The Nick DiPaolo Show - Indictment Day | Nick Di Paolo Show #1414

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Trump's indictment, Fox going after Tucker and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://NickDiPaoloShow.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com

🎵 Keep your friends close, but your enemies close. Yes, daddy. How are you? Folks, welcome to the show. What day is it anybody huh it's tuesday trump indictment day oh it's trump indictment day on a big tuesday real quick before i forget uh thursday will be the last show of the week for and then we come back uh a week from that monday is that correct um again mug clubug Club, and I have four weeks off or something in the contract. Back on the 26th, Monday. There you go. Back on the 26th. I didn't want to tell you that now, so you want to know,

what the fuck's going on? I've never had a real job where I had four vacation weeks that I have to take or whatever the fuck. So don't get mad at me. You know, I'm a workaholic, said somebody, never. And yeah, so I just wanted to let you know that. And my buddy Norm from the Comedy Cellar, because he's a businessman, I think he's got to go to court or something. He told me something to do with lawyers that he can't do Thursday show, but he wants to do it. He's a great interview. This guy went to UPenn, but he thinks like us, only way more eloquent and measured and fair and — well, I'm fair. I'd just fucking rather talk like a pirate while I'm doing it. So he's going to reschedule. But we're starting to grab some people. I broke a new, what's the word?

My willpower is at a new level where I made pizza for my wife and didn't eat it. Made her an individual size, what's that, 9 inches, 10 inches maybe? Cut it. I took a half of a, first of all, the slices are this big, right? And individuals, I took a half of a slice, which is a fucking paper clip. It's like being cock teased. And I, it was perfect. Dallas, only you would appreciate it. And her. Campari tomatoes I used for, here's the thing, and I've said this before. If you're making pizza, you don't cook the sauce, folks.

It's raw. And, oh, God, Jesus. That pizza, I know it's going to blow on me. I know it's going to blow again. Because the guy said to me, if this happens again, you're fucked. Because they don't make this anymore. So I know that's coming. Remember I told you the door slammed shut? It's very creepy. So I was very proud of myself. And

on my belt, I probably don't look any different to you guys because I drink coffee, my face still gets heavy. On my belt, I've been on the last hole, the number one hole, for honest to God now, 15, 10, 15 years. I'm up to hole four. What a waste of a body on a fucking woman married. No, the wife loves it. She can't get off me. God, I'm raw. Shut up. And NHL tonight.

Vegas is on the cusp of winning the Stanley Cup tonight in Vegas. Where do you see? You guys know after the team wins a cup, you always see for the next month, you'll see it being passed around all summer. It'll be at burger joints on golf courses, but this is Vegas.

There's going to be hookers pissing in it. All kinds of shit. It's going to be crazy if they win. Look, the Bruins had Panthers down 3-1 too. And so anyways, that's tonight. And my Red Sox lost to Colorado at home last night. I wanted to shit blood. They were hitting the ball, I mean hard, all over the place. But it was ricocheting back to, it was the most unlucky night I've ever seen. Some guy robbed Devers of a two-run homer that would have put him ahead in the eighth inning.

A blast to right field. This Cogsack, you know how the bullpen's out there? It would have cleared by this much. Anyhow, let's get on with it. Big, big, big day. Big crooked day. Trump indictment. Former President Donald Trump will appear at the,

I should say, when is this going on? This is, huh? Yeah, he'll appear at the, or he will appear at Wilkie D. Ferguson. Oh, that's a good building. Junior U.S. courthouse, let me clean my eyes here, in Miami, Florida, today, as he surrenders, and this is the saddest day ever if they go through with this, and is arraigned to face charges, he mishandled classified documents, unlike Biden,

who had him laying in his garage next to a Corvette where his fucking son Hunter and two hookers peed on it, I made up. Many details remained unclear on the eve of Trump's federal arrest. It was not clear, for example, which lawyer would represent him in court. Maybe Scheinlein, maybe Judge Joe and the other fucking Marilyn. Or even whether, she's hot.

He would be handcuffed and made to pose for a mugshot. First of all, if I'm Trump, I insist on that. I insist on it to make them look like the jerk-offs they are. And to have that Frank Sinatra mugshot, right? It also sets precedents. Absolutely, sets precedents. It's a big word for us. And with that hair, he could pull it up.

