The Nick DiPaolo Show - IDF Enters Rafah | Nick Di Paolo Show #1566

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about how it's getting Rafah out there, a Twister and more!  Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 I gotta try and take a shit. Well, it's none of our business. I try it all day. I didn't even mean to. That's actually a good opening. How are you, folks? Welcome to the show on a filthy Tuesday. Bowel update a little bit today. I know my volume. I don't know what's going on.

But at least I have evidence something's not blocking it. I don't know. I use it like a Play-Doh machine. I don't know what to tell you. I got Merilax in me. I got Metamucil, a half a pound of green grapes. I'm not shitting you. A bag of coleslaw.

I should be shitting like a silverback ape. I just need to start drinking some freaking oil. You know, Dallas, it's so funny you said that. I was laying in bed at like 1.30 in the morning after the Bruins went into Florida on a day's rest and beat them 5-1 in game one. Man, did they look... Our goalie is... We can ride this fucker to the cup.

It's our goalie. Swayman, this kid's going to write his own check. University of Maine Black Bear, by the way. What were we talking about, pooping? Yeah, I was thinking about going down and slugging olive oil. That's my last resort. Either that or Pennzoil. I had the two bottles in my hand, looking at the viscosity.

This one goes in my generator. I get a new five minutes for fucking Jersey. Yeah, so it wasn't a total, but it's making me nervous, man. I just don't want to know. I don't want to give other shit up. I'm fucking 202.

I feel good. I'm light on my feet. God damn it. People must be at home going, you're fucking nuts. But you know what? I also talked to a guy who knows a woman who said, again, what I said, there's a ton of negativity coming up because the weight loss industry is being destroyed by this drug. And they're writing hit pieces, and they're paid to write hit pieces.

I don't know. And then it says less than 1% of, you know, whatever, experience this type of side effect, blah, blah, blah, whatever. But I might be in that 1%. You know, the plumbing's 62 years old. Fucking a lot of rust on it. Bruins fucking made me proud last night. God damn it. I wish I was gambling. What else? Tomorrow we got Esty Pelti who does a great you've seen her on Gutfeld and a lot of shows doing Kamala Harris. And she's very knowledgeable.

She's actually like a nurse and very smart and Jewish and very goddamn funny. And you know me. I don't, when it comes to, you know, I throw whatever. Very funny. And then on Thursday, we'll have Tina Forte. Otherwise known, you know, Tina from the Bronx. Who, I don't know how Hollywood missed giving her a sitcom. Heaviest New York accent, filthy mouth, yet she's running for office. My type of broad. And cute as a button. Mother and grandmother.

So that rules that out. Listen. What? You can't. So you got that to look forward to. And let's get to it. It's going to get a rafa. That's me taking a Middle East, you know, Yiddish word and making an Italian word. It's going to get a rafa. Israel has begun its military operation. Uh-huh. into Rafa after rejecting Hamas's fake ceasefire claim. They said it was deception.

Those were some tough Jews. So they're moving in, and they drop pamphlets, you know, telling people to get the fuck out, you know, civilians, because that's where they all ran to. Does Hamas do that before they blow up something in Israel? Do they send a message, a homing pigeon, or whatever the fuck they do? They're a death culture, and so is all the sickos in this country defending them. It's a death culture.

It's a far left thing. Whatever. You can believe what the fuck you want to believe. The IDF is currently conducting targeted strikes against Hamas terror targets. Did you hear that? Targeted. Do you see that? And they do have the smart weapons that'll do that because we fucking sell them. But we also leave them all over the Middle East. And somehow they make those smart weapons dumb over there when they get in their hands. Pretty good. Shut up. Anyways, against Hamas terror targets in eastern Rafah in southern Gaza. The Israel Defense Forces idea said Monday.

The world's eyes are now on the southern city in the Gaza Strip. It's a great name for a titty bar. Where more. Go ahead. They all come out in burkas. Yes! Oh, my God! Because these terrorist fucks do go to strip clubs.

We learned that on 9-11. Remember where those guys were the night before? At a titty bar in Florida. The guys are stripped. That's what my wife used to shave. Where more than one million Palestinians have taken refuge. Well, you picked the wrong park. While fleeing a war elsewhere in the territories.

