The Nick DiPaolo Show - DeSantis Smacks The Mouse | Nick Di Paolo Show #1387

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about a secret Chinese police staion in US, a strange beheading and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://NickDiPaoloShow.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 That's when it just clicked in my mind that if you just run through somebody's face, a lot of people ain't going to be able to take that over and over and over and over and over. I want all of you to enjoy your cake. So enjoy. Enjoy your Skittles. How are you, folks? Welcome to the big filthy show on a whatever. Anyways, great to be with you again, wherever I am. I haven't had time to shit this week. I went from having like, well, I've had two jobs for a while to having four now. And I thought I wanted to be busy and make money. I got to be honest with you. Fuck this. Waiting for that Pandora money to come in. You know what the fuck I'm talking about. Anyways, you guys know about that. It's made public, this suit. So if you don't hear me on serious radio, it's about 80, 90 grand a year that I'm losing right now in hopes of this lawsuit.

Why I'm talking about this now, I have no idea. I'm just fucking ugly today. That's how I woke up. Might have something to do with the diet, man. I'm actually sticking to it. It's been about, I don't know, five days now and nothing. Not an ounce

of sugar, flour, whatever the hell. Eating like raw broccoli. No. It's cooked. But it's fucking. Going to bed. For me, I got to go to bed hungry to lose weight. That's the key for me.

Because after 7 p.m., I turn into frigging, you know, just one of those, my 600-pound life people. I just can't fucking stop and um yeah yeah boneless skinless chicken bro that's delicious and these are south beach style you can actually eat normally but the first two weeks you gotta do can't have any not even fruit and shit just you know kind of healthy lean proteins that includesizz. That's right. Dylan Mulvaney, give me a call. Sick of that fucking fruit cup. If we're not Rome in the final weeks or days, seriously, didn't Rome go down in flames?

And weren't they, wasn't it like a big orgy? Everybody was fucking everybody. And isn't that the last thing to go when an empire falls? It is, right? Are we not? And I'm not even bringing an AI into it. I watched an interview with Elon Musk on Tucker Carlton. It was so good because Tucker's is, you know, really bright and knows just what to ask him. And just listening to Elon talk, you go, man, just as for a young guy, you're like, where do you get all that brains and that wisdom, you know?

But he was talking, sorry, folks, I forgot. I don't have a cough, but this is a fake show. But he was talking about AI. And when he gets the shivers, and it's his old friend Larry Page, who I think is an old Microsoft guy, right? He started Google, but he was a partner in Google. He's the one, he's the devil who wants to, you know, what's his name?

Elon's like, let's put the brakes on this till we figure out what kind of effects it's gonna have. And Larry Page is like, you're a puss. He wants to create a digital god. That's kind of creepy, isn't it? So why don't somebody whack him? Seriously, if we know what the problem is and it could destroy humanity, but you know what? There's probably a million Larry Pages out there. All he has to do is let it out of the, it's already out there, baby. Who knows? I don't know. But even Elon Musk, they were like friends.

He's like, that's when I said, fuck you, you're nuts. Elon's like, how about, you know, humanity stuff? And Larry Page goes, oh, you're a species. Yeah, I'm a human species. You're human. What are you? They had a good laugh over there. So that's kind of between that and all the transgender.

I'm just connecting the dots. I read history. Didn't retain any of it. My grades will prove that. Anyways, so I just wanted to bring all the positive news. I checked my phone, right, for any big stories, right before we come on here. Clip, New York Post. And I go to the post. Yes, because because it's uh you know you don't have to read for 30 minutes to get the point of the article and that's what people joke about but it's all it's getting kind of left wing too it's all the young douchebags but anyways I go there and the in the front page the top story changes like every couple hours I just went on there's a clip of a black cop female female cop, New York cop,

standing on the sidewalk with her partner. This guy comes up from behind. I don't know what his race is. You can't tell. Cracks her in the back of the head with a bottle. And then the headlines. Do you guys read the headlines? Go to every website and read the headlines. You'll go, what is going on?

Mothers strangling kids Kids pulled into a driveway yesterday the wrong driveway By accident some like high school-aged girls woman shoots them shoots through the window of their car Cuz you know they turn into our driveway, so they deserve to die All right, let's get on with it. Now to the happy news. Please, please. Chinese bacon. What? The FBI and federal prosecutors announced Monday the arrests of two New York residents, again,

New York residents, who allegedly ran an undisclosed Chinese government police station in Manhattan's Chinatown neighborhood. Ain't that good? Can you imagine? Used to go there for the Peking duck. Shut up, bitch. That was Liu Jianwang talking. No.

