The Nick DiPaolo Show - Donald Vs. Ronald? | Nick Di Paolo Show #1307

Episode Date: November 16, 2022

Trump Announces 2024 Run. GOP Takes House. Missile Hits Poland. Joe Says No. White Trash. Tiny Dancer.

Hi boys and girls, Kevin McGillicuddy here. Please take a moment to share today's episode with someone who values free speech and enjoys brutally honest comedy. I thank you for that. Oh yeah, oh yeah, how are you folks? Welcome to the big show on a filthy Wednesday. Short week, I kind of like it coming back. I'm just lazy, let's be honest. Not really.

Since I got back, I've had my face buried in that fucking phone doing Gutfeld's shit, our shit. Gutfeld's book, fucking... He sends me a thing... I get a thing from the producer last night saying he's gonna do the joke type monologue, you know, rip from the headlines like they do on Fridays now. So I go, oh, so last night I spent hours on that looking for fucking...

Those are hard to like... Anyways, I spend all night with that thinking I can sleep in this morning because he usually sends about like 8.30, 8 o'clock. So I'm fucking laying there, you know. My alarm went off. I forgot to not put it on. So I'm like, yeah, fuck him. Bing.

And then I checked my phone at about 10 after 10. And there's the fucking another model on, like he usually does. And he's taking those jokes I said yesterday, putting them in. The fuck? But can you imagine if I didn't even look at my phone? Coming to work, all happy. He would have been furious. And yeah, you know, then I did last night,

like fucking 11.30, I'm doing ours and shit. And I don't have the right prescription. All of a sudden, my eyes have gotten really bad. You ever use the wrong power glasses? Dallas, what are you talking about? I'm 40. have the right prescription. All of a sudden, my eyes were getting really bad. You ever use the wrong power glasses? Dallas, what are you talking about? I'm 40. I'm a sharpshooter, for Christ's sake.

I forgot. I was like you, man. I had good eyes until a few years ago. My mother had great eyes until my father punched her twice. Anyways, what? Who would say such a thing? Oh, a couple of colored kids. Listen.

Anyways, yeah, so I had my face get up to some more buried in that, and then you sent the shit, and I'm like, for Christ's sake, take a dump. Speaking of dumps, I took a nice one. Girls, block your ass. But I loaded up on an Asian salad last night, and then I made a regular salad on top of that, and then took some Metamucil. I passed them stuff from first grade. I saw her number two pencil eraser in there and Karine Conway's barrette. Anyways, that's gross. What else did I do? Just filling you in. People like to hear about my personal life. Dallas is like, well, I hope they like sofas and TVs because that's about the... I got an office, though.

That fucking office is just... Come on, there's a fireplace in my office. There's old brick. There's fucking... And now it's time to turn it on. Yeah, that's exactly right. It's fucking getting a little chilly in the morning. Wake up with my wife and girlfriend.

Boy, I can't... Ping, pang, pong! I like to be big just once! Alright. That killed 30 seconds. It's like when I'm doing an hour at a comedy club. The first 18 minutes is off the top of my head. Ladies

and gentlemen, the big, big... a lot of news broke last night. A lot of big news. And a lot of hearts broke last night. A lot of big hearts from getting jabs. They fucking. Who had heart enlargement? People. Oh, they finally admitted to it.

NBC. I don't know why I'm not doing this story, but they finally admitted there's a possible connection. And Moderna and Pfizer are now doing a study to check on the aftereffects of the actual virus as it relates to myocarditis. Well, it's the shot that's causing it. Yeah, it's the fucking shot.

All those viruses, a lot of those viruses, that's what happens. They enlarge your heart. They thicken the muscle. That's not unusual. But when you put the vaccine in, on top of that, people, I read every day, I'm reading the paper, somebody drummed it. And there's so much, Dallas, I shit you not, my listeners at home, I was just looking for a couple light stories at the end. I couldn't, I couldn't find them. home. I was just looking for a couple light stories at the end. I couldn't find them. Everything was death, and I mean gruesome. Four Idaho college kids slaughtered with a knife, like in one room, by some maniac they haven't caught yet. I mean, everything was so gruesome. University of Virginia, that psycho ex-football player fucking shoots up the bus. What the fuck?

ex-football player fucking shoots up the bus. What the fuck? It isn't just like New York City. I just feel like somebody's opening the gates of hell and letting these people, it almost feels like intentional. I know it's not, but I'm just saying. It's fucking insane. I couldn't find one. I went to bed going, hopefully there'll be a lighter one. So I got this one. I found the lighter one about the baby they found in the trash in New Jersey. I was a Japanese kid. Nobody gives a fuck. Nick, why do you say that? My fans like it. Anyways, but the big story. There were three big ones. And I was proud of myself. Before I died down, I said, I got to cover the... He's back. Former President Donald Trump ended months of speculation and launched his bid to retake the White House in 2024 Tuesday, an early attempt to clear the GOP primary field.