That must make me feel bad for him. Even the stories in the post have been left. Here's a quick, you know, they didn't really have any fighting footage yet, but here's proof that they do draw pamphlets. Of course, they have to put this in there to remind you of kids going to get... Sorry. That's the wrong footage. That's the wrong footage. That's my manager, Tommy, dropped these in Red Bank, New Jersey. That's a neighbor. Oh, God, am I funny.

The president was consistent again this morning that we don't support ground operations in Rapa. White House National Security spokesman and jerk-off John Kirby told reporters prior to the advancement, why is that? Why don't you? I loved it. Bibby's like, mind your't you? I love that Bibi's like, mind your business. And of course, Joe's like,

get this through your head, you, get this through your head, you, you motherfucker, you. As the IDF entered Rafah,

Hamas said it fired rockets at the Israel city of Sirat near Am. I call that Sirat near AM in the morning.

And other areas near the Gazan border. The IDF confirmed that the, I still love that they have a border. We don't on the southern. The IDF confirmed that the missiles were intercepted by a defensive back out of Florida State. Intercepted by the Iron Dome. That was my nickname in high school. In the shower. What?

Big head. What? Defense systems. Iron Dome, that was my nickname in high school, in the shower. What? Big head. What? Defense systems, Iron Dome defense system, with one home damaged by falling shrapnel from the attack. The prime minister also slammed Hamas' latest truce officer as far from Israel's obligatory demands. So what they did is put out a, do I explain it in the article? If I don't in the next one, I think I do.

One official told Reuters that the announcement was a clear ruse by the terror group to create has put out a, do I explain it in the article? If I don't, in the next one, I think I do. One official told Reuters that the announcement was a clear ruse by the terror group to create backlash against Israel for refusing a deal. That's what they do. The propaganda, they're brilliant. And officials told public broadcaster KNTV, boom, in Tel Aviv, that the announcement of a ceasefire agreement was a Hamas deception. U.S. State Department spokesman Matthew Miller said the U.S. does not support an intensified military. Yeah, we heard you the first time. Operation in Rafah and believes negotiations in Cairo are the best way to reach a ceasefire. Who gives a fuck what you think?

How about that, Dracula haircut? He goes into the fucking best clips. He goes, can I get the grandpa monster or the lily? Anyways, make me sick. But yes, they are, like I said, at least Biden, at least the administration had the balls to put it in public that they're not for it. They usually say we're all behind them. We've given Israel this many dollars just to prove it. And then behind the scenes,

they call Bibi and go, what are you doing? Keep it up and we're not going to help you. And again, in the background, the backdrop of all of this is the Biden the day he got in, he freed up all that money from that fucking nuclear deal he had over there. So whatever you say comes out of your mouth

now is turds. I barely follow this shit and I can follow it. That's how bad they are and If I read one more thing about a poll where it's close, I am gonna shit blood it is so So much bullshit and there was an article today about people moving out of California to Idaho They're gonna ruin that state with this shit. You try it there, you'll get some resistance, if you know what I mean. I think it's the favorite

state of the militia. Isn't it on the license plate? Idaho, militia country, stay out. I might have made that up, but fucking don't ruin it. Hey, boys and girls. Hey,

it's a soft answer. First, I'll do my part. It doesn't matter, right? In honor of National Military Appreciation Month,

it's funny, you don't hear that all over the TV, but when, you know, you hear fucking fag swallow a load month and today it's

take up the ass month and Nick, why are you, I don't know. In honor of National Military Appreci month mug club recognizes the courage and patriotism of those who have served dallas included or are currently serving me included serving dinner tonight to a couple of whores uh who are currently serving in our armed forces and would like to do something to thank them for the entire month of may get Mug Club will be donating 10% of all new subscriptions.

Is Crowder on top of this shit or what? And Gerald and his guys? To military charities. Along with that 10% donation to military charities, Mug Club is also offering $10 off for all new subscribers throughout May. So not only will you be supporting our incredible service members and veterans, but you will also get exclusive access to my show, Nick DiPaolo, Louder with Crowder, the best thing on the internet, Alex Jones,

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everybody in it. Gay, straight, black, white, yellow, brown, except for the transgenders. No, I'm just kidding. Everybody that puts their neck on the line and men, women, and everybody. Anyways. Anyway, second half of the show, I'll be telling you about an elementary teacher that did something so shocking with a fifth grader,

it shocked me, and I'm filthy. Also, a judge in New York City who did something before he retired that deserves a punch in the face every time he steps out of his fucking home in Florida. If I could dox him, I would. Just everything that's wrong with a who, yeah, we'll show you. You won't even believe it.

