The Nick DiPaolo Show - Dirty Kamala Washes Hands of Afghanistan | Nick Di Paolo Show #591

Episode Date: August 19, 2021

Schmuck D. VP Loses Her Shirt. Curb Your McCarthysim.

Hi boys and girls, Nick DiPaolo here. Free speech lives right here on the Nick DiPaolo Show. I'm grateful to be able to do this show my way, and I'm only able to do it my way because of your generous contributions. Please go to nickdip.com or click the link on thecomicsgym.com and contribute today to keep this show and our speech free. Thank you so much. I wonder if he called out other politicians before that song. Yeah, this goes out to that bitch-ass punk, Mitch McConnell. Yeah, yeah, yeah, boy!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, boy! Welcome to the big show. Final day of the week on a Thursday. Real quick note, my flight's not till, uh, in the evening on Monday, so we will be doing a show on Monday. Alright? Can't leave you people. I'll be gone long enough, so mark that down. Anyways, uh, good to be with you. Can't believe it's Thursday already. Um, yeah yeah how about chuck schumer huh he's not shameless is he suck that black dick chuck anything anything you see him walking out there like he was uh he had the rhythm of a fucking nazi furnace what do you have blisters

on his heels you walked out all hunched over. Chuck, you'll do anything, huh? The Democrats need those, and the black people are starting to hate you. You know that? Yeah, yeah. You sure is, Chuck. Schmuck D. Raising the roof and the rent. Good night, everybody.

Oh, rim shot. Don't fucking have it. Oh, and another quick note. It's called an OTT note, whatever that is. Technical talk. Real quickly, we know that the OTT, that's pronounced O-T-T, the apps are down today. We're working on an update and should have it done within the next few days. In the meantime, you can always see the show at comicsgym.com or at

nickdip.com. Thanks for your patience. That's like Roku and Apple TV. We're having a few problems. They should be worked out by the end of the day. And again, thank you for your patience. It's so embarrassing what these politicians will do. Doesn't that say everything

about Schumer? Senate Majority Leader, he drew jeers. He didn't draw anything. The people were embarrassed that he was, and these are supposedly his constituents. He drew jeers for his awkward flow. Oh, that was a flow. At a Bronx hip-hop concert celebrating the start of New York City's

Homecoming Week Monday. The fuck is that? Holding a large plaque, the 70-year-old, as rappers will do, the 70-year-old New York lawmaker shimmied up on stage where Bronx Borough President Ruben Diaz Jr. set him up by asking, you got some bars, Chuck? Of course I do. You talking about goal, yo? A clip of the cringe inducing performance was posted

on twitter by guess who this is like a drive-by on a rapper on another rapper de blasio posted it on twitter you know because he was laughing there he is eating a celery stick what a dink. That's what rats eat anyways. Anyways, yeah, de Blasio posted it. His press secretary, Bill Neidhart, with responses raging. Here's some of the responses. Sorry. Sorry, I can't. Oh, Lord. Please just don't do it, was another response on stage.

Please just don't do it, was another response on stage. And then apparently he got into it with Ruben Diaz's manager. Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker, you. Schumer and Diaz Jr. weren't the only politicians to make it out to Orchard Beach. The mayor was also in attendance because he also sucks black ass, appearing like a kid in a candy store when he met Bronx rapper Slick Rick backstage. The legendary performer placed a giant Africa chain around his honor's neck. It looks like that's what they put around your neck when a college football

team picks off a pass. You know how the defense has their... He looks like a U-Miami defensive back. He put a giant African chain around his neck, and de Blasio gushed, and this is a quote, does it get better than this? Does it really, my answer? Yes, sir.

I feel special now. Oh, my God, how sad. Did he get beat up by black kids as a kid? Have you ever met somebody who needed black approval? Thank you to Slick Rick for the greatest honor of my career. You got that right. The mayor added in a clip of the encounter. Who gives a fuck what you think?

Exactly. You're ruining the greatest city ever. Now you're making people show passports to go into bars and restaurants. Nice going, Hitler. Do you have your walking papers? And you can't go into Applebee's on no vaccination papers.

Cocksucker. Biden removed Trump administration's evacuation plans. We're moving to a new story. This is the big story, man. Biden, oh my God. Do you understand? This is like, he could be mortally wounded as a president. This was a big one.

This was, and then he's backpedaling. He's making it worse. He's going on TV and being interviewed and coming up with these insane fucking excuses. He actually had the balls to say, we knew that was going to happen. That was built into the plan. Joe Biden's State Department moved to cancel a critical State Department program, by the way, a Trump administration program, aimed at providing swift and safe evacuations of Americans out of crisis zones just months prior to the fall of Kabul, the National Pulse exclusively revealed.

The Contingency and CRIS Response Bureau, which was designed to handle medical, diplomatic, and logistical support concerning Americans overseas, was paused by shithead Anthony Blinken's State Department earlier this year. You know why that is, folks? They were so blinded by their hatred of Trump, so blinded, they just wanted to get rid of anything that had Trump's fingerprints on it so they could take credit for it. Well, you did it. It's all on you now. Just blinded, costing people their lives.

Literally. That lady got shot for not wearing a burqa. I mean, and other people are getting beat and shot. Nice going. Nice going. Notification was officially signed just months before the Taliban's takeover of Afghanistan. And then they come in and you know, Trump puts Americans first. You know, it would have went down perfectly. And they come in and go, get rid of that.

