The Nick DiPaolo Show - Georgia on GOP's Mind | Nick Di Paolo Show #444

Episode Date: November 12, 2020

Georgia to recount all five million votes. Biden lied about victory declaration. Newsom unveils fascistic Thanksgiving "guidelines."

I want to get something off my chest that's very important to me right now, okay? Very important to me. So many of you people have sent me emails, messages on social media asking me to come to perform in your town, which I'd love to do. I've been getting these from everywhere. I'm talking everywhere. New York, Florida, Oregon, Vermont, whatever, Montana. People all over.

Not only that, Alaska. And people in countries like Canada and Australia and the UK. And I can't tell you how much that means to me. You know, I'm an international star, apparently. Stand up has always been my bread and butter. You know that. So not being able to tour during this pandemic, knowing it's a fucking has been brutal. Ask my wife. She's getting out of the shelter this week. It's been brutal. I had so much new material going into March, which makes

it even that much tougher. I wish I could come to all of your towns and countries, but I can't. My jet's not working, especially now that they're shutting everything down due to COVID. Anyways, on Saturday, November 21st, write it down. Saturday, November 21st. I've got a show at the Plaza Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. The audience size will be limited to about 250 people, live people there. But I'm also going to be bringing in a full crew to do a three camera shoot of this show and we will live stream it so you people who don't get to see me are going to get to see me doing what i do best

we'll be micing the audience and doing uh we're going to do it all in one live take so it's going to be really fun i can't wait to do this i want it might be the new way we have comics live now i don't know i want all of you, no matter where you are, to be able to watch and have a live stand-up comedy experience. Watching stand-up live, it's like rock and roll. It's the only way to do it, really. It's best live, especially me, because I have no fucking idea when I go out to do what I'm going to do that night. I kind of. I have an outline, but you don't know. I could punch a waiter on the back of the head if he interrupts me. This will be streaming on the Watch Live Now network.

And tickets just went on sale. WatchLiveNow.com. That's WatchLiveNow.com. You can watch on your home TV or any other device through Roku, Apple TV, Amazon Fire, or Android TV. And I just found out today that even if you can't watch it live, if you still get the stream, it's available to you for another week. So, you know, if you're wherever,

you're not going to get up to watch me at four in the morning. You're going to have it for a week, which is excellent. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this. I've played this room before. It's excellent. People, let's say in Ireland who have never been to Vegas can see what an actual showroom looks like. I'm looking forward to this. I really hope you all be there for the live stream. Again, you can get tickets at watchlivenow.com and I'll add this to my website also at nickdip.com please make plans to join me live from vegas on saturday november 21st i cannot friggin wait guitar solo All righty, how are you folks? Welcome to the Big Ass Show.

All right, Jason, hail the dad. Beautiful, beautiful on a, what is it? Thursday, that's the last day of the week for me. Thursday. That's the last day of the week for me. And I gots to tell you, next weekend, please, please spread the word to your friends. Just say, look, this guy is going to fucking rip the left a new asshole. You never know what's coming out of his mouth, especially when he's on stage with two scotches in him. It'll be really fun. November 21st. Write it down. November 21st.

From the Plaza Casino in Vegas. November 21st, a Saturday night. I'll be doing stand-up live. I'm streaming it out to people who haven't got to see me live, if I haven't come to your town or country yet. So please, please circle that date.

It means a lot to me. Mm-hmm. And you watch it at WatchLiveNow.com. WatchLiveNow.com. WatchLiveNow.com. That's WatchLiveNow.com. Call now. But wait, we'll throw in a potato glove peeler.

Anyway, the potato glove peeler. anyway the potato glove beer yeah sure that's faggot stuff i don't know i saw it by its name that's strictly for fags suck it i want all of you to enjoy your cake so enjoy bye bail i'm a joe living on a pension there's not a statue uh big recount where oh in georgia i have a fantasy folks that see i moved down here about 18 months ago it's going to come down to one vote and trump wins and it could have been me you know it's like when a bunch of cops, when they put a guy against the wall, what do they call a firing squad? One of the guns is empty. That way you don't know if you were the one that killed the guy or not. Did you know they did that? Same thing.

Let's say he won by one vote. I know that's not going to happen, but everybody can think that, you know, hey, that was my vote. But I'll go, I fucking moved here. I tipped the scales. Look, even on the map, it's pink and not red. What a bunch of shit, by the way. You guys understand what a farce this is?

Do you know Trump got 10 million more votes than he did in 2016? And we picked up eight to 10 seats in the House and they're saying that Georgia may have gone blue. That's just, none of it fits. None of it makes any sense. I hate these cheating motherfuckers. Anyways, with only about 14,000 votes separating President-elect Joe Biden

and Donald Trump in Battleground, Georgia, the state is heading into a recount of presidential votes. Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger. There he is. Geez, he looks like Steve Carell doing a character, doesn't he? This guy, by the way, Perdue and what's her name, Loeffler, those are the two people on the Republican side whose seats are up. They're asking for him to resign because he fucked this up and I don't blame

them. There's no way this state is not fucking red. But anyways, Rafson Berger, who was a Republican said Wednesday, the state will recount presidential election results in each County by hand to, uh,

to close the margin. So that's kind of, why don't we do that in the first place? I don't know. All righty then. Probably takes a long time. On Wednesday, Biden was up less than 0.3%. That's a red pubic hair of the nearly 5 million votes cast in Georgia. Georgia law requires an auditing process be conducted before the state certifies results.