Anyways, that's all exclusively on Mug Club, so join now to get it at nickdip.com. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nick-a-shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Let's move on. Bait

and switch by Hamas. This is the second part of that story. It explains why Israel said no to this stupid last offer by Hamas. Hamas changed the language. Listen to this. In the ceasefire deal, it accepted Monday to count the bodies of dead hostages in a proposed swap for Palestinian prisoners. According to a shocking, it's not shocking. It's not fucking shocking at all. You're a wormy cocksucker. You know that? What do you mean? I'm telling you about it. Oh, they are. Yes. The deal signed by Hamas also included an end to the war in Gaza, something the Israeli side said it would not accept, Israeli officials have blasted the proposal

as significantly different from what Israel had initially said it would agree to. Those were some tough Jews. We should show that guy's face when we play that one. That made me laugh harder than any Three Stooges episode. He had one line, he knocked out, well, he actually was in a whole scene. Anyways, here's a video.

Oh, this is more propaganda, in my opinion. This is from Hamas. Let's get a bunch of kids cheering to cease fire. Yeah, okay, yeah. from Hamas. Let's get a bunch of kids cheering to cease fire. Okay. Actually, it's probably from a soccer game in Greece. Fucking bullshit. And when you notice,

like I showed you that clip of the pamphlets, they always have to get the kids in there. Just remind you that kids will be, well, you made your bed, you're going to lie in it. Like I said, I don't value a kid's life any more than I do those girls that were raped and slaughtered well yeah also you know there are kids taught all of this in madrasas all across the middle east and they are taught they're taught to behead teddy bears when they're three and four years old yeah but i gotta be honest with you my dad taught me to do that my sister's barbie doll

no you're exactly right. They are taught. That's why by the time they're 13, they see Jewish people as fucking rodents and vermin. So, and again, that doesn't mean, I'm just saying, you made your bed lying. People die in war, children included. And if you keep doing this, they've given you a million chances to get out of this.

So fuck you. Of course, anybody everybody else you know it's like oh yeah fucking those are these children whatever whatever it's a horrible world okay I've just adjusted to it one of the biggest changes came in the language around the 33 Israel Israeli hostages who were set to be released in it in exchange for a ceasefire well they are listen to this the original deal called for 33 living hostages. The fact that Israel has to put that in there shows what slimes they're dealing with.

They have to verify. It has to be living hostages. Hamas changed the wording to include 33 hostages alive or bodies. What does that tell you? They're probably not even alive. Is that not fucking, just that story alone, and you're going to still defend this shit, you people? I don't give a fuck, my friend.

Well, Nick, you don't have to. I know, I'm 62. Never been happier. I hope this shit never comes out and I die tonight. No kids. You'd miss me admit it What else can I shoot down there I call the fire department I see if they could get a hose out to the house Put that my throat Anything will do huh? Yeah powerful storm Well speaking of powerful storm Dorothy and Toto the, the next story. I was in a hurry, folks. While Oklahoma and Kansas are on the highest alerts for extreme weather cells capable of producing powerful tornadoes, new footage of a powerful tornado that hit Lincoln, Nebraska, recently has emerged. It is jaw-dropping how much damage it inflicts in a matter of seconds.

Danger, Will Robinson. Danger. No, Will Robinson. Danger. It really is something else, man. The powerful tornado that hit Lincoln was an EF3. People call it an EF Hutton because when it talks, people lose their houses. That made no sense.

I don't care. EF3 tornado with estimated wind speeds reaching 158 miles per hour. That's 15 miles per hour faster than when I fart. And the National Weather Service estimates it was 700 yards wide. So picture Joy Behar's ass with a path of 8.6 miles before dissipating. Thank God for the old dashboard cam. Dashboard camera footage has now emerged. People, I would not be near that.