That's Trump's. Get rid of it. What assholes. You fucking people. You have no idea how to defend a nation. Sensitive but unclassified, an official State Department document from the Biden State Department begins before outlining the following move to quash the Trump-era funding for the new bureau. That's the first thing they did. The the document is from the desk of deputy secretary of state brian p mckeon can imagine it's just like in show business i had a deal with fox i was gonna have this animated animated thing the guy the head of comedy at fox i'm talking fox tv loved it i was on a conference call it was an animated roast thing that Jeff Ross tried to rob for me years later. And the guy, they had me on speakerphone at home. They're all sitting around a table,

Fox executives in LA, and I'm killing reading the script. I got off the phone. I had a fucking hard on. And my manager goes, he fucking loved it. No shit. I think two and a half weeks later, No shit. I think two and a half weeks later, he's gone. The president of comedy moved on to a higher job at another network. Some jerk-off comes in. Kevin, he had an Irish last, sweeps everything off the desk that's not his. This is sort of what it reminded me of. Anyways.

Yeah, so he just sweeps it off his desk. You snotty little bastard. That was confirmed in March by the United States Senate. The document is dated June 11, 2021, though the National Pulse understands the decision to pause the program may have come as early as February. More proof that they just said, fuck this. This is Trump's. Let's get it out of here.

Son of a whore! Both undermining the original Trump era date for the withdrawal of troops, which I think was May 11th, from Afghanistan. And certainly given the Taliban, they announced it. So gave the Taliban time to threaten American assets and lives on the run up to Joe Biden's September 11th date of withdrawal. The first thing you want to do is let the fucking enemy know when you're leaving so they can go, hey, we've got to get to work and fuck this up.

We have a, they call it an elite class, ruling class. We have, honest to God, absolute shitheads in charge of our country right now. The subject line reads SBU, Contingency and Crisis Response Bureau, and the body of the document recommends this, that you direct the discontinuation of the establishment and termination of the Contingency and Crisis Response Bureau, CCR, and direct a further review

of certain associated department requirements and capabilities. In other words, anything that had Trump's fingerprints on it. You pompous, stock-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-faced, dickhead, asshole. Then it goes on that you direct a discontinuation of the establishment and termination of CCR consistent with the applicable legal requirements necessary stakeholder engagement and any applicable changes to the Foreign Affairs Manual and other requirements. In other words,

you guys didn't hear that, did you? Holy shit, that was an omelet. A lung omelet. In other words, that's all technical legalese to get rid of it because, again, Trump came up with it, his administration. Don't give me that smart-alecky shit. Yeah, we see right through it. The document reveals the recommendations were approved on June 11, 2021.

Speaking exclusively to the National Post, former President Donald J. Trump blasted Biden's irresponsible move. He said, my administration, prioritize, keep it. I can't even do him. He's been out of office. That was terrible. My administration, prioritize keeping Americans safe. Biden leaves them behind. How can you argue with that?

I am your voice. Canceling successful Trump administration program before the withdrawal that would have helped tens of thousands Americans reach home is beyond disgraceful. He says our withdrawal was condition-based, imperfect. It would have been flawlessly executed. And I believe it. And nobody, because Pompeo would have been involved, and nobody would have even known we'd left. He was the best guy around. The Biden execution and withdrawal is perhaps the greatest,

this is Trump talking, embarrassment to our country in history, both as a military and humanitarian operation. And that's saying a lot. After looking at NOM and whatnot. My goodness. Nice going. Just out of the hatred for Trump. And you want me to believe that people voted for this jerk-off. There's no way in hell.

It's all going to come out. I'm sticking to that. Hey, Republicans, there's only one person drawing up impeachment papers already. So don't rely on the Republicans. They're fucking as ignorant as anybody. My goodness. Hey, today we have brought you by sheath.

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Excuse me, folks. I was telling Matt I've lost seven pounds. Probably the first time I've lost that much weight in 20 years. And you know what all it took was my kitchen being ripped up. I'm not shitting you. That's the key. I had to have my kitchen ripped out and living without a stove for about six weeks. What am I going to do?

Anyways, speaking of nice shirts, you know who lost her? Vice President Kamala Harris lost her shit. Oh, I thought it said shirt. Either one. Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly did not want any part of facing the music

on Sunday after the catastrophic collapse of Afghanistan. She was sweating bullets. According to multiple reports, Harris was asked to address the American people on Sunday about the unraveling situation in the war-torn country, but refused as the Taliban threatened the lives of thousands of Americans and allies in Kabul. Pressure mounted on the White House to look the people in the eye and explain what happened. Yet no one did.

Nothing. A well-placed source inside the White House informs Becker News that Kamala Harris objected to addressing the nation on Sunday. The source reports that Kamala Harris could be heard screaming, and this is from multiple sources, they will not pin this shit on me. My vagina's angry. Oh, is it ever?

It is. It's pissed off. You mean your dick. Furthermore, the source reports that Jill Biden was at Camp David. Oh, my God, is this pitiful. Deflecting calls being made for Joe Biden. She's on the phone telling people to get lost.

