The Nick DiPaolo Show - Happy Kwanzaa From St. Nick | Nick Di Paolo Show #278

Episode Date: December 24, 2019

Trump getting his a**-kicked. "Pillow Fight" is an offensive phrase. Transgender beat down after pepper spraying kids on bus. An itch that needed to be scratched.  MONDAY - THURSDAY 9PM EST #Trump #MAGA #ABreathOfFreshAir

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, hey. Excuse me.

Lung custard. Hey, Merry Christmas, everybody. Happy Hanukkah. Kwanzaa. I celebrate Kwanzaa this year. Every other year I like to alternate. Very rich tradition. It goes back to April of 1998. Anyways, how are you folks? Good to be with you on a Monday from Georgia.

It's been raining like an MF-er for two days down here. God damn. Anyways, what is happening in the world today? Rich, how are you? What are you doing, doodling? Merry Christmas. How are you, Nick? I'm pretty good, Rich. What's that sweater cost you? I think this was $300.

Now you're full of shit. That's no $300 sweater. If you paid $300 for that, I could go to Marshalls and get it for $60. It's cashmere. Oh, it's cashmere? Getting a lot of boys, is it?

Fucking cashmere. You're cashmere. Cashmere. Wearing cashmere getting a lot of boys is it fucking cash man your cash man cash man right cash man to hang out a world of beer oh no I get fucking honey mustard on my $300 cash man sweater a lot of cute girls don't. The only time where you go, hey, are those real? You're talking about her teeth. Remember, folks, remember this. I am your voice. Yeah, damn right.

I want all of you to enjoy your cake. So, enjoy. And as the great black Shakespeare said, run through a motherfucker's face. That was from Mick, Mick Aisha. What is going on? Hey, Trump, Trump hired a new press secretary. I think this guy is going to get the job done.

Here he is. Now, I'm just going to tell you motherfucking niggas straight out the dump. Don't fuck with my motherfucking president. Do you understand me? Nigga, we riding with Donald Trump over here, nigga. Draco, we ain't playing with you motherfucking niggas. You understand me? Keep my motherfucking president name out your mouth.

Fuck, nigga. Any motherfucking nigga, white, black, Chinese, if you want to build that wall, let them build it. You motherfucking niggas out there thinking it's a game. I'm going to go to war behind Donald Trump. That's right. Do you understand me? We're going to go to motherfucking war, Trump. You're not some motherfucking soldiers, He's talking to MSNBC. Of course, that's Mitch McConnell's bastard son that nobody knows about. Joshua Roberts sent that in, right? A regular Patreon member, maybe?

Yes, sir. Thank you, Josh. That cracked me up forever. I think we'll be playing that often. But what time did we start? I have to look at the clock. Anyways, that guy's right. No respect for Trump. None. None. Never has the president been treated like this, ever. Not ever. You need more evidence? Take a look at this clip. Oh, there goes Chris!

Who's your fucking boss, huh? Who's your fucking boss? Oh, you're so edgy. Look, get the little kids out there. There you go. Fat, dumb housegy. Look, get the little kids out there. There you go, fat, dumb housewife. Imagine the shit we could have done to Obama. Can you imagine the racial shit we could have brought in? I mean, but we didn't. We bit our tongues and sat through the eight years of the Marxist.

Unbelievable. Have you ever seen such? See how they join in? See the group pack mentality? Once one guy does it, then everybody's such a... That's a main tenet of the fucking violent left. No respect whatsoever. Anyways. Rich, what are you doing now?

Breaking news just came in. Breaking news. So Obama was caught behind closed doors talking up Liz Warren. Ooh. Ooh. Really? A Marxist talking up a Marxist. It's breaking news. You know, it's funny about those two. They wear the same clothes. Obama with his mother-in-law jeans and fucking stupid helmet when he rides his bike. Yuck. Imagine he wouldn't, if he was in this current field of Democrats running for president,

he would not be far enough to the left. Although Pete Buttigieg is sliding, I noticed, a little more to the center as it gets closer. Now that he has the, you know, lead. I read something funny about Biden. Totally forgot it. I don't know what it was. Anyways, show the president some motherfucking respect, yo.

Keep my president out your mouth. I'm telling you, he's going to do great with black people. They're working. They're making money. So, and you know, when the legal's poor, you know who gets hurt. Fucking hard, you know, hardworking black people. So I think that guy really should be the press secretary.

Carry that gun to every comp. Is that James, is that Jimmy Acosta? Fucking put a red dart right between his... Piece of, Piece of garbage. What's going on? Well, it's been four minutes since we talked about GLAAD or LGBTQ. Because, again, they make up almost 4% of the world population. But we talk about them for 90% of TV coverage.

And, anyways, GLAAD, can't even remember what it stands for anymore. Gay, lesbian, fucking angry artist dicks. I don't know. But anyways, you know what they're upset? The term pillow fight

is considered offensive language by the GLAAD people. I suck cock, and I love it. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. That was Rich speaking at a high school graduation. Clad objected to language

that describes sparring between Mayor Pete Buttigieg and Senator Elizabeth Warren in Thursday's edition of Political's Playbook newsletter. The South Bend mayor, as I spit on myself, has been testing an outsider message

in a field dominated by D insiders. But he's been a bit sidetracked by his pillow fight with Elizabeth Warren. That's what they wrote in this playbook, which is funny. It's a funny frigging line, in my opinion. This displeased the GLAAD people. For women and LGBTQ people at the workplace, hearing phrases like dramatic, over the top, even pillow fight during office disagreements fosters negative stereotypes and diminishes a person simply because of who they are. Disagreements happen in politics, but using these loaded terms during disputes feed into the sexist and homophobic tropes that simply have no place in our political coverage and rhetoric.

Really? So do the fucking gay parades we have in every city. You're always ashamed of that, too. Why don't you start calling them out? I mean, I'm so tired of their whining. Man, fuck you and your bone spurs. Angriest gay black guy on the planet. Really?