Let's put it that way. I'd be so far away the dashboard would be useless, the camera. From a car parked in front of a large building, and the car was just out of the pathway of the tornado while the building was being bitch-smacked, dab in the middle of the path of the destruction. You guys, this is like David Copperfield going, watch me make this Chevy dealership disappear. It's like a Labor Day weekend special. Oh my God. I didn't have time to watch until I got here. And I knew it was going to be just this. Take a look at this and people are always like, up north when we used to get hurricane warnings and tornadoes, I remember us being in 1988,

it was a big one, it has a name on it, was supposed to wreck us up there And you know, we're out on the balcony no shirts on we're not 20s drunk. Where is it? You know, well, this is what is this what you want? Check it out La la la la la la la la la la la la la la who's the guy running the camera Yeah, he's right in the car, though? Right? Huh? Pause. Talk into the microphone.

This is a show that you can talk to me. Dashcams will run automatically. You are correct, sir. But they turn on automatically is what you say. Yeah, some are motion sensitive. So if there's motion, it'll turn on and turn back off. But we don't know that that was the case here, right? I thought I heard a guy screaming.

No. Go ahead. Watch this. I just wish this was DNC headquarters. Oh, my God. Do I see a cargo bike? You get hit with any of that, by the way, you're done. Look at that.

What was that made of? Fucking papier-mâché? That looks like something I ran. Look, there's confetti in the air. Can you imagine? And they said, the building blew away. There were two ladies still sitting at the desks writing. Can I help you?

Can I help you? two ladies still sitting at the secretary's at the desk writing, can I help you? That's all you hear is Diane, shut the window. There is no window. The building simply evaporates. That's what I need in my bowels. It is there one second and gone in an instant. Yeah, thanks for defining evaporate for us, you fuck stain. This is primary reason this footage gets shared. To show others what can happen if you try to light farts after Taco Bell and Heineken's. Delicious. Thank you.

What can happen if proper shelter is not sought? Again, we don't need the lectures out in the face of extreme weather. Why? You see a lot of people running around in the sprinkler on their front lawn? Again, up in Boston, yes, but for some reason we get lucky up there. Same with down here. Since I've been in Savannah, we've had two or three warnings, and literally one of them, and I'm not making this up.

I think I told you. Me and my wife are sitting on the front steps. Literally, it starts to rain a little and two leaves come down. Yeah, that was it. They're still there. I'm not going to pick them up. I'm a lazy motherfucker. Hey, folks, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of this delicious show. Everyone else go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show, Steven Crowder's full show, and a whole lot more. And remember, it's in honor of National Military Appreciation Month, and you're going to get 10% off.

Donating 10% of all new subscriptions to military charities. Also, Mug Club's offering 10% off for all new subscribers in May, for the month of May. So remember that when you do that. And as you know, we've been telling you about this forever, but it's finally here. That's a billboard off a highway in Pennsylvania.

That's as close as I got to Hollywood. Not true. Actually, my face was on a billboard on Sunset Strip when we did a... Oh, I shot a special. And the production company, I don't know how the fuck they pull that off. And of course, people threw bird shit and pies at it. No.

But it's, that's pretty good. They didn't even ask me to approve the picture and shit. I look like I just finished grouting somebody's bathroom. In Canada. Yeah, exactly. Got a clogged toilet. Coilet? Got a clogged toilet?

Call Nicky D now. So anyways, yes, this Friday night, Soul, Joles, and Pottstown. One show at 7, one at 9.30. The next night, May 11th, I've been looking at this one, and I'm thirsty for it because Jersey always turns out. We're at 750-something, and again, they're expecting another couple hundred. That's about 1,000, and I'm not a guy you see on TV all the time.

I am proud of that. I'm very proud. And it couldn't happen without my fans, who you guys are just fucking the best. As I get older, I appreciate it even more. You give me knives and shit, notes saying, put this to your throat. I'm like, what the fuck? So that's Saturday night. Count Basie Theater, Red Bank, New Jersey.

Dana Perino and her husband are coming and a bunch of her friends, I guess. Jesus Christ, that makes me nervous. She's like, you know, Debbie Reynolds, America's sweetheart. I'm going to be dropping C-bombs and J-bombs and N-bombs. No, I don't do that, folks, but you'd love it if I did. Anyways. Hi. Good night, everybody. I won't take all that they hand me down And make out I smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started, I go to town

Cause I'm not like everybody else, no, no I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else, well I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else And I don't wanna be destroyed like everybody else And I don't wanna get a job like everybody else Cause I'm not like everybody else

I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else