The Nick DiPaolo Show - Harvard's Gay Gone | Nick Di Paolo Show #1502

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Tit's & grits, Houthis seeing red, a Rotten and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Ah, the homosexuals. Hi, folks. How are you? Welcome to the show. Happy New Year to you and yours. And by yours, I mean the girls you're sex trafficking in the basement. 2024. I'd say we've got another 12 months before the earth blows up. I got my fingers crossed. I don't need this shit no more. I'm tired of chasing the big dream. Okay, I stepped on stage drunk in Boston in 1986 or 7,

and it's been downhill ever since. I've had enough, okay? And anyhow, good to be with you. Did you have a good Christmas and shit? Real quickly, I get the best goddamn fans in the world. Can I just say, I want to say Dan and Sherry from Noble Intent. I hope I got their names right. How about Bob? No, I think it's Dan. You know, they make ornaments for a living, and they're the most thoughtful. This is Christmas. They found this while they were in an

antique shop in Texas, which is, I mean, look at this. They give me a notepad that says it's for jokes, recipes, and conspiracy theories. Boy, do they know this guinea. And here's the best, the creme de la creme. I look like a chef who just burnt

a souffle for the fifth time. Well, that's that Italian guy that's watching somebody put pineapple on pizza, they said. This is so, and I've used it. Thank you guys at Noble Intent. Go to their store, folks, and support them, because they support me. Our good friend Paul Sagnella sent this with a nice donation. I won't tell you, I don't give out the amounts, but it was pretty damn good. I think he slept with my wife. No, I do. I think Andy said that, or they dated or something.

Either way, Paul, I don't give a shit. How was it? I'm just saying. Huh? Because you don't know. Because I don't know. That's it. Jesus.

Dallas is 1- nothing Dallas 2024. He's on fire. Because I don't know. Dude, that was way funnier than anything I've said. Yeah, so, and everybody else said, I don't know what else. I can't remember what I got. I'm so old I asked for fucking socks and I got them. I was actually excited.

You fucking believe that? What else did I get? Some cocaine from my mom. I don't understand the tampons. My wife said they were 50% off. She buys anything that's on sale. Used. Yes, they were used.

But we had company. I made Bloody Marys. Nobody knew the difference. Oh yeah. Delicious knew the difference. Oh, yeah. Delicious. Thank you. Woo, woo, woo. I don't know what else to say, folks. I'm not a real fucking host, I'm sure.

Everybody else, 2020, in 29 days, I'll be 62. You think I'm excited about that shit? Jesus. Bowl games, if you didn't watch, look, real quick, I know you guys, because you're not all sports fans, but the bowl game thing's fucked up because of the portal guys can transfer. People opt out that know they're going to the NFL, so you're playing with half your squad, and it's horrible.

Once again, money's ruined something that was're going to the NFL. So you're playing with half your squad and it's horrible. Once again, money's ruined something that was good. Whatever the fuck. But the two games yesterday weren't affected by any of that. Wow. As good as it... Michigan-Alabama, it was as good as you'd think it would be. No matter what the year,

what the time, those are the two... Hey, Michigan's got more wins than any college franchise. You know that? More than Alabama. And it was as good as you would fucking think. And then the second game was as good as you. It lived up to the hype of Moore, which is usually the case in college football.

Anyhow, how about them Patriots? I'm interested to see what happens there. Belichick, you know he's fucking looking for another job. Fucking Green Bay, man. All they got to do is win and they're in. Never saw that one coming. I know. I told you. I didn't predict that either, but I'm just saying that fucking love can

play ball. I remember him in college going, this motherfucker. Yeah, but he's hot and cold. Jesus fucking Christ. Everybody's hot and cold. Jesus fucking Christ. Everybody's hot and cold. Don't you understand that? Not Tom Brady. Well, good point.

All right, I'll shut up. Yeah, but Tom Brady had Belichick, and, you know, that was a fucking, you know what you call it, when all things come together. Perfect storm. You're right. But he can play, dude.

And yes, I hope they get in. I'm pulling for your Packers. And I love Dylan from BC, that big-ass running back. Anyways, enough. I know you gay people are getting pissed right now. Let's get on to it. Tits and grits. You probably don't like that either.