Is this moron number one? Put moron number two on the phone. He's eating his jello right now. Leave him a B. The report is corroborated by OANN's One American News, Jack Pasebic, who provides the account that Harris objected to addressing the American people. Shade war, he put, going on hot. Kamala refused a request to do a presser today, Pasebic reported, said she was focused on Haiti, not Afghanistan. Now staffers for the rival teams have been openly fighting all day

per a White House official. Some source in the White House told Pasebik this. They're fucking at each other's throats. Oh, my God. And they were making fun of Trump. Put him up. Put him up. While Kamala Harris wanted no blame for the collapse of Afghanistan, this is why she's a two-faced whore.

She boasted back in April about the White House's decision to do a precipitous withdrawal against the advice of generals. So right now, right, she doesn't want anything to do with it. But here was her a few months ago being so proud of being involved. Listen to this. Afghanistan. Yes. Were you the last person in the room? Yes.

And you feel comfortable? I do. Look at her face, as Matt pointed out, my producer. She looks real comfortable. Like she's sitting on a goddamn needle. Oh, my God. Now she wants nothing to do with it. Too late.

And you blew it! You blew it. I was saying, my wife went, saw this, and my wife goes, well, I kind of don't blame her, you know? And I said, wait a minute here. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And I didn't even know that she was, you know,

trying to take credit for being the last person in the room when they decided this. But I said, isn't that the job's, trying to take credit for being the last person in the room when they decided this. But I said, isn't that the job of the vice president to take the collateral damage when the president is the main target of the press? Right? Pence was always out there every time Trump fucked up. He was always up there trying to fucking, you know, defend Trump and shit. I don't think this broad knows what her job is. Oh, you're concentrating on Haiti. shit. I don't think this broad knows what her job is. Oh, you're concentrating on Haiti.

Yeah, why don't you do that? Because that country seems to have a shit thing. That country's been in political and social upheaval since I was in high school. Come to Jamaica. I mean, to Haiti. We're in the middle of political and social upheaval. I think George McDonald had a bit about that.

One of my favorite comics. So it's a mess over there, a real freaking mess, and it's leaving quite a stain on this administration, who I say, I don't know. Biden, I'm telling you, it almost feels planned to me. First of all, you can't pin it all on him for many reasons. First of all, there are like four other presidents that, you know, were in power in the Oval Office when we were in Afghanistan. But as far as getting out of there, he has to take credit for this,

you know. And secondly, it's not even his ideas. You know, it's the fucking, the squad and all the other douchebags writing this stuff, hand it, put it on teleprompter and pushing him out there. Do you hear how he has no energy and he's reading? He's got a scowl on his face like the old man

that kicks you off the front lawn. Just a fucking miserab as they say in Italian. And we're gonna do our best to get out of there. It's not my fucking fault. But it is a mess. How do we know that? Remember that woman, Clarissa?

The reporter I showed you for CNN who had the black burka on and shit? We showed you yesterday. Headline, Clarissa, I should be in a psych ward. She wakes up and smells the fucking hummus finally. Remember this

nitwit from CNN saying this on Tuesday? Here's the clip. If you don't, I got to give you a warning before we play it. Uh-oh, retard alert. Retard alert. Roll it. They're just chanting death to America, but they seem friendly at the same time.

It's utterly bizarre. See the guy's googling her ass? It's utterly bizarre. Now that statement, that was her yesterday. Well, guess what? She finally got introduced to something called reality.

Yeah, apparently one of her producers was taught a little lesson by a talent. They're lucky they're alive, some of these idiots. Anything to move up at CNN and take Don Lemon's spot. But check this video. She has a different point of view now. The most frightening moment for our team came when our producer, Brent Swales,

was taking some video on his iPhone. Two Taliban fighters just came up with their pistols, and they were ready to pistol whip him. And we had to intervene and scream. And it was actually another Taliban fighter who, who came in and said, no, no, no, don't do that. They're journalists. But I mean, really, so you didn't intervene. I've covered all sorts of crazy situations. This was mayhem. It was mayhem. Was it, you know what that is? That's a classic, a great example of the classic old saying, a liberal is just a conservative who hasn't been mugged yet. As I hit the mic like an amateur.

Isn't that fucking hilarious? I can't believe it. These guys are kind of mean, smacking us and threatening and stuff. I had to intervene and say my... Well, another guy did. A Taliban member actually stepped in, so I'm a lying whore. Do you know if I can get Brian Williams' phone number? Maybe he can give me a job?

Graveyard Shift at MSNBC. You better watch your pretty little face, too, because remember Lara... What's her name? Logan? Lara Logan. Stunning, stunning South African reporter. I mean a knockout,

playboy material. And really bright. She's on like Fox. Remember she was in Tehran Square when the ship broke out? She actually got raped. But all cultures are equal. Remember that.

But that's good, Clarissa. I'm glad you finally woke up and smelled the, I don't know, dead people's skin burning. They're chanting death to America and we love pussy and it's kind of charming. Oh my God. Do you look at these clips? You guys watching the news? These men are from a different, even, I'm not talking just their clothes.