So you can't say pillow fight. But anyways, to their credit, the obvious reading of the term is, you know what it means? Pillow fight? A fight where no one draws blood. That's what it means, as the newsletter noted. How it also, how this bothers somebody who's an adult. Are you that, is your ego that, are you that frail? It's going to diminish you as a person if someone uses, do you see what I'm saying? You guys are hurting yourselves every time

you come out with silly shit like this. We've accepted gay marriage, a gay lifestyle. We've moved on past that. This is the slippery slope that conservative people always talk about. All you guys want to do is control language. Even though the guy probably meant it. A woman and a gay guy fighting. It is a pillow fight. Is it not?

Rich, what are you writing now? I found out what GLAAD meant. Gay, Lesbian, Anti-Ass Defamation League. You're pretty close. It was Gay, Lesbian, Allegiance Against Defamation. Defamation. Allegiance Against Defamation.

GLAAD. GLAAD. GLAAD. They're not GLAAD lately. Yeah, there you you go throw another fucking dog shit line in there i'm not glad you came in this morning i was hoping i was going to hear about an accident on 516 west uh can you be glad and gay at the same time they're pretty much synonymous aren't they glad and gay at the same time, they're pretty much synonymous, aren't they? Anyways,

it's just ridiculous to think that adults can be that thin-skinned in my opinion. You are correct, sir. I know I am. I'm always correct. Okay. I have more gay friends than Nathan Lane, so I don't want to hear this homophobic shit. I'm in

show business. I've sat next to these people at award shows. Boy, do they smell good. What? Another transgender story to follow up. Boy, do they get a lot of airtime, Raz. I'm telling you.

I have a video of a pillow fight. Oh, really? A couple of chicks? Let's see it. Watch this. This should be hot. I'm gonna stab that nigga in the knee. They gonna call that nigga nubs. I'm gonna kill him, nigga. Oh, he gonna have nubs. Oh really couple of chicks. Let's see watch this. This should be hot

This is how we solve our differences. Wouldn't it be much better? You know what I mean? Instead of drive-bys, you fucking throw pillows. You drive-by a fucking Escalade. There's a black funeral going on. A lot of shit goes on at black funerals. I don't know.

If the wrong person dies in your neighborhood, you're not going to that one. They're going to throw you right on top of the corpse you're there to see, for Christ's sake. By the way, there was some gun violence not far from my house. Yeah. The Dirty 30s, as they call it.

It's one street. Even daytime, when I'm driving down, I'm like... They're just trying to... Can we... I mean, anyhow. But anyways, where am I? Oh, on to the transgender. Washington police say a transgender woman

who claimed to be the victim of a hate crime was actually the instigator. Get me back, Vice! Get me back, Vice! Get me back, Vice! Get me back, Vice! Get me back, Vice! A video released last week by the King County Sheriff's Office, shows the unnamed transgender woman pepper-spraying four teens on a city bus

in what authorities said was an unprovoked attack. Then they waited for this transgender person and stomped her or him. A transgender woman is a guy who's going to be a woman, right? I can never, I have, you know, whatever. We have the story right here. That's her. Investigators say this video shows a transgender woman standing near the back door of a Metro bus. Detectives say, unprovoked, she walked to the back and pepper sprayed four teens.

As they reacted, she walked away, stumbled, and fell. This one back here in the black, he's got the hatchet. You'll see him swing in a minute. Sergeant Ryan Black walked us through the video from the black. He's got the hatchet. You'll see him swing in a minute. Sergeant Ryan. He's got a hatchet. He walked us through the video from December 10th. Guy swings a hatchet. After one teen was pepper sprayed, he swung a small hatchet at the woman and missed. Right there.

The woman got off the bus and took off. The woman got off the bus and took off. So did the teens. The next part was caught on a cell phone camera. Now here's the ignorance. Witnesses yelled for them to stop. Fucking predators. You can see her lying on the ground and they are punching, and they are kicking her and stomping on her.

That's they, sir. The victim told detectives it all started earlier, before she boarded the bus at the Tequila International Bus Station. She claimed the teens used derogatory terms. We haven't been able to prove through video or witnesses that there was any other incident that occurred prior to this at all. That night, investigators arrested three teens, one 14-year-old and two 16-year-olds for investigation of malicious harassment, a hate crime, and felony assault. Now, with the video evidence and interviews,

they say that is not what happened. They didn't do it because of who she is or her sex life. They did it just strictly because they were assaulted and then they got off the bus and they assaulted her back now she is the one charged with felony assault right over there along the busy road that is where the woman was attacked by the team now they're also likely going to be charged with the misdemeanor assault now investigators say they can't claim

self-defense because... Anyways, they were so quick to jump on these. But can I be... Look, what are you doing, Raz? Got a girl kicking a soccer ball? What is going on? Channeling Jason? I believe, okay, I believe those teens obviously provoked at some point before the

pepper spray happened, is what I believe, okay? Fourteen, we've seen it all before. Guy gets on on a skirt. I might even say something, but it'd be complimentary, like, nice jacket, nice legs. I'm not gonna, but one of the kids has a hatchet, and then you see how they reacted after. So I'm believing that somebody popped off, and they got sprayed. But they were so quick to jump on the kids, you know, and then they look at the footage, and they say that there is, they don't see these kids instantly. Well, do you have audio? The footage you're looking at, do they have audio?

Don't want to hear from you, Rich. Do they have audio? The footage you're looking at, do they have audio? Don't want to hear from you, Rich. Do they have audio? So, I mean, when the cop's looking at the surveillance shit, it's usually silent, isn't it? Anyways, I don't believe in hate crimes anyways, because that's the thought police getting into your head as to why you did something violent, which is total. You can get in a car accident. Like I've used this example before. You can get in a fender bender and end up getting in a fight with a guy and beating the shit out of him. And if it turns out he's gay, you could go to prison for a hate crime,

even if you don't use the word faggot or something derogatory. So, you know, Bill Clinton helped push that through anyways. Total nonsense. But if the kids did not provoke you know it's like the NFL now let's take a closer look we're gonna review this for 20 minutes and but how about her stumbling on the way off not you not used to those heels they've still not used to wearing those heels but they should not be charged with a hink but but the stopping shit, somebody's got to go to jail for that.

