Boots Comic Of Color, The Teflon Dong, Obese Broad Buries Black BF.

Music Oh, yeah! Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the show. How are you? Good, are you? You want to join in the hilarity? The number is 833-599-NICK. 833-599-6425 is the phone number. On the show today, calling in at the bottom of the hour,

the great Dennis Miller has a new special out called Fake News, Real Jokes. I watched it. He's still got his fastball, folks. Still got his fastball. He was an influence of mine. I love reference laden stand-up acts, and that's what he's known for. Smart, funny,

meta, great stuff. So he'll be calling in at the bottom of the hour. And yeah, just I watch guys like that and makes you want to write so and a good dude on top of it quickly dates you can get these at nickdip.com saturday december 22nd the comedy work saratoga springs new york uh new year's eve tarrytown music hall tarrytown new york saturday january 12th fairfield theater company fairfield connecticut i might be shooting an hour there i might bring Saturday, January 12th, Fairfield Theater Company, Fairfield, Connecticut.

I might be shooting an hour there. I might bring some cameras in. Saturday, January 19th, Bobby V's in Windsor Locks, Connecticut. Sunday, January 27th, the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club in Ventura, California. That previous Friday, I'll be on the Joe Rogan podcast live. Friday, March 8th, Wood Theater, Glens Falls, New York. Saturday, March 9th, Cohoes Hall in Cohoes, New York. Friday, April 26th, Steel Stacks, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Friday, May 31st, Jonathan's in a Gunkwit, Maine, Killer Room. Saturday, June 1st, Whites of Westport,

Westport, Massachusetts. Saturday, August 10th at Newtown Theater, Newtown, Pennsylvania. Saturday, October 19th, the Ridgefield Playhouse in Ridgefield, Connecticut. Go to nickdip.com for ticket information and come out and see me live. You'll fucking enjoy yourself fiercely, I promise. Speaking of comedy dates, do me a favor.

If you're in New York City, in the New York City area, go see my friend, Kendra Cunningham, who I had open for me all over the country. Guys or girls will find her hilarious.

She's a Boston chick, loves sports, doesn't do a whole bunch of, guys suck, and I'm having my period shit. Funny, funny person. She's doing a one-hour show on December 13th at Don't Tell Mama on 46th Street in New York City at 7 p.m. Check her out.

You won't be disappointed. She cracked me up. I met her at, what do you call it, Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey a few years ago. I didn't know who she was and she killed in front of me. And I'm like, this broad can write a joke. And guys and girls love her.

She's like one of those, you know, chicks who can hang out, enjoys a good dirty joke, loves sports. I'm on the road with her in Philly. My phone's in the hotel at like nine in the morning.

She's like, the fucking Red Sox are on at noon. That type of broad. And great joke writer. So go see her. It'll be worth your while. What is going on? Let's start with the PC world.

Just, again, libs eating their own, which we fucking love by the way we're live on facebook and uh youtube right now we'll do it live other places that i can't remember we'll do it live yeah we goddamn right i want all of you to enjoy your cake so enjoy you've got to get mad you've got to say i am god damn it my life has value I am. Tell that to Pelosi. You are correct, sir. Former Saturday Night Live writer.

How about this uh nimish patel was booted from a columbia university stage on friday night after attendees were offended by some of the jokes in his set oh for the love of fucking god grow, you jerk. Patel, a former Emmy-nominated writer whose career accomplishments included becoming SNL's first Indian-American writer and Parents on a Late Night with their douchebag Seth Meyers, was performing at Culture Shock, Reclaim, a Colombian-Asian-American alliance event.

This is on the campus of Columbia where they ban conservative speakers yet have the fucking guy that was running Iran for a while. Remember the little hateful fuck who had to do with the hostage situation? Holy shit, this guy looks like Aziz Ansari's brother. Does he not? Really?

They shut the mic on this kid. Really? What are you, bigots at Columbia? That's a brown person. That's a brown comedian. What are you, bigots? You're eating your own. Eventually, nobody's going to be left, thanks to douchebags like yourself.

You've already taken out guys like me. Now you're down to plucking him. You're not going to be happy until it's what, a transgender fucking chimp on a unicycle juggling? You humorless fucking titless wonders. Nick, calm down. Shut it. During the event, Patel's performance featured commentary on his experience living in a diverse area of New York City. Ooh, sounds controversial already. Including a joke about a gay black man in his neighborhood, which AAA, that would be Asian American Alliance, officials deemed inappropriate.

I first read that, I'm like, AAA? What do they do, have a tow truck pull them off stage? What the fuck? stage what the fuck but patel joke that being gay cannot be a choice because no one looks in the mirror and thinks this black thing's too easy let me just add another thing to it can you imagine they that's a good joke it's an actually in a real comics world that's actually a politically correct joke in the the sphere that I live in. You're defending black being tough to be black and this is where you're at at Columbia?

Do yourself a favor. Don't have guests, period, on that shit campus. Okay? The only thing good Columbia University is known for is having Meadow Soprano go there. And her bike got stolen. I won't say by who. We all know it.

Later on in the episode, turned out to be a black guy. But she wouldn't say it, and she was dating a black guy at the time. And Carmela wouldn't say it. And Tony goes to both of them. Why did you submit it? You're thinking what I'm thinking.

Fucking Columbia. About 30 minutes into Patel's set, members of AAA interrupted the performance, denounced they interrupted the performance, so they didn't like what he was saying, even joking about. So they interrupted it, because they have that right, because they are a better people than you, and they want you to shut up.

That's the fucking, that's it. This is infuriating me. I'm defending an Indian writer from SNL. What's the world coming to? Denounced his jokes about racial identities and sexual orientation, and provided him with a few moments for closing remarks. My closing remarks, I would have taken a runny dump on stage and taken out a hockey stick and shot it into the audience.

Just like a Gallagher concert, I would have sprayed him up front. Compared to his other jokes, one specifically targeting sexual orientation audibly received less laughter from the crowd that's the thing i know is as a stand-up even in front of my fans who are hardly lefties when i go after the gay thing and not a uh not a really angry you know uh way but anything gay and they get a little nervous with their laughter, which is, this is what stand-up's great for. It's a barometer for where the country is, and you can see as a stand-up what jokes get certain reactions.

The gay thing always makes people nervous. It's unbelievable to see. It's a great barometer to see how a room of 220 strangers or 400, whatever you're playing to, how they've been infected by the PC virus because of TV. It really is. It's something to behold and it should be scratched. Although Patel responded to officials by stating that his comedy exposed the audience to ideas found in the real world, that his comedy exposed the audience to ideas found in the real world, which he's right, his microphone was cut and he had no choice but to leave. All right, get up!

Yeah! The Spectator reported several reactions to Patel's performance. While one student did not find the jokes offensive, others were clearly disturbed at the violation of their safe space. Shut up! Thank you. You're living on planet Earth. There is no safe space. The sooner you realize that, the fucking better.