They had a picture of a guy, I should have sent it to you, Matt, yesterday. It was a still photo on, like, CNN of this guy. If you put him in a movie as a terrorist or a Taliban, they'd go, that's over the top. He's too, he had this dark skin, these scary bright, like, Bible eyes

and that fucking shitty beard. I was getting chills just looking at this motherfucker. They look like they're from a different time. I'm not even talking about the aesthetics, like their clothes and shit. Frightening, man. They are. What are we doing over there? I told

you guys yesterday when we were in that helicopter flying over the, and I still, it's burned in my mind. That woman in the desert with the sand blowing, walking, and the next, the next, any sign of life was 18, it had to be 18 miles away. And she's just walking as the, and I'm thinking, why? I don't even understand what we could possibly have in common or even conflict with them. It's like a different planet. But then again, you go, oh, oil and terrorism and all that other shit. They want to wipe out the Western world, kind of. I'll never forget that.

That was the fucking weirdest image. It's burned in my mind. And the Hatsa, they make these elaborate homes in the middle of the desert out of mud, literally. I'm talking huge, like an estate with a wall that goes around, made of mud. Boy, they don't even have any, when we were in Kandahar, there's not even any roads when you go into town. They don't even have any blacktop and shit. What? Stuck in 11AD or some shit.

I saw Jesus at Tim Horton's Coffee. They had a Tim Horton's Coffee on Baset. They said that's the most. They say that brings in the most money of all Tim Horton, Tim Horton has coffee all over the world. That's the most successful one. I just said successful.

You know what I mean? Can I act you how to pronounce that? Anyways, you're going to like this one. This one made me chuckle. North Carolina, not far from me now. I'm proud of that when I say that. North Carolina, you're going to like this one. This one made me chuckle. North Carolina, not far from me now. I'm proud of that when I say that. North Carolina, you know. Well, apparently they've had enough, Joe. It's not a surprise it's the Carolina.

Drivers in Wilmington, North Carolina, got a surprise this week when they passed a digital billboard featuring Joe Biden about to munch on a glorious vanilla ice cream waffle cone as United States Chinook helicopters conduct a mission to evacuate the Afghanistan embassy. So somebody hacked into the digital billboards or whatever, which is great. God, I wish I... You know how much fun we could have putting up porn and shit? That was done before. Remember somebody put up porn on a billboard in LA? Of course, nobody noticed that it was LA. But anyway, somebody hacked into the billboards and put up a couple of funny Biden memes. Let's check it out. A guy filmed it with his iPhone.

Go ahead. What are we doing? What's going on right now? People had to be shitting. Go ahead, let her roll. Then there was another one. Hello? Hello? Hello? I would have went off the goddamn road and then it goes back to the ice cream I think I I just fucking love it I Remember how they treated Trump. You couldn't, there's nothing we can do that's mean enough for what they did to Trump to top how they treated

Trump. Other than this poor guy. And I was thinking, you know, he could be, I've been around 59 years. I'm waiting for that president that dies. Not assassinated. I mean, you know, who's the guy years ago? Remember a hundred, you know, who's the guy years ago? Remember 100? One of them died drinking lemonade on the porch. At least that was a story. I think it was syphilis from an Indian. I don't know. I got to brush up on my history. Biden's looking for his wife. She should be back from the store. It might depend. And just so we're all on the same page here, fact checkers went out to the billboards and got video of the Biden memes popping up right there at Eastwood and Racine in Wilmington. And that is the real deal, the guy that put this up. Oh, you know who

reported on this? Travis, the guy that replaced Rush. Forget his whole name. Travis Clay, Clay Travis. I don't know. Clay Travis, I want to say. That's probably wrong, too. But anyways, and he's very powerful on the radio now, obviously. He says, I'm calling on more digital billboard memes. I think, no, or is it the guy that wrote the article?

I don't know. They mentioned it. It's the guy who wrote this article. But another article, I thought it said that... What's his name? Travis had something to do with it. But the guy that wrote this said, let's take these political fights and have a meme off right there on the streets of America.

I agree. Let's get down in the mud. Facebook meme... He says, Facebook meme wars have become incredibly boring. I'm definitely not advocating hacking billboards. Well, how do you think the guy did it? Because I don't want to hear from the FBI, local law enforcement agencies, et cetera,

but I am all for trying to get these memes past the billboard companies. You know how you do that? You hack legally, he says. I don't know how you do that legally, but at least somebody's encouraging um this this type of shit good for you good for you kid i'm loving it he says he says to his readers let's see what you have up your sleeve america let the humor out don't go breaking

into the digital billboard control rooms and turning on porn for thousands of cars on I-75. Let's keep this clean and legal. I'll have some fun with it. Let's see some big titties on the way to the factory. Come on, now. Joe

honking on a fucking ice cream. Excuse me. Let's move on. Shall we? Sorry to cough into the phone. I do a lot of smoking. I write in the morning, and nothing goes better than cigarettes and coffee

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Especially for comics who travel. I'd hate to see what the red roof ends get on me. It'll end my career. What career? Well, the one I just created. I've said this on the show many times before. It seems like the people on the right, whether it's actual politicians in D.C. or at the local level or just everyday civilians, people who vote Republican and lean right, it seems like the women are taking charge now and have more balls than the fellas do. And you know me.

I'm no feminist, but I seem to see it that way. This headline is called Beauty vs. the Beast. Today's must watch. Somebody posted, today's must watch. At Britt Rooted, I'm going to give that to you, B-R-I-T-T-R-O-O-T-E-D. She puts, enough is enough. San Diego is rising. Hashtag COVID-19.