You know? Anyhow, very interesting. I mean, can't we all just get along for the love of Jesus? Is that a man who has no religion in his past? I don't know. Can you tell I'm working at a slower pace today? I was, I don't know, I've had explosive diarrhea for like two days. It's the only time I can get ripped is when I'm giving birth to quintuplets for fucking six hours on the toilet, and then I look shredded.

By the way, I went to Burger King. I ordered a double whopper with cheese, whole the tomato and lettuce, because that was grown two years ago, and they hand me my shit, I drive away, and what did I get? I got a double Whopper, no cheese on it, tomato and lettuce plenty. Now I could have reacted like a lot of people do and climbed through, went back and climbed through the drive-through and choked the people. But that's not me, I've mellowed. I did throw a Subway sandwich.

Not a Subway sandwich. What's the place in Miami? There's a Subway. Miami Subs, it's called. And this is a true story. After a show, I was drunk. My buddy Zook and I went to Subway. It's like midnight. I order a turkey sub.

I get it. We start the driveway. I open up. There's no turkey in it. Just lettuce and tomato and a piece of cheese. So I made him swing around, and I threw it at the window. I was fucking drunk and there was nobody in the window, but I left a nice mayonnaise stain on them. But I've grown up since then. That was like three weeks ago. Anyways. It's a true story. It's the beginning of my comedy career anyways

pillow fights transgender we're covering it all it's a real what are you doing for Christmas there Raz driving 20 hours to Minnesota didn't you just do that that was to Nashville that was 10 hours

Jesus I'll buy you a ticket even though I don't have the money take a goddamn train wife and three kids That was 10 hours. Jesus. I'll buy you a ticket, even though I don't have the money. Take a goddamn train. Wife and three kids. How many hours? 20.

Jesus. Might as well be in a boxcar in Germany in 1941. That sounds horrendous. Rich, what are you doing now? Just looking at World of Beer's Christmas schedule. Is that a joke? You're going to wear a $1,000 Santa's hat to the fucking... Hope some toothless whore fucking jingles your taint. Anyways, back to the show.

More than 100 Virginia City... Excuse me. Fucking sick cigarettes before breakfast. More than 100 Virginia City's counties declare themselves gun sanctuaries. What did we say? Do you remember? This is actually good. It's good and bad. You had these cities, right? Like LA, New York saying they're sanctuary cities for illegals, right? And I remember somebody on TV, might've been the great Tucker Carlson pointing out, okay, what happens when people

start, you know, what happens when the people who love guns say, okay, we're going to ignore federal laws, make it a gun sanctuary. Well, it's happening. I'm for that part, but I'm against it because this is how democracy, this is what always comes apart. We're starting to give the finger to the law and federal laws and doing our own thing. doing our own thing. Then again, for you Federalists, that would be the 10th Amendment, where the power that the federal government doesn't have is automatically, right, automatically transcends the state governments, and they're supposed to be petri dishes for democracy. Well, it's getting dangerous. Anyways, gun owners from across Virginia are demanding their local governments establish gun rights sanctuaries, which declare that local officials will oppose any unconstitutional

restrictions on the Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms, which I think is actually a good thing because there's evidence in here. They're coming after your guns. It's a slippery slope. The resolutions promoted heavily by the gun rights group, Virginia Citizens Defense League, vary from county to county. But in the last two months, more than 100 counties and cities and towns of Virginia have approved such Freudian slip resolutions. The resolutions reflect a movement that began last year in Illinois, quickly spread to numerous states, including California, Colorado, New Mexico, and Florida. I didn't know that. So now in California, you have sanctuaries for illegals, and you're going to throw guns in on

top of it. Oh, a recipe for diarrhea on a national level. You know where the NRA's headquarters happens to be, ironically? Virginia. Anyways, this is getting scary, man. After Democrats, here's what caused it. Here's the catalyst. After Democrats promising new gun control laws took over both chambers of the state legislator at November 5th election, excuse me, the sanctuary movement was sparked in that state. See, once you get Democrats controlling both houses, those newly elected Democrats, listen to this, here's what pissed off the gun people, are proposing universal background checks, which I'm fine with, assault weapons bans and red flag laws. Red flag laws are bullshit. They can take a red flag law.

You know, that works. They can take your gun without any due process or whatever. Red flag laws that would allow authorities temporarily take your guns from people deemed too dangerous to themselves and others. Who's going to make that call? Do you see where this is headed? You know, any hunter from Wisconsin who's got a shitload of rifles, they're going to go, oh, you're a danger to you. One proposal in particular that helped fuel the Second Amendment sanctuary movement would have made it a felony to sell, manufacture, purchase, or possess assault weapons in certain magazines.

Hustler and Barely Legal and Blue Boy. Rich has a 10-year subscription to blue boy. Now listen to this. Incoming Democrat state Senate Majority Leader Dick Sasslaw, the author of the proposal, has since said he expects to amend the bill to allow current owners to keep their weapons, but many see the bill as the first

step exactly down a slippery slope that will end with their guns being taken away. And it will. That's where they're headed, folks. That's why Trump has to win again. This would have already happened if the thick-ankled dogface won in 2016. The two sides differ on how effective such resolutions could be. On Friday, Virginia Attorney General Mark Herring called the resolutions part of an effort by the gun lobby to stoke fear. You're stoking fear by passing all this other horse shit like red flag laws where there's no due process. Who's stoking fear? I say their fear is legitimate. And he says they have no legal effect.

You're an idiot. Problem? You're the fucking problem? You fucking Dr. White onking jam rag onking spunk bubble. I'm telling you, H, you keep looking at me, I'm going to put you in the fucking ground. I promise you. Not this time. I can't wait.

