The Nick DiPaolo Show - Google Slashes 12,000 Employees | Nick Di Paolo Show #1343

Episode Date: January 26, 2023

Google Employees "Don't Feel Safe". AOC Praises Communist China. Fun with Incest.   Get an extra story Monday-Thursday by joining Nick on Patreon! www.patreon.com/thenickdipaoloshow   Get tickets to see Nick, live! www.nickdip.com/tour

Música Hey, you know what this picture needs? A little gray and black. Holy shit. What are we, burying an old Italian lady? Look what I did to my grandma. A massacre. How are we, burying an old Italian lady? Look what they did to my grandma. A massacre. How are you, folks? Welcome to the final day of the week.

Sure. Sure. That's right. Believe it or not, time she's a fly in ice. What do we got for NFL? There's only four teams left, I should know. KC and the Bengals? Sounds like a group in the 80s. KC and the Bengals? Sounds like a group in the 80s.

KC and the Bengals and the fucking, you know who? Eagles and... Niners. Yeah. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm not crazy about any of those teams. Bengals I'm pulling for because Joe Burrow's my hero. Yeah, it's kind of a boring run.

Yeah. Look, I'm from New England. We got us. That's all I'm going to say. But yeah, I don't know. I want to see some new blood in there. Like the Lions. Jesus Christ. I don't think they could make it if they cheated. Wouldn't you like to

see the fucking Lions and the Jets go deep into the or Super Bowl? We need some fresh, just into the playoffs at least. But the Packers have been consistent forever. Not this year, but I mean, I'm just saying the team, the people.

I'm watching this year going, oh my God. I'm already sick of Kansas City. I can't imagine how the country felt about the Pats. I'm like, ugh. That guy, Casey, you know, they get rid of Tariq Hill. Is that his name? And replaced him with another fucking guy who looks just like him,

built just like him, runs just like him. What is that about? So, yeah, so Casey and the Bengals, and if I'm not mistaken, the Bengals have beat them the last three times they played them, I heard. You know that? And then you got the stupid Eagles.

I don't know why they turn me off. I like them, like, give the Flyers a cup. I don't mind that. The Phillies, I don't fucking use. Who are they playing? 49ers? I'm just tired of them. I don't like their fucking attitude. No. I'm fucking... Who are they playing? 49ers? I'm just tired of them. I don't like their fucking attitude.

No. I'm kidding. I do like that Brock Purdy kid, though. Garoppolo? He must be going, what the fuck? Everywhere I go, Jesus is in front of me

on the depth chart. This guy's never going to see the field again. Unless this kid gets hurt. This kid's playing like he's been in the league a hundred years. Un-fucking-real. So what do you think? I say Bengals.

I wonder what the line is there. I think you're looking at it as Bengals. I'm going Eagles. Yeah, you have to. Bengals, Eagles. And then you know what I say about that Super Bowl? Who gives a fucking rat? No, that's not fair.

As long as you make chili, that's I'm good. Yes. Oh, you remembered. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Devin's award-winning chili. Did I make it for you already?

Yes. Yes. With, you know what? Brisket. With fucking brisket. But this time I'm going to be there as you make it. You're going to what? I'm going to be there as you make it. You're going to what? I'm going to be there as you make it this time.

You're going to be there? Get it on tape. Because last time he found like a pube in there, but I told him it was the pool boy. Don't look at me. Yeah, brisket. Chili with brisket. And I learned from watching Yellowstone,

you don't put beans in a fucking Texas chili. Why not? You could have Mexico living there. I like it. I like beans. But yeah. Oh, my goodness. I got to drop. Let's talk about this. You guys probably sick to hear me talk about it. I'm fucking, after I hit 35, I put on five pounds every year for the last 20. I know I'm not as active, but I, you know, the last few years I always worked out at least three times a week. And I got a thyroid. It's like if you looked at my thyroid gland under a microscope, you'd see Stephen you'd see Stephen Hawking asleep in his wheelchair.

Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. I'm too stocky. I don't want to be, folks, I'm 5'9". I'm fucking like 225. And the last few years, it always, this is how it worked. I remember getting a 205 and like, wow, getting up there. Then I would go 25 for a few years to 210. My wife would go, well, that's your natural body weight, I guess. Then I'd be 215. And then 220. Fucking here I am at 220.

