The Nick DiPaolo Show - Insurrection My Ass | Nick Di Paolo Show #1366

Episode Date: March 8, 2023

Tucker Carlson Shows Jan 6 Realities. Gascon Successfully Sued. Rubbing One Out Is Good For You. Swing Time. Join Nick for bonus content at Patreon! www.patreon.com/thenickdipaoloshow Go see Nick on the road! www.nickdip.com/tour for tickets!

🎵 It's freedom, baby, yeah What up, kids? On a filthy Wednesday From the state of Georgia. Lovely, lovely place. I get a kick out of watching like the ID network and then doing a thing on some horrible murder and shit and they're interviewing the victim's family

and they're showing pictures from a few. That's us in Savannah. We get very excited, me and the wife, because they shoot a lot of movies and shit. Our house is actually in some scene, some stupid series on Netflix, like in the background. You can see me sitting on the front porch with my robe open, dangling what's left of my pee-pee. Oh, I thought you were telling me to hold up. I thought you were saying I was going too far.

Like that's even possible. Am I right, fellas? Huh? Ah, your sister's ass. Welcome to the morning zoo. I'm Bubba whatever the fuck, and that's my side partner, Ding Dong Dallas. Yeah, there you go.

I do those morning shows when I go on the road. That's so fucking funny. Literally one of them, I think I was in Nebraska, the fucking crazy, I don't know what the sidekick, wacky worm, was literally naked, just covered with lottery tickets, walking down the street. And this is the station they put me on, so I can draw an audience that night of really people

like high sophisticated. And there's no happy medium you do an AM station which they throw you on like a talk show which has my politics but those guys are drier than you know whoopies elbows uh it's fucking redact your ass uh speaking of that folks me and Dallas will be hitting the road this weekend. Kansas City, Missouri, the Kansas City Comedy Club. That's going to be Friday and Saturday. Also, later today, I'm doing Comia. I'll be on his show at 5 p.m. Eastern. I think that's live.

I don't know. I've only done it a thousand times. But, yeah, so check that out, because when me and him get together, usually media maddles will write an article going, listen to these two, and ignore everything they say, because they're so honest. Speaking of honest, let's get to it. God bless Tucker Carlson. I don't give a shit if people are like, fuck, God bless Tucker Carlson. I don't give a shit if people are like, fuck, I'm sick of hearing how Fox and MSNBC are the same. We did that with Russell Brand yesterday, who was almost right, but except for that.

I'm sorry, man. Yes, do they lean right in this shit? I don't know anymore. The country's so far left or the media's got you believing it so far left that they seem right. They sure as fuck aren't extreme. Tell you that much. You know, they call Marjorie Taylor Greene. Is that her name? MTG? I always want to say

Marjorie Greene Taylor. Boy, I'd like to get her in the sack. She would throw me around like a bitch. Which reminds me. I was trying to have anal sex with a girl when I was single. And guys always say this, and I said it too, just relax. And she goes, I'll make a deal with you. I'll relax if you put the gun away.

I just thought of that when I was taking a dump in the can. You'll be hearing that in Kansas City, folks. Anyways, Tucker Carlson, who got unfettered access to the January 6th. Do you know this 40,000 hours they wouldn't release? Why is that? Let's start there. Why do you think that is, folks? Are you interested in the real story?

Oh, you bet the fuck I is. Huh? 40,000? And McCarthy did that, the House Speaker. And Tucker, he must have an army of producers. They had to go through all of them. And he showed a little last night. I think he's going to do it each night, I would think.

He showed, you don't even need to, we know it was bullshit. The fact that they call it an insurrection and nobody was charged with being an insurrectionist? Not one? What do you need to know? Nobody was armed but the black cop that shot the white woman? And the Dems said, well, they were armed because they had flagpoles. Yeah, with flags on them. You fucking... Can we stop? I just said this to Dallas before the show. Can we stop referring to them as Democrats? Because that refers to a political party in the United States. They're not. Those aren't Americans.