A risk-limiting audit, they call it, includes the checking of a random sample of ballots by hand to compare against machine tabulation to ensure accurate results. Raff Spenberger said Wednesday he would choose to audit the presidential race. But because the margin is so fucking slim between Biden and Trump, a random sample of ballots would not be sufficient. I understand what he's saying here. To measure, and a full hand recount is triggered. He kind of explains it.

A recount is provided for in Georgia law, but it's not required. If the trailing candidate comes within 0.5 margin of the leading candidate and Biden leads by 0.3, then they do a hand fucking thing, a hand job. I swear to you, Mark, eat that behind my back. In a hand job recount, instead of scanners reading and tallying the votes on each ballot,

scanners will be used only to count the number of ballots, not how people checked off. Election workers, they're going to, by hand, sort ballots into piles for each candidate. And the machines will count those piles. Could there be any more fucked up? I know a thing or two about a thing or two. We wonder why, like Afghanistan and other countries can't get it right. I mean, we created this shit. We can't get it right.

Is Georgia recounting all five million ballots, people are asking. And the answer to that is, si, senor. Cinco million. While a risk-limiting audit would be conducted on a sample of votes the hand recount will include each legally cast ballot rafson sperger said a sample of ballots would not be a reliable way to audit the results he said because of how uh tight the race is when

you have five million votes and the margin is so close, 14,000, if we pull, let's say, 10,000 votes, all of a sudden it could say, well, this is the person that won. But if we pull 100,000, it's going to say, well, this person won. If we pull out a million, they'll say, well, this person won. It's not an accurate way to do it, to do sampling. So that's why they're going to do it hand, you know, with each ballot. And that's why mathematically you have to do a full hand job, I call it, and recount all because the margin is so slim. So he gets that, but it shouldn't be, is the point, Raphson Cheese. You are correct, sir.

Do you believe it? The fucking state I moved to? It's why I moved down here. I knew it was going to be razor thin and I was hoping to put them over. I actually wore a shirt that a Georgia peanut farmer might wear. Excuse me. So very interesting, huh? Very. Do you believe it, very i do you believe it guys do you believe georgia i can't think of a redder thing other than this little patch on my taint i don't know what it's from i think it's the bike seat jason the air is on right can you you shut it off well i just asked you is the air on? You said no.

Put it on. Why'd you shut it off? Well, that's different than being off. Anyways, lower it to like 73, please. And leave it on. I'm sweating like Joe Biden in a memory test. Ah, that feels good. Responding to whether the Trump campaign

could ask for another recount if Trump is still trailing, get this, Raffensperger said he believes that the Trump campaign could request if the margin was still within 0.5%. Another recount would be scanned rather than counted by hand,

which I don't get. So you're going back to the thing. Does that make sense, Jace? Or am I not reading this right? Why would you go back to the thing you're skipping over to count by hand? My sister's ass, my sister's ass. I don't get it. I don't get it. Boy, are the Dems in the media trying to ram through fucking Joe Biden as president. It is hilarious. They had like, I just read any article about it. And you can circle unverified claims by the unsubstantiated.

No evidence. They're all reading off the same talking points. Trump tweeted yesterday, we're going to win. Is there any reason to doubt this motherfucker? I don't think he's been wrong when he says shit like that ever. But they're just hammering it home. And this is from Bloomberg.

I just pulled this from Bloomberg. You remember Bloomberg? His favorite memory was playing Peter Pan. He's flying over the audience. Remember he pretended to be a Republican? And then you remember when he ran and spent a zillion dollars and was out of it in three

seconds. You remember him calling, there was an ad where he called Donald Trump a fraud and all that shit. So I'm supposed to read an article from Bloomberg about how tight the election is? This is the article I just put. It's just a paragraph.

But I wanted you guys get a sample of the horseshit they're putting out there for perhaps the first time in American history. A coordinated effort to taint or even overturn presidential election may be underway. What exactly leads you to believe the Soviets were involved? Yeah, that's my question. What do you mean the first time it's obtained and somebody's trying to, what do you guys already forget about? I can see why you put it out of your mind, Russiagate, because it went so horribly for you. So what the fuck are you talking about? With no evidence of wrongdoing, the Republican party, with no evidence of wrongdoing. No evidence.

We got fucking postal workers who signed affidavits. We got cameras on people. Tucker Carlson listed like 14, just 14 out of the thousands who voted dead. Dead people. He put their names up and shit. What are you talking about, no evidence? Do not fall for this, folks. I'm not saying Trump's going to win. I'm just saying it's so obvious they're trying to fuck us in the ass with no lube.

And you all know, well, I don't. With no evidence of wrongdoing, the Republican Party and Trump administration officials, such as General Service Administration Chief Emily Murphy and Attorney General William Barr, officials such as General Service Administration Chief Emily Murphy and Attorney General William Barr have refused to acknowledge President Donald Trump's defeat or cooperate with President-elect Joseph Biden. Oh, it's Joseph Biden, not like Joseph Stalin. Your mother's box. Oh, President-elect Joseph Biden's transition team. Instead, they are moving forward on multiple fronts to sow doubt about the validity. Do you believe how over the top this is about the validity of mail-in ballots and the motives of election officials in

states where Trump lost or is losing? And I say to Bloomberg, you need to shut the fuck up. I got no evidence that they're putting a case together. You wouldn't know how that works. You guys used COVID as a pretext to have everybody stay away from the fucking polls and mail this shit in because you know there's a history of mail-in ballots being susceptible to fraud. It's exactly what you did.