Especially up at Columbia, where you're in kind of a shady neighborhood if you go 12 blocks north. up at Columbia where you're in a kind of a shady neighborhood if you go 12 blocks north. So maybe you'll learn it when you get a shiv in your ass taking the fucking A train. The message they were trying to send with the event was opposite to the jokes he was making. And this is the person who found it offensive. And using people's ethnicity as the crux of his jokes could be funny but still offensive. He definitely wasn't the most crass comedian i've ever heard but for the event it was inappropriate said student

adam warren who really needs to be bitch slapped and and and should be woke to what the real world has for him once he leaves the safe campus of columb Adam Warman, how can you be such a humorless? You're a college age guy and you have cancer of the funny bone. You have no sense of fucking humor. Oh, I'm sure an Indian American was fucking being really edgy and think about it. Oh my God. What kind of sheltered shit life did you grow up in? He says, I really dislike when people who are old. Now, this is another girl who was offended. I really dislike when people who are older say that our generation needs to be exposed to the real world, said student Sophia Zhao. Obviously, the world is not a safe space, but just accepting that is not in continuing to perpetuate the unsafeties of it. It's saying that it can't be changed.

When older generations say you need to stop being so sensitive, it's like undermining what our generation is trying to do and accepting others and making it safer. No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh. Did you hear that? Did you hear the logic and the reasoning? What the think about how did she get to that point mentally?

Her parents did a horrible job. Probably a legacy thing. That's why she got intoia in the first place but imagine having the arrogance to think you're going to change the world for being the rough place that it is to something that suits what you believe in oh my aching stem sofia oh my guarantee this broad will be dragging around a mattress after a falsie accusing somebody of finger popping her in a couple years nick why do you say that because it's my motherfucking show up in here 833-599-6425 you have to lighten up sophia your generation does matter of fact

part of your generation gets it i have people millennials coming up, Sophia. Your generation does. Matter of fact, part of your generation gets it. I have people, millennials coming up after the show. They were there to see me because they are so tired of this horseshit that you're perpetuating and this wet dream that you're going to hold hands and get along with everybody. And we're going to create a risk-free world where everybody has bike helmets on and transgender people start for the New York Jets. It's I mean you gotta let it go you gotta let those fucking liberal left-wing wet dreams go do you understand me Sophia that being said I will meet you at the Burger King at a 145th street in Lenox to throw hot grease on you.

Ah, Columbia. Why? Why? Why? Put that picture up again of the guy. Aziz. And Zari. Like.

Good looking kid. I mean, he could be comedian, terrorist, or Italian. Or all three. I don't know. Can you imagine, though? The head, not a head, but he was an Emmy nominee at SNL. He's Indian. And he's considered too rough for the comedy audiences.

Again, I knew the millennial generation was in trouble when they found Seinfeld too fucking edgy. That was the red flag where are these red flags coming from i don't know huh let me take a sip of my a w diet root beer loaded with things i gotta watch it i've been eating like a fiend. I actually worked out hard yesterday. I felt good about myself. And I'm like, I'm gonna go to bed hungry.

That's the only way I can lose weight. I'd say 40 minutes later, I was on the couch eating Sour Patch. Sour Patch, it's called the Rainbow Belts. They're strips of really, they're addicting. I put those away. I go, that's enough. What am I doing?

I go to put those away. I see a thing called Circus Peanuts. Circus, they made a fucking, they take the tires from Goodyear that, they're like rubber, rubber, and I ate those. but they're like rubber, rubber, and I ate those. I looked at the bag. There's 700 pounds, not grams, of sugar per bite. Unbelievable.

Hey, Ryan, are you sure that's Joey O'Shea from Chicago? And not fucking shit for brains? No on the phone again yeah let's try them anyways doesn't matter it's fun it's all fun Joey what's up family how you been it's been a while since I've seen you yeah what's going on yeah I yeah I agree 100% you know doing stand-up these days it's amazing it used to be the way if you would deliver things with the proper context and everybody was on board for having a good time and laughing. Now, God forbid, you bring up something about a sty or God forbid somebody has a hangnail.

You got 30 people boycotting, pissing and moaning. Everybody's offended. They're a bunch of fucking crybabies now with no sensitive humor whatsoever. And those people are lefties, by the way. It's not, it's not. They're all lefties. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You're absolutely right. I used to do a lot of work in Boston as well. And I used to have a great time, a nice broad shoulder. Not quite as broad as Chicago, but I'll give you guys a little bit of props on your broadness. It was always a great time. You know, you could always make fun of the cat pack or your

khakis, and nobody got offended. Everybody had a good time, you had a couple cocktails. You did your third show on Saturday, which was always a bowl of vomit, but everybody had a good time at the end of the day. Nobody was looking for a fight or looking for something to be offended by. It had gotten completely out of control well that's what's funny the people who

who get offended by this shit they can't fight that's the fucking unless they get sucker punched like i did well i'm talking to the fucking bipolar girl's dad with my fucking back to her but but uh no you make it great and we do have broad they Now, Boston has broad shoulders. Broad as in chick shoulders. We have the fucking shoulders of Sandy Duncan. I love Chicago, by the way, for the comedy scene. I used to play the Funny Firm twice a year in the 90s. And I still love it. It was a great spot.

Oh, my God. Matter of fact, Dennis Leary and I got removed physically from the ground floor. If you remember in the funny film, they had a pool table down there. Yes. And Dennis and I had been partaking of a little bit of libation. And for whatever reason or not, Dennis decided to urinate in one of the pockets, which I thought was fucking hysterical. But Len, if you remember the owner, he wasn't always that amiable to the comedy cause.

Two balls on a side pocket. That's done it. And I'll tell you, everybody wants to be like the Jack Dorsey. Every male wants to grow a beard, wear a size 30 jeans, of course skinny jeans, and 30 and skinny kind of, you know, it's kind of an axiom moron right there. Right, right. But they want to appear to be Mr. Oversensitive. And oddly enough, and I just found this out,

they're doing this in the attempt to impress women who are pissed off by quote-unquote male toxicity. Well, it's backfiring because I've read a lot of articles where like millennial women are dating older guys because the guys their age, you know, are wearing skinny jeans and fucking smoking a pipe and gorkum riffing it. They don't have testicles.

Alright, Joey. Good call, buddy. Talk to you soon. Love to hear from Chicago. You know. But it really is true. And here's the problem. Speaking of they don't have testicles, this kind of relates to my next story.

The headlines, and I've heard about this for a while, and finally they did a study on it, thank Christ. Men's penises are half an inch smaller, in capital letters, if they are exposed to high levels of chemicals in nonstick frying pans and fast food packaging while in the while in the womb. Make me a sandwich. Make me a fucking sandwich. Looking at myself in the mirror today, my mother must have lived on omelets and fucking quarter pounders. I mean, just to think, I could have been a

porn star if somebody gave my mother a cast iron skillet at her bridal shower. I mean, it's true. You ever put a sausage in a fucking frying pan? It shrinks right the fuck up. But there's chemicals. I've been hearing about this for a while.

Chemicals known as PFCs are believed to interfere with male hormones. Men may develop smaller penises if they're exposed to high levels of PFCs. A study found those growing up in polluted areas were 12% shorter. Ryan took his own poll. He says more like 11%.