I never thought of it like that, but that's what it does. You know what I mean? Because there's a lot of people who like, you're on the fence. Not that I'm saying he's going to be the president, but he's a fucking, you're going to take him before whatever. I don't like McCarthy. He got reelected. I mean, he's going to be the House Speaker.

He's too wishy-washy for me. He's not hard enough right wing for me. He seems like another guy playing the game who pretends, I could be wrong, I hope, but I don't think so. He's done a few things in the past. He's done a few things in the past. Then fucking, who's it, Tim Scott? The bald guy who I don't like from fucking, is he challenging? Was he challenging McCarthy?

Who's he challenging? Maybe I should have looked into that before I opened my big fucking yep. I think he might have been challenging McCarthy. Yeah, for the speaker. I don't like Tim Scott. He is too swishy. Ooh, that was homophobic. I'm just saying, he doesn't sound like a hard... I want a goddamn...

Who do I want? I don't even know if there's anybody tough enough. What's Mussolini's cousin, dude? Tuesday? Hold on. Can you put the air on, dude? I get 19 cups of coffee in me. You can keep it rolling. I'm dying. I drank a bottle of coffee. Are we rolling?

Good. Tuesday, he announced an early attempt to clear the GOP primary field. I had a potential rematch against Joe. Biden's not even going to be alive then. I would bet. Can you bet on that in Vegas that he's going to be the nomin i'm serious what's the line on that i'm serious what's the over under three weeks i'm going under honestly you can bet on all that shit you know that's what they do now but he's

not gonna i guarantee you he won't be there no fucking way between the dems not liking him I guarantee you he won't be there. No fucking way. Between the Dems not liking him, he's an anchor. It's almost a blessing that they fucking didn't do so good in the midterms. Because you're going to watch like Hochul and these governors go down in flames even more. Anyways, here is, he looks good. Fucking Donald looks rested.

He's got a tan. And it's not orange. It's kind of brown this time. Anyways, maybe he's started to put on black when he goes, ah. If I get desperate against DeSantis, I'll do the blackface thing. Anyways, here he is announcing. And we'll talk about it after how me and Dallas feel. Go ahead. In order to make America great and glorious again, I am tonight announcing my candidacy for President of the United States.

I am your voice. Excuse me, Kevin. Palm Beach Floor. I was just there. Nobody invited me. I know, because I smashed that cop car. Like, this fucking guy. You're going to let him park?

Can't take him anywhere. No, exactly. We're going to let him park in Mar-a-Lago? He'll bust right through the tent. So there was the announcement. Huge round of applause, but not, I don't know. I get it in my head. Anyways, but Donald was happy after the thing.

He said, hey, everybody, we're all going to get laid. If that's not him, I am. Oh, my God. Anyhow, so there's the big announcement that he's been teasing for a while. And I think he probably got the advice or he knew himself. It's stinky. You better get out there because DeSantis is it's like a snowball effect. He's picking up speed and whatever.

Moments before his remarks, the 45th president filed paperwork with the FEC, that's the Federal Election Commission, confirming his candidacy. It's the first time he's ever done paperwork to do anything. He said, you know, it felt good to fake it. I will ensure that Joe Biden does not receive four more years. He added my, no, I'm not going to say that. He added later in his remarks, our country could not take that. And I say, not in laughter, I say it in tears.

Guy's never cried ever. I say it in tears. Our country could not take four more years of that jack off. Am I right? Even Melanie gives him the old. Melanie? Who's Melanie? You mean Melania? Melanie. They can only take so much.

Who's they, Mr. President? He's already starting with his crazy language. Yes, sir. But he's right. The world was at peace, Trump said, reflecting on when he left office in 2021. America was prospering. Our country was on track for an amazing future. And then this cocksucker stole an election because I made big promises to the American people. And unlike other presidents, I kept my promises. You are correct,

sir. Guests at the event included a trench of Trump administration alums, among them former White House budget director Russ Vaught. They say that like he's fucking Elvis. Who the fuck's Russ? Who the fuck are you? Are you writing a book? Who the fuck are you? That's him trying to get into the tent.