Liu, oh, Liu Jianwang and Chen Jinping. Wait a minute, Xi Jinping? Is that the two? You found these guys? What, were they in a wet market jerking each other off? Look at you. You, get out of my country. You know what?

All the racists, all the white people back in the 30s, they were right. They were right about all of it, okay? All of it. Anyhow, okay, they went a little far, but no. Fuck off. Liu Zhiguang, Chen Jinping have each been charged with

serving raccoon with broccoli instead of actual chicken. Here's Ted with sports. No, have been charged with conspiring to act as agents of China's government. This is in the United States, by the way. According to the United States Attorney's Office for the Eastern District of New York. Well, Breon Peace, that's the name of a guy, the U.S.

Attorney, that sounds like a defensive back for the Broncos, attorney for that office said China's Ministry of Public Security, that would be MPS, has repeatedly and flagrantly violated our nation's sovereignty, including by opening and operating a police station in the middle of New York City. Biden's son, Hunter Biden. Yeah, why don't you check the surveillance cams to see if Hunter been around. So they opened their own police station in Chinatown, like in a nondescript building. And, you know, we're too busy doing whatever.

Oh, chasing Trump. Yeah, making sure that's... Anyways, two miles from our office, just across the Brooklyn Bridge, this nondescript office building in the heart of bustling Chinatown in lower Manhattan has a dark secret. Until several months ago, an entire floor of this building hosted an undeclared police station of the Chinese National Police. Do you think they mean business, folks, the Chinese? You don't think they're coming here soon? Think maybe you want to get jerk jerk off out of office right now?

Doesn't matter who's going to be in there. Well, I mean, they've made a lot of progress with retard in office. Plus, he's compromised by China. So it makes it very easy. He ain't going to say shit. I got to believe this news got back to the, you know, White House. Now, just imagine this, the NYPD opening an undeclared secret police station in Beijing. I can't because we're not as smart as them.

How about that? How about that? Can you imagine them, the Chinese, are at a meeting, and then you throw AI on top of it? They're so smart, I already refer to Chinese people as artificial intelligence. Secret police station in Beijing. Can you imagine trying to do that? We couldn't. It would be unthinkable. Yeah, because we're not that bright. Here's what we know happened inside the secret police station in Lower Manhattan.

At the very least, the station was providing some government services, like helping Chinese citizens renew their Chinese driver's license. I don't mean to laugh, but I do. Can you imagine? First of all, that's the biggest weapon they have, giving Chinese people their driver's license. Am I right?

What's more dangerous than that? I know it's no stereotype, but I live there. Peace continued. But to do even that, the law requires that individuals like the defendants who act as agents of a foreign government give prior notice to the attorney general. Yeah, that's what they're going to do. They're going to give prior notice. They're going to do things right when they're doing things under the... Before a settling up shop, setting up shop, I'm sorry, in New York City.

That didn't happen. Well, surprise. They didn't go by the rules as they're setting up a secret police station. Oh my God, we're finished. Wake up, white people. More troubling, though, is the fact that the secret police station appears to have had a more sinister use on at least one occasion. Peace added. An official of the Chinese National Police directed one of the defendants, a U.S. citizen who worked at the secret police station, to help locate a pro-democracy activist of Chinese descent living in California. In other words, the Chinese National Police appear to have been using the station to track a u.s resident on u.s soil how about that you're a warmy cocksucker you know that i'm just reporting on news bitch

and across state lines and across state lines wait a minute you're being funny right oh who cares who cares about that they're fucking they've already we're a sovereign nation they've already Whatever You can throw that charge on top It's actually a good point Anyways Let's move on

I couldn't resist one I couldn't resist one This one Slow down Nick I couldn't resist one Who am I? Dylan Mulvaney in a bathhouse? I couldn't resist it there was holes all over the

place by the way finally getting a so-called permanent bridge today i needed that on top of like nine other things i have to do i'll be uncool whatever that's near the hair there finally i just hope he doesn't come to me with a, look it, that's the temporary one. I go, it's a fucking quarter inch short. Oh, it won't be as bad as that. It won't be as bad as that. What the fuck? Barney Fife drilling.

Jesus H. Christ, Heloise. Where am I? Heads roll. A husband and wife. This is an interesting one. This one made me belly laugh. And it was good to hear some horrible news coming out of somewhere other than Chicago. Or a husband and wife from India.

Let me, can I just opine about India? Is it not a shithole? Is there any nice parts of India? I've never seen one on TV. Every time they show a clip of India, it's people living on top of each other. There's always phone lines hanging and going across the road.