I was a couple weeks in 228. I'm watching the NFL going, I'm bigger than the fucking running backs. What am I doing? You don't have to be that big to be laying on your couch watching Family Feud. I can't take it. And my wife always goes, you look fine. I know.

Look, I was an athlete. Muscle, when we talk about this, it's heavier. It's more dense than fat, not heavier. A pound of fat is a pound of muscle. But it's denser. And it's true. My legs, you know, my legs and my ass, sorry, when I go to buy jeans, you know, they think like Keith Richards.

Everybody has legs like that or a fucking stork. I understand all that. I don't want to be that stocky. And it's this goddamn stomach. Somebody out there, I hope there's a doctor fan out there. There's a strip of muscle. It's a Latin term. I don't know what the fuck it is. I've been reading about it for years. It holds, you know, when a guy has a six pack of these muscles, it sort of holds all that shit together. But this starts to give way. You know, you see old guys let this out it sticks out but it's hard as a

rock it's not fat it's not a bear gut and when i'm laying down you can't see it so somebody help me i don't think i'm pregnant i mean you can't get pregnant taking the ass can you anymore after the guy told me it is 2023. Shut it. How dare you? Mr. DiPaolo, no one could be as nasty as you pretend to be. Fuck you too, Bob. Unless they really wanted to be disliked. Well, I'm not running for governor, cocksucker. Anyways, and I hate it.

I know you guys out there my age, 61, your metabolism of a paralyzed seal. I'll say it again. But I remember having blood tests. I know I'm wasting a lot of time. Who gives a fuck? It's my show. What do I give a shit? Fucking go to Arkansas in two weeks.

And I like Arkansas. I took a girl over state lines there. That's what you're supposed to do in Arkansas. Where does she end up? Honestly? Under a double wide right off Route 48. honestly honestly under a double wide right off Route 48

let's get to it I'm just sick of being stark and lift weights and if I do sit ups it gets even starkier you're not supposed to pay attention to that BMI because that thing was invented in 1920 I'm obese or morbidly obese according to that BMI because that thing was invented in 1920. I'm obese, or morbidly obese, according to that stupid.

I'm supposed to weigh 175 at this height. Let me ask you a question. Do you understand that's 50 pounds I'd have to lose? Because that, I would be an AIDS victim, wouldn't I? Or look like one. I don't mean to make fun of you faggots. 50 pounds? No. But like, I get a workout after, you know, and I'm like, do I lift?

Do I, you know who's probably watching this? Our boy, our bodybuilder, Lee Priest. If he's not in jail, they get TV there, too. Anyway, I'm just saying. I know I talk about it a lot, but I used to take pride, take my shirt off at the beach, and boy, I'd have pussy everywhere. Well, I had a gun with me, but listen, that's not the thing. Now I do it, and they run up behind the snack bar, and they throw up. All right, Google purge. That was a nice opening statement.

Dallas is like, what the fuck, dude? I pull story. Google employees who survived the company's recent purge of, get this, 12 large, 12,000 of their now former colleagues grilled executives during a tense all-hands meeting on Monday. Who are they to grill? You're fired. Huh? You're meeting on Monday. Who are they to grill? You're fired. Huh? You're fired. Who the fuck are they to grill?

You're fired. You're fired. You don't get how the world works, do you? Anxiously demanding assurances that their jobs aren't next on the chopping block. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Have you ever heard of? They really, the parents must, the parents, you suck. You raised a horrible generation.

Let's listen to Jerkoff announce what I just told you. Google made an announcement that it's shedding 12,000 workers. Hey, Tim Quang, the camera's over here. Which is a really significant number. And the CEO of Google says it's because of the changed economic realities. Yeah, OK. The camera's over here, number one. This guy went to Columbia, graduated 4.0.

And he's talking to an empty seat. It's like Neil Diamond, my cry to no one there. And no one heard at all, not even a chair. I love that line. It's so stupid. One Google employee was so upset, he took a runny dump on the desk and shot it at his boss with a hockey stick.

Now here's Phil with the weather. One Google employee based in the UK told management that psychological safety is paramount. What in fucking God's name? After parent company alphabet inc shed around six percent of its full-time workforce the employee was outraged that among those let go by google were high performers and people uh on immigration visas who gives a fuck what you think? Yeah, mind your business. I guess you don't follow sports, Google nerds.

