The Nick DiPaolo Show - Flash Back Monday: Comedy Central | Nick Di Paolo Show #1455a

Episode Date: September 18, 2023

Today we revisit the Comedy Central days from Lounge Lizards (1996) to CC Presents (2002)! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 wow He's got his own show on Nickelodeon called Don't Touch Me There, Daddy. Ladies and gentlemen, Nick DiPaolo. Alright, nice to be here at Liberace's yard sale. This is beautiful. So nice to be here, folks. Vegas makes me want to sing. I'm not gonna. That's where all the money is, though, you know. I don't know if you guys read in the paper, the Gillette Company offered ZZ Top, the rock group, six million bucks to shave their beards on a national

TV commercial. And they turned it down. Hey, folks, for six million bucks, I'd let some guy with a nervous condition shave my ass with a bolo knife. Yeah, give Kath and Hepburn three cups of black coffee. They'd all chase me with a weed whacker for a half hour. Are you kidding? And they're quoting the papers,

money isn't important, it's our health that counts. Anybody believe your health is more important than money? Not in this country. No, no, ladies. I don't see too many beautiful women going, gee, should I sleep with Bill and the Porsche or Dave with low cholesterol? Vegas, great, isn't it, huh?

They give you free booze while you gamble, which is, you know why? Because it messes up your judgment while you're gambling. You know the, I mean, you're playing blackjack and you get eight rum and cokes and you will hit a 19. Last night I was so face, I pumped $300 worth of quarters into a coke machine.

Look, three sevens. No, that's seven up, idiot. Get back in your room. Only people win in they're like ladies in their late hundreds, you know? Jeez. I saw one lady pull the thing on the slot. Her arm broke off the elbow.

There was like a bloody stump stuck on the slot machine. Girls get all excited. Well, you won two bucks worth of laundry money. Relax. I like to smoke in the gym. That pisses people off.

There's always some bodybuilder. Hey, you need a spot? No, I got two on my lungs. Thanks. Go home and have a rice cake. I'm living in L.A. now. People trying to make me rice cakes. Those are delicious.

You like six of those. Next day, you pass a styrofoam beer cooler in the toilet honey get the Budweiser's will ya want to package that stereo equipment what's happening to this country folks crime is out of control. Quick impression, me renting a car in Miami. Hey, what a beautiful state. Now, Florida, the murder capital of the world,

they have the balls to call it the Sunshine State. Only sunshine you see is coming through the bullet hole in your husband's forehead. I actually heard an ad on the radio the other day, travel agency giving away a trip to Miami with a renter car thrown in for nothing. Hey, why don't you just give me Dr. Kevorkian's home phone number? And they said there's no drop-off charge for the car. No, it's not coming back. Miami's an interesting city, isn't it? You get old Jewish people and dead German tourists. Think there's a connection?

Somebody's holding a grudge. He fell down, he banged his head. This vats has got him. We found him like that. We have our priorities mixed up as far as laws go in this country. We're trying to ban smoking in public places, but we're doing nothing about drive-by shootings. And half the people that die in drive-by shootings die why?

Because they stepped outside for a cigarette. Hey, Billy, you got a light? Hey, grab his marbles. He don't need those no more. We're Americans, folks. We're two things. We're lazy and we're violent. We can't even get out of the car to shoot somebody. We have to drive by the house and pick them off the porch. People surprise, we have a gun problem. How do you think we got the country in the first place? In a slap fight? Come on. What do we do? Noogie the Indians for the land? Come on, sit and bowl, give it up. 50 bucks, Rhode Island. Come on, give it up.

Don't burn a hole in your pigtails. I'm living in L.A. now. People are so paranoid about crime in L.A. I couldn't get into my building last week. I get two handfuls of groceries.

The guy won't let me in the front door. He goes, how do I know you're not a killer? Well, the box of Pudding Pops might be a hint. I get milk and eggs. I'm here to rape your wife

and make you an omelet. Women. Women are so paranoid in Los Angeles. I can't blame them, but they are out of their minds about crime. We're becoming so desensitized to violence, we're actually blaming the victims now. I'm watching the news the other night. Some guy got killed by a stray bullet while he was pumping gas

at a gas station. And they interview an eyewitness, and the eyewitness goes, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And where the hell do you go when your tank is on E-Chucky Cheese? Wrong place at the wrong time. How about the guy that shot him, the guy with the Uzi and the fatigues? What's he, Johnny on the spot? We're losing it, man. I was just working in New York last week. Jesus, the city that never sleeps. How come I see people passed out all

over the place? The city's exhausted as far as I'm concerned. Homeless people are taking over. Half of them dress better than I am. They sleep anywhere. How do they do it, folks? I got a $2,000 waterbed at home. I toss and turn all night, you know. These people are like, what's that, a broken Heineken bottle? Yeah, could you put a brick on my head, keep the sun out of my eyes? I give them money, but they're nasty. This guy comes up to me last week.

Hey, can you help me out? I'm starving, man. I'm starving! I'm like, hey, do you see a chef's hat on my head? What am I supposed to do, whip you up a Reuben on the sidewalk, for Christ's sake? He's a pigeon a foot away with a loaf of bread. Go bust his balls, you know?

He's a bird, he's doing better than you are. See the guy the next day? Mental illness is running rampant in every city This lady comes up to my apartment in LA Right in front of my apartment She's got more facial hair than I do She's got one tooth She's like, why did he leave me? Why do I have to leave me?

Oh, I don't know, Smiley You were hogging the dental? oh I don't know Smiley you a hog in the dental floss? I don't know I'm guessing your husband needed some time to himself you know I've known you for two seconds I could use a vacation

God I have no more compassion for these people a guy comes up to me today hey can you help a hungry man out? I said yeah I'm getting a slice of pizza don't follow me God, I have no more compassion for these people. A guy comes up to me today, hey, can you help a hungry man out? I said, yeah, I'm getting a slice of pizza. Don't follow me. I can't get a job. Put on a shirt.

Here's a tip. I need a vacation. I just took one. I went to Cancun. Who's been to Cancun? Anybody? You have fun? I made a big mistake while I was down there.

I loaded up on jalapeno dip and chili. Wash it down with a gallon of Mexican water. Yeah, before I went parasailing. Oh, umbrella rentals were up at the beach that day. Hey, honey, what kind of birds are these? They didn't tell us about this on the brochure. What is that, a scut missile? Nobody told me Cancun was located a quarter mile from the sun.

First day on the beach, I don't need that sunblock. I'm no baby. Give me the butter. Two minutes later, my friend's like, you smell pork burning? I knew I bought the wrong sunblock, and the bottle had a picture of a black guy putting two white guys out with a fire extinguisher. I need a dental charge to find my shorts.

There, there. I was hanging out at the pool at the hotel in Cancun. There was a group of girls there from Europe. I could tell they were from Europe because none of them had their bikini line shaved. It's not a pretty look, is it? This one lady looked like she had buckwheat in a scissors lock. You know, it's amazing. Try some weed eater. What do you say? She got a tarantula in your shorts here. She put on a pair of nylons. She looked like Fidel Castro robbing a bank. There's actually some people taking the jokes literally. Oh, that's mean.

Ooh, ah, ooh. These are the people that sit home and watch The Wizard of Oz. That's bulls**t. Monkeys don't fly. It's just a joke. Try to pretend. Bugs. There was a bunch of cute girls hanging out at the pool at Cancun.

Just like a, you know, like a hero. I went out and ran and did like a one and a half into six inches of water. Drove my skull into my neck. I looked like Ed Sullivan getting out of the low end. I'll have my spine fused. Have a great share. Stayed in a nice hotel in Cancun. It was actually too fancy. Ever stay in a hotel that's too fancy

they actually leave chocolate on your pillow before you go to bed who started this I think four out of five dentists recommend a Zagnut bar before you hit the sack I sleep real well five pounds of sugar

run into my bloodstream why don't you just leave me a vial of crack and a pot of black coffee on the pillow it's four in the morning I'm so wound up I'm doing grout work in the bathroom you know Why don't you just leave me a vial of crack and a pot of black coffee on the pillow? It's four in the morning. I'm so wound up. I'm doing grout work in the bathroom, you know? If you want to make my stay more pleasant at a hotel, why don't you start by removing that jet engine from the air conditioner?

You ever try to sleep in a hotel with the air conditioner on high say wake up the next morning it's two degrees in your room you got Walt Disney laying next to you who's gonna have sex tonight anybody one guy in the back by himself yeah with a bad cowboy hat. Sex in the 90s. You know what the problem is?

It's contraceptives. Who's doing the research and development on contraceptives? Is the condom the best thing they can do for a guy today? Guys, can you feel anything with a condom on? You could slam the tip of my dick in a car door. I wouldn't even blink if I had a condom on. It's the same material they make bulletproof vests out of. John F. Kennedy had a rubber in his head in Dallas.

He'd still be alive today. See him in a limousine with a reservoir tip blowing in the wind. Seem in the limousine with a reservoir tip blowing in the wind. I'm the finest piece of ass in these United States. I have a rubber on my head. I have a French tecla. The diaphragm, these are all spontaneous device. You're about to have sex.

She has to get up, get like 12 tubes of epoxy, 400 Popsicle sticks. Comes out of the bathroom four hours later, she's made a ship in a bottle. I'm Catholic, according to my religion, masturbation is as serious a sin as murdering somebody. Hey, if that's true, say hello to the new Hitler. Took him five years to commit that many sins. Took me two episodes of Baywatch. That's a good show. That doesn't exploit women. I watch it for the plot, don't you guys? It's like a five-minute cleanup after the show.

Honey, get the Windex. The news is coming on quick. Yeah, I'm the only one that masturbates. I know, folks. Yeah, go on. Okay. I got one woman to admit she masturbated, this older woman. I asked her what she used.

She told me she used a Crest toothpaste tube. See what these guys are competing against? Not only do we have to fight plaque as well. I mean, geez. It's getting pretty difficult. Guys are jealous of women sexually, I think. Women have that superior endurance in bed. What's the biggest difference sexually?

It's the energy levels. After sex, girls get all energetic. My girlfriend wants to cook stuff. She's got a cake in the oven. She's raking leaves. She's putting gutters on the house. Meanwhile, I'm at the hospital. My blood pressure is 3 over 1.

I'm on life support systems. The doctor's like, three times? That means irreversible brain damage for the poor bastard. Guys have no energy after sex, do they? After I have sex, my legs are like a newborn calf, you know? I'm in the kitchen, my underwear, trying to make a sandwich I look out the window, she's putting in a built-in pool Honey, what did I shoot into you, crack? Sit down, for Christ's sake

We'll have sex tomorrow night and clean the garage After I get laid, I need a walker. You go into work on Monday morning, everybody knows how your weekend went. Hey, look, Nick got lucky. No, I didn't. I had a stroke. Same thing.

Where's the wife? She's doing an ice sculpture. I don't know what else. Everybody's a victim. You know my favorite victim? This is what's wrong with this country in a nutshell today. You hear about this lady suing the movie theater? She's 5'4", 380 pounds, and she's suing a movie theater

because the seats are too small. I don't think that's the problem. The problem is your ass is a fire hazard. Imagine you couldn't get out of a burning theater because the ushers couldn't free Willie from the emergency exit. You're trying to get out and she's like Yeah, there's peanuts in the lobby. Hurry it up!

Not to pick on heavy people, but 9 out of 10 asses fit in the seats at the movies. So don't change your law for one donut monster. It's a democracy, remember? is fitting the seats at the movies. So don't change your law for one donut monster. It's a democracy, remember? She wants to bring her own chair to the movie theater.

That's what the lawsuit's about. Let her bring a couch, a bed. Who gives a crap? It's not bad enough I can't see the screen because some guy's wearing a hat in front of me. Now I can't see it because Mama Cass's Kraftmatic is stuck in the upright position. A little irritating. is stuck in the upright position. A little irritating.

Go home, buy an order, track and rent a movie. Kill two birds with one stone. And she's going to win the lawsuit because she's covered in something called the Disability Act. Only in this country are obese people considered disabled. Which is a crock of crap. If you're missing an arm or a leg, you're disabled. If you're missing a cheesecake, you're full. You don't get special parking at the mall because you had too much pizza. Sorry. Where should we park, buddy? Right by the food court.

It's one thing to lose a leg diving a live hand grenade in Vietnam. It's another thing to lose a leg diving a live hand grenade in Vietnam. It's another thing to lose a leg diving a live lobster at a clam bake. See the difference? But she's going to win. She's going to win the lawsuit. It's just scary, man. Everybody's becoming so stupid. I went in to get a sandwich today at this coffee shop. How long should that take? Five minutes? How come I always get that trainee who comes out from the back room with a plunger in

his hand? Oh yeah, the toilets are done. What next, boss? The manager goes, make that guy a sandwich. Kid looked at me, can I help you? I said, yeah, you can start by boiling your hands. I really don't care for the rhinovirus in my tuna. I'm kind of a fussy guy. This kid goes to me, what do you want? I said, I'll have a tuna fish sandwich. This is what he asked me. He goes, would you like mayonnaise mixed in with that tuna?

I know, that'd make the sandwich much too moist and delicious. Do you have any road salt, the broken glass you could throw in there? Then the kid says to me, is this for here or to go? I look around, there's no tables and chairs in the place. Well, I'll just lay on the floor and eat it, Sparky, thanks. And there's a kid in there next to me playing rap music and I'm blasting it. I was listening to some this afternoon, not that I had a choice, it was coming out of a Jeep four miles away. Now, could you turn that crap up?

I still have one eye socket left. I like rap. I don't care for that scratching rap. You know that scratching they do with a turntable? Sounds like a fat woman walking in corduroys. Please welcome MC Chafe. They call that an art form, scratching. Remember the old days?

You're at a party, you bumped into the turntable, you're now your musical genius. Thanks a lot, you guys, it's been a lot of fun. Have a nice night. Thank you very much. Thank you. Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, Kjell Andersen, guitar solo We'll see you next time.