Tits and grits is the headline. Anyone who's familiar with Bourbon Street in New Orleans, I've been there once. Again, overrated city, food tremendous. So those things can get a little bit racy on that particular strip, especially if I'm there with a couple of margaritas and me and a pair of leather pants. And ESPN learned that lesson the hard way. Get it? During the Sugar Bowl, viewers who tuned in were treated to the deluge of commercials.

Not me. I don't watch anything in real time. Why you people do that is beyond fucking me. Even when I go away and shit, I've got it down. I know how to not walk past bars and look at the TV. It's brilliant. It's so sad. This is what you do when you don't have kids.

You perfect shit like that. But I don't understand. Can I just give you a lesson on how to use your DVR? The game starts at 1, right? And you don't want to sit through those 8-minute commercial breaks. I don't care if it's the end. Go do something for an hour. That's all you need is an hour.

Go wash your car, play your guitar, beat your wife if you're Mexican. Everybody does that. I'm sorry. But I'm just saying, kill an hour doing something. It'll go by. Do a crossroad, whatever. So now you get an hour built up. Now you can skip

the things and watch the whole game without... I had my buddies texting about that. I go, you're watching this in real time? And don't text me, my friends, because you know I don't fucking watch anything in real time. I'm below the score.

They like to do that. That's why I've stopped texting you. That's why I haven't, yeah, thank you. Yeah, you get it. I yelled at my poor friend Joe Liss one time when we were working comedy.

He almost started crying. I fucking screamed at him like he spilled paint in the garage. Same with my mother. I fucking screamed at him like he spilled paint in the garage. Same with my mother. How much in the paper you bought? Anyways, she's actually doing great in the pool. Anyways, what was I saying? You know, the Daylouge commercials.

Again, I didn't see them during the broadcast. In addition to plenty of clips featuring some of the most notable attractions in New Orleans, you know, that they have to offer, which is if I see Brennan's Restaurant one more time or a black guy playing the trumpet, big fucking whoop. The tits were the best thing. That included a cutaway to Bourbon Street in the French Quarter. I haven't seen a French person there. A drag that's best known for hosting the many rowdy revelers who flocked there during Mardi Gras. While that particular celebration won't commence until February, there was one woman who decided to partake in one of the traditions it's associated with a bit early by pulling down her top and making Nick grab his peepee.

Cut! And briefly flashing her tittays. So we have a clip. We had a clip. There she is on the right. Oh, for Christ's sake, they blurred. I can't get a nut off that. Here you go.

Oh! You know, I was watching that. I've got to say I missed it. I'm not the pig I thought I used to be. All right. Jesus. That moment just so happened to be captured by ESPN. That's Disney.

Camera that was making its way down Bourbon Street at the time of the incident that forced the network to issue an apology telling the AP, we regret that this happened and apologize that the video aired in the telecast. Are you really? Will you shut up? Sure you are. Will you? Will you please shut up?

These are the people who are helping turn your kids trans, but they're sorry about real tits. Contrary to what many people believe, ESPN doesn't fall under the jurisdiction of the FCC. Why not? So it won't have to worry about getting hit with a fine. I don't know why that is. It's kind of weird, ain't it?

Oh, we're a family. That's probably what they'll say. Yeah, but this is sports. Girls just love to show off their tits. I don't care. The new... I don't mean to sound old, but anytime they know they're gonna... I'm not gonna complain. I am. I don't like it. I like a nice flat

Colin Quinn's old street joke. Hear about the guy? He's on top of his wife. He picks up some woman, he's in Beverly, he goes, oh, you have really small tits and really tight pussy. She said, ah, get off my back. Old, but so goddamn funny, is it not? Hey, in the second half of the show, what will I be talking about? I will give you more evidence that Moderna, no, I won't. Am I doing that the second half? Yeah. They don't give a fuck about your health.