Former acting attorney general, Matt Whitaker, who I like. He's a big ball guy. He's like from Idaho. He's from the Midwest. I think he played college football. He was a wrestler or something. Gutfeld has him on.

He's like a fucking guy's guy, but he's really smart. And former White House advisor, oh, Sebastian Gawker. He took time out from doing commercials for a relief factor. I love Sebastian.

He's got the creepiest, he sounds like a dictator from the front. Hello, I'm Sebastian Gorka. With my knees hurt, I take these fucking vegetable pills. Much criticism is being placed on the fact that the Republican Party should have done better. And frankly, much of this blame is correct. This is Trump talking. Tuesday night, he said, before adding,

I do want to point out that in the midterms, now here comes Trump. He says, I want to point out that in the midterm, my endorsements, because they're all saying a lot of those big races are his fault, who he lost. My success rate was 232 wins and only 22 losses. Three of those losses in overtime. And he says, you know, overtime wins better than tying because tying is like kissing your mother's asshole. He put a twist on the kissing your sister.

You don't hear that from the media, he says. Can you state categorically? You are fake news. Sir, they're already starting with him. They're already starting. They're shitting all over this. Interesting, Dallas. By the way, a lot of those wins,

I read both sides and the people on the left, and some of it's true, say, those were seats that weren't even in danger of, they were going to win anyway, whether you endorsed or not, whatever. But you got to do, you got to say, I mean, that's sales. You know what I mean? It's like me selling that meat door-to-door. People used to go, how much a pound is it? And I go, we don't sell it by the bunch per serving.

Of course, about 85% would buy that, you know. But the fucking four that are, you know, husbands that are money guys, get the fuck out of here with that shit. And then they would start questioning, what do you mean? Well, I'd go, see these 22 boxes? That's 471 meals into, what did I give you a price for now? Just like fucking 1,500?

That's 312. That's 312 for frigging filet mignon. 312, of course, then the guys would go, yeah, but I'm cooking the fucking shit. It's not like I'm at a restaurant getting rolls with it. And I go, your wife's got nice tits. I got to get out of here. We should do a show on that.

Anyways. So Donald's back. Folks, here's how I feel. I'm sure you care. I mean, you came out to see me. And Dallas said it too. I don't want to, look, I don't want to pick a side yet. Because Donald Jr., I'd like to have him on again.

Let's be honest. But, and I love Trump for everything he's done. I'm thinking about you too, Mr. former president, your health, you're 76, you get 3 billion in the bank. You know what I mean? And you might be more effective not in the White House or officially part of the government where you could do more damage. You don't have those parameters on you as far as money goes and blah, blah, blah. Pretty good theory, right? And you come with a lot of baggage. I don't mind it because I'm a big mouth. I like bragging though, so you have to be. When 90% of the media hate your gut, you have to be a loud mouth. But a lot of people, you know, the people who are on the fence, I think that's the deciding point.

They're like, DeSantis, you know, he comes with none of that until they start digging it. But he doesn't. You know, I mean, DeSantis is smart. He's just going to be quiet and let Trump fucking call him every name in the book if they go against him, right? So I don't want to. I like the idea of DeSantis. He has done so much in the last two, three years. I mean, passing laws,

and you can't teach our kids critical race theory and fucking sex in third grade. Stepping up to bat. Where are all the other Republican governors and shit? You know what I mean? The guy was... And he's a former military guy, and he's sharp as a fucking tack.

And he's young enough that he actually could have an effective eight-year term. That's right. That's right. So those are the pluses. I hope Donald Jr. didn't see this.

You know, kids, so I'm leaning that way. I'll be honest, but a lot could happen. But I think he'd be more palpable to even people on the fence, independents. And I mean, they're like, finally, we've got a guy who pretty much governs like Trump and doesn't come with all the baggage.

Again, we live in a pussy society. If you're an alpha male, he's a fucking asshole. He's mean, all that horse shit. They were saying that to DeSantis. so he's mean. All that horse shit. They were saying that to DeSantis. Remember when he passed the shit about talking about sex

and transgenderism in, you know, third grade. Yeah, and he passed that bill saying none of that in Florida, and they're calling him a homophobe. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter who goes in there. And like I said, they were calling Reagan a Nazi and Hitler when I was in fucking high school.