They hate this country more than any foreigners could. I swear to God, China and Russia like us better than the far left in this country. Quit calling them Americans. Start calling them faggots. Stuff like that, words they hate. Let's not disappoint them. Let's be the hateful people they say we are. They're going to call you haters anyways. Let's have some fun with it. I want to see Marjorie Taylor Greene just like when Biden was given a state of the art and just go, cocksucker. How are you not going to get votes?

Anyways, so Tucker last night started to drop some clips. Newly revealed surveillance footage from January 6, 2021, shows two Capitol Police officers, get this, escorting Jacob Chansley. He's the guy with the Viking hat, the QAnon shaman, they call them, in the, you know, face paint. Shows two cops escorting Jacob Changely,

the beehorned so-called QAnon shaman, who has come to symbolize the riot through the God, these lights are killing me, through the halls of the Capitol into the very door of the U.S. Senate. Those are cops escorting him.

Not escorting him out the building, escorting him into the doors of the Senate so he can go in. Look at that. What a ruck- he's got, by the way, can I just say he's in jail for four years. He gets sentenced to four years. So those cops aren't part of it? I don't get it. The footage aired on Tucker Carlson's Fox News show Monday night shows the officers closely following Chansley as he wanders the corridors of the Capitol bare-chested like Mitch McConnell used to when he was in shape, fucking, bitch, cunt, and wearing face paint and a luxuriant fur hat. Luxuriant. What the hell is that?

With Viking horns. He looked like Randy Moss running a button hook. Virtually every moment of his time inside the Capitol was caught on tape, Carlson says. Let's take a look, and it really is. This is all you need to see. I'm sure he's got a ton of ammo. And don't forget they put on that show trial. I don't even know when. What was that, in January? I don't even know when. Remember the cameras, the ABC producer, or in the fall? I have no recollection at the time. But remember they put that on for a week? Can you fucking take a look at this? ...in officers who were within touching distance of unarmed Jacob Chansley. Not one of them even tried to slow him down. Chansley understood that Capitol Police were his allies.

Video shows him giving thanks for them in a prayer on the floor of the Senate. Watch. Contrast the reality of what Jacob Chansley did in the Capitol building on January 6th, the indisputable facts recorded on video, some of which has never before been seen, with the depiction of Jacob Chansley that you've seen in the media for more than two years. Exactly. Exactly. They were escorting him around like he was taking a tour. Unreal. You could actually argue him and the few people that went in there

were less sneaky about it than Colbert's show, remember? A year or two ago when they went in and did a shot of peace without asking anybody in jail. That guy is sentenced to four years. And there's a bunch of other people from that day still who haven't been charged in jail. So is what I'm reading. This is America?

Those are Democrat? No, you fucking tyrants. Ugh. At one point, the officers are seen walking chantly past the other cops milling around outside the Senate chamber who barely give him a second look. Nothing to see here. Please disperse. Nothing to see here. That's Ray Epps. Then they escort him to the very sentences of the chamber until they find one that's open. They help him open a door. He enters the chamber. And he's a 33-year-old naval veteran. You want to see what he looks like without the face paint?

From Arizona, Alexandria Sherbsov. There he is, a Navy veteran. Has been jailed for almost four years. Well, he's been charged. He hasn't been in jail yet for four years, but he's been sitting there rotting since January 6th, right? Holy shit. It's coming around in, what, two years already?

Anyway, obstructing an official proceeding. That was the charge. It's just so ridiculous. In a jailhouse interview played by Carlson, he says, the one very serious regret that I have is believing that when we were waved in by the police officers, did you hear that, folks? I'll repeat it. Waved in by the police officers, who obviously had marching orders from the

Capitol Police, who got them from Nancy Pelosi, to wave them in and they took the bait or whatever the fuck. Now just compare this to Antifa or Black Lives and the damage that, just compare it and none of those fuckers are in jail you even had the cocksucking vice president Kamala Harris bailing them out in Minneapolis a

few years ago during the Floyd riots just think about let that sit in for me when we were waved in by police officers that it was acceptable that was his only regret of course you're going to walk and the cops go and where'd they get their marching orders? You know, from Hitler. Let's stop calling, can we start today? I wish this show reached zillions of people. Stop calling them Democrats. And don't

say Demorats. You're conservatives. I love you, but you're so unfunny online. Democrats. I mean, fucking, that's the best you got? How about filthy leftist cocksuck and motherless fuckstains? Get creative. See how that rolled off the tongue?