This is a woman in San Diego in front of a school board or whatever, the local city council, doesn't matter. Some of the, you know, Hitler youth that are ruining this country. This woman, I would vote for her tomorrow. First of all, look at her. Are there any ugly broads in San Diego? Or do they just take them out and shoot them? Give you 10 pounds overweight?

First of all, she's smoking. And watch her rip these assholes, these woke local politicians, a new one. I enjoyed this. It was, what a role. Rooted Wings on Instagram. Nathan Fletcher, I tagged the heck out of you, so I'm sure that you are very familiar with me. Jim Desmond, thank you for your work.

Wilma Luton, this is also directed at you, along with Nathan Fletcher. Name and people. America is not a hospital. California is not a hospital. California is not a hospital. San Diego, it's not a hospital. This is a constitutional republic that guarantees protection of individuals

Okay, ma'am. and liberty and due process. Your time is up, ma'am. This applies to our individual pursuits of medical interventions and health practices. San Diego is not a hospital floor that we collectively have checked into that subjects all patients to equitably prescribed medical care with no due process. Our Constitution does not

secure for government power to impose forced equity in medical mandates and interventions or the punish or the power to punish carte blanche. There are 3.338 million people in San Diego County, 3,811 people who have died with COVID. Of those, 96%, 3,652 had comorbidities with hypertension, diabetes, cardiac Comorbidity Hypertension, diabetes 96% of them

These are real numbers This is the shit you'll never hear from the mainstream media Man, she's got her shit together in her nice chest Disease accounting for the top 3 Median age 77 That is a total

fatality rate of 0.1 percent. 3.338 million people. That is a clear affinity for a specific vulnerable age and health demographic with majority fatalities prior to available treatment options and prevention. What have we been saying the whole time the show what about is in the most important statistic if you're under seventy and healthy you have ninety nine point nine six percent and other words almost a hundred percent surviving it that's not repeated enough are

you know on tb because they're all in on it but go ahead sweetheart 91 of san diegan 60 69 received the injection 98 70 79 received the injection we remove consent from treating us like we are patients in a hospital ward we are done the consent of the governed is removed. We will not comply. The consent of the governed, that's us. Another thing we should be reminding ourselves, it's our government. Consent, they need our consent. It's removed, as she says, for what they're trying to shove down our throat. Again, anyways, let my girlfriend talk. removed, as she says, for what they're trying to shove down our throat. Again.

Anyways. Let my girlfriend talk. Nathan Fletcher, you are on notice. We will constitutionally remove all petty tyrants beginning now. Your time is up. Your time is up. Your time is up.

Your time is up. I love you. Smoke them. I need to construct a life. Smoke those bitches. Not a tavern. Your time is up. Not a temple. Yeah, yeah, Brit.

She lit into those motherfuckers. She should have ended it with this. You know, I fucking hate the way you make me fucking ride you. Now get the fuck out of here. Huh? How about it? I'd say go to D.C., but you're probably more useful. But the consent of the governed, I haven't heard that

phrase in forever. More words. Here's what somebody put in the comment section. And I agree with this too, as much as I like what she said. You know, I've been saying, look, we're going to get steamrolled if somebody doesn't pick up a musket, as we say. Because we're at that point, folks. They have us cornered. They're not listening to any people, even like this. The only way out of this is, I don't want to say it, but it's got to get ugly. You know what I mean? You know what I mean. Just apparently a lot of people know. Look at the gun sales on the bullets lately. But anyways, this guy wrote after, and I agree because I've been saying it here, more words, he's kind of picked on our law, more words tyrants could care less about, which is true. It amazes me when I see nothing but, he says, rule slash law breaking on one side, meaning the left,

while the other obeys them as if they matted to the ruling elite. In other words, all you sheep people putting your mask on and shit. They don't give a fuck whether you do or you don't. You understand? They have a mission. They got blinders on. They're going to steamroll us. Once it gets through the head of the brainwashed patriot, the wicked do not care. of the brainwashed patriot, the wicked do not care. They don't. It's true. Then they will realize, meaning us patriots, it is war in which there are no rules.

And that is well said by whoever put that up there. That is right on the money. You are correct, sir! In other words, and I've done this analogy many times on the show, it's like watching a sporting event, you're watching a football game. The New York Giants don't have to play by the rules,

but the Cleveland Browns do. Any two teams, right? One team doesn't, they can run out of bounds, they can hold, they can clip, and the other team has to fall. Who's going to win? That's his point. That the left, Hillary should be in jail, right? We always say it. We always say, why do these lefties get away with this shit? Because they make the rules and then just the fucking, they don't apply to themselves, they apply to us. so it's going to take a catastrophic event to bring this to a head

the set i don't want to say that i hope it doesn't happen maybe somebody punch larry david in his cock how did you say larry what the hell does that have to well i'll tell you it's a a bad segue into the next story as you know i'm good friends with alan dershowitz i have we had him as a guest on the show. Will you hear him, Matt, when we had him on? Yeah. Who I loved, by the way. Absolutely. Here is a guy, it's funny because I hated him during the OJ trial, but I didn't know anything.

