The Nick DiPaolo Show - Drive Thru Donald Lovin' It! | Nick Di Paolo Show #1641

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about McDonald Trump, Vag Votes, Twat Tightening and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! SEE NICK LIVE: 11/9/24 – Bridge View Center Theater – Ottumwa, IA TIX:  https://www.nickdip.com/tour    For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com

Papa Murphy's $8.99 everyday value lineup is, well, a pretty big deal for a pretty small price. We're talking big savings and big flavors, like the new bold shredded pepperoni pizza, savory crumbled sausage pizza, or classic cheese pizza, all for the small price of $8.99 each. So head to Papa Murphy's, because with freshly made large pizzas at this small price, you can afford to take and bake big-time deliciousness all day, every day. Papa Murphy's Change the Way You Pizza. You're being very negative, Mr. DiPaolo. Kiss my ass.

Why you? How are you folks? Welcome on a Monday. This fucking thing. Never buy a hat at an airport. Forty dollars. I go, it's not a fucking fedora Jesus H I was expecting 28 30 he'll whack me at the 40 what did I land the coaching job that

made no sense I'm tired how are you folks great to be with you on a fucking Monday. Interesting weekend. Went up to visit mom because I hadn't seen her in a couple years and I'll let her die before I go up there on holidays with the rest of the world flying. Interesting weekend. Typical. Me and my wife rent the car at Logan Airport. Drive about 20 minutes. actually took an hour. There's so much traffic I used ways and it took me through East Boston through the it was great. We were always moving I'd rather do that than sit in traffic. I don't know about you. I'd rather but have the illusion of progress We kept moving all these side streets through Chelsea through Everett everett these are all fucking old school kind of nasty areas um but anyways took like a fucking hour for a 14 14 mile ride or whatever we get to

the fucking hotel me and the wife go in drop the bags wash our face a little bit come back out Come back out Batteries fucking dead GMC whatever the fuck Batteries dead as a fucking door now Losing my shit. So we I gotta have dinner with my mother now. We're late. We take a fucking over to my mother's beautiful place that my brother well, we're all paying for it, I think but If you saw the paperwork and shit shit my brother went through to get her. It was eight months of lawyers and fucking, just to get her in there.

I could never, I'm retarded. This is what I do, folks. I'll pitch in, I go, you get her in there, I'll fucking send her some fucking chocolates. It's a fair deal. And it really is a gorgeous place, but Jesus Christ, it reminded me of the episode of Sopranos when Uncle Junior, they first bring him to the nursing home and he's looking around and there's people drooling and shit. And she's still spry and she has friends and she's a social butterfly but they weren't there you know because we got there late and my brothers and sisters like, ah she just wants to show you off to like yeah and I'm like so we can and and and and

there's a whole table of about 30 of them and nobody on the fucking 88 and and then there's a whole bunch of them watching a live music you know like nice jazz band or whatever but Jesus Christ you resort to being a child it's like give him their cookies. Let them go instead of an iPad you watch a fucking jazz band then you shit your pants if the solo is good. And all I could think of is when Paulie Walmarts brought his mother to the same place where Tony's or Bronner's mother was and she walks in and and this music somebody's playing a piano she goes oh that's Sammy Khan but my mother

god bless her she's still fucking in a little more hunched over than I remember that's cuz there's a black guy in her back she's been dating listen what no so we uh yeah we had a nice dinner and shit and and But the whole fucking car thing Oh my aching stem and then of course I go they fucking gave me that car per and he's going you fucking nuts She goes and she was right. She goes first of all when we got to the garage They gave you a choice of three you're the one who picked a fucking I go. All right, you won that one But anyways, I'm a marked man.

Since I got thrown out of that bar because of who I am in Dallas, I'm paranoid. And got to see some friends. I went to high school and I haven't seen in fucking years. My sister has this place that they built. It's not even attached to her house. I don't even know how to describe it. It's like its own condo or whatever.

With windows that open to a bar She got a fire pit 85 inch green TV a couch that seats a thousand like a real bar with an ice machine I mean it was phenomenal the her food she can cook her ass off then she ordered pizza on top of it was which was killer and I'm smoking a cigarette my mother's like what are you doing? I go shat it Me and Dougie to look at my buddy who always Anyways and Mikey says inskey my my two close friends. I hadn't seen forever. It was fun. It was really great my sister fucking killed it and

Yesterday Logan Airport Everything's good taking over and everything's going on time. We're early Logan Airport. Everything's good, take an Uber, and everything's going on time, we're early. Go to TSA, I walk up, hand the guy my license, I look into that fucking thing, and he goes, do you have, you wouldn't happen to have your passport on you. And I go, here we go.