So it doesn't matter. So that's how I feel. If you want to let me know how you feel, call 171-443. We got no fucking. Yeah, shut the fuck up. That was Dallas. Dallas is catching on. 171, shut the fuck up.

155, mind your fucking fucking business that's too many numbers anyhow that's my take on it right now ladies and girls and lesbians all alike yum yum yum republicans are in the house here you go thank you that's a guy who's serving a lot of black dudes

republicans are in the house I can't do it. I smoked. This weekend, I fell off the wagon like you read about. When you're up there, the people are laughing. As I'm lighting them up, I go, am I really smoking them? They're giggling every time I take out the light. Anyways, I'm much funnier when I have cancer. Knock, knock.

Tranky. Tranky-a-ho. funny when I have cancer. Knock, knock. Oopsie. Ah. Tranky. Tranky-o-ho. The Republican Party has secured its first major feat in the 2022 midterm elections, regaining the majority of seats

in the U.S. House of Representatives. I still don't understand why that's a big deal, when everything has to go through the Senate, doesn't it? Eventually. I know you can have hearings and all that. Yeah, but they can make enough of a mess to have it stalled in the Senate as well. That's true. Making a mess is how you do it. Representatives which has been controlled by the Democrats for the past four years. So we got it back.

Shut up. Republicans were long favored to take control of Congress' lower chamber. See, the upper chamber is the Senate. In 2023, as President Joe Biden's wavering popular... Wavering? Are you dog-styling me? It's about as popular as Hep C, you fuckstain. Joe Biden's wavering popularity hurt Democrat prospects down the ballot, though Democrats saw a boost in the polls after they cheated again. Again, the Roe v. Wade thing, they're making a big fucking deal out of it. You know who came out surprisingly this year? The Gen Zers.

Young people, that's what they're saying. Again, you know how I am. I'm so cynical, I don't believe any of it. Anyways, Roe v. Wade overturned. That made them more competitive across the board. I don't know if that's been proven. Issues like inflation and crime began controlling the narrative in many districts. Every poll I saw, people put fucking abortion down here.

And, you know, pocketbook issues up here. And there's not that many Gen Zers, I'm sorry, that got up from their parents' couch where they sleep. In many key districts as the election neared restoring publicans' upper hand. On Tuesday, minority leader Kevinvin mccarthy who i am very suspect about remember he said something very anti-trump when trump was in office if i was a real broadcaster i'd remember it but i don't have a staff to look it up with big tits you know fat guys on tuesday uh minority kevin mcc McCarthy was selected as the GOP's pick to replace, well, this is

always good news, to replace this fucking syphilis germ, Nancy Pelosi. She's a malignant cunt. You got that right, Paulie. As House Speaker in January, when they asked McCarthy about it, he says, I'm going to stick that

fucking gavel right up her... He said, when she hands it to me, he actually said this, I hope the Capitol police are there, because I don't want to end up like her husband on a Friday night. It's a joke I gave. See if he uses it. And people, don't tell him I'm saying this.

I don't think he wants my face blabbering out there. Get him fired. Now, Steve Scalise was chosen to be the second highest ranking Republican. You know the one who took about 40 bullets and now when he rides on the back of a motorcycle, whistles? Is the second highest ranking Republican official of the House majority leader. McCarthy has already begun preparing for a transition by cutting off his peepee and donning a wig. Good night, everybody.

Preparing for a transition of power in the House and said his first agenda item will be securing the United States' southern border. When they told Kamala Harris about that, she said, now where's that?

I just made up. Boy, am I talented. Let's take a break and earn some money, shall we? Nausea sucks. That's why I don't watch The View. No, nausea sucks. Thank God for a relief band. It's like the name says.

It's a band you wear on your wrist to give you relief from nausea caused by anxiety, motion sickness, migraines, hangovers, morning sickness, or chemotherapy. You change the intensity depending on how you're feeling to make it stronger or weaker. It's very easy. I use it whenever I fly now. So far, even with the bumps and stuff, sometimes it's windy up there, I feel nothing. It doesn't work. And I put it on in the morning. I've been waking up nauseous. I think I'm pregnant. Relief band is 100% drug-free and gluten-free. I'm kidding. Now drowsy, non-drowsy, and there are no side effects. You can trust relief band. So if you want the band that actually works at relieving your nausea, check out relief band. Right now, we've got an actually works at relieving your nausea, check out Relief

Band. Right now, we've got an exclusive offer just for my listeners. If you go to reliefband.com and use promo code NickDip, you'll receive 20% off, plus free shipping and handling, no questions asked, 30-day money guarantee. Remember, it's better to have a relief band and not need it than to need it and not have it. So head to R-E-L-I-E-F-B-A-N-D.com and use promo code NickDip for 20% off plus free shipping. And we thank them for sponsoring the show today. Mystery missile hits Poland. I think I'll solve the mystery. It's the Polish army. I think I know where it came from. Nick, how dare you?