I wasn't following politics that much. I just knew, everybody knew with a half a brain that OJ was guilty. And what's his name? Dershowitz was making sure he got a fair trial. So, you know, I wanted to choke him. I saw him on a flight while that was going on, actually. But anyways, this guy, a constitutional scholar, he's a fucking constitutional genius. He's usually the final word if you're watching TV, and he sticks to his principles. Anyways, as you know, if you're a radical leftist who has a house in Martha's Vineyard, like Larry David, who I love his comedy and shit, but fuck you, Larry. These guys were friends. Curb your enthusiasm. Curb your McCarthyism, is what I put. It seems that Alan Dershowitz's ties to the Trump administration have made him persona non grata among the Motha's Vineyard elite, including one of his friends, Larry David.

Dershowitz yells, they saw each other at a supermarket, and somebody for one of these political publications heard the whole conversation and posted it. Dershowitz says, Larry walks away, sees Dershowitz approaching him. And Dershowitz yells, we can still talk, Larry. And of course, Larry with his open mind liberalness goes, I don't want to talk to you. Get away from me. David replies, no, no, no, we really can't. I saw you. I saw you with your arm around Mike Pompeo. It's disgusting. You fucking. And you know why I like Larry?

I'm the same. I have the same. I'm not close-minded as him. But you know his persona on the show? It's me. My wife watches it and laughs and goes, what, did you write this? I get annoyed by the same shit he does, even though in the grand scheme of things you think it's me. My wife watches it and laughs and goes, what, did you write this? I get annoyed by the same shit he does, even though in the grand scheme of things, you think it's little.

But anyways, I digress. Dershowitz says, hey, my former student, he was my former student at Harvard. I greet all my former students that way. I can't greet my former students. He's talking about Mike Pompeo. Larry David replies, it's disgusting. Your whole enclave, it's disgusting. Your whole enclave, it's disgusting. You're

disgusting. Can you imagine? So I stepped in and said, Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker, you. Added the stunned source who was writing all this down. Larry

walks away. Alan takes off his T-shirt. This isn't a supermarket. I'm out of this venue. To reveal another T-shirt underneath that says, It's the Constitution, stupid. You've got to love Dershowitz. We're told Dersh drove off in an old dirty Volvo.

That tells you a lot. I love it. Reached for comment, Dersh was confirmed the exchange and told us that he and the curb creator had been friends for many years until the lawyer began working with the Trump camp. He even claimed that he helped get one of Larry David's daughters into college and had once represented him pro bono that means for nothing in a legal dispute he had on on martha's vineyard where they both spend their uh their summers so when larry's in trouble he's on the phone to fucking dirgewitz counselor counselor he told

us that he had greeted david at the store but that the comic had walked away from him, which is when he said, we can still talk, Larry. And the guy that was writing Love is Down, I heard it, started to pick up on the dialogue. Dershowitz told us that, well, it might sound on paper like an awkward scene from Curb. It wasn't funny at all. Excuse me. The professor claimed that David screamed and yelled at him and that his face turned bright red. He says, I was worried that he was going to have a stroke. You know how many times I've heard that? He pointed out that on the occasions he has been snapped being affectionate towards Pompeo, who studied Harvard law in the early 90s, it's not because he's a blind supporter

of the Trump administration, but because he admires the former Secretary of State's work on peace in the Middle East. As you know, Pompeo had a lot to do with moving the Capitol and Jerusalem and all that stuff. So, you know, God forbid Dershowitz likes somebody who doesn't think like Larry David, who used to be married to this left-wing radical bitch environmentalist nutcase.

So I love Dershowitz. He was the best guy around. Can you imagine that? He's lost a ton of friends on the vineyard. You know, you go over to the other one, Nantucket. I'm sure there's the same people. Spike Lee, he's around. In fact, he says he worked with Pompeo, this is Dershowitz,

on his department's policy regarding Israel and Palestine and has been invited to the White House by both Trump administration and the Israeli government to celebrate it. And he said he's disappointed that David can't understand why he'd work with any administration on peace for Israel, regardless of who was occupying the Oval Office. And this is what Dershowitz says. Well, he was writing bad jokes, which I disagree with.

I was helping to bring peace to the Middle East, Dershowitz told us. What has he done? He's made a trillion dollars. But I'm with Dershowitz. What's the lesson here folks who has principles trump right that sticks to his guns pro-america america dershowitz who believes in the constitution and what happens when you have principles in today's world you lose friends. I'm saying if you have right, you know, well, just for the truth,

constitutional principles. The left will kick you out of their fucking circle. You got to march, goose step with them right along. And then Dershowitz says, Larry's a knee-jerk radical, Dershowitz told Pay6. He takes his politics from Hollywood.

He doesn't read a lot. He doesn't read a lot. He doesn't think a lot. It got ugly. That bums me out because I want to like Larry David, but I don't like people who put their politics ahead of old friend. It's typical of what happens now on the vineyard, he added. People won't talk to each other if they don't agree with their politics. I would put a finer point on that, saying people on the left won't talk to people on the right. They don't like their politics. I don't see too many examples of it

going the other way. I mean, for Christ's sake, Trump talked to fucking Kim Jong-un. Dershowitz said that David isn't the only friend he's lost, particularly after he defended Trump over his first impeachment when the president was accused of trying to arrange a quid pro quo with the Ukrainian government, which was more left-wing horseshit, Larry. That's what you're really mad about. That's the price of principle, he said. He later said that his principles require that he defend the

Constitution and that he felt that the first impeachment of Trump was unconstitutional. He says, I'm a liberal Democrat, and I voted for Biden just as enthusiastically as Larry did. He worked in enthusiasm. Just as enthusiastically as Larry did. He is. He's a lib. But not under today's standards. David is guilty of contemporary McCarthyism, Dershowitz said. McCarthy would have been proud of him. He said that in the 50s, political witch hunter Joseph McCarthy went after lawyers who represented people he disagreed with. Fucking love it.