But he was in a town that had no pollution. He was just having fun. But is this it now today? When girls used to go home, you bring them home after meeting them at a club. They used to go in your bathroom and take a sneak peek into your medicine cabinet. Now they're in your kitchen, rifling through your fucking pots and pans, and if they see more than two FabaWares, they're like,

I gotta go! Men could end up with penises half an inch shorter than usual if their parents were exposed to high levels of chemicals used in nonstick frying pans. And this effect is not only seen in the womb. The research says PFCs could affect toxic, excuse me, could have toxic effects in teenagers too.

The chemicals also found in waterproof clothing, that explains Jacques Cousteau's son being a big girl, and greaseproof packaging for food, get into the bloodstream and reduce testosterone levels. Researchers at the University of Padua in Italy made the discovery after measuring the penises of 383 men

on a wild night out. No, with an average age of 18. Padua? Is that what it is? Am I saying it right? Near Venice. Well, if it's near Venice, Venice is all water. Of course you're going to find short dicks. Shrinkage. Who's with me?

It's one of four areas in the world known to have high levels of PFC pollution. Really? Why in Italy? You'd think they would know about cookware, which used to be in Teflon coating until it was phased out in 2013. After Buzz Aldrin realized he had a clit. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. The chemicals officially called perfluorocallil compounds are also

health hazards in Netherlands, Shandong, and China. Shandong and China. Can I make this shit up? First of all, we all knew that China had a problem. We didn't know it was the frying pans. Apparently, Wox... Wox and nonstick, too.

I don't... Shandong, China, folks. I can't write this shit. Also, West Virginia... Wow, that's horrible. Having two teeth and a three-inch dick. Mother of Christ. The Italian research has found

PFCs will bind to testosterone receptors and reduce levels of the male sex hormone used in the body as a result men grow up with smaller penises less healthy and mobile sperm and a shorter distance oh here we go between the their scrotum and an anus a sign of low fertility i checked mine today i used the ways app said you have one one hundredth of a mile to go. Watch out, pothole ahead. I'm getting a new five minutes out of this, goddammit. Listen to this.

As the first report on water contamination of PFCs goes back to 1977, it affects an entire generation of young individuals from 78 onwards. They are found in fast food packaging, paper plates, stain-resistant carpets, windshield washing fluid, which I drink a quart a day, firefighting foam, and circus peanuts. What? Choppy from Detroit said it's padua you're italian what the fuck he said first of all i'm more british and fucking irish choppy so don't get too cocky uh padua i i knew i was saying it wrong i didn't fucking act like i was saying it right

did i but thank you padua choppy Is choppy, is that Northern Italian? Choppy. What's your last name? Garlic? Choppy Garlic. Padua. Thank you, Choppy. I'm serious.

I appreciate that. PFCs are also in some glues, cosmetics, medicines, electronics, cleaning products, polishes and waxes insecticides in uh paints jesus christ why don't you just say it's in everything we touch look at and breathe it's disappointing because the tines are known to be pretty well hung we have some black blood in us and you know back in 1512 a.d they fucking raped us on a mountaintop in sicily and the rest is history. Studies have linked the chemical to early menopause,

low birth weight, low fertility, thyroid problems, high cholesterol, bladder cancer, and worse immune system function. That sounds like side effects for Lipitor. The chemicals can get into the body by being absorbed by the intestines from food and drinking water or breathe in.

From here, they get into the bloodstream, can be toxic for fetuses when consumed by the mother, and for teenagers who undergo big hormonal changes. For men being exposed to PFCs while in the womb, and it can result in higher levels of female hormones in adulthood and developing smaller penises. In adulthood? Females? No, I'm kidding. And apparently there's another chemical that only affects black penises, KFCs. They can be found in deep fry baskets.

Come on, if you didn't like that, you're a fucking big girl. Girl. I know what you did. you're a fucking big girl. You know what I want for Christmas this year? What? A big fat cock. Oh! In my ass. Oh!

I know what you did. You're a damn pervert. All right, just get the... PFCs are highly stable chemicals, and the ones already released into the environment are expected to remain there for longer than the human species. So what are we worrying about? PFCs used to be in Teflon coating on nonstick frying pans, but were phased out in 2013,

and they replaced it with model glue. DuPont and Chemours, the manufacturers of Teflon, had to pay a $671 million settlement last year following the spillage of PFCs into a river in West Virginia. A bunch of them showed up to vote for Trump this year, and they said, take all your penis. We have to see you're affected by this. Anyways, despite some high-profile companies phasing out the use of damaging PFCs

they are still used around the world in imported goods the Environmental Protection Agency says so take note man you know how many fucking omelets and scrambled eggs I've made in Teflon every morning I start with a fucking omelet

and I'm fine I'm with a fucking omelet. And I'm fine. I'm, you know, fucking solid four and a half. So you're telling me me and my kids are just fucked? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you. I can already feel it.

Can you? I'm sure there's some millennials out there going, bullshit! I eat out of Teflon every day and look at me. I'll be stuck. I'll have to make some porn flicks

in a Freddy's frying pan. That type of shah-hah-hah-hah. Oh, I have a urination coming on once again. Um, hmm. Let me take a sip. I'm sure it's in the ice cubes

and the glass I'm drinking and fast food packaging. I mean, we got rid of styrofoam. Now we don't have like paper when you go to McDonald's, paper carton, cardboard. I don't know what to tell you, kids. Just don't use the nonstick shit. But it's too late if your mother did. My mother used to work at an omelette bar at the Hyatt. Please come to Denver, she said no.

Boy, why don't you come home to me? Ramblin' boy, why don't you settle down to me rambling boy why don't you settle down did you watch the bush i didn't watch the uh funeral i i watched all the other proceedings but the the best part where people get up and do eulogies and i saw one line al simpson uh he was you know he's in his late hundreds now he had a couple good ones he ripped off, but it's fun to watch them sitting in the first pew. George W. comes up, shakes, you know, Trump's hand, Melania. And then he's got Barack and Michelle

and then Bill Clinton and Hillary. And you know, that wasn't an accident that Hillary and Bill were at the opposite end of Trump. And they should have sat them together. Somebody have a sense of humor. A nice fist fight would have broke up. Yes, sir, Ryan. So I got a super chat about that.

Brian Stuckless said he saw you Friday night in Niagara. Yes. He drove three hours to see you. And he said how awkward it was today that they sat Bush, Clinton, and Obama and Trump together for the funeral. Yeah, well, what are they going to do? They're going to put a couple presidents in the front, some in the back, and they have to sit. They're all living presidents. But like I said, they didn't.