Tensions were significantly heightened in Eastern Europe after a suspected Russian missile landed in Poland, knocking over a banana cart. No, and killing two Polish civilians as the war in Ukraine continued into its eighth month. Look, I'm no physics major, but those guys are in danger right there. I'm pretty sure that truck's going to crush you.

What are you doing? The guy's like, I dropped the pen. What are you doing? That looks very dangerous. And I know, I don't care if that truck's secured with chains or what. Come on. Is this the Polish? Yes.

That's parallel parking. I don't know what to tell you. A senior United States intelligence official confirmed the lethal missile strike on Tuesday on the NATO ally. The strike was reported in the city of Prezoro on the border with Ukraine and people are fucking pissed. I can't blame them. I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore. The Russian Defense Ministry issued a statement denying responsibility for the incident and calling it a deliberate provocation in order to escalate hostilities in the region.

Now, if I'm going to be perfectly honest with you, that's what I thought the minute I heard about it. That was my first instinct. You know how this is. This is how all big wars kick off, whether it was Sir Fernand and... I remember. I did pretty good in history. Sir, you know, Kevin, whatever.

USS Maine, wasn't that another one where we shot them? We're accused of fucking blowing up our own. But whatever. My point being is I don't trust Zelensky. He's basically a Russian. I'm just saying he shut down all the other television stations when he was running, you know, I mean, silencing his political party. He's another one of them, basically. So I'm not, look, I don't know if Profi did it, but I'll talk to him today on the phone.

President Joe Biden said in a tweet, I'm sure he wrote it. Can you imagine him tweeting, what's this little bird? Mr. President, it's flying away. President Joe Biden said in a tweet from his official social media account. Yeah, where he... That AOC runs. Yeah, exactly. Most old people put pictures of their you know they take when they go out to restaurants and they picture foods he puts up pictures of his turds look kids no blood his official social media account that he had met with polish president

to discuss the incident ukrainian president vladr Zelensky. Again, this guy, remember in the middle of the war he was doing these things and it was in offices this nice? I'm like, he's on the run? He's in the back of an Arby's for Christ's sake. There's Zelensky. And again, I mean, I don't want me to poo-poo on him. He's got a lot of balls and whatever. He was a comedian. He's running a country. He was a comic. You guys know that? You know what that means to me, right? Nothing. Wow.

Zelensky responded by issuing a forceful statement by video. I will translate for you people that aren't watching TV because there are subtitles. He's speaking in Russian. So here we go. I like IHOP better than the Wendy's breakfast menu. What moreover he says today today happened what we warned about a long time ago. We talked about it. Terror is not limited to our national borders. It's already spread to the territory of Moldova. And today, we had to close three baby gaps.

And today Russian missiles hit Poland. Luckily there was Polish people there and nobody knew. The territory of our friendly country, people died. Please accept condolences from all our Ukrainian brothers. Two Jews walk into a bar with a Polack. My dog, now he's telling a joke, my dog swallowed 12 Scrabble tiles.

No word yet. It's one of a great joke. How many times has Ukraine said that the terrorist state will not be limited to our country? I don't know, four? Hitting missiles on NATO territory. This is a Russian missile attack on collective security. And we have that, I don't know, Dallas, you might know what it's called.

It's the fifth, or it's got a five in it, which means we're supposed to defend, right? Whatever it's called. Anyways, next. This is a very significant escalation. We must act. This is a very significant escalation. We must act. And I want to say now to all our Polish brothers and sisters, Ukraine will always support you.

Terror will not break free people. Victory is possible when there is no fear, but honestly, I'm shitting my pants right now. What? Terror will not break people. Victory is possible when there is no fear. You and I don't have it. We don't have it. We'll see you guys at the bowling alley tonight at 6.