Love it. Now you will learn about loss. Loss of freedom. Loss of friends. Loss of humanity. Now you and I will truly be the same, counselor. It's a great show. This is a great internet show.

I'm sorry. Dershowitz told us that he wants to extend a hand of friendship to the Seinfeld co-creator. If Larry wants to talk about any of this, he said, I won't get into a scream match with him. If he wants to scream, he'll have to scream alone.

Yeah! That's Larry jumping off the fucking 12th story of his mansion. For the love of God. Hey, guys. I got to thank you before I go today. But before I do that,

I got to inform you, I'll be back out on the road next month. I'll be in West Palm Beach at the Palm Beach Kennel Club on September 23rd. I've never been to this place, but I've looked at it online. It really does. It looks great. One show,

but then they've also got table games, no limit poker, so it's going to be a fun trip. Make plans to join me. I also want to thank the following people who have contributed to the show this past week. We really, and it's honest to God truth, we can't do this show without you guys, and I really appreciate it. One-time contributions, Jacoby Robbins of Illinois, Steve Murray, Massachusetts,

Andy Navin of Pennsylvania, Yosef Hess, New Jersey, our buddy Paul Sagnella in Connecticut, Tim Hershied, longtime guy, Ohio, Steve O'Reilly, Massachusetts, Kevin Steepe or Stife, Texas, Jovan Vitigliano, Florida, sorry, Jo, Sean Eggleston of Missouri, Glenn Shuler of Minnesota, Eggleston of Missouri, Glenn Shula of Minnesota, Kylan Anderson, Utah, Kalen Stranberg, California, Cody Disheroon, Florida, Sean Powell, Florida, Ima Atho, Arizona, Reno or Rhino Natalini, Massachusetts, Stan Gazalinsky, Ohio, Oyster Neisether, Norway, holy moly, Joseph Hirsch, thank God, Ohio, Larry Ramey, another contributor all the time, Ohio, Franz Grissom, another regular, Oklahoma, Ryan gained function, Ryan gained function, Foster, Oregon. Trump 2024, Florida.

Terrence Sheridan, Pennsylvania. Stephan or Stephen Quinn, Delaware. Christopher Fraba, New Jersey. Matthew J. Manganiello, Massachusetts. Ed Schmidt of Illinois. Victoria Arnstein, New York. Thomas Lent of New York, and new monthly supporters this month, Chris Lab of Pennsylvania,

Dan Henry of Pennsylvania, Brooks Robinson, I hope it's the baseball player, Missouri, John Daly, hopefully the golfer, Virginia, Miguel Rivera, Arizona, Kelly G. or Gee, Canada, Nancy Kaz. Thank you guys all. That's a lot of thank yous. Appreciate the hell out of it. We really do. Let's see here.

What else did I want to get to? Next up, a little light story. She puts the P in PhD. Dr. Alicia Jeffrey Thomas. Oh, she kept her maiden name. I don't like those women. Anyways, I'm kidding. She seems cool.

Anyway, she posted a video that has since gone viral with her expert opinion that urinating in the shower is not such a great idea. Bullshit! I'm not doing this story. You know who peed in the shower all the time that I first heard about the Madonna? Of course. By herself. Not anybody

peeing on her. She used to pee in the shower all the time. And she said, I'll never forget this. It was either an article or on Twitter, that the, you know, there's ammonia in your pee, and it kills all kinds of shit. But then again, you know, when I do the dishes, I don't piss on them. At least not on Thanksgiving.

Anyways, she says it's a bad idea to piss in the shower, and I say to her, Shut up. Mind your fucking business and shut up. Dr. Jeffrey Thomas is a doctor of physical therapy. Well, wait a minute. Dr. Jeffrey Thomas is a doctor of physical therapy. Well, wait a minute. I'll go to you for a hamstring tear, not a fucking urine sample. She's a physical therapist and explained in her clip the cons of taking a tinkle in water to her 467,000 TikTok followers.

What? How does that happen? Really? I got to start talking about pee-pee? I'm not on TikTok. What am I worried about? Anyways, here's her advice on going tinkle in the shower. Okay, team, let's talk about why we shouldn't pee in the shower. Okay, cutie. There's two things I want to focus on here.

There's the overall bladder fitness perspective and the pelvic floor perspective. You guys know the whole path lost dog experiment, right? You ring the bell every time he puts food out for the dog. So eventually the dog starts to associate the bell and he starts to slobber even if there's no food there. If you pee in the shower or turn on the faucet or turn on the shower and then sit in the toilet to pee while the water's running, you're creating an association in your brain between the sound of running water and having to pee. We combo that with pelvic floor dysfunction either now or down the line, then that's going to potentially lead to some leak issues

when you hear running water outside of the shower. Unfortunately, those of us that were assigned female at birth and have that anatomy were not designed to pee standing up. Pause. Even in this cat. First of all, I don't have a twat, so I'm not worried. But you might have a point there. Every time it rains down here I fucking wet myself. Go ahead.