I'm almost hoping Bloomberg wins, you know, the presidency because he's real anti-gun. Like I said, to see a Jewish fellow from New York trying to take guns away from people in the South, oh, my God, it'll be fucking 1838 all over again. You people, put those guns away. Put down those giant sodas, for the love of Christ. You people already have a problem with diabetes. You get sugar foot, don't you?

Nanny Bloomberg, put those guns down. Your kid has three giant big gulps and he's got all that sugar and he's going to shoot somebody. Sanctuary cities for guns. I love it. It wouldn't be funny.

Maybe this is the beginning of the balkanization of this country. You know, all the people who are for illegals being here, they're going to fucking move to California. All the gun people being Virginia. This would be two. The rest of it's empty. It's two fucking states. Let's draw the lines now.

Let's get it on. Let's get it on. People are just, Rich, what's going on? You're supposed to be listening to the show. Do you know that? I have two ears. Yeah, nothing between them. No, I was going to say, Virginia is in close proximity to when this all kicks off in the Civil War.

So, you know, that's where the battleground is going to be. So I would hold onto my guns there, too. Virginia is in the vicinity of what, Richard? Where North meets South. Oh, that's what the battleground is going to be. So I would hold onto my guns there too. Virginia is in the vicinity of what, Richard? Where North meets South. Oh, that's what you meant. Yeah.

I think it's, you know, I think it's going to kick off and I'm dead serious about this. Terminal 23A at the Charlotte airport, Delta. Have you ever been to Charlotte airport? It's a mix of hip hop, wigger,

fucking cornrows on white people, fucking black people with fucking rifle tattoos on their forehead. Everybody's going to tattoo connecting through Charlotte. That's an interesting city, isn't it, Charlotte, right? Well, you went to school in North Carolina, right? Charlotte is in North Carolina, right? But there's a nice like, there's like a hip hop.

I see a lot of white kids with like dreads and shit. It just fucking looks like, I don't know why every time I go to that airport, I feel like somebody's going to knock a Cinnabon out of somebody's hand and next thing you know,

the muskets are coming out. At least that's what I'm hoping for. Know what I'm saying, yo? Speaking of cornrows, Odell Beckham's back on the new. Actually, get rid of the cornrows. This guy, you know, this guy

has the world by the balls. One of the greatest athletes, but he can't help it. I'm guessing he had no dad, because he throws these temper tantrums, has no respect for authority figures. And by that I mean the head coach. He did this with the Giants. It's the reason they fucking

get rid of him. He's a pain in the ass. He's a psycho with unbelievable fucking talent. But Cleveland Browns game this weekend, he goes off again in front of it. Here's the footage. I want to like this guy. Although I did this in high of it. Here's the footage. I just, I want to like this guy. Although I did this in high school. I almost hit a cheerleader. Now he's talking to a drunk on

the sideline. No, look at that's his head coach. You can't be doing that. He says he was upset about the referees. You, it doesn't matter. You can't be gesturing like that. Just tickulating wildly next to your fucking head coach. It makes him look like an asshole. There is a hierarchy. I know you don't like taking orders from a white guy, Odell. I can see it in your fucking every move. That goes for pretty much all the black athletes. If you ask them tomorrow, we're going to make it all black coaches, NBA, NFL, they would say yes. Not all of them. Right, Raz?

There's a few good fellas. But they don't like being told by an old cranky white guy what the fuck's up. Am I right, Richard? With his $6 TJ Maxx shoes. Go ahead. The coach's name was Freddy Kitchens. I know. I mean, come on.

Freddy Kitchens. Seriously, that's not Tom Landry. coach's name was Freddie Kitchens. I know. I mean, come on. Freddie Kitchens. That's a great. That's not Tom Landry. That's not Vince Lombardi. It's Freddie Kitchens. It's not bad. He belongs on Home Garden.

HDTV. Stop. You almost stumbled into funny there for a second. Don't go too far. Belongs in. See, then you fucking belongs on Home Gardens. Explain that part of the joke, you fucking nipple binder. Kitchens, home, gardens. Yeah, there you go.

He wants to be so funny so bad. We're going to get you a gig with the Shriners on those commercials. You know, and they show the girl a little stump going, ah, thank you for donating money. And then they show the kid missing his shoulders or whatever, playing the piano with his feet. And then it cuts to kid missing his shoulders or whatever, playing the piano with his feet. And then it cuts to you going, I can be funny now.

It shows you doing a knock-knock joke. And all the other crippled kids throw shit at you. I'd be like Odell Beckham. Shut your mouth. Fucking O. Smell Beckham. What? What is this, the third grade? I know, Freddie Kitt.

But then he says after. Instead of just taking blame for it, he says, I was mad at the ref. Nobody believes that shit, dude. Don't give me that smart-alecky shit. Yeah, it was stemmed from the officials warning him, following his touchdown celebration, that one more personal foul would cause him to be removed from Cleveland's. That's what they do.

When you get a personal foul, you get two, and then you get booted after that. So they were doing their job, Odell. Just grow the fuck up. You get the best hands in the history of the NFL. Just shut up. Play football. Antonio Brown.

Guy's had the best numbers as a receiver in the history of football for the last six seasons. Where is he? He's on Twitter bad-mouthing everybody. He's a fucking maniac. You gotta like a guy, though, who has a woman over doing some work in his house, and he just walks out with a fucking three-inch towel covering his cock. I tried that with the Verizon guy. He didn't like it. I said, how about a little 40% off? And he's like, I said, how about a little 40% off? What are you saying?

What? Don't give me that smart-ass. Ah, shut it. Why do you think it's always receivers? That's a great point, Rez. They are the most temperamental. You know what I mean? They're like kickers. They're crazy.

Kickers are nuts, too. They have their own personalities. But no, nobody's more of a diva. And it's always been the way, hasn't it? You can name them all. Michael Irvin was actually, that's a bad, Michael Irvin was a great player. Didn't do much of that shit. I mean, off the field, he'd be

doing blow off his stripper's ass on a Tuesday morning. I fucking love Michael Irvin. But yeah, you're right. It's always the temperamental, the Antonio Browns, Odell, Torello, Torello, Randy's always the temperamental, the Antonio Browns, Odell, Torello. Randy Moss was a head case. Torello Owens.