What? Why did he say that? What's the matter with that guy? But then he said this. You're going to eat lightning and you're going to drop thunder. I don't know why. Look at my teeth. They said to me last week, we'll probably call you Monday. What are we, Wednesday?

Huh? Enjoy this? Slovanna. It really is. People don't call you back. This could be heart surgery. They're like, we'll call you Monday. They found me behind a dumpster rotting.

Oh, yeah. Diane forgot to write it down. Excuse me. Headline, Joe's not rushing to find out about the missile Fucking weak Anyways, Joe Biden yesterday There he is Look, everybody else gets a cheeseburger.

He orders this crazy salad. Was it like the down under with all the things from? No, that's a taco bowl. Look at that fucking. You got to use that, Dallas. Look at the salad. I guess he's got some blockage down there. The rest of the people are drinking water.

He goes, give me the, where are they? I forget where they are. That's not. Indonesia, I think. Indonesia? That doesn't help anything. Anyways, he was asked if he knew anything about the missile strike in Poland, and boy, did he ramble on.

Listen. Mr. President, can you tell us what you know so far about the explosion in Poland, sir? No. Thanks, President. Thanks, President. Thank you, President. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Do you hear his people going, that's enough.

Get him out of here. How embarrassing. They said, say no. I bet you they yelled at him. They said, listen, stupid. Say no. Don't go fucking improv in it, all right? This isn't Second City.

Finish your salad. President Biden revealed late Tuesday that a missile in a deadly strike on Polish soil was unlikely to have been fired from Russia. Who gives a fuck what you think? Exactly. Biden, 179 years, told reporters at the G20 summit in Bali, Indonesia, that a preliminary analysis of the missile's trajectory appears to contest initial speculation that it was fired by Vladimir Putin's leading force. Let me translate that for you.

We checked out. It went too fucking high and far to the right. That's not Russian shit. That's some type of crazy Taiwanese. No, there is preliminary information that contests this. No, there is preliminary information that can test this. Biden said when asked by a reporter, it's too early to say whether this missile was fired from Russia. What exactly leads you to believe the Soviets were involved? My wife told me, Jill, she's a doctor.

I don't want to say that until we completely investigate. But it's unlikely in the minds of the trajectory that it was fired from Russia. But again, do you guys believe any of this? Even if it was, you think they're going to come out and go, yeah, we've got to drop our glove. You understand what it means, folks? Again, I'll say it again. That's all they said about Trump while he was running for president the first time. He's going to get us into World War III.

This jerk-off's done everything and more. Anyways, but we'll see, he says, we'll see. And the journalist said, you sure we'll see? Because you're 79, 179. The commander-in-chief went on to say that G7 and NATO leaders agreed during an emergency meeting to support Poland's investigation into the blast in the rural southeastern part of the country near the Ukrainian border. And again, my first instincts were, what do you do when you want to egg somebody

into a war and you've got a big ally like the United States backing you? How do we? I get a feeling like they're using tactic. And again, I don't know that this is the Ukrainians. But these tactics have been around for so long that governments have to come up with something else now other than, you know, fake attacks. You know what I mean? Biden also said that the next steps would be determined

by the outcome of that probe. Comrade, here is something that might be of interest to you. A transcript of the conversation between your helicopter pilot and his commander. We intercept Dragonfly Wolf 10. Colorful names. Fly wolf dead. Colorful names. Anytime I want to make Dallas smile, I play that one. I spoke with President Andrzej Duda of Poland to express my deep condolences for the $11 worth of damage in that shithole.

No, for the loss of life. I know we're laughing. There's the Polish Kevin Spacey, by the way. Look like he's all swollen from Boy Scout cum. Does that not look like a fucking fat Spacey? They're going, where'd you put the Cub Scout dick? Right in here. The loss of life in eastern Poland

and offer our full support for Poland's investigation of the explosion. We will remain in close touch like I do with most girls. Oh, wait, who's talking here? Oh, yeah, like most girls' ponytails. We'll remain in close touch to determine appropriate next steps as it proceeds. Hey, guys, make plans to come and see me on the road. Here's where I'll be and when.

January 13th and 14th, and here's where I go. Well, that's a ways away, but I'll fart and take a nap, and here we are. Comedy Off-Broadway in Lexington, Kentucky. February 3 and 4, the Grove Comedy Club, Lowell, Arkansas. Two states I don't think I've been to for comedy. I'm pretty sure. March 11th and 12th, the Comedy Club of Kansas City, that's in Missouri.