If he stuck it all up with gel and shit, he could be Nolte. That crazy Nolte shot. He's got fucking blonde hair and a wrinkle. But one thing was clear. The arrest would be one of the most significant moments in American history. Either it would mark the moment, this is so true, the rule of law was affirmed

or the country's collapse into a fucking banana, I just thought of that, am I sure, republic. It's just hard to believe. It's just so ridiculous. The show is, Attorney General Merrick,

I take it in the teeth, garland, God, I hate this freaking, in a departure from standard procedure, appointed a special counsel to handle the Trump documents case and claims relating to his alleged role in the Capitol riot on Jan. 8. What a fucking witch hunt. Normally a special counsel is appointed to investigate an incumbent president because more independence is needed from a Department of Justice that still reports to the White House in the executive chain of command. But no, Garland used the immense power of the special counsel, who is almost always

expected to bring charges, to investigate and prosecute not only former president, but the leading opposition candidate in the next election, which is what this is all about. Make no mistake, in the course of that investigation, federal agents raided Trump's private residence at Mar-a-Lago, you remember, in Palm Beach County. It was another radical step, treating a former president like a common goddamn criminal over documents, nonetheless. Problem? You're the fucking problem. You fucking Dr. Y onking jam rag, onking spunk bubble.

I'm telling you, H, you keep looking at me, I'm going to put you in the fucking ground. I promise you. Not this time. at me, I'm going to put you in the fucking ground. I promise you. Not this time. In the months since then, Americans have learned that President Joe Biden himself was found

to have taken many classified documents to his private home and office. And until Trump, he had not had authority to do so. The Department of Justice was also revealed through another special counsel investigation

to have launched an investigation into Trump in his 2016-based, in his based what? Trump in his 2016-based on political models. Oh, that doesn't make any sense. Anyways, Trump in 2016 should be a comma based on political motives and disinformation from the Clinton campaign. You remember that?

Now she's rubbing it in. She puts a tweet out. What about her emails? Can you fucking imagine? Listen to her. I'm just playing to remind you what a twat she is. For the Democratic Party and for the United States of America. I know that we can finish the job of universal health care.

Imagine being married to this. A kicker in the balls. Special counsel, Jack, I am a jerk off Smith, whose team of prosecutors will lead Monday's criminal proceeding. Monday's? Oh, okay. Said Friday that laws on classified information must be enforced. Can you imagine having the gall to say that in public after watching Biden skate?

And that we have one set of laws. No, you don't. They're trolling. They're trolling the right. They are trolling the right. Yeah, there's one set of laws that only Republican presidents have to follow. You guys on the right are your own. I'm sorry. I don't feel bad for you anymore. They're playing you like a violin. You don't know how to stop it. Or you're part of it, one or the other. But that is difficult for at least half the country to believe. No kidding. And while even some legal analysts sympathetic to Trump have concluded that the indictment against him is

strong, many believe it should not have been brought. No kidding. You really think so? What's this clip of? I forget, Dallas.allas supporters oh yeah this is down in miami this morning where he's being indicted and this is what's funny they showed a clip of him at a rally last weekend again it looked like there's about 30 000 people it's so fucking obvious who america's choice is and the government's just saying this to you we don't give a shit here's this morning in miami as he was heading to the courthouse. Look at the Trump supporters. It goes on forever. Fuck Joe Biden!

Fuck Joe Biden! Fuck Joe Biden! Fuck Joe Biden! Fuck Joe Biden! Fuck Joe Biden! Okay. I think the people have spoken. See that? It goes on for another, I don't know how many miles. Unbelievable. Hey, in the second half of the show, I'll be talking about a lady who's bigger than an airplane herself, but is saying she's been discriminated against. She has to buy extra seats in the plane. And I think she knows how we all feel.