Somebody said, it's like when you plan a wedding. You're not having Uncle Mike sitting next to fucking Karen with a big mouth. You know, and they had that. They had the Trumps at the, you know, this end and the Clintons were at the other end of the bench, as we call it. And the Catholic. But I watched. I told and the Capitol and the flags and the precision. I mean, it makes the Rockettes look like the fucking, you know, trying to think of a shitty hog in the Minnesota Wild Power Play. Unbelievable precision. If I watched that and I was like a third world dictator, I'd be like,

Jesus Christ. Their funerals are better than, more, you know, rehearsed than our army will ever be. Let's not fuck with them. But yeah, Bill Clinton sitting there and George W. gave Michelle Obama like a cough drop. I guess they have a little thing

where they have to pretend to like each other and who knows, maybe they do. I'll tell you what, Bill Clinton and George Senior, who just passed away, they were like, they got along very well. Asshole buddies. But, you know, and again, I got a little bit of blowback about praising H.W. Bush and anyhow anyways folks let me tell you something

I watched my buddy Dennis Miller's special today it's called fake news real jokes and he's still got his fastball not only does he still have his fastball he's got a cutter and a knuckle curve that he's added

he's as good, as smart, and as funny as ever he was voted the best weekend update guy in SNL history, that's saying something he can be heard daily on the Dennis Miller option on Podcast One and his new stand-up special Fake Fake News, Real Jokes, can be seen on Amazon, iTunes, Steam, Google Play. And welcome to the show, my buddy, one of the best to ever do it, Dennis Miller. Dennis, how are you? Ah, sorry, Dennis.

I forgot I'm doing that i just got an alert over my phone that says today's uh bush 41 funeral was actually the event on day six of the nick jonas priyanka chopra i know i noticed that oh man i noticed they separated it was funny because they had Donald Trump and Melania at one end of the pew and the Clintons at the other end. It looked like when the Philadelphia Flyers used to play the Bruins in the 80s. The penalty box is about three feet away. You could see them stink eyeing each other. I know.

I love that he's so far into her lizard skull that she had a funeral. Can't even give him a nod and a smile. And I guarantee you on the way over to the church, she told bill, I'm telling you, if you stand up and kiss Melania, I will kill you. I'm telling you,

he Clinton is just, he's all dingy now, but he, you could just see see Clinton is just, he's all dingy now, Matt. You can just see that he watched, you know, he's just done so many goofy things over the years. But now even when he tries to turn his head off, he's thinking about joys of past and that head's rolling around. He's just crazy. I could see him like actually tearing his retina trying to look out of the corner of his eye at melania and uh you know well it was a nice thing for bush you know bush was a uh lovely cat i have to tell you

are we on a podcast are we on terrestrial no we're on a podcast you can go nuts oh okay i'm trying to figure out what version of this I should play. Hey, Dennis, don't be a faggot. Just go nuts. I do the White House press corps dinner for 41, and I'm in this tiny holding room in the back, and Bush comes in to say hi to Mr. Miller president. He walks in and he goes, hey, Mr. President.

He said, hey, Dennis, listen, I'm with Barr tonight. Don't say fuck. I didn't realize I didn't see if I was a good host. I would have known that you hosted the dinner. That is unbelievable. And he actually said, don't say fuck, I'm with Bart. He said fuck. He said, I'm with Bart tonight.

Don't say fuck. So I'm laughing already. I go up and do a joke about Marion Barry who's sitting at the front row and Bush is sitting next to me at this dais. And I say, Mayor Barry down front, if you're sitting at the front row and Bush is sitting next to me at this dais and I say, Mayor Barry down front, if you're sitting at the table with him, you might not want to walk over the salt shaker because that could

cause a little chaos. What is that? Bush just hit me on the leg. Oh, who? Bush hit you on the leg? Bush is sitting there. You can see I have a picture of him just howling, and he's hitting me on the leg. I'm doing blow jokes about Mary and Barry. He's just absolutely howling. Then I see him at one of the celebrations of his 90th birthday.

I'm sitting with him and Barbara, and my wife are talking. He has a glass of wine. I have a glass of wine. And then she says, that's enough, George. And he's in the wheelchair at this point. And he says to me, order two and slide me one. So I get a second glass of wine. I slide him one. We're getting a little lit. Ted Cruz comes over to the table. And I say to Ted Cruz, you know, if you want to get the left off your back, you should tell them, while you are Hispanic, you're here illegally. I thought I killed Bush.

He was laughing so hard. I said, what a long, strange trip. I'm sitting here ordering two wines, one for me, one for Bush. We're loaded. I'm doing Ted Cruz jokes, and he's just like, I thought he was going to have a stroke, for God's sake. He was laughing so hard. And he was in his wheelchair? How long ago is this this not that long ago is that what you said it was 90th i remember i went to visit him in his office jesus always on time he was always on time and i hear

this it's like nine o'clock in the morning i'm supposed to meet him at nine and he's not there and all of a sudden i hear it comes with fishtailing in the scooter store. He was a good cat. Unbelievable. He really was a fun, sweet guy. I can't lay claim to knowing him, obviously, like those people. People today and people at the thing in houston well i'm not trying to make it more than it is but i probably met around six

or eight times and we always laughed our asses off when we were together he was a funny cap so as soon as his kid his kid was funny too i met him a couple times mostly through 41 and they had good senses of humor and they weren't all it wasn't all listen i'm telling you it wasn't all stiff and square with 41 he was a man's man you know i mean i hear them talking about him now and it's like pope john the 23rd and then had a side to him it was funny what what uh you know i was praising him a couple right after he passed away and and and got you blow back for some of my fans and most of them were probably lefties oh what are you talking about he was friends with the saudis the head of the cia and i'm like

every country has a version of the cia number one number two i didn't say he was of course he has dirt on his hands when you're the head of the cia and and the president of the united states these people live in this fucking i go how many how many plots do you think the CIA breaks up here that we don't hear about that saves your neck? You know, they're so brainwashed. And, oh, Cheney was the devil. Did you get any of that pushback when you said nice stuff about H.W.? I can't tell you how oblivious I am to that. Let's face facts. We live

in tepid time. Everybody's an emotional hemophiliac. They're looking to throw their bodies on the tepid grenade of minor insult. I don't give a shit what people think out there. I've got kids. I've got a wife. I want them to look up to me with some degree of admiration.

The social media has allowed us to all come together as one and realize there was never any reason whatsoever for us to all come together as one, okay? Everybody's whining. Everybody's pissed off. Do you care what people think about stuff? I just don't.

I turned 65 last week. I can't shoot the prism of what I feel or what I say through strangers, quite frankly, who are pissed off all the time about everything. And then you've got the genius who comes in and takes any joke you want and corrects the punctuation and acts like he's a co-writer of the joke. This is social media. Never have lives less lived been more chronicled than social media. I don't care anymore what people think. Unfortunately, I have no kids, and I just had a check bounce for $28.95,

so I still have to give a fuck. But you're funny, brother. You are stick-to-the-ribs. I was buying a... Louie's Cafeteria. Stick to the ribs funny. That's what you are. I was buying a gold-plated bedpan at CVS

and they check bounced. That's one of my favorite lines of yours, what you just said. Somebody lives so chronicled. And that leads me to the special. Dennis, I watched it today and uh dude you still get your fastball just if you're a dennis miller fan this is quintessential dennis i get inspired this is how i know i'm watching great i halfway through i wanted to

shut it off and start writing myself and then there's like three people on the planet that give me that feeling. You? Well, what a nice compliment, brother. You know how deft I think you are. Seriously. That means something to me. Some people you got to lock the pod face on when Carrot Top's telling you that

and say thank you very much. You know, hey, you're Rally Monkey from the Angels games is over there. It's caught on the stage light. It's about to go. But none of their cats like you. And that means something to me. So thank you.