Young girls being raped by packs of... That's become like a trend over there. And this... I know there's good and bad everywhere folks don't give me the fucking lib lecture shit I understand that but Indians are real the ones that come here gonna save the goddamn country they're smart they work around the clock said that about the Asians too but they're setting up fucking Facebook fake police anyways a husband and wife from India get this god it made me hard

simultaneously decapitated themselves. I was hoping they were going to say by accident. I would have been belly laughing. You know what I mean? I don't know how that would have happened. I thought they were going to be on like a, you know what, a fucking, some type of roller coaster. Somebody set up a trip wire like I tried at Six Flags in high school. Somebody set up a trip wire like I tried at Six Flags in high school.

Decapitated themselves over the weekend using an improvised guillotine, rigged in such a way that their seven heads, listen to this, this is like Vegas shit. This is like Vegas. What were the two fags with the tigers? Come on, you've got to answer one of these. You're 20 years younger than me. What's your excuse? Roy and Dick Sucker?

You are correct, sir. Rigged in such a way that their seven heads, after they chop their heads up, roll directly into a fire halter. A goddamn pinball machine. Yes. I just picture like the fountains at Caesar's Palace into a fire as form of human sacrifice.

How do you not read the rest of this? Are you interested in the real story? You're goddamn right I am, you motherless fuck. Farmer, oh, here come the Indian names. Let's call him Phil Magoo. Farmer, oh, here come the Indian names. Let's call him Phil Magoo. Farmer Hambai.

And again, if I could, hold on, let me get the fucking cum out of my eye. Jesus. Oh, Farmer Maquana, 38, and his wife, Hansaben Maquana, 35, committed the sickening act sometime between Saturday and Sunday in the village of Vinchaya. The couple first, what are the odds I'm getting these right? The couple first prepared a fire altar before putting their heads under a guillotine-like mechanism held by a rope. Well, how do you know that? Did you interview the heads? What we did, bud, was, what, did you film it? How do they know this? The mechanism was held by a rope. As soon as they released the rope, an iron blade fell on

them, severing their heads, which rolled into the fire. Look at that beautiful one-bedroom in Calcutta. That would be $4,500 in Manhattan. Look at that. That's India to me, and I don't give a shit if there's nice parts. There's more parts like this. I was looking for the heads for like 10 minutes. Anyways, that's what the police sub-inspector found. The couple's two children, this is the gross part, ages 12 and 13,

found their headless torsos. Now, there's a lot of kids who would love to find that, but I'm just saying, I'm sure these are good people. Can you imagine? You know, they're going to be damaged. They found their headless torsos when they returned home from visiting their nearby uncle in a village where they had been sent by their parents the day before.

Kid, you've got to get out of the house. Something's going to go down here. According to the authorities, hey, dad, what's the fire pit for? Mind your business, Ching Flo. According to the authorities, they found a suicide note written in Guadalajara. I speak that fluently. Stating that the couple had taken their own lives willingly and that no one else was to blame for their deaths.

in their own lives willingly and that no one else was to blame for their deaths. Jadeja said investigators were taking statements from relatives and trying to determine whether the twin beheadings were part of a black magic ritual. Don't be bringing the blacks into this. The couple had been worshiping the god Shiva. Oh, what a bitch she is. Have you had the Shiva? Oh, gee, the curry. One of the main deities of Hinduism.

At an improvised temple called Second City. Fuck off. They had set up on their property. Every day for the past year, They've been praying to this altar. So I don't feel that bad to you. Well, whose fault is that? Apparently theirs. Hans Sabins, that's the wife's cousin,

Jayanti, Jayapada, he helped me try to get cum out of a mouse pad on my phone at three in the morning. Did you try powering it down? Did you try club soda and lemon, my friend? It was not... Did you say powering down? That happened right after I blew my load, Shankly.

Facing financial hardships or relationship problems before their deaths. The case was being investigated as an accident. What? You just said at the top of the story it was a suicide by accident? Yeah, the fucking wife hit the rope with her elbow and then ran under it.

What are you talking? As an accidental death and the victim's bodies were sent to a coroner's office, well, they'd be turned into some type of goulash. Coroner's office to undergo autopsies. Wow. I want to be a detective. I watch ID Network.

If I could come back, I'd think, I'm going to find out what the hell happens here. Yeah, that's what I want to do. Pretty gross, huh? Hey, for those of you on Mug Club Stick around for the second half of the show Everyone else go to nickdopaloshow.com And join to get my full show And Crowder's full show And a lot more

And while you're there At my website Get tickets to see me live May 12th, Daytona Beach, Florida In Arlington, Virginia July 14th and 15th Okay? I'd love to see out there

We could do shots and touch each other. Even the guys. It's a new world. And I can't wait to leave it. 61, it won't be long now. guitar solo Outro Music