You're not fooling anybody. And let me tell you something, Joe biden you're not my fucking president even if you win you stole it fuck you trump won it trump won it legitimately in 2016 and they were saying he's not my president because they didn't like him i don't like biden and we have evidence you fucking stole it on tuesday secretary of state michael pompeo said there will be a smooth trade do we show this yeah a smooth transition to the second trump administration it was unclear if he was joking david robella said no sense of humor whatsoever just humorless that's what fucking liberalism brings. If I could, I'd grab this microphone. I'd beat your brains out with it because that's what you

deserve. That's what you deserve. I love Pompeo for saying that. And I think he believes it. He might know more than we do, folks. That's all I'm saying. Imagine, why does it come down to Georgia? Does Trump need all of them? I mean, I heard he's probably not going to get arizona but i do the math but it takes too long just seems to me if you get four out of the five that are left that he would fucking pass jerk off right because as you add to his total you take away from by dance but you know yeah i think it's he needs two of the three either of out of arizona pennsylvania and georgia he needs two of the three now you just make it up jay so he's not going to get arizona let's say so pennsylvania and georgia 26 total george is only 6 16 i'm sorry 36 there you go cheese dick i was an english major

yeah i know guy can really spin a phrase i'll be honest with you anyways uh yeah that's how over the top the shit is on on bloomberg with no evidence whatsoever fucking what are you talking about hey is that trucker strike happening was that this week was it it on this thursday today or was it next week i'm not sure no november 29th my brother's birthday so let's see what happens there uh how interesting though and i'll say it You know, if Trump ends up winning this thing, folks, board up your windows, even in fucking residential areas.

These people are going to go shit house because the mainstream media has already fucking sworn in dick cheese. You know, here's why he's such a fucking hypocrite. You're going to love this. Biden, back in September, one of the first debates

said that he wouldn't declare victory. During the first 2020 presidential debate, former Vice President Biden pledged that he would not declare victory in the election before results were independently certified. No, Sante saying this independent. I'm going to take his fucking word for it.

Yeah, this, you know, he made that. Let's take a look at jerk off. I mean, Biden, final question for you. Will you urge your supporters to stay calm while the vote is counted? And will you pledge not to declare victory until the election is independently certified? Yes. And here's the deal. We count the ballots. As you pointed out, some of these ballots in some states can't even be opened until Election Day. And if there's thousands of ballots going to take time to do it.

And by the way, he's letting you know, he lets us know that they already had a plan. Just listen to his. Go ahead. Our military, they've been voting by ballots for a sense at the end of the Civil War in effect. And that's and that's what's happened. Going to happen. He remembers that because he actually counted them back then. What are we doing?

What's going on right now? He's a. I'm going to tell you, you lying cocksucker! But he delivered a public victory speech Saturday night claiming a clear victory amid a flurry of long-shot lawsuits. Oh, they're long-shot lawsuits. You can't find, again, an unbiased article anywhere. Brought on by the Trump campaign and before the General Services Administration officially ascertained the election results, which it still had not done as of Thursday evening.

So, Joe, you just you fucking lie every four years. You fucking hypocrite. What's he holding up there as a bowling score? Look, bingo. G7. Both Biden's transition team and federal elections officials

have called on the GSA to issue its ascertainment, a step that would smooth communications, but okay, we'll just do it because you're asking and get it over with. Even though Trump has, you know, legally has till December something, which would smooth communications between the Trump administration officials and Biden's team. Yeah, let's make it easy for the Dems, the transition, you know,

like they did for Trump, Obama and Biden, You know, just spy on them and shit. That's what it's going to take, Republicans. You got to play dirty. You got to fight fire with fire. Nick, we don't want to get down on it. Yeah, you do. You're going to have to. Look at somebody jizzed in his eye.

And Biden's team formally began the transition process and unlock millions in federal funding. Nevertheless, Trump has remained defiant, declining to concede the election and declaring on Twitter yesterday evening, we will win, he said. I am your voice. I watched The Green Mile last night because I was just bored out of my tits.

You want to see a movie that sucks black ass like Hollywood? You want to see pandering to black? It was the stupidest fucking film I have ever seen. It was so stupid I had to watch it all the way through until about four minutes left and I went, I have never seen anything like it. Black man. Good white man.

Bad. Oh my God. I know you guys have seen it. Tom Hanks. You should be fucking embarrassed. God help me. Green mile, fucking black mile,

fucking anyways, Trump says we're going to win. So I believe, um, so Biden's got a, you know, he's got his own COVID team now, right? I think he's got his son Hunter on it. He knows a lot about fucking high blood pressure and shitting his pants and grinding his teeth

and tick-a-fong-ing. One of President-elect Joe Biden's coronavirus advisors floated the idea, listen to this, of a nationwide coronavirus lockdown in an effort to rein in the illness and rejuvenate the economy. As you know, because that's what it did, right? When we shut down, the economy took off. Are you sucking my asshole? Are you fucking dicking me? A lockdown.