Honest to God. It was, you know, meta smart. I don't even, it was just no fat there whatsoever. Let me ask you, now you did it in Knoxville. How do you decide decide we're talking about the great dennis mill about it how do you decide uh where to shoot because you've played everywhere um how did you decide on knoxville what a beautiful i'll be honest i work better in middle america now i'm gonna go to a big city and have some chick like just like sister

betrill meets uh the handmaid's tale try to crank me in the head with a D-cell and a tube sock. I'm going to a place where people are nice. I knew I was going to go somewhere inside from the coast. Oh, yeah. You know, and I went down and looked at that theater when I was down that way doing a gig. It seemed lovely and had a good rate on it. You get a nice price.

There were lovely people. I did two shows, knocked it out in a night. I'll lovely and had a good rate on it. You get a nice price. There were lovely people. I did two shows, knocked it out in a night. I'll be honest with you. I don't think I'm smart enough to work in the Behar zone anymore, quite frankly. I'm not up to speed with those people. So I'll go my own way and be with people who are like-minded and I find them in the interior of the country. are like-minded and I find them in the interior of the country. I mean, just you mentioned this to me a few years ago whether I was on your show or I can't remember, but you said to me, I remember saying, do you still go out and work on this shit every night? And you go, I know it's funny, man.

I'm not going to drive into this city. How did you prepare? And I go, you know what? He's right. I mean, how much did you prepare, like, live? Did you test this stuff out a lot? Or how long did it, you know? Or do you just write it and let you say, you know, it's funny, use your podcast as a barometer or whatever?

I don't know. Yeah, you can do a little bit of that. That's a nice litmus test i mean i remember a joke about trump coming to california and he was booed and quite frankly for trump to come to california right now and be received warmly and have to declare that he was here illegally and when i put that joke up on twitter got like 55 000 likes so you know while you're not hearing an actual laugh you know that you that something's there that you can use on stage. Now, the part where it hurts you is the delivery's not as smooth as it used to be.

I used to be more rat-a-tat-tat, but I can quite frankly look at a joke, but I have to get up in front of people to do it and put tags on it. I write my tags when I'm up there sort of out of a bit of fear. It's an adrenal act writing odd art for the tags. So I took that thing up 12 times, and I took it up towards the end in Oxnard, a beautiful club up here called Levity Live, where you're under, listen, I don't sell tickets like you've got Sebastian or cats like that, so I can't go to a theater four nights in a row and sell 8,000.

I'm not doing that anymore. I just don't have that sort of heat. So I went there. It's like 400 seats, and you can sell four shows. And you get up, and it's like working the speed bike. I worked out my tags on stage there. That was around a month out from the special. And then I put it to bed. Then I did it two times the week before I did it.

Perfect. I think I'm up now around 15 times I did it. But then when you go into a room like that, you know, you can put a big bullet point prompter. What I like to do is at the back of the room, put a bullet point prompter. And then you have a foot pad. I put a little button on the stage. They wire it electrically. I keep the prompter off unless I get lost halfway through it. Because to be honest, when I do it 15 times, I don't have it locked in like I used to you remember Leno used to always say I'd say Jay why are you going up 250 nights a year so I don't have to write

it down you know when you're working oh yeah people just say how do you remember that you go I don't know doing it every night so it's just there but you're only good I'm only doing it 15 times, I put that button in. I go through until I reach a zone where I don't quite know the thing. I tap the button. It sets off a red light next to the kid. He flips the prompter on. I see four or five bullet points in a row.

I tap it. He turns it off, and I can go. We're talking to the great Dennis Miller's new special. It's fake news, real jokes. and I can go. We're talking to the great Dennis Miller's new special, his fake news, real jokes. I was going to ask you that, Dennis,

because I've seen, I've watched a lot of your specials, and I noticed you look down. And this is my next question to you. Is that when you're stepping on the pedal? Yeah, because I always think, well, I'll find it with my foot. And then, naturally, you don't. You're thinking, where did I put this thing? i thought it was right here during warm-up but then you find that that you're nowhere near it's you have to gaze down and hit it and that hit it to turn it off again but uh listen i'll be honest

with you this special be this was my ninth special and this one i prepared properly for that's all i need around 15 times when you you say, and I know it's funny, that even makes me wince. I feel like arrogant, but you kind of know what this joke is at this point. You've obviously got a Mr. Miyagi

pruned a little. Now, the special before this, the eighth one, I didn't prepare enough and I think it showed. It was my least favorite. I was, you know, I was hectoring.

I was more strident in lieu of actually showing some alacrity with the material i tried to energy it through and i you know it was a bad special my eighth i think i tried my hardest that's what i had in the tank at that point but this one i felt better well my favorite line and by the way i can't use uh twitter as a barometer whether my jokes will work because uh you know i'm being shadow banned so I could fucking put out the most genius shit and I get three likes on it and I'm like

What the fuck so I you know, I'm gonna meet Jack Dorsey, you know, I get that on Facebook. What is it called? Shadow banning that's when you tweet something out and You think it's going out to you a hundred thousand followers whatever and it's really only going out about to ten of them Because I've tweeted some funny shit that has exploded, you know. And I literally, I got one. I put a picture up of a punter in college a couple of years ago that looked just like Billy Burr. That was my biggest one, I think, ever. It got to, like, 2,800.

At that point, I only had, like, 60,000 followers. It got, like, 2,800 likes. And a few years after that, I get, you know, 6, 700 likes here and there. And now it's like something's going on. But my favorite line, Dennis... Yeah, you've tripped some sort of algorithm.

It's weird. I wish they'd apply this stuff at airports for the screening process where they'd have some of these algorithms. God forbid i'm in this fucking line like i'm at space mountain in july to get through security you think they'd set something up like twitter does for a republican uh at the airport to screen out uh you know who's the mohammed or whatever his name was in b. Comes through TSA, doesn't even change the name on his license, for God's sake.

I leave a little extra pro in my kit bag. I'm getting like Brad Davis in Midnight Express. They've got an IMAX colonoscopy scope on me. These motherfuckers aren't even changing their name. I know. One of the terrorists actually had an emotional support camel. And I think that's why they cut him some slack.

Well, that one would get screamed. That's one that would do a triple on you, they'd say. It just amazes me that comedy used to always be about candor and edge

and saying the unspeakable. And now, for Christ's sake, you practically have to get a notary to go on stage with you. It's so uptight up there. I've had shows where you... I remember I did a comedy festival in Austin. They were very nice people. And I kind of killed that night. I thought I did a good show.

And I got a pretty big ovation, a lot of people standing. And then the next day, some kid reviews you on Twitter, and it seemed like you were the worst comedian ever. I'm thinking, Jesus, I almost wish I had chronicled this or something. It's a whole sort of Trump, you know, those paintings that are supposed to look like the actual thing at the end of your hall called, I think it's called Trump Loyal.

I might always mispronounce it. But it's almost the Trump Loyal world that the Internet, where people can subjectify the empirical, quite frankly. I have no doubt sometime in my lifetime, Nick, I'm going to hear a kid say 2 plus 2 equals 5 because that's what I feel it is today. That's how I identify that stuff today. And people are just going to nod. They're going to nod. We've gone completely strippy. And it's the people that nod that need to be taken out too.