Captain Morgan pose. Your pelvic floor isn't going to relax appropriately. Ooh, her pelvic floor. We're not really going to be emptying our bladder super well. Can I clean that for you? Repeat before you even ever turn on the shower water. And if you get the urge while you're in the shower, try to ignore it. Ignore it if you feel like, why?

There's a drain there. I don't do it that often. You know why? I take 11 pisses between 3 a.m. and 6 a drain there. I don't do it that often. You know why? I take 11 pisses between 3 a.m. and 6 a.m. How about some advice about that? I have rubber sheets. I'm 59.

This is true, too. You might get grossed out at this. I have a bathroom 10 feet from my bedroom, upstairs. That's out of function because the pipe bursts and shit. And I have bad hip and a bad knee. I was an athlete. So I have to go downstairs, 14 stairs to piss. I did that like twice.

I have about six Snapple bottles filled in my room. And a white little waste paper plastic basket. I don't know if my wife finds out. Anyway, and here's another true story. This is true, too. When we first put the bathroom out of order, this is absolutely true. I was up, you know how I stay up until 2, 3? My wife goes about like 11.

I'm watching YouTube or whatever, guitar fucking things. I'm so fucking lazy. I had to piss. So I pissed in my empty Gatorade Zero bottle. Right? Like an idiot before I go to bed, I went to the kitchen or something and I put it on the table.

I get up the next morning. This is all true. Get up the next morning. I reach in the fridge for a Gatorade. Grab it. Take a swig. It almost puked. And I go to my wife. What the fuck? She goes, what? I go, this is my piss. Because it looked like the fucking Gatorade.

It looked like Gatorade. So I finished it. It was kind of delicious. I think I have some German in me. But it's true. I took a swig of my own piss. You know some boxes drink their own piss? Saw a guy online, a boxer, say they think it's good for you. But if you do that, I actually went on MD, medical, whatever the fuck.

And the doc's like, no, don't fucking invent you. If you did that a lot, it'll fuck up your kidneys. Anyways, pee pee in the shower. Only do that when your girlfriend's in. She's from Berlin. Some users weren't having it with the darkest explanation and challenged her theory. One TikToker commented, conditioning, I love anal people who are, conditioning requires positive or negative reinforcement.

A stimulus is added prior to the behavior that one wants to encourage. So the stimulus will trigger the action. The stimulus must happen before, not during. Hello? What happened? That was me turning on the mic. Oh, go ahead. No, I was just gonna say this person's an asshole because the positive reinforcement is getting to take a piss. Well, that's the behavior you're trying to encourage. Well, yes, but the relief associated with getting to piss, the fact that you enjoy it, that's positive. But you have to do something

before, not during, no? I don't know. Maybe you're right. It's not that it matters. I take a dump on the rug when I'm tired. The stimulus must happen before, not during or after this person says. And you want to tell these people, hey, we're on the fucking internet. I can click over and watch a guy banging a goat in Tehran. Shut up.

Shut, shut, shut, shut, shut up. Shut up. Anyways, another person added, I will not stop doing it. Here I was thinking I was being useful and saving water, one interjected. My brain just exploded, one said. It makes total sense. Another TikToker, Sabrina Baxter, who was also a physical therapist. Why a physical therapist, Wayne?

Examined another common urination mistake, claiming in a video that you should only urinate when you really have to go to the restroom, when you're about to leave the house and you're like, I don't have to pee, but I may have to pee, so I'm going to pee. Well, if you don't have to pee, how do you pee? If you do this often, your bladder is never filling up properly, Baxter said. She continued, it's not filling to full capacity, like my shows. You're peeing when it's halfway full, so you may have the urge to pee more frequently because it's only filling to full capacity like my shows. You're peeing when it's halfway full,

so you may have the urge to pee more frequently because it's only filling halfway. You guys are thinking too much about your piss. Drink 14 beers. It'll get rid of all that. You're essential sensitizing your body to work at lower volumes than needed. Oh, whatever.

All righty then. That is it, ladies and gentlemen, for this week. Again, I remind you, because I made the announcement yesterday, I was leaving Monday. Again, I have an evening flight, so we'll do a show Monday, all right? And I don't know what, we got to come up with a plan. I'm hoping Tommy, who's a genius, and Matt can put their heads together. My other producer, 11-year-old Asian girl. Very smart. Went to Columbia. We'll figure

something out. All right? Don't forget thecomicsgym.com. And again, don't forget about the technical things. We're working on that as far as Roku and Apple TV and shit. They're working on that. So those should be up and running hopefully soon. Don't forget thecomicsgym.com

nickdip.com Click on the button if you want to see where I'm going to be. And cameo.com my favorite where I can actually roast one of your friends or relatives. As you know, I did a lot of Comedy Central roasts. It was a fixture and loved ripping new assholes into people.

And again, most of the people that receive these things are fans of mine, so they love it too. Click on that. Tell me about the person. I'll make a video on my phone. Send it right to them. That is it. You guys think and I will say it. You're very welcome.

We will see you back here on Monday. Have a great weekend, regardless of the Biden administration. Bye-bye. guitar solo Outro Music