Some guy can hit 58 home runs and if they need pitching, they'll trade. Anyways, how are we supposed to ever feel safe again? Oh, who said? Who? God damn it. Oh, boy, you. Who told you you were supposed to feel safe from grave to cradle to grave?

I'm going back. I do it the other way. Who told you that? Safe spaces. That's all they've been hearing their whole lives. They want a safety net. Who the fuck, honest to God, they really do want socialism, where we all make the same shitty whatever? The workers

at the tech giant appeared to have trouble processing the news. Unbelievable. Pinch yourself. Welcome to the real world, you fucking nerds. You know, they all want the layoff seem random, one employee wrote in a question that was submitted

to higher ups through Google's internal messaging system, Dory. Oh, she's a witch. Should I keep working super hard? One asked. Does it matter? That's what the employees wondered. That's a sick question. You're a sick fuck and I'm not that sick that I'm going to

answer it, said CEO. Do they work hard at all? Oh, they do. They really pound it. I don't know what they do over there. You're right. I've seen things. Who did it?

Oh, it was on Gutfeld's show. They actually showed a clip. No, it wasn't. It was on the internet. Did we do it on my show? Oh, my God. I'm fucking losing my mind. They followed a girl at Google at work

or Amazon or whatever. One of those high-tech companies. She literally, I stopped my day off mind. They followed a girl at Google at work or Amazon, whatever, one of those high-tech companies. She literally, I stopped my day off with a coffee and a scone, and then we have like a quiet room. I go there. She did nothing. Might have been on a gut-fell show. Anyways, Google's CEO, Sundar Pichal, denied.

That's him right there, right? Yeah, cute kid he is. But you don't have opening? No. But why not? why is it so funny google ceo uh you know sandar pichal denied that layoffs were done randomly and even don't even answer them what i don't oh my god and urged his charges, that means workers, to stay focused on their jobs as the companies navigate difficult, how can they have difficult economic times when they run the world? That's another question. Really?

Economic terrain that has forced other tech giants. What's the matter? Isn't there, there's not enough money and lying for the government? You overthrow this country? You fucking Indian. Go back to Calcutta and wash your filthy ass. I understand you are worried about what comes next for your work,

Pakal said. His comments were reported by CNBC, so you know those are good ones. Anyways, Pickle, I'm calling something different every time. Pickle acknowledged that it was, yeah, no, you don't need a G in acknowledge either, ignored that it was also very sad for the loss of some really good colleagues across the company. He said, I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight in my Maserati. Go fuck yourself. Fuck this up.

Honestly, have you ever? These are adults wanting their employers to promise that they'll be employed the rest of their lives. Do you guys even, do you ever read about other generations? People during the Depression and people working three jobs. I don't know what to say. Other than I think the globalists are winning. Let's go on to somebody way smarter than those employees at Google.

AOC dumb AF is the headline. Get it? A couple of letters in there. Just like Google alphabet. AOC dumb as fuck. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. We call her Sandy. There she is. Again, if anybody

has a sugar cube or a carrot, they can... I'm Mr. Ed. She's a dumb, a dumb whore And like a slipper in the face There is, of course, a Mr. Whore The dirty communist I'll twist her tits

I'll punch her in the head And grab her mitts He's always on a steady course Talk to Mr. Ed Suck my filthy hole AOC compared Astoria, Queens where I lived for a couple of years it's where we called it we used to call it the comedian's ghetto because we couldn't afford to live in Manhattan which I did it's weird when I first there I did live in Manhattan because my

manager had an apartment and me and Louie split the I had about I moved around in Manhattan for a few years then I went out to LA, that's what it was, to write for Chris Rock and came back. And the prices were through the fucking roof in Manhattan. So I settled in Astoria, which is right over the 59th Street Bridge, if you guys are familiar with the area. And it's nice.

It's sort of right on the river. And it is, you know, it's a nice, whatever, to work in class. You can't find a parking spot. I had a nice, my apartment was like I don't 1200 or whatever for one bedroom but it was spacious right fucking I now like mine would go for four grand I think 3,500 a month anyways Ocasio-Cortez she compared Astoria Queens to the People's Republic of China,

not as an insult either. During an inauguration ceremony this week for a fellow socialist, newly elected state senator, Kristen Gonzalez. And there is AOC bragging, calling Astoria like the People's Republic. What the? Who said that? She did. Who the fuck said that?