My favorite line in your special, by the way, when you were talking about at the beginning, you were doing some stuff about flying, and you talked about that crazy guy that they yanked off the plane in the United flight, Dr. Hao or Chao. And you said, this is classic. I love reference-laden comedy. Obviously, that's one of my favorites.

But you said, this guy was crazier than Rasputin's margin doodles. I had to pause it. I always thought that monks had such a drag job doing the calligraphy. I said, I'd love to see some of the shit that didn't make the page after they used the paper cutter. A picture of a unicorn shooting, you know, herculoid death pellets out of its horn, shit like that. And then you said you followed a guy, you know,

that came out of the bathroom on the plane, and you're like, I don't know what he did in there, but let me just say it was a silhouette-changing bomb. It must have been a silhouette-altering bomb. Altering bomb. I mean, Jesus Christ. And then a couple other ones. I wrote down about eight of them that have me.

Oh, the meeting with Schumer and Pelosi when they met with Trump. Schumer pre-chewing Pelosi's food and putting it in an eyedropper. Putting the banner big like Bob Stroud on the rock. I mean, guys, it's filled with it. It is filled. Dennis has put out a ton of tremendous work over the years, and this is as good as any of it uh yeah that's so nice honest to god i didn't i didn't know what to expect man i i just i i know

i expect excellent from you but uh you know it flew by that's how i knew i i couldn't believe like i looked down and then it was you know five minutes left i'm like what who are you uh who are you digging right now by the way do you like brian reagan does he make you laugh brian always made me laugh uh the first time i moved to new york city the first time i'm i i like guys he i mean he's brilliant you know he's brilliant but i i still like i still like the guys that spill their guts up there and they're all gone now i mean the kennesins the hicks uh you know, the Mark Minimans. I know. And, you know, I like the edgy, but I like smart.

But Brian Regan, I mean, he's the first guy I saw when I moved to New York City at Catch a Rising Star. I had to go on. I was following him. And he's up there doing that video about being a teacher and breaking down a sentence and and and i'm like i literally was gonna get in a cab go back to my apartment and pack my bags go back to boston i'm like oh my god and uh i dig uh i mean dougie stanhope is the real deal he's got a screw loose and he's but he's the real deal it just pours out of him and and dave attell and the and the louis cks and billy burr billy burr is like every guy i grew up with in boston he looks like every kid i hung out with

in boston and uh he's as funny as they come so and colin quinn is that he reminds me of uh steve sweeney remember oh my god he used to do that funny bit where he'd say, see where Bing Crosby's kids and his dad hit him. Yeah, my dad broke your dad's fucking albums over my face. Join the club. Dennis, that's my first year in comedy, and I had to follow that at Nick's Comedy Club on Friday nights with Steve Sweeney doing that. Oh, Nick.

Can you imagine Don Gavin would go up Sweeney, and I'd have to go follow that i mean you couldn't do it without an eight ball no that's like murderers row oh murderers row in boston those guys i remember i called gary mule deer once because in them nicks was a hooked up place as they say in the mob business and i oh yeah i was going up there to do it for my first time and i said i called gary mer, who preceded me the week before. And I said, Gary, what should I know about Knicks? And he said, get paid in cash after each joke.

That was no joke, man. I saw Amazing, remember Amazing Jonathan, the fake magician? Sure. He's up there doing, and part of his act, he would lay out a line of cocaine on this table, like two feet long, but it was like, it was talcum powder. But somebody told me after the show, he has a real line of coke behind it, like the same length that it was. I mean-

He was a wild man. Oh my God, he was crazy. And yeah, that's where I cut my teeth. That's why I talk at 100 miles an hour. What was that Chinese place up there, Nick, called Ding Ho's or something? Well, the Ding Ho was the first comedy club. That was before me.

That's where Lenny started and Don Gavin and Barry Crimmins founded that place, I it's a chinese restaurant in cambridge uh but but the the other place you might be thinking of was kowloon the kowloon restaurant that was nick's satellite room well all i remember is when you'd go up to boston i remember i'd say to uh jerry i said jesus i just got buried i'd get back to ketch and i'd see sign phone i'd say to Jerry, I said, Jesus, I just got buried. I'd get back to catch and I'd see Seinfeld and I'd say, I just saw Steve Sweeney open for me. He did an hour. He was doing a 15-minute chunk about the helicopter traffic reporter. He knew him. He was just killing. I get up after him and I'm croaking it and Seinfeld said,

bottle city of Candor. And I said, what do you mean, Jerry? And he said, Steve's got the inside stuff, but it's like the Bottle City of Candor in the Superman comics. You come out of here under the yellow sun, you can't fly. That is perfect. As long as he's safe. Anyways. that is perfect anyways it was true all that inside stuff

when you you know you'd go up to San Francisco and the Alan Moss would open for you and he had all the inside stuff they'd do an hour you would just be

tromped in the dust and but then again you take that hour about the traffic copter guy in San Francisco out to Tulsa

and it's just not working so that always the Seinfeld always yeah had a laser lock on it so when he even said that he was in a comics come home like even eight ten years ago and he did a few minutes he goes yeah that joke will go as far as fucking boylston street i mean uh he was a killer though oh my Oh, my God. He was the Bill Burr of his day, right? He killed. Oh, my God. Translated out as a huge following.

I listened to Burr's podcast the other day. Honestly, God, Nick, he kicked off his European dates. He was like, I'll be in St. Petersburg. I know. Red Menace Shack. I thought, Jesus, God, I can't believe these guys are playing. Yeah, well, I'll be a place called Lucy's in Pleasantville five minutes from my house next weekend.

But, hey, Dennis, I can't thank you enough. And you guys, if you're Dennis Miller fans, seriously, it's called Fake News, Real Jokes. He's at the top of his game, and you've always been an influence of mine, obviously, and I'm glad you could join us. I respect you immensely, and I love you. Same here, and you can catch him,

the Dennis Miller option on Podcast One. Dennis, we'll talk to you soon. Take care, buddy. Have a happy holidays, Nicky. You too. He, the great Dennis Miller, and as special as, man, it's no fat fat and it's

smart and and funny and uh it's not overly political there's a nice mix in there so uh good dude hey ryan this will interest you uh gamblers doubling down on transgender miss universe contestant to win theant to win the pageant. You can act like a man. What's the matter with you? Miss Universe is breaking new ground at this year's pageant with the first transgender contestant to ever compete for the crown. And those betting on the competition are declaring her a heavy favorite. Angela Ponce won her qualifying round in Spain

by arm wrestling eight, no, and will represent her country at the 2018 Miss Universe pageant in Bangkok, Thailand. Ponce, who hails from Seville, Seville, excuse me, got some smudge in my glasses, was the first transgender woman to be crowned Miss Universe Spain

and is competing to promote gender diversity and equality. He's a fan. No, no, no. He's a good-looking broad is what he is. Really, promoting diversity, gender, and equality. I haven't heard anybody promote him on that. Okay, now, is that really a... That's a...

Sorry. I guess I like guys now i mean what the now was she snipped and everything i don't think she had legs like that and there's a big cock in the middle i mean that would be a surprise the face there's something still a little manly about the face huh you can't really alter the cheekbones with estrogen. Have you looked into that? Yeah.