And if she don't, she's going to find out in the second half of the show. That is if we can get her out of Popeye's Chicken. All right? All right. And let's move on to trashing Tucker. What does that mean? You know I'm a big fan of the dudes. I think he's the GOAT as far as political pundancy. Fox News has issued a cease and desist letter to, boy, am I not becoming fans of them every day,

to Tucker Carlson over his new online show, Tucker on Twitter, taught. And Carlson is taking it about as well as you would expect. Well, I don't even know what that means. He's taking it the way it should be. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's how he should be taking it. According to NBC, who's been lying since, I don't know, 1860, a source familiar with the matter, who's that? Somebody from Media Matters or George Shoros' son? Suck a dick and die. Familiar with the matter said that the network sent the letter because they say Carlson breached his contract by starting the online show.

One of Carlson's attorneys, Harmeet Dhillon, she's on all the time, Indian lady, very smart, Harmeet Dhillon, she's on all the time, Indian lady, very smart, insisted that Fox News was trying to silence Carlson until the 2024 election. She said this months ago when it happened, when they split. This is her talking. Fox News continues to ignore the interest of its viewers. No, she's American. Not to mention its shareholders' obligations, doubling down on the most catastrophic programming decision

in the history of the cable news industry. That's not an exaggeration. They've lost like 60% of their prime time. It's insane. Fox is now demanding that Tucker Carlson be silent until after the 2024 election, which tells you they are anti-Trump. Tucker will not be silenced by anyone.

A separate letter, that was her, even though it didn't sound like me doing her. A separate letter sent by Fox News earlier this week said, Dear cocksuckers, no, which did not contain a cease and desist order, stated that Carlson was in breach of his contract with the network by hosting his Twitter show. I know a little about this when I get canned by DirecTV. You know, when you sign contracts with the, you know, there's a clause in there,

you can't jump to our competition and blah, blah, blah, all that nonsense that big corporate people get away with. Anyway, the contract reportedly contains language that forbids Carlson to work with other networks while under contract with Fox News. Interesting. I don't know who's going to, how this is going to work. Yeah, you bet.

He doesn't look upset. Counselor! Yeah, but Twitter's not technically a network. It's a social media page. Yes, said Dallas, who studied law at the University of... My ass. Yeah, UMA. Got a PhD in acidry.

Yeah, no, it's actually a legitimate point, I'm guessing. It's worse than a network. You can make the argument it's more, you know, it's obviously just as powerful. It affected the last election. But yeah, I'm sure that would be the argument. Hey, what are you talking about? It says nothing about social media.

What does it? We have to see the contract. Put a call in to Suzanne Scott at Fox. Other networks while under contract with Fox News, blah, blah, blah. Another of Carlson's attorneys, Kevin James, no, Brian Friedman. By the way, that's free, F-R-E-E-D, man. Just thought I'd point that out. He's got the word free right in there. He's a freed man. I hope he's black. Be a great name. Brian Friedman asserted that the network's challenge of Carlson's new show was

a challenge to his right to freedom of speech. Freedom said, this is the attorney and I quote, Fox defends its very existence on freedom of speech grounds. Now they want to take away Tucker Carlson's right to speak freely away from him because he took to social media to share his thoughts on current events. You know what that makes them? You fucking hypocrite. That's right, Carmella. Carlson and his attorneys have not given any indication that they plan to

comply with the cease and desist letter. So he will presumably be back on Twitter tomorrow, which as planned. He was the best guy around. He ain't going nowhere.

Gotta like him, man. Big balls. Really smart. And again, I'll say it again. I love that he didn't go to an Ivy League school. He probably got accepted at all of them, I'm thinking. Maybe not. I don't know.

Maybe he went to DeVry. Maybe he can weld tremendously. Ever weld? It's a lot of fun. You put flux. Remember? I don't know if you're, we had metal shop in, again, 1866. I got the goggles on.

It was something called flux that you put on. The people at home right now, half my viewers are going, yeah, he's right, flux. Anyhow, I think I made a naked lady out of sheet metal. Anyways, let's move on to, I thought this was a clever, clever use of words on my part. White House transition. You know why? Because there was a bunch of transgenders, my part. White House transition. You know why? Because there's a bunch of transgenders, excuse me, at the White House Pride Day. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue or Sodom and Gomorrah. That is the question our nation's leading conservatives are asking themselves after President Joe Biden hosted a Pride event. Imagine going to any event that a party that Joe hosted.

at a pride event. Imagine going to any event, a party that Joe hosted. Where's the host? He's in a kitchen, sleeping. His head fell on a block. He's sleeping on a block of cheese. Biden hosted a pride event at the White House.