This guy's floating it. How to listen to science. We all know it's the worst thing you can do for a number of reasons. Just COVID alone. It spreads in enclosed places. We all know you should be outside. Secondly, you lock people in their houses, they get depressed.

Kids don't go to school, they don't have friends. Kids get beat up by their fucking drunken parents. Parents fight with each other. It's, this is all documented, but let's do a, do you understand, do you understand they want to keep us separated? This is literally dividing. Stay in your house, stay in your house.

We got it. Just fucking listen to what we have to say is literally dividing. Stay in your house. Stay in your house. We got it. Just fucking listen to what we have to say. An effort to rein in the illness and rejuvenate the economy as new cases climb once again. You're a crumb creep. When they tell you new cases climb, it's like telling us, oh, look, these people got a common cold. Unless, again, unless you're very sickly, obese, or old. It's literally telling you, look, look at these people got a common cold. Unless again, unless you're very sickly, obese or old, it's literally telling you, look, he got the flu. It's that dangerous. Michael Osterholm, this is the guy who Biden's listening to. They said, how big was the lie

did you tell in that picture? A University of Minnesota expert on infectious diseases said in an interview with Yahoo Finance. What? Finance that a four to six week lockdown could both control the virus spread and benefit the economy. What?

What are you talking about? He said we could pay for a package right now to cover all the wages. Yeah, let's do that. pay for a package right now to cover all the wages. Yeah, let's do that. Let's fucking raise the debt to cover all the wages for individual writers. I mean, workers. My eyes are getting blurry. Do you see what this is, folks?

This is they're giving you a taste of socialism. They want you all on the dole. That's what this is. It's a dry run. I'm telling you. on the dole. That's what this is. It's a dry run, I'm telling you. He told the outlet, noting low interest rates, he added that federal borrowing could bail out small and medium-sized companies, cities, states, and county governments. By the way, when they say, that money's yours, you guys understand that, right? When they take, you know, when they take money from the government,

it's your taxes. Some people don't even know that, especially this Jackoff. Well, he cites New Zealand and Australia. They locked up. Yes, they have 11 people each. I can't take this fucking shit. Though April showers may come your way, they bring the flowers that bloom in May. So if it's raining, I have no regrets because it isn't raining rain. You know it's raining violets.

What a faggy song. he argued the method will protect the economy until vaccines under development are ready for release guy was wrong on every fucking thing anyhow, they're trying to blame Trump now because he hasn't conceded. So Biden can't get his vaccine out there, his plan. And there was a guy on Tucker last night talking about how people, right after it was announced the next day, they sold their stock.

I mean, fucking doctor, it's creepy what's going on. You know how it works in this country. In other words, fuck the people's health, let's make money. But this jack off said a vaccine could be widely available next year, but not before the risk of pandemic fatigue sets in and people slack off on the adherence to Corona virus health guidelines. Well, we're already there, Doc. I don't know where you've been. Why don't you check out a bar in Florida for Christ's sake?

Kids are on each other's shoulders doing jello shots off their tits. And you know what? They're fine. Oh, Diane got a fever after blowing Billy behind the dumpster. They're fucking applebees. They want a fucking lockdown again. Wait till I get to what California's doing. I didn't even talk about Cuomo, what he's trying to do.

Because Gavin Newsom, as we say, is a shape fucking shifter, a lizard. But anyways, Dick Weed here says, when we were at 32,000 cases a day in the United States, people thought maybe things were going to start to go away. He told Minnesota Public Radio Monday, as you saw, we're now at 125,000 cases per day. We're seeing hospitals right now completely overwhelmed in a number of states. I kill you.

I kill you right now. Kill me. I'm right here. Kill me. Okay, I come with two chopsticks. I shove up your ass. Two chopsticks? Come over here.

Talk to me in the face. Look at some booty. Look at some booty. Hospitals being overwhelmed. We heard that last time, remember? We heard that last time in Houston they were being overwhelmed and when somebody did some digging into it,

they were at about 30, they were only at about 30 to 40% capacity. Again, don't believe the horseshit, folks. And really, do you run to the hospital? If you test positive unless you can't breathe and again that's not happening to anybody under 170 years old go ahead Joe

mandatory go ahead they want to kill the economy do you understand that they want these businesses never to come back and you know why So they can support you. The government will support you. This is a dry run, folks. I really believe that. Cocaine. I tell you something. As you keep hearing from me next Saturday night, I'll be live streaming my standup show from the Plaza Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. I can't believe it's fucking here already. No matter where you are, you can watch the show

live. And because it's a professional shoot with a live audience in the showroom, it's as close as you're going to get to actually being there. So a lot of people haven't seen me who want to see me. And I'm going to stress, it's not a special. It's just picture me on a Wednesday night going to work, which is way better than, because I'll just, you know, Vegas puts me in a bad mood anyway. So I usually have great shows in Vegas. Place depresses me. Fucking human flotsam. That looks like me going with Tony Robbins. Fucking. What the fuck? If you haven't already gotten your ticket to watch this stream, go now to watchlivenow.com.