The horse-toothed jack-off. I'm a slimy little commoner, shit-twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant. It's a she. Kristen is like the last, this is AOC talking, in Infinity Stone to the People's Republic of Astoria, whatever that means. People's Republic of Astoria? Yeah. Does she want me to punch her in the tits? With her election, we now have

DSA, that's Democratic Socialists of America members, elected to every level of government in the neighborhood. AOC boasted on Thursday. First of all, she talks like she's living there, ignoring China's horrific history of committing human rights atrocities. What makes you, she talks like she's living there, ignoring China's horrific history of committing human rights atrocities. What makes you think she's ignoring it? Excuse me. I like to see

those two make out. I'll just be honest with you. Rub titties. Why not? Because of St. Hannity. That's why I'm... Imagine Hannity saying that with a straight face. Busy night ahead of us human rights atrocities

as she instead referenced a plot line from the Avengers oh god we have fucking senators quoting fucking comic books we're not in deep shit are we the Avengers Marvel series oh god help

me she is huh? yeah she is series. God help me. Jewel calling us. She is. Huh? Yeah, she is. Brooklyn Councilman Ari Kagan. Sounds Jewish.

I've probably been up those steps a thousand times. I know there's a million of them in Astoria. I lived right at the end line where it ended. The whole subway thing ended right at the end

of my street. In other words, it ended when you came home and began when you... And there was a straight shot into Manhattan. This is before I got a car into Manhattan. Then I'd jump on another train down and fucking drop me off right near the Comedy Cellar. I was a real New Yorker. Now you do that, you're anally raped before you get to the... Brooklyn Councilman Eric Kagan, who grew up in Belarus under Soviet... So he's aagan who grew up in belarus under soviet so he's a jew that grew up in soviet union rule ripped aoc and her socialist allies um who he said adore failed

communist ideas that so many people ran away from her statement is an insult not just to chinese americans who left the communist people's republic exactly, for a chance to live in a free democratic society. But to all Americans, he said, the last thing we need here is to recreate the system where government stifles the market economy, exchange of ideas, free press, and independent courts. Great statement, but too late. Too late, Mr. Andy. You are correct, sir. late. Too late, Mr. You are correct, sir.

RIP Astoria. Good people have wrote in. RIP Astoria Queens tweeted David Grezliky. Who gives a fucking rat's tits? Grezliky. In response to a post sharing the comments by the New York City Democrat

Socialists of America. Can you imagine? A lot of comics still live there. It's a cool comments by the New York City Democrat Socialists of America. Can you imagine? And it was, a lot of comics still live there. It's a cool place, but yeah. And don't forget AOC, she got a lot of balls. First of all, she's from New York. Amazon wanted to move there. Remember all the money New York lost because of her that's why I don't believe she was realized I don't believe these people are appointed folks I hate to be a jack-off and tell you that anyways hey

guys and gals I'll be back on the road again working like a 12 year old Asian girl tied to a fucking radiator and bing-jang-bong making iPhones here's where you can see me next month February 3 and 4 the Grove Comedy Club, Lowell, Arkansas. March 11 and 12,

the Comedy Club of KC, KC, Mizzou. April 21 and 22, the Funny Bone, St. Louis and St. Charles. May 12, Hilton, Daytona Beach, Oceanfront Resort,

Daytona Beach, Florida. You can get tickets to all these shows at nickdip.com. Click on the tour button. Finally tonight, fun with incest. There are so many things to discover, and people are chomping at the bit to learn more about their family trees. Like me.

I was shocked to find out how accurate these are, to find out I'm a little more like Irish and English than I am Italian by a percentage, one or two points. But what if you found out those branches were a bit too close? That's a joke taken from Bill Hicks or somebody about looking up the family tree and it's, it's whatever. I don't even remember the punchline. Yeah. Anyways, TikToker. That's what you want. That's what you want in front of your name, huh? TikToker Marcella Hill stunned her.

I take that back. She has nice hair. Stunned her nearly 300,000. How does she got 300,000 follows on TikTok? Apparently, you need to make out with your cousin or your sister, you'll get there. Ah, bullshit. You heard it before. You're going to put an M80 in my ass and film it. That's it. I'm done being beat

by this. I'm going to put on my fucking wife's underwear or something. Cut the grass. And then you can film my baby shooting me. 300,000 followers when she announced that she is married to her cousin. Oh, holy moly. Took the news well.