No, I don't have my passport on me. Well, can you, we get a little, seem to have a little hiccup here, can you go stand over there? And right away I'm going, here we go. Here we fucking go. So I go stand about, I'm in the way people trying to get Around me they don't even tell me where this me and my wife have to stand over there

Watching the hundred people we were in front of going right through looking into the thing ding ding ding and I look at my wife I go do you believe me yet? I know I was wrong about the car. I go I'm not saying I'm world famous But I am from this town and this town is very fucking fucking liberal. And the people, there is a connection. They know who I am. They go, he's a fucking enemy of the state. Again, I can't prove this, but I hiccup. So I stood there for 10 minutes.

Then I get back in line and I go to the guy, excuse me, I cut in front of everybody like an asshole. I go, why am I, what's the deal? He goes, I have to wait for a senior officer. What is this, the fucking military?? Well kind of. So I go stand in my corner, my timeout, and I'm just I'm looking at him. I'm not taking my eyes off him. And I go to my what else could it be? Are you gonna tell me we just watched a hundred people go through without a fucking hitch? The one

right after me, the one before me, what are you fucking, the guy goes, oh, the machine was probably update. Yeah, that's what it was. That's what I say when I lie to my wife. Why is there cum all over the iPad? It's update. I go, I'm telling you, I'm fucking, anyways, after about 15 minutes,

and I'm an anal, I wanna get to where I'm going. I'm like every other Massachusetts person. he finally goes you know and we go through I wanted to sink my thumbs into his fucking throat even though it's not him but some some might it's my theory and I'm sticking to it as Colin Quinn would say and then I suck a punch to an aunt of mine that was a good weekend oh yeah Oh, yeah No, it was great other than that, but Jesus Christ I'm born under a death star between the dead battery and the fucking some other shit went wrong, too I can't even remember but the nursing home may be happy because she's in such a nice place But it's not a nursing home is Tony surprise. It's a what do they call it?

Million people are yelling to the screen right now. A retirement community! All right, enough of my bullshat. And I'm forgetting some other good shit I talked to you about. I can't remember. Let's get right to it because Trump's going down as the greatest president ever. They did their homework this year. president ever. They did their homework this year. McDonald Trump, I thought that was so original, then I go on the internet, fucking everybody's got the same, wearing an, that's how I know I'm getting old and don't have the fastball anymore, wearing an apron and a red tie, the former president served up some

fries and political shade against his rival throwing a behind-the-conner stint at Mickey D's on Sunday, which drew a monster crowd to the Feasterville Trevose, Pennsylvania. Fast food restaurant, Feasterville? Is that a real name? That's hilarious. McDonald's has long been one of Trump's favorite chains. Well, if you're an American,

but his visit to the Golden Arches Sunday doubled as an effort to re-up his doubts over Vice President Kamala Harris claims that she worked. I love again once whoever writes it his doubt, her doubt, his doubts, no it's been proven. I mean McDonald's came out said we don't have any record of that. So why do you put in his doubts? You're fucking Whoops, I'm already in Twitter jail, by the way for tweeting Whatever. I can't repeat it. I'll be in this jail a Lot of freedom of speech, huh? I'll be man. I'm willing to die on my friggin microphone Anyways, remember she claimed she worked there. Well, you got to look at that This made me just I fucking fucking, Trump is just some,

she's out there going, he's tired, he's unstable, he's unfit, he's working circles around her. So much so, he has time to stick it in her face about a lie she did. I said, I think it was in Gutbell's Mulan, I go, can you imagine if he's trying to do all the jobs that she said she did, but she didn't? He has to head to the border tomorrow.

Watch this. This wouldn't be a thrill of a lifetime. Go ahead. Here you go. Here, you'll have these. There's plenty of them in there for you, okay? You want to move them back? Here, you'll have them.

Here you go. What do you think? This will move the needle for you? I don't know, I'm doing very well. We're leaving by quite a bit. She has no fracking. She's never... She's had no fracking. She's going to have no fracking. No fracking business.

We can drop another one too, so we'll grab one more man. One more man? Yep. You're going to put it right here. Load slowly into the wood, or it'll burn. I love them. I love them. Delicious. Delicious. God bless America. Can you imagine? He's sticking it right up her waz a luge and they're all in it and then I see last night Oh, they had to close the McDonald's. It wasn't like it was opening

Yeah, because he's been shot at by people who fucking listen to you you fucking maggotrons I'll tell you what it's a great franchise Trump. It's a great company. I got another video about me. Forgot about it. Working hard. They say I work harder than anybody. That's what they say. All right, let's take a look at. A lot of fun here, everybody.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Look at all the fake news over there. Hello, everybody. You can't take this, right? And you know this is compliments of Trump, look here. Mr. President, please don't let the United States become Brazil, my native Brazil. Oh, well, we'll see.

I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. You can take this, right? You know this is compliments of Trump, okay? Yes, thank you. Mr. President, please don't let the United States become Brazil, my native Brazil. We'll keep it good. We're going to make it better than ever, okay? Thank you. It's a pleasure. Compliments of Trump.

Thank you so much. Have a good time. Thank you. Have a good time. Thank you. Have a good time. Thank you. Bye, darlin'. Have a good time. Thank you. I love it. I'll tell you what, it's a great franchise. It's a great company.

Look at the crowd over there. These fries are free. Trump fries. Remember Bush had the Freedom Fries? He's a Trumpie Fries. Look at how happy he says everyone is. They're happy because they want hope, the Commander in Chief. Commander in Beef.

Oh my God. Somebody put the Commander in Beef and they ought to be funny. The God damn Post told reporters from the drive thru window, I've now worked for 15 minutes more than Kamala. She's a lying whore. In what his campaign dubbed the October surprise, Jesus, folks, lay off the puns. McDonald Trump worked the counter

and bantam of the customers who drove up. His campaign also released footage of him jubilantly preparing his happy meals. Well over a thousand mega Donald's faithful line the street road in lower South Hampton township in an effort to meet Trump and say hail to the chef. I gotta get out of this article before I shit. This is like the food that goes right through me. At the McDonald's in critical Bucks outside of philly, which is a critical

Mr. President, thank you for taking a bullet for us. That's the first thing everybody should say Uh, and look at would you ever known they try to kill him twice? And don't think that's gonna stop you think if he wins, what do you think they're gonna forget? Yeah Uh an excited supporter said after trump handed two bags of food into her suv Wow Thank you. Mr president her husband said you made it possible for ordinary people like us to meet you because

you're not ordinary you're not ordinary you're great people i said to my wife do you understand the energy that this guy has he'll do three different cities in an afternoon do you understand what he must have been like when he was 35 or 30 and you wonder why he built a half the Manhattan skyline? He was working his competition in circles. The more we know about him, the more I like the guy. I didn't even like him years ago, like the apprentice and I have my radio show. I'd have to do a commercial for Trump's, yeah, yeah, they're the best ever.

They probably were. Papa Murphy's 8.99 everyday value lineup is, well, a pretty big deal for a pretty small price. We're talking big savings and big flavors, like the new bold shredded pepperoni pizza, savory crumbled sausage pizza or classic cheese pizza. All for the small price of 8.99 each. So head to Papa Murphy's because with freshly made

large pizzas at this small price, you can afford to take and bake big time deliciousness all day every day. Papa Murphy's, change the way you pizza. Anyways, so let's stay on a related topic. No vote, no vagina. So while Trump is shaking hands and pressing the hammer and making fans and new voters for him, Vice President Kamala Harris' campaign released a new digital advertisement that

targets black men's love lives, insinuating that they will be rejected by women if they don't have a plan to vote. The ad depict a dating game in which a black man approaches a group of women, black women, who are holding balloons. I don't get it. They begin to ask him questions about himself including how much he makes, how tall he is, and whether he works out. So you can tell these are really deep women looking for real love. It's insulting to everybody involved. The man's answers get seemingly, and this

is coming from a sexist pig, the man's answers get seemingly positive responses from the women until one asks him if he has a plan to vote. First of all, who needs a plan to vote? Yeah, I'm going gonna walk up the street and pull the lever, you fuckhead. What do you mean plan? Yeah, I got schematics in the car.

What are you talking about? You have a plan, oh my God. Anyways, here you go, check this out. It's so insulting. Hello ladies, I'm Trey. It's good to be here. What do you do and how much do you make? I work at Five Eggs, making six figures. How tall are you do and how much do you work in finance making six figures?

How tall are you six five? Do you have any plans about November? No, not my thing Pause I thought he said hands up surprised he didn't duck I'm just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. Guys, do you understand if Trump or the Republicans put that out, or the two previous ones that

Kamala has used, they're telling black men, we're going to legalize weed because we know that's all you do is smoke weed. All right, sometimes they're right. They love their hooch. We're going to legalize weed. Remember the forgivable loans, and we're going gonna give you free fucking money and you're not gonna get any pussy if you don't vote our way talk about boiling somebody down to a stereotype can you imagine if the right did that I swear to somebody

in Kamala's orbit her campaign that hates her and I swear and there's a lot of Dems who hate her now I swear to God they're they're still gonna try to steal it, but it's almost like they're trying to sabotage your campaign She couldn't make more wrong mistakes But not all users were sold on the content of the ad with some arguing that the ad only served to insult and dehumanize Black men it kind of did let's not get overboard But Democrats continue to dehumanize and insult black men and try to shame and pressure them into only voting for them, one user wrote. Well, thank you, detective. Kamala Campaign doesn't even try to engage respectfully. Does the Harris Walls team really believe this will convince

anyone to vote for them? asked another, belittling and insulting another user added. Is it because we're black? I think so. According to one Howard University initiative on public opinion poll, 81% of black men say they plan to vote for Harris, though that number drops to 68% for black men under 50 years old, with 21% of that group indicating they plan to support former President Trump. Never hear them numbers anywhere. I love that. He was out in Detroit

No, where was he Pittsburgh in? friggin Antonio Brown You want to get the young black man vote You know Antonio Antonio Brown troubled receiver for the Steelers and the friggin everybody else the Jeff Weffer You know the guy that quit right in the middle of the game and he's fucking nuts? He was out there speaking, he's not as nuts.

I'm like, I know he's nuts, but he really already hit it yesterday, but he's hugging Trump. Do you guys understand that's a brother's brother? I mean, to me that carries a ton of weight. Pittsburgh's a liberal city, but they put football ahead of everything. So they're like, yo, he down with them, I down with them. And Le'Veon Bell or whatever, Traveon, whatever the fuck, and he was out there too. You guys think about this, if this was even four years ago.

Think about the first time Trump ran for president, can you imagine? It's amazing. Let's move on. Let's lighten it up with twat tightening. That's how you know you're watching the real news. You go from politics. That's the headline. Dallas wrote it, twat tightening.

It was alliteration. I said, I'm not touching it. It's beautiful. As duck lips and Brazilian butt lifts continue to lose popularity, I didn't duck lips. I must be watching the wrong channels. I see that shit everywhere. There's one wild procedure that's surprisingly gaining traction among women. Vaginal tightening has been around for years. I know it has because I'm gonna play... I wrote the... to me this bit is as good as my... to catch a

predator bit. I had a whole bit of vaginal rejuvenation because it was popular a few years ago. With celebrities like Brandy Glanville and Jada Pinkett Smith, who I wouldn't fuck with my dad's dick, nice cornerback for the Eagles look. Getting work down under and requests for designer vaginas, or as Boston guys say, designer vaginas, are only continuing to grow. The demand, not the muff itself.

Don't get crazy out there. My vagina's angry. It is. It's pissed off. Well, give it a new tongue. According to the International Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, that's ISAPS, in 2022 there were 194,000 labiaplasty procedures.

That's a lot of meat in the dumpster. Delicious. Best show yet. That's an increase of over 46% from the previous four years. Former Jersey Shore family vacation star, Jen Holly, recently, damn, recently opened up to DailyMail.com about her vaginal rejuvenation experience. The mom of three, that means she had to tighten it up.

Three kids climb out of there, it's a fucking, it's an echo. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Is anybody in there? Not anymore.

Not anymore. The Mama 3, 36, turned Texas-based physician, Dr. Amy Gwynne, to remodel her lady parts with a laser procedure and an X-Acto knife and a spork in the cold following the birth of her third child last year. I'm single right now. I'm not having any more babies. This is the last one for me, she explained,

because she's shallow. Having babies, your vagina canal opens. So what Dr. Gwen does, she sews it back together. So it's basically like being a virgin again. Which is, it's not fair to, is that part of the joke in there about, it's like selling a used car? Was that in there? No. Part of the bit I have in, I go, that's not fair to guys. You're lying to them. It's like rolling back the odometer on a fucking used car.

She's like, uh, yeah, I know, you know I've only been with three men really let me see the snatch facts That was part of the pit we're gonna play it for you Jen who's best known for relationship with Ronnie Magro said the recovery process Left her a little sore, but so did Patrick Ewing but said it wasn't much different to recovering from childbirth I just want to get it back into its original condition What is this a leather couch and save it from somebody special the save it for somebody special the real thing It's a little late for that Had lipo suction on her arms said I have a bit of the before I do that you guys you're gonna

Miss it because those of you on my club You'll see the rest of the show the rest of you You got to go to Nick dip and calm and sign up for mug club if you do that You're gonna get the entire show here You're gonna Steven crowd is full show you get Alex Jones who pops in and out on crowd his show You got Brian Khaled show and you got Brian Kallard show, and you got the undercover guys who break national stories. So go to nickdip.com,

sign up for Mug Club. While you're there click on the date. November 9th, Bridgeview Center Theatre, Ottumwa, Iowa. We're just starting to push it out now on social media, so I expect the tickets to go up. All right, also second half of the show we We're gonna tell you about the guy who the brainchild behind October 7th Massacre in those poor Jewish kids at that music festival Well, they got him this weekend and in great fashion is actually footage and Katy Perry kissed a guy a few years ago An American Idol that turned out to be a real filthy scoundrel That's putting it That's putting it mild.

Hi, good night everybody. I'm for you I'm for you Wow!