They got busted with something that you're not going to believe. Also, I'll tell you about some more groups that are usually very reliable for the Democrat Party and votes that are hemorrhaging under Biden's leadership. So it's great. He's just falling apart. It's terrific. Anyways, it's exclusively on Mug Club. So join now to get it at nickdip.com. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so

much. See you soon. Can't believe I got that right after two weeks of break. Yes. Hey, the hooties, or I call them the hooties. I guess it's the hooties, all right. Hooties and the blowfish seeing red. Tehran announced Monday it has sent a warship into the increasingly contested waters of the Red Sea as navies from other nations worked to stem attacks from Iran-backed Houthi terrorists. What else do you fucking know? The semi-official Tasnim news agency reported Iran's frigate Al-Borz. Oh, have you been on the Al-Borz? Have the Alborz? The food's delicious. Oh my God. Yeah, the food on the Alborz. You get the Alborz macaroni on the Alborz. Launched in 1969. Wow, it must be a really, what are they throwing, cherry bombs from

the side? Fucking, there it is. They use that in McHale's Navy. I said to Dallas, how the fuck does Tehran have a battleship? They still fuck goats over there. They dress like they're out of Genesis or fucking Deuteronomy, whenever that shit went down. And they got a boat? And I got to believe Russia,

they got it at a yard sale. Launched in 69, on completion by Vickers in the UK, will fly the country's flag across the key shipping lanes. In its report, Tasnim did not specify the details of the Alborz mission, but highlighted what it claimed were the regional implications of Israel's war against Hamas terrorists in Gaza. Hey, nobody cares. We're going to turn that part of the world into a fucking parking lot. Tell the Jews beforehand, just like they told the scumbag Palestinians, we're going to get out of there. Come over to Ohio. Take it easy, Ohio. I'm just kidding. Listen, following rising tensions in the Gaza war, there has been an acceleration

in developments in the Gulf of Aden and the Bab Al-Madab Strait. God, the Bab Al-Madab. I remember having a picnic. It said, repeating the words of action long pronounced by Tehran in its war with the West. And those words were what? Durka, Durka, Muhammad Jihad. Haka, Sherpa, Sherpa, Abakala. On Sunday, U.S. Navy helicopters sank three hootie-operated vessels

that had attacked a container ship. Why don't we see footage of shit like that? What's so secret? Oh, that's right, we're in a war you haven't told us about. We're in a war right now, folks, in the Middle East. Not that anybody would tell you. These guys think they're in BLM. They're all confused with a hand justice. Operated vessels that had attacked a container ship in the Red Sea,

the U.S. Central Command, CENTCOM, said in a statement, so that must be true. The U.K. Defense Minister warned on Monday that London is willing to take direct action against the Houthis. Why do you wait till we do first? Why don't you come with us? Britain is collaborating with the United States for potential military strikes against the Houthis and the blowfish. And that a joint statement giving the militants a final warning to cease their attacks is imminent. to cease their attacks is imminent. Yemen's Iran-backed Houthis have been targeting vessels in the Red Sea since November to show their support for the Nebraska Cornhuskers, who, what? November, to show their support for the Palestinian Islamist terrorist group Hamas in its war with Israel. They're a terrorist group? That's not what I've been hearing from the Middle

East. In response, many major shipping companies have switched to longer and more costly routes which avoid the area altogether which means doesn't that mean there's going to be delays does that affect the shit coming here very convenient exactly it's all folks it is also i i i'm confused on this one because um they're not telling you i guess you could find out but i mean you think hey look over here we're in a war well our government's doing again domestic shit to us over here i don't know i just give up also my favorite line in that is uh militants giving the militants a final warning to cease their attacks? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Ooh. Do you hear what they said, Ahmed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We better stop. Yeah, we're going to get in trouble. Somebody's going to rat us out, they said in Farsi. First of all, final warning. They've hit us over 140 times.

We have military over there getting smacked around. What a fucking... you know why? Biden doesn't want to, he's like, you know who? He's like Michael Corleone. He doesn't want to have his business disturbed. Remember, Hyman Roth? Biden don't want his business disturbed with Iran. You know, big partners.

Speaking of the Middle East, this fallout from that Israeli-Hamas war over here, what it did do is reveal how many goddamn anti-Semites live in America and just how much damage colleges have done to these younger generations. Just hate-filled morons who protest, they couldn't even point the Red Sea on a map. Neither could I, but I'm not out there bragging that I'm for Hamas. I've got enough problems.