I was saying that shit since fifth grade, I gotta be honest. I told him my parents, my mother got like, I don't know, between fourth and sixth grade, my parents get called like three times from my filthy mom. And I told you why that was. I would hang out with my sister Darlene's friends who were four years older than me. They always call me when there's a scrub football game because I could run like a colored kid.

Dallas, I could run like a colored kid. Away? Away? Away? Yeah, a go-route. They used to put a radio on my hand. Who the hell? Why would you say such a thing, Nick? Oh, I don't know.

Your mother's box. Let's move on. Shall we? This guy also should be tarred and feathered and dragged behind a Ford F-150 for about 40 miles on the train tracks until his vagina bleeds. Gas gone, gouged, I put, financially. Los Angeles County, a Los Angeles County jury awarded 1.5 mil. Oh, my God, L.A. people, some of them still have some brains. To a prosecutor as part of a retaliation lawsuit against District Attorney George Gascon.

Again, another Soros protege, I'm guessing, who faces similar complaints in a series of legal actions. Legal actions. You're out of order. You're out of order. The whole trial is out of order. Sean Randolph sued Gascon claiming she, oh, it's a girl? Who names their fucking daughter Sean? And what is she, Filipino?

I am all fucking confused. What the? What a breed mix of... Anyways. It's true. Everybody's a mutt out there. Anyway, Sean Randolph, that's a lady, by the way, who looks pretty, like a Filipino.

Sue Gascon claiming she was transferred from supervising the DA's juvenile division and effectively demoted for speaking out against his policies. I love you, Sean, which have come under heavy scrutiny from his own prosecutors and elected officials. Randolph previously raised concerns that Gascon's criminal justice reforms could be harmful or unethical. Wow, you must be a detective. Yes, sir. No, it's a woman. Well, it's Sean, I know. She was eventually transferred to the parole division. Her main objection stemmed from policies to reduce charges against underage offenders, even those accused of committing violent crimes. That's what Gascon's

reducing their sentences. How does he get away with shit? And she was bold enough to speak up, and then she gets demoted, because he's a fuckstain, to limit strikes against children. That's why Gascon did it. Can you imagine,

on the side of the frigging criminal? Remember we played that clip of that guy in jail and he's talking on the phone about Gascon? Man, I got his name tattooed on my stomach like a fucking gangbanger. Gascon faces a dozen similar lawsuits from deputy district attorneys who say they were demoted for publicly raising concern about his directives. See how they are on the far left? They use that power, they'll squash you. Where do they come from? How do they

fucking... John Hatemi accused Gascogne of creating a hostile work environment and forcing prosecutors to commit unethical and illegal actions in court, despite his policies having excluded public safety and victims rights for political gain. Exactly. Exactly. It's all about the power of the political game. In a statement to Fox News, Gascon's office said.

In a statement of Fox News, Gascon's office said, I'm not making that up. I'm reading. Holy shit, I spit on myself. Yeah, Gascon's office said they were disappointed by the jury's verdict. And stand by, again, our decision. They can't just admit it, right? And stand by our decision to reassign this and other attorneys to new positions within the office. Prove that you wealthy college boys don't have the education enough to admit when you're wrong. You got it, Quint.