And it goes back, man. It goes back. You know why? Because you have to be legitimately crazy to be a wide receiver in the NFL, at least with the old rules. Trying to catch a ball when somebody's trying to take your head off. I never – I played strong safety. That's what attracted me to the game.

You could hit guys while they're distracted trying to catch a ball. You could take their fucking head off. I would never, ever. They're crazy. But can I be honest with you? They've won me over with all their celebration and horse shit. I used to hate that stuff. As you get older, you take life less seriously.

I love it now. When the defense, all the teams are doing it. Was it the Ravens? They lined up like the OJs and started dancing. They had their moves down. And I saw it yesterday. They showed them in the locker room practicing. And now years ago, I'd go, for Christ's sake, be professional and focus.

But you know what? The fuck can these guys take themselves too serious anyways? A lot of the Goodell and all this shit. So I love it now. When they score or whatever and they go into the end zone, my favorite one, they held the guy up. They picked their receiver up. They were holding his feet and his head, and

somebody limboed under him. And brothers are really very creative people. But they were dancing like the OJs, and they had it down. I mean, it's kind of fun. Because the league is nothing but penalty. I put on cans.

I'm digressing, folks. I realize that, but what the fuck? It's the day before Christmas. I have no shopping to do because I don't do any. I sent my mother 60 bucks in cash and a card. That's pretty. That says a lot of loving, isn't it? That's something like Silvio Dante would send to a stripper on the... Hey, Tina.

There's a fucking handjob behind the Bing the other night. For the love of God, just play football, you know? He's, oh, God, the fucking refs are after me. Oh, poor you. He said he wanted out of Cleveland, but then he comes out and guaranteed their putters, I'm not going anywhere. And you know why he said that?

Because the Browns said they wouldn't trade him. So he comes out like they can see through his bullshit. 27 year old, second season of a five year, $95 million contract. I would actually play football and keep my mouth shut. I would just...

Come on, Odell. If you weren't an athlete, what would you be doing for a living? Huh? Honestly. You'd be a security guard fucking at Apple. Nick, why was that? I don't know.

Stupid. Can't all be winners. Oh, my stomach is making some crazy, crazy-ass fucking noises. You think coffee and cigarettes is a good way to get the day going? They say eggs and cereal, but. Rich, I want you to get off your phone and focus now, okay? Please.

Yeah, fuck it. You're going to look at me, go back to your phone. Some black news. What am I saying? I just did an Odell Beckham a fucking pillow fighter Rich do you have ultralights yes I do

well I want the pack of ultralights that I asked for alright you can have the regular lights I'm going to lick them all going to lick them all what are we talking about

Cub Scouts? Your sister's box. Here's my favorite story of the week. A gunman opened fire on a worker at a Texas barbershop Saturday after an apparent argument over a child's haircut. You call that a fade nigga I don't uh I don't even know the race but I'm going Raz is nodding already I'm going this kind of hits home because we have a black barbershop

downstairs from us. And we wanted to go in there and film some segments, but there's some hard motherfuckers hanging out there. It just says barbershop, so it doesn't say. And I've yet to see anybody go in there

who's under 6'3", 240. But I keep having this fantasy. Remember I went in there? Remember, Rich, I surveilled the place? I pretended I need a lighter, and I went in. And it got all quiet. The guy cutting hair is about 400 pounds. He's the owner. Young dude. And there's like two black dudes sitting in fucking dead silence when I come in. Actually, careful. You played a cop on The Sopranos. They'll probably recognize you. Yeah, that's a good point, you fucking idiot. God, I want you to

die of cancer tonight. I should have went in there and said, can you give me a boy's regular? Do you cut white boys' hair? But everybody's out on their, they're in their baggy fucking sweats all day, all night, like an out front,

well, I'm telling you. If you want to score some weed. Jesus, I hope they don't see this. What the fuck? They'll kick this door in tomorrow. Threaten me with all kinds of $400 scissors. Texas barber, a gunman opened fire on a worker

at a Texas barbershop Saturday after an apparent argument over a child's haircut. The Harris County Sheriff's Office tweeted Saturday they were looking for the man who shot a male employee of a barbershop in the Houston suburb of Katy, Texas. Where, that's where you know who, Clemens grew up. Witnesses said the argument was over a haircut given the suspect's 13-year-old son. I'm guessing it had something to do with something else. The alleged shooter described as black. Oh, it's right in there, Raz.

I wasn't being racist. Described as black. Described as black, exactly. I saw a story. Somebody, a couple, there was, I don't know, there was this weekend on the news, somebody was murdered. I can't even remember. All these stories are blended in. But they said the suspect had black clothes on. Well, if you know what color his clothes are,

right, you know his skin color. So they don't mention it. And people say this all the time. If they don't mention it, it means it's black's Are we really that fucking PC that even in a murder when you're looking for a dangerous guy who got away, you're not going to mention that he's race? Are you fucking kidding me? That is just irresponsible. It's unbelievable. The employee

was shot three times and continued to give a guy a mohawk. Well, what? No. No. Vote a toughest barber in Texas. The employee was shot three times and was in stable condition at an area hospital. Jesus.

There's something wrong with the black man's mind! There's something wrong with his mind! Detective Wallace said the disturbing part is his 13-year-old son witnessed this, which makes him part of this. I would be on the lookout for a kid with a fucking ball spot or a fucking pigtails or something really bad. So the 13-year-old son knows he needs to come forward and tell it. No, he doesn't. He's 13. He's not going to rat out his dad. Would you rat out your dad if you fucking just saw him shoot your barber?

Keep my yap shut. We have some pictures of the haircut you should be looking for, actually. This might be the kid on the left. What the fuck? He's got the Bay of Pigs on his forehead. That's Robert Kelly. Wait, go back. Look at the guy on the fucking right.