Red Sea. When I have hemorrhoids, you look in a toilet. That's a Red Sea. That's gross, but it's true. I thought I was on a heavy day yesterday. I ripped a couple of those up. Anyways, the big rotten apple. Boy, do I miss New York.

I don't understand. I do. I know people, you got to make a living and stuff, but if you don't have to, you can do your job on a computer and zoom it in. I don't know. Anti-Israel ralliers caused a New Year's Eve, this relates to me so well

because I've made this ride many times, caused a New Year's Day travel headache as they descended on John F. Kennedy International Airport by subway and car, creating a traffic jam nightmare on one of the busiest travel days of the year. First of all, folks, I've made this ride. I've made it from Manhattan, which is shorter, to Kennedy, but it doesn't matter. Then I had to make it from Westchester, 30 miles north of New York City, to Kennedy.

And if you hit it at the wrong time, it's never a good ride. Coming to the airport or leaving it. Belt Park, it's a fucking... These jerk-offs now now on New Year's Day when everybody's leaving New York decide to block the fucking roads. When are you going to stop putting up with this shit? When's somebody going to get hurt

with a Palestinian Hamas flag? The Belt Parkway, a major thoroughfare used by vehicles to travel to the airport, was temporarily blocked off by police near exit 20 as they tried to stem the flow of the flood JFK for Gaza protest, which was planned. Well, they kind of give away what they were going to do, folks. Cops ahead of time, didn't you see that by the name?

Which was planned by a group call within our lifetime. These are the people that blow each other up at fucking 12. Suck a fucking goat's ass. A Palestinian led activist group. Hates Jews. Hates Jews. This is what they were chanting.

NYPD, KKK, IDF. You're all the same. Doesn't even rhyme. Maya Angelou would be very disappointed. Protesters inside an SUV chanted that through a megaphone.

Again, this hit home so bad because I've made this trip and like I said, even when there's light traffic, there's never light traffic. Sometimes I took an Uber or whatever the fuck,

a taxi, and they knew an access road that sort of runs along it, but if they didn't, I'd be going like this to them from the back seat. Here's a video, and I miss New York so much. Imagine you got a flight

leaving in a half hour. What a great place to live. Oh, my God. Come on, God damn it. Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go. That's me on the toilet. Let's go! Let's go! That's me on the toilet.

The demonstration comes just days after police arrested at least 26 protesters that blocked the Van Wick Expressway, halting access to Queens Airport, which is LaGuardia, or JFK. As many as 40 people linked hands together, blocking traffic on the highway and on a service road. I think that might be the one I'm talking about. These motherfuckers. Which forced travelers to, listen to this. Only this can happen.

It forced travelers, picture this, you're late for your flight or even if you're on time for your flight, to walk to their terminals in the rain with their luggage. Fuck. terminals in the rain with their luggage. I saw when they were doing construction on LaGuardia before I left, it was so backed up. They showed on the news.

I was living down it, but they showed New York news people getting out of taxis and shit on the Grand Central Parkway walking the rest of the way. I'll repeat. The airport here, Savannah, longest line in TSA for me, five people in front of me.

One terminal with 15 gates, and that's it. I know. I know. And people, I know people are moving down here in droves, but I'm 62. I'll be done by eight years, and you can fucking block anything you want. Good night, everybody. I'm done, ho.

Anyways, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of this show. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show. Get Steve and Crowder's full show. I actually miss, I can't wait to go back there and have fun with those guys. And a whole lot more. What do I mean by more? Alex Jones on Fridays, very funny Brian Callen, the Hodge twins. They get that undercover, almost like Project Veritas, and they're doing killer work. It really is. For your money, it's the best investment if you want to laugh and stay in tune with the rest of it. So also, while you're on my

website at nickdip.com, click on the button and see this May 11th. I keep plugging this, folks, because it's 1,300 seats plus. And it's four months away. I remember saying, ah, it's seven months away. No, it's four months away. But already 250 to 300 tickets have already been bought, which that's not a bad sign. Wait till I start plugging it on national TV. I don't know when that'll be. guitar solo Outro Music