No, the couple didn't know they were cousins when they got married. But now they do. And they have a baby with a giant water head. They say the baby's head in circumference it's the same as at the Olympics you know those rings on this it's a crazy story and people don't know what to think here's a cutie pie talking about it. Husband's next to me on his own family search and he's like, that's funny. We have the same grandma and grandpa's names.

I look at this line and it's all the same as mine so I think, oh no, you're still logged into my account. Then we start looking at it and we realize my grandpa is his grandma's first cousin. So he calls his grandma. Oh, I'm sorry.

Were you talking? And we ask them if they know each other. Sure enough, sure do. They lived together when they were growing up as children. Yeah. You happy now? Wait till you look at that sonogram. The kid's got four legs coming out of his neck.

See if you still have that cherry attitude, Perky Tips. We have won a prize for being the closest related in a neighborhood activity, she says. What is, I don't even, what's a neighborhood activity? What are they talking, cornhole? Some weird HOA shit, I think. Yeah. That didn't clear it up. Plenty of people on TikTok felt like this family secret should have stayed in the vault.

First of all, who cares what other people think? Things you shouldn't tell anyone, someone suggested. People are such pricks. If they still required blood tests before you got married, somebody else wrote, you might have found out beforehand. Yeah, I'll tell found out beforehand. Yeah. I'll tell you what. Shut up.

Mind your fucking business and shut up. Couldn't have tortured this out of me. That was my favorite. You couldn't have tortured this information out of me. Another agreed. Totally fine, one person wrote. You realize that for most of human history, see, here's where everybody has to give you a lesson in history.

They're a little smarter than me. For most of human history, people lived in small, close-knit communities, and spouses were often distantly related. Not my dad! You also hear something ugly and fucking doodly. Not my dad! Yeah, that was thousands of years ago, but now there's millions of people on the earth you can fuck around with.

Nice point, stupid. Another TikToker told a wild story. My baby daddy, oh, Irish, hooked up with his sister, got her pregnant, and now they're engaged. I don't think it's an accident on their end.

Oh, my goodness. But enough about Cedric the Entertainer. I don't want to say that. I actually love that guy. That's it. That's it for the week. Am I right? Before I go, though, I want to thank everyone that subscribes at Patreon,

for the love of God, who contributes to the show. It's you guys that make this show possible. So if you listeners like what you are hearing, go to patreon.com forward slash the Nick DiPaolo show and sign up for exclusive extra daily content, access to 300 plus archive shows, access to chat with other patrons, or DM me. Here's the people I'd like to thank. Jonathan W. Brosh. I love it. Some new ones, huh? Jeff Benzing. Jeffrey Hobday? Charlotte Hobday. And you know what? They don't even know each other.

It's a common name in Switzerland. What? Doug Kopp. I went to high school with his brother, Dirty. Sean Correale. And Jerry Massey and Robert, don't call me Shirley, Lexington, who has just signed up for the whole year, received a 10% discount.

Anyone who signs up for the whole year automatically 10% off. I also want to thank these folks that are either active duty or veterans, Michael Grandy, Tom Dudley, Salvatore F. Trifletti Jr., Joe, they're listed kind of weird. They signed up for our new military level, which is discounted for all former active military as a way of showing our appreciation for you defending my right to shoot my mouth off. If you don't want to sign up at Patreon but want to make a one-time or monthly contribution, you can go do it right at nickdip.com.

You can do it with Venmo, Cash App, PayPal, or any credit card. Thank you to Sean Powell, our friends at Paul Sagnella. They must be living together now. Mark Petrick, Robert Hitt, Lance Larrabee, Wade Sabatini, Chris CB, Mark A. Blessing, Kelly Hubbard, Patrick Spangler. Again, thank you guys, all of you, whether you contribute monthly, daily, we appreciate it very much.

Don't forget cameo.com. If you want me to roast a friend or relative, go to cameo.com. You guys, thank you. I will say it. You're very welcome. You guys have a great weekend. We'll see you back here on Monday. Take care, everybody.

Hi. Good night, everybody. guitar solo Outro Music