He's got a comb going across his forehead. And then he's got the wing of a blackbird going down his cheek. Did he ask for that? Oh, God. Okay. Here's why black people are the most creative geniuses. Look at these two. Rich, these are hair hats.

That guy on the right, if I could do that tomorrow, he gets up every day and goes, I'm having a bad hat day. Look, he's got a fucking, he's got a baseball cap on. And the guy on the left. Look at Quindarius Gooch. That's my screen name now. Quindarius Gooch. Seriously.

I ain't going to use it. I'm going to get that tattooed on my back. Quindarius Gooch. Boy, he was busted for weed. I'm going to bust his barber for heroin. Look at the fucking little hat. How about that? Now, I picture the guy on the right going to court for something.

Nick, that's right. No, I'm just saying. Unless he goes to court and the judge is like, take your hat off. I can't. I said, take your hat off. But I can't. I can't. I said, take your hat off.

But I can't. He's on a boat with everybody else, right? You're going 50 miles an hour on speed, but everybody else's hats are blowing off. His is just fucking stuck there permanently. Probably got a thousand bees living in his fucking... That is fucking just genius, man. Unbelievable. That's my... This is the one I found.

I remember this. The kid on the right, he did something pissed off his dad, and that's what his dad did. Made him fucking turn a 12-year-old boy into George Jefferson. Look at the poor kid. Look.

I remember reading that story. And I'm like, that's a mean dad, man. Look. And then you got this kid over here. He looks like he's wearing a condom on his head. Un-fucking-real. But don't we have something funny? I don't even remember, Raz.

What is it, a video? Are you using it, Joe? Watch this, kid. Let's get started. Let's get started. Oh my God. I'm going to be the funniest kid on the planet. Be the funniest kid on the planet.

Cute kid. That one hit home with me because I did that the day before a wedding, my niece's wedding. I didn't like my hair. It was a little long on the side i took the clippers i pushed and the thing popped off and i went i actually touched the part that affects your speech i went that deep i had like a one by one square right in my and and uh and this is the honest to god truth i i colored it in with a Sharpie. And only one person at the wedding picked up on it.

Thank God everybody's shit-faced. But I was walking around like this. How you doing, Bob? Pretty good. But I write down with a fucking bone, just like that kid did. And I dropped it. I was like, no, what the fuck? Anyways, that one hit home with me. Can you imagine?

That couldn't, you don't shoot a barber. There had to be something else going on there. I got a feeling it could have happened here. By the way, I'm not going to mention the name of it. I'm just asking for trouble. It's a real Christmas show, can you tell? We're focusing on violence, race, transgender meetings. Why should it be any different?

Oh, no, more black news. Jesus, this should have been a Kwanzaa show. I wasn't thinking. Listen to this. Jihan Woods. This Texas mom created an app that helps parents find a black Santa near them. Jihan Woods wants to make it easier for black parents to find a Santa their kids can relate to. Is that right, Jihan?

Oh, fucking idiot! You are. You're a racist. You're a racist. That's all there is to it. Where's that story of the white woman guy? Ah, fucking. Let me get, folks, let me tell you something. Santa was based on some fucking, it goes back to Germany,

whatever, St. Nicholas, whatever. It was white. Not that it matters. Artie Lange had a very racist joke about it. About black Santas. Said, really, you're going to convince white kids that a black guy could crawl down their chimney in the middle of the night and left stuff?

I was offended by that. I almost stopped hanging out with Artie after I stopped laughing for three weeks. Jihan Woods developed the app after struggling for years to find a Santa Claus for her twin sons near her home. Let me ask you, Jihan, why is that? Are you obsessed with your own race?

They can't relate to a fat fucking white guy and a beard and shit? What are you doing? So Woods launched a Kickstarter campaign last year to fund her Black Santa's Locator app. I'm going to get this app and go find a Black Santa. And I'm going to sit on his lap as a 50-year-old white guy. And he'll go, ho, oh, what can I get you?

I want ribs, chicken necks. I'm going to scream it out, embarrass everybody. A glock. After raising five dimes, that would be 5,030 days, the Dallas psychiatrist, that'll be 5,030 days, the Dallas psychiatrist, she's a psychiatrist, developed Find Black Santa, and they did.

He was at a check cashing place in downtown Atlanta at three in the morning. Find Black Santa, an app that lists Santas in 35 states in Washington, D.C. Only 35 states? Probably Utah didn't have one Black Santa.

I really wanted my children to see a Santa Claus that looks like them. Listen to the logic here. And this is a psychiatrist. It's important to me they experience diversity in all aspects of their lives. Let me ask you a question. Wouldn't them experiencing a white Santa

be them experiencing diversity as opposed to somebody who looks like them? Am I wrong here? You know what I mean? I'm going to create one. Find the Indonesian slash Japanese Santa. This lady's a psychiatrist or whatever. What are you talking about?

What are you talking about? Them experiencing other white, that would be diversity. According to CBS News, studies show that children with a positive attitude about their own racial identity do better in school and are less likely to engage in risky behavior. Experiencing a black Santa is an important aspect of that. Oh, God. Shut up! Shut, shut, shut, shut, shut up! Shut up! Specifically for black children, it's really important in racial and ethnic development that children see figures,

whether it's in the media, a mystical figure like Santa, because it's really helpful for their development. No, unless you want them to grow up, be racist, and that's all that matters, it's not helpful it's detrimental okay i'm pushing back on that create a fucking hawaiian santa app and a whatever take them to nine different malls this is pissing me off and then she says uh there are so few options as it relates to the availability of having an African-American Santas. And then she added this. This is how I know she's a bad mom.

Santa, you know what I want for Christmas this year? What? A big fat cock in my ass. See, that blew all credibility with her. There's an app you could use, Rich. Fat black Cockat. But January 20th is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I could create an app looking for a white Martin Luther King Jr. Day,

and I'd be on the news for months as a racist. Yeah, because first of all, it would make no sense. Your analogy is false. Why? That's because there's no difference. Really? Santa's a f's no difference. Really? Santa's a fictitional character, you cheese dick. He was dying.