You can't sand those down a little bit. They're a little pronounced. But the rest of her, well, that and her size 16 foot sort of, she has the hands of Billy and Bear, but I mean, you look, you would think that was a beautiful, hey, look, when we have eight drinks in us, right? You're at a bar, you guys, and you have six martinis in you. You can make a four into a nine, so that's going to fool you.

Even with a... No? Ryan? Oh, hell yeah. I'd get fooled. I'd get fooled 100% there. Four vodka raspberries? Who are you kidding?

Fucking diet ginger ale. You'd be down on that. Come on, Ryan. But that looks like a beautiful woman if you look real quick. And then you notice her back is wider

than Ray Lewis's and you're like, what the fuck? But, uh, she's a, but of course she's the favorite because she's transgender.

Don't tell me there's not other women who have little petite feet. As the competition nears, online bookies are taking action, and Ponce has grown to become the clear favorite. What's the over-under on her cock? To put it in perspective, the Miss USA Sarah Rose Summers has odds of plus 2,000

if she wins a competition. Ponce current odds plus 600. However, if you're looking for the big payday, you may want to put your money on Miss Meridius, a small island in the Indian Ocean where I have a summer home. Urvashi Gharia currently pays out at plus 20,000 if she wins. What does that mean, though? She's an underdog? If it's a high payout, is it like horse racing?

If the odds are really slim, it pays off. This broad can have one arm, and she's cracking coconuts with her head. That was her talent part of it. But, I mean, come on. Jason, your thoughts on that girl next to the wicker chair slash man. That fooled me on first glance. I looked at the hands. Beautiful.

He's a fan. No, he's not. He's a woman now. Cut the guy some slackage. I mean, I want to know how much work. Was it like a real fixer-upper you know you buy a fixer-upper you can either put five grand into it

or 75,000 into the kitchen was he a pretty boy speaking of pretty boys I watched Rob Lowe in Youngblood the hockey movie back in the 80s holy shit the 80s

guys you want a lesson in bad movies that wasn't that bad but the 80s, guys, you want a lesson in bad movies, that wasn't that bad, but it's, the 80s have these corny, it's always got this shitty dance music in the background, and, um, but it was a hockey movie, so I watched it, I had seen it before in the 80s, hey, we talked about the Penn, uh, Chris Penn, excuse me, the Sean Penn kid rock thing that they did together where, you know, kid rocks a real right winger and Sean Penn is to the left of a fucking, you know, any of the Castros. But they got together because they're superstars and they're a little older and mature now and did this thing.

I'm not going to show it because the whole thing's 10 minutes long. Excuse me. At the end, they sort of agree that they disagree or whatever. I remember being congenial at the end, but I wanted to show you the part that I like best. It's about two minutes of the 10 minutes

where they get into each other's faces about politics. Here you go. You've probably seen it before. You know what? Fucking suck it, commie. Commie? At least I'm not a seal clubbing,

confederate flag waving, oil whoring, Chick-fil-A eating, water boarding, NASCAR loving, Cayman Island bank account having, endangered species hunting, war mongering, redneck, toothless, Wall Street troglodyte. Yeah, I guess not. That's because you're basically a tofu munching, welfare loving,

Prius driving, Obama sucking, tree hugging, whale saving, gay marriage fantasizing, big government voting, PETA chasing, Oprah Winfrey masturbating, flag burning, socialist ACLU whiny ass granola crap. Wasn't that great? I actually didn't like them when they got together and said yeah that's how let's not pretend that's how it is pretty much and uh i'm sorry but kid rock was right but i you know what sean penn i i obviously i hate his politics and shit but i like his moxie i like that he used to get in fight with paparazzis that were, you know, fucking invading his home. And, but, you know, he's stone cold communist.

But best actor of my generation, in my opinion. And I love Kid Rock, too. I'm on Kid Rock's side politically. But I thought that was pretty cool. And, again, if I wanted to bring us all together like Dennis said which is never going to happen I think social media proves that like he said I would have showed the whole thing with a nice happy ending but that's what Hollywood does

they give you false hope the world's a as Trump would say the world is a shithole it's a big hole of shit but I enjoyed that Sean Penn's a killer fucking act. And Kid Rock

held his own there. 300 pound woman guilty of crushing a boyfriend. That's the music she played when she comes into a room. A woman has pleaded guilty to killing her boyfriend by stabbing him, hitting him with a table leg, and crushing him under the weight of her roughly 300 pounds.

Wendy Thomas, Wendy, not Wendy, Wendy, of Erie, faces a sentence of 18 to 36 years after pleading guilty to third degree murder. She'll be sentenced on December 21st. Listen to this. That's the least disturbing thing about this article.

Her crushing him. The 44-year-old Thomas admitted killing Keno Butler last March partially by lying on top of him. Thomas weighs about 300 pounds. That's a chick. While the 44-year-old Butler, and no, he's not a butler, quit it out there, weighed 120 pounds.

That's one of her legs. Thomas was reportedly drunk and wanted to smoke some crack like we all do when we get home from the fucking welfare office. The pair got into an argument that ended in Butler's death. Butler, who went by the name Loco, is survived by a daughter, Adelaide Brown, two grandchildren, his mother, and get this, nine siblings. Nine siblings. The guy just wanted to smoke some crack. Now, I can tell right now, if he was a loving boyfriend, he would have got her hooked on crack and shed about a hundred pounds in three minutes. Am I right, fellas? But she needed the glassware for pudding and they get into a fucking scrub.

Fondue. Do you not love that story? A 300 pound white chick. This is a warning to you black fellas out there who like these fat white broads. Be careful. They roll over on you. They're going to fuck you up. Especially if you're a 120-pound crack addict. Be careful.

But is that not a story from 2018 America? 300-pound white woman, 120-pound black boyfriend is a crack addict. They get in a fight and he crushes her. Makes Jerry Springer look like fucking PBS. Nine siblings. That's where it all starts, folks. Speaking of nine siblings, why do you say that, Nick? Former Seattle Seahawks cornerback. We've been, the National Felon League, we've been documenting it. Kareem Hunt, a great running back who I said, I love this kid. Turns out he's very thuggerish with his attitude and behavior towards women. Well, a day after that, former Seattle Seahawks cornerback Brandon Browner was sentenced to eight years in a California state prison after pleading guilty to attempted murder.

Browner, 34, was charged in July for an incident in Laverne, California. The Laverne Police Department news release details charges that include robbery, burglary, false imprisonment, felonies, as well as two misdemeanor counts of child endangerment. He is alleged to have broken into an ex-girlfriend's apartment where he dragged and smothered her in a carpet. It's got to be an easier way. How about my pillow in front of her two children? He allegedly broke a locked window and stole $20,000 Rolex. Can you say stereotype? A $20,000 Rolex before fleeing the scene.

He was later arrested and has been in custody since July. There's something wrong with the black man's mind. There's something wrong with his mind. No, just the defensive backs. Brown a plea to no contest to one count of attempted murder and two counts of willful child endangerment. The site reported that the robbery burglary... Did I just read that? I can't even tell.