April 21 and 22, the Funny Bone in St. Louis and St. Charles. I've done both those a while ago. I told you when I did the St. Charles place, that's where the Mennonites go to. It's a hotel where they stay and vacation. I'm in the deep end swimming with a bonnet.

They said I had to put it on. You can get tickets to all these shows at nickdip.com and click on the tour button. What's the headline, fellas? White trash. A young man from New Jersey who had been reported missing was found, oh, God. This was my idea of a light story, by the way.

Was found crushed to death at a recycling center in Pennsylvania after a night out with friends. Around 8.40 a.m. Saturday morning, police were called to Total Recycle, Inc. in Birdsboro, Pennsylvania after workers there had discovered a dead body because of his unique tattoos. Kellen Bischoff, 19, of Manahawken, New Jersey, was quickly identified as the victim.

Who the fuck are you? Are you writing a book? Who the fuck are you? I hope he wasn't wearing that hat. It's a waste. Bischoff had recently traveled to nearby Kutztown, Pennsylvania. That's where Kutztown State played. I actually had a great game against him in the early 50s.

The leather helmet's nice. About two and a half hours northwest of Manahawkin to visit family. So he's visiting family in Pennsylvania. On Friday evening, he attended a party near the campus of Kutztown University. Oh, Jesus Christ. Give me a keg of beer. Surveillance footage showed Bischoff climbing into a dumpster. Oh, Jesus, they have that footage.

Behind a dollar tree in Kutztown in the early hours of Saturday morning. This bug's for you. Oh, come on. A recycling truck came and collected the content. For once, they're on time, right? God. Collected the contents of the dumpster several hours later, at which time Bischoff is likely compressed

with the rest of the contents. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, wrestling team but his true passion seemed to be music he had a scholarship to study music at Full Sail University I went to partial sale he flunked out and he was also a drummer in a local band here's a video of Bischoff posted to his Instagram account on October 12th. Some crossing practice. It's got the rhythm of Alice from the Brady Bunch. God, poor. No, I feel bad for the kid, but come on.

You know why? Anyways, I feel bad for the kid, but come on. You know why? Anyways, I have to judge the drumming. You know what this reminds me? Everything reminds me of, you know, a story in my life. University of Maine. I think it was my sophomore year. I got fucked up at a party way across campus. Walking home.

It's Maine. It's winter. It's got to be about fucking 11 below. I'm not exaggerating. Of course, I'm wearing a nice leather jacket from Chess King. No, I'm fucking dressed. But anyways, I'm fucking, I'm chat-faced. I get about, I'd say, a quarter mile from my dorm, there's the English Math Building. And there was a statue back then, kind of shaped like a big C. I don't know what it was supposed to be. It was sculpture. My idea was to sit in there and take a rest in the sculpture. All of a sudden, I don't know how long I was in there, somebody went like this.

Hey dude, you're gonna fucking die. Somebody woke me up and I staggered the rest of the way. Boy, my parents were disappointed when I came home. But that, can you fucking imagine a poor kid climbing? I don't know. Maybe he was on drugs, right? I don't know. I mean, you've got to be pretty fucked up to climb into a dumpster.

And the other thing that came into my head when I heard that, did you picture Goodfellas and Frenchie, the guy out of the back of the... Remember? In slow motion, they're dumping the... Ay-yi-yi. Anyways, that was the lightest story we could find, right? Honest to God, it was fucking...

I saw that last night, too. I go, that's too dark. And then we have another light one right after. Do we? But that's the... Oh, we do? Son of a bitch. I wouldn't take that long. Male Audience Member 4 No, we have one more. Oh, you do? Male Audience Member 4 Yeah. Son of a bitch. I wouldn't take that long.

Dallas calls this one Tiny Dancer. Fucking guy. I thought I was cold. God bless Dallas. A 25-year-old man who was dancing on top of a track. Now, I don't feel as bad for this. I gave you a title or maybe I didn't give it I said thinning out the herd was Dan a kid was dancing on top of a tractor trailer slammed into an overpass and he friggin died these were the two funniest stories we could find

both involving deaths of young kids but But this one, my only disappointment is I wasn't behind the truck in my car to see it. No, I'm kidding. This is, what are you doing? How do you not? I really believe this is evolution, like the guy that reached into the soda machine and pulled the thing on top of him.