God, my God. That's faggot stuff. Oh, take it easy. You want to call Biden's team? That's strictly for fags. Not necessarily. During the event, the White House hung a pride flag from the columns of its rear portico.

Get it? They hung it in the rear. Get out of here, Gilligan. Which prompted bizarre outrage from people who like it in the front. Outrage from some in the far right. No, it didn't. Far right. Have you ever seen far left mentioned in an article? Who believed it was an act of treason. I didn't hear anybody say that either. And an insult, that I heard, to the nation's armed forces. Pride events have become a flashpoint in the right wings. Where did we get this fucking story from? MSNBC? Where did we get this fucking story from MSNBC? Anti-LGBTQ movement as Republicans have sought to demonize.

Fucking all absolute lies. Demonize the movement. No, they don't want you dropping a movement on their kid's chest in the locker room, you fuckers. Let's take a look at this. See the flags? And like Dallas pointed out, good military fella, never, never should the American flags be flanking another flag.

Or even, the American flag should always be higher. Yeah, that's what I thought flank meant. Anyway, technically. Well, yeah. Let's not split pubic hairs here, Dallas. What the fuck? All of a sudden we're doing Meet the Press?

That's a trans right there who, sadly enough, if I had to bud light some air, fuck it. I mean, what? It has to be bud light. Let's take a look at the video. Folks, this is the front lawn of the White House. Go ahead. Welcome to the White House. Thank ahead. Welcome to the White House. Thank you.

Can we take a little video? Hi, Mr. President. It is an honor. Trans rights are human rights. Are we topped at the White House? Okay. Oh, my God. Oh.

Take it easy, Joe. Take it easy. And we ain't accomplished at the white. No, you are. And this hunter next to him all cleaned up. I got to be honest, though. I mean, that looks like a goddamn woman. I don't understand.

Does that still have a penis? Or in transit. Who cares? But my point, and I said it to Dallas, I don't mind tits at the White House, but they're going to be

like Marilyn Monroe's or in the bed or in a pool. You know? Or Bonnie Frank in Lincoln's bedroom with his boyfriend. He's out of there

a long time ago. In a TikTok, Montoya, that's her, Montoya, Rose Montoya, responded to the backlash, noting that it's legal to go topless in D.C. It's also legal to take a dump, you know, but some things, just because they're legal, don't make it right, you fucking moron. To go topless in D.C. while nudity is allowed in D.C. and on federal land. It's unclear if there are regulations unique to the way. I don't know. Let's just go back in the thousand year history and maybe try to do the right thing.

And that they fully support the free the nipple movement. That comes from her, right? She said that? Yeah! Thank you. Thank you. Montoya noted there would not be as much outcry if she identified as she previously did as a man. Yeah. Yeah.

Ugh. Oops. I don't know what the first sentence says. I just went over it. All you guys are doing, she said, is you're affirming that I'm a woman. It's no big deal today Montoya said that she was inspired by her trans masculine friend showing off the mastectomy scars

And wanted to join in their joy Look, I got stretch marks my asshole. Oh, let me get in on that I had no intention to be vulgar or profane in any way said I was simply living in joy and I'll say it again profane in any way. He said, I was simply living in joy. And I'll say it again. God, I'm tired of you people. Thank you. I'm tired of you people, man. Hey, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the

show. Everyone else, go to nickdopalashow.com and join to get my full show, Stephen Crowder's full show, and a whole lot more. And while you're there, click on the tour button. See where I'll be performing. Could you? Would you?

I think you will. I think. Where am I next? I'm going to, you know what? The Cinema House, Arlington Cinema House in Arlington, Virginia. I thought it was Alexandria, Virginia. I've been plugging that wrong for 10 years. July 14th and 15th.

I put out, like I said, like a $5 crack order, which means a lot. It's one of my favorite gigs. They got the toilet. They got the toilet in the, you know, the box and chain. It's a good place. Quiet, family. guitar solo guitar solo Bye.