Brown assigned with the Seahawks in 2011, played through 2013. He was a member of the Legion of Boom, which was a killer secondary. Remember Sherman and Chancellor and Earl Thomas? They would knock your block off. He won a Super Bowl with Seattle after the 2013

season. The following year, he won a Super Bowl with the Pats against his former team. I kind of remember him getting him. I just don't remember seeing him on the field. I know he had a Rolex on one play. They called interference on him, and they zoomed in. But I don't remember. I do remember getting excited when they got a defensive back from Seattle.

It must've been him, but Jesus Christ NFL. So he's going away. You don't have to worry about the exempt. And you remember Ray Carruth? You guys probably don't, but this was a 15, 20 years ago. It was a Carolina Panther. He shot his pregnant wife or had somebody, he was in the car. His friend shot the, he just got out of prison

after like 20 years um the nfl is looking more in the modern day and if i was looking more and more like the longest yard the original movie it's a fucking prison these guys they're either uh going to prison right after they get out of football or they've been there right after college or whatever. But my God. I want to put out statistics of the white crime, the white players and their crimes and the black players and their just to see. Nick, why is that? Well, we keep those statistics in society. We know that black people make up about 14% of the population,

but about 68% of the violent crime. I just want to see... Well, that wouldn't be fair, because there's only 11 white people in the NFL. I know, but I'd like to hear about an outlaw kicker. Well, who's that fat guy, Janikowski? The kicker for, I don't know where he is now, Carolina, whatever. But he was an Oakland Raider.

He had about 19 arrests. Only the Raiders could draft a kicker who had a fucking drinking problem and he was like a bull. That's why I was always a Raider fan. But yeah, so this guy's going away. You ain't going to see him no more. Finally, tonight on meet the press first amendment is what i say high school uh high school newspaper northwest arkansas has

been reinstated after it was suspended for publishing an article criticizing the transfer of five football players to a rival high school publication ofation of Harbor, that's H-A-R-B-E-R high school, the paper was suspended after it published a months-long investigation into the transfer of five varsity players from Harbor to Springdale High School. It's arch rival within the Springdale public school district. The student newspaper reported that at least two of the players acknowledged that they did so to have a better chance of playing football, which would violate district policy. The district instructed the newspaper. Again, this is a high school newspaper.

The district instructed the newspaper's teacher advisor, Carlos Sprague, to remove the story from its website. And the article was taken down. So much for free speech. These fucking lefty bureaucrats. You know they're lefties because they're running in the school system. Sprague and the newspaper staff tried to get the district to allow it to be republished, but on November 26th, Springdale Superintendent Jim Rollins wrote in a letter to Sprague that the story would not be republished

because, listen to this, it was intentionally negative, demeaningogatory hurtful and potentially harmful to the students addressed in those articles you're the fucking problem you fucking dr y onking jam rag arkin spunk bubble i'm telling you h you keep looking at me i'm gonna put you in the fucking ground i promise you not this time rollins also called it extremely divisive and disruptive to the school district who do these fucking people think they fucking are these are the people educating your kids they have no clue about the first amendment they know what's good what you can handle what you can't what people are going to find offensive what's going to hurt people's

feelings who the fuck do they think they are these sanctimonious douchebags jesus christ it's an investigative back in the day somebody would have said that's a great article for a high school newspaper that's an interesting story again i don't know the color of the football players that's my first instinct because if it was you know it doesn't matter you know, oh, they could hurt the people involved. Shut the fuck up. The players admitted that they want to go to another rival high school, and it's against the district's policy.

How is that not a good story? Because it might hurt somebody's, shut the fuck up. This world is like, the people are like made of cotton candy, and it's pouring out. God fucking damn it paul gripe good name for him or greep the principal of high bar high school also sent a memo to sprague on november 27 saying that nothing could be published without prior review by the school authorities. Isprachen Sie Deutschen! Raus und jetzt raus! While new guidelines for student media were being created, failure to follow this directive will result in disciplinary

action. In other words, shut the fuck up and mind your business. We don't like this story. We'll punish you if you try. Failure to follow this directive will result in disciplinary action, up to and including a recommendation for termination of your employment contract, he wrote. What a fucking...

If I could, I'd grab this microphone and I'd beat your brains out with it because that's what you deserve. That's what you deserve. But like all spineless school administrators, on Monday after the story garnered national attention, administrators on monday after the story guarded national attention students told uh 49 dash slash 29 news that the administration announced that the student publication could be reinstated in other words the whole world had to weigh in and go who the fuck do you think you are and then they crumble students believe that the school officials attempted to censor their publication and that their first Amendment rights have been violated. Well, can you see it any other way?

Unless you're being intellectually dishonest. I am in the process of writing an official and legal appeal to the district, Jack Williams, a junior, and one of the staff writers said, good for you, Jack. Don't take no shit off nobody. Un-fucking-believable. We don't like it. We don't agree no shit off nobody unfucking believable we don't like it we don't agree with it so we're not gonna let you

fucking hey I forgot to show that vid of the the black guy and the white girl we still have it if you want it we have a little bit of footage of them getting ready

we're gonna go on a honeymoon but then they end up getting married. Every day that passes, my lymphedema gets worse and worse. Oh, that's fat shaming. No, it isn't. That's not even, because that's not fat. I don't know what that is at that point. All I know, if I was going to draft a goalie in the NHL,

I'm calling her tomorrow. She's got built-in pads. Are those real? Look at this poor bastard breaking his back. By the way, that's not the couple in the story. We just toss that in there to offend the people that run this school that crush stories in a high school newspaper. Anyways, that is it, kids.

That is it for today. I didn't get to the National Republican Congressional Committee suffered a cyber intrusion. Ooh, that sounds gross. Hope it wasn't digital. That is it. Thanks to the great Dennis Miller. And again, the special is fake news, real jokes, and Amazon everywhere digitally.

And it's pretty killer. Anything else, fellas? Super chats. Go ahead. Fard Muhammad says, I attended the tapings for Dennis' last two specials. Always a pleasure to see him live. So glad to hear the two of you converse. Nick and Dennis, smiley face.

Fard Mohammed is a black dude in Chicago who comes to see me every time I play Zanies. He's a comedian himself. Fard, I hope you're still at it. He sent me a clip a couple years ago of you doing a few minutes and it was very funny, very smart. Hope you're still at it. I remember you kept looking down at your notes and I

said, get rid of those fuckers or something like that and uh you wouldn't meet a nicer guy he comes to every time i go to chicago he uh he's a great guy i got one more from anna bear big fan dennis thank you for the great stories love you nicky thank you uh anna bear yes what do you mean like a like a lion and a bear we're walking through the jungle i don't know what i'm saying i gotta piss before my belt breaks anyways that is it folks uh thank you so much i will see most of you patreon uh people if you haven't uh if you guys want all four shows you gotta subscribe at patreon.com slash Nick and go to nicktip.com actually to my website. I keep saying that.

And again, I forgot to fucking, when I tweeted out about the show, I didn't put the time again. I'm losing my brains. Anyways,

you think it, I'll say it. You're very welcome and I will see some of you tomorrow. Take care. I'll see you next time.