Darwinism. Darwinism, the Darwin Awards. This might be up there, right? Yeah, so the unidentified man was knocked off an 18-wheeler on East X Freeway in Houston, Texas, or as they say in New York, Houston, around 11.30 a.m. on November 10th. Footage recorded by a driver. Can you imagine seeing this? Holy shit. Shows the man standing on a white rapid truck and dodging one overpass.

So he actually dodged one of them. It might be a signal by God to say, stay low. But he went, I fucked him on it. He then gets up and moves his hips and arms and appears to be moonwalking. And appears to, no, be looking to the right when a second overpass hits him. The man, the overpass didn't hit him. He hit the overpass.

What the, they don't know how to write anymore. What, do the overpass have wheels and a gas pedal? The man appeared like the overpass recognized him. Hey, he owes me money. Slap in the back of the head. The man appeared to be mid-step. Oh, thanks. Thanks for the details. Want to tell me what chord was being played? Shows the video obtained by the Daily Mail. This is from the English paper, though. You got to love the Brits. It happened as the truck moved under the torn street bridge, according

to the Houston Police Department. Here's the video, it's useless because once again, like I said, what's the point of the guy, I watched people being beheaded. We can't find the guy banging his head a little bit. Here's the tape of him not getting killed. This is a clip of how he was hoping it would go. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la. Oh, right there? Right. And bam. Bye-bye, dickhead.

I know what you did. You're a damn terrible shit. The man was transported to Memorial Hermann Hospital where Lily and... What? Where he was pronounced dead. Oh, for the God of love. The fourth word, star pelligra, yeah, the telegram. I'm pelligram. He may have been filming himself dancing according to authorities. However, of course he was. You ever hear of

something called the internet and getting famous? That detail has not been confirmed oh yeah colin quincy and the three other detectives to put this one together the truck driver was questioned and released after he was found not to be a police of a launch an investigation into the incident a driver who was four vehicles behind the truck crystal davis said she maneuvered past the man's body as cars needed to go on the far left lane, you know, causing traffic. This is what you hope when you're stuck in traffic for like 20 minutes. It better be something like this. Listen to what she saw, though. I saw the blood chunks.

What's that? Is that a group from the 50s? I saw the blood chunks at Madison Square Garden in 1978 opening for Elton John. They went terrific. But she said, I saw the blood chunks on the ground. That's not blood chunks, honey. It's chunks of fucking skull. I saw the contorted body and broken neck and arm. That couldn't have been said, Davis. She goes, it made me hungry. I turned off to a Wendy. No, according to the Daily Mail, it was a horrible way to begin a day.

Well, I'm glad you added that, stupid. Jesus Christ. How selfish is this bitch? Well, I'm glad you added that, stupid. Jesus Christ! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh, here we go! How selfish is this bitch? I almost missed my 9 a.m. meeting. Fucking asshole! Anyways, I guess, didn't this happen somewhere else? A white kid showing off?

You got the clip, right? Down here? Sure. La, la, la, la, la! You're a seminal freelancer Inside, outside, you Redundant, each and every day Wow, aren't you edgy. Is that Michael J. Wolfe? I like to see him try to do that now. I always make fun of Michael J. Fox, and I know he's just a great guy. I was on Dennis Miller's radio show, and I, at the time, Michael just got diagnosed with that shit, and he was pretty bad, you know. And I said something about he was shaking.

I don't know what we're talking about. I go, he was shaking worse than Michael J. Fox at a Packers game with no shirt on in February. And Dennis goes, man. I get, I've been expecting Dennis to laugh. I get like dead silence. He goes, he goes, sorry, man. Michael's in front of him.

I can't go with you on that one. You know how I felt. Fucking laughing my balls off. But I'm sure, and I know he's a great guy. Because Cam Neely, Dennis Larry, they all, he comes to sometimes, we do those Boston Comes Home things, he does a lot of shit with those guys. Michael, I'm just joking, you know that, so what are you gonna do?

Beat me up? Piece of that? Yes. It's like hitting a moth. Alright, that is it. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to Fenway Park. I'd like to call your attention to the following American League rules. Anybody going on or near the playing surface will be prosecuted.

And executed and persecuted and all types of cuted. That's it. Don't forget Cameo.com. I got one waiting. If you want me to roast a friend or a relative, go to Cameo.com. You guys think and I'll say it. You're very welcome. See you back here for the final day of the week tomorrow.

Have a good day. Hi. Good night, everybody. guitar solo Outro Music