Chief, Mayor, ladies and gentlemen. Trying to get that tooth for you Hey Hoop Feels like work today Anyways Let me scratch my nose What did I eat last night That was going to give me the shape of a pear What the fuck was it? What the fuck was it? I roasted a chicken. Oh, that's why I'm still burping, garlic. I roasted a

chicken and I minced up garlic and parsley, olive oil and salt, stuffed it under the skin. And now when I burp, people are passing out within 10 feet of me like it's fentanyl. Boy, was that fucking yumdilly-ish. And a sweet potato. And there was one left over. It's midnight. I'm eating it like this. Yeah, like it's an ice cream cone.

Then I go right to bed. Have a cup of sweet potatoes. Hit the sack, you fat guinea fuck. I give up. Why do I care? I'm 61. Well, you never know. Some girl might want to blow you on the crosstown bus. Really? Yeah, right. Anyways, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I'll tell you one more time because my manager's half Jew and he loves marketing, I guess. He really believes this helps. Hey, guys and gals, I'll be back on the road soon. As in like Thursday night, we hit the airport.

I'm going a night early as opposed to getting up for like a 9 a.m. flight. Fuck that, you sister. Here's where you can see me. March 10th and 11th, the Comedy Club of Kansas City, Missouri. I just mentioned that. That's this weekend. March 23, 24, and 25. Really? That's like 11 days from weekend. March 23, 24, 25. Really?

That's like 11 days from when I get home, right? Yep. Comedy. It just says Comedy Key West. That's the name of the place. It's Comedy Key West in Key West, Florida. Oh, stupid. Why would you put the fucking...

New York City Comedy Club in fucking Pennsylvania. We'll see it. Yeah. March 23, 24, 25, comedy, Key West. I've never been to Key West. I heard it's great. A lot of fags down there. I already bought two Speedos and a nice pink tank top that says juicy.

April 21 and 22, The Funny Bone in St. Louis and St. Charles, Missouri. May 12, Hilton, Daytona Beach, Oceanfront Resort, Daytona Beach, Florida. You can get tickets to all these shows at nickdip.com and click on the tour button. Anyways, speaking of touring and hotels, rubbing one out is good for you. What is that bit I had?

Oh, boy. Fuck it. I can't even remember bits from my last album. That's why I don't want to do this no more, Vogue. Too many concussions at the University of Maine. Rubbing one out is good for you is the headline. Born out of groups on social media, the no fap. I don't even know what that stands for. Do you, Alice? You do?

Yeah, fap. The sound it makes when you are jerking it. Yeah, my dick's never done a fap. Don't know where it comes from. That's just what it refers to. I'm guessing it. Fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap. Yeah, fap, fap, fap. That's me slapping my wife in the face.

Fap, fap, fap. Probably an English fucking fruit turn. Write that joke down. That was a good one. You're still mocking laughs, right? On social media, the no-fap movement urges men to avoid masturbation. That sounds stupid already. To boost confidence, focus, and even at my age, when I jerk off, my confidence when I'm done is through the roof because I got it up again.

With no help but anybody but my hand. I walk around like I own the city. So if you don't, this ain't no, if you don't spank it, you'll get confidence, focus, and even cure erectile dysfunction. Well, how the fuck would you know if it's cured if you're not touching it? Uh-huh. Those who abide by the practice even call themselves... Oh, my God.

Fapstronauts. Houston, we have a problem? Fapstronauts. Oh, God. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. God. Researchers at the University of UCLA, West Coast Jerkoff's, Researchers at the University of UCLA, West Coast Jerkoff's, surveyed 587 men who had taken part in the abstinence practice.

Is that really a big sample size out of the 90 million? They found that men said they felt worthless, shame, sad, and in some cases, suicide. Oh, my God, you got bigger problems than your cock. Suicidal when they relapsed, meaning falling off the wagon. In other words, going back to spanking it. So if you abstain from it, it's just like, you know, an alcoholic not drinking, and then you have that sip and you go, fuck it. I'm a loser. I might as well pound them, literally. They were also more likely to report erectile dysfunction. You bastards. What the fuck?