He wrote that last night. He was sitting up, staring at it, going, I'm going to knock the fucking tits off the crowd with this one. And he fouls it off. Now here's a story Rich can relate to. Matter of fact, I thought I saw his name in the article twice. A patient is recovering after his anus swallowed a bottle while he was trying to relieve an itch. You're lying.

And you're a piece of shit. The man, 60, who was not being identified, insists that he was. Why not? Identify him. The doctor's worried about other people doing this, and you're warning them. You put a picture up of the bottle and the tools

after you removed it. Ah! Oh, God! Look at that. Where was the itch? In his sternum? Yeah, let me just take this fucking bottle of rosé. I got an itch.

What the fuck is on your liver? Jesus! Look at that hey who's thirsty might be a little warm Tom can you follow me to the bathroom with his plunger he says listen to this

60 years old he's trying to scratch his anus what a fucking liar when the cologne bottle that's to scratch his anus. What a fucking liar. When the cologne bottle, that's a cologne bottle? It's like a fucking Heineken bottle, was gobbled up inside him. Gobbled up. Now there's a turkey sticking his head out of this guy's ass. He eventually went to the hospital where he told doctors he had a pain in his abdomen.

And the doctor said, well, of course you do. You stuck a bottle up your ass, you pervert. They investigated, and when they got to the bottom of it, get it? They found the two-inch wide bottle lodged firmly up his posterior. Gastroenterologist Dr. Lin Jun, who carried out the anal surgery, released pictures from the hospital that we just showed you. And South China is a Guangdong. Can I make that up? Province, where I have a summer home, timeshare. As a warning to others not to do the same. Do you really think after we saw that we need a warning, doctor?

Danger, Will Robinson. Danger. No, Will Robinson. Danger. The fact that it's two inches wide and it got all the way up in there tells me he's done it with other shit. Call me a detective, but... Why'd you stick a vacuum cleaner up your asshole? Well, I had an itch in my throat.

A probe found the base of the seven-inch-long Florida water cologne bottle around two inches inside his anus. Dr. Lin said, The patient told me my abdomen hurts. There's something inside. I can't poo or fart. The beginning of that sounds like a Neil Diamond song. My abdomen hurts, but there's something inside. And it won't let go.

I'm not a man who likes to swear. But I never cared for a bottle in my ass. I am, I said. To no one there. And no one heard at all. Not even a cologne bottle.

Rare. Anyways. That's right. Song parodies, folks. Thank God Christmas break's coming up. He said, I was very uncomfortable, so I bought a bottle of Florida water. Began scratching the itch. Then the bottle accidentally went up my rectum. Go ahead, Rich. Go ahead, you

dumb motherfucker. Try to make that funnier. I think a bottle of Old Spice would have been more appropriate. Why is that, Rich? Because there's probably Old Spice in your anus. You ruin our show. There's Old Spice in your anus? Oh, my God.? Oh my god.

Oh my god. Does Old Spice come in a bottle still? Yeah, I think it's white. Thanks for adding that. I can't believe you know Old Spice. You probably buy a $700 bottle of Calvin Klein Obsession or something. I use Creed Aventus. Creed Aventus. And I can see all you know all spots. You probably buy a $700 bottle of Calvin Klein Obsession or something.

I use Creed Aventus. Creed Aventus. And I can see all the pussy around you. It's working beautifully. In August this year, another patient had the same issue with the same brand of cologne. What? Why is this the cologne of choice? To scratch and itch on your liver.

What the fuck? This other patient had to be anesthetized from the waist down and a metal wire was used to hook onto the bottle. You know your life's gone to pot when you get a doctor fucking trolling for bottles in your ass with a...

They used a metal wire to hook onto the bottle where it was pulled out. Oh, God. Nothing to see here. Please disperse. Nothing to see here. Please.

Oh, that dirty cogsucker. I'm afraid to put anything in my ass. Anything. David Tell. What's his joke? I think I might be gay. Once I had a cucumber go up my ass. I was making a sandwich.

And a cucumber went up my ass twice. You're probably gay. I'm not gay, I said to the voice in my head. That guy's too funny, isn't he? You sent me this story. Boy, you mailed it in this week with the stories. You sent me that float thing was a week old. I mean, come on, Rich. It's really the only thing you're good for. You've got to keep it up. What else did you send me? You sent me two things. The float that was, what's the other thing I replied to?

I'm just going to look it up. Yeah, take your time. I blocked you long ago. What? I blocked you long ago. Good. Boy, that hurts. All right, finally tonight.

Filmmaker fantasizes about killing Jewish traitor Laura Luma. I look up this. This is the other one you sent me. I thought it was like a big filmmaker. This guy's a fucking nobody. Who cares? Filmmaker. The filmmaker.

What the fuck's his name? Something Feldman. Huh? Lauren his name? Something Feldman. Huh? Lauren. Yeah, Lauren Feldman. Is that him? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Get this through your head, you. Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker, you. Filmmaker called Laura Loomer. She's a right-wing activist originally from Canada. She's done some crazy stuff. She's been banned from every social media, but not crazy stuff. She's actually called people out. It gets a little interesting. The filmmaker called Laura Luma, Dave Rubin. I was on his show. Eric Weinstein, traitors to their fellow Jews. Laura Luma's first gift on the first day of Hanukkah was a tweet by Loren Feldman discussing how he loved the idea of killing Jewish people

who are disloyal, obviously he's Jewish, disloyal, specifically naming Loomer. Feldman wrote on Twitter, the Maccabees killed every Greek possible, but also the Jews, excuse me, who joined Greek society, the traitors. He continued, I love this part of the story. Today that would be Jews like Dave Rubin, Laura Lohmer, and Eric Weinstein.

Traitors to their fellow Jews, he said. Can you fucking imagine getting away with this? Lauren Feldman's feelings toward Lohmer have been controversial in the past. Feldman raised eyebrows with his comments concerning her on iHeartRadio podcast on May 2nd of 2019, when he referred to her Twitter and Facebook bans as society correcting itself. So he's for, he's against the First Amendment. Who said that? He's a piece of shit.

Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit-twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Lauren Feldman. Feldman further said Laura Luma, her rights have not been infringed upon in any way, shape, or form.

How do you figure that? I'm going to fucking smash his fucking face in. Popularly renowned as the most banned woman in the world, Loomer has been banned from all major

social media platforms as well as rideshare apps, Uber and Lyft, and by Airbnb. Loomer, who was running for Congress in Florida District 21, is no stranger

to death threats. In her time as an accomplished investigative journalist, Luma approached untouchable topics. See, they're untouchable because people on the left think they're untouchable. And then they threaten you with violence when you do touch them, such as immigration, radical Islam, anti-Semitism. The Gateway Pundit reports, Luma has been the subject of countless attacks from the tolerant left, in quotes, with sickos hoping that she will be killed, raped, and brutalized another way.

Try doing that on social media, right? Saying that about whatever, anybody famous on the left, and see how long you last. These tweets are still up and shit. Facebook even made it a part of their terms of service to excuse users for calling for the murder of Loomer, as well as Alex Jones, Paul Joseph Watson, and Gavin McGinnis, okay?

Yeah, so no fucking agenda there. Hates Jews. Hates Jews. Congressman Paul Goss' retaliation to this loophole provided in the Facebook terms of service was a statement issued declaring that Facebook and Twitter should be subjected to an investigation for inciting violence against conservative leaders and their constituents. Gosar has reported that he will be sending a letter to the Attorney General Barr to prioritize the issues caused by Facebook's appeasement of those who would threaten conservative leaders such as Loomer.

Okay? This is why they have to be broken up or looked into. It is so fucking biased, it's not even funny. Feldman has refused to make any further comments after multiple requests from journalists. Of course he didn't, because he's a puss. You know you're a fucking mumbling, stuttering little fuck, you know that? It seems logical that his tweet violated the standards of Twitter, but the tweet, along with his tweets that purportedly dox and harass an alleged proud boy

when he was fired for being pro-Trump, remain on the platform. Loomer gave a response to this deeply sick tweet of Feldman's. This is what she said. The egregious double standard in Silicon Valley between what is and isn't tolerated on Twitter and Facebook should concern every decent person. There is no denying the fact that Twitter is biased against conservatives and Jews. When I was permanently banned from Twitter for saying Ilhan Omar is anti-Jewish, but leftist accounts like Lauren's get to openly call for me, a Jewish Republican congressional candidate, to be murdered on Hanukkah.

The incitement of political violence and blatant Jew hatred directed towards me is largely the result of companies like Facebook and Twitter maliciously labeling me dangerous, falsely accusing me of being a white supremacist, and declaring open season on my life by sanctioning violent threats against my life, as they have done in his outline in the lawsuit I filed against Facebook earlier this year. Let's see how that goes. You think Trump's not going to face any bias in the 2020 election on social media between that and the mainstream media fucking google controls every ounce of information people look at when trying to decide who they're going to vote anyways i think that's enough for today did i

brighten your day your holiday uh we have one listener question we got a one listener question okay let's get to it all right from richard reedy richard reedy mr dipolo and team nick dip this is rich in germany it's quint retired military and i absolutely appreciate what you do what you say especially at least at a minimum politically you've been saying what i have been thinking for at least the last two decades and uh question question is, I'm sure you've considered it, I'm sure you've probably been out to Europe. Do you have any future plans on coming out to do some stand-up? Pause.

Yeah, once I start filling stadiums in America, I'll come out to Europe. You know what I mean? Seriously, I have to do at least 20 sold-out theaters of at least 600 seats over here before I roll. I'm not going to go to Europe. No offense, and I love this guy. He's a military guy. I want to thank him for his service.

We'll get back to him in a second. I've gone over. I did a week at Manchester, England, the Manchester Comedy. My jokes and my writing have a lot of Americana references in them that didn't fucking fly over there. Some of the shit did well, but I got to be honest with you, I was sweating bullets and dying the death of a thousand cuts

in front of a bunch of limeys over there. But go ahead. Bring your wife. My wife would love to cook you awesome food if you're ever in Germany. That scares me. I don't like venison. Door open to you for me and my family. Pause. Iraq war veteran. Good man.

These are the people who watch the show. These are the people that, you know, Pete Buttigieg. Actually, he was a war veteran. But I don't know how he has the same opposite politics of this guy, but go ahead. Do consider bringing the Richard Wood. That guy. Oh, did he pick thisurbs you very much,

you become indignant whenever he wants to say something. Rich, did you pick this? She did, didn't you? No, go ahead. Don't pause. I'm talking over the part where they talk about Richard. That's very, very funny. That's something that I've never seen to any show, radio, media,

or whatever. Anyway, shout out to you, Richard any show, radio, media, whatever. Anyway, shout out to you, Richard. Yeah, thank you. You almost had me. Anyways, thanks to Richard Reed. Is that his name? In Germany over there doing his part. Fucking vet.

Those are guys. I'm telling you, as a comic, you don't take that shit for granted. Freedom of speech and guys like Rocky Warbet. Unbelievable. But then he lost me with Rich Wood. He might as well be a fucking ISIS member. No, I'm kidding. Rich, thanks for the question.

That is it. Hey, you guys, have a great holiday season, Christmas. What can I say? And when are we coming back? The 6th? The 6th of January. So enjoy yourself.

Surround yourself with family, but ignore them when they start talking shit. That's all I got to say. NickDip.com for my tour dates. I'll be at Tarrytown next whatever, Tuesday night, I think it is, or Wednesday. I don't know when New Year's is. Tuesday night, New Year's Eve, Tarrytown Music Hall, Tarrytown next whatever Tuesday night I think it is I don't know when New Year's is Tuesday night, New Year's Eve Tarrytown Music Hall, Tarrytown, New York

Remember you guys think it, I'll say it You're very welcome We'll see you back here January 6th Again, have fun guitar solo Outro Music