That's watchlivenow.com. You can watch on your computer from your home TV, Roku, Apple TV, Amazon, Fire TV, even Android TV. Again, that's watchlivenow..com and i really hope you guys are gonna be watching it'll be fucking fun this might be the future for us comics i don't know you know i mean at least if biden gets in he's gonna shut everything down a little sports news though we got uh alex corbett i fucking love it i love it and uh

i love the new york post because they hate the red socks so much it says red socks hire another cheater and they weren't even talking about cora they brought back another coach that they had fired a couple years ago. Remember, they said the Sox are trying to steal signs with their Apple watches. Well, apparently this guy was the, and they brought him back. I got no problem with it.

I mean, I get problem with cheating, but you know, come on. It's Alex Cora, Hispanic. They've known to, Nick, what does that mean? Well, I'm just saying. You saw the World Series. Every time somebody stole a base, right? You get free tacos.

I know he's not Mexican. Relax, folks. I like to bunch them together. It pisses people off. I used to do that at the comedy cellar. Dominican. What are you, Dominican? The guy's like, no, I'm Colombian.

Yeah, big fucking difference. Better coke. Shut it. Anyways, the California Department of Pubic Health, that's public, latest guidance for private gatherings. You guys, do you believe it? And people in California will probably fall for this. Imply the state is now the head of your household.

This is what we're talking about. Do you understand? This is what we're talking about. Do you understand? This is what conservatives hate. And I never understood why people were liberal. You want government up your ass. Liberals used to be the ones that said, no, you can't have government in your bedroom. That's not of any, remember now you guys want to hold their fucking hands wherever you go. It reminds me of like being in high school and and a guy's gonna have a party and he has a choice his parents go do you want us to leave when you have it or you want us to watch yeah you should watch over us that's the same mentality of faggots here are

some mandatory highlights for california this is about thanksgiving by the way this is about Thanksgiving, by the way. This is about Thanksgiving rules. And I'm not making this shit up. I am not making this up. All gatherings must be held outside. I'll say that again. All gatherings must be held outside. Don't say a fucking word to me i'll get up and i'll bury this telephone in your head crammy just tripped over the fucking snowblower in the in the garage bringing the stuffing out to the table broke her hip do you understand this place is in california they listed two towns you know three years ago it was 90 something degrees in wherever california la but it was 90-something degrees in wherever, California, L.A., but it was like 30-something in another town way up north. But you people in Michigan and Massachusetts, enjoy your fucking— Hey, Ma, the turkey's kind of cold.

Not my fucking fault. Call the governor. Gatherings—there he is, the fucking shape shifter look at him he's giving me the chills i told you my theory on him he passes this shit just to see how far he can get remember he said you're supposed to have a mask on while you're eating and pull it down between bites i'm telling you when he did, he ran home and had some girl, not even his wife, licking his nuts going, watch what, watch, watch how I'm fucking with these people. Gatherings that include more than three households are prohibited. How do you enforce this shit? I dare you.

I dare you to try to go into somebody's house. As much as possible, any food or beverages at outdoor gatherings must be, listen to this, I can't, in a single serve disposable containers. That'll make a nice presentation, huh? Your mother fucking cooked a 20 pound turkey. She has to chop it up and put it in Burger King styrofoam. Whatever, paper fucking. If providing a single serve containers is not possible,

do you guys believe this? Food and beverages must be served by a person who washes or sanitizes their hands frequently. And how are you guys going to enforce this? What do you, huh? Should be doing that at fast food places. You got felons working by an account who don't wash their hands after taking a dump and make my filet of fish.

So yeah, you got to make sure whoever's doing that washes their hands frequently and wears a face covering. The balls on this guy. You smug cocksucker. Fuck you. This is hilarious if it wasn't so sad.

And here are some recommendations and concessions. Attendees may go inside to use restrooms. Oh, is that what we call bathrooms now? You see how the mindset, it's like everything is so, restrooms, they mean the bathroom. As long as the restrooms are frequently sanitized. Really? How about if I walk in and pull down my pants? And then kick it into the living room and have the lady who's serving the stuff

and pick it up with her bare hands. You fucking jack off. He's putting the shit out there because he knows he knows he can't enforce it. Right. So this is his way of just letting you guys know what you should be doing. I really believe. his way of just letting you guys know what you should be doing. I really believe. Un-fucking.

No more than... Gatherings, look at this, should be two hours or less. And you can't have more than three fucking... Two hours or less? Two hours or less?

That's not even the first half of the Lions game. Your grandmother's trying to eat. Hurry up. We got 10 minutes, Grammy. You should fucking false teeth during the gravy. That's your husband in the car. Thinks fucking jerk off on his way. Listen to this, folks folks the host should collect names of all attendees and contact information in case uh contact tracing is needed later yeah they want to make a journal about your relatives and friends i can't even um i seriously i i can't even fucking. No more than three households. If you and your two siblings visit your folks for Thanksgiving, it's illegal.

If you invite over your parents, in-laws and an international student, it's illegal. If you celebrate Friendsgiving with three other singles, it's illegal. with three other singles, it's illegal. How are you going to enforce that in Los Angeles or California where there's about 80% Mexican and there's 38 kids to a household? Good luck with that, Jackoff. Don't you move, you motherfucker. I'll blow your brains out. Put down a turkey.