Oh, poor you. Experts. Folks, I'm trying to read the article. It's got the word for and experts banged together as one. Experts for its many health benefits. One Harvard University study, they're talking about masturbation now, one Harvard University study even found that

the UCLA scientists also found that many people on the online forums singing NoFap's praises were doing so with little scientific backing. What, are they supposed to go jerk off at the Wuhan lab? There's no scientifically determined number What are you supposed to go jerk off at the Wuhan lab? There's no scientifically determined number for how often a man or woman should masturbate. The other is.

11. That's between Monday and Tuesday. There's a picture of Dallas's lube of choice. I'm old school. Old school? You think that's old school? I use olive oil. Like my grandfather did back in fucking Palermo. Guy was caught behind an olive tree every day. But medical professionals do urge people to undertake the habit, meaning masturbation, occasionally saying, I read this years ago, boy, it upped my game,

saying it could help to reduce stress, meaning masturbating, improve self-esteem, even for men, reduce the risk of prostate cancer. I remember my doctor telling me that in New York. Oh, my God, my prick, they got beating for the next two weeks. Oh, it was like Rocky in the corner. It was out on its feet. Cut me, man, cut me. I just fucking ham. And every time I jerk it now, you do used to get that lonely, I'm a loser feeling.

And yes, I know I'm worried. Worried? Yeah, I'm worried. That's Boston for work. Joe Rogan said in one of his bits, made me laugh so hard, he was talking about getting caught jerking off by his mother and shit, and how he still jerks off.

He goes, I've jerked off in my bed with my wife with her back to me. That one got me fucking laughing. When people masturbate, it prompts the release of feel good hormones is that what they call this shit all over my wife's face oh Nick you're so fine though yeah feel good hormones

like oxytocin and endorphins which boost mood and put a nice glaze on your girlfriend's forehead. There's also no figure for how often someone should have sex, according to my wife, way too much. But scientists have suggested to daily... That's the other thing God did that really, we've talked about, that pissed us off.

Guys, and I'm not making it up, you can Google it. Even women don't know the answer to this. You know when we peak sexually? How about the age of 18? 18. That's in medical books. You didn't know that, did you? Technically, 18.

I forget why. You believe that shit? And women are in their 40. Some guy, Lenny Bruce did a bit. Did God do that on purpose? I'll fuck with our head. Part of the law of nofap is that it claims, sounds like a diet.

You can't have any fapachinos. Nofap claims to treat a pornography addiction. Who gives a fuck what you think? Exactly. But the scientists behind this study from the UCLA say there is, from the UCLA, that's what it says. I'm just reading it, though. Say there is no medical backing to claims made on such forums. Whatever.

I say, don't believe any, first of all, do whatever comes naturally. Huh? Seriously. No, that's not a joke. I'm fucking, there's no, if you believe in any health news, and you know when I learned this more,

especially when the internet came around, you can find the answer you want. Jerking off is bad for you. You can find 90 stories that say so. But I disagree. Okay, here's fucking 90 reviews from Yelp that say it's great. Especially at a pizza place down the street

at Tony's. Speaking of food, is this the last story? It better be. Pineapple and pussy. Ever have that? At the Applebee's? Oh, God, they soak it in Jack Daniels?

The pineapple and the pussy and Juergens? What? Flight attendant Liv. She got a last name? Flight attendant Liv. That could be a girl's name of the new golf league. And account manager Gage, that's another person, may have been married to one another for 11 years,

but that doesn't mean they've been monogamous for the same amount of time, too. Oh, God. So you married a whore. Congratulations, both of you. Spicing up their relationship by inviting other people into the bedroom. My wife invited other people out of the bedroom once, and it was a lawyer. What? You heard me!

God, I'm always late with that. Anyways, they both invite into their bedroom with them. The 30- and 31 year old have revealed the sign they reveal the sign they this isn't news to us folks this is and you guys might even know they reveal the sign they give to other couples to let them know that they are you know what do you call dirty fucking swingers that's the sign you walk, you do that with your fist. You go like this to a woman.

You have that on your headphones and you go like that. Anyways, it's a sign so innocent, it could very much lead to you stumbling into a playtime session you had no intention of joining in other words you guys who aren't into this could be doing this you wouldn't even know it but what is the secret signal all swingers are aware of which they can subtly flash to one another if they want a raunchy rendezvous do Do you know what that is? That's a sick question. You're a sick fucker.

I'm not that sick that I'm going to answer. Ah, you're a faggot. The secret signal? Are you ready, folks? I'm going to give it to you. The secret signal? An upside-down pineapple. What?

an upside down pineapple. What? The fuck? That's what they do. We've read, I found out about this when I came to Savannah because the pineapple back in the day

meant you had money, Dallas or something. What did it mean? Yeah, it meant you were well off and also if somebody's visiting, you put a pineapple on the table. And then when it's suddenly the way to tell them to leave whenever you cut it up and serve it for breakfast. That's right.

Which is so stupid. You cut up a fresh pineapple. I'm going to leave? It's a signal for the homeowner to tell the guest to leave. I understand that. But I'm saying, why would you cut up a delicious piece of fruit that I love, and I'm going to leave? I'm going to sit down and go, thank you. I love fresh pineapple, upside down in my ass. I don't give a shit. Yeah, that's the other signal. You put it in your ass. You have the green leaf sticking out

as you walk around your neighborhood. The secret signal is an upside-down pineapple. I wonder if that has something to do with the upside-down pineapple cake, and I'm not shitting you. There is such a thing. But yeah, Dale, let's just explain the history of it to you. That's how you top it. If you had money, you had a pineapple. I guess they were like lobsters.

They were hard to get, yeah, because back then it was all imported. It's exactly right. The secret's upside down pineapple. Anyways, Liv tells the son, not the planet, the paper, you stickheads. The motif has become big in recent years. So much so that I heard about it. I tried to tell the wife, let's try it. She got so pissed.

She came home. I had like 11 pineapples upside down in our front lawn. She said, what are you doing? I had to think quick. We're having a luau. I said, I had to go get a roast pig. Everything just started to get yelled at. The 30-year-old continues, that's usually code that they are into the lifestyle,

although you have to be careful how you ask. You know what I do usually when I'm at the supermarket? I pick up a big cucumber and I just look at ladies. Anybody in? Oh, they love it. Gauge notes, if you see an upside-down pineapple in someone's shopping basket, it could be more accidental than a sign of a fellow swinger. Well, I wouldn't put it upside down. To check, listen to the scientific way she, this is real subtle how you check.

You can ask them, are you in the lifestyle? But if they look confused, then you say, ignore me and run away. Bye, dickhead. Ignore me and run away. If some woman comes up to me, and she's not over 180, and she's white,

I'm just kidding kidding I like blackies too and goes uh are you in the lifestyle you don't think I'm gonna follow her out there parking lot see what's up I am now what do I gonna pick up anyways so that's the pineapple story one of the if the Hawaiians had anything. Don Ho had anything to do with it? So what do you do if you're like a homo? You rub poi on your tits? Poi.

My favorite food. I don't even know what it is. Alright kids, that's it. We like to end with a light one. That was terrific. Don't forget to wait a minute. What am I saying? The Anthony Comey thing? was I wrong about the timing? Yeah, because I'm doing it, I did it last night. Did you hear me on Comey?

Ignore what I said earlier. I was on Comey last night. Did you hear me? I don't even know why I'm talking about him. Already did it. Anyways, that's it. Don't forget Cameo.com. Cameo.com if you want me to roast a friend or relative.

You go to Cameo.com, you click on my profile, and tell me a little about the person, a little bit, some fun facts. And then I make a video on my phone a minute or two long roasting the person. It's great fun. I've only been in two lawsuits. That's it. You guys think and I'll say you're very welcome. We'll see you back here tomorrow for the final show of the week. Take care, everybody. Hi. Good night, everybody. guitar solo Outro Music