The Nick DiPaolo Show - Duke Professor: "Donald the Dictator" #219

Episode Date: August 26, 2019

Grey Lady shows her true colors. Bagel Boss to box Mets legend. And Nick examines millennial pop music.

Welcome to the Run through a motherfucker face. We'll see you next time. Hey, welcome back. That was a quick ten days, wasn't it? Jesus, I did nothing. Went to the gym four or five times. Got hooked on the Little League World Series. Lost ten grand on the Japs. But you know, everybody. Louisiana.

See that team from Louisiana? Every one of them could hit. Every little four foot, 98 pounds. Okay, we're being, can you hear that? You guys at home, can you hear that? We're being attacked. The minute the show fucking starts, what are they...

Are they watching it in the control tower? What's the friggin' military place? Come on, answer. You're from Savannah? Hunter. Thank you. What the fuck was that, a career decision on your part? Hey, folks, shout-out.

Shout-out. Shout-out $100 contributions by Steve O'Reilly, James O'Rourke, Kevin McArdle. Apparently the Irish are making all the dough in this country. Thank you guys so much for not spending that on whiskey and coke and whores and sending it to the Nick DiPaolo Show. Go to nickdip.com to contribute. Sign up on Patreon if you want three more shows a week. Okay, what the fuck? Is that the longest jet in history?

You guys can't hear it at home. What the? Got the Blue Angels over my studio doing... That's how I am when I get back from vacation. Not happy to be here yet. Love doing the show. Just, you know We're coming at you live, by the way You know that

We'll do it live Okay We'll do it live! Fuck it! Hey I want all of you to enjoy your cake So, enjoy You know you want crazy motherfucking what, man?

Yeah, I've been said, yo What's happening, ladies and gentlemen? Good to be back Let me go over the dates real quick You can get them at nickdip.com motherfucking walk, man. Yeah, they've been said, yo. What's happening, ladies and gentlemen? Good to be back. Let me go over the dates real quick. You can get them at nickdip.com. Thursday, September 26th. Circle this one.

Wise Guys Comedy Club, Salt Lake City. Never been there. Never been to this club in 30 years, which is kind of weird because I had an affair with Marie Osmond when she was 300 pounds. Friday and Saturday, September 27th and 28th, The Comedy Works in Las Vegas, Nevada. Tommy, change the name of that, okay?

You're on fucking, you're in Vegas now. You were the big boys. You call it The Comedy Works? Might as well be in Wayne, Indiana. Come on. Thursday, October 10th, Levity Live, Nyack, New York. Friday, October 11th,

The Strand Theater, Seymour, Connecticut. Friday, November 15th, The Colton Repertory Theater, Colton, New York. Saturday, November 16th, The Strand Theater, Seymour, Connecticut. Friday, November 15th, the Colton Repertory Theater, Cortland, New York. Saturday, November 16th, the Comedy Works, Saratoga Springs, New York. New Year's Eve, back at the Tarrytown Musical in Tarrytown, New York. And then in 2020, I have the Ridgefield Playhouse on Friday, January 24th, Ridgefield, Connecticut. Saturday, February 15th, the Kelsey Theater, Lake Park, Florida. We're working on dates in Georgia and Maine also.

So go to nickdip.com for all your ticket information. How you doing, folks? Glad to be with you. What is going on in the world? I don't know. I stay away from news the whole eight days. I need a break from it. It just, you know what I mean?

Watch the Little League World Series. And you can learn a lesson about our society, too, watching that, just how soft we've become just by just the announcers and, oh, these kids. And, you know, a kid will drop a pop-up. But, you know, what an effort. He ran almost a foot and a half. And, oh, for Christ's sake, what's he going to melt like sugar? Kid dropped the fucking ball.

Free run scored. Oh, but Timmy tried real. And there was a female umpire, a woman behind the play. I didn't know until the fourth inning she was a woman. They interview her and her husband because ESPN will never pass up a story like that. She was good, though. I've got to be honest with you. She was on top of everything.

I couldn't believe it was a broad. She did a nice job. I'm just saying. How does a woman like that? She's married and shit. Oh, Nick. Look, she was more manly than me. But I'm just saying.

I love the fact that she likes to umpire. How does it look like she was the first one ever? Congratulations, Billy. I mean, Pam. The fuck? Sue? What? Who said that?

You know you want crazy motherfucking what? Oh, shut it. Anyways, what is going on in the goddamn world? Forgot to put the Hitler button in there. There we go. No, I didn't. I'm for you. Do eigenarbeit.

Do eigenfleisch. Eigenen Schlossneid. The big story, I think, personally. Duke professor, that's all you need to know, a professor from any college, compares destructive Trump to Hitler, Stalin, and Mao during a CNN interview. How the fuck are they still on the air?

Can you imagine? That's what he compares Trump to. But it's all lies. Duke University psychiatric professor jay i wonder how he votes a psychiatric effect from a college alan francis claimed president trump may be responsible for millions of deaths can explain that to me you you fuckstain. Here's a clip of the douche.

Thousands of patients, almost all of them, have been well-behaved, well-mannered, good people. Trump is none of these. Lumping the mentally ill with Trump is a terrible insult to the mentally ill, and they have enough problems and stigma as it is. Where's your appetite, shithead? The second issue is that calling Trump crazy hides the fact that we're crazy for having elected him. Pause. First of all, you're saying we're crazy. You didn't elect him.

We know how you voted, shit-stain. You wanted the think-ankle dogface who was too lazy to get her off her ass for the last day, and Trump outworked her. He outsmarted her. Not to mention Google employee came out. We talked about this last week and admitted that Google probably threw anywhere from 2 to 6 million votes Hillary's way, and the pig still lost.

So don't say we. You didn't vote him in. I did, and I'm not mentally ill. And where's your upper teeth again, baggy eyes? Go ahead. And even crazier for allowing his crazy policies to persist. Trump is as destructive a person in this century as Hitler, Stalin, and Mao were in the last century.

He may be responsible for many more million deaths than they were. He needs to be contained. What? What deaths are you talking about? Shit stain. Seriously. Elaborate. This is where Brian Stetzer, but he's too busy blowing somebody, could have piped in and said,

what are you talking about? But he didn't. Okay, go ahead. Let it. But he needs to be contained by attacking his policies, not his person. Yeah. Who said that? Who the fuck said that? That's a professor from Doge.

Who's a slimy little communist shit-twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? What I love about it, he appeared on a show called Reliable Sources. No irony at all at CNN. That was Sunday. And then he almost immediately contradicted himself, as the article says, by comparing Trump to mass murderers right before he discouraged personal attacks on people. This guy is a gobbler of goo from way back when. God help me. CNN host Brian Stelter.

You know Brian Stelter. He's one of our favorites here. Just a terrific guy. I suck cock, and I love it. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. He caught some backlash on Twitter. Can you imagine? You're a CNN host and you're catching backlash on Twitter,

which is no right-wing bastion. He caught shit for not stepping in sooner to challenge the idiot professor's initial comments. And then later he acknowledged he should have done more. Listen, this is his apology for not jumping in. He can't even blame himself completely.

So typical of a fucking left-wing D-bag. I agree that I should have interrupted after that line. I was too busy giving a handjob to a 14-year-old page. What? Who said what? I wish I had heard him say it, but I was distracted by tech difficulties. That's why the show opened didn't look the way it normally does, when I'm in a pink tutu, spinning around. I had two computers at the table.

Not hearing the comment is my fault. That's how he blamed himself, not hearing it. He was too busy getting the tech shit straight so he could lie to millions of Americans waiting for a plane at Delta Terminal in Atlanta. What a cheesy piece of ass. I'm a fucking idiot. That guy is a professor. Well, he's a psychiatry, you know. Can you imagine going to him? That's a grown man.

Who the fuck does he look like there? I have no idea. Me in about 10 minutes with the stress. Here he is showing how he grabbed the ass of a 19-year-old Cub Scout at the mall in Minneapolis with his mock turtleneck. What a leftist D-bag. Trump is responsible for millions of deaths. Nobody calls him on it. Everybody's a, Stelter didn't call me. He's too busy applauding along with his camera people. But do you believe CNN is still on the air after all the, again, once Trump is out of office,

it's going to fold like a cheap lawn chair. You know that. He's keeping them alive. Keeping them alive. The lefties are just – so he's worse than Mao, and he's a dictator, and Hitler, and all the others. And the New York Times, they follow suit. Actually, they lead the way. But they're back in the paper for their anti-Semitic.

We've done a couple stories this year on, you know, the editors and anti-Semites. And they have to admit to it. They're so bad now. But they're back in the paper again. New York Times admits editors' comments were racist and anti-Semitic, as we say. Hates Jews. Hates Jews. And anti-Semitic, as we say.

Hates Jews. Hates Jews. A piece for the first time, the newspaper in its own pages addressed the scandal regarding a guy named Wright hyphen Persanti. What, did he keep his maiden name? In the piece, the Times reveals that it considers the tweet racist and anti-semitic before this piece the times had only described the content as a violation of its standards and right pierre santi had only described the content as offensive we're talking about this uh this this guy uh that you he's the editor of the times now is that him, he's got a growth. He's in hot water with at least two Republican congressmen calling him to be fired for a series of tweets he made 10 years ago that ridiculed Jews, Mohawk Indians, and the Amish.

And you know all three of them are like this. Even the Times itself he went after. And Tom Wright-Persanti, a senior political editor, I'll repeat that, a senior political editor, has deleted many of the more offensive tweets. In one, since-Yank tweet from New Year's Day 2010, he posted, I was going to say crappy Jew year. This sounds like Louis C.K. to me. Only Louis wouldn't mean it.

But one of my resolutions is to be less anti-Semitic. So happy Jew year. You Jews. Isn't he funny? Isn't he? This is the editor of the New York Times. Senior editor. Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker. How dare you talk like that?

It seems foolish to have all this money lying around. Oh, you'd rather have it down at the bank where the Jewish guys can live? Oh, my God. Money. Then he says in another tweet, there are four Indian guys with mohawks in this one class, and each one is a douche. Douche is his favorite word, by the way. In his own awful way.

I hate Mohawk Indians, he tweeted on December 9th, 2009. He did this. Elizabeth Warren read this tweet and just melted like the witch from The Wizard of Oz. Because she has won one millionth, whatever, cream corn, fucking tobacco. Fire this dangerous bigot, tweeted Alabama Congressman Mo Brooks. This isn't an intern. This is an editor, added Congressman Lee Zeldin, very Jewish fellow from Long Island.

Someone should walk over to his desk, tell him to pack up, and walk him out. Now, normally I would agree with that. I said I should. Only because of the climate today, if it was a conservative, there's never any talk. But that's not how it should be. You shouldn't be, and this goes for left, right, everybody. You shouldn't be getting fired for shit that you did in college or whatever. I'm just glad this tech wasn't around when I was at the University of Maine peeing on somebody who was asleep after I painted a, you know,

a swastika on their head with a Sharpie. But I'm a comedian. That would only raise my profile. But this is the climate that the left has created with their political correct horse shit. And you know what? I say fire the motherfucker. Normally I'm all for free speech, but if these are the rules, I didn't make them, you guys made them, you want to play by them, can the guy. Not really fair, but like I said, you created the game. At the time, most of the objectional tweets, right per Santy, was working at the Star Ledger in Newark, but he apparently had no love for some of his colleagues there.

He says, I am a ball of fucking rage. I hate being talked down to by my peers. Fat frog looking bitch, he tweeted November 2010. Fat frog looking bitch. Wright Persanti's Twitter page suggested he adores the word douche, which crops up more than a dozen times. He looks like a douche. His Facebook page was totally open. I could have used a photo of him posing in front of a mirror like a girl he wrote on February 18, 2011.

Wright joined the Times in 2014, but before he got there, he often blasted his future employer. What? The New York Times, it says, what the New York Times does is take your story, spice it up with a dash of douche zest. I don't know if you've tried the douche zest. I put that on chicken wings with a little bit of emerald stuff just to touch a douche zest. He says, anyways, he says, what the New York Times does is take your story, spice it up with a dash of douche zest, and then a million people read it. That's what he tweeted on October 13th of 2010. Again, this is a current editor at the New York Times.

Apparently he runs a child trafficking ring on the westish, he tweeted in August 2010, I'm working on a tell-all expose of the Amish, calling it more like Pennsylvania douche. Is that all you know? This is an editor of the paper of record. Breitbart, the far, every time they mention Breitbart, they follow it with the far right news. It's the only one reporting anything of any truth. Do you ever see New York Times far-left publication? Or when you're watching a talk show on Sunday morning, it always says conservative commentator.

It never says liberal douche. Liberal douche zest. Yummy, yummy. Anyways, Breitbart news service dug up many of the offensive tweets and published them on August 22nd, igniting the firestorm. After they came to light, Wright Persanti began furiously deleting and then apologized. I have deleted tweets from a decade ago. They are offensive.

I am deeply sorry, he tweeted Thursday morning. Does anybody believe that apology? And you blew it! You blew it. But of course the New York Times doesn't know what they're going to do with him yet, you know. They're going to have a big meeting. Why get rid of him? You got the governor, what is he, the

lieutenant governor, the black guy who's, you know, accused of rape in Virginia. He's still working, isn't he? I think Northam is still working, who performs, you know, nine-month-old abortions well in blackface at the same time. Guy's wild, man. I mean, he's wild. But unbelievable. The Times piece authored by Jeremy Peters and Ken Vogel said, The Times piece authored by Jeremy Peters and Ken Vogel said,

the operation's tactics were on display last week, seemingly in response to two pieces in the Times that angered Mr. Trump's allies. The paper's editorial board published an editorial on Wednesday accusing Trump of fomenting anti-Semitism. How can he be fomenting anti-Semitism when he goes over to Israel? He's the most popular guy in Israel right now. He's more popular than Netanyahu. He moved the capital to Jerusalem or wherever the fuck. He's more popular than Netanyahu. He moved the capital to Jerusalem or wherever the fuck to

Sunoco Station on the West Bank. I don't know. But he's the most popular guy there. He's the most popular Gentile in the history of Israel for the love of Christ. Before this piece of time, they only described the content as a violation of standards uh anyways uh so they they accused trump of fomenting anti-semitism uh and the newsroom published

a profile thursday morning of miss grisham the new white house press secretary which included unflattering details about her employment history one person involved in the effort said the pro trump forces aware ahead of time about the coverage of Ms. Grisham, were prepared to respond. Early Thursday morning, soon after the profile appeared online, Breitbart published an article that documented anti-Semitic and racist tweets written 10 years ago by Tom Wright-Persanti, who was in college at the time. Anyways, the Times is still kicking around with what they're going to do with them. You know, sources inside the Times familiar with the matter said the union is involved, but the legal departments of all the newspaper continues attempting to determine what action should be taken. Yeah, kick that one around for about a half hour. I'm just saying I don't agree with it either.

When you get caught saying shit years ago, people this age, you know, grew up with this stuff. And it's all documented. But if that's the game you're going to play, you know, good to see Breitbart. They're actually being proactive. They were ahead of it. They're like, oh, yeah, you're saying Trump's doing this, anti-Semitic chick, look what we got. So we're pushing back a little bit. Let's lighten it up by our favorite.

This isn't a Jewish story, but it involves bagels. I don't. Nick, what kind of crack is that? I don't know. Bagel guy Chris Morgan to fight Lenny Dykstra in boxing. What the hell's going on out here? Oh, God. You guys remember Chris Morgan.

He's the one that had a meltdown at a Long Island bagel store. He's about 4'11". Couldn't see over the goddamn donut counter. Anyways, tell me we're not coming apart at the seams in this country. He's going to fight Dykstra. I'd pay right now to see this. I love Lenny Dykstra. He's as crazy as this guy. For those of you people who forgot about Chris Morgan,

let's take a look at a clip we played not too long ago. You're a great woman. Why is that okay? Why is it okay for women to say, oh, you're five feet on dating sites? You should be dead? That's okay? Who said that to you here? Nobody.

Women in general have said it on dating sites. You think I'm making that shit up? Everywhere I go, I get the same fucking smirk with the biting lip. Shut your mouth. You're not God or my father or my boss. Or my boss. I'm from Long Island. Dude, you want to step outside?

You want to step outside? You want to step under a table? I'm not standing, pal. Enough. Enough. You want to step outside? You want to step under a table? I'm not standing. Enough. Enough. You shut up, dude. Shut the fuck up. You got to hit an attack. Okay, go.

Oh, my God. I just wanted bagels. Have a cigarette, Nick. Hates Jews. Hates Jews. Oh, my God. Anyways, he's going to square off at Lenny Dykstra. He hates shoes. Oh, my God. Anyways, he's going to square off with Lenny Dykstra. The 56-year-old retired baseball player inked a deal with celebrity boxing promoter Damon Feldman for the showdown next month in Atlantic City.

But the five-foot-nothing bagel store customer said he's not intimidated by Dykstra's world series rings what if he wears them in the ring you should be he's one of the best in the world but he's got 15 years over me i guess that means he's 15 years older than the midget morgan uh told the post no offense but i'm younger i'm stronger i'm faster napoleon complex This poor prick. He says, let everyone have your opinions. Just wait for it because I have the confidence and I know what I'm capable of. Yeah, you're capable of using a fucking foot ladder to get your coffee mugs in the kitchen. He's got the reach, but I've got the stance.

You could be fighting T-Rex and he would have the reach over you. I've got the power. I don't think you need to question it. I've got the power. You're yelling at women in a fucking bagel shop. Morgan said he's gearing up for the match with a high-protein diet, which includes blowing five guys a day. What? Includes a lot of eggs, though not any recently on a bagel.

Ha-ha, the post said. He's also claimed he's been working out three to four times a week, including sessions at the martial arts gym. I've been walking, throwing fists, push-ups, some cardio. Let's take a look at the next video I don't even know what the fuck it is there he is working out look at him

developing those fucking midget lats be ready he says be in your best shape because I'm going to kick your ass in this corner fighting out of the midget corner standing four foot six inches tall 11 grams soaking wet i'm coming for you baby is what he says and uh boy does he never know when to close that you need

to shut the fuck up. Lenny Dykstra actually said on Twitter, I actually feel bad about it. I want to help you, Dykstra said. This was in July 10th video. The anger and issues you have about being small, you need to understand, I was the smallest guy in the league, so I had to deal with the same kind of thing. Like that's the same thing. Mmm, Coke. The match is going to go down on September 7th.

I've got to get a ticket. I hope I'm up there buying Coke in the Atlantic City at the Showboat Hotel. They actually got together to do a little promo, and, you know, they have to play it up. And this goes on in pro boxing for years. And if you remember Joe Frazier and Ali, they went on the Mike Douglas show to promote a fight, and they tackled each other on the stage.

And UFC does this shit, and it's all part of the promotion. But let's take a look at this stage. Look at Lenny. Look at Lenny. WebTix.com. Rich, if you're betting, who do you take on that one? Only Dykstra. Why is that?

Because he has the reach. That's true. Who wouldn't have a reach over? I just picture Lenny holding the guy like the forehead like this. The guy's swinging his fucking. Lenny's crazy. Lenny Dykstra is one of the most interesting people on the planet. The guy's like a financial whiz. He scammed a bunch of people.

But, well, you know Jason. You're a Mets fan, right? Yeah, I think he conned people at a car dealership or something. He did. But he made millions. I mean, you know. He just read a bunch of books, he said. And he's the one Met that I liked when I hated the fucking Mets in 86.

I always like guys like that. But he's crazy. He's been in and out of jail and fucking, and now he's fighting a midget, a bagel midget. Well, bagel guy just got arrested last night. Did he really? Yeah. There's a video on the post. Well, thanks for fucking bringing that up before the show.

What are you doing? What's the matter with you? We could have used that. I didn't know it was on the show today. You didn't? No, I didn't. Why not? Because I like to catch all the stories by surprise, and that's my humor.

Okay. What you do is every morning you check with him. Okay? I don't send them to you because you send them to me, and I think it's silly if I send them right back to you saying we're going to use it. Well, you're a comedian, so it should be silly. See, now he's trying to be funny. Jesus Christ, I hope you get stomach cancer and it spreads to your kids.

He doesn't have any kids, ladies. Don't get upset. Do you know what I mean, though? No, seriously, hit Jason up and go, what do we do? What has Nick sent you so far? I mean, I could CC you, but then you'll get confused. You're going to be like, I just sent Nick that story. What does he say?

I'm an IT guy. I can handle it. You're an IT guy. You can handle it. It took you 40 minutes to set up my cable, and you worked at the company for 40 years. You need some duct tape, and do you have any paper towel racks so that's the fight please i cannot wait for that to happen i would pay 60 bucks like it was ultimate fighting whatever the fun well you know what i love here and what we love here um

hey jason do you have uh wayneued up? Oh, good. We'll probably get flagged. On Mondays, folks, I don't know what I can show, what I can't. You show shit, it gets copywritten. Then I can't make money on the ad, whatever. I just want to put out the funniest show because I have all the money I need. You can tell by the necktie and the $11 shirt.

Anyways, Princeton, once again, anything Ivy League, you know they're going to be Anyways. Princeton. Once again, anything Ivy League, you know they're going to be contradictory with other stories. Princeton to host Ultra Vulgar Rapper at September Festival. And she's my favorite artist out there. It's Elton John, then Cupcake. That's her name, Cupcake. Do we have a picture

of Cupcake, Jace? What the fuck? You fat, nasty black bitch! Look at that. I mean, those are National Geographic titties.

She's got cotton candy growing out of her. I wouldn't bang her with fucking Deke's dick. Look at all the dildos on the right she has. That's three more than I have, and hers are made of ice. She's got glass dildos. Look at this thing. Somebody will tag that. That's how sick guys are.

Anyways, apparently she's a mermaid. Got a dress made from Alcoa aluminum. According to the Daily Princetonian, which I read all the time, that's where I get my news from Paul Krug, her real name's Elizabeth Eden Harris, which sounds like a highfalutin, high society woman. But look at this ghetto trash. A.K.A. Cupcake, yo, will be one of the performers at Prattstint in September. She's doing a lawn party.

So you know her career is skyrocketing. Surrounded by 40 white frat guys laughing at her big fat ass. She's doing that in mid-September. I'm opening for her. I've got to do seven minutes clean. Listen, student government social chair, Heaven Jennings. Heaven, H-E-A-V-Y-N. I'm guessing black black I don't know I could be wrong would tell the daily nothing more anyway

Cupcake and that's spelled C-U-P-C-A-K-K-E she began her career the same way I did at age 14 by penning religious themed poetry but decided to do a 180 degree turn to sexually explicit productions after hearing a Pierce hit song. Her debut offering, Come Cake. That's the flip side of Deep Throat.

I put Come Cake's lyrics right up there with, you know, Lennon's Imagine. Deep Throat. That's the big hit single off this album. That's right, folks. Deep Throat. That's the big hit single off this album. That's right, folks. Deep Throat. She also appeared at Yale last year. That was without controversy indeed. Yale Daily News columnist Finnegan Schick said,

did a university administrator sincerely sign off on this decision? Has someone informed President Salobi that, here's another one of her songs, that spoiled milk titties? I think she's covering a Sinatra tune when she did that. Didn't Sinatra do spoiled milk titties? I like my titties with spoiled milk. I like my titties. Come on, fella, with spoiled milk.

The tits come in with the summer wind and spoil that milk. A block of cheese falls to my knees. Fucking lost my mind. Spoil milk titties. That went to number three with a bullet. Anyways, that was at Yale. Anyways. Let's take a look at the lyrics.

Terrific. I'm going to read them to you. Okay? I should do it in a kind of a, I don't know. What was the guy, Lawrence Welk. Hump me, fuck me.

Daddy better make me choke. Hump me, fuck me. My tunnel love is a deep throat. Here to do deep throat and fuck me in the ass is Bobby and Sissy. Take it away, Bobby. These are the lyrics, though. Hump me, fuck me. Daddy better make me choke.

Hump me, fuck me. My tunnel of love is a deep throat. It do, in parentheses. Lick, lick, lick. I want to eat your dick. Boy, I had a nickel every time I heard that. But I can't fuck up my nails, so I had a nickel every time I heard that. But I can't fuck up my nails, so I'm going to pick it up with chopsticks. Can this broad write lyrics?

Mouth wide open, mouth wide open, mouth wide open like I was at the dentist. Mouth wide open, mouth wide open. Put it so deep I can't speak a sentence. I get news for you, but you can't speak a sentence with nothing in your mouth. My fingers in it gentle. Explore the nigga mental. I'm reading lyrics, so I don't want to, you know. I'ma write my

name on his dick. Don't need a pen or a pencil. No, I don't. All I need is my body, my pussy pink just like salami. Thank you for me never having a salami sandwich ever again. Don't need no drink to get naughty. Cause bitch, I'm not Bill Cosby. My pussy mean and it's clean.

I'm not a squirter, I cream. Keep it smelling like baby wipes. Ooh, keep enticing me. I never smell like sardines. Ooh. That's the actual lyric for the background singers. They go, ooh. This will never fucking end, ballerina

that dick when I spin. I fuck the niggas so good I ain't swallow one kid. I think I swallow twins. Fuck me. Ah. Go and put it down my butt. Let's shoot a movie no cuts. Ride the dick and my nipples lick. That's breastfeeding while we fuck. That's T.S. Eliot.

Gonna get the dick wet and firm. You better sweat me out of my perm. You know who said that? Mr. Brady. Remember he got the perm? He said that the Carol. Can't wait till it's my turn. I want to blow bubbles with your sperm. Last time I heard that, I was hanging out with Barney Frank at the I don't know. But

do you guys like those lyrics? I find them absolutely abhorrent. Don't like the N word, but she can use it. And why do you kids grasp onto such music and make people like this? Don't you like nice songs? I mean, take a look at that. Listen to these lyrics. That's nice. Make all your way.

They bring the flowers that bloom in May. So if it's raining, have no regrets. Because it isn't raining rain, you know It's raining violets And we've used the clouds Upon the hills Used the crowds Of daffodils

So keep on looking For the bloomer of Dapper Dish So keep on looking for the blooper and listening for it's all whenever April showers come along

Hello April showers Down my hole. Spoiled milk titties. Right down my throat. All right, kill it. That's the best-dressed lesbian I have seen in years. That's Wayne Newton, everybody.

Love him. He knocked that out of the park. The Stones were on that night. I remember I was watching it. I was Wayne Newton, everybody. Love him. He knocked that out of the park. The Stones were on that night. I remember I was watching it. I was about five years old. And so I'm just saying, there's a little cultural difference. I'm not saying who's a little bit, you know.

Rodgers and Hammerstein versus Cupcake. Is it Rodgers and Hammerstein? Did I get that right, Jace? I don't know. I've been to two plays. I've walked out on both of them. Cupcake with Deep Throat. She's performing at Princeton,

but conservatives can't speak at Princeton because they might offend people and hurt them. Where's my safe space when a fat black broad is thinking about taking it in the ass? What do I do? Hide under my fucking beanbag chair? Though April showers may come your way,

those golden showers I take every day. Let's stay in the race category, shall we? Because we do that up in here. You fat, nasty black nasty black oh take it easy wayne noon's terrific though terrific he's a fag i don't't think so. I really don't. I just think. Well, what do we got here? We're staying on the black-white issues.

Oh, early this morning we received several dispatches asking why KOCO morning news anchor Alex Housden was seen giving a tearful apology to her co-anchor Jason Hackett. And KOCO viewers on this morning's newscast, she was crying as a white lady. And let's check out the video we acquired via the Oglemole Network. Try to ignore the toes. It says it right in the article, which I couldn't. I kept looking at the woman's feet in the picture.

But this blonde ankle woman works with a black guy and says the stupidest thing. And again, I know damn well she doesn't mean it because she's so retarded. She doesn't even know what era she's living in. But how can you be that tone deaf over the times you're living in? But let's take a look at the video.

And check out this cute video that the OKCZoo just posted. Pause. Ugh. video. Pause. Oh, look at those. Look at that foot. Who's watching this? Larry Bird? Look at those. Is that a woman's toes? Oh, where was I? I was at the airport, and this woman had sandals on. This was a couple weeks ago. She had, I don't know what they call it, her big toes at a 45-degree angle going over her other toes on both feet. And what does she do?

She's got, they go, here's her toes. Here's her big toe. It's going right across the other toe. It's banging a left. And, of course, why not put on open-toed shoes? Both feet. You know why? Because Oprah said be proud of yourself, even if you have the feet of a fucking chimp.

Put on sandals at the airport and gross people. I don't get sick easy. I don't gag. I don't have a, you know, I have a strong stomach. I almost ran into the bathroom and coughed up my $12 milk duds. Her fucking toes are pointing, her big toes were facing the wrong way. Why would you do that, lady? You should be wearing ski boots. But sorry, here's the blonde lady saying something dumb and racist.

This is Finn. We're about to show, oh Oh, my goodness. Take a look at him. He's a resident of the Oklahoma City Zoo. And this week, the zoo's ape caretaker took over their Instagram. And we are all loving that they did. And as you can see, Finn was fascinated. Definitely ready to find his close-up. Kind of looks like you. Oh, my God.

Kind of looks like you. Says that to her blank co-anchor. And you blew it! You blew it! How the fuck? Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. So she issued a tearful apology. I want to see how this plays out, you know,

because I think she's that retarded and that tone deaf. But, again, I'm white, so I'm probably taking the white person's side. But I'm guessing the guy's known her for a long time. Just like they said in the article, he probably said, yeah, she didn't. Either that or he sucker punched her off camera. We'll never see that footage. But she was actually crying about it. That's the times we live in.

That's just that systemic racism that runs through all us white people. We can't help it. We see a gorilla and we have to make a black... I mean... For the love of Pete. Anyways, I hope they're still getting along. He's probably tagging her. I don't know.

All I know is every time I had to do local news, things like that, a lot of these when you're a comedian over the years, they bring you to these morning shows where there's no room for comedy whatsoever because they're so PC. It's 6 a.m. They have you at a news station trying to. So I was doing like my third one. I was hated.

And the second question the girl asked me, I ignored her question, and I pointed to the weatherman. I goes, he gay? Which he clearly, and he started belly lapping because he had, he's wearing like an ascot while he's pointing to the map, dressed like Thurston Howell to tell me it's going to fucking rain at 1.30. I go, he's gazing, and he starts belly laughing. She almost turned, you know, fucking white,

and the cameraman would fucking laugh their ass off. And guess what? They said, that's it. Enjoyed it. See Nick at La Jolla Comedy Store in front of six people. Actually, it was packed. I did an album. Hey, let's take a look at my old girlfriend.

She had some lip injections, and I don't know. She had them done. A lot of these women go to get Botox, and they get their asses fattened up and shit. They won't go to professionals. One of my favorite bits of all time in my 30 years of comedy that I wrote was about somebody died going to get her ass fattened up. But she went to a doctor. It wasn't a doctor.

It was some guy from fucking East Europe working out of his apartment in Queens. I had a whole bit about it. You guys should Google it. I go, you know, when you ring your doctor's doorbell and a pit bull runs to the window in a Mets jersey, it's pretty much a sign he's not into, you know. I said, you wake up on his kitchen floor,

and the IV bottle consists of an upside-down Mountain Dew, and there's two illegals laying on a ripped beanbag with tape over their eyes. It's a killer bit, and another one that was ignored. But this girl had some lip injections, and first of all, and I don't mean to be racist here, but, you know, she's a black girl, and I don't know, things went bad. I'm just saying, lips, I've never met a black woman that really needs lip injections.

They have full, beautiful lips. See, I can't even, I have to tiptoe around that. What's that, Rich? You think she's white? Would you like to put some money on that, stupid? What are you basing that on? Well, unless my screen sums up with it, I think she was a white girl trying to be black. That's why

I thought they got lip injections for her. Oh, that's more racist than what I just said. You might be right. Maybe my screen was too dark. You know, I had the filter on. I had the white people's filter on. Let's take a look. You might be right, Rich.

I don't know. Okay, guys. Oh, yeah, she's white. What are you talking about? I just finished jogging right now, right? And everybody's telling me that my lips is going to swell down. Pause. My lips is going to swell down.

I think that's the reason I thought she might have been. Is this real? I almost think this is staged because she's doing, she's speaking real street. And she says something else that it's, go ahead. My lips look the same. I waited a week already and they're still the same. Look at these shits. When I was jogging, some guy came up to me and stopped me.

And he told me that I look like a blow-up doll, that he would put his cock inside of my throat. That was so fucked up and mean. That was was cupcake i don't even know what to do anymore i i almost think this is scripted he said he i look like a blow-up dog he's gonna put his cock down my throat that's too funny to be real and by the way rich not even close to white jesus what kind of TV you got? I mean, she's light-skinned. Those lips are about right.

That way, when your boyfriend punches you, they're already where they at. Oh, that's horrible. Look at those things. She could suck a bowling ball through a... Whatever they said in the 70s. Remember that? That was all the guys. She could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Well, thank you, blah, blah. Whatever they said in the 70s. Remember that? That was all the guys. She could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

Well, thank you, Grampy. That's a good one. Can you write that yourself? You might want to work on your eyelashes, too. Who are you, Bambi? Jesus Christ, look at those spiders. Those will go down in about a light year. Relax. Keep it shut, Rich.

I can tell what's coming out of your mouth isn't even going to be close to funny, okay? Go ahead. Say it anyways. Watch this, ladies and gentlemen. Listen for the humor. Go ahead. I was just going to say, I need to go jogging more because, I mean, obviously, if that's what's running around, I mean, that's hard to find in real life.

Sorry. That's not hard to find. A thousand crickets outside your house every time you crack a joke. Those lips are perfect. She has to hire three Mexicans to put her lipstick on. Fucking wide brushes. Why Mexicans? Okay, white people.

That's wild stuff. Coke drip. Those aren't going. She's had them for a week. Imagine when she gets a cold sore, it'll be the size of Idaho. I can't believe the broad. My God. Let's stay on women's health and women's looks.

Here's a girl after my own heart. A woman uses vaginal juice like perfume, dabbing it on her skin to seduce men. That's what this broad does. Get out of my room, you sick cunt. She's a sexologist, whatever that is. She writes books and shit. And she says, women, instead of using perfume, you should dab your vaginal juices on. I've got to be honest, it's not the craziest thing,

because I used to, you know, when I got out of college, I was hanging out at nightclubs. I used to work out during the day, and I would put my hands on my pants and touch my sweaty balls, and I would dab behind my ear and on my wrist and just watch the broads come a-running. Who didn't do that? Her name's Shan Boodram.

She says, if you look into a tract of mate, you might find that you're already sitting on a reservoir. Ugh. Jesus Christ, the language of the most seductive fragrance available. In her new book, The Game of Desire, she recounts a scientific... Oh, is this considered scientific experiment? You stick your fingers in your snatch and then dab it behind your ears?

Yeah, that's right up there with the polio cure. First of all, does she really need to do that? No guy's going to be attracted to that? You dress like a retarded butterfly with panties? She's good looking. Is that her? In her new book, The Game It Is, she recounts a scientific experiment she did not try to prove that a woman's

she did try to prove that a woman's vaginal secretions are a powerful aphrodisiac. Wow. It depends. Some, you know, after successfully doing so, the woman were told to sneak off to the loo, this is from England, and apply their own vaginal fluid to their pulse points. Next, next, next, plural, because there's three women doing it, chest and wrists,

and return to see if their new friends, meaning the men they were talking to, reacted any differently. It's Shan's theory that copulins, a unique chemical secreted by a structure inside the vaginal. Vaginal. Inside the vagina. I'm getting excited reading this. Called Bartholin's glands. That was the name of a punk band when I was in high school. Can

whoever wrote that? There's like nine spelling mistakes in this fucking article. Can how a powerful subconscious affect our behavior? Whatever. In an excerpt from her book published on Refinery29. What the fuck is that about? Is she a welder? Shan tells

the story of what happened next. I'll show you what happened next. They went back and talked to these guys. These are the guys who were talking to her at the restaurant. Max. Another guy, too, ran outside. Apparently he didn't dig it. Jesus!

Is that a guy? Looks like somebody busted open a fire hydrant on a hot summer day in the city. All right, all right. All right! Shan states that the men she had targeted for the experiment were significantly more tactile after the group had gone to the loo. But she also notes they had a few drinks while they were waiting for the girls to return. And Shan concludes vaginal fluids, especially around ovulation, but really any time you want to feel an extra boost of confidence, can serve as a love potion. And she's very scientific.

To her, I say this. Make me a sandwich. Make me a fucking sandwich. Here's why I'm often asked to confirm or deny the myth that eating an excessive amount of pineapple, she's crazy, will make someone taste better during oral sex. Rich, why are you looking at me? You got a story about that? Fucking blow somebody in Hawaii?

It's true. Listen to her response to this, real scientific. My response is, if you think it makes you taste better, then it absolutely works. So all this scientific talk and shit, her conclusion is that the truth is subjective. If you think it makes you taste better than it is, if you think the girl with the big lips is white,

then she is. Oh, my God. Did we just waste the last eight minutes of our lives on this dumb bitch? Put snatch juice in your face, and the guys will come running. No guys went after her, by the way,

at the nightclub, but 11 cats followed her home. And I'm not talking about lawyers. Kill her, God! Little better! Doop!

My response is, if you think it may taste like pineapple, there's a stick of pineapple in your mouth. Da-da-da-da-da-da! When do I men run the planet? You're a dummy. If you think it may taste like pineapple, there's a stick of pineapple in your mouth. When do I men run the planet? You're a dummy.

Please come to Denver. She said no. Probably get that flag for that. Singing a fucking one of the Loggins brothers tune. I got to quit the smoking, man. I was coughing shit up. I spit. I coughed some shit up sitting on my balcony.

I spit and hit the railing. The railing vibrated for like five minutes. It was like a six-egg omelet. I took a picture but sent it to all my friends. What else we got here? Supporters or protesters among crowds at a straight pride event in Modesto, California. This is how much time we have on our hands in this country. First of all, I already gave you my opinion on straight or gay pride parades. To have a parade because of your sexuality is the most retarded thing ever, okay,

whether you're straight, gay, or whatever. But the guy that organized it, and I'm not going to mention it because I don't know his name's in the article. I'm too lazy to look down. But he's doing it to make a point, just to say, you know, and he made his point. People showed up to protest that someone was having a straight pride parade, and he said, well, you're making my point. It's about free speech.

You want all the free speech, and we can't. And it was a good fucking point. But the fact that people can show up on a nice sunny day and waste their time with it, what does it say about where we are? We have video, Jace? I can't even remember what I sent you. Apathy and not confronting fascists. What is that? Here's a guy.

I'll call him not Britney Spears, Kevin Spears. He looks like Peter Doocy. Look at this fucking thing. Oh, go ahead. When they come out into society, into the public space, into our communities, it makes it unsafe. Into our communities? Do you see how divided we are? I want to get rid of the word communities, too, by the way.

It's more overused than bullying. But everybody has their community now. We're a country of a zillion communities that have nothing in common with each other. It makes it – he's about to, he slash she is about to say, it makes it unsafe when straight people, listen to this idiot. For queer people, people of color. Queer people, people of, what do they have, what does one have to do with the other?

If you're straight and white, you make them unsafe just by being on the planet. That's where we are. Go home and put in some more pigtails there, Kevin. Ay-yi-yi. Will you shut up? Will you? Will you please shut up? Will you shut up?

Shut up! Shut up! And somebody else weighed in, right, Chase? I'm sure this will be important. This is the start of more community together, like more empowerment, more liberation for us more empowerment more liberation for us more new spaces for us new spaces where we can go ahead and vocalize what we've been feeling for so long oh i don't know what she was her voice was deeper than mine i'm sure she was a utility infielder for

the mets like two years ago with spaces where we can finally say what we're feeling. That's all we've been hearing for the last 20 fucking years is how you've been feeling. I'm all, I have empathy fatigue. Compassion fatigue is what it's called. Be my next special. Compassion fatigue. It's a real thing, compassion fatigue. You know where they get that term? Nurses that worked during the World War II

and said they handled so much carnage and shit, they didn't even feel anymore. They couldn't feel for the people they were helping. I have that living in this country for the last 40 years. As Tony Soprano said to Christopher, I wipe my ass with your feelings. It's an actual line from The Sopranos.

I didn't feel good, Tony. I wipe my ass with your feelings. Sounds like my dad. Anyways, the point being, the whole concept of a parade based on your sexuality is retarded. And whatever. We get super chat, Richie? Go ahead, Dick Wood. Let it fly. Reality Nonfiction said, morning, sir. Today is retarded and whatever. We get super chat, Richie? Go ahead, Dick Wood. Let it fly.

Reality Nonfiction said, Morning, sir. Today is my birthday. Cheers. Happy birthday. How are you? Anything I didn't tell us? And then he also sent five bucks in for your Coke fund.

Thank you. Did he say how old he is? No, he did not. Happy birthday, fella. You could have told us. What are you, a big girl? JJK said, Shucky, ducky, Quack, Quack.

Did he really? Did he send money with that ignorant remark? Yes, he did. Good, I'll take it. Can I respond, fuckface? Shucky, Ducky, back to you. How much did he send? Two bucks.

Oh, I'll just give you a Shucky on that. And then Stand Up Global gave five, and five and they said well i think we just lost our appearance on sesame street stand up global that's my fucking manager's company and it sounds like he's making a sarcastic i don't know why what did i do sesame street am i missing a joke hey tommy you took the show down like Rich usually does with that comment. But I'll take the final. That's all I have today. Yeah, thank Christ.

That really slowed down the momentum. Super chat. Great, I made $9 to ruin the show. I'm only kidding, folks. Keep sending it. I'll tell you. Oh, I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

No respect at all. I got up this morning in the nude doing push-ups. Didn't see the mousetrap. My wife's a terrible cook. At our house, we pray after we eat. Well, last summer, the flies chipped in to fix a hole in the screen indoor. Oh, my daughter's very ugly. She married a very ugly guy. In fact, today they got two very ugly kids. They're all so ugly in their family album, they only keep the negatives. I am out of it.

That is it, ladies and gentlemen. That was a fun show back. I had a great time. I don't know what that stand-up global comment was, but it's fucking with my head now. Was the show too edgy? Was that the... Is that... Is that... I had a great time. I don't know what that stand-up global comment was, but it's fucking with my head now. Was the show too edgy? Was that the – is that – what's the point of being on the Internet? And by the way, Twitter, fuck you because you're shadow banning me, fucking assholes.

Somebody give me a reason to get off Twitter, please. By the way, we've added in January we were at 14,000 YouTube subscribers. We're at 74 today. Okay? It's growing like Hillary's ankles on a fucking heavy cream diet. So that is it. We love

you guys. This show drops again at 7 o'clock tonight. If you want to watch it again, and for you people who didn't see it right now, you're not listening to me or you're at work welding or whatever you do. Anything else, Jace? NickDip.com. That's everything? I got everything.

Cameo.com. Folks, I did a few. Cameo.com. If you want me to send you a personal video roasting one of your friends or enemies or somebody you don't like in your family, or I can be nice, say happy bar mitzvah to Saul and whatever. Maybe Cupcake could send her a video, that foul-mouthed young lady. Cameo.com, go to my profile and fill it out.

That is it, ladies and gentlemen. If you like the show and you love it, I know you do, because on the week that we were off this past week, we added I don't know how many subscribers. It's getting exciting, I have to be honest. Had a great time at Helium in Philly. Great club. I want to thank those guys. Played to over 700

people total over the weekend. Want to thank Helium for running a tight ship. And where else was I? Anybody? Anywhere? Before that, you were also in Pennsylvania. Yeah, Newtown.

But I think we talked about that. All right, that is it. Remember, you guys, you think it. I will say it. Jason, please tell me you have something else to play. Really? You had 10 days off? You couldn't fucking give that 30 seconds?

Keywords, days off. Oh, God. You don't get it, do you? Okay. You'll make $500 a week the rest of your life, as far as I'm concerned. He's fucking millennials. I don't even know if he's a millennial. He's fucking 82 years old.

You think it, I'll say it. You're very welcome. But if you want to sign up, go to nickdip.com. And all the instructions for Patreon. It takes two seconds, all right? We'll see you guys tomorrow. Take care of yourselves. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 ¶¶ ¶¶ We'll see you next time.