Listen to this. If your entire extended family self-quarantines before visiting elderly grandparents to safely soothe their loneliness, that's illegal. If you invite someone who's depressed and lonely, but have already invited two other families, that is illegal. Single serving turkeys, please. and if you absolutely insist on stuffing and mashed potatoes and sweet potato casserole and ham and green beans have them served by someone who's equipped with a mask and frequent hand sanitized in fact just try to make your party feel like a soup kitchen not a family celebration i think the guy's getting wise now that wrote that the list of absurdities goes on

uh he's it says if you fly across the, try to spend fewer than two hours with relatives you almost never see. He's being sarcastic. But do you believe this? Do you believe? You know? That's what it is. It's government in your lives. They tell you what kind of toilet you're going to buy.

This is what kills me. Let's say Biden gets in and they're going to actually believe in this new green deal. Remember, they're going to retrofit every building in the United States and house and shit. People from the government come out and knock on your door and tell you, you have to retrofit your house or make it solar. Seriously, that's what they're planning. This is the most interesting time ever. I'm so glad I was on the right interesting time ever. I'm so glad I was on the right my whole life. My friends, they must feel like douchebags.

All of them. Not all of them. You know, the showbiz ones who just blindly. I used to sit at the comedy cell at tables going like this. One of the big problems lately, and I noticed this before I even read it in the paper, I would say to my wife, I go, what the fuck's going on with Fox News? I'm seeing too much Donna Brazile. The minute she showed up, I knew things were going left. Remember her?

She's a sweet black woman from Louisiana. Remember she had the answers for Hillary Clinton when she was running for president before a debate on CNN. She's a sweet woman, but I've noticed they seem to be going a little left in their presentations. Neil Cavuto, we showed last week, right? Cutting off girl McEnany because she was saying what kind of fraud was going on. But FNC got it wrong. And people are noticing this, that they're starting to abandon Fox News. There's what the hell did I want to show here? I wanted to show these tweets this guy put up and he sent it to at Brett Baier. Oh, this is at Brett Baier's account, right? Fox News can now project Democrats will try and control of the House and expand their majority by at least five seats.

This is a major boost for the Democrat. Ba-ba-ba. And then this guy questioned it. Eddie Zipperer. Is this deleted tweet authentic? At Brett Baer? If so, did you explain why it was deleted? Has there been any explanation from Fox News of this botched call by the decision desk?

This was like the night of the election. And yeah, let's just show what they reported, even though I just read it. Go ahead. Thanks, Bill. We'll be back to you shortly. The Fox News decision desk can now project that Democrats will retain control of the House of Representatives and expand their majority by at least five seats. That's a major boost for Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. If you guys don't follow it, the Republicans picked up like eight to ten seats in the House.

Why would Fox News report that? Oh, maybe it was just a miscalculation. A bull fucking hammers. They're getting very weird over there. I don't know what's going on. And Brett Baer, a nice guy, but he looks like a cat. His face, he looks like a cat. With the, yeah, so they picked up very good for Pelosi.

They couldn't have been more wrong. And I watch a lot of Fox. They're never that off. Democrats will likely end up losing at least 10 seats. Fox News still hasn't responded. Why is that? Call Neil Cavuto, that chubby fuck. See what he has to say. If we don't have Fox News, what's left? People are going to be leaving, and they are. As far as social media goes, it's a good segue.

Conservatives are leaving Twitter and Facebook. It's like the same way they're leaving New York and L.A. There's a bum rush. I know a couple of people I know that might be moving to Georgia. We got our boy, Komiya, who's looking at places down here. Friend of my wife. Wife? Friend of my wife. Wife? Friend of my wife.

The fuck does that mean? I don't know. Anyways, as far as social media goes, my manager, I'm on Twitter still, but, you know, I would get a few drinks of me and he'd see my tweets come up and he fucking changed the password and shit. So if you think you're talking to me you're not twitter censors the president of the united states of america for making claims media tech giants uh deem are in dispute because they're the arbiter of what's true people on facebook are prevented from sharing stories about election

fraud because the ones the ones and zeros know, binary, working in content moderation, say claims in a lawsuit aren't true. You got little dicks making these decisions, you know? Fresh out of college, that's who you want making a decision. You can't handle the truth. Everything on Twitter is racist, sexist, iffy, off-putting for for tech childs, content moderators who apparently believe that media is made for censoring. And they do because these people are millennials or younger. And they did, remember they did polls a year ago that they were for censorship by like

40%. They believe they are the firewall protecting those dumb adults, meaning us, from bad information because they, they know what's best for us, folks. You're just a fucking blue collar stiff. You know what I say to that? Fuck your mother! What did you say to them? Fuck your mother! I didn't hear you louder.

Fuck your mother! All right. I just picture a little pimple face, Asian girls offended everything. Like the one I made cry at the comedy sale when a whole table of girls literally were crying. Brought my legend status up that night. You're just being mean and racist. He said, chicken and broccoli. I want a white sauce. How do I, you know, they gave me the fingers. Comics are on the fucking steps. And I don't mean to.

They literally thought I shouldn't be able to say shit like that. So anyways, yeah, conservatives are getting sick of it. They are responding by getting out, getting the fuck off those platforms that are so unfair to us bye bye uh parlor which i'm on me we the fuck's that rumble and gab are blowing up in subscriptions you finally caught on huh people on the right it took you what how long's twitter been around it used it by the way the shadow banning i was at 105,000 and i it's been what a year now two years they froze my fucking number probably because of the tweets i put out there when i was still on saying hey dorsey have another suck another dick and die fucking

something like that excuse me i didn't mean to main piss off that guy that doesn't like the burping yeah it used to be that standing against censorship was noble, but the legacy news media have now decided there's something sinister about this wave of tech refugees, they call us, seeking a better, more honest place to call home. A USA story, you should never read USA Today because it is, before I was following politics, I knew that was dog shit. A USA Today story imputes selfish and sinister motives to the sudden popularity of these new social media platforms. Listen to how they, this is their take on it, which is, it is so thick with irony, it's hilarious. Conservatives increasingly are congregating on social media outlets designed specifically for people who think like them.

Wow, where have you heard that before? They don't even realize. Without irony, people observing the exodus claim it must be because conservatives want to stay in their own echo chambers. And surely there's truth to wanting to be with like-minded people. That's why the left loves legacy social media, etc. They run it. They contour content to the way of thinking and censor, report, and hector people

who don't think like them. They don't even see the irony of saying, yeah, conservatives are going to have their own place now. Could we be any more fucking divided? Can we just break out the muskets, please? And let's get this over with. Oh, these people

are retarded. It's so stupid. It's so stupid. It's so stupid. With no self-reflection, a reporter at USA Today constructs a narrative about the exodus, claiming it's all conservatives' fault because they're closed-minded and extremists. Oh my God. Oh my fucking God.

It's worse than I thought. They are in a fucking tunnel. That's how ensconced they are and never talk to people who think differently of them. America's crisis of political segregation, we increasingly don't live alongside, associate with, or even marry people who think differently from us is increasingly leading conservatives

to congregate together on social media outlets designed specifically for people who think like them. Yes. Yes. How does it feel? And stay the fuck out. Nick, but you just stay the fuck out. Look, my parents went to Italy about 20 something years ago and they looked up to Italy about 20-something years ago, and they looked up ancestry on my grandmother's side. Her last name was Schmigliani. Guess what? Guess what her daddy or her grandfather was? A fascist. I got a little of that in me. I'll shut your speech down. The recent rise of Parler, which I am on, as well as other social media alternatives that appeal primarily to conservatives and that got their start largely by attracting the far right. Oh, it's the far right.

I'm far right. Raises the specter of political polarization through digital means. Parler and others like MeWe and Gab are gaining momentum with a promise not to censor their users for behavior that might violate policies of their rivals. Yeah, they're encouraging free speech and you guys are against it. Why don't you just fucking admit you hate everything about this country,

especially the First Amendment? You are so intolerant, dishonest. You just, I don't know how to describe you. I'd hang out with a pedophile before to hang out with a liberal but they're one and the same i guess uh but much like the social media site gab parlor has quickly attracted the extremist crowd you know in addition to self-proclaimed center-right conservatives like reed uh Reid? Groups from the far right. Proud Boys.

Which includes large numbers of white supremacists. Really? And let me ask you a question, you cunts. How does Antifa organize? What do they do? Send fucking Homer pigeons? Huh? You don't even bring that up. Or Black Lives Matter, a Marxist group. How do they do, send fucking Homer pigeons? Huh? You don't even bring that up.

Or Black Lives Matter, a Marxist group. How did they get so popular? Ask yourself that, Zuckerberg. Fucking Dorsey. Guys ought to get a room together and fucking blow each other and then cut each other's throats. It's a good Saturday night. Large number of white supremacists.

To heavily armed anti-government militias have gathered on the site to spread conspiracy theories, racist memes and false claims of election fraud. There it is again. They can't go five minutes without it. Yeah, we have our own gathering place. And I'll say it again. We have all the guns. So anytime you're fucking ready, jackoffs. Anytime you're ready.

I would be nervous. Pelosi, you're fucking, you know, you should be grateful you're 80. Because your head's going to go first. And good luck with your gun-free zones and all that other horse shit. You can't get into my closet without a gun falling on you. I'm buying more. I'm collecting them like fucking model airplanes. It really is addicting, though.

They're good-looking. They're fucking, you lick them, they taste like metal. They're delicious. The mainstream press and their allies in academia, in think tank world, believe leftist beliefs are the standard by which all other thoughts are measured. This is how tyranny comes about. That's how far they've moved. All other thought is extreme and partisan.

Well, this guy might be right. Everyone's welcome to these newer sites. Maybe that's why they're flooding there. And that includes you leftist scum. That's why I laugh when these people come up with a new platform and they go, well, you know, we're welcoming everybody. Well, did you really, did you think like the jerk offs on Twitter weren't going to jump into your fray? Maybe it'll be out now, but I hope it's distressing. I'm going to uh montreal with rosie o'donnell here's a guy who gets it right keep it remember i said yesterday tom cotton

i like jim jordan too and uh who else did i mention jace ted crew thank you my favorite ted crews i said they would make good presidents. This guy would be too. And you know, a lot of presidents, first they're governors. Florida's governor, that's DeSantis, right, has drafted an anti-mob legislation to expand the already controversial stand-your-ground laws. Who says they're controversial? See, you can't get an article without, you think they're controversial. Listen to this.

This new legislation, what's it going to do, Nick? To allow people to shoot looters. Well, how do you feel about that, Nick? Shut up, shut up, I'm loving it. Shooting looters while protecting your own property. What a fucking novel idea. How outrageous. A draft of Governor Ron DeSantis proposed bill

expands the list of forcible felonies under Florida's self-defense law to include criminal mischief causing interruption or impairment of a business. I love it. According to the Miami Herald, which obtained a copy through a records request, it also specifically allows force against those looting, which the draft defines as burglary within 500 feet of a violent or disorderly assembly. In other words, when there's rioting going on and you see, you know who, running to the footlocker and picking up their diapers, you're going to hear a lot of this. Don't you move, you motherfucker. I'll blow your brains out. Don't you move, you motherfucker. I'll blow your brains out.

I hope it passes. And I hope it gets tested. I want to see what cop has the balls. You know what I mean? Can you imagine? You could, if you own a business, and they're already in there loading. You know how the packs of rats go in there? You just wait outside across the street.

You have your gun resting in a mailbox. And as they come out with their fucking liquor and their, you know, their baggy pants and sneakers, you do clang, clang, clang, clang. Can you imagine? Like fish in a barrel. DeSantis also wants to make it a third-degree felony to block traffic during a protest. I love it.

Come on, God damn it. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Again, that's me at Chick-fil-A trying to get out of the parking lot. And offer immunity to drivers who accidentally kill. Oh, my God. I'm going to fucking vote for this guy tomorrow. He wants to offer immunity to drivers who accidentally kill or injure protesters who do so according to the herald numerous other sections enhance criminal penalties for people involved in violent or disorderly assemblies that would be rioting

and you know those peaceful protests and with it withholds state funds from local governments that cut law enforcement funding you know i, i.e. Minneapolis, places where there are actually crying for cops now. Good for you, governor. Who's your fucking boss, huh? Who's your fucking boss? While a draft version of the bill was circulated to the Senate Committee on Criminal Justice, it has not been filed in either the House or Senate, but has already sparked outrage from goo-gbbling faggots on the left. It allows for vigilantes to justify their actions. Denise, I'm a dumb twat.

Georgia said a former Miami-Dade County prosecutor. It's all chicks who don't like who had handled stand your ground cases, told the paper. Who else waited? It allows for death to be the punishment for a property crime. And that is cruel and unusual punishment. We cannot live in a lawless society where taking a life is done so casually and recklessly. What do you think we're living in now, you douche? Shut your fucking mouth!

No problem, John. Shut the fuck up, you cunt! we can't live in a lawless society we're taking a life it's done so casually and recklessly really have you checked out chicago the last five years or any major city you dummy you dumb there she is why is every broad who went to junior college have an opinion on anything? You've never been in a fistfight. What do you know about rioting and police work? Show us your tits and make me a sub. What?

Former Miami-Dade prosecutor Aubrey Webb warned that the draft was far too vague and could lead to justifiable deaths after minor infractions. Yeah, justifiable death. It dangerously gives armed private citizens. Oh, see what they're scared of? Yeah, Second Amendment. Power to kill as they subjectively determine what constitutes criminal mischief. It's sort of like you guys on the left sort of determining what constitutes the truth and misinformation.

Only this is less dangerous. What you do causes this. How's that? That was pretty good. Sound like Ted Koppel. What constitutes a criminal mischief that interferes with business? Anyway, you know, I say, Miss Webb, and I say this in all sincerity, you might have, no, you don't. Make me a sandwich. Make me a fucking sandwich. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I love it. Run DeSantis for president. Run DeSantis for president. Guys, hey, everybody, even though we're making the jump to my new platform which is comicsgym.com I want to ask you all to share the show here on YouTube with somebody else find one person you

know who supports the truth and likes humor like you do and send it to them. Okay. America needs both right now. So we're going to use this YouTube channel to promote the new platform, comicsgym.com in the weeks to come. Okay. The two things I need right now are more subscribers here and for you to keep the contributions coming. I can't stress that enough right now. We want to make this a smooth transition.

It's so important, and I'm really grateful for the contributions that you guys have sent. I want to thank these people for contributing yesterday. One-time contributions, John Hoover, Florida, Don Faganecci, Texas, Paul Sagnella, Connecticut, Paganacci, Texas. Paul Sagnella, Connecticut. Kent Anal, Beads, McClure, Ohio. Kelly Hubbard, Michigan. Peter Tugger, Arizona. Mario Landry, New Jersey.

Tom Sheridan, Florida. Nick's Pulled UNH Scholarship. Oh, somebody heard that story. New Hampshire. Robert Broomheim, California. Michael Leag, Illinois. David Hertz, California. And here are some people that signed up a patron.

They are now monthly subscribers. John W. Hoover, Stephen Tassori, Bruce Nelson, and Kathleen Leister. Thank you guys so much. I appreciate all the support. And like I said, right now it's really important because we're going to make that jump at the end of the year we're going to make it sooner than that but we'll use youtube for the you know use them like a dirty pig and then we'll throw them away like a used condom anyways that is it for the week thank you guys so much uh you people that are patreon members, you've got another story coming your way.

But don't forget Cameo.com. I've got a couple waiting where I can roast somebody. I make a little video on my phone. You tell me about the person. You go to my profile at Cameo.com. Give me a little information and I will roast, destroy, ruin that person's day or say happy birthday to

Grammy in her late hundreds. That's it. You guys think it. I will say you're very welcome. We'll see you back here on Monday. Have a great weekend